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TVTranscript
00:00Hi, diddle-dee-dee, an actor's life for me Oh, that this too, too solid flesh
00:10Next, a high silk and a silver cane Next, a watch of gold with a diamond chain
00:18Herefore you're honest, son's a face straight Next, hi, diddle-dee-doo, you sleep till
00:24After two, when the ball appears to steal to rot Next, you promenade with a big cigar
00:30You tour the one great cigar You dine on chicken and caviar
00:34I float my naked villainy And see my say, yeah, yeah, I know, next
00:38Diddle-dee-dee, diddle-dee-dee, diddle-dee-dee, an actor's life for me
00:45Diddle-dee-dee, diddle-dee-dee, diddle-dee-dee, diddle-dee-dee, diddle-dee-dee
00:49Mayhew Cosmetics, male product range, aftershave version, one minute duration
00:54Hi, what a dancer
01:03I suppose a dancer's out the question
01:11Pathetic
01:12Hey, pal, why's your loan?
01:16No one will dance with me, that's why
01:18Why can't I be like you, Mike? Sexy, handsome, and smell good
01:22I'm going to try some of this, Tom
01:24Doberman
01:25The new aftershave for men
01:27Doberman?
01:30Sounds great, I'll try some right now
01:32Hi, want to dance?
01:45Oh yeah, I'd love to
01:46Mmm, you smell great
01:50And he looks great too
01:54Doberman
01:58It helps, but it can't do everything
02:02God, that is so embarrassing
02:09Speaking as an agent, old boy, that's a damn fine commercial
02:13Yes, and such a good name for it too, isn't it?
02:17Doberman
02:18Certainly is
02:19Mmm
02:19Cos it's strong, and macho
02:23It makes you smell like a dog
02:25Does it?
02:28Oh yes, so it does
02:29I'm not wearing any tonight
02:32And you want me to put this ad on my demo tape, Desmond, for casting directors?
02:38Yes, of course
02:39What else are you going to include?
02:41Well, that's it
02:41You haven't done much recently
02:44Now, don't knock that ad, Robert
02:46It's been very successful
02:47They've been showing you for 18 months
02:49And I did a damn good deal on it for you too
02:51500 quid and a lifetime supply of doggy-doo Doberman
02:56Is not a great deal, Desmond
02:58Every repeat, they send another dozen bottles
03:01Jolly good
03:03Look, if you put this ad on my demo tape, I'll be typecast as a prat
03:06I'd like to do something romantic for a change
03:11You know, something where I look good
03:12I was talking to a casting director the other week
03:15And she said you look magnificent and equus
03:17I was playing a horse
03:19Are you sure you're right for romantic parts, Robbie?
03:23What?
03:24Well, I mean, you don't exactly look romantic, do you?
03:29Well, I think I ought to be on my way
03:30Thank you both
03:33For a delicious supper
03:35Oh, not at all
03:36We've been meaning to invite you for ages
03:38Don't look romantic
03:40What do I look, then?
03:43Well, odd
03:45I'm not criticising Robbie
03:48Well, it's a compliment, is it?
03:49Odd
03:50It doesn't matter
03:51Not to me
03:52It's just
03:52Well
03:53You're not conventionally good-looking, that's all
03:57But you looked awful in that last thing you went up for
04:01It was a gnat for headache tablets
04:03I was supposed to look awful
04:04Not after you'd taken the tablets
04:07I'm not surprised I've never shown it
04:10Now, you need to look like that other bloke to play romantic parts
04:12The one that Doberman had
04:13He's very good
04:14I've seen him in lots of things
04:15Sebastian Groom, yes
04:17He's done very well for himself
04:19Sebastian Groom, eh?
04:21His real name's Kevin Platt
04:23I was at college with him
04:26Really fancied himself
04:27Always showing off his designer stubble
04:29Why not?
04:30I rather like a man with designer stubble
04:32Not where he had it
04:33He was weird
04:34Well, he's the sort that gets those parts
04:38Now, now
04:40We don't want to undermine dear Robert, eh?
04:42Now, do we, dear?
