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00:00If You Think It's Over
00:30The Average Relationship
00:38Remember how it is at the beginning
00:40Remember how it is as you become closer
00:46and the sex becomes deeper and more meaningful
00:48Remember when she first asked you if you'd ever considered fatherhood
01:00Remember how it is at the end
01:03Oh, come on. There's got to be more in there, for God's sake
01:09I mean, look at it. Couldn't fill a thimble
01:12I mean, either it's flooding the joint or just coughing at me
01:15I mean, what is the point?
01:21Bloody building
01:22Yes, hello?
01:28Mark?
01:29Aunt Helen, sorry
01:31How are you? How was the flight?
01:33Oh, very long and very tiring
01:37I'll be coming round shortly
01:39Is that still all right?
01:41Absolutely, looking forward to it
01:42Well, I'm looking forward to finally meeting Becky
01:45Becky?
01:46Yeah
01:47Well, I'll see you shortly
01:49Bye now
01:50Oh, please
01:53Please, please, please, please
01:56Please
01:59I can't
02:00She's a very old lady with a heart condition
02:02What am I supposed to tell her?
02:04Well, I would avoid using expressions like boo
02:06Or I'm getting a divorce
02:09Oh, you could have told her by now
02:11You should have written to her
02:12Anyway, I can't
02:14I've got Tracy here
02:16Oh, right, so, uh, how is she?
02:19How do you think?
02:20She did just find her husband in a maid's outfit
02:22Being spanked by a prostitute
02:24Sorry, please
02:27Yeah, quite
02:27Tell him what he said
02:29He said he wanted to explore aspects of his sexuality
02:33She told him that was horrid and gave him a smack
02:40Unfortunately, Robert thought that was foreplay
02:43So she made him stand in the airing cupboard
02:45Which Robert also thought was foreplay
02:48Jeez
02:49Apparently she spent the entire evening
02:51Trying to find a way to tell him the relationship was at an end
02:54Without giving him an erection
02:55She must have succeeded eventually
02:58He left early this morning
03:00So where is he now?
03:01She doesn't know
03:02He was gone when she checked the airing cupboard
03:04He left a note saying he was off to find his true sexual identity
03:08So I do have to be with her, Mark
03:11Look, if you could just make an appearance here
03:13No
03:13You don't have to stay long
03:14You can say you're ill or something
03:16Bye, Mark
03:16She's got a serious heart condition
03:18Thank you, Becky
03:28Thank you very much
03:30Are you Mr. Taylor?
03:40Yes
03:40Alison Stewart, I'm your new neighbour
03:42Sorry, got a bit of a fright there
03:47I'm in serious danger of flooding the place
03:50Don't come in, you could get washed away
03:52I have some rather dodgy plumbing
03:55Have you seen a doctor?
03:58No, no, no, I meant the bath
03:59The plumbing for the bath
04:00Oh, right, I see
04:01I don't mean I've wet myself or anything
04:02Although I am pleased to meet you
04:04Right, good
04:08Well, anyway, I was told you had the spare keys to my flat
04:11Yes
04:12Yes, absolutely
04:13Come on in
04:14Sorry about that
04:16Okay, I'm fine
04:17I was just about to have a bath
04:18It's okay
04:18Very sorry
04:19It's just fine, really
04:20Please come in
04:21Just had a bit of a bad experience recently
04:25I'll get your keys
04:26They're here somewhere
04:28I was meaning to give them to the caretaker
04:30But, uh, ah, here we go
04:32Did you, uh, see in the paper a woman was raped outside the supermarket last Saturday?
04:39Well, I was nowhere near the supermarket
04:41Sorry?
04:42Oh, sorry, never mind, doesn't matter
04:43Here
04:44Thanks
04:45Have there been a lot of rapes around here?
