- 3 months ago
- #comedy
- #stageplay
- #dryhumor
#comedy #stageplay #dryhumor
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00:00Good evening and welcome to Play of the Week, where each week a new play is performed live
00:16in front of a studio audience and broadcast to the nation. I'm Robert Grove, the director.
00:21Last Christmas, we presented the Nativity Story, which received so many complaints, I was able to launch a successful coup and dislodge our previous director, Chris Bean, from his post.
00:37In fact, that reminds me, Chris, here are the rewrites for this evening.
00:43Chris Bean, everyone.
00:46I know, I know.
00:49Now, when Chris directed our productions, they did sometimes contain errors.
00:55In fact, the opening scene of the Nativity contained 27 mistakes alone.
01:00But for tonight's epic family saga, I can confidently announce there will be no more errors.
01:07No mishaps. Tonight, everything will be perfect.
01:11Perfect? Perfect. Sorry, there was an error. There'll be no more errors.
01:14That didn't happen. Reset your minds. We'll go again.
01:18Tonight, everything will be perfect. The actors are prepared. The stage is set. Please enjoy summer once again.
01:28Where's the table?
01:29I feel I've lived through this moment so many times before. So often have I dreamt of Roger's return to Northwood Manor.
01:39They say war changes a man, sister. Do you think I'll recognize him, Edward?
01:40He's Roger. Of course you'll recognize your son. For years you have hoped he will come home hard.
01:41Hoped hard he will come home. Yes.
01:42Hoped hard he will come home. Yes.
01:43Yes.
01:44Yes.
01:45Yes.
01:46Hard.
01:47Stop saying hard.
01:48Hard.
01:49You are a pure and pious man, brother.
01:51Jacob, hurry along.
01:52Jacob, hurry along. Make sure there's enough wood on the fire.
01:54Yes, ma'am.
01:55Yes, ma'am.
01:56Huh?
01:57Yes, ma'am.
01:58Yes, ma'am.
01:59Yes, ma'am.
02:00Yes, ma'am.
02:01Careful not to work the boy too.
02:02Yeah, but now.
02:03Yes, ma'am.
02:04careful not to work the boy too.
02:09Yes, ma'am.
02:10Yes, ma'am.
02:11ì¹´, wow.
02:12Yes, ma'am.
02:13Oh, my God.
02:14For years you have hoped he will come home hard.
02:19Hoped hard he will come home.
02:21Yes.
02:22Hard.
02:23Stop saying hard.
02:25You are a pure and pious man, brother.
02:28Jacob, hurry along.
02:29Make sure there's enough wood on the fire.
02:30Yes, ma'am.
02:31Hard nonsense.
02:35We need all the wood we can get.
02:37There's hardly any heat coming off this at all.
02:41Let me check to see if the cake is ready.
02:43Mrs Wimbledgate!
02:48We're almost ready, Mum.
02:50Margaret!
02:50Yes, ma'am?
02:51Hurry and get that tea on the stove, girl.
02:53Sorry, Mrs Wimbledgate.
02:55Let me help you, Miss Margaret.
02:57You do look a picture today.
03:01Everything must be just so for Roger's arrival.
03:18Coughs!
03:19Oh.
03:20Don't say coughs.
03:21Just cough!
03:22Your goulashes.
03:25Now, Dr Smith insists to eat every mouthful of your food, brother.
03:30This beef is tough as old boots.
03:33Oh, it must be Roger.
03:35Already?
03:36And here's me with my hair all a mess.
03:40Mrs Wimbledgate, where are my rain boots?
03:43Your goulashes.
03:47Roger and I will want to take a walk around the grounds.
03:52It's just like we used to.
03:54Roger!
03:54Roger!
04:08Mother, I have returned.
04:14Bravo!
04:15You were a boy when you left, but now I see a man before me.
04:23It's good to see you, Mother.
04:25I've missed you all so very much.
04:27Except for that manure boy.
04:29Ah, there he is.
04:32I'm sorry about my appearance, sir.
04:35Yes, well, it is foul.
04:37Take my bag inside, you peasant.
04:39Welcome back, young sir.
04:42I heard tales of your great skill.
04:45You are revolting.
04:47Well, if that's all, sir, I must be going.
04:50This manure won't eat itself.
04:53Begone.
04:54There.
04:55All finished.
04:57Salutations, Uncle.
04:58Ah!
04:59My favourite nephew!
