- 6 weeks ago
- #comedy
- #stageplay
- #dryhumor
#comedy #stageplay #dryhumor
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FunTranscript
00:00Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to the Cornley Drama Festival.
00:16Once again, apologies for the sign.
00:18We have had a fantastic response to the festival, with seven people writing in to tell us they enjoyed the show,
00:25and thousands of other people also writing in.
00:30Listen, I've given the horse too many tranquilizers.
00:34That is not my problem tonight, because first up, we are in the hands of Sandra Wilkinson.
00:47Distinct.
00:49Unique.
00:54Moist.
00:57What do these words have in common?
01:00They've all been used to describe my voice.
01:02So, I've written a radio play to present this evening.
01:05Not, as some have suggested, because I am in the running to be the new voice of Marks and Spencers,
01:11although I am down to the final 80,
01:13but because I would love nothing more than to share with you how audio drama is made.
01:18So, please enjoy, A Talented Woman Awakens.
01:24Well, that roast beef was absolutely delicious, Dad.
01:44It certainly was, Deborah.
01:45I adored those Yorkshire puddings, almost as much as the crisp golden potatoes and creamy yet fiery horseradish sauce.
01:54$2.99.
01:55I'll clear the dishes.
02:02Deborah, I meant to tell you, I'll be hosting the talent show at the Village Fate this year.
02:06You should enter that, darling.
02:08You're ever so talented.
02:12I couldn't do that, Mum.
02:13Of course you could, sweetheart.
02:15There's more to you than your sensational looks.
02:17You also have a fantastic speaking voice.
02:20And you own your own pitch-tone B-plus podcasting microphone.
02:25Let me pour you a cup of tea, Dad.
02:31Sugar?
02:32Two, please.
02:33Milk?
02:38Just a spot.
02:44Maybe you're right.
02:46Maybe I should enter the talent competition.
02:49I just wish I...
02:50Had more confidence.
02:55You are so dreadfully humble.
02:58And you're ever so talented.
03:02Now, come on, Dad.
03:03It's well past...
03:07Your bedtime.
03:11Onto the chairlift.
03:12Now, let's get you tucked in.
03:34Good night, Dad.
03:41I'll shut the door.
03:45See you in the morning.
03:49Cock-a-doodle-doo.
04:02Good morning, Mum.
04:06Morning, darling.
04:08You're ever so talented.
04:10Come in.
04:15Come in.
04:17Buenos dias, senorita.
04:20Miguel.
04:20How are you, my dear?
04:22I am sad, because I know I will never be enough for you.
04:26Oh, Miguel.
04:27Our relationship is too Persian.
04:35I have seen there is to be a talent show at the village fete.
04:39Soon I will loose you to celebrity.
04:41My talent is too...
04:43My talent is too wild to be cag...
04:54My talent is too wild to be caged.
05:06I must perform.
05:09Hooray!
05:10Come, mount this stallion with me.
05:14We shall ride to the village fete.
05:16Wake up.
05:17Wake up.
05:18Here we are at the village fete.
05:32We have arrived in time for the hoedown.
05:35I do hope everyone's enjoying the Barnsbury village fete so far.
05:51Yeah!
05:54Yeah, it's just brilliant.
05:56And a huge congratulations to Benny Webber,
06:01who correctly spelled the word incompetent
06:03to win this year's spelling bee.
06:06I-N-C-O-M-M-P-E-T-E-N-T-E-N-T-E-N-T-E-N-T-E.
06:23E-N-C-O-M-P-E-N-T-E-N-T-E-N-T-E.
06:33And next up in the talent show,
06:34we have Peter Bodkin
06:36with his one-man clog dance.
06:38A round of applause for Peter.
07:03Next up will be my very own daughter,
07:15who will be reciting the entirety
07:16of Alfred Lord Tennyson's
07:18The Lady of Shalott.
07:21Are you ready to perform, my darling?
07:24I'm a little bit nervous.
07:26Don't be nervous.
07:27Look at the beautiful sunshine
07:29and listen to the birds singing.
07:36Ladies and gentlemen, here she is,
07:39showcasing her extraordinary vocal range,
07:42Deborah Davies.
07:43And the scores are in.
08:08And the winner is Deborah Davies.
08:11A round of applause, please.
08:23Oh, please!
08:34There's a stone in me!
08:37Thank you for coming.
08:49And now, a word of congratulations
08:51from our mayor.
08:52I think this is the beginning
09:03of an extraordinary career.
09:05Advertising executives
09:06and voiceover agents
09:08will be calling you every day
09:10on 077-00-900-381.
09:15My talent has been a wagon.
09:18Next up is my play.
09:42I wrote it myself.
09:49I would like to thank Trevor
09:50for providing the special effects.
09:53My play is called...
09:55..toothpaste, $1.99.
09:59Sorry, that's a receipt.
10:01My play is called...
10:03..toothpaste, $1.69.
10:06..enjoy.
10:08Hello.
10:09How much is this toothpaste?
10:10$1.69.
10:11Hello.
10:12How much is this toothpaste?
10:14$1.69.
10:15Hello.
10:21Hello.
