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00:00Hi, I'm nine-time Pulitzer Prize-winning news anchor and Greenbelt in Taekwondo, Douglas Digger Daily.
00:21And along with my crack team of international correspondents, we are lifting the lid on that tiny island across the pond
00:28that my grandpappy used to call home.
00:31This is Britain Today Tonight.
00:35On Britain Today Tonight, tonight, security correspondent John Donovan explores what Britain's shopkeepers are doing to help fight terror.
00:43What I'm looking at here are nine camera views. Oh my god, they're just multiplied.
00:48Sixteen camera views, this is incredible.
00:51Lifestyle correspondent Mandy Manners investigates the rise in smoking amongst women.
00:56Hi, can I get some cigarettes, please?
00:58Fuck! I'm all stressed again!
01:00I really want a cigarette right now.
01:01And on Entertainment Today Tonight, showbiz insider Mike Arminian follows a Hollywood casting director
01:07as he holds auditions for a new gay soccer movie.
01:11Can you make it look a bit less gay?
01:17Thanks for taking the time.
01:18I'm award-winning news anchor and Rear of the Year 1977, Douglas Digger Daily.
01:26First up, as the head of counterterrorism in the UK reveals they're having to investigate over 500 live cases at any one time,
01:35he reminds the public to be alert but not alarmed.
01:39And with international terrorists seeming able to attack at any time in any place,
01:44our security expert John Donovan travels to a regular London high street
01:48to find out what British shopkeepers are doing to minimize the threat of global terrorism.
01:54He filed this exclusive report.
01:59Picture the scene.
02:00You're a shopkeeper in your shop,
02:02when all of a sudden you realize the man in front of you
02:04is an international terrorist mastermind with a basket full of atrocity.
02:08I've come to Tooting High Street,
02:13a mere six miles from number 10 Downing Street,
02:17to discover just how ready Britain's shopkeepers are
02:19to observe, identify and ultimately tackle a potential terrorist on a shopping spree.
02:26Everywhere you look are tools for terror.
02:29What's this? This thing?
02:30That's a caulking gun.
02:31Looks like a weapon.
02:32What about this? What's that?
02:33That's just a shower pool switch.
02:35That's a shower pool switch.
02:36So one of those da-dang-da-dongs.
02:38Yeah.
02:38But of all the stores I visited,
02:40nothing was to prepare me for the potential terror lurking in a high street stationer.
02:47Every item in store potentially assisting a terrorist
02:50in planning and executing a real-life act of terror.
02:55Hi. How are you? John Donovan.
02:57Hi, John.
02:57Great to meet you.
02:58Great to meet you. Welcome to Game Game.
02:59Thank you very much.
03:01We are being granted unprecedented access
03:04to the back room
03:06where the security magic happens.
03:09What I'm looking at here
03:10are nine camera views.
03:13Oh my God, they're just multiplied.
03:1416 camera views.
03:15This is incredible.
03:16I can see every angle of the store.
03:19I can see the front.
03:20I can see the side front.
03:21I can see the side front back.
03:24The right side.
03:25Indeed.
03:25Which means that no one is able to do anything
03:28without Sati or the boys here
03:30knowing exactly what's going on.
03:33Shouldn't.
03:34And don't.
03:35No.
03:36Sati then explained to me
03:38why security at the stationers
03:39had been raised to this unprecedented level.
03:41So, a couple of years ago.
03:43Yes, just a couple of years ago.
03:45One of the customers.
03:46One of the customers.
03:47Just bought this one.
03:48Bought that.
03:49A couple of years ago.
03:50One customer bought that.
03:51And what happened?
03:51Next road, two doors away.
03:53Yes.
03:53He just put it onto somebody's doorway.
03:56Somebody's duvet.
03:57Somebody's doorway.
03:58In bed.
03:59He was in bed with someone.
04:00No, no, no.
04:00Not in the bed.
04:01The door.
04:01The duvet was in bed.
04:02Not in the duvet.
04:03He was in a duvet.
04:05Yeah.
04:05He was in the...
04:06No, no, no.
04:06He went outside.
04:08Outside.
04:08With the white spirit.
04:09By the door.
04:10By the door.
04:10He just pulled it...
04:11Onto the duvet.
