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#comedy #stageplay #dryhumor
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00:00Welcome back to Play of the Week, where each week a new play is performed live in front of
00:17a studio audience here in Cornley and broadcast to the nation. I am Chris Bean, the director.
00:24Last week, you joined us for our thrilling, unlicensed sequel to War Horse, entitled
00:31More Horse. I'd like to thank all those who wrote in with their complaints. The criticisms offered
00:36were as artistically sound as they were personally abusive. Needless to say, I will never again be
00:43performing my Jamaican accent. So, tonight's piece is a period romance. The actors are prepared,
00:52the stage is set. Please enjoy Harper's Locket!
00:57Bravo, Celeste! I always say you can get the measure of a girl by seeing how well she swings a mallet.
01:12And I always say you can get the measure of a man by seeing how often he insists upon measuring ladies.
01:29Now, now, Celeste. Be nice to your fiancée. Your turn, Edwin.
01:36I don't know how you made that shot.
01:42There's a storm coming. I can feel it in the air.
01:46Celeste! The sun is shining and the sparrows are in flight.
01:52How tranquil it is. Sparrows are so beautiful. I only wish they'd stay still long enough for me to paint them.
01:59Go. Go.
02:01Emily, how is your painting coming along?
02:07He's very nearly finished, Father.
02:10Well, I can't wait to see it.
02:12Where is your butler with that lemonade? I asked him for it ten minutes ago. If he was my man, I'd...
02:22If he was my man, I'd have him flogged.
02:27Really, Edwin? I'd never dream of harming a member of my staff.
02:31I'd grow weary of this game.
02:45Well, just worry, I'll win. She's a card, Edwin.
02:52Excuse me.
02:54She certainly is a card, but that should all have to change when we're married.
02:58Father, please, can we go outside?
02:59Not until we've had our lemonade.
03:01Ah, here comes Smythe now.
03:13Thank you, Smythe.
03:15Delicious.
03:18Did Mrs Hargreaves make it?
03:19Did you? Bravo. Wonderful.
03:22Shake my hand. Don't shake my hand. In fact, just open the wine cellar, will you?
03:26In fact, don't. It's unlocked.
03:27Join your way for Sir Goodman.
03:29I made the lemonade.
03:33Shall we go inside?
03:34But we haven't seen Emily's painting yet.
03:36Oh, yes. Emily, do show us your latest masterpiece.
03:45Oh, Emily, it's marvellous.
03:46It is the very likeness of us.
03:48And you've included a frog.
03:52Yes.
03:53It's the only thing I know how to paint.
03:56What a talent.
03:57Let's head inside.
03:58Hmm.
04:02Celeste?
04:04Celeste?
04:06Oh, come on.
04:09Celeste, aren't you coming in?
04:10I'm sorry, Father.
04:11Celeste.
04:12You seem most distracted this afternoon.
04:13Do I?
04:14What do you think of Edwin?
04:16He's a fine gentleman.
04:17And a splendid match.
04:18Seems very keen on you.
04:19I'm sure you'll be most happy with him.
04:20And he with my dowry.
04:21Please, Celeste.
04:22You know I'm not long for this world.
04:23Oh!
04:24Oh, a-oh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
04:25Weak and drawn.
04:26Oh!
04:27Ha-ha-ha-ha!
04:28His wicked illness grips tighter upon my lungs each day.
04:29Oh!
04:30Oh!
04:32Oh!
04:33Oh!
04:34Oh!
04:35Oh!
04:36Oh!
04:37Oh!
04:38Oh!
04:39Oh!
04:40Oh!
04:41Oh!
04:42Oh!
04:43Oh!
04:44Oh!
04:45Oh!
04:46Oh!
04:47Oh!
04:48But you drive away the baron.
04:49Oh!
04:50Oh!
04:51shall care for you after I've passed I shall care for myself don't be ridiculous I wish to marry for
05:00love you must marry sensibly Celeste love will naturally follow oh please father oh please father
05:21time to take one of your pills thank you
05:44my dear noble papa I'll see you inside
05:49oh
05:58is
06:00oh
06:01we may
06:02oh
06:03oh
06:04oh
06:06oh
06:08oh
06:10oh
06:12Home, home, sweet, sweet home There's no place like home, there's no place like home
06:27Emily, I do wish you'd play more often.
06:31Thanks, Father. Mother always used to say, practice makes perfect.
06:35There's no place like home, there's no place like home.
06:49Emily, I do wish you'd play more often.
06:52Mother always used to say,
06:54practice...
06:55Oh, there's no place like home, there's no place like home.
07:14Oh, beautiful.
07:18Emily, I do wish you'd play more often.
