- 3 months ago
- #comedy
- #christmas
- #stageplay
#comedy #christmas #stageplay
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FunTranscript
00:00Hello, Merry Christmas, and welcome back to Play of the Week, where each week a new play
00:16is performed live in front of a studio audience here in Cornley and broadcast to the nation.
00:22I'm Chris Bean, the director, and I'm thrilled to present tonight's Christmas play.
00:29Before we begin, let's meet the...
00:31Chris, yes, what noise does a reindeer make?
00:33Clearly a matter for rehearsals, Dennis.
00:36Before we begin, let's meet the star of the show.
00:40Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Father Christmas.
00:47Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas.
00:50I've come all the way from Lapland with my favourite two elves, Nissel and Nossel.
00:59We've got just enough time before the main event to meet some children from the local area.
01:10All right, so who have we got?
01:12Right, um, Grace.
01:15Grace, right, what would you like for Christmas, Grace?
01:17I'm not Grace.
01:18Why are you looking at me, then?
01:19Don't make eye contact if you're not Grace.
01:22Who's Grace?
01:23Right, okay.
01:23What do you want for Christmas?
01:24An Xbox.
01:26An Xbox?
01:27Are you sure that's the gift you prearranged with the producers?
01:32Yes.
01:33Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
01:37I think the producers agreed there was a 15-pound limit,
01:41and you'd be getting a copy of Robert Groves' Anything You Can Act, I Can Act Louder.
01:47Now, with diagrams.
01:51And it's even signed by the author, you see?
01:54To Grace.
01:55That says great.
01:56So, sorry, let's fix that, shall we?
02:01There we are.
02:03Now, it says ungrateful.
02:05Right, let's do another.
02:08What do you want for Christmas?
02:09PlayStation.
02:10All right, no games consoles.
02:12That's not the budget we're working with.
02:15Have an acting book.
02:17Right, what would you like for Christmas, little girl?
02:20I'm a boy.
02:21Oh, who chose these?
02:22All right, that's clearly enough of that.
02:25Let's get on with the show.
02:27The actors are prepared.
02:29The stage is set.
02:31Please enjoy the spirit of Christmas.
02:36Dreadful section.
02:37LAUGHTER
02:38APPLAUSE
02:40One Christmas Eve not long ago,
02:56a sweet little girl built a man out of snow.
03:00She sighed as she played in the cold winter air,
03:03for she had some worries she needed to share.
03:06Hello, Mr Snowman.
03:07You're going to be my best friend.
03:10And I won't say that again!
03:21What do you want me to do, Maud?
03:22I've been running errands all day for you,
03:24picking up all the food.
03:26It's 8 o'clock and I've still got to prepare all this for tomorrow.
03:28Fine.
03:29What can I do to help?
03:30Cut up these chicken breasts, will you?
03:35Try not to make a mess of it.
03:36See, you've got the cheap sausages.
03:53Daddy, can we do a cracker?
03:55Of course we can.
03:56The crackers are for tomorrow.
03:57Maud, just let her pull a cracker.
03:59It's Christmas Eve, for goodness' sake!
04:08Whoa!
04:11Why don't you decorate the tree?
04:13Who can we?
04:14I'll do the baubles,
04:16and you can do the tinsel.
04:18Oh!
04:18Me...
04:19Make sure you spread it out evenly.
04:27I don't want it looking silly.
04:29No, where's the...
04:30Where's the star?
04:32Oh, I can't see it.
04:34What?
04:34You've lost my grandmother's star?
04:36I haven't lost it,
04:37I just can't find it!
04:38I can't trust you with anything, can I?
04:40You know what?
04:41I think I need some air.
04:50When is Daddy coming back?
04:51I don't know, darling.
04:53Can I sleep downstairs tonight
04:54so I can wish him a happy Christmas when he comes home?
04:57Of course you can, sweetheart.
04:58And I'll put out some sherry for Santa.
05:00Hmm.
05:01Dear Santa, can you help me?