04:11Floor and floor and just...
04:14Where was the duvet?
04:15There's no duvet.
04:19But you said a duvet.
04:20No, no, no.
04:21That was a mispronunciation somewhere.
04:23Oh, right.
04:23Sorry.
04:24That's all right.
04:25So, there was no duvet.
04:26No duvet.
04:27Right.
04:27I quite like the duvet angle.
04:29I thought maybe...
04:29You know, we could go with a duvet.
04:31I don't mind.
04:31Let's go back with a duvet.
04:32I like the image of a man
04:34wrapped in a duvet.
04:36So, covering himself in a white spirit,
04:40lighting a match...
04:41Yes.
04:41...and running down Tooting Broadway High Street...
04:43Yep.
04:44...wrapped in a flaming duvet.
04:45Why not?
04:45Let's tell that story.
04:46Yep.
04:48So, what happened once he bought the turpentine from here?
04:52Where did he go then?
04:53He went out, wrapped himself in a duvet...
04:56Yes.
04:57...poured the turpentine on him...
04:58Yes.
04:58...and the white spirit.
04:59Yes.
05:00...and put the flavour on him.
05:01And ran down Tooting Broadway...
05:03Tooting Broadway.
05:03...high street.
05:04Indeed.
05:05...on fire.
05:06In a duvet.
05:07Indeed.
05:07With every shelf of the station as fully loaded with potential weapons,
05:12we ask a freelance security expert for advice on how to deal with such a threat.
05:16Here is Roger, who is our weapons expert.
05:21Okay, so I've armed with a stapler and a pencil.
05:24Yes.
05:25What you gonna do about it, Rog?
05:27That's quite easy.
05:28I'll just do that to you.
05:29What's happened here is my wrist is almost snapping.
05:33Then he's locked me up like this.
05:35My arm is very close to being broken here.
05:37Are you paying attention here?
05:38Indeed.
05:39And I'm dropping the stapler here.
05:41The stapler's gone down.
05:42I'm completely unarmed.
05:44Can we bring in a crash map, please?
05:45Remember, folks, the additional defence techniques you're about to witness
05:49should not be attempted without a real-life terrorist present.
05:52You messed with the wrong dude, brother.
05:57And then down.
05:58That was amazing.
06:00Shit.
06:01Fucking lower back's gone.
06:03Lower back's gone.
06:05The lower back's gone.
06:06Sadi, get in here.
06:07Yeah.
06:09Okay, I'm gonna lean you back down.
06:11Okay, lean me back a little bit.
06:12Just a little.
06:13That's it, hold.
06:13No, a bit more.
06:14A bit more.
06:15That's it.
06:15That's good.
06:16Hold me there.
06:17This is John Donovan.
06:18Remember, we're on the high street, but watch out.
06:21Terror is everywhere.
06:23See you next time.
06:25Get well soon, John.
06:27We're all praying for you.
06:30For the first time in a decade,
06:32the number of young women taking up smoking in the UK has increased.
06:36Smoking amongst young men continues to decline.
06:39So why the difference?
06:41Who better to investigate than straight-talking lifestyle reporter
06:44and lifelong smoker, Mandy Manners?
06:47With this exclusive report.
06:50I'm journalist and lifestyle reporter Mandy Manners.
06:53Why is a cucumber good to put inside your body?
06:56Getting to the heart of the matter.
06:58So what happens when you eat a boiled egg?
07:00Whatever the matter.
07:01Have you ever been on a sex swing?
07:02No, I have not.
07:03I wouldn't advise it.
07:04But anyway, what's good for thrush?
07:07In Britain, every year,
07:09over 96,000 people die of smoking-related illnesses.
07:12That's more than like in war and things.
07:14And it seems that young women in particular are still taking up the habit.
07:19But why?
07:20I arranged to meet two underage smokers to find out.
07:23So, when did you girls start smoking?
07:28When I was 14.
07:29Yeah, I started when I was 11.
07:30And why do you smoke?
07:31Because it gives you a head rush.
07:33And how would you purchase the cigarettes?
07:35We got fake IDs.
07:36Right.
07:37Shopkeepers found selling cigarettes to under-18s
07:40can be fined up to £2,500.