07:21Mother always used to say, practice...
07:23Emily, please, stop practicing.
07:25Yes, I'd like to stop practicing.
07:26We'd all like you to stop practicing.
07:28You must stop practicing.
07:29I will.
07:32You have to stop practicing.
07:48Emily, I do wish you'd play more often.
07:53Yes.
07:55Mother always used to say, practice makes perfect.
08:01Well, not in this case.
08:05Where's Celeste?
08:06Is she sitting a while longer in the garden?
08:08Oh, yes, it's almost four.
08:10She'll be waiting for Harper to come back from riding.
08:13Harper?
08:13Our stable boy.
08:14Celeste really is obsessed with horses.
08:17Mm, horses.
08:18Harper!
08:20Harper!
08:22Harper!
08:30Hello, Harper.
08:31Hello, Harper.
08:50Hello, Harper.
08:51Oh, good afternoon, Miss Fennec.
08:54And hello, Treacle.
08:56How are you, girl?
09:01Nay.
09:07Why didn't you join us for supper, Harper?
09:09The thistles must not grow amongst the fine roses, Miss.
09:12Oh, Harper, I do so admire how you see the world.
09:17So simple.
09:19So pure.
09:28So gentle.
09:31I eat nothing special, Miss.
09:35I brought some oats from the pantry for your friend here.
09:38Eat up, Treacle.
09:44Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
09:52She was hungry.
09:54Nay.
09:56Harper.
09:58Miss Fennec.
09:58Get back indoors, Miss Fennec.
10:06You don't want to get caught in the rain.
10:08Goodbye, Harper.
10:09Come on, girl.
10:11Clop, clip.
10:11Clop, clip.
10:12Clip, clip.
10:13Oh, are we both horses?
10:14Oh, Celeste.
10:19Ah, Celeste.
10:21Edwin.
10:25I meant every word.
10:27Please, stop.
10:28I must have you, Emily.
10:29Edwin, it's over.
10:30You're marrying my sister.
10:31A marriage of convenience.
10:32My father wants a dowry, yours a title.
10:34Nothing more.
10:35Oh, Edwin.
10:36You must listen to what I'm saying, but I don't want to hurt you.
10:49Excuse me.
10:52But father is ill, and if he were to find out about you and I, I, I fear he could not stand
10:58the shock.
10:59Then you ought not to break it off with me.
11:01If you do, I'll see your father learns everything.
11:04I don't understand what you mean.
11:06Kiss me.
11:08No, Edwin.
11:09Oh.
11:12Emily.
11:13Emily, come back.
11:14Emily.
11:16Emily.
11:17Emily.
11:18Emily.
11:21Stable boy.
11:24Stable boy.
11:24Oh, sir.
11:26You didn't see anything just now, did you?
11:28Nothing at all, sir.
11:30What a charming animal.
11:36That's a nice locket you've got there.
11:38Belonged to my mother.
11:39Of course.
11:40I didn't imagine you could afford such fine things.
11:44I could help you with that.
11:50Take this.
11:51No.
11:54Take this.
11:56No.
11:59Take this.
12:05No.
12:08Take this.
12:09Don't take it.
12:12No, I couldn't possibly, sir.
12:16No, no.
12:20I insist.
12:21No, I insist.
12:27Do I take it?
12:28No.
12:29You're a horse.
12:30You've got nothing to spend it on.
12:32Apples.
12:33Horses don't buy apples.
12:34They would if they had money.
12:35Shut up.
12:36Take it.
12:38Here's a good chap.
12:39Oh, come on, girl.
12:50Oh, come on.
12:52Winnie!
12:56Canter, canter.
12:57Clock, clock, clock.
12:58Canter, clock, clock.
13:00Mine?
13:01Mine?
13:01Yes, sir.
13:08Sir?
13:09Better Mr. Finnick, would you?
13:11Sir?
13:11I'll be damned if a stable boy is going to cost me my dowry.
13:15Edwin.
13:16Ah, that's Finnick.
13:18May I speak with you privately?
13:19Of course.
13:20Step out, we'll lose my...
13:21Yes, sir.
13:27It's rather unfortunate.
13:28I left my wallet on the dining table just now, and when I came back, I found a pound note
13:34missing.
13:34Good Lord.
13:35And I hate to say it, but I saw your man Harper leave pretty sharpish when I came in.
13:41Harper?
13:41A thief?
13:42Thank heaven, Smythe didn't hear you say that.
13:44He's like a father to that boy.
13:48As I say, rather unfortunate.
13:50I'll send for him now.
13:51Smythe, come in here, will you?
13:56Sir?
13:57Smythe.