04:43Oh, Desmond, don't get me wrong
04:44I like him the way he is
04:45You wouldn't want me to lie to you, would you, Robbie?
04:49Yes
04:49I'll show you, Desmond
04:52Well, bye, dear
04:54Bye
04:54Lovely evening
04:58Must do it again sometime
05:00Oh, thank
05:02Now, don't take any notes of it, old boy
05:06I'll see what I can find for you
05:08I'm sure you could become a romantic idiot
05:10I'm sure you could
05:12Now, Paul, just think
05:15Donald Sutherland did
05:16And he was ugly
05:18Bye, old boy
05:20Lovely evening
05:21Sebastian Groom
05:27I'm just as good-looking as he is
05:29Of course you are, old boy
05:32Of course you are
05:33Do come in
05:34Brenda
05:35Hold my coals for me, will you?
05:38There, huh?
05:38Sit down
05:39Now, listen
05:43I said I'd fish around for something romantic for you
05:47And I think I've come up with just the thing
05:48It's a major
05:50And I mean major romantic role
05:52They want you to do a screen test
05:55Wow, a screen test?
05:57What would they be playing?
05:59Man in disco
06:00Man in disco?
06:05It's a super part
06:06Two big scenes
06:07One where she picks you up in the disco
06:09No
06:09The other one should get you back to her luxury penthouse
06:12Sounds terrific
06:14So, is there a script or anything I should learn
06:17You know, if I'm doing a screen test?
06:18Of course
06:19Of course there is, old boy
06:20Um
06:22Was here somewhere
06:25Um
06:26You aren't sitting on it, Benny Charcy
06:28Oh, no, no
06:30Ah, there it is
06:32There
06:34This?
06:38Yes, they gave me your lines over the phone, you see
06:40I jotted them down for you
06:42I jotted them down for you
06:42And this is my major romantic role, is it?
06:46Twelve words
06:46Robert
06:48There are no small parts
06:50Only small actors
06:51Twelve very important words
06:54Hi
06:55That's the entire disco scene
06:59Nobody says much in a disco
07:01Nice place you've got
07:04Oh, that's when you're back in the luxury penthouse
07:06Yes, yes
07:08That's when you're kissing her
07:09Here is my member
07:12No, no
07:19Number
07:22When a husband comes back, you try and slip me a phone number
07:28Look, I'm sorry, Desmond
07:31I'm not doing this
07:32What?
07:33A screen test for twelve words
07:35It's a big American company
07:37I am not prostituting my talent for twelve words, Desmond
07:40They're offering you three thousand pounds
07:43I don't care, I'm a serious actor
07:48It's the quality of work that's important to me
07:50And Kim Basinger's playing the girl
07:52Where is this screen test?
07:56Are you okay for time?
07:58Yeah, the studio's only round the corner
08:00I wish you'd let me choose your clothes for the screen test
08:03No, please, let me just relax
08:05Don't look at me like that
08:20You look ridiculous
08:22It's a disco scene
08:23You're supposed to wear tight trousers on a disco
08:25Show the girlies what you've got
08:27I'm here by the looks of it
08:30Those old things are far too tight for you
08:32You're not
08:33Then you might have that old lady help you to the table
08:36She thought you were disabled
08:37Oh, no
08:41Robert, hi
08:44Long time no see you
08:46Sebastian, hi
08:48Mind if I join you?
08:49Er, yeah, well, actually, we're just
08:51Of course not
08:52Come on, Robert, budge up
08:53There's room for another
08:54Thanks
08:55Nice to meet you
09:03Sue, Sue Bishop
09:04My fiancée
09:06Like you know
09:07Sebastian Groom
09:09Robert and I were at college together
09:12She knows
09:12I've seen you a lot on the telly
09:14You're doing very well
09:16Ah, well, it's a good profession, acting
09:18You should have stuck at it, Robert
09:19I'd have to walk out
09:21I'm just very fussy about what roles I choose
09:24Oh, right
09:25Er, are you up to anything at the moment, Sebastian?
09:29Well, it's only a small part
09:29But, er, it's Kim Bassenger
09:32So, well, I expect every good-looking actor in London's up for this one
09:35Yeah
09:35You hear more of it?