10:22How much is this toothpaste?
10:23$1.69.
10:24HE LAUGHS
10:28HE LAUGHS
10:32HE LAUGHS
10:38Well, I think we can all agree
10:49there's still some cuts to be found in that play.
10:53Next up, we have Annie Twilloyle.
10:58Now, Phil, people often say we take things too seriously
11:01at the Cornley Drama Society, but that wasn't always the case.
11:05The original troupe performed a comedy as recently as 1979.
11:13So we thought it'd be nice to step outside our comfort zone
11:17and revisit that laugh-out-loud romp tonight.
11:20This farce has been classified as Grade C bawdy,
11:25so some of the more graphic jokes have had to be censored
11:29to comply with broadcasting decency guidelines.
11:33So please enjoy the classic 70s farce entitled
11:39An Upstanding Member in a Tight Spot in the Back Office.
11:45APPLAUSE
11:46Good morning, Mr Carmichael.
11:56Good morning, Miss Pennyfall.
12:01Frightfully windy day today, isn't it?
12:04Miss Pennyfall, have you got a date tonight?
12:07Oh, yes, sir. A whole bag full.
12:10What is she like?
12:14Now tell me, what appointments do I have today?
12:17Well, at 11 o'clock, we'll be having a bit of How's Your Father.
12:21Ooh!
12:22And at five past 11, you've got a meeting with the Archbishop of Canterbury.
12:26So we've only got five minutes together.
12:28Yes, I thought that would give me four minutes to catch up on paperwork.
12:34What is she like?
12:35Well, don't forget, the Archbishop's terrified of bees,
12:41so I'd best remove these.
12:43Good thinking, Miss Pennyfall.
12:45And the Prince of Wales is coming round at 11.20 to present you with your OBE.
12:50PHONE RINGS
12:51The Prince of Wales?
12:54We best cancel my meeting with Norman Nord, the nudist lord.
12:59Yes, Mr Carmichael.
13:03Now, Dr Rod Problem dropped round these little blue pills?
13:11Sorry.
13:12Little blue pills?
13:18Those are for my downstairs problem.
13:22The leak in the basement?
13:23I'll leave them in this drinks cabinet next to your anti-anxiety medication.
13:34Careful!
13:35These bottles look just alike.
13:37I'd better go and put on a tie.
13:40Let me help you with that.
13:42Thank you, Miss Pennyfall.
13:45Ooh!
13:46Righty-o, then.
13:54Time to clean these windows.
13:57Ooh!
13:57These blooming bees!
14:01I-N-C-O-N-P-E-T-E-N-T.
14:06Incompetent.
14:08What are you doing?
14:09I'm the spelling bees.
14:10Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, you stop buzzing in my face.
14:15Hey, hey, out of it, out of it.
14:17Hey, you pack it in.
14:18Hey!
14:21Blue me dick.
14:23Someone's left the window open.
14:25Now there's soap sands all over the back office.
14:28I best get in there and clean it up before someone slips over.
14:33Water palaba!
14:34Oh, Mrs. Carmichael, leader of the opposition and my wife.
14:51If you don't mind, I popped in your back corridor.
14:54Passage.
14:55I popped in your back passage.
14:58You're early.
15:00Makes a change.
15:01It's usually you who gets here early.
15:03Comes.
15:04Would you like a drink?
15:07Oh, yes.
15:08You know I love a strong one.
15:11A stiff one.
15:17Whoa!
15:21Why are there soap suds all over this floor?
15:26My coat is soaked through.
15:29Oh, dear.
15:29I don't think things could get any worse.
15:32My mother is coming to stay for the weekend.
15:35Looks like I spoke too soon.
15:38I brought you these flowers for you to give to her.
15:42Oh, God.
15:43She's awake.
15:44Where are the tranquilizers?
15:45Well, I best get back to the commons.
15:49Goodbye, darling.
15:51It's 11 o'clock.
15:52It's 11 o'clock.
15:55Time for us.
15:59I've got my bag.
16:02Quickly, Miss Pennyforth.
16:03Hide in the wardrobe.
16:04Mr. Carmichael.
16:13Oh, Mr. Carmichael.
16:14Oh.
16:14Oh.
16:15Oh.
16:15Oh.
16:15Oh.
16:16Oh.
16:16Oh.
16:17Oh.
16:18Oh.
16:18Oh.
16:19I forgot my bag.
16:20Oh.
16:21Oh.
16:22Oh.
16:22Oh.
16:23Oh.
16:24I don't think things could get any worse
16:43Oh crikey I just bought these shoes from the cobblers and they don't off squeak
16:49Get mopping the Prince of Wales is coming to give me my OBE and we can't have soap sods all over the place
17:19Oh
17:33You smashed the window
17:35Oh it's letting a gale
17:49It's blown off our trousers
17:58The Archbishop, quick, hide in the wardrobe
18:12Morning Carmichael
18:20Oh blimey
18:22Why aren't you wearing trousers Carmichael
18:25Pink polka dots are all the rage Archbishop
18:28I'm pleased to hear it
18:29Wow
18:31Now Carmichael, I have to tell you about something that happened to me on the way here
18:37I came out my front door and there were two s*** standing there
18:40s*** with s*** with s*** and s*** right up the cloisters
18:48Now Carmichael, I'm here to talk to you about not building that atheist car park over Canterbury Cathedral
18:52But what's this? A contract from Carparks Limited about building an atheist car park over Canterbury Cathedral?
