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00:00I'll see you next time
00:30I'll see you next time
01:00I'll see you next time
01:29what have you done to the telly
01:35Henry Kelly was presenting
01:40going for gold
01:41to go back to bed
01:42Robbie
01:44you've got to pull yourself together
01:46you're going to pieces
01:48Robbie, I'm not
01:49it'd be fine if I could just get a part
01:52or something
01:52well you could at least keep in shape
01:55take some exercise
01:57do some running
01:58when was the last time you ran anywhere
02:01I ran to the telly this morning
02:04when Henry Kelly came on
02:05you know what I mean
02:08couldn't you get another job
02:10be a barman or a waiter
02:12or work on a building site or something
02:13in other words, give up
02:15no, not give up
02:16Sue
02:17I know it's hard to understand
02:21but
02:22I'm an actor
02:24it's all I want to do
02:26and I'll only make it as an actor
02:29if I'm not sidetracked
02:30and if you can just
02:32support me in that
02:34I know I can make it
02:37Robert
02:38cough off
02:40well it was worth a try
02:47well I managed to get a bit more out of them
02:50than that old boy
02:516,000 a show
02:54for 10 shows
02:55obviously they know how good you are
02:59yeah, well
03:00bless you
03:02bye
03:03just sorting out a deal
03:07for a new client of mine
03:09Henry Kelly
03:10marvellous
03:15hosting a new hospital's quiz
03:17talking to patients
03:19that sort of thing
03:20well, that'll make them feel a lot better
03:22well, how can I help you?
03:26well
03:26I'm just a bit worried about my acting, Desmond
03:30why?
03:31I'm not doing any
03:33as soon as I've got to get a job
03:35haven't you got anything I can do, Desmond?
03:37I've got to do something
03:39well, as a matter of fact
03:41I am sitting on something
03:43great, well stand up and give it to me
03:45it's a TV movie
03:48produced as an old mate of mine
03:51so don't let me down
03:52so don't let me down
03:52they, er, ha
03:55we were in rep together
03:57great
03:58so what would this part be then?
04:00what would I do?
04:00oh, this character, old Tom
04:01I remember one night
04:02Desmond, Desmond, what's the part?
04:04it's an action thriller
04:05he's looking for someone to play the hero chauffeur
04:08someone young
04:09a chauffeur
04:11yeah, it's a great part
04:13perfect for you, Robert
04:14Desmond, I can't drive
04:16apart from that, it's perfect
04:19anywhere you can always learn
04:21I mean, look, if he asked you if you can drive, say yes
04:25anything he asked you to do, say yes, you can do it
04:28Desmond, what exactly does this part involve?
04:31nothing
04:32much
04:34look, Robert, you have to look confident
04:37hmm?
04:38I mean, if you can't handle a physical role
04:40then forget it
04:41I mean, I'll try and find you something
04:44eventually
04:45Desmond, I know how to handle myself
04:48I know how to do a physical role
04:50you're looking at 160 pounds of pure, solid, prime Aberdeenshire muscle
04:57that's the spirit
04:58good boy
05:00Brenda, get me Tom Miller on the phone, would you please?
05:07Tom Miller
05:08and so
05:12the cost of the car chase
05:15has been built
05:16into the final budget
05:19as
05:20has the underwater sequence
05:22come
05:24Robert Nielsen
05:29Bob
05:31I'm writing
05:32great to see you
05:35Tom Miller
05:35Hi
05:37this is Linda, my PA
05:39Hi
05:40nice to meet you
05:42I call her my PA because secretary's such a demeaning word, don't you think?
05:46especially for a woman of her abilities
05:48yeah, really
05:49yeah
05:50make us cup of tea, love, what's wrong?
05:52yes
05:53if you want the loo
05:57no, no, no, no, no, no, no, jogging
06:01see old Desmond's there, hey what?
06:06yeah
06:08Desmond
06:10what a character
06:12Yeah.
06:13Yeah.
06:14He tells me you have to be right for this part because you're so physical.