05:00But how pale you look.
05:02He fell yesterday walking Monty.
05:05Ah, hello, Monty.
05:06He needs a second helping to get his strength up.
05:16The cake.
05:17Sit, Roger.
05:19We must celebrate your safe return.
05:21Thank you, Mother.
05:22Oh, Mrs Wimbledgate.
05:25This looks exquisite.
05:27There.
05:28Second helping finished.
05:30Now, no more.
05:32You're not finished till you've had a big mouthful of cake.
05:35Well, I do love cake.
05:38Open wide.
05:40Oh!
05:43Mother, tell me.
05:44Where is my fiancée?
05:46Where is...
05:48Susan?
05:54I was pausing.
05:56Why, Susan?
05:57Susan?
05:59What?
06:00Edward, will you give us a reading from the Bible?
06:04Summer once again.
06:06Robert Grove rehearsal diary.
06:09The cast are terrible.
06:11Forever and ever.
06:14Amen.
06:19Mother!
06:19I will not be distracted.
06:21Where is Susan?
06:23Oh, Roger.
06:23I think you'd better speak to Dr. Smith.
06:34For God's sake, I've 28 mistakes.
06:36Right.
06:37We'll go again.
06:38What?
06:39We'll go again.
06:40From the top?
06:40Yeah, none of that happened.
06:41No, reset.
06:43I can't go back.
06:44I'm the director.
06:45We'll go again.
06:45It's ridiculous.
06:46Reset the car.
06:47My apologies, ladies and gentlemen.
06:50It's not a real car.
06:52My apologies, ladies and gentlemen.
06:54But I'm sure you'll all agree that scene was not perfect, particularly Chris's performance.
06:58So we're going to go back from the top, although we will have to get a move on.
07:02Is everyone ready?
07:04Perfect.
07:05Perfect.
07:05The stage is set.
07:08The actors are prepared.
07:09Prepared.
07:10Sorry.
07:11I am under a lot of pressure.
07:13Pressure.
07:14Please enjoy.
07:15Summer once again.
07:18Again.
07:25Where are the actors?
07:26I feel I've lived through this moment so many times before.
07:37So often have I dreamt of Roger's return to Northwood Manor.
07:41They say war changes a man's sister.
07:44Do you think I'll recognize him, Edward?
07:46He's Roger.
07:47Of course you'll recognize your son.
07:49For years you have hoped.
07:54Hard.
07:55He will come home hard.
07:59You are a pure and pious man, brother.
08:03Jacob, hurry along.
08:04Make sure there's enough wood on the fire.
08:06Yes, ma'am.
08:12Careful not to get the boy too hard.
08:16Nonsense.
08:18We need all the wood we can get.
08:21There's hardly any heat coming off this at all.
08:24Tide, that's hot.
08:26I'll just, uh, check to see if the cake is ready.
08:32Mrs. Wimblegate?
08:36We're almost ready, ma'am.
08:38Margaret!
08:39Yes, ma'am?
08:40Hurry and get that tea on the stove, girl.
08:43Sorry, Mrs. Wimblegate.
08:44Let me help you, Miss Margaret.
08:46No, no, no, no, no.
08:46No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:48Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:53The cake is a tree.
08:53Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:54Ah!
08:57You do look a picture today.
09:00Oh.