05:11I am feeling sad today.
05:14I've been good, I've been kind, I've been helpful.
05:17But my cheer has gone away.
05:22Dear Santa, can you help me?
05:25I don't know what to do.
05:27If I promise to be better,
05:31Would you make my wish come true?
05:35I don't want to ride a reindeer
05:38Or a sunny holiday.
05:41I don't want a Christmas party
05:44Or a present from your sleigh.
05:49Dear Santa, can you help me?
05:52I'm feeling oh so blue.
05:55Do you, Santa, do you, Santa, do you, Santa?
05:58Would you make my wish come true?
06:03Oh!
06:16Away went Belle's letter high up in the sky.
06:19She just had to wait now for Santa's reply.
06:22Could he have the answer?
06:25Could this do the trick?
06:27Belle put her trust in kindly St Nick.
06:31She lay down her head,
06:33Her heart full of care,
06:35Dreaming that Santa would answer her prayer.
06:38Ho! Ho!
06:40Ah!
06:42Come on, come on!
06:43Ah, come on.
06:46My sack's caught in the flue.
06:47You can't say that.
06:48Of course I can.
06:49It's a literal sack.
06:50I'm not talking about my balls, am I?
06:55Ah!
06:56Okay, now my actual sack is caught.
07:00Robert?
07:01Huh?
07:02Robert, be careful.
07:03Be careful.
07:03What are you doing?
07:04What?
07:04Ah!
07:04Ah!
07:05Ah!
07:05Ah!
07:06Ah!
07:06Ah!
07:06Ah!
07:07Ah!
07:07Ah!
07:08Ah!
07:08Ah!
07:09Ah!
07:09Ah!
07:10Ah!
07:10Ah!
07:11Ah!
07:11Ah!
07:12Ah!
07:13Ah!
07:14Ah!
07:15Ah!
07:16Ah!
07:17Ah!
07:18Ah!
07:19Ah!
07:19Ah!
07:20Ah!
07:21Ah!
07:21Ah!
07:22Ah!
07:22Ah!
07:23Ah!
07:23Ah!
07:24Ah!
07:25Ah!
07:26Ah!
07:27Ah!
07:28Ah!
07:29Ah!
07:30Ah!
07:31Ah!
07:32Ah!
07:33Ah!
07:34Ah!
07:35Ah!
07:36Ah!
07:37Ah!
07:38Ah!
07:39Ah!
07:40Ah!
07:41Ah!
07:42Ah!
07:43Ah!
07:44Ah!
07:45Ah!
07:46Ah!
07:47Ah!
07:48Dear one
07:54That's right, I received your letter bill and it moved me greatly are you sad bill?
08:03Bell said
08:06What are you doing?
08:09Do not participate
08:14Unbelievable
08:16So dreadfully low I just won't do but don't worry cuz I brought my two elves to come and help you come along this off
08:30And here I come
08:35I'm coming
08:37I'm on my way
08:46I shall remain
08:49And this is the nozzle of the happiest to L2 elves in all of land
08:53Oh
08:55That's because we're the closest of friends and wherever you see nizzle, you're sure to see nozzle
09:06We're nizzle and nozzle
09:07The closest of friends
09:09When we're both together
09:11The fun never ends
09:13If I'm feeling rotten
09:15Never despair
09:17Cause nozzle will lift me up in the air
09:25When nizzle goes
09:27Nizzle goes
09:29And when nizzle goes
09:31Nizzle goes
09:33And when nizzle goes
09:35Nizzle goes
09:37Oh
09:39Hey!
09:41Oh!
09:43Oh!
09:44No!
09:44No!
09:45No!
09:46No!
09:47No!
09:48No!
09:49No!
09:50No!
09:51No!
09:52No!
09:53Well, that was good.
09:57Ah, Bill, I see you've left me some sherry.
10:00How delightful.
10:02Oh.
10:03Urgh.
10:06It's real sherry.
10:08And some mince pies.
10:10Delicious.
10:16Delicious.