06:18Oh, yeah, very physical, you know. Jog a lot. Jog everywhere, in fact.
06:21Lucky man. Wish I could jog more. Ten miles a day is all I get time for.
06:25That's why I use this beauty.
06:27You've got one?
06:29Yeah, I use one all the time, you know. Got one down the club.
06:32This one's the latest model. I call it the bitch because it's a tough.
06:37You want to have a go on it?
06:39Oh, no. No, it's all right.
06:40No, come on. It's great. You'll love it. Come on.
06:45Well, here we are.
06:48Climb aboard.
06:50That's it. Feet in.
06:53Hands on.
06:55That's it.
06:58Just pull.
07:00Ah, yes, just trying to psych myself up, you know.
07:03Yeah.
07:08That's it.
07:09Great, isn't it?
07:11Oh, terrific.
07:13There's nothing like a good he. That's what I say.
07:17Yeah, I think I can feel one coming on.
07:21Nothing about this film I'm casting.
07:24It's an action piece, as you know.
07:26A chap called Steve Parks is playing the lead.
07:31Look at that body.
07:33Terrific.
07:34Good.
07:35Now, don't stop. Enjoy.
07:37And there's one big sequence involving the chauffeur,
07:40where he tries to recover the missing briefcase.
07:43Drink.
07:44Not that there's anything that should trouble you.
07:46Good. Good.
07:48Not with your experience of scuba.
07:51Scuba?
07:52Scuba diving.
07:53Desmond tells me you're an expert.
07:55Ah.
07:55Oh, yes.
07:57He speaks very highly of you.
07:59Ah, yeah.
08:00Good old Desmond.
08:03He also tells me you're a first-class up-sailer.
08:07Yeah, well, yeah.
08:08I'm from a boating family, actually.
08:10No, up-sailer.
08:11Coming down cliffs on ropes.
08:13The higher, the better.
08:14So you can manage all that?
08:16Oh, yeah, yeah.
08:17No trouble.
08:18Well, then.
08:19The part's yours, if you want it.
08:22Come and sit down.
08:28You're offering me the part.
08:29Why not?
08:30You've got all the skills we need.
08:33Ah, tea.
08:34There's a good girl.
08:35Do you take sugar, Mr Nielsen?
08:37Ah, no, thank you.
08:38Health dying.
08:40Oh, I just thought, playing a chauffeur.
08:42I presume you can drive, Bob.
08:45Well, of course I drive.
08:47I drove you this afternoon, in fact.
08:49I drive everywhere.
08:50When I'm not jogging everywhere.
08:52See you at the shoot.
08:53Right.
08:54Bob.
08:55Yeah.
08:55Keep on jogging.
08:57See you tomorrow, Tom.
08:58I'll be only about ten.
08:58Night, love.
09:00So, ah, how long have you worked here, then?
09:03Ah, about a year.
09:04Before that I was at the Beeb.
09:05Really enjoyed that.
09:07Yeah?
09:08Now, what are you working on?
09:09Going for gold.
09:10Henry Kelly's super, isn't he?
09:13But, um, well, I needed a change, and this is handy for me, because I live in Ealing.
09:17Well, whereabouts?
09:18I live in Ealing, too.
09:19Ah, Mattock Road.
09:21No, just round the corner.
09:23Spring, close me.
09:24No.
09:26Hey, um, you couldn't give me a lift, could you?
09:29Well, since you brought your car, I mean, normally I'd get the tube, but, you know, since you're on my way, it'd be a real help.
09:35Oh, yeah, well, of course, I'd be delighted.
09:37I couldn't believe it.
09:42What?
09:43My car's been stolen.
09:46I parted here, and someone's nicked it.
09:50No.
09:51I know I wouldn't be able to give you a lift home.
09:53I'm so sorry.
09:54Oh, look, that's okay.
09:55Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn.
10:00It's okay.
10:01I'm more worried about you.
10:03What are you going to do?
10:04Well, I'll get that damn tube, I suppose.
10:06No, no, I mean, about your car.
