- 6 weeks ago
- #comedy
- #stageplay
- #dryhumor
#comedy #stageplay #dryhumor
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Welcome back to Play of the Week, where each week a new play is performed live in front of a studio audience here in Cornley and broadcast to the nation.
00:23I am Chris Bean, the director. Tonight we are going to present a truly frightening horror. Last Halloween we presented a season of spooky stage adaptations, but regrettably, due to misprints on our publicity materials, we ended up presenting a rather underwhelming production of the Texas Chainsaw Massager, in which a masked man went on a rampage, giving back rubs to the local community.
00:53Equally poorly received was our pyjama-based production of Nightwear on Elm Street.
01:00But we are going to put all that behind us tonight. One tiny note, when we did our dress rehearsal, the play ran very smoothly, but just a touch too short for its time slot.
01:13But do not fear, we have managed to make up those missing three minutes with the subtle use of additional adjectives.
01:20So, the actors are prepared, the stage is set. Please enjoy... The Lodge!
01:27APPLAUSE
01:30What an unusual, creepy old, big, large, blue house.
01:46Alice, come in out of the rain, please!
01:51Oh, wow! This place is amazing!
01:54Well, it's not very homely.
01:57So, how would you like to make this all yours?
02:02Grade 2 listed detached family home, felt 1726.
02:08Every detail of it immaculately renovated in 1931.
02:12Period fixtures and fittings throughout!
02:17Almost everything here is an antique, so please, do be careful.
02:21LAUGHTER
02:28Pretty nice.
02:32How many bedrooms?
02:34Three.
02:35A large, impressive, spacious, elegant, commanding, beautiful en suite for yourselves.
02:40A cosy, warm, welcome, nice, bright, safe single for Alice.
02:43And a small, sweet, snug, petite, pretty, little, compact, neat, charming single.
02:49Perfect for the little one on the way.
02:57Well, that sounds great.
03:00Believe me.
03:02You guys do not want to miss out on this opportunity.
03:10Well, I'm convinced.
03:11David, he's just a good salesman.
03:14Shall we take a look in the kitchen?
03:15Are you sure this place is safe?
03:17It looks a bit rickety, all these old beams.
03:20Oh, of course it's safe.
03:22They built this in the days where they made things to last.
03:25As you can see, a fully fitted kitchen.
03:37Oh, it's lovely.
03:38I suppose I quite like the tiles.
03:41Yes.
03:42Can I pour you a tea?
03:43Yes, please.
03:49Oh, that is nice.
03:53Let's go back into the living room.
03:55Here we are.
03:57What on earth is that?
04:00Oh, good lord.
04:01Yes.
04:03Oh, pay no attention to that.
04:05It belongs to Mr Fortnight.
04:07Don't worry.
04:08It won't be here when you move in.
04:10Now.
04:11No, not now.
04:12Wait for your queue.
04:14Mummy, look what I've got.
04:16Alice, what have I told you about running off without an adult?
04:19I was skipping with the other little girl.
04:21What other little girl?
04:22Outside.
04:24There's no one there.
04:26Yes, there is.
04:27She gave me this.
04:30How odd, strange, bizarre and weird.
04:35Where did you find that?
04:36She must have found it in the spacious, impressive verdant green garden
04:39surrounding the unusual, creepy, old, big, large blue house.
04:43No, Mummy, there was a little girl.
04:45Alice, how old are you?
04:47Seven.
04:50And is that your skipping rope?
04:51Yes.
04:52Why don't you show Tony what you can do?
05:07Can you do any tricks?
05:08No.
05:11How would you like to see your new room?
05:13Can I?
05:14Don't forget your new doll.
05:16That's strange.
05:18It's gone.
05:21Well, it can't have gone far.
05:22Come on, Alice.
05:23I'll race you.
05:24Well, it really is coming down out there.
05:26So, what do you think?
05:27I still don't know, David.
05:28I mean, there's something about this place just gives me the creeps.
05:29And it seems unusually cheap for three bedrooms.
05:30That's the advantage of being a few miles further out.
05:31Damn lights have blown.
05:32Damn lights have blown.
05:33Damn lights have blown.