09:00everything must be just so for roger's arrival
09:18don't say coughs this time
09:26oh your goulashes thank you now dr. smith insists you eat every mouthful of your food brother
09:38this beef is tough as old boots oh it must be roger already and here's me with my hair all a mess
09:45Mrs. Wimbledgate where are my rain your galoshes thank you roger and I will we'll want to take a walk
10:04want to take a walk around the grounds just like used to roger
10:34mother I have returned thank you you were a boy when you left but now I now I see a man before me
10:53it's good to see your mother I've missed you all so very much except for that ugly destitute and
11:00syphilitic manure boy ah there he is I'm sorry about my appearance and smell small manhood
11:13which I oft expose in the town so you should be take my bag inside you peasant
11:25welcome back young sir oh manure boy you're so weak what have you put in there nothing you're just
11:33weak well if that's all sir I must be going this manure won't eat itself before you go do tell me
11:41one more thing I have a bowel condition yes you do probably from eating all that manure be gone
11:51that scene is really working now salutations uncle ah my favorite nephew but how pale you look he fell
12:00yesterday walking Monty ah hello Monty he needs a second helping to help get his strength up
12:09whoa the cake mom come sit roger we must celebrate your safe return thank you mother oh
12:25oh Mrs. Wimbledgate this looks exquisite second helping finished no no more you're not finished until
12:40you've had a big mouthful of cake well I do love cake open wide
12:49mother tell me where is my fiance where he is
12:55sorry is it my life no I'm pausing I'm but where's Susan Susan Edward will you give us a reading
13:09ahem rehearsals day seven the play is not improving maybe mother was right maybe I am all talk and no
13:18trousers forever and ever amen all right stop there and again from the top
13:25oh no no we'll go again I'm so sorry ladies and gentlemen now that happened reset your minds and
13:33please enjoy summer once again again again
13:37oh for goodness sake
13:55i feel i've lived through this moment so many times before so often have i dreamt of roger's return to
14:01northwood manor they say war changes a man sister do you think i'll recognize him edward he's recognized
14:07of course you're roger your son for years you have hoped hard he will come home not hard you are a pure and
14:20pious man brother three pages early jaco hurry along make sure there's enough wood on the fire yes ma'am
14:33careful not to work the work to work careful not to hard the work too hard careful not to get the two
14:41work meant too hard but we need all the wood we can get there's hardly anything
14:59i'm just uh check to see if the cake is ready this is wimbledgate
15:03we're almost ready ma'am margaret yes ma'am hurry get that tea on the stove girl
15:17mrs wobblegate let me help you with that miss margaret
15:26you do look a picture today thank you
15:33oh
15:47everything must be just so for roger's arrival
15:53if you say coughs this time i'll hit you
16:06your ghou lashes
16:10thank you
16:12now dr smith insists you eat every mouthful of your food brother
16:23this beef is tough as old boots
16:36so it must be roger already and here's me with my hair all a mess
16:41mrs wimbledgate where are my rain boots your galoshes
16:46yes thank you
16:58oh i see what i've done
17:08roger
17:16oh
17:30Mother, I have returned.
17:46Bravo!
17:47Not yet.
17:48Mother, I have returned.
17:50Bravo!
17:51Bravo!
17:52Turn it off!
17:53Turn it off!
17:54Turn it off!
17:55You were a boy when you left, but now I see a man before you.
18:17It's good to see you, Mother.
18:20I've missed you all so very much, except for that manure boy.
18:25Oh, there he is.
18:28I'm sorry about my appearance, sir.
18:33Take my bag inside.
18:41Well, if that's all, sir, I must be going.
18:46But it looks as though someone's beaten me to my supper this evening.
18:52Begun!
18:55There.
18:56All finished.
18:57Salutations, Uncle.
18:58Oh!
18:59My favourite nephew!
19:01But how pale you look.
19:03He fell yesterday, walking Monty.
19:06Ah, hello, Monty.
19:10He needs a second helping to get his strength up.
19:13Uh-uh.
19:22The cake, Mum.
19:23Mum.
19:24Sit, Roger.
19:25We must celebrate your safe return.
19:28Thank you, Mother.
19:29Ah!
19:30Mrs. Wimbledgate, this looks exquisite.
19:33Mum.
19:34Ah!
19:35Ah!
19:36Mrs. Wimbledgate, this looks exquisite.
19:37Mum.
19:38Ah!
19:39Ah!
19:40Ah!
19:41Ah!
19:42Ah!
19:43Ah!
19:44Ah!
19:45Ah!
19:46Ah!
19:47Ah!
19:48Ah!
19:49Ah!
19:50Ah!
19:50Ah!
19:51Ah!
19:52You're not finished until you've had a big mouthful of cake.
19:55Well, I do love cake.
19:58Open wide.
19:59Ah!
20:00Ah!
20:01Ah!
20:02Mother.
20:03Mother.
20:04Tell me.
20:05Where is my fiancé?
20:06Where he is?
20:12What was her name?
20:13Susan!
20:14Susan!
20:15Forget the name.
20:16Susan!
20:17Edward, will you give us a reading?
20:21Lost my notebook.
20:23Making do with Dennis's prop Bible.
20:26Heard back from Dench.
20:28Unavailable.
20:30Annie remains.
20:31Last night was a night to remember.
20:35Another spanking for Mother.
20:40Right.
20:41That was worse.
20:42We have to move on.
20:43We have six minutes to finish the whole play.
20:45No!