10:08Damn, damn.
10:09Well, don't worry about that, you know, I'll sort something out.
10:12You get off, and I'll...
10:13No, Tom will know what to do.
10:16Tom!
10:17No, no, no, it's not...
10:18Tom!
10:19Somebody's stolen Bob's car!
10:21No, no, no, it's not right.
10:22He parked it just down there, and now it's gone!
10:25No, no, no, really, it's nothing, really, you know, I...
10:27A car isn't nothing, Bob.
10:28Well, this one is.
10:30What does it matter for the police?
10:32Come and jump in the car, I'll take you down the station now.
10:34No, no, no, no, look, don't...
10:34No, don't argue, get in.
10:49Yes?
10:50This gentleman would like to report a stolen car.
10:52Right, we'd better fill in one of these.
10:55Over to you, Bob.
10:59Name?
11:01Robert Nielsen.
11:06Address?
11:08Flat 4, 37 Spring Close, Ealing.
11:14And where was the vehicle when it was taken?
11:16In Latimer Road, it's about a mile away.
11:19I'll need a description.
11:20Well, well, it's the main road, quite busy.
11:23Oh, come on, Mr Nielsen.
11:26Of course.
11:32Well, I can slap four doors, four wheels.
11:36You know, some pretty regular car shape, really.
11:38I'm thinking of something a bit more specific, like the make.
11:44Oh, well, it's an Italian car.
11:47But as a Nussi.
11:47You drive a washing machine?
11:51I have a Fiat, Fiat.
11:55It's a Fiat.
11:56You know?
11:57Yeah, just the one.
11:59And what about the registration number?
12:01Can you remember that, Mr Nielsen?
12:04Yes.
12:05Uh, B.
12:08747 YTS.
12:12As in, Neil Trensky?
12:14Yeah.
12:16Right.
12:17Well, we'll put a call out on it, Mr Nielsen,
12:19and hope for the best.
12:26Really miss the old thing.
12:28Don't worry, Bob.
12:29They'll find it.
12:29Right.
12:36That's it.
12:37If you just want to sign at the bottom here, Robbie,
12:39that'll be fine.
12:41Sign what?
12:42Just sign here at the bottom.
12:51Oh.
12:53Hang on, what is this?
12:55It's your life insurance.
12:56Just sign there.
12:57That way I get £180,000 when you die in a couple of weeks.
13:01To what?
13:02I think to say.
13:03I am not going to die doing this film.
13:05I know what I'm doing.
13:06I'm in complete control.
13:08Driving scenes.
13:10OK, so I'm learning to drive.
13:12There's no great skill in driving, Sue, baby.
13:15It wasn't in yours.
13:17I've certainly not taken you out again.
13:19I was fine on the road yesterday.
13:21And lethal on that cycle track.
13:24You don't even know the basics, Robert.
13:26Rubbish.
13:27I do so know the basics.
13:29Right.
13:30Here.
13:33Let's see.
13:34What's this one here?
13:35Wait a minute.
13:35There.
13:41Stop.
13:43All right.
13:45Here, this one.
13:48One way.
13:48And this one.
13:54Sue, my driving scene is not for three weeks.
13:56I am not going to die doing some poxy driving scene.
13:59No, the abseilion will kill you first.
14:02That's in ten days.
14:03Not to mention the scuba diving.
14:05I am going to master scuba diving.
14:08You can't even swim.
14:10That's it.
14:12I've had enough.
14:14What are you doing?
14:15I'm going to ring the producer and tell him you're not doing it.
14:17No, you're not.
14:18Yes, I am.
14:19Sue, put that phone down.
14:21Is this the number?
14:21No.
14:22Yes, it is.
14:22You put the blinking phone down.
14:26What's got into you?
14:27I'm worried about you.
14:28That's what's got into me.
14:30I don't want anything to happen to you.
14:33Sue, nothing is going to happen to me.
14:38I'm a very responsible person.
14:41I'm in complete control.
14:47Hello?
14:51Yes, he is.