10:17But, Bill, you said in your letter you don't feel the spirit of Christmas this year.
10:21That's right, Santo.
10:22Oh, well, this is serious.
10:25Why don't you both have a mince pie and I'll have another nip of sherry
10:29and we'll solve our troubles together.
10:31Yes, we will.
10:34Just another nip.
10:41Just a couple more nips.
10:43Just a couple more nips.
10:45Just a lot of nips.
10:46Are you really going to help me, Santo?
10:49Let me just work out something else by complication here.
10:51I...
10:51Oh, no, no, stop it.
10:54Stop.
10:55No, no, no, no.
10:56Come on.
10:57Stop it.
10:57It's not from the way.
10:58Just get in.
11:05There really was too many nips.
11:09Santo?
11:10Yes. Well, in difficult times, what you need is a magifastic, vagical friend. A fanfastic, magiful, a fantastic vaginal friend.
11:22Friend. Friend. Perhaps an old friend of mine can be a new friend of yours.
11:29Friend. When you're feeling blue, when you're all alone, when you don't know what to do, and you're on your own, all you need is a good friend, a brand new Christmas chum.
11:53Friend. He'll get you smiling and singing, and stop you feeling glumny. Ho, ho, ho. He, he, he. Let's all be merry and gay. He, he, he. Ho, ho, ho. A new friend's on his way. Ho, ho, ho.
12:16Ho, ho, ho. He, he, he. Let's all be merry and gay, everybody. He, he, he. Ho, ho, ho. A new friend. No, what? No. Wait. Oh, no, you missed it now.
12:34That's the end, you see. Right now. Right now, we're going to do it. We're doing it. On his way. Three, four. On his way.
12:43Terrible. Absolutely terrible. Again. On his way. No, it's a D-flat. On his way.
13:00We'll call it there. Don't patronise me.
13:05Right. Let's meet a new friend.
13:12All right, stand back, everyone. Get ready to see some magic.
13:26Hello, Santa.
13:43Hello, Mr Snowman. Merry Christmas, my old friend.
13:47Well, if you've called on me, that must mean someone's lost their Christmas cheer.
13:52That's right. Come inside and meet Belle. I'll have to be careful I don't melt.
13:56Oh, get over yourself.
14:11Hello, Belle. Hello, Mr Snowman. It's very nice to meet you.
14:15I'm going to be your new best friend. Give me a hug.
14:19Yay!
14:29We're going to have so much fun. We can play together. Every day's an adventure in the snow.
14:37This is not your best work, Chris.
14:41I'm always happy to make a new friend.
14:43There we go, Belle. Don't you feel better now?
14:46Yes. Thank you, Santa. Much, much better.
14:52Don't cry. Us elves don't like it when people cry.
14:56I can't bear to look.
14:58I'm sorry. It seems like nothing can bring back my Christmas cheer.
15:07Sometimes everyone feels sad. Denise left me.
15:15I've never gotten over that.
15:18I'm sure I can cheer Belle up, Santa.
15:20Most of the time I'm fine and then...
15:24Bam!
15:26It hits you.
15:30I'm always happy.
15:32Why? You're essentially enslaved.
15:35Why don't we take a look at what gifts Santa's brought
15:39and see what there is for you.
15:40Can... can we... can we help you?
16:01No! No, it's fine. Got it.
16:04I've practiced this.
16:10There! There!
16:20It's a new doll!
16:25Aw, thank you, Mr Snowman.
16:28It says on my list that dolls aren't Belle's favourite toy.
16:32This calls for the toy machine.
16:34Of course! We can make it appear by magic, can't we, Nostle?
16:37Ready, Nostle?
16:38I think I'm running out of air!
16:41That's right!
16:49Ready, Nostle?
16:50Ready!
16:51Here we go!
16:52Here we go!
16:53Here we go!
16:54Here we go!
16:55Three!
16:56Two!
16:57One!
16:59Ah!
17:00Wow!
17:02This is the magical toy machine!