20:46No, no, no, no!
20:48And the doctor, we don't have time.
20:50Susan died while I was away.
20:52I'll tie for you.
20:53It doesn't matter.
20:54Close the house.
20:55See you in three.
20:56Morning, Jacob.
20:57Morning, sir.
20:58I have noticed since you've turned, you carry with you such a quiet dignity.
21:02Grief makes solemn parts of us all.
21:03Sir, would you like to while away an hour at the chess board like we used to?
21:06Thank you, young Jacob.
21:07That may ease my pain.
21:08There is nothing more calming than an aspect of the company of these five bishops and knights.
21:11I have missed our games in your absence.
21:12Good move, Jacob.
21:13Chess is a game where you must never rush your turn.
21:15I shall ponder my repost at length while listening to the birds in the orchard.
21:19Done.
21:20You always think strategically.
21:21Always five moves ahead.
21:22Your strategy comes naturally to you, Jacob.
21:23This is not.
21:24One must take whatever advantage is presented.
21:25You've certainly taken advantage if you're not.
21:26Bishop takes pawn.
21:27What are you getting at?
21:28Susan writes me of you.
21:29Bishop takes knight.
21:30The truth is, you fell ill while you were away at the front.
21:31I gave her comfort in your absence, as any man would.
21:33And yes, we grew close.
21:34Check.
21:35Block.
21:36Block.
21:37Who are you to pass judgment?
21:38You never loved her as I could, Roger.
21:39Checkmate.
21:43The days grow longer.
21:44It's as if the world has grown to a halt.
21:46Well, it must make the days more exciting to have a man love you so.
21:49Love me?
21:50Oh, yes.
21:51I've seen the long lingering looks Master Jacob gives you.
21:54Mrs Wimbledgate would not approve.
21:56One cannot live one's life scared of what others may think.
21:59Come, play us something soothing and gentle for these endless afternoons.
22:12I made you this.
22:13Do you feel that chill in the wind, ma'am?
22:16Oh, yes.
22:17Summer is drifting away.
22:18Soon it will be autumn.
22:19It's time for the harvest celebration.
22:24Mrs Wimbledgate, please bring me another blanket.
22:43When will my nephew return for the war?
22:45I'm back, Uncle.
22:46Do you not remember?
22:47Oh, yes, of course.
22:48Silly me.
22:49He's growing weak.
22:50Eat your supper.
22:51Plenty of water.
22:52No.
22:53The doctor says he won't survive the night.
22:57He lives another day.
23:01I say you're fit and strong, Uncle.
23:03Never mind what the doctor says.
23:04Listen to Ted of his breath and tell me if you hear a single falter.
23:08A man of sound body and mind.
23:10Coughs.
23:11Fetch the doctor.
23:12There's no time.
23:13Get out.
23:14Please bring Monty to me.
23:15I want one more time to feel his tiny little...
23:20What are you doing?
23:21Pause.
23:23No, brother.
23:24Don't leave me.
23:25Please, Margaret.
23:26Read me a psalm.
23:27Of course.
23:28The Lord is my shepherd.
23:29I shall not want.
23:30He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
23:32He leadeth me beside the still waters.
23:34He restoreth my soul.
23:35He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness through his name.
23:37Say yea, thou walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
23:39There'll be no evil.
23:40For thou art with me, thy rob and thy staff.
23:41They cook with me, thy prepares to table.
23:42Perform me in the presence of mine enemies.
23:43Show me goodness and mercy to follow me all the days of my life.
23:45And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
23:46Amen.
23:47Amen.
23:50Good. He's dead. Winter.
23:56Manure boy.
24:00Manure boy.
24:01Morning.
24:02Over these months as my uncle died, you seem somewhat quiet.
24:03Well, my bowel has decayed.
24:04Of course it has.
24:05And I'd come to care so deeply for your uncle.
24:06When you're old boy, you look so thin, so pale, so ghoulish.
24:08Not goulash.
24:09When you're old boy, you're so disgusting, I never asked your name.
24:11What is it?
24:12Gavroche.
24:13Go away!
24:14I feel closer to you now.
24:15Perhaps we might share our grief together.
24:17Right, and now there's this whole long scene where we discuss our predicaments.
24:20And after many years of feeling animosity, we realize that actually we're very similar.
24:24Then Gavroche dies of typhoid.
24:25And that's the end of that.
24:26Scene five.
