- 2 months ago
- #comedy
- #stageplay
- #dryhumor
#comedy #stageplay #dryhumor
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Welcome back to Play of the Week, where each week a new play is performed live in front of a studio audience here in Cornley and broadcast to the nation.
00:22I am Chris Bean, the director. Tonight, I am thrilled to present the first legal drama we've ever staged, although, admittedly, not the first we've ever been involved in.
00:34Before we begin, I do have one parish notice. Unfortunately, there has been an error with the technical drawings for the courtroom set.
00:42While the dimensions were written in inches, they were interpreted by the builders in centimetres, so that does mean the courtroom is a little snug, but I'm sure you will barely notice.
00:52So, the actors are prepared, the stage is set. This play is a trial to watch.
01:12You look nervous.
01:20Maybe a little.
01:22Well, don't worry about the judge. I've got Shawcroft wrapped around my little sleeve.
01:28Ever since the Wetherby case, I had a real finger up his ace.
01:33In all my years on the force, I've never seen a judge throw out so much evidence. I'd be willing to bet good money that...
01:40I'm going to stop you right there.
01:42Isn't that what got you chucked off the force to begin with? Betting too much money on things? Remember, Jack, I...
01:50I know what I'm doing.
01:52I know what I'm doing.
01:55I'm the best defence lawyer in the country.
01:56You're the best defence lawyer in the country.
01:59No, you are.
02:00I am.
02:03I'm the best defence lawyer in the country.
02:06You're right. I'm in good hands.
02:07Well, well, well. Look who it is. It's, er... It's...
02:16Becky Sandhurst.
02:16Becky Sandhurst!
02:19Leader of the prostitution.
02:21Prosecution.
02:22She's my sex life.
02:25Ex-wife.
02:26Ex-wife!
02:28She's my ex-wife. Morning, Carl. You're looking well.
02:30Morning, Carl. You're looking well.
02:32How's Jess? Long pause.
02:35Come on, Becky! I have every right to ask about my daughter.
02:41She's fine.
02:42Hope she's not too disappointed when her mum loses the case.
02:44Loses?
02:45You may as well give up now. We have the truth on our side.
02:49Since when has the truth mattered? I get off with all my clients.
02:54You get all of your clients off.
02:57I do.
02:58And that's why I'm gonna get jacked off.
03:01You get jacked off?
03:04You know me. I don't have any...
03:06Scrupley?
03:08Listen, your lack of scruples is exactly the reason I don't allow you to see your daughter anymore.
03:13I know you still love me, Becky.
03:15The man I loved knew the difference between right and wrong.
03:19Sexual tension thrums between them.
03:21No.
03:24I'll see you in court.
03:45All rise.
04:10All rise.
04:32Morning.
04:34Be seated.
04:35Order.
04:53Caleb, please summon the jury.
04:55Summon the jury.
04:57Come along, please.
04:59Come along, please.
05:08No, no, I've got you. I'm going to go.
05:10I'm going to go. I'm going to go.
05:11I'll stop pushing. I'm going to stop pushing.
05:13It's on it. No, it's on it.
05:16Call the defendant to the dock.
05:18Defendant to the dock.
05:24Jack Inwood.
05:26You stand here on trial before a jury.
05:29The jury of three of your peers.
05:32You are charged with the murder of your brother,
05:35Nigel Terence, in Woodham.
05:36Counsel, how does your client plead?
05:38Guilty, Your Honour.
05:39Not guilty.
05:40The script says guilty.
05:42Not guilty now, that's later.
05:45Not guilty now, but guilty later.
05:51Have the jury elected a foreman?
05:53They have, my lord.
05:54Will the foreman please rise?
05:55He's in the hall.
05:56Moving on.
05:57Madam Prosecutor, proceed.
06:00Your Honour.
06:01Your Honour.
06:04Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
06:08I put it to you
06:09that the defendant
06:11killed his brother
06:13in cold blood
06:15on the night of August the 11th.
06:17You will hear
06:19You will hear
06:19how Nigel Inwood
06:21returned home
06:22expecting to see his wife
06:23Angela Inwood, MP
06:24but instead
06:26was faced
06:28with his brother
06:29who was waiting for him
06:31in the living room.
