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00:30The wife left me. Towards the end of our marriage, I began to suspect that she was faking her orgasms. I found some of them written down. Confused me for a moment. At first, I thought she was writing a rather flattering song about me.
00:43Hello?
00:56Hello?
01:03Things went from bad to worse.
01:06One night she faked foreplay.
01:21There was only one thing I could do to keep my dignity.
01:24I started faking it, too.
01:28Eventually, we turned the lights out and both sneaked out of the room.
01:33It got a bit embarrassing after a while.
01:34I mean, one time we bumped into each other in town whilst we were supposed to be making love.
01:42She looked guilty and faked an orgasm.
01:47But I'd read it.
01:52Mark, hello, it's Casey.
01:54Tracy, hi.
01:56Look, Robert's been a silly and left his portable phone lying about.
02:01Oh, I see.
02:02I was wondering, do you have it?
02:06I'm talking to you on it, Tracy. That's how you phoned me.
02:08Oh, of course, yes.
02:12Sorry.
02:13That's all right.
02:14Oh, Robert will be so relieved.
02:17I'd better phone him and tell him you've got it.
02:20He's away on a grouse shoot, you know.
02:22With the company.
02:24In Scotland.
02:25Shooting, eh?
02:26Not squash this time, then?
02:28No, they're definitely going to shoot them.
02:29No, no, no, no.
02:31I meant as in the game, Tracy, with rackets.
02:34Those poor birds.
02:35Tracy, don't be stupid.
02:37Cruel to dumb animals is horrid, Mark.
02:39Oh, for God's sake, I only snapped at you.
02:42Sorry, man.
02:43Yeah, quiet.
02:44You're sorry.
02:44Well, thanks, Mark.
02:47I'd better tell Robert you've got his phone.
02:48Bye now.
02:49Bye, Tracy.
02:49Hello?
03:05Robert, Mark's got your phone.
03:07He must have left it at his flat last night.
03:10No, Tracy, it's Mark again.
03:11You can't call Robert at the moment, can you?
03:14Oh, yes.
03:15You've got his phone.
03:16That's right.
03:17Well, could you call him, then?
03:20You aren't this stupid.
03:21You can't be this stupid.
03:23I mean, I've seen you successfully use light switches
03:25and change the channels on a television set.
03:28Well, just you tell Robert that.
03:30I'm afraid it's finally happened.
03:31Tracy, the wick in your brain has gone out.
03:34I'm just writing a letter to Becky.
03:36I can't deal with any more of your inane drivel right now.
03:43I feel I just shot a recently orphaned kitten.
03:47Oh, no, no, don't be as silly.
04:12I know how upset you are.
04:16What with Becky leaving and everything.
04:18Please, don't be nice about it, Tracy.
04:20I don't deserve nice.
04:22I know I can be irritating.
04:24Stop being nice, Tracy, please.
04:26What matters at the moment is you.
04:28And if it helps you to let off steam at little old me,
04:30then I'm only too happy.
04:32So don't you feel bad?
04:34Yes, Tracy.
04:36Now, I'm afraid I have to go.
04:38I found an injured bird in the garden
04:40and I'm mending his wing.
04:42Oh, gosh, let it stop.
04:44Know what?
04:45I've called him Mark.
04:48Must go.
04:48I think I hear tweeting.
04:51Bye, Tracy.
04:52If I take her back the phone,
04:58will you forgive me?
05:00So all in all, towards the end,
05:01the sex was pretty lousy.
05:05God, I miss it.
05:06God, I miss it.
05:36That's a green light.
05:40Oh, I don't think so.
05:41She just smiled at me.
05:44I dreamt I got an audience with God.
05:47God, I said,
05:48what's the deal with this sex thing?
05:50I mean, why does it have to be this way?
05:53God said,
05:54I like to hear my name loud.
05:57The thing about sex is,
06:10it's dangerous.
06:12When you've got it on the brain,
06:14you know it's about to screw up your life.
06:22Tracy, I brought your phone round.
06:23Hi, Mark.
06:27I'll leave it on the doorstep.
06:29I was just in the shower.
06:32Come in.
06:33Come in.
06:35I can't stand around at the door.
06:38I've got nothing on.
06:39Do you have to keep bringing that up?
06:40What?
06:41Oh, sorry,
06:42I thought you meant something else.
