- 3 months ago
- #comedy
- #stageplay
- #dryhumor
#comedy #stageplay #dryhumor
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FunTranscript
00:00Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to Play of the Week,
00:14where each week a new play is performed live in front of a studio audience
00:17and broadcast to the nation.
00:19I am Chris Bean, the fully reinstated director.
00:25Following Robert's ambitious turn as director last week,
00:28the cast came crawling back to me,
00:31and I graciously agreed to take on the mantle of director once more.
00:36Which reminds me, Robert, here are your new lines for this evening.
00:42It's blank.
00:43Yes, it is.
00:45Robert and I mutually agreed it would be best for him
00:48to play only non-speaking roles this evening.
00:52Tonight's piece is a classic by the great playwright Shakespeare.
00:56To be clear, that's Simon Shakespeare,
00:58the much less well-known and much less well-regarded cousin
01:01of Colin Shakespeare.
01:04So, the actors are prepared.
01:07The stage is set.
01:09Please enjoy the most lamentable tragedy of the Prince of England
01:12and his long-lost twin brother, Prince Regent of France,
01:15and the problems therein experienced by all
01:17when they came to know of one another after a battle.
01:19A noble king is tended by his wife.
01:42Advanced in years, he nears the end of the...
01:45His kingdom disembowelled by bloody war
01:51where death doth stalk from Midland to...
01:53Sure.
02:00Prince Richard, who is out of wedlock, birthed,
02:04carries his father's name, but not his worth.
02:07Queen Isabel would his blood soon spill.
02:17Foul Malcolm plots,
02:19and for the throne...
02:20He'd kill.
02:24With Fairlands in turmoil, up and down,
02:34all men do scheme to try and seize the throne crown.
02:41Oh, hail the king!
02:43A merry trumpet and a bold,
03:10but embolden me it doth not,
03:13for the body of the king doth canker.
03:16What medicine, my love?
03:18For me, there is none.
03:20For the kingdom, the remedy be my heir.
03:24His heir, Richard, is no better than heir itself,
03:27born as he was of a lowly tavern strumpet.
03:30No son of mine is he.
03:32Call forth Eric the Jester!
03:34Eric the Jester!
03:35My liege, you call me forth,
03:42but my name is Eric,
03:44and I am first amongst your court.
03:46BUZZER
03:47Good Eric, I call thee to tell you I do ale.
03:58My lord, we all do ale,
04:00and at celebration, we may wine too.
04:03BUZZER
04:04Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha, ha...
04:09A, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...
04:13Bring forth...
04:17Bring forth...
04:18Bring forth...
04:19The king's...
04:20The king's...
04:20The king's...
04:21Brother...
04:23Brother...
04:24What news?
04:54No news but thy impertinence, Malcolm. Kneel before your king.
05:15Nay, Malcolm, let us speak as brothers. Stand!
05:21I know my throne thou covet for thyself.
05:37Nay, Malcolm, if Richard doth beat the French down, it will be him, not you, that takes the crown.
05:42Call forth Prince Richard.
05:45Bring forth Prince Richard Dick.
05:56You called for me, Father.
05:58My days grow short, young Richard, and soon this crown shall pass unto thy head.
06:08Behold its dignity and pomp.
06:30I shall go forth to war and prove my sword is true.
06:36And if thou tastes victory, this crown shall pass to you.
06:41Come, we shall...
06:54Pity, pity, pity, pity.
06:57Where be my man penis?
07:01Tis vanished.
07:02The...
07:03The...
07:04The...
07:05The...
07:06The spirits must have frowned upon it!
07:09What are these...
07:11Ben...
07:12Benetted baps?
07:13They...
07:15I must go consult the priest...
07:19Before any more of me is...
07:24Released.
07:25Released.
07:35And the court thought he was but an irrelevant trumpeter.
07:41But you shall soon see I am most relevant.
07:44Non-speaking.
07:55I will not see that boy seated upon the throne.
08:04I'd rather see the kingdom in your hand.
08:07God, my lady.
08:10You really look crazy.
08:12Oh, thou speakest poetry and my heart doth melt.
08:16Now we're alone.
08:17Spare me one secret kiss.
08:19One secret kiss.
08:24One secret kiss.
08:26We're alone?
08:28No, you're not.
08:29Yes, we are.
08:31Prithee.
08:33She wants you to leave.
08:35Get...
08:45One secret kiss.
08:46One secret kiss.
08:49One secret kiss.
08:51One secret kiss.
08:53OK, OK.
09:07Now we must be gone before the king sees autumn mist.