24:27No time.
24:28Margaret and I realize we're reading the same book.
24:30And we meet for dinner by the lake in secret.
24:32That happens.
24:33Dinner finishes.
24:34That love scene would be pre-recorded.
24:35Play that.
24:36Right, good.
24:37Oh, my soul is racked with shame.
24:40This baby will have no future.
24:41Because she's a peasant, baby.
24:42What?
24:43Baby, baby, baby!
24:44Oh, look, it's beautiful.
24:45You have your father's eyes.
24:46This baby brings shame onto Northwood Manor!
24:48I can't move with Margaret, so I send her away.
24:49Farewell, my love.
24:50Yep.
24:51I will write you every day.
24:52Fine.
24:53Circumstance drives us apart.
24:54The love knows not the bound of class or creed.
24:55Perhaps in another age, in another life, in another world, we could have been together.
25:00Why not?
25:01Many years pass.
25:02Eventually, the boy grows up, comes back to see me, but there's no time for that.
25:03We reconnect.
25:04I give him 10 shillings because he's poor, and then we meet back up every year, but then
25:07one year, he doesn't come, and it turns out it's because he's died of typhoid.
25:11I feel remorse, so I go on a religious pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
25:14That's a really long sequence where I meet a wise priest, but there's no time for
25:19you to come.
25:20I feel remorse, so I go on a religious pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
25:24That's a really long sequence where I meet a wise priest, but there's no time for
25:33that.
25:34That whole sequence was supposed to happen in front of this huge tapestry of a Levantine
25:40pastoral scene, which cost a fortune, so we will show that.
25:44There it is.
25:47Months of work there.
25:50I receive a message saying my mother's ailing, so I return home.
25:53There's a sandstorm, which we'll skip.
25:55I see my mother, keep her moving.
25:58I think all things considered, it's for the best that we're not doing that.
26:02I lose an eye on a duel with Jacob, and then he finds out he has typhoid and kills himself
26:06before the typhoid kills him.
26:11In rehearsal, that was very moving.
26:13And then Mrs. Wimblegate, who was really in love with Jacob all along, kills Monty the dog.
26:17It made sense in context, something about loss.
26:22The ghost of my uncle appears to me in a dream.
26:26Though I'm gone, I'm always hard.
26:30That's not the line.
26:32Mrs. Wimblegate and I have an argument.
26:34He's gone.
26:35Your mother's estate is in ruin and now she's dead.
26:38All of that.
26:39And then as I start to succumb to my illness.
26:41Oh, I forgot that.
26:42Yes, there's a scene where you find out I have typhoid as well.
26:45That happens in the second scene.
26:46We skip that.
26:47So, imagine I was dying all along.
26:50Okay, so all through that I was dying.
26:52So there's a layer of subtext to it.
26:54Quite sad.
26:55Right.
26:56Right, what's next?
26:57Oh, yes.
26:58That's spring.
26:59Jesus!
27:00That's the spring.
27:01Okay, now.
27:02That's the stove.
27:03Put a wet cloth on that.
27:06And then as I die, I say, it will soon be summer.
27:13Once again.
27:15And that's...
27:18That's the end.
27:21Yeah, right.
27:22Now, because we've rushed, there are quite a few minutes left.
27:26Um, does anyone have any questions?
27:31No?
27:32Anyone?
27:34How many mistakes was that, Robert?
27:38Tell you what.
27:41We'll go back.
27:42We'll do the second scene with the doctor.
27:43Open the house!
27:45In all my years as a physician...
27:47No, no, sorry.
27:48My watch is slow.
27:49That is the end.
27:50There is a smoke in it.
27:51Whatever you do.
27:52Be keep up not dead to me.
27:54There is a huge amount of applause.
27:55Even though you can just task for my Guess who needs to open it with my will.
27:56Make your hope here to go out casting you an Цеmicrosoft beer brand.
27:57You'll be a champion of my will.
27:58I'll shine everywhere.
27:59Go for it.
28:00Please come to me now.
28:01I've touched and i'll see you all in the next video.
28:03Costам of the hatred文 I am a将.
28:04I have my Margaret McCabe.
28:05Let me see you in the next video.
28:07You'll make my guess.
28:08I'll get an idea but see everything?
28:09No, no, you'll see what my Chan man came in next yet.
28:10No, but I show me.
28:11God, no, you'll see who looks great at this at one time.
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