07:42So, I've decided to do some undercover filming
07:45and attempt to purchase a packet of cigarettes
07:47while convincingly disguising myself as a 15-year-old schoolgirl.
07:52Oh, sweeties.
07:54Great.
07:55I love sweeties.
07:57Hi.
07:57Can I get some cigarettes, please?
07:59Which one?
08:00The coolest brand you have.
08:02You don't want to see any ID or anything?
08:04I don't want to see you.
08:0525?
08:0625?
08:07Not 25.
08:08I mean, look at me.
08:09I'm practically prepubescent.
08:12Fucking 25!
08:13I mean, are you fucking kidding me?
08:15I'd successfully purchased cigarettes
08:17even though I was clearly underage.
08:19It was time for the adult Mandy
08:21to confront this shopkeeper.
08:23Come on, let's go.
08:25Excuse me.
08:26Hi.
08:26You thought that I was a schoolgirl,
08:28but in fact, actually...
08:30I'm not, in fact, a schoolgirl.
08:34I'm Mandy Manners.
08:35And I just bought cigarettes without ID.
08:38I know you are the, you know, underage.
08:40You are fancy dress.
08:42What do you mean fancy dress?
08:43I'm clearly underage.
08:44I mean, look at me.
08:45If you saw me, how old would you say that I was?
08:47I'd say you was a four-year-old travestite.
08:51Having successfully demonstrated
08:52just how easy it is for underage smokers
08:55to acquire cigarettes,
08:56I'm determined to show them
08:57how easy it is to give up,
08:59which is why I've decided to do the right thing
09:01and quit the evil habit once and for all.
09:03To give myself the best chance of quitting for good,
09:06I headed to my local pharmacist
09:08to get some much-needed advice.
09:10We've got mouth sprays, nasal spray, the chewing gum.
09:13Just different ways of delivering the nicotine
09:15into your bloodstream.
09:16Do you suffer with any health problems?
09:18Not really.
09:19I mean, it's been getting a bit dry down there.
09:21Right.
09:22So, that'd be smoking related?
09:23No, probably not.
09:24No.
09:24According to experts,
09:26nicotine cravings can increase dramatically
09:28during stressful situations.
09:30So, armed with my new bottle of nicotine mouth spray,
09:33I'm putting my nicotine withdrawal symptoms
09:34to the ultimate stress test.
09:36That's right.
09:37I'm having a driving lesson.
09:39Okay.
09:40Off the gas.
09:41Clutch down.
09:42With the nicotine spray combating my withdrawal symptoms,
09:44how would I cope being behind the wheel
09:46under the supervision of my new driving instructor, Sasha?
09:49You're blocking traffic behind you.
09:51Sorry, like, I thought it was 30 miles an hour.
09:53You're doing 15.
09:54Yeah, okay.
09:55Am I going left?
09:56Turning left.
09:57Early enough for you?
09:58Hey, stop talking.
09:59I'm king here.
10:00That was kind of hot.
10:01You don't need to argue with me.
10:03I like you.
10:04Yeah, okay.
10:04I like you too, Sasha,
10:05but I'm seeing someone,
10:06so just, you know, back off.
10:08I'm married.
10:08Don't worry.
10:09I think that's the first time I've heard that.
10:10I'm married.
10:11Don't worry.
10:12I'll cough an hour later.
10:13Your cock's in my mouth.
10:14Really?
10:16With the nicotine spray really taking effect,
10:18it was the perfect time
10:20to update my followers on social media.
10:22No, no, hold on.
10:23Hi, guys.
10:24This is my daily Snapchat.
10:25Hey, what the fuck?
10:27I'm doing a fucking Snapchat.
10:28Bullshit Snapchat.
10:30You're driving.
10:30You are not allowed to hold this phone
10:31when you are driving.
10:32My followers expect to be updated
10:34for fuck's sake.
10:35As my stress levels increased,
10:37fuck, I'm all stressed again.
10:39so did my cravings for nicotine.
10:41I really want a fucking cigarette right now.
10:43Oh, my God, I love your dog.
10:44Please, can you drive?
10:45What kind of dog is it?
10:46You can't stop in the middle of the junction.
10:48Oh, my God, thanks so much.
10:50I just wanted to know
10:50what kind of dog it was.