09:38Well, I'm up for it as well
09:40I don't know
09:41Is it a comedy?
09:43I know what, no
09:44Well, whatever it is
09:46It's bound to be different from the last thing I did
09:48Oh, what was that then?
09:49A remake of a headache
09:50Can you believe it?
09:51The first guy they got looked awful even after he'd taken a coat
09:54Do you believe that?
09:56No
09:57I don't think we're at a war
09:59There you go, I'd better be going
10:02Are you sure?
10:03You've got plenty time
10:04No, no, no, no, really
10:05Best of luck, pal
10:07Thanks
10:08Rubber, is it?
10:17Felicity Turner
10:22Can't speak to me
10:23Saw you in Equus
10:27No
10:27Super, I thought
10:29Super
10:29I said to myself
10:31Now that boy's got something
10:33It's a horse
10:36Mmm
10:37Super horse
10:39So, cancel it
10:40I've got to see you today
10:42Miss Marcia Blake
10:44Head of their London operations
10:46Now you won't let me down, will you
10:48There's a laugh
10:49She's loathed everyone so far
10:51Loathed them
10:52Your problem is that you don't understand how busy I am
10:56She's so rude
10:58Great
10:59I don't care
11:00And she's having trouble with her teeth
11:02Which makes her a bit...
11:04I will be there at four o'clock at your surgery
11:07You just make sure that you're there
11:08Who are you?
11:21Robert Nielsen
11:22Robert Nielsen
11:27Okay
11:31You want to tell us about this short film you just made?
11:35Uh, short film
11:36Your agent has it down here
11:39Says you're the only guy in it
11:40A moving study of a man consumed by pain and depression
11:45Uh, no, that's a headache ad
11:49Uh, my agent tends to be a bit of, uh
11:52Of an asshole
11:53Okay, you've done nothing decent
11:58Let's do the test
12:00Uh, what about Miss Bassenger?
12:09We're testing you
12:10Not her, Mr, uh
12:12Nielsen
12:13She has casting approval
12:16Oh, right
12:16Uh, so, uh
12:17Who's doing the scene with me then?
12:19I am
12:20The only way to test an actor
12:24Is to act with him
12:25That way you can tell what their body language is saying
12:27Help, I should think
12:28Roll tape
12:33So, you're dancing
12:37Trying to dance
12:45And the girl comes up to you and says
12:49Oh, hi there, big fella
12:52Hi
12:55You sure is one hell of a sexy guy
12:59Ooh, I just gotta wrap my arms around you and kiss you
13:04Until your mouth aches
13:06Your lips crack
13:08And your tongue dries
13:10You want to dance
13:12Good, good, no
13:13Stop
13:16Now, stop the tape
13:18You don't say anything, Robert
13:21You're just not
13:22Uh, yeah, yeah
13:22Sorry, sorry
13:23Oh, do you want to try that bit again?
13:25We ain't got time to screw around
13:28What about going on to the, uh
13:31Scene in the girl's apartment?
13:32Now, we're standing
13:38Real close
13:39That's it
13:43And you say
13:45Nice place you've got here
13:51Who cares about the place?
13:53Can't you see that I want you?
13:55I want you so much
13:57I want a big boy like you
14:01Oh, kiss me
14:04I think these are yours
14:17Hi, Robbie, I'm home
14:22Another repeat fee
14:27You said you were going to send them back and get a proper fee
14:35Yes, I will
14:36Hey, look, Sebastian's invited us to a party this Saturday, yeah?
14:43I'm not going
14:44But he's invited us
14:46Yeah, and you know why?
14:47So they can have a good laugh about my screen test
14:49I'm sure they won't
14:51Yeah, I can just hear them
14:51Oh, hi, Robbie
14:52Swallowed any good teeth lately?
14:55Robbie, it was nearly a week ago now
14:57Besides, there's no reason why anyone should know
15:00Everyone will know, they always do
15:01Well, I'd enjoy a good party
15:04I mean, you need one after a week's teaching
15:06Hello?
15:11Robert? Desmond?
15:12Had to let you know immediately
15:13You've got it
15:15What?