04:48Oh, no, no, not at all
04:50I mean, I date, obviously
04:52Never mind
04:54Thanks anyway
04:55Oh, I see what you mean
04:56Bye now, bye
04:57No, no, listen, I
04:57Bye
04:58Oh, brilliant
04:59Absolutely brilliant
05:03Oh, she was gorgeous
05:05Oh, I could have eaten that woman
05:09I think that was a completely delicious woman
05:11I could have eaten her alive
05:14What do I do?
05:17I manage to tell her I'm a rapist
05:18I mean, what is my problem?
05:21I mean, why didn't I just tell her I got my wife's body stashed in the whole cabin?
05:26Oh, sorry, I thought
05:29I thought the gun was the front door
05:30I thought you were my wife
05:31Why, is she?
05:32No, no, no, it was a stupid joke, that's all
05:35Lovely to have met you
05:37Oh, well, that couldn't have been a lot worse
05:42Oh, shit, I'd given her mine
05:47Hello, yes?
05:52Mark Taylor
05:53Yes
05:54It's Alan, from Robert's office
05:56I thought I'd better warn you
05:58Rob's on his way over
05:59What?
06:00Well, he was supposed to be staying with me
06:02But he was talking all this weird stuff about finding his sexual identity
06:05I kind of kicked him out
06:07He's coming to stay here?
06:10And there's something you should know first
06:11Sorry, I can't speak now, I'll call you later
06:14Right
06:21I'm only going to give her her keys
06:24How much worse can this get?
06:27Alison?
06:30Alison, can you hear me?
06:48Alison, I gave you my spare keys
06:52There's a bit of an emergency
06:59I'm soaking my carpet
07:02Well, I mean, not personally
07:04Mr. Taylor, did you call?
07:28Mr. Preston
07:32Is this the lot?
07:34Let's see
07:34When's the van arriving?
07:38Oh, not for a while, I'm afraid the traffic's very heavy
07:40Yep, that's the lot, thanks
07:46Bye now, thanks
07:48Mr. Taylor
07:57Mr. Taylor, I heard you shouting for me
07:58May I ask what you're playing at?
08:01Mr. Taylor, I want an explanation
08:03Terrific
08:08Terrific
08:08Now I'm a naked rapist hiding in her flat
08:11Who's a rapist?
08:13Who's speaking?
08:15Shit
08:15What?
08:18Alison, are you there?
08:20Mr. Taylor, I want a word with you
08:22Would you hurry up please?
08:23I'm a little bit further for you
08:24Alison, was that you?
08:27OK, Mr. Taylor
08:38But we're going to have words
08:40Sorry, just having a spot of bother with my neighbour
08:44Seems to be a right perv
08:46What?
08:48A man's voice?
08:50Maybe you've got to cross line
08:51What sort of a weirdo would
08:54Sneak in and join in a phone call
08:57Well, anyway, I've got to go
08:59Hello?
09:03Is somebody there?
09:05Is somebody behind that door?
09:07Just a minute
09:08Hello?
09:10Hello again
09:11What are you doing?
09:14Just being neighbourly
09:16Why are you behind that door?
09:20Well, I didn't want to get in the way
09:22I've got to go
09:24I'll speak to you later, OK?
09:26All right, you get out of here right now
09:28Or I'm going to call the police
09:29Understood?
09:30There's a bit of a problem, actually
09:32Feel like explaining it to the police?
09:34Not especially
09:34I've only got to shout rape, you know
09:36They'll believe me
09:37That's entirely possible
09:38On the count of three, then
09:40Look, what is it with you?
09:41I only came here to give you your keys
09:43What?
09:44I gave you the wrong ones
09:46I gave you my spare set
09:47Oh
09:48So tell me, is it possible to have any kind of conversation with you
09:51Without being accused of being a rapist?
09:53Sorry
09:53Thank you
09:54Why are you skulking behind that door?
09:58Well, I came in and you weren't here
10:01And when you came back
10:02I...
10:04Er...
10:04You heard me on the phone calling you a pervert
10:06And you hid, yeah?