13:59Go and fetch Harper from the stables, will you?
14:01Of course, sir.
14:01Yes, need to have a word with him.
14:03Sorry about all this, Edwin.
14:06Sir?
14:06So sorry about all this, Edwin.
14:20Oh, no, not at all.
14:21It's hardly your fault.
14:22Well, that's jolly decent of you.
14:23Mr. Feddeck, you want to see me, sir?
14:26There you are, Harper.
14:27Smythe, wait inside, would you?
14:29As you wish, sir.
14:30I'd rather you didn't hear this.
14:31Now, turn out your...
14:33Turn out your pockets, Harper.
14:53What's this about, sir?
14:55Don't play the fool with me.
14:56What do you mean?
14:57We all know you've taken the parents' money.
14:59I've done no sense.
15:00Then how do you explain this bubble gum?
15:06How do you explain this bubble gum?
15:09This hasn't been invented yet.
15:11But also, how do you explain this handful of milk sachets?
15:20You're not supposed to take these from the canteen!
15:22But also, how do you explain this Dr. Frog script?
15:27Enter Dr. Frog.
15:29Look at these medical reports.
15:31They're ribbiting.
15:31Did you write this?
15:32This is Josh.
15:36Where's the money?
15:37Oh, yes.
15:38Not your contemporary money, the money in the play.
15:41Oh, oh.
15:42Then how do you explain this?
15:44One pound note.
15:49Mr. Graves insisted I take it from him, sir.
15:51I did nothing of the sort, you common thief.
15:54What's going on?
15:55It pains me greatly to do this, Harper.
15:57But you're relieved of your post.
16:01Oh!
16:06Oh!
16:07Harper, this is awful.
16:22Oh, yes.
16:23Here.
16:24Take my locket.
16:26As a token of my love.
16:27When everyone sleeps tonight, meet me here.
16:30And like the swallows heading south for warmer climes,
16:33we too shall fly and start a new life.
16:35Oh, Harper.
16:36And now, go.
16:44Gray!
16:45Until tonight, my love.
16:47Time to take your pill, Father.
17:15Ah, I suppose.
17:25No.
17:36Feeling better, Father?
17:37My birth.
17:38Dinner is served.
17:47Thank you, Mrs. Hargreeves.
17:54Thank you, Smythe.
17:57I was right.
17:58The storm is coming.
17:59Come, Papa.
18:07You must take your seat at the head of the table.
18:09I do love this spot.
18:25What a treat it is to be dining with family and family-to-be.
18:29But, Celeste, why do you look so sad?
18:32I was just thinking of poor Harper.
18:34The rain is really coming down now.
18:36Yes.
18:37I'd hate to be out in this.
18:39It's no less than he deserves.
18:42Chef's finest roast vegetables.
18:47Oh, doesn't that look good?
18:50And the gravy.
18:53Oh, it's delicious.
18:57Oh, I don't know.
19:01Okay, Charlie.
19:02I'll just fetch the wine.
19:05Forgive me for such a happy occasion.
19:08There are more tears in my eyes than I anticipated.
19:11But now, we must toast to Celeste.
19:14Until now, Fenwick.
19:15And soon to be a brand new brain.
19:17Water, Mr. Fenwick?
19:18No, thank you.
19:19I have plenty.
19:21Thank you, Bernard, for welcoming me into your family.
19:26Thank you, Emily, for the warmth you have shown me.
19:29And, of course, Celeste, my love.
19:32I cannot wait to share the rest of my life with you.
19:37Now, please, raise your glasses to my daughter, Celeste.
19:42But, of course, it would not be right to toast my daughter
19:45without toasting my new son.
19:47There's a string, as well, to Ballad Edwin Day.
19:51It's not one thing, it's another.
19:52To Ballad Edwin Day, the newest member of the family!
19:59Of the family!
20:01Fix this.
20:04Cheers.
20:04Cheers.
20:06Oh, sorry.
20:11What a wonderful sentiment, Father.
20:13My darling, what an unusual locket.
20:16Whatever did you get in?
20:18I don't know.
20:19I've had it for years.
20:21Is that so?
20:22It was mother's.
20:23Your mother's locket was silver.
20:25I'm sure you're mistaken, Father.
20:27How's your food?
20:28A little dry.
20:30Oh, Father, don't start yet.
20:31We must stay great.
20:32Of course.
20:33Dear Lord.
20:35Bless this food unto us and us to your service.
20:40Protect us from harm and keep us safe in your kingdom.
20:43Amen.
20:43Amen.
20:47Marvellous.
20:48Let's tuck in.
20:53Emily, would you pass the horse, Raddiff?