06:43I was just saying,
06:46I can't stand naked at the front door.
06:49There are all sorts of perverts hanging about.
06:51Well, I'll only be a minute.
06:54Would you like some coffee or something?
06:56I've got a little time.
06:58Tom and Jennifer at my sister's.
07:00Maybe I should be getting home.
07:01Look, Tracy,
07:02I don't really feel comfortable
07:03with you wearing a towel, you know.
07:04Well, sorry, Mark.
07:05I'm not going to take it off.
07:07No, no, no.
07:08I didn't mean...
07:09Oh, God.
07:10I hope you're not getting all silly
07:12just because I'm not dressed.
07:13That's not very nice.
07:15No, Tracy.
07:16We're friends, Mark.
07:17Yes.
07:17We should be above thinking silly things,
07:19shouldn't we?
07:20We should.
07:20Because I'd get ever so cross
07:22if you were getting all worked up.
07:25Now, do you want to stay for some coffee
07:27or do you want to get back home?
07:29Actually, could I use your bathroom?
07:31Yes.
07:31What do you want to do?
07:32Oh, just wash my hands, honestly.
07:33I meant about the coffee.
07:35Yes, so did I.
07:36Yes, I'd better wash my hands
07:37if I'm going to drink some.
07:38Well, you'll have a mug.
07:40I'll just go.
07:43Mark?
07:46I am a little bit flattered.
07:48Yeah, sure.
07:49There are moments in your life
08:12when what you need to do most
08:14for the sake of your future
08:15and your sanity
08:16is cool yourself down.
08:18Tracy?
08:37I'm upstairs.
08:40There are moments when you should,
08:42above all,
08:43hold back.
08:44Okay, Mark,
08:53into bed with you now.
08:56I'll be ready in a moment.
09:01Well, come on, then.
09:02Don't be as silly.
09:05Make yourself lovely and comfortable.
09:07I'm not joking.
09:08I'm not joking.
09:14Good, that's right.
09:16I'll be with you in a moment.
09:19Ready.
09:21Right, Mark.
09:22Let's see if your little wing's working again.
09:25You like your little bed, don't you, Mark?
09:39Mark?
09:41What are you doing in my bed?
09:42I was a bit tired.
09:51This is Mark.
09:53I'm not sure if he's going to live.
09:55Your bird, eh?
09:56I wasn't talking to you.
09:58All right.
09:59That was quite sharp, actually.
10:01Oh, does that mean it's all right
10:03to go to bed with me now?
10:04Look, I...
10:05Do you know what's not very nice?
10:07When you don't think somebody's all that attractive
10:09or all that interesting,
10:11but one day you see them with no clothes on
10:13and suddenly you get all excited.
10:17Is it horrid of me?
10:22I've got to see to Mark.
10:24Yes, of course.
10:25I wasn't talking to you.
10:32You know what's funny about
10:33screaming a friend's wife?
10:38Anyone?
10:39What was that?
10:47It's Robert.
10:48Oh, my God.
10:48He's home.
10:49Oh, Christ.
10:50How are we going to explain this?
10:51Tracy, what have we done?
10:52Do you think you want that kind of detail?
10:55I'll hide.
10:57Robert wouldn't have to ring the doorbell, would he?
10:59No.
11:00He hasn't been naughty.
11:03I think that's Becky's car.
11:05It's my wife.
11:07I'll hide.
11:07You can't hide, Tracy.
11:09It's your house.
11:11Just pretend you're not in.
11:12Don't answer the door.
11:13Right.
11:14Good idea.
11:16Tracy?
11:18Are you in?
11:19Up here.
11:20Tracy.
11:21Sorry, I got muddled.
11:24Your clothes.
11:25No.
11:30Pretend I'm Robert.
11:32Right.
11:36Tracy, listen.
11:38Robert, look.
11:39It's Becky.
11:40Oh, God.
11:41I'm sorry.
11:41I didn't realise you two were...
11:42Oh, that's OK.
11:45Becky, what's wrong?
11:47It's Mark.
11:49No, it isn't.
11:50It's Robert.
11:55You've got to read these.
11:58He started writing to me every day really vicious letters.
12:02The one I got this morning was so bad.
12:04Oh, not again.
12:13You're a complete sucker for a bird with a wing down, aren't you?
12:16Well, he was so sweet.
12:19What have you called him?