10:07Brilliant
10:08I mean, yes, exactly
10:09Well, you can come out now
10:12Yeah, er...
10:14There's one other detail
10:16I haven't quite got round to mentioning
10:17No
10:17I'm sorry if I seem kind of aggressive
10:20Or if I'm jumping to conclusions
10:22I've just...
10:23I've just had a rough time lately, okay?
10:25Right, I see
10:26Yeah, but the point is...
10:27Listen, let me just explain
10:29Last place I lived
10:30I had a lot of...
10:32I had a lot of trouble
10:34From a flasher
10:36Right, he just sort of picked on me
10:40Any time of day or night
10:41Sometimes right outside my windows
10:43Right in my back garden
10:44Right
10:45Ah
10:45Police got him in the end
10:47But I just had to move
10:48Really freaked me out
10:49I needed a fresh start
10:51I see
10:52So, that's all
10:53That's why I'm a bit jumpy
10:54No big deal
10:55You really can come out now, you know
10:58Yes, before I do
10:59Er...
10:59Could I also explain something?
11:01Well, I...
11:02You see, I...
11:03I've had a bit of a rough time lately, too
11:05Have you?
11:06But...
11:07Of course, the death of your wife
11:09What?
11:10Yes
11:10Yes, yes, exactly
11:12It's a very traumatic experience
11:14And it's caused me to do some...
11:16Some strange things
11:18Right
11:19Your bladder control problem
11:21Not just that, Alison
11:23There's more
11:25Hi
11:26Answer
11:27Mum
11:28Hello, darling
11:30Hi
11:31Just thought we'd pop by
11:33Oh, sweet
11:34None of your phone has arrived?
11:36It's coming
11:36How's it going?
11:37Any problems?
11:38Nothing for you to deal with, Andy
11:40If I'd ever have caught that guy
11:42Oh, never mind that
11:43Listen, I want you to meet my new neighbour
11:44Mark
11:45Mr. Taylor
11:46Hello
11:48Everyone, this is my new neighbour
11:51Mark Taylor
11:51I think we're going to be very good friends
11:55You...
11:58No, no, no, listen
11:59You curvy bastard
12:01No, no, there's a perfectly sinful expert
12:03I'm going to kill you
12:04Oh, Sam
12:04No, no, Andy, wait, hang on
12:07No, Andy, hang on
12:10I don't believe this
12:14I do not sodding well believe this
12:16Piss off
12:21Where are you?
12:24I'm heading
12:25Auntie
12:26Auntie
12:27Can you hear me?
12:29Oh, my God
12:30You've got to help me
12:33I...
12:35Robert!
12:37Robbie
12:38Oh, my God.
13:08this won't take long i hope you don't mind long as i can pick up the kids at six
13:16oh stop i can't take anymore but i haven't explained why i was it doesn't matter i can
13:31imagine is your life always like this actually yes
13:37are you sure you're all right auntie i mean do you want me to phone the doctor no no i'll be fine
13:45and now i was a little bit confused out there that nice lady who helped us in was that becky
13:53him i mean her obviously no um which reminds me i just better go and you go and see to her
14:00and i'll have a little rest listen about becky there's maybe something i ought to explain
14:06my what maybe when you're feeling better
14:10right would you mind telling me exactly what is going on why were you naked in the hallway with
14:23an old woman interesting i think that's the first time i've been criticized for flouting
14:27conventional dress codes by a transvestite what will your neighbors think have you considered
14:32that oh shouldn't be a problem i've already explained that i'm in trauma following the
14:37sudden death of my wife now i'll just have to kill becky and i'll be perfectly normal
14:43actually that might work i can't believe the way you're talking i think it's time you took a long
14:49look at yourself mark i hate to bring this up robert but you are dressed as a woman that's
14:55about the most fundamental mistake you can make in the morning i'm exploring my sexuality i find it
15:01rather a shame you're quite so narrow-minded i'm narrow-minded what do you think they'll say at the
15:05squash club when you ask to play on the women's team well i'm always doing that anyway to make up
15:10the numbers won't be the first time they've seen me in a skirt becky the front door was open what did
15:21you must be mark's aunt hello no trace i can definitely see a resemblance
15:30that's a bit funny isn't it because she looks like oh my god now listen tracy mark you've got the
15:41wrong aunt no no no listen i saw this in a film once they can make a mix up at the hospital