18:59This is a disgrace Carmichael
19:01I'm telephoning the Vatican
19:03And when they get old of you, you'll be sorrier than I was when I saw the Pope
19:10I said
19:15Raw buttocks
19:17Raw buttocks
19:19Raw buttocks
19:20Raw buttocks
19:21Raw buttocks
19:22Raw buttocks
19:23Raw buttocks
19:24Raw buttocks
19:25Raw buttocks
19:26Raw buttocks
19:27Raw buttocks
19:28Raw buttocks
19:29Raw buttocks
19:30Raw buttocks
19:31Raw buttocks
19:32Raw buttocks
19:33Raw buttocks
19:34Raw buttocks
19:35Raw buttocks
19:36Raw buttocks
19:37Raw buttocks
19:38Raw buttocks
19:39Raw buttocks
19:40Raw buttocks
19:41Raw buttocks
19:42Raw buttocks
19:43Raw buttocks
19:44Raw buttocks
19:45Raw buttocks
19:46I forgot my hat here you go darling
19:51Carmichael oh dear we forgot to cancel my meeting with Norman Nord the nudist
19:59Lord
20:00What's going on Carmichael
20:05What was all that about Carmichael
20:15Don't go near the window
20:17Hey
20:19Hey
20:23Hey
20:27What
20:29Oh it's blown up my trousers
20:33Oh
20:35How embarrassing
20:37How embarrassing
20:43Sorry about that Archbishop please accept these flowers with my apologies
20:49Thank you Carmichael but what's that noise
20:51Oh no
20:53Incompetent
20:55Bees
20:57Bees
20:59Bees
21:01Bees
21:03Bees
21:05Bees
21:07I've been chased by bees
21:09Take one of my anti-anxiety pills
21:17Thank you Carmichael
21:19Could you give me a pill
21:21One could you give me one
21:23Bees
21:25Bees
21:26red
21:27Bees
21:39Oh
21:41Oh
21:49I'm here, Carmichael!
21:54A French maid, a window cleaner, the Archbishop of Canterbury
21:58and the Leader of the Opposition, all at it in the Chief Whip's office.
22:03After seeing this, I can't possibly give you your OBE.
22:07I'll have to give you a knighthood.
22:32That was a pass.
22:34Now, as you can see, we do appear to be down a few members of the cast.
22:39Trevor and I will be taking them to A&E now.
22:44But do not fear, the festival will continue with Jonathan's piece.
22:53It's a musical ensemble number, which would have included the whole cast.
23:01And it's about a circus. Enjoy.
23:14Roll up! Roll up! Come and enjoy the show!
23:17Jimmy! Missy! Tony! Matty! Ricky! Jenny! OK!
23:27Come on, guys! Let's have a song!
23:29I'll play the keys, you sing along!
23:34Piano? No?
23:38OK!
23:39Prepare to see wonders, thrills and delights.
23:44Magic and marbles, incredible sights.
23:48I'm Jimmy the chocolate. I'm Missy the mime.
23:51I'm Tony on the unicycle, ridin' the line.
23:55I'm Magical Matty, with magic, of course.
23:58I'm Rodeo Ricky!
24:02I'm Jenny the gymnast, I'll throw you to bits
24:05When you watch me doing the splits.
24:08Oh!
24:10Oh, my God!
24:12Amazing!
24:13What a talent!
24:17We are the ensemble
24:20We work as a team
24:24We are the ensemble
24:27Together a circus supreme
24:31Take it, Jimmy! With your amazing juggling!
24:33What goes up must come down
24:45But when you're Jimmy the juggler
24:47Turn it around
24:49Wow, that's amazing! Incredible!
24:52Throwing and catching is my thing
24:56But when I'm not juggling
24:57I like to sing
25:02Now go, Missy, with your mime!
25:04You're a mime!
25:26Hell yeah!
25:28Now, Tony!
25:30Show us your skills on the unicycle!
25:35You gotta know the motion
25:37Yeah, you gotta have the feel
25:38When you try to ride a cycle
25:40It's only one wheel
25:42My clothes are made of leather
25:43But my heart is made of steel
25:45I used to have a bicycle
25:46But things got real
25:47Oh, God!
25:57We are the ensemble
26:00We work as a team
26:04We are the ensemble
26:07Together a circus supreme
26:09Now, Matty, marvellous with your magic!
26:13Great.
26:15Purely Afghan
26:17Love your magic!
26:19We have your magic
26:25da deti
26:31A
26:41We are the ensemble
26:54We work as a team
26:58We are the ensemble
27:01Together a circus supreme
27:04Together a circus supreme
27:09We are the ensemble
27:39Together a circus
27:45Together a circus
27:47Together a circus
27:49Together a circus
27:51Together a circus
27:53Together a circus
27:55Together a circus
27:57Together a circus
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