10:52Shut up.
10:53He's fucking beeping me.
10:55Okay, sir.
10:56Yeah, yeah, shut up.
10:58Just fucking fuck it, then.
10:59Just fuck it.
11:01Fucking bullshit.
11:03Done with this.
11:05I need a fucking cigarette.
11:06So there we are.
11:08Yes, quitting smoking
11:09can be a real chore,
11:11but then so can telling
11:11your long-term boyfriend
11:12you've been having sex with his dad.
11:14This is a smoke-free Mandy Manners
11:16for Britain Today Tonight.
11:19Excuse me.
11:20Have you got a light?
11:22I'm fucking talking to you.
11:24Well, I think you'll agree
11:25that's one brave and beautiful lady.
11:28And Mandy's blog
11:29about those clearly traumatic 24 hours
11:32is now live on our website.
11:34Just go to
11:35BritainTodayTonight.com
11:37forward slash
11:38I hate facts.
11:39Coming up,
11:40showbiz reporter Mike Arminian
11:42follows an exclusive report
11:44on the casting
11:44of a new gay soccer movie.
11:46He dribbles the pair of balls
11:48towards the goal,
11:50which is transformed
11:51into a large, hairy ass.
11:55And I bring together
11:56a London black cabbie
11:57and an Uber driver
11:58to see who ends up
11:59in the driving seat.
12:01I've been in a black house
12:02and, to be honest,
12:02a bit smelly.
12:03Oh, well, that's just
12:04being silly now.
12:05That's all coming up
12:06after these messages.
12:08Stay tuned.
12:12Welcome back
12:18to Britain Today Tonight,
12:20the show the radical left
12:21would just love
12:22to alt-right delete.
12:24For over 50 years,
12:26London's famous black cabs
12:28have dominated
12:29the streets of the capital.
12:30But in the past two years,
12:32there's been a new kid
12:33on the block
12:33in the shape of Uber.
12:35And with someone
12:36taking a trip with Uber
12:38every single second of the day
12:39and paying a third less,
12:41tension between the rivals
12:43has now moved up a gear
12:45into full-on cab wars.
12:48Earlier on,
12:49I spoke to chairman
12:50of the London Black Cab Association,
12:52Grant Davis,
12:52who seemed to be feeling
12:54a little sore
12:55about the effects
12:56on his business.
13:00Davis Grant.
13:02Davis, thanks for taking the time.
13:03My pleasure, Doug.
13:04So what is it about taxi apps
13:07that you have a problem with?
13:09Well, I just think
13:11two things are wrong with Uber.
13:13They don't like regulation.
13:14And let me tell you
13:15what I mean about that.
13:17Well, you can tell us
13:18in a moment.
13:18Because we're joined now
13:20by an Uber driver.
13:22Iqbal joins us now.
13:23Iqbal, what do you make
13:24of all of this?
13:25I don't know
13:26what the gentleman's problem is.
13:28You know,
13:28he doesn't like me.
13:30Is that it?
13:31Grant,
13:31you just don't like Uber drivers.
13:33No, not at all.
13:34Listen,
13:35I don't dislike a lot of people.
13:37What I'm saying is,
13:38Uber coming to London.
13:38But you do, you know,
13:39because I always have
13:41black cab drivers
13:42always being rude to me
13:43and just trying to double park
13:45in a residential street
13:46because I got pickups.
13:48Well, no, it's because...
13:48I've seen the black cabs
13:49do some things
13:50that, you know,
13:51I can't believe the U-turn,
13:52you know,
13:52oh, oh,
13:53here come the U-turn,
13:54you know,
13:54out of the blues,
13:55you know,
13:55just out of no-west,
13:56you know,
13:56signalling,
13:57just to do U-turn.
13:58He's saying
13:59that you pull
14:00illegal manoeuvres
14:01just like him.
14:02Is that what's happening here, Grant?
14:03No, no, not at all.
14:05I mean,
14:05that's why we drive
14:06a 40,000-pound
14:07purpose-built vehicle
14:08because we can do the U-turn.
14:10No, I drive a 30,000-pound
14:12purpose-built vehicle
14:13with battery,
14:14so it's better
14:14for the environment
14:15and also it's more comfortable,
14:17you know,
14:17because I've been in a black cabs
14:19and, to be honest,
14:19it's a bit smelly.