15:16The passenger woman's seen all the tests and
15:18You're the one she wants
15:20She thinks you're ideal
15:25Unbelievable
15:27I'm on the other line
15:32Robert, what are you doing?
15:37I've got the part
15:39Brilliant
15:40Done, Robbie
15:42She's chosen me personally
15:44Kim Basinger
15:46She's seen my tape
15:47And, okay, I choked up in that woman's teeth
15:49But she has seen the real me
15:54The power, the passion
15:55The sheer animal magnetism
15:58Yes, but don't get carried away
16:00Just think what it could lead to
16:02I could be our next leading man
16:03Mickey Rourke
16:04Move over
16:05I could be in the next nine and a half weeks
16:08Only if they call it four and a half minutes
16:11Yes
16:13I knew I could make it as a sex symbol, Sue
16:19I just knew it
16:20Robert?
16:21I just can't wait to tell him it's Sebastian's party on Saturday
16:24Sebastian's party?
16:26Oh, yes
16:26Just you wait till you see the look on his face when I tell him
16:29Sebastian
16:29Kim
16:30I mean, Kim's almighty
16:35And that was it
16:37She loved me
16:38Because, you see, the thing was that I grabbed her attention
16:41Grabbed her attention
16:42And wouldn't let go
16:43I know, she fails
16:45You see, the thing is that some men and women simply have a sexual chemistry
16:50And I just happen to have that sexual chemistry with the most beautiful woman in the world
16:56I can't explain it
16:57It's beyond me
16:58And do you know how she described me when she saw my teeth?
17:02Do you know what she said?
17:03Sausage on a stick
17:04That's a good description
17:06Ideal
17:08She described me as ideal
17:10I am sorry, Sebastian
17:12Who's he cornered now?
17:14My sister, Sophie
17:15None of her mates
17:16It's okay
17:17He's been like this for days
17:18And he isn't filming till next Friday
17:20I can't take much more
17:22It's all right
17:23Now he's ruined your party
17:25I'm sorry
17:26Well, not entirely
17:27At least he brought you
17:32Eh?
17:33Oh
17:33Soon
17:35I think you're fantastic
17:38You are?
17:39I mean
17:39I can't stop thinking about it
17:42Sebastian, I'm engaged
17:44Yes
17:44To that git over there
17:46He's not a git
17:48Well, not normally
17:53Normally is all right
17:54You're beautiful
17:55Sebastian, please
17:56You are, you're beautiful
17:57I bet he never tells you that, does he?
18:00Look, I'm going to go and rescue your sister, Sebastian
18:03Does he?
18:04I'm sorry
18:04And even though it's only two scenes
18:07It's obviously the central relationship of the film
18:10Which is why it needs our sexual chemistry
18:13You with me?
18:14We've been with you for days
18:15Robert, sorry to interrupt, but then
18:19I think we ought to be going
18:20Going?
18:23The party hasn't even begun to take off yet
18:25That's why we ought to go
18:27We've got a chance to
18:28Sue?
18:29Sophie, there's a Jehovah's Witness at the door
18:32We'd like to speak to you
18:33Great
18:34Excuse us
18:36What are you doing?
18:38Stop talking about her
18:40Who?
18:41Come on, we're going
18:42You know you've done nothing but bore people rigid
18:46Blum, send half of them into the garden
18:49People like going into the garden at parties
18:52Not when it's raining
18:53Come on
18:56Sorry, excuse us
18:58You've just grabbed people and gone on after them
19:01You've never stopped
19:02You've shown no mercy
19:03No mercy?
19:05It's a good film, that
19:06Richard Gere and Kim Basinger
19:08I believe
19:08Give us a kiss
19:12Wouldn't you rather do the washing up?