05:34really is coming down out there so what do you think I still don't know David I mean
05:47there's something about this place just gives me the creeps and it seems unusually cheap for
05:51three bedrooms that's the advantage of being a few miles further out damn lights have blown
05:57this place is cheap because it's old and nothing works good evening didn't mean to scare you not at
06:14all I'm Albert Fortnoyer the vendor yeah fortunately yes unfortunately I wish I didn't have to sell my
06:21dear wife Vera passed away 30 years ago 30 years ago today in fact I can no longer afford the upkeep
06:28all on my own I'm so sorry well it's a beautiful house thank you I've lived here all my life
06:37I feel very safe here it's been in the family since it was built passed down for just passed down passed
06:50down passed down passed down for generations if these walls could talk think of the stories they'd
07:03tell in fact sometimes I think they can sometimes I think I hear them whisper stand by for sound Q7
07:12well thank you very much for having us I think we've seen everything we need to see we best get going
07:19come along Alice
07:20well don't rush off on my account it's getting rather late and there is a storm coming
07:36no we really ought to make a move it's a fair drive home I'll bring the car around oh before you go
07:50let's talk about making an offer that's what's up what a damn nuisance we'll have to call someone
08:09never get a mechanic to come all the way out here now dear she said now dear wait for your cue so
08:25what do we do now well it looks like you'll have to stay the night oh no no no we wouldn't want to
08:30be an imposition it's no trouble at all besides in this weather what choice do you have to stay at the
08:38lodge he's got a point it's far too far to walk back to town oh it's very kind of you oh please
08:49it'll be good to have the company there's plenty of room thank you the little one can stay in there
08:54is cozy warm welcoming bright nice safe study help yourself to anything in the kitchen and there's some
09:00old night clothes in the airing cupboard you have a free run of the house although you should be aware
09:07the fortnight lodge has a few little quirks which I'm sure you'll discover but then again don't we
09:16all sleep well
09:19you
09:28I can't wait.
10:28Ha, ha, ha...
10:38Ha, ha, ha...
10:55Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
11:10Get him off! Get him off!
11:13Just get him off!
11:19Go! Go! Go!
11:21Come on, shut up! Stop!
11:23Is she asleep? Out like a light.
11:27No. No.
11:31No bother.
11:32Some nonsense about another little girl in the mirror.
11:35That girl's imagination.
11:37It'll be good once she's got a little brother to play with.
11:44Yes. Well, anyway, she's fast asleep now.
11:48I made the bed up. Oh, thank you, dear.
11:50Get out! Get out!
11:54No! No! What are you doing?
11:56She said, cue dear.
11:58She said, thank you, dear.
12:00Get out! Get out!
12:02Shut up! Shut up! I will give you a visual cue!
12:05I really don't like that Mr Fortnall. He gives me the creeps.
12:11I'm sure he's just a bit eccentric.
12:13Imagine being alone in this place all these years.
12:15Anyway, time for bed.
12:17Looks like we're bunking in with Tony tonight.
12:19No, no, no, no. Tony! Tony, time for bed.
12:23Fast asleep. Fast asleep. Fast asleep.
12:27Fast asleep.
12:29Chuck a blanket over him.
12:31Oh, for goodness sake. All right.
12:33David, look at this. A newspaper article from 1937.
12:47God, there's dozens of them.
12:514th of June, 1948. Vicar's daughter missing from school presumed dead.
12:57David, her doll looks just like the one Alice found earlier.
13:01Every single page catalogued in perfect order,
13:05all detailing people who've just vanished right up until the present day.
13:08Why would he keep all of this?
13:12I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
13:15I knew there was something odd about that man.
13:17What do you think he's doing up there?
13:19He's probably trying to get some sleep,
13:21and I'd like to do the same.
13:22Ever since we've arrived, I have had a bad feeling about this place.
13:25Get away from there!
13:26David, I can see him!
13:36Get out. We're in the middle of filming.
13:38All right.
13:40David, he's doing something very strange in there.
13:43It's some sort of ritual.
13:45It's not our place to judge a man's religious beliefs.
13:48I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.
13:50Yes, I'm just...
13:51Oh!
14:02Yes, I'm...
14:03I'm sure you're right.
14:04Gosh!
14:06It really is coming down out there.
14:09Oh, my God.
14:10I'm sure you're right.
14:11Oh.
14:12Oh, my God!
14:13Oh, my God!
14:14Oh, my God!
14:15Oh, my God!
14:16Oh, my God!
14:17Then just be glad we're inside.
14:19Oh, my God!
14:20Oh, my God!
14:22Come on!
14:23Give me it!
14:24Give me it!
14:25Give me it!
14:26Give me it!
14:27Give me it!
14:28Give me some blanket.
14:29I don't know.
14:59I don't know.
15:29I don't know.
15:30I don't know.
15:31I don't know.
15:32I don't know.
15:33I don't know.
15:34Only me.
15:39Only me.
