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00:00There is one thing that makes
00:29this being a man difficult, and it's quite prominently positioned.
00:37Wasn't it enough that it's the single most humiliating, stupid object in all of anatomy?
00:43Did it have to be inflatable?
00:47Look, look, I know, I know. Look, I promise.
00:52And did it have to be the most unreliable body part in history?
00:55The lady is willing, the moment is right.
00:57You look down, and suddenly it's the witch's death scene from The Wizard of Oz.
01:01For God's sake, don't you trust me?
01:04I was married to you. Of course I don't trust you.
01:07By contrast, of course, there is the mourning phenomenon.
01:10You wake up, you glance down, and there it is.
01:13The dawn salute.
01:15A man starts every day in life wondering what the hell he's just missed.
01:18You need to talk.
01:20