06:33Living room.
06:34Living room.
06:34Living room.
06:36Living room.
06:36Living room.
06:37Living room.
06:38Living room.
06:38Don't worry. It's going to be OK.
06:50Angela, I'm home.
06:53Nigel, you're home early, aren't you?
06:55What are you doing here?
06:57I needed to talk to you.
06:59Can I pour you a brandy?
07:01Sure. Haven't seen you in a while.
07:05Mind if I finish the bottle?
07:07Go ahead.
07:08Oh, my God.
07:14Place looks different. You redecorated?
07:16Well, we're halfway there.
07:19Who's this?
07:20That's me. Bit of a hobby of mine. Do it every Saturday.
07:24Always the show-off.
07:26Look, Jack, just spit it out. What have you got to say?
07:30What have you got to say?
07:46I can't pay you back the money.
07:48You know what your problem is, Jack?
07:50I'm sure you're going to tell me.
07:51You're selfish.
07:52You just take. And you take. And you take.
07:57What do you want me to say?
08:00I lost it.
08:01At the casino?
08:02No!
08:02I'm sorry.
08:06This is the last straw.
08:08Calm down, Nige.
08:10I'm bleeding.
08:18I'm bleeding.
08:21I'm bleeding.
08:23I'm bleeding.
08:24I'm bleeding.
08:25I'm bleeding.
08:26I'm bleeding.
08:27Blood!
08:28This is Professor Imogen Winterbottom beginning autopsy report for Nigel Inwood.
08:58Oh!
09:09Shit!
09:12Org.
09:25Subject is male, age 29, no residual scars or markings.
09:34There is an acute laceration to the chest from...
09:37Oh, cold.
09:41From a sharp object, making first incision.
09:55Hmm. Internal organs appear uncontaminated.
10:05Oh!
10:09No foreign bodies.
10:25Oh!
10:32Nothing unusual.
10:37Proceeding to the heart.
10:43Thank you!
10:46The heart has been pierced.
10:47Lacerations to the first and fourth ventricle.
10:50The nature of the lacera...
10:55The nature of the lacerations indicate
10:58the assailant would have been left-handed
11:00and approximately six foot tall.
11:19Approximately six foot tall.
11:21Mr Inwood, could you please stand up to your full height?
11:28The attacker was six foot.
11:31Mr Inwood stands at...
11:35Two foot nine exactly the same.
11:38Erection!
11:42Ob...objection?
11:43How can you object to that, Carl?
11:47What's the matter, Peggy?
11:48Can't keep up?
11:50Order in court!
11:52I'm sorry, Your Honour.
11:54That's quite all right.
11:56Please proceed.
11:58My client is innocent.
11:59I'll be the one to decide that, Mr McKinnon.
12:01You're just trying to undermine me because I'm your ex-wife.
12:04Are you really going to let her speak to me like that, my Lord?
12:08Order! Order! Stop this at once!
12:10Don't you know who I am?
12:12Mr McKinnon, on this occasion,
12:13the court will be glad to uphold your erection.
12:16Objection!
12:19Is there anything you'd like to add?
12:20Yes, Your Honour.
12:22Some arrogant legal stuff
12:23and a line about him being right-handed
12:25that's important for the plot later.
12:29My God, you're good.
12:30Do you request a mistrial?
12:35I request a mistrial!
12:36Request denied!
12:37The prosecution will now question Mr Inwood.
12:40Mr Inwood,
12:41did you hate your brother?
12:43This is outrageous!
12:45Mr Inwood!
12:47Bailiff!
12:48Please join the defendant in the dog.
12:49If you can't conduct yourself appropriately,
12:51you shall have to be supervised.
13:00Mr Inwood!
13:01Mr Inwood!
13:02You were waiting in your brother's house
13:04with the intention to kill him, weren't you?
13:07That's not true!
13:08The evening started just as you described.
13:11I was waiting for Nigel in his living room.
13:13Living room!
13:14Living room!
13:15Living room!
13:16Living room!
13:17Living room!
13:18Living room!
13:19Living room!
13:20Living room!
13:21Living room!
13:22Living room!
13:23Living room!
13:24Living room!
13:25Living room!
13:26Living room!
13:27Living room!