12:20Oh, you've written Mark here.
12:24Oh, that's just a reminder.
12:26Of what?
12:27A name.
12:28Whose name?
12:30I forget.
12:31What?
12:32Well, why do...
12:34What's wrong with Robert?
12:39Nothing.
12:40I just felt like a change.
12:42What?
12:44Nothing.
12:45Nothing.
12:46So, um, tell me about these letters.
12:48Oh, God.
12:51So, tell me.
12:54Every morning there's a new one.
12:56And about what a heartless bitch I am and how much he loves me.
13:01I'm not sure what's harder.
13:03So, um, why has he started writing?
13:07He hasn't got my home number and I've stopped taking his calls at the office.
13:11It's bad, I know, but I got sick of him chewing my ear off the whole time.
13:15Oh, I know what you mean.
13:18You just get so pompous.
13:21You are my wife.
13:23I trusted you more than anyone and you betrayed me with another man.
13:29Listen to Mr. Perfect.
13:34What do you think it does to a man to know the woman he loves is happy to make a complete fool of him?
13:39I'm having a hard time disagreeing with him, Trace.
13:46Give me the bright side.
13:52What is it?
13:53What's wrong?
13:55Oh, you mustn't take this to heart.
13:57It's about me, not you.
14:01I can't believe Mark could get to you like this.
14:04Look, Becky, you don't have to tell me anything.
14:14I understand.
14:15No, you don't.
14:16I don't want to know who it is.
14:19I'll stall him.
14:21Fix your face and hide him.
14:23Right.
14:23Robert, hi.
14:30Becky.
14:32What are you doing here?
14:34Just passing through.
14:35And you?
14:36Quickly.
14:38Quickly.
14:39Where's Tracy?
14:41Oh, I expect she'll be out in a minute.
14:44I'll go and check for you.
14:48Right.
14:49For God's sake, don't act guilty.
14:50What's going on?
15:01Don't shoot.
15:03Tracy, why is there a pile of clothes outside?
15:07It's a flasher.
15:09No, it isn't.
15:10It's a pile of clothes.
15:12He's shy.
15:14Robert, I thought you were off to Scotland today.
15:17Yeah, I am.
15:18Nine o'clock tonight, not nine this morning.
15:21It's the last time I let you take a message, Tracy.
15:23Well, why don't we go downstairs and get some coffee?
15:26Right.
15:27Good idea.
15:28Come on, Robert.
15:29We'll be with you in a moment.
15:30I've just got to have a quick word with Tracy.
15:31Oh.
15:32Right.
15:36Is that Mark's car outside?
15:38Oh, no.
15:39He isn't here.
15:40Honest.
15:41Okay, fine.
15:45I just thought he might have found the phone and brought it round.
15:48What do you mean, brought it round?
15:49Next he'll be saying we've had sex.
15:54Right, fine.
15:55Well, I'll just give him a call and see if he's found it.
15:58Actually, I may as well just phone the portable.
16:13What are you doing?
16:16Aerobics!
16:16Are they ringing?
16:35Yes.
16:35I've got to go and see to Becky.
16:49Don't answer the phone.
16:51It isn't ringing.
16:52Well, exactly.
16:53Tracy, what the hell?
16:54Oh, God!
17:02Come on, Mark.
17:04Shh!
17:06How do you turn these damn things off?
17:11Hello?
17:12Mark?
17:15Robert?
17:17Look, sorry to be a nuisance, but I've left my phone in your flat.
17:21Well, I'd better get straight back and look for it.
17:22Bye.
17:24Please, don't let him find out.
17:36Tracy, what's going on?
17:42Hello?
17:43Mark, I've been thinking.
17:45Try on the end of the sofa.
17:47That's where I was sitting.
17:48Look, I'm talking to you on the bloody thing.
17:49Obviously, I've found it.
17:50I mean, how could I be talking to you on the bloody phone
17:51if I didn't know where it was?
17:52Hang on, Mark.
17:53I thought I heard someone shouting in the bathroom.
18:02Is this better?
18:03What?
18:04Why do you two need a portable phone anyway?
18:08It seems to confuse the hell out of you.
18:09Well, it's for my work.
18:11And it's nice for Tracy.
18:12She's made friends all over the world trying to program the video with it.
18:15Of course, yes.
18:16Of course, yes.
18:19Sorry, Robert, I'm just a bit, um, tense.