19:16No
19:16Please
19:18You know you're obsessed with Kim Basinger
19:22Ever since you found out you've been obsessed
19:24I am not
19:25Okay, I went a bit far at the party
19:28But I've been alright since then
19:29You watch nine and a half weeks, six times on Tuesday
19:32Just part of an actor's normal preparation, that's all
19:37Come on, give us a kiss
19:39I don't feel like kissing you, Robert
19:43Oh go on, love you, do love you
19:45I'm alright then
19:51Oh hang on, need to let her go
19:55No, not that again
20:01Not with that thing on, no
20:03Sue
20:04I'm sorry, not again
20:06Just once more
20:07Come on, it helps me prepare
20:08Robert
20:09It tells me where I'm going wrong
20:11I know where you're going wrong
20:12Having that thing in the flat
20:13With my technique
20:15We've used it before
20:16We've been using it all week
20:17I know
20:17I've seen the playbacks
20:19Look, when I watch telly
20:20I want to be entertained
20:22I do not want to watch two hours of us
20:24Snogging on our sofa
20:25Complete with slow motion
20:27Action replay
20:28And you wondering if your tongue's in the right place
20:31Please
20:37No
20:39Look, it's already caused us enough trouble as it is
20:42I said I was sorry about that
20:44It was an accident
20:45I didn't mean to mix up our tape with nine and a half weeks when I took it back to the video
20:49Oh, well
20:51And I had no idea one of your pupils would take it out next
20:55Shouldn't have been allowed to
20:58He's underage, he's breaking the law
21:00He's also breaking the law making pirate copies
21:03I've even had the headmaster on about it
21:05Did he buy a copy?
21:07He'd confiscated one
21:09Said he was very disappointed
21:10Didn't go far enough for him
21:13Robert
21:15Look, please
21:17Just one last go
21:19Come on, I'm filming tomorrow
21:21No
21:22Please
21:23Well, you'll have to brush your teeth first
21:29Right
21:29You stink of garlic
21:34Sorry
21:34Put rather a lot in the spaghetti sauce
21:36Suppose it wouldn't have been so bad if I'd had some
21:39You put garlic in the spaghetti sauce
21:48I always put garlic in the spaghetti sauce
21:51Twelve hours before I'm due to kiss Kim Batsinger
21:54And you put garlic in the spaghetti sauce
21:58Goodness sake
21:59I'll never get rid of it in time
22:01Well, I can just say it now
22:02The big love scene of my career
22:04And she's wearing a gas mask
22:05I'm not gonna do it
22:10You've ruined my career
22:11My whole career builds up to this moment
22:13And you've ruined it
22:14Because you just don't think about me
22:15You just don't care
22:16Of course I care
22:17You can get rid of it
22:19How?
22:19How?
22:20Well, yeah, I know
22:20I know
22:21I'll try
22:21Yeah, but it won't work
22:23I'll tell you
22:23Because this stuff lingers
22:24It lingers in your stomach
22:25Robert, what are you doing?
22:31I've just gackled
22:32With Doberman
22:33Hello
22:38Robert?
22:39This is Desmond
22:40Just a swing note
22:41You wish you luck for tomorrow
22:42Oh, I like the husky voice
22:45Where is that?
22:46I just gackled
22:47With Doberman
22:47Burnt my mouth
22:49Things you actors do for a job
22:50Well, I must press on
22:53Bye
22:54Robert
22:56I smell of garlicky dog dew now
23:01Look, stop working yourself up
23:04You're being ridiculous
23:05Just shut up
23:05Just shut up, will you?
23:06It was you that got me into this
23:07In the first place
23:08I've taken this
23:10Yeah, that's right
23:12Just clear off and leave me
23:13I'm going to bed
23:15And don't bother to join me
23:17I'm coming
23:23Alright, I'm coming
23:29Hi
23:33I was just passing
23:35So I brought you these
23:38Is Robert in?
23:42You know he is
23:43And he's filming
23:43Oh, yeah
23:45Of course he is
23:46Early start, eh?
23:48I don't know when he went
23:49He didn't come to bed last night
23:50We had a row, if you must know
23:54Oh, I'm sorry
23:56Shall I
23:58Come in and arrange them for you?
24:05Okay, guys
24:06Moving on
24:07Okay, okay, okay
24:21We're ready to use you
24:23Alright, fine
24:23Alright, this is it
24:25Is there a dog in here?