14:53All right, OK.
14:54I'll tell him.
14:59Robert.
14:59That was the police.
15:02They say they've got your feet at the station.
15:04Would you like to take that from you?
15:11Hello?
15:12Oh, hello, dear.
15:13Hello, Desmond.
15:14We were just wondering how Robert was getting on preparing for the film.
15:17Oh, he's been working really hard.
15:19In fact, he's art training at the moment at the local pool.
15:21Oh, good boy.
15:22You've been getting quite expert, then.
15:26Good deal.
15:27OK, everybody.
15:28Right across the other side.
15:29That's it, Jen.
15:31Come on.
15:32Come on, Robert.
15:33Try to keep above the water.
15:37Come on.
15:37Keep the legs moving.
15:40Oh, my goodness.
15:42Come on.
15:42Up you come.
15:44That's it.
15:45That's it.
15:45That's it.
15:46That's a breeze.
15:47That's a thing you know.
15:48You know, he can't seem to keep afloat.
15:51Well, I shouldn't worry.
15:52He doesn't need to for scuba.
15:55The more time he can spend underwater, the better.
15:57Not with his mouth open.
16:00No, he doesn't.
16:00I'm going to pop round there in ten minutes to pick him up.
16:02Why don't you join us?
16:11Hi.
16:11Hello.
16:13I didn't know you used the local pool.
16:15Yeah, all the time.
16:17I thought it was you.
16:18Yeah.
16:18What are you doing in the kiddies section?
16:23Oh, well, I'm with my son, teaching him to swim.
16:27Oh, you had a son?
16:29Yeah, David.
16:30That's terrific.
16:31Oh, which one is he?
16:36Oh, that one there.
16:37With fair hair.
16:38Oh, yeah, yeah.
16:39I can see the lightness now.
16:41He's got your eyes, hasn't he?
16:43Anyway, look, I better be off, you know.
16:46Oh, what a terrific swimmer.
16:47Oh, mind you, I suppose that's not surprising,
16:49having such a good teacher as you.
16:51Yeah, well, look, I better be off, you know.
16:53Hello.
16:54Hi, David.
16:55I'm a friend of your daddy's.
16:56My name's Simon.
16:59He's a funny boy, you know.
17:02I don't like the name David.
17:04I'm very excited at the moment, actually, David,
17:06because very soon I'm going to be working with your daddy.
17:08Are you a bus driver?
17:11Well, your daddy's an actor, isn't he?
17:13And very soon we're going to go away for a few days.
17:15We're going to make something with him.
17:18And then he'll be able to watch it on the telly.
17:20Won't that be exciting?
17:24Bye, David.
17:26Yeah, well, look, your bit will be off, you know.
17:29Yeah, you too.
17:29Yeah.
17:30Yeah, bye.
17:32And who was that woman you were talking to?
17:34Oh, she's a friend of daddy's, Mummy.
17:38A friend of daddy's?
17:39Yes, she's going away with him.
17:42And we're going to make something we can see in nine months.
17:47Are they indeed?
17:49How are the other things going?
18:09Oh.
18:09You know, the abseiling and things.
18:11There's a friend at school teaching him that.
18:13They've had a few sessions going down the walls of the sports hall.
18:19That's true.
18:21Yeah, he reckons he could be quite good when he stops blacking out.
18:25Blacking out?
18:26Oh, that's awful.
18:27If he looks down from any sort of height, that's it.
18:29He just goes.
18:30You know, that's it.
18:35Desmond, you will be encouraging, won't you?
18:37I mean, he needs his confidence keeping up.
18:40Don't worry, dear.
18:41I'll say all the right things.
18:43It's all part of an agent's job.
18:49Hello, old boy.
18:50I must say you look tremendous.
18:55Yeah.
18:56You're developing quite a serious doggy paddle, eh?
19:01Very good.
19:03Very good.
19:05You OK, Robbie?
19:06Yeah, thanks.
19:08And I hear the abseiling's going well, too.
19:11Well, apparently, the trick is to remain conscious as you go down.