18:22Well, sorry, I was being a bit dim there about the phone.
18:25Um, it's Tracy, you see.
18:29She's different.
18:31Different?
18:32What, you mean ill or something?
18:33Oh, no, not ill.
18:34Positively glowing, in fact.
18:37Glowing?
18:37But she's acting so strangely.
18:41A moment ago, she was running about this room like mad.
18:44And when I walked in at first, she shouted, don't shoot.
18:47Glowing, eh?
18:48It's as if she's really tensed up about something, really frantic.
18:53I'm worried, actually.
18:55And all the time she's glowing, like you've never seen it before.
18:59Exactly.
19:01Well, not never before, obviously.
19:05There are situations when she's glowed more, if you know what I mean.
19:10What situations?
19:11Oh, come on, you know what I'm talking about.
19:13But the point is, the way she's acting...
19:16No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm not going to let this lie.
19:17You say you've seen her glowing more?
19:20Well, obviously, yeah.
19:23A lot more.
19:24You lying bastard.
19:27No, no, no, no, look.
19:28I'm just saying, there are certain situations...
19:31Well, I'm sure I know a lot more situations than you do.
19:33What?
19:34Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you meant positions.
19:36I know, I know, I didn't.
19:37Never mind.
19:39Are you all right, Mark?
19:40Yeah, I'm fine.
19:42Well, anyway, she's a bit odd.
19:44But I'm afraid I've got to run, Mark, OK?
19:46Fine, sure, yeah.
19:47Frankly, I'm bursting for a pee.
19:49Bye now.
19:50What?
19:51What did you say?
19:52I'm just going to the toilet.
19:54Now?
19:56Well, yes.
19:57So soon?
19:59It's still morning.
20:00Didn't you go when you got up?
20:02Yes, I did.
20:03Well, let's not go mad.
20:05I've had a lot of coffee.
20:07I need to go again.
20:08Well, you should have thought about that before you drank it.
20:11Are you sure you're all right?
20:13No, I'm not.
20:14I'm worried about Tracy.
20:15Tell me more about what's wrong with her.
20:17Well, it's nothing.
20:19She's just a bit funny.
20:20Funny?
20:21How?
20:23Well, she's wandering around in her robe, and I saw her get dressed this morning, and the bed's
20:28all rumpled, and I made it myself before I left.
20:30And there's a pile of man's clothes lying just below the bedroom window.
20:45Tracy's had a man here.
20:47Oh, you're just jumping to conclusions.
20:49She has.
20:51She's having an affair.
20:53You're just overreacting.
20:56And if his clothes are still here...
21:00Oh, my God.
21:24He's in my bathroom.
21:27The bastard's in my bathroom.
21:30Well, you can use the one downstairs.
21:35Wait, Tracy.
21:37Who is it you've got up there, and why is Mark getting so frantic?
21:46Darling, I thought you'd be here.
21:48Was it another letter?
21:50Oh, no.
21:50Oh, no.
21:50The door's locked.
21:58He's bloody well in there.
21:59Oh, I'm sure he isn't.
22:02Tracy!
22:03Tracy!
22:04Get up here immediately!
22:06Yeah!
22:08Tracy!
22:10Becky, what's going on?
22:12Tracy's got a man locked in her bathroom.
22:14I don't know who.
22:21Out to come, then!
22:22Come on, I know you're in there!
22:24Bastard won't come out.
22:25Oh, dear.
22:27You've got someone in there.
22:29You've got a man in the bathroom!
22:31No, I haven't.
22:32OK, if there's no one in there, how come the door is bolted from the inside?
22:39Got it there, Mark?
22:40You listening to this?
22:41In stereo.
22:43There's a perfectly simple explanation.
22:45Is there really?
22:47Yes.
22:48Well?
22:50I had a shower this morning, and I locked the bathroom door.
22:54And?
22:55And when I came out again?
22:57Well?
22:58And when I came out again?
23:00Yes!
23:00I forgot to unbolt it!
23:04You can't fool me with your clever lies.
23:08You still there, Mark?
23:10You listen to this.
23:11I'm going to show that bastard!
23:13What exactly are you going to do?
23:14You'll find out.
23:15Probably, yes.
23:16Robert, no!
23:19Oh, shit.
23:21Robert, maybe we should talk about this a little more.