09:10ought to miss and now away from the king's fine court to a field where a
09:26bitter battle is fought each man covered in sweat and everyone prepared to die
09:34for the common god
10:04how fair you zero so fair in greatly at the frenchman's hand for who cometh yonder hilltop a man
10:25tis richard our great prince upon his steed what ho fine friend
10:30receive your courage and stick it to your brother's back for we are one hooray yes hooray
10:42bravery rule thy head let valour be thy light bravery oh
10:47oh
10:52fight fight for good richard get them kill the french england forever
10:57char
11:00all up they are charging get them kill the english france forever but wait i cannot fight i am a
11:08pacifist a pacifist why are you here i have to earn a living don't i well what do you do i'm a court
11:13trumpeter but the pay is not enough you're a court trumpeter pacifist who's been forced to go to war
11:18i am what a layered and interesting man you are i agree do you have a song that might outline your
11:24predicament in more detail i do sir oh when i was a young trumpeter hey oh hey
11:31no speaking
11:43curses another eager englishman bearing bloody blade draws near
11:49it is the foul lord buckingham who we frenchmen do fear
11:52what ho prince richard he thinks me english like himself he calls me richard what trickery is this
12:02a fine battle we have won today and we raise our arms victorious
12:06the sun shines bright upon our deeds these noble trees shall bear witness to our glory
12:24and yet i am no tree i am the relevant trumpeter disguised
12:32prince richard why wearest our frenchman's cap upon my paint thou art sure to draw the eye of our
12:41own archers in this beheaded state my father shall deny that this just prove my worth god's teeth i
12:49see my prince in there his shade as though a mirror were here before by jove who art thou we are one
12:54and the same i am prince richard who art thou sir what ho his voice is the echo of mine mine every
13:06syllable doth sound as thine my ears deceive it both they sound alike from whence do you hail come take my
13:13hand eh
13:18i shall not sir i am prince of england eh
13:27some magic trickery how can this be
13:34his every feature doth mirror may
13:37his every feature of the
13:39the
13:41детival except in birth
13:44same voice same height
13:47same
13:52our gestures knit each hair and play
13:56Hey, hey, hey, hey!
13:59Hey!
14:04It is as if the devil stole my...
14:10Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
14:15And I'm playing a tree.
14:25Seriously
14:28Lock him away. I shall to my father this very day
14:55The battle won by England's merry throng good Eric toast their health and give us
15:25a song
15:33Bonnie Peggy Ramsey that any man may see Bonnie was her face fair-freckled was she
15:39Hey nonny nonny hey nonny nay with a slap off my thigh. I will dance all the day
15:55There was a goose that was porked by a ham I have a sausage as I am a man
16:12He has a sausage and she is a man
16:15The goose was in charge I drank to its health then I took off my trousers and showed it myself
16:22He took off his trousers and showed it himself
16:25This is a most pleasing tune
16:27Oh pretty more what happened to Bonnie Peggy Ramsey
16:31Bonnie Peggy Ramsey
16:37Bonnie Peggy came back and what did she see the goose it was nude and laying with me
16:43The goose it was nude and laying with me
16:45The goose it was nude and laying with me
16:47He it was the first time it shan't be the last I put my sausage in the goose's
16:53This is really no more food that's that's quite an out thing
16:57What a charming diversion food more goose my love
17:00No
17:01That guy lost the taste for it he thinks
17:05Father
17:07What is the meaning of this?
17:09Upon our fighting in your name did I happen upon this man
17:12The very shadow of me
17:13Bless my soul
17:15Two sons now before me mine own and this his brother
17:19So you confess this man is my kin
17:21How came this to be so?
17:22Alack
17:23I must at last confess my sin
17:25Your mother was no strumpet but Queen Eleanor of France herself
17:29Stop it
17:31Our kingdom is both at war
17:33You were born in secret brought to be raised under mine eye
17:37Whilst he your twin remained with her
17:41I hope that all shall now be healed
17:43At last this wicked truth revealed
17:56And fortune has united you
17:58So you and I are brothers of both French and English blood
18:02Father at last our war can end
18:04Not to me
18:05Father at last our war can end
18:06Not to me
18:07Father at last our war can end
18:09Yet some wounds be too deep to mend
18:11Father at last our war can end
18:12Father at last our war can end
18:13Father at last our war can end
18:14Father at last our war can end
18:15Yet some wounds be too deep to mend
18:17A blood moon rose portending doom
18:19For foul and bloody murder loomed as the king retired to bed that night he did not know he'd seen his final light
18:24For foul and bloody murder loomed as the king retired to bed that night he did not know he'd seen his final light
18:31For foul and bloody murder loomed as the king retired to bed that night he did not know he'd seen his final light
18:38My father for his sins shall now atone then I Prince Richard
19:05Shall not share the throne
19:09A single drop of poison in thine ear will rob thee of thy health
19:15Approach I now in silence and in stealth
19:20Come subtle poison
19:32Come subtle poison
19:36Come subtle poison
19:40Do thy work
19:43Sorry sorry
19:45The king is dead
19:50But I'll not bear the guilt
19:53I'll frame fair Louis
19:55Then run him to the hilt
19:58Treachery
20:00Foul treachery
20:01What news is this?
20:03The Frenchman Louis hath killed the king
20:06What ho?