15:40What are you doing up at this hour?
15:42I thought I heard a strange noise.
15:45It's most likely a bat.
15:47They often flit about the place at night.
15:59You know, in this light you remind me a little of my Vera.
16:03She and I always wanted a child.
16:05When's it due?
16:07Um.
16:08Any day now.
16:11I'd give anything to see my Vera again.
16:24Get her safely back at...
16:26The Lodge.
16:36Perhaps I will see her again.
16:37There it is The Lodge!
16:41Perhaps I will see her again.
16:42One day.
16:43What was that?
16:44It came from Vera's cosy, warm, welcoming, nice, bright, safe study.
16:48Oh!
16:49Oh my God!
16:50Alice!
16:51David!
16:52Wake up!
16:53She's missing.
16:54Oh my God!
16:55Get her!
16:56Get her!
16:57No!
16:58What are you doing?
16:59You touched your nose.
17:00I was acting.
17:01Very convincing.
17:02We must search the house.
17:03Where is she?
17:04What have you done with our daughter?
17:05Nothing at all.
17:06David, let's not jump to any conclusions.
17:07Mummy!
17:08Why is everyone shouting?
17:09Oh, Alice, thank you.
17:10Oh, Alice.
17:11Oh, Alice, thank you.
17:12Oh, Alice.
17:13Oh, Alice.
17:14Oh, Alice.
17:15Oh, Alice.
17:16Oh, Alice.
17:17Oh, Alice.
17:18Oh, Alice.
17:19Oh, Alice.
17:20Oh, Alice.
17:21Why is everyone shouting?
17:22Oh, Alice.
17:23Thank God.
17:24Come here, my darling.
17:25Mummy's got you.
17:26Oh, Mummy has got you.
17:28Oh, let's go.
17:29It's going to be okay.
17:30Where were you?
17:31I was just talking to the other little girl.
17:34Alice, stop making things up.
17:35There is no other little girl.
17:37Yes, there is.
17:38She's the vicar's daughter and she told me Tony needs help.
17:47I'm sorry.
17:48He's dead.
17:50Pfft.
17:53Alice, go to your room.
17:54Wah!
17:57She'll be safe in there.
17:59The man was clearly unwell.
18:00He'd been taking those pills since we arrived.
18:02Let's afford the man a little dignity at least.
18:05Let's all go back to bed.
18:06We can call the police in the mo-
18:08Let's all go back to bed.
18:10We can call the police in the morning.
18:12What on earth are you talking about?
18:14We can't wait till morning.
18:15Stop it.
18:16Stop it.
18:17We can't wait until morning.
18:21We need to call them now.
18:25Hello?
18:26Yes, police.
18:27I'd like to report a death.
18:29Would they even risk coming out in a storm like this?
18:31We think it may have been an overdose.
18:44Yes, the address is Fortnoy Lodge, ten miles outside of...
18:48Hello?
18:49Hello?
18:50It's gone dead.
18:51You've cut the line.
18:52Yes, I have.
18:53Nothing can be done for Tony now.
18:54How can you be so callous?
18:55A man has died.
18:56Oh, my God, he's gone.
18:57Vera has taken him.
18:58That's why you cut the line.
18:59That's why you cut the line.
19:00That's why you cut...
19:01That's why you cut the line.
19:28That's why you cut the line
19:36And you sabotaged our car
19:38Tony could never have left this place alive
19:41Nor can anyone for that matter
19:42Not when my Vera's life depends on it
19:45What are you talking about, man?
19:46There really is nothing I wouldn't do to see my wife again
19:49And when enough blood has been spilt
19:51My Vera shall return
19:53Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
20:23I got it in the head!
20:47Bang!
20:48Don't look down, my love!
20:53Soon we shall be reunited!
20:57Aha!
20:58Ah!
20:59Ah!
21:00Ah!
21:01Ah!
21:02Ah!
21:03Ah!
21:04Ah!
21:05Ah!
21:06Ah!
21:07Ah!
21:08Emma, tie him to the chair!
21:09I've got him!
21:10No, you haven't!
21:11Yes, I have!
21:12No, you haven't!
21:13You have to let me get me!
21:15You want to get me!
21:16You've got to get me!
21:17Come on!
21:18Stop that!
21:19Get in the chair!
21:20You're weak, Chris!
21:21Get off!
21:24All right, that was too much!
21:25All right, uh...
21:27He got me!
21:29Get out!
21:31Get out!
21:32Get out!
21:33No, you get out!
21:35Shut up!
21:37Oh, shut up!