14:20Oh, well,
14:21that's just being silly now.
14:22I mean,
14:22if you're talking
14:23about environment,
14:25have a look on the internet
14:26about how Toyota
14:27get rid of the...
14:28Sorry,
14:28I've got to stop you there.
14:30We can't make those comments
14:31because, you know,
14:32Toyota is actually
14:33one of our friends
14:34here at the network
14:35and we wouldn't want
14:36to badmouth them,
14:37you know,
14:37for your sake
14:39just because you've got
14:39a beef with Iqbal.
14:41No, I've not got a beef.
14:42I'm just saying
14:43if you're going to become
14:44a taxi driver in London,
14:46do the knowledge
14:46and become a taxi driver
14:48like me.
14:49Don't use a sat-nav.
14:51But a sat-nav...
14:51They don't even know
14:52where they're picking up from.
14:53The sat-nav is very useful,
14:55you know,
14:55because...
14:55No, they're not.
14:56Don't be silly.
14:56The good thing about a sat-nav
14:57is you put in the address
14:59that you want to go
15:00and then it tells you
15:01what address to go to
15:03and you just say
15:03please turn right
15:04and then you turn right
15:05then please turn left
15:06and then you turn left
15:07and then please go straight on
15:08and you reach your destination.
15:10You know,
15:10it's very simple.
15:11I don't know.
15:11Maybe you should use a sat-nav.
15:13My point is
15:14you double park
15:15where your hazard's on
15:16anywhere.
15:17Look for where you're picking up.
15:17Stop in the double parking,
15:19okay?
15:19What, you never double park before?
15:21No, Iqbal,
15:21I don't.
15:22I don't need to
15:23because they come out.
15:23I can't believe that.
15:24Come on.
15:24Just admit it.
15:25You double park.
15:25Well, the difference is
15:26I might double park
15:28for one or two seconds.
15:29You do double park.
15:30I've seen your double parking.
15:32Have you ever double parked?
15:34I may have
15:35in my 29 years.
15:36So that's a yes.
15:37Is that a yes?
15:38Yeah, but I...
15:38Is that a yes, Grant?
15:39Answer the question.
15:40It's a no because I...
15:41You just said yes,
15:42you can't say no now.
15:43You said yes,
15:44now you say no.
15:45No, Doug, listen.
15:45You say left,
15:46now you say right.
15:47I stopped.
15:48What's the answer here?
15:49It's no.
15:50I stopped for one or two seconds.
15:51Yeah, but you said yes already.
15:52No, there's a difference
15:53in parking and stopping.
15:55I stopped for one or two seconds.
15:55Well, park it there
15:56for a second, Grant,
15:57because we've got on the line
15:59an ex-black cab driver
16:01turned Uber driver.
16:03Really?
16:04Mike Wiley,
16:04what have you got to say
16:05about all this?
16:06Well, I'd just like to say,
16:08Grant, like,
16:08I respect you and that,
16:10but you should just
16:10get your head out of saying,
16:11you know what I mean?
16:12We're done.
16:12We're done for.
16:13What do you say to that, Grant?
16:15Listen,
16:16you ain't a cab driver, fella, yeah?
16:17Well, I'm not a cab driver
16:18no more now.
16:19Exactly.
16:20I don't even think
16:21you ever was a cab driver.
16:22Yeah, I was.
16:22You're saying Mike Wiley
16:23wasn't a cab driver?
16:25I would say Mike Wiley
16:26was a knowledge boy
16:27who probably gave up the knowledge
16:29and worked for Uber.
16:30That's what I'm saying.
16:31No, no, no,
16:32you've got the wrong
16:33head of the stick, mate.
16:34You know what I mean?
16:34I haven't.
16:35You have, mate,
16:36I'm telling you.
16:36You know what I mean?
16:36What's wrong with you?
16:37First, you're bullying
16:38old Paul Wickbell there,
16:39you know what I mean?
16:40And now you're turning
16:41on your own, mate.
16:42You know, you want to
16:42watch yourself, mate.
16:44Watch myself from who?
16:45Just from me, innit?