20:07The king is dead
20:09My father dead
20:14Reluctant
20:16I am king
20:22Now to the tower we shall this traitor bring
20:26Guard
20:27My lead
20:28Take him away
20:30Take him away
20:31Yet foolish Richard knew not I was no guard
20:34I was the relevant trumpeter
20:37Robert
20:38Idiot
20:39Foul trickery
20:40Villainy
20:41Thou art named
20:42Come Eric
20:43Wake the castle
20:44Assemble the court
20:45All must hear of Louis wicked sport
20:48My lord
20:49Aside
20:50I spy upon his hand a stain of poison green
20:53No it's an aside say it to the side
20:58I spy upon his hand a stain of poison green
21:02No to the side
21:04I spy upon his hand a stain of poison green
21:08I must betray this message to my queen
21:11Go then
21:13My queen
21:18I bid thee brace thyself for news most foul
21:22Prithee tell me the cause of thy scowl
21:25Tarry a moment for em
21:27For em
21:29Tis about the king
21:34Prithee tell me
21:37Tis it about the king
21:39Yes
21:41Methinks it is
21:43You bring me news of the king's health
21:46Methinks
21:48Methinks the king is well
21:51Nope
21:52The king is dead
21:53Aye
21:54The king is well dead
21:56But the worst is still to come for em
22:00Speak fool
22:02Oh it's the twist
22:03Aye
22:04He was murdered by Chris
22:07Chris
22:09Prithee
22:10But who doth Chris play
22:13The king
22:14Nay
22:15The king didn't kill the king did he
22:17He said he was the king
22:19Methinks
22:20Well he's the king now
22:22But before he killed the king
22:24Who was he?
22:25Chris
22:26Chris
22:27No
22:28That's reality
22:30Join me in fiction
22:33In the play
22:37Who is Chris?
22:38The director
22:39No
22:40Which character?
22:41What was he Richard?
22:43No
22:44Yes he was
22:45I thought he was Louie
22:47No he's Richard
22:48They are twins
22:49But they don't look the same
22:50Then
22:51Why are you confused?
22:54I don't even want to be in this scene
22:59Just
23:00Look
23:01My
23:02My goodly fool
23:04My heart in pieces
23:06Tides thee submit
23:08Gentle Malcolm hither
23:09What?
23:10Get Malcolm
23:11Get Malcolm
23:12Right
23:13Oh
23:16Double joy
23:17For now
23:18King Walter's dead
23:19His heir shall join
23:20When Malcolm
23:21Kills Richard
23:22Here
23:23No
23:24Get the actor
23:26Who in the play
23:27Is Malcolm
23:28I'm so sorry
23:30Malcolm
23:31Oh
23:32Well come on ladies
23:38Now is the time to seize this power
23:40Richard and Louie must die
23:42This very hour
23:43Your face will come forever
23:45Hold on
23:46Yeah
23:47Oh no
23:48Oh no
24:02Oh no
24:03To the dungeons
24:05I will stretch thee until thou canst no more.
24:33Demon of hell, do thy work!
24:36Ha!
24:56Go, torturer. Leave this knave to me.
24:59I shall to hell dispatch him presently.
25:02My liege.
25:06Will thou unbind my hands, so that I may pray?
25:10Be quick, that I shall send thee on thy way.
25:16With one swift strike I set both of us free.
25:21Thus with your death, my secret dies with thee.
25:29Thou Malcolm here has caught me unaware.
25:31I shall be unaware.
25:37No martyrs, now you're treacherous with heroes.
25:41Then let us fight, and death to him who yields.
25:45Oh no!
25:49Oh no!
25:53Oh no!
25:57Prince Richard struck by Malcolm's noble blade.
26:01Oh no!
26:07As with this wound, my plans are all unmade.
26:11Guard!
26:13Take him away.
26:15Oh.
26:16Throw him in the darkest cell.
26:20Thank you, sweet Malcolm.
26:22The day is saved, and all is well.
26:24Ow!
26:25One twin is defeated.
26:26Now strike the other down.
26:27With them both gone, we too shall share the crown.
26:30The third took the sword.
26:31Another traitor in this nest of snakes.
26:32Another traitor in this nest of snakes.
26:33Let our blades decide our fates.
26:37Your third took the sword.
26:39Thy sharp tongue cannot harm me now.
26:43Yeah!
26:45Yeah!
26:46Yeah!
26:47Yeah!
26:48Yeah!
26:49Yeah!
26:50Yeah!
26:51Yeah!
26:52Yeah!
26:53Yeah!
26:54Yeah!
26:55Yeah!
26:56Yeah!
26:57Yeah!
26:58Yeah!
26:59Yeah!
27:00My blade doth pierce your back!
27:04And you fall!
27:30My blade doth pierce your back!
28:00My blade doth pierce your back!
28:30My blade doth pierce your back!
28:34My blade doth pierce your back!
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