15:50of course that was babies not aunts hello darling oh god
15:57oh my god i'm sorry you're just going to have to accept it becky it's okay i'm here becky i'm a
16:05lesbian i don't think that's quite how it works actually so this is what you've been doing all
16:13day having a sex change no listen no wonder you had to leave so early tracy will you just listen so
16:21where is it now did they keep it it what have they done with it robert tracy how much did you get
16:27for it don't forget he hasn't had a sex change he's just wearing a dress oh oh yes being a silly
16:36well why are you wearing a dress tracy i am simply trying to explore my sexual identity
16:42oh you bitch calm down tracy this is not the way to handle it well what am i supposed to do
16:52i don't feel as if i know you anymore i don't know anything about you don't be silly i didn't know
17:00you liked wearing dresses i never knew you went to prostitutes i didn't even know mark was your nephew
17:08don't ever react okay the man was discovered by you and both his parents in a maid's outfit he's just
17:15having a sort of breakdown well that's rich coming from someone found naked in his own hallway telling
17:19people his wife's dead what no no no i was telling you about another woman was dead another woman completely
17:25not you i'm going i'm leaving right now well i'll be staying here mark promise me you'll keep your
17:34hands off him trust me i'll take tracy home mark sometime we do actually have to talk why were you
17:42telling people some woman was dead long story see you robert tracy wrong door this is the kitchen
17:53i know i'm angry i need plates anything else glass of water what does he do in here there's a glass in
18:05the bathroom i'm sure he hasn't found it yet hang on a second i don't want you here makes you uncomfortable
18:11does it maybe you need to explore your sexuality mark oh sorry aunt helen yes it's becky isn't it oh how
18:23lovely to meet you at last yes indeed i'm sorry were you wanting to use the bathroom oh no no no go
18:29ahead i just came in for a glass listen i'm i'm afraid i won't be able to stay long oh dear why not
18:37i'm not feeling very well i'll have to go home home sorry no i'll have to go to hospital hospital
18:46it's nothing serious honestly i just like to pop in now and then and have a lie down if they've got a free
18:51bed oh my dear you're just being brave now what's wrong nothing truly now becky you're not fooling me
19:00for a moment there's something wrong now tell me what it is oh i'm fine really well i'll see you in a
19:08moment oh dear at least put some sensible clothes on you're not staying here wearing a dress if i want to
19:17wear a dress i will
19:22mr taylor
19:24allison good bye didn't give you a fright look it was the bath overflowing okay there's nothing wrong with
19:30my bladder honestly about your dress sense or lack of it oh god look i can explain all that let me
19:36guess you got your dressing down caught in the door i saw it there i figured it out later right good at
19:43any rate i decided to give you the benefit of the doubt i know what you're going through at the moment
19:48my brother still wants to kill you though i should keep away from him no thanks for the tip
19:52listen what i really wanted to say was thing is i've done some grief counseling in my time i don't
20:04know if you're interested but yes well you know talking couldn't hurt exactly i mean obviously since
20:11becky went i've been you know i do know
20:17oh hello uh this is my new neighbor alison alison this is my aunt helen uh she's just arrived back
20:25from australia uh we haven't really had a chance to chat yet have we auntie where is becky you haven't
20:31well how is she i think you ought to tell her don't you
20:37i'm afraid
20:41i'm afraid becky's dead
20:42dead dead yes yes it uh it uh happened rather suddenly oh my god all right do you want to sit
20:53down dead don't get yourself all worked up auntie i'm getting over it you know you're what well i'm
21:03you know i'm getting there i feel i've had time to adjust you know and uh i'm even starting to think
21:10about seeing other women have you phoned for a doctor why aren't you feeling well well where is