21:38Oh!
21:39Oh!
21:42Oh, oh!
21:43Oh!
21:45Oh!
21:46Oh!
21:47Oh!
21:48Oh!
21:49Oh, oh!
21:50I'm all right.
22:10Mummy!
22:13The vicar's daughter said the angry lady is coming.
22:16We have to leave now.
22:17The whole house is screaming it.
22:20I've been laughing.
22:23Dennis!
22:24Dennis!
22:25Dennis, get in!
22:26Get in!
22:28Get in!
22:30Get in!
22:32No, get out!
22:33OK, OK, sorry.
22:34No, get in!
22:35Get in!
22:36No!
22:37Say get out!
22:38Say get out!
22:39Don't say say get out!
22:41Just get out!
22:42OK, I'm sorry.
22:43Get back in, Dennis!
22:45No, get out!
22:46All right, all right!
22:47Dennis, come back!
22:48Dennis, come back!
22:49Forget it! Just forget it!
22:51Go away, you idiot! Go away, you idiot!
22:54Get out! Get out!
22:56There it is! Yes, nailed it!
23:02Alice, please, there is no angry lady.
23:06Of course there is, silly. She's right there.
23:19Vanish without a trace.
23:24You will die!
23:28The rain has turned to hail!
23:35Daddy!
23:38Expect more voids.
23:44Oh, no.
23:46We need to get out of here.
23:49It's locked.
23:54It's locked!
23:55I'm afraid there is no way out of the lodge.
24:07Mummy, I'm scared!
24:09Quickly! This way! We can hide in the kitchen!
24:12Quickly, close the door!
24:18Come in that knife from the counter!
24:22Get in the cabinet!
24:24Don't make a sound!
24:28Ha ha ha ha ha!
24:29Ha ha ha ha ha!
24:30Ha ha ha ha!
24:31Ha ha ha ha!
24:32Ha ha ha ha!
24:33Ha ha ha ha!
24:36Where are you?
24:41Are you under the table?
24:46No.
24:48Are you in the pantry?
24:51No.
24:52Then you must be in here!
24:54Ha ha ha ha ha!
24:57Ha ha ha ha!
24:58Ha ha ha ha ha!
24:59You'll never take my family, poor noise!
25:01Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
25:02Ha!
25:03Ha ha ha ha ha!
25:04Ha ha ha ha!
25:05Ha ha ha ha!
25:06Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
25:11Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
25:12No! Don't kill him! No one else has to die.
25:17You're right.
25:23No! I can feel myself changing!
25:27Vera is merging with me!
25:30My Vera! My Vera!
25:36Albert, is that you, my love?
25:39It is, my sweet! With one more life, you shall be reborn!
25:43Behold your new body!
25:45AHHHHH!
25:49No!
25:50Enirgh!
25:51Arrgh!
25:52Arrgh!
25:54Arrgh!
25:58Arrrgh!
25:59Arrgh!
26:01Arrrgh!
26:04Argghhhh!
26:07Ahhhhhhh!
26:09Ahhhhhhh!
26:11Ahhhhhhh!
26:13Ahhhhhhh!
26:15Ahhhhhhh!
26:17Ahhhhhhh!
26:19Ahhhhhhh!
26:21Ahhhhhhh!
26:23Ahhhhhhh!
26:25Ahhhhhhh!
26:27Ahhhhhhh!
26:29Doing far too much there, Chris.
26:33Please don't hurt me, Mummy!
26:35Your Mummy has gone!
26:37My Mummy has gone!
26:39My Mum is dead!
26:41And now I have my revenge!
26:45My revenge!
26:47Help me!
26:49Help me!
26:53Aha!
26:55No need to panic! I'm here now!
26:57I'm... I'm here!
26:59Ahhhhhhh!
27:01I'm... I'm going to kill her!
27:03Help me!
27:05I really need help right now!
27:07Alright, yes!
27:09Hold on! Hold on a minute!
27:11I can't... I have no other option now!
27:13So do I!
27:15I'm going to kill her!
27:17It's happening!
27:19In 3...
27:212...
27:231...
27:25I've been vários.
27:27Ohhhhh!
27:29It's happening!
27:30Aha!
27:53You're safe now.
27:57Here, take my hand.
28:00Let's get you out of this damn place.
28:26Everything's gonna be okay.
28:30What?
28:32What?
28:33What?
28:34What?
28:35What?
28:36What?
28:37What?
28:38What?
28:39What?
28:40What?
28:41What?
28:43What?
28:44What?
28:46What?
28:47What?
Be the first to comment