17:05It can make anything you can dream of!
17:07Any toy!
17:08This is the magical toy machine.
17:19It can make anything you can dream of. Any toy imaginable.
17:23Not rude stuff, obviously.
17:25Tell me, Belle, what are your favourite things in the world?
17:30Unicorns!
17:32I think we can manage that, can't we, Nostle?
17:35My legs are numb!
17:38No, no, no, no!
17:41And here we go.
17:55Here we are!
17:57One unicorn.
18:08Oh, he's beautiful.
18:12And it's time for us to be on our way.
18:15Of course, lots more toys to be delivered.
18:18But look, Santa, Belle's still crying.
18:22What is it now? What a train!
18:26Christmas is hard for all of us, you know.
18:28Where are my gifts?
18:30Think about that.
18:33What's wrong, Belle?
18:34Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you.
18:37I love my new friend and my new doll and my new unicorn, but I just still don't feel very happy.
18:45Something else must be wrong!
18:46Something else must be wrong!
18:47Something else must be wrong!
18:48Come on, guys!
18:49Switch on!
18:50Belle!
18:51What's all that noise?
18:52It's Mummy!
18:53Hide!
18:54Quickly!
18:55Behind the curtains!
18:56Bell!
18:57Are you awake, darling?
19:18Sleep well, sweetheart.
19:24Well, sweetheart.
19:40What?
19:42When you're coming back, it's gone ten.
19:44What do you mean you're not?
19:45It's Christmas Eve and we're all alone.
19:49Bell's counting on you.
19:51I'm counting on you.
19:55Merry Christmas, Bell.
19:59Now I know why you're so sad.
20:02Oh, Bell.
20:03Family is the most important thing in the world.
20:06Especially at Christmas.
20:11I'm a snowy old snowman
20:13With carrot nose and tweak hands
20:16But I cannot deny that I adore
20:21I am fats
20:25Have family by the fire
20:26It's all that I require
20:28Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
20:30for
20:32every snow
20:33there is a tiny piece of paper
20:36every dust of wind
20:39the bread from winter
20:40is all
20:41dust all my kids are being
20:45without your feet power
20:47and you
20:48and I know
20:50you'll make me come home
20:52but I'm a snowy old
20:54now
20:55I'm a snowy old man
20:57I know I need to see the picture
21:00for
21:01for we need to see the winter moon
21:09did you enjoy that Belle?
21:22not even that lifted my spirit
21:25lifted mine
21:27do your parents fight a lot Belle?
21:31my mummy and daddy fight all the time
21:34and the truth comes out
21:36I don't want presents
21:38or even friends
21:39all I want is for my parents
21:42to be happy
21:43it is not all always says
21:45I'm horribly burned
21:47I just don't know what else we could try
21:52my buttons are made of biscuits
21:53we could all eat those
21:56thank you Mr Snowman
21:58did that taste good?
22:24yes
22:28didn't make you happy though
22:31did it?
22:33I'm afraid not
22:34Nissel
22:34of course it didn't
22:35she just ate a plastic button
22:37off his pants
22:37oh Santa
22:40remember we still have presents to deliver tonight
22:44all over the world
22:45yeah sorry Belle
22:46nipples right
22:47we have to go
22:48come on Nissel
22:50we must return to the chimney
22:52you're already in the chimney
22:54you fool
22:55sleighs in the garden anyway
22:57none of this play makes sense
22:59I shall return to the snow
23:02this is not your best work Chris
23:05Santa
23:08it's time to leave
23:10goodbye Belle
23:11Merry Christmas
23:12oh Santa
23:19now you look sad
23:21I've never failed to bring Christmas cheer to a little one before
23:24it's a sad sad Christmas
23:25and we've never known the magical toy machine not to walk
23:29what a car crash
23:30but
23:31Santa
23:32look
23:33sleep tight Belle
23:44Laurence
23:46look what I found
23:47is that the Christmas star?