20:56Celeste, don't slouch.
21:08You really must try some of this cranberry sauce.
21:12Yes, Father.
21:13Father.
21:41There's no place like home.
22:11Oh good, the rain stopped.
22:20Emily, my dear, when will we be seeing you marry, I wonder?
22:25I have no intention of marrying any time soon, Father.
22:30So young to have sworn off men already.
22:33Indeed I have, Father.
22:35My little experience of gentlemen has taught me to find them.
22:40A white beast.
22:50Father, would you carve the rump?
22:55Please allow me to season it first, sir.
23:11And I'll just check that it is cooked through.
23:23We'll take it as red that that's fine to eat, although we will not eat that.
23:32I quite agree with you, Emily.
23:36There are some gentlemen who are barely men and anything but gentle.
23:41I can't stand another moment of this.
23:44Sitting inside all cosy and warm and all the while you are lying to us.
23:47I don't know what you mean.
23:49Don't play the fool.
23:50You're wearing Harper's locket.
23:56Your daughter is planning to run away with a common stable boy.
23:59Is this true, Celeste?
24:00It is, Father.
24:01It is, Father.
24:02I love him.
24:03And I love her.
24:05This is too much for my fragile lungs.
24:08Have you no shame?
24:11You'll want to talk.
24:12It's time to come clean.
24:14Emily, please.
24:15Edmund and I have been having a liaison.
24:17Hold my heart!
24:20Can you ever forgive me, Celeste?
24:22My love, it's time.
24:23We must flee this cruel house.
24:25You'll not be going anywhere without your horse.
24:29Action!
24:30You're right.
24:31We probably could have used less.
24:32Twinkle!
24:33Twinkle!
24:34No!
24:35Oh, Edwin!
24:36How could you?
24:37Now that the horse is dead, it's time to put the dog out of its misery.
24:54Oh, Celeste, no!
25:04Edwin!
25:05Celeste!
25:06Oh, dear, Celeste, don't die.
25:20Celeste knew there was a terrible storm coming.
25:23Look how happy we were just a few hours ago.
25:27Playing croquet without a care in the world.
25:30A frog was there.
25:32Celeste, you're alive!
25:35How?
25:36Harper's locking.
25:41Thank God.
25:43But what about Treacle?
25:46Treacle?
25:47Treacle!
25:48She's alive.
25:49She's going to be all right.
25:51Treacle!
25:52No, Treacle!
25:53No, ah!
25:54No!
25:55Treacle!
25:56Treacle!
25:57Ah!
25:58Ah!
25:59Ah!
26:00Ah!
26:01Bray!
26:02Bray!
26:03Father, I am so sorry to have caused you such pain.
26:06Father, I am so sorry to have caused you such pain.
26:10My darling girl, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.
26:14If Harper makes you happy, then you have my blessing.
26:18Be he pauper or prince, he will be part of our family.
26:21Thank you, sir.
26:23Thank no more.
26:26Where's Smythe? Smythe, you must hear of this!
26:33Oh!
26:36Indeed.
26:41Emily, are you all right?
26:43Of course.
26:44Edwin was a frightful man who preyed upon me in my young naivete.
26:54Excuse me.
26:57I'm so sorry to have inflicted that dreadful man upon you.
27:01Well, I say...
27:03good riddance to him.
27:04Look, everyone, the clouds are clearing.
27:21The storm has passed.
27:27Harper, perhaps you'd like to join us inside.
27:30Thank you, sir.
27:36I feel as though an awful weight has been lifted off my lungs.
27:41Emily, perhaps you'd play that song for us again.
27:44Of course, Father.
27:47Sweet, sweet home.
27:49Toll tales to make you blush.
28:06Tom Allen and Jeff Northcott join the Would I Lie to You teams in just a moment on BBC One.
28:11And that's followed by brilliant new comedy, King Gary, recovering after an operation.
28:16He just can't get a moment's peace.
28:18Coming up in half an hour.
28:19We'll see you next time.
28:20We'll see you next time.
28:20We'll see you next time.
28:21We'll see you next time.
28:22We'll see you next time.
28:23We'll see you next time.
28:24We'll see you next time.
28:25We'll see you next time.
28:26We'll see you next time.
28:27We'll see you next time.
28:28We'll see you next time.
28:29We'll see you next time.
28:30We'll see you next time.
28:31We'll see you next time.
28:32We'll see you next time.
28:33We'll see you next time.
28:34We'll see you next time.
28:35We'll see you next time.
28:36We'll see you next time.
28:37We'll see you next time.
28:38We'll see you next time.
28:39We'll see you next time.
28:40We'll see you next time.
28:41We'll see you next time.
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