13:28Living room!
13:29Living room!
13:30Living room!
13:31Living room!
13:32Living room!
13:33Living room!
13:34Living room!
13:35Living room!
13:36Living room!
13:37Living room!
13:38Living room!
13:39Living room!
13:40Living room!
13:41Don't worry. It's going to be okay.
14:01Angela, I'm home.
14:06Nigel, you're home early, aren't you?
14:09What are you doing here?
14:10I needed to talk to you. Can I pour you a brandy?
14:17Haven't seen you in a while.
14:21Mind if I finish the bottle?
14:24Go ahead.
14:35Place looks different. You redecorated?
14:37We're halfway there.
14:45Who's this?
14:47That's me.
14:50It's a bit of a hobby of mine. I do it every Saturday.
14:56Always showing off.
14:59Look, Jack, just spit it out. What have you got to say?
15:04I can't pay you back the money.
15:10You know what your problem is, Jack?
15:13I'm sure you're going to tell me.
15:14You're selfish. You just take and you take and you take.
15:23What do you want me to say? I lost it!
15:25At the casino!
15:29I'm sorry!
15:30This is the last straw.
15:32Calm down, Nigel!
15:33Agh!
15:35Agh!
15:37Agh!
15:39Agh!
15:41Agh!
15:43Agh!
15:45Agh!
15:47Agh!
15:49Agh!
15:50Agh!
15:51Agh!
15:52Agh!
15:53I've fallen on my own knife!
15:54Agh!
15:56Agh!
15:57Agh!
15:58Agh!
15:59I'm bleeding!
16:00Agh!
16:01Agh!
16:03Agh!
16:04Agh!
16:05Agh!
16:07Agh!
16:11Agh!
16:12Boom, boom.
16:14Boom, boom.
16:15Boom, boom.
16:17Boom.
16:19And that's how it happened.
16:43I didn't stab Nigel.
16:45He fell on the letter opener he was using to attack me.
16:48I'm completely innocent.
16:50No further questions, my lord.
16:52Court is adjourned until 9am tomorrow.
17:02Thanks for today.
17:04You really are the best.
17:07Jack, is there something you need to tell me?
17:10How do you mean?
17:11Because if there is, now's the time while we're alone.
17:16I told you everything already.
17:18Do you want to change your plea now?
17:20There might be time.
17:21Justice Shawcroft can be surprisingly flexible.
17:26If you're found guilty, he might not be so lenient.
17:29He's a serious man.
17:30Oh, this is cobbless.
17:31Don't worry about it.
17:44You really crushed that prosecutor today.
17:46You don't think I was too hard on her?
17:48I'm not paying you to have a conscience.
17:50I'm paying you to get me off.
17:51Jack you off.
17:52Here's your cheque.
17:55I thought you were right handed.
17:58Oh, yes.
17:59Of course.
18:00Jack, you left your...
18:11My God.
18:12Have a pleasant evening, Miss Stokes.
18:13I have some work to do in my chambers.
18:28Good night, Your Honor.
18:29Good night.
18:30Inward?
18:31What are you doing here?
18:44Judge, I have something I need to discuss.
18:58discuss. Very well, take a seat.
19:12Right then Wood, what do you want? You don't remember me, do you? Maybe you should check my file.
19:19That's easily done, I have it just here.
19:28I can't read in this light.
19:57I can't read in this light.
20:07Much better.
20:10Good Lord.
20:15You ought to read your case files more carefully.
20:18I'll have you know I always thoroughly digest every case file I receive.
20:28Perhaps you don't recognise me out of my uniform.
20:33Uniform, not constable inward.
20:36That's right. I know all about the hush money you took on the weatherby case.
20:39Watch your tone. There's no room for big headedness in my chambers.
20:44You better call a mistrial tomorrow.
20:46Get out.
20:47Don't make an enemy of me judge.
20:51Take your foot out the door.
20:55Think about it.
20:56I can't answer it can I?
21:02Morning. Mind if I join you?
21:08Can't stop you.
21:09We need to talk.
21:10I've got nothing to say.
21:11But I need you to trust me.
21:12Why should I? You're a cheat Karl.
21:14Listen.
21:15I'm calling Nigel's wife to the stand today.