23:53yes
23:53oh thank you so much Dan
23:57they must have fallen out on the garden path
24:00when I was bringing in the decorations
24:01splendid
24:06now it really feels like Christmas
24:09mummy
24:11daddy
24:13oh sorry Belle
24:14I didn't mean to wake you
24:16have you stopped fighting?
24:18yes Belle
24:18yes we have
24:20I'm sorry I lost my temper
24:24I thought you were fighting because of me
24:26of course not sweetheart
24:28I'm sorry for arguing with you darling
24:30Christmas isn't a time for fighting
24:36it's a time for love
24:38kindness
24:39and understanding
24:40you stupid man
24:41I hope you have a bad Christmas
24:43oh Santa
24:45look how happy Belle is now
24:48perhaps we weren't needed here after all
24:50all she needed was the love of the mother
24:53and the
24:53oh this is saccharine crap
24:55give it six months
24:58he'll be living in his car like I am
25:00don't feel bad
25:04it's a Honda Civic
25:04right
25:05have time for bed I think
25:07or Santa won't come
25:09I'm already here you idiot
25:11shh
25:12shh
25:13merry Christmas Belle
25:17oh thank you Santa
25:24thank you Belle
25:25let's have another one of those cherries
25:27no no I don't think that I should
25:29I'm only a little girl
25:30you're 26
25:31I've learned that at Christmas I don't need presents and toys as long as I have my family
25:46in my heart I know I'll be happy. Have you learned anything tonight Santa?
25:52Not really. Nothing. No, I'll tell you one thing I have learned. Christmas, ultimately,
25:58today, commercial holiday. Who's the real winner of Christmas? I'll tell you who, Amazon.
26:07They have drones now. Tiny little dystopian sleighs delivering iPads and headphones. I ordered a
26:16toaster. It was on the doorstep five hours later. Do we need that? It was $4.99 for a toaster.
26:27I mean, someone's being exploited there, aren't they? Santa, I think we should...
26:32I know, I know.
26:37I expect you're all going to write in, aren't you? Typical BBC audience. Nothing better to
26:42do than sit around complaining about my conduct. Well, this time just leave it, alright? Leave
26:47it. Don't cut away.
26:49We've had enough complaints this series. No-one even reads them anymore. Do you know what we
26:57do with them? We burn them in a massive weekly bonfire in the car park, which ironically generates
27:03a lot of complaints. Santa, I think we should go.
27:07Oh, yes. Walk away. Just like Denise.
27:09Oh!
27:10Oh!
27:11Oh!
27:12Oh!
27:13Oh!
27:14Oh!
27:15Oh!
27:16Oh!
27:17Oh!
27:18Oh!
27:19Oh!
27:20Oh!
27:21Oh!
27:22Oh!
27:23Oh!
27:24Oh!
27:25Oh!
27:26Oh!
27:27Oh!
27:28Oh!
27:29Oh!
27:30Oh!
27:31Oh!
27:32Oh!
27:33Oh!
27:34Oh!
27:35Oh!
27:36Oh!
27:37Oh!
27:38Oh!
27:39Oh!
27:40Oh!
27:41Oh!
27:42Oh!
27:43Oh!
27:44Oh!
27:45Oh!
27:46Oh!
27:47Oh!
27:48Oh!
27:49Oh!
27:50Oh!
27:51Oh!
27:52Oh!
27:53Oh!
27:54Oh!
27:55Oh!
27:56Oh!
27:57Oh!
27:58Oh!
27:59All a good night!
28:08Belle's family were reunited.
28:11They were full of festive cheer.
28:14All looking forward to a happy new year.
28:23And for that happy new year, on Friday the 3rd of Jan,
28:26a new series of The Goes Wrong Show starts at 8.30.
28:30Bradley and Holly are here tomorrow,
28:32which means that it's only Christmas Eve on BBC One at 8.
28:36And before we know it, the much-loved Gavin and Stacey
28:38will be back on BBC One for the Christmas Day special,
28:42occurring at 8.30.
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