23:23I'm going to kill him!
23:25Now, is that a sensible attitude?
23:26Is that what a sane human being would do in this situation?
23:29You hypocritical bastard!
23:31Oh, God.
23:32Should I read you what you wrote about Trevor?
23:35About how a life sentence in a Turkish prison would be too good for him?
23:39Well, I didn't mean that in a bad way.
23:41About how he should be shot through the head repeatedly until he was sorry.
23:45You see how it's possible to joke about these things, Robert?
23:48What you'd ever have done to him if you'd ever caught him with me.
23:51Becky, this may not be the perfect moment for this conversation.
23:53He's got a gun!
23:57Robert's got a gun!
23:59Jesus!
24:01Got to go, Mark.
24:02OK, out of there so I can shoot you!
24:08Come on, Robert.
24:09You've got to put that gun down.
24:10Get away from me.
24:11I'm warning you, Trevor.
24:13Trevor?
24:14Look, you're just getting carried away.
24:16Let's talk about this, yeah?
24:17Shoot him, Robert!
24:18Shoot him!
24:18Right, out of there.
24:21Come on!
24:22Mark, sorry, I didn't know he had a gun.
24:25Can you get round here?
24:26We may need help.
24:27No use asking him.
24:28Mark's on my side.
24:29How fast can you make it?
24:31He's coming out!
24:32Mark, if I didn't know you were in your flat at the moment...
24:59No, it's me, I'm here, for God's sake!
25:04Well, where's my phone, then?
25:06In the bathroom, obviously!
25:08Look, I was just talking on the...
25:09Oh, never mind, just shoot me, it's quicker!
25:12You mean...
25:13You...
25:14You and Tracy?
25:17You were...
25:18I could kill you for this, Mark.
25:20Oh, thanks, Becky.
25:20That really helps the mood.
25:22I don't believe this.
25:23I'm not listening to a word from you.
25:24You're screwing my wife.
25:26You screwed my wife!
25:27So shut up when I shoot you!
25:29Well, at least you shoot her first.
25:30He started it.
25:31I mean it!
25:33Robert, listen!
25:36Okay, fine.
25:38Let me just say one thing.
25:40You can only pull that trigger with a completely clear conscience
25:44if you have never, ever, even once, cheated on Tracy.
25:49Oh!
25:49Oh!
25:53Robert?
26:03Robert?
26:06Shoot Mark, Robert!
26:10In a minute.
26:14So, when was it?
26:18It was nothing.
26:20Just an office party thing one Christmas.
26:23I was drunk.
26:25Why don't you give me the gun now, Robert?
26:27Don't give it to him!
26:28Let me have it.
26:29No, no way!
26:29Give it to Tracy!
26:30You're joking!
26:31No chance!
26:32Well, then give it to me!
26:33Well, don't let her near it!
26:36There must be somebody here who doesn't want to shoot anyone.
26:40Who was it?
26:42No one you know.
26:43At least I can say that.
26:45You slept with a friend of ours.
26:46No, I didn't.
26:48Yes, you did!
26:49It wasn't me.
26:50Well, who was it, then?
26:53Becky!
26:56What?
26:57Tracy!
26:59Mark and Becky are having an affair.
27:02This is where they meet.
27:06That isn't true.
27:07An affair?
27:10Mark, tell Trevor it isn't true.
27:14Mark, please.
27:15The truth.
27:19Sorry, Trev.
27:26Thing is, according to Becky, size does matter.
27:37I should have known.
27:38I should have bloody well known.
27:39No, please, listen.
27:41And you said it was what you did with it.
27:43Oh, Trevor!
27:43I don't believe a word of that.
27:53Becky and Mark?
27:55I couldn't even imagine them married,
27:56and I was at the wedding.
27:58I'm leaving you, Robert.
27:59No, you're not.
28:00I'm leaving you!
28:01I thought of it!
28:02I'm nearer the door!
28:04No, you don't!
28:05No, you don't!
28:16No, you don't!
28:17I think Tracey's bird is feeling much better.
28:40I think Tracey's bird is feeling much better.
29:10Just say the tears, not yes and yes.
29:18Oh, if you think it's over, because you said goodbye.
29:27Oh, if you think it's over, I'll tell you why.
29:32Oh, if you think it's over, I'll tell you why.
29:41Oh, if you think it's over, I'll tell you why.
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