16:47Well, my office
16:48is in Bermondsey.
16:49Please come and see me today.
16:51Yeah, well, I might do that.
16:52No, I want you to do it.
16:54I don't want you to say it.
16:55I want you to do it, Mike.
16:56I would.
16:56I've got a couple
16:57of airport pickups.
16:58Oh, you're pathetic.
17:00Pathetic.
17:01Well, I'll say
17:01you're pathetic, mate.
17:02Iqbal, I'll give you
17:03the last word.
17:04When I think you're
17:04both pathetic,
17:05I think you should just
17:06grow up and stop acting
17:07like a couple of children.
17:09Well, you heard it
17:10from Iqbal.
17:11Grant Davis,
17:11thanks for taking the time.
17:13My pleasure, Doug.
17:17There are two major industries
17:19where being gay
17:20is treated with caution.
17:22The Hollywood film industry,
17:24recently criticized
17:25for its lack
17:26of positive gay characters,
17:28and England's
17:29premier soccer league,
17:30where not one player
17:31has come out as gay,
17:33even though statistically
17:34at least 20 of them are.
17:37Entertainment Today Tonight's
17:39Mike Arminian
17:39has this report now
17:41on a new Hollywood movie project
17:43looking to put the FAA
17:45into LGBT.
17:50Thanks, Doug.
17:51When a major studio
17:53announced that it greenlit
17:54a movie about the world's
17:55first openly gay
17:56premiership soccer player,
17:58a Hollywood stampede
17:59ensued,
17:59with every A-list actor
18:02clambering for the part
18:03that would be sure
18:04to bring them glory
18:04come Oscar time.
18:06But here's the kicker.
18:08The studio decided
18:09it wasn't looking
18:10for a familiar face.
18:12What the studio wanted
18:13was a real-life soccer player
18:14who also happened
18:15to be a terrific actor.
18:17And in order to find
18:18this person,
18:19they needed controversial
18:20casting director
18:21Pauly Adieu.
18:22The studio wants an unknown.
18:24This ad's going to add realism.
18:26I had a top three.
18:27Tom Hardy,
18:28Michael Fassbender,
18:29Benedict Cumberbatch as well.
18:31You got hard,
18:32you got cum,
18:32you got bender.
18:34It's not going to work out.
18:35Pauly agreed
18:36to let me follow him
18:37and his assistant
18:38and lover,
18:38Ceviche,
18:39to a London hotel
18:40as they began
18:41to audition
18:41amateur footballers.
18:43Hey, come in.
18:44Nice to meet you.
18:45Pauly explained
18:46exactly what the movie
18:47was about.
18:48This is called Courage.
18:49The story of Mark Courage.
18:52The world's first
18:53homosexual
18:54England football captain.
18:56I'm not gay, but...
18:57No, you don't have
18:57to tell me you're not gay.
18:58I never thought
18:59you were gay.
18:59Yeah, yeah.
19:00You know,
19:00just your hair
19:01looks a bit gay.
19:02One after the other,
19:04the amateur footballers
19:05set out to prove
19:06they can convincingly
19:07play gay.
19:09He must look
19:10like a footballer.
19:11He must act
19:12like a footballer.
19:13He must behave
19:14like a footballer
19:15whilst at the same time
19:16not looking gay
19:18in any way.
19:18How do you feel
19:19about showing me
19:20some ball skills?
19:21That's fine.
19:21To get the studio
19:22what they want,
19:23Pauly insisted
19:24the amateur soccer players
19:25avoid any Hollywood
19:26gay cliché.
19:28Just bring the gayness
19:29down a bit, okay?
19:30Okay.
19:32Can you make it
19:33look a bit less gay?
19:34As the day progressed,
19:35Yes!
19:36Woo!
19:37The casting challenge
19:38for Pauly became clear.
19:39He's gay,
19:39but he's not gay acting.
19:40Yeah, yeah.
19:41What does a straight
19:42amateur soccer player...
19:43It's a goal!
19:44Yes!
19:45Yes!
19:45...playing a gay
19:46professional soccer player...
19:47Yes!
19:47I want to go!
19:47That's good.
19:48Less gay?
19:49Less gay.
19:49...who acts like
19:50a straight professional
19:51soccer player...
19:52Yes!
19:53...actually act like...
19:54Less gay, less gay.
19:55Less gay?
19:56He's gay, but he's not.
19:57Yeah, well, I mean,
19:58you know, soccer is a bit
20:00like that, isn't it?
20:00Having auditioned
20:02all the soccer players,
20:03Pauly was particularly
20:04excited about the young
20:05amateur footballer
20:06called Dwayne
20:07and asked him to workshop
20:09the film's most ambitious
20:10scene,
20:11the graphic and surreal
20:12dream sequence,
20:13where Mark's subconscious
20:15reveals every closeted
20:16gay footballer's
20:18worst nightmare.
20:20Mark is playing football
20:21at a packed
20:22Wembley Stadium.
20:23He has possession
20:24of the ball
20:24and is dribbling it
20:25past members
20:26of the opposite team.
20:27He is suddenly aware
20:28that his football boots
20:29are made of sparkly
20:30pink material.
20:32He ignores this
20:33and keeps dribbling
20:34the ball,
20:34which is now
20:35a pair of balls.
20:38He dribbles the pair
20:39of balls
20:40towards the goal,
20:42which is transformed
20:43into a large,
20:45hairy ass.
20:47But his sparkly
20:48pink football boots
20:49have become stuck
20:50in the pitch.
20:51He begins to scream.
20:53But no sound
20:54comes out.
20:56Mark suddenly realizes
20:57he is completely naked
20:58and he covers
20:59his genitals
21:00and starts shouting
21:02at the crowd,
21:03telling them to stop,
21:04saying he's not gay.
21:06You're gay!
21:07Olé!
21:08Olé!
21:08Olé!
21:09Olé!
21:10You're gay!
21:12You're gay!
21:13You're gay!
21:13You're gay!
21:14You're gay!
21:14You're gay!
21:15You're gay!
21:16You're gay!
21:16You're gay!
21:16You're gay!
21:17You're gay!
21:17You're gay!
21:18You're gay!
21:19You're gay anymore!
21:21And rest.
21:23It was great.
21:26I loved your intensity.
21:27I loved your commitment.
21:28Great to meet you.
21:29Nice to meet you.
21:30Could footballer Dwayne
21:32help give Hollywood
21:32the gay soccer movie
21:34we've all been waiting for?
21:36Paulie seems to think so,
21:38but if he's wrong
21:39about Dwayne,
21:40maybe I could show him
21:41my ball skills
21:42on my head, son.
21:44This is Mike Arminian
21:46for Entertainment
21:46Today Tonight
21:47for Britain Today Tonight.
21:52Well, that's about
21:53all we've got time for
21:54this week.
21:55Next time on
21:55Britain Today Tonight,
21:57security correspondent
21:58John Donovan asks,
22:00what sort of suitcase
22:01would a terrorist buy?
22:03The plane is split in two.
22:05Absolute.
22:05Why?
22:06Because you bought
22:07the chape luggage.
22:08And investigative reporter
22:09Ken Kildoon
22:10goes deep undercover
22:11to find out
22:12how easy it is
22:13to persuade
22:14British athletes
22:15to dope
22:15their way to victory.
22:17I'm not going to say
22:18that you're going to
22:18wake up in the morning
22:19wear testicles
22:20the size of a couple
22:20of petit pois.
22:21All I'm saying is
22:22if it does happen,
22:23don't panic.
22:24Well, that's all
22:24we've got time for, folks.
22:26Tonight's show
22:26was brought to you
22:27in association
22:28with Grinning Cougar
22:29Denture Cream
22:30for the older lady
22:31who just can't
22:32get enough meat.
22:34I'm Dicker Daly.
22:35Thanks for taking the time.
22:37SetNav is very useful,
22:46you know,
22:46because the good thing
22:48about the SetNav
22:49is, you know,
22:50you put in the address
22:51that you want to go
22:52and then it tells you
22:54what address to go to
22:56and you just say
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22:57and then you turn right
22:59then please turn left
22:59and then you turn left
23:01then you please go straight on
23:02and you reach your destination.
23:04You know, it's very simple.
23:05I don't know,
23:05maybe you should use the SetNav.
23:07SetNav
23:10Believe it or not.
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