19:17Well, it helps.
19:19Yeah, I think I've got the abseiling cracked, actually.
19:23Where are you doing it?
19:24I mean, what's the location?
19:26Uh, some beauty spot in the Midlands, Penton Heights.
19:30Oh, yes.
19:32Dead Man's Drop.
19:34Hello, dear.
19:35Dead Man's Drop.
19:38Yes.
19:38Well, it's so high, you see, and so sheer.
19:44And you get the most marvellous view.
19:45Thank you, Desmond.
19:56Hello?
19:57What's going on over there?
19:59Don't ask me.
20:04Well, do it, Adrian.
20:06Do it.
20:11Come on up there.
20:13I want to turn over in ten minutes.
20:14Where's Bob?
20:23In his trailer, I think.
20:24What's he doing?
20:25Praying, I think.
20:28I'd better go and tell him the bad news.
20:30He won't like it.
20:31Bob?
20:43How are you feeling, Matt?
20:47Great.
20:48Terrific.
20:48Good, good.
20:50Look, I don't quite know how to tell you this, but, uh, what were the crosswinds and the nature of the drop?
20:56The insurance people say we've got to use the local expert.
20:59Oh, no.
21:00Yes, they won't let you up, sir.
21:04Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn.
21:06I know, I know you could do it.
21:08I know you're a pro.
21:09You could do it standing on your head.
21:11I'm sorry.
21:11I really am.
21:13Oh, we will need you for a shot at the top, roped up, just hanging over the edge.
21:18Just for continuity.
21:20Okay, love?
21:20Yeah, no problem.
21:22It is looking very good, though.
21:30It is looking very good, though.
22:01Can we do the shot now?
22:03Just waiting for the light, Bob.
22:05Tell me when, Adrian.
22:06The sun's okay.
22:08Right, let's go for one, Bob.
22:09Now, remember, the chauffeur's never done this before.
22:13He's never up-sailed, so I want you to look anxious.
22:17Can you manage that?
22:20Okay, let's go for a take.
22:23Quiet on the set, please.
22:24Turn over.
22:25Mark it.
22:30Bob, are you all right?
22:38Yeah, I just, uh, put my hands a bit, you know.
22:42Breathe.
22:42Breathe.
22:43You just had to prove you could do it, didn't you?
22:45Why, yeah.
22:46You were lucky the lads kept turning over.
22:48It's just a good thing the insurance company weren't here.
22:50It really did look like you'd lost control.
22:52Yeah, well, I have been working on that part of the performance, you know.
22:56Right, Tom, shall we set up for the scuba scene, then?
22:58Yes, we just check the stool linking shot over there, then move on to the lake.
23:03Oh, get one of the girls to put something on your hands.
23:05Yeah.
23:05Like skin.
23:10Brenda?
23:12What time is it?
23:13Ten to four.
23:14I think I'll knock off.
23:17It's been such a hard day.
23:19Hi to you, old Desmond.
23:21It's all right, I'll get it.
23:24Desmond Shaw Associates?
23:26Oh, hello, Brenda.
23:27It's Sue.
23:28I'm really sorry to bother you again, but I was wondering if you've had any news.
23:32Hang on a moment.
23:33Desmond, it's Sue again.
23:36She's very worried about Robert.
23:40My dear girl, don't fret yourself.
23:43He'll be fine.
23:44They won't let him do anything dangerous.
23:46He'll be having the time of his life.
23:52I don't know.
23:53I don't know.
23:54I don't know.
23:55I don't know.
24:13Very clever, the way he makes it look as if he's drowning.
24:15Oh.
24:20That's brilliant.
24:22Yes, I think it was even better in take nine.
24:25Let's do one more, just one more.
24:27Can we go again, please, on that one?
24:43That was brilliant, Bob.
24:59Brilliant.
25:00Yeah, thanks.
25:02I thought you were amazing.
25:03Yeah, God.
25:04Abseil, scuba.
25:06I really can do it, can't I?
25:08Simple.