24:28I don't know
24:28I don't know
24:29Weird
24:31Just remember now
24:34Don't screw this up
24:35Right
24:36This scene is crucial to the movie
24:37Her relationship with you
24:38Is absolutely central to the whole piece
24:40We've got to see her fall
24:41Helplessly in love with you
24:43Because only then do we realize
24:48That she's going mad
24:49This is the story
24:51Of a beautiful woman's descent
24:52Into insanity
24:53And it's only when we see her with you
24:55Someone so
24:56Totally
24:57Incredibly
25:00Unsuitable
25:03That we realize
25:05Just how far gone
25:06She already is
25:07Oh, come on
25:08Don't look worried
25:09You look perfect
25:11One thing
25:13Cut the sexy voice
25:15I like that high-pitched
25:16Wimpy one
25:16It's crazy
25:18Diddly diddly diddly diddly
25:20Diddly diddly
25:21Oh, God, not again
25:28Sue?
25:34Sue?
25:36Sue?
25:40Hello, Robert
25:41How did you get on?
25:51Oh, great
25:52Terrific
25:53Set the screen alight
25:54Oh, torrid
25:55Good
25:57Uh, what's the
26:01Why all the flowers?
26:04Oh, those
26:05Sebastian brought them round
26:07Sebastian?
26:09Yes, you know
26:10For me
26:11Why?
26:14Oh, because
26:14He wanted me to go to bed with him
26:17Sebastian?
26:26Yes
26:26You didn't, did you?
26:36Why?
26:36You wouldn't mind, would you?
26:38Oh, well
26:38Not when you've got Kim Wonderlips
26:42Lusting after you
26:43I've not got Kim Wonderlips
26:44Lusting after me
26:45She's an actress
26:47You're my girlfriend
26:47Funny
26:48Seemed the other way around recently
26:50Kim's the one who understands you
26:52Kim's the one you have real
26:54Sexual chemistry with
26:55And I'm just the stand-in
26:56Who gets to rehearse a bit
26:58Of course I didn't
27:07Robbie
27:08How could I?
27:10No
27:10No
27:12No, no, no
27:14You couldn't
27:15Because even though I'm a bit of a prat
27:17Deep down you still love me
27:19I couldn't
27:19Because even though you are a bit of a prat
27:21I had to get to school
27:23I have work too, you know
27:26You didn't show up till 7.30
27:27Oh
27:28It's just the same as you are
27:30Things were there for the taking
27:31Whenever you're ready
27:32And we're not
27:32Yeah
27:33Oh, I know
27:34You never ask about my work, do you?
27:37How I'm getting on
27:38What I'm getting up to
27:38Nothing
27:39I asked you about your teaching
27:41Two months ago
27:42You were auditioning for Grange Hill
27:45Sorry
27:48If it's not acting
27:50You're just not interested, Robbie
27:51And that's not fair
27:52If you're going to become this
27:54Romantic sex symbol
27:56I'm not
27:57I'm not
27:57What?
27:59It was awful
28:00Didn't Kim like you?
28:02No, she thought I was great
28:03But we weren't playing the romantic couple
28:06She was playing a mad woman
28:08And I was playing her prat
28:09Oh, Robbie, that's awful
28:14Made a bit of a fool of myself
28:17Oh, I think you're just fine
28:20And you're very romantic
28:21Well, cover me in Doberman, baby
28:24And let's get to it
28:25I did the day
28:30And I'm like
28:32A high silk pattern
28:34A silver cane
28:35For what you go
28:35With a diamond chain
28:36Hi, diddle-dee-doo
28:38You sleep till on the tomb
28:40You're growing up
28:41With a big cigar
28:42You're sure to work
28:43And a great big heart
28:44Your diamond chain
28:45And you are
28:46An actor's life's alone
28:49If we could pick and choose
28:51And later wasn't a factor
28:53There's a bit of news
28:55I think the life of an actor
28:57For what you're doing
28:59Hi, diddle-dee-doo
29:00You sleep till after two
29:02You promenade
29:03With a big cigar
29:04You tour the world
29:05With a great big car
29:06You die on chicken and caviar
29:08An actor's life for me
29:12Comely
29:14Black
29:191
29:205
29:201
29:211
29:242
29:243
29:242
29:253
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