21:17Great.
21:18It'll be a media circus and they're just how you like it.
21:21I think Jack's lying.
21:23He's left handed.
21:24You just don't get it do you?
21:25You think that all of this is a game.
21:27That the winning is more important than how you do it.
21:29I promise I've changed.
21:30Things are moving too quickly Karl.
21:32You may be the better lawyer.
21:34When it comes to raising a child you've got to be more than that.
21:37You've got to be the better person.
21:38That's what I'm doing now.
21:40Don't try and give up Karl.
21:42Jack left his phone in court.
21:44You should see the messages on it.
21:46Here.
21:47You were right.
21:48The truth is on your side.
21:59Remember.
22:00It's not about us.
22:02It's about just us.
22:04Justice.
22:08Karl wait.
22:10Yeah.
22:13Thanks.
22:14Just be ready.
22:15I'll see you in court.
22:26Good morning.
22:27I'm Henry Brown.
22:28I'm standing outside the old Bailey courthouse.
22:31Where a jury has just heard the defence make its final statement.
22:34I was just escorted out of the trial for ripping myself.
22:41Now we have to wait and see what the jury decide.
22:46And for reporting.
22:48be seated
23:00i've been reviewing the case and i've come to the conclusion that given the lack of evidence
23:09your request for a mistrial is perhaps warranted after all
23:13what no that's outrageous order in court in my order in court everyone settle down
23:19your honor i withdraw my request you can't do this this is most irregular
23:26why are you rejecting the mistrial mckenon because i'm tired of getting off with guilty
23:30men the trial will continue miss sandhurst your witness the prosecution calls angela inward mp
23:38to the stand
23:44mrs inwood your relationship with the defendant your husband's brother is simply a friendship
23:50yes course then how do you explain these text messages clearly showing you were involved
24:00in an affair and placing you at the scene of the crime
24:05it's true jack and i were lovers but neither of us intended for nigel to die
24:10it started off as a night of passion
24:13and happiness
24:14do you hear that it's nigel he mustn't see us quick hide in the wardrobe
24:42I don't want to
24:49Don't worry
24:56It's going to be okay
24:57Nigel, I'm home
25:01Hello, Nigel
25:06You're home early, aren't you?
25:08What are you doing here?
25:09I needed to talk to you
25:11Can I pour you a brandy?
25:13Sure
25:14Haven't seen you in a while
25:18Mind if I finish the bottle?
25:23Go ahead
25:23Nice looks different
25:44Redecorated
25:46Well, we're halfway there
25:48Who's this?
25:52That's me
25:53Bit of a hobby of mine
25:56Do it every Saturday
25:58Always showing off
26:01Look, Jack
26:03Just spit it out
26:05What have you got to say?
26:07I can't pay you back the money
26:09You know what your problem is
26:12I'm sure you're going to tell me
26:13You're selfish
26:16You just take
26:18And you take
26:19And you take
26:20What do you want me to say?
26:23I lost it
26:24You are unbelievable
26:25Angela
26:27What's going on here?
26:30I can explain
26:31You are having an affair
26:32This is the last straw
26:34Calm down, knife
26:36Put the knife down, Jack
26:52What have you done?
27:02I'm bleeding
27:22It's not true
27:43I didn't do it
27:44Not that of questions, M'lord
27:46In light of this new testimony
27:48I'm prepared to find the defendant
27:50guilty
27:51as charged
27:52This court is adjourned
27:54Cole, what you did in there was incredible
28:16It just goes to show
28:17It's not about the winning
28:19It's about justice
28:20Just us
28:21Carl, wait
28:26You were right about one more thing
28:31Yeah
28:31I do still love you
28:33And I love
28:35You
28:37And I love me
28:39They kiss, roll credits
28:42New year
28:47New year, new comedy for your Friday nights
28:48The ultimate geezer diva
28:50King Gary is taking on his suburban rivals
28:52In half an hour
28:52And if you're one of the millions
28:54Who love Gavin and Stacey
28:55Relive the full story from the start
28:57All episodes are streaming now
28:58On iPlayer
28:59Might have tule me, up near the end of the side
29:19əs be in the end of the under title
29:21Are you that you want me to be here?
Be the first to comment