25:09Remind me to talk to you later about another project I'm setting up.
25:12I think you could be perfect for the lead.
25:14Great.
25:15It's called the day my parachute failed.
25:18Oh, yeah, falling out of planes?
25:20Easy.
25:27Now, in this last section, Bob, you're dodging the terrorist bullets.
25:31Bullets, yeah.
25:32Escaping with a briefcase.
25:33When Steve rides by and snatches you up onto his horse.
25:39Horse.
25:40He's very good.
25:42Jaguar.
25:49Yeah, should be a dortal.
25:51Diddle-dee-doodle-dee-diddle-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
25:56I'm sorry, Bob. I really am sorry, yeah.
26:13That horse was going like the clappers when it hit you.
26:16Mm-hmm.
26:19I thought he said Steve Parks could ride.
26:22He said he could. Said he was an expert, didn't he?
26:26The fact is, he lied to get that part. That's what gets me.
26:29It's so despicable.
26:31Mm.
26:32Disgusting.
26:33Mm.
26:34Who's his agent?
26:36Desmond, same as yours.
26:38Mm.
26:42Well, uh, better be going.
26:45Got to start recasting.
26:46You're going to be difficult to replace.
26:49Well, be lucky.
26:52Thanks.
26:53Bye-bye.
26:54Bye. Nice to meet you.
26:55Bye.
26:55Bye.
26:56Bye.
26:58Oh.
26:59Oh, Robbie.
27:01Oh, I don't believe it.
27:03I just do not believe it.
27:05Broken my leg, I've lost the part in the film,
27:08I've lost all the skin off my hands,
27:10and the police want to charge me with fraudulent acquisition of a Fiat Uno.
27:16It's just not fair.
27:18Never mind, eh?
27:19I mean, things could be worse.
27:22How?
27:23Hello, old boy.
27:26See what you mean.
27:29Desmond.
27:30Sorry, things went a bit wrong with the filming, but never mind.
27:36Hello, Sue.
27:41Hi.
27:42I've got some good news for you.
27:43You're going to be on television after all.
27:46Henry Kelly's doing his quiz from this hospital.
27:48I'm going to be joining this contestant.
27:50Oh, what a great day this is going to be.
27:55Sister, how are you?
27:57Hi.
27:58Hello, nurse.
27:58Nice to meet you.
28:00Hello.
28:00Hope you get well soon, sir.
28:02Well, today I'm in Ward 5.
28:04This is the orthopaedic ward.
28:05A great surprise I have for a young actor who's literally a stunt actor,
28:10fallen down on his luck.
28:11Put your hands together at home and give a big cheer here
28:14for the actor Robert Nielsen.
28:15Robert, welcome to the programme.
28:17Well done.
28:19Robert, ready for the first question?
28:21OK, the first question is how are we going?
28:23AN ACTOR'S LIFE FOR ME
28:24A HIGH STILL PATTERN
28:26STILL THE CAKE
28:27FOR WHAT YOU KNOW
28:27DOES YOU KEEP
28:29HIGH LITTLE DEEDOO
28:30YOU SLEEPED ALONG THE DEEDOO
28:32YOU'RE PROWING ON
28:33WITH A BIG CIGAR
28:34YOU SPENT AROUND
28:35AND A GREAT BIG GUN
28:36YOU'VE GOT A CHILDREN
28:37AT THE YARD
28:39AN ACTOR'S LIFE FOR ME
28:41IF WE COULD PICK AND CHOOSE
28:43AND NATURE WASN'T A FACTOR
28:45HE SHARED A BIT OF ROO
28:47I THINK THE LIFE OF A FACTOR
28:49HIGH LITTLE DEEDOO
28:52YOU SLEEPT TILL AFTER TWO
28:54YOU PROWING ON
28:55A BIG CIGAR
28:56YOU TOWER THE WORLD
28:57WITH A GREAT BIG GUN
28:58YOU TRIED TO CHOOSE
28:59YOU'RE AN ACTOR'S LIFE FOR ME
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