21:17she i want to see her well i think that might be a bit difficult difficult well she's been cremated
21:27mark this doesn't make any sense how do we just have to accept it becky's gone i'm still here
21:32actually we never got further than the kitchen becky you're alive i only said i wasn't feeling well
21:50but but but why don't you sit down just just stay calm what's going on here what happened to that other
21:59woman never mind what other woman oh the other woman she's dead dead oh god isn't that what i was
22:08supposed to say but but you said that becky was dead ah right yes what is going on here nothing much
22:20i can always tell when you're lying mark your face goes bright red
22:26collecting my things and i'm leaving i think you've gone quite out of your mind no no wait wait
22:34that wasn't becky that was that was just this mad woman who keeps coming around here pretending to be my
22:39wife and the other one was she mad too absolutely she always has this silly old joke with me about how my
22:47wife is dead i suppose you didn't see the funny side honestly there are so many mad women around
22:55here well now there's one more brilliant so many mad women
23:06tracy
23:06mark you've got to pretend to be my wife what why it's very complicated i told my aunt that becky
23:16was dead dead so now you're my wife okay just wait here does that mean you're robert yes okay you
23:24can do it that way pretend i'm robert right good oh okay let's do it this way you pretend to be becky
23:33but if you said she was dead no it doesn't matter she didn't believe me now wait here and remember
23:37you are my wife sure you can remember that i can do it
23:45now listen auntie i'm sorry about all that i'm sorry about getting you all upset but my wife has
23:51just arrived home my real wife she's not mad she's not dead she's in the living room just waiting to meet
23:58you well i could do without any more of your little surprises no more surprises becky
24:06ah
24:07she's dead
24:10no she isn't get out tracy now
24:13i thought becky was supposed to be dead
24:14ouch sorry auntie just another of these mad women come on then
24:18ouch ouch ouch ouch
24:20sorry explain later honestly all these bloody mad women
24:29but where's becky you said she'd come home right yes hang on a moment
24:39robbie yes would you come out here and meet my aunt please
24:44what hurry up robbie yeah sometimes i call becky robbie for short
24:51come along then now listen auntie you've already met robbie okay you met her because
24:57we helped you into the flat together and then i'm sorry to say i denied that robbie was my wife
25:03perhaps i was ashamed perhaps i didn't think that robbie was quite the pretty young woman you were
25:08expecting but i think that if you really love someone you don't worry about what everybody else
25:14thinks and i like to think that if i love someone you'll love them too so so please auntie keep an
25:21open mind and meet my wife hello
25:27have luck about you
25:33oh my god where the hell do you take your dress off you told me to
25:39mark why didn't you warn me that you were gay oh be serious do you honestly think that this man
25:47could be my wife oh right that's it i've had enough excuse me both of you the traffic's building
25:56up outside so i'm just going to nip down and kill myself auntie please inform my next of kin
26:01tell them to look out for a heavy goods vehicle with sticky wheels
26:06that is of course unless anybody else wants to hit me no good
26:17it's okay mild concussion the doctor said you'll be fine what happened well the guy decked you didn't
26:42do you want to know what happened well the guy who's listening excuse me i'm i'm a bit confused
26:48do i know you of course you know me mark i'm your friend your very best friend
27:01dying flame
27:05free again
27:06who could love
27:13do that to you
27:17all dressed in black
27:22won't be coming back
27:26just save the tears
27:27yes
27:30not yes
27:32yes
27:34oh
27:36if you think it's over
27:39because you said goodbye
27:41if you think it's over
27:45i'll tell you why
27:54you
27:56i
27:59you
27:59like
27:59you
28:00you
28:00you
28:00you
28:02you
28:02you
28:03you
28:03you
28:03you
28:05uh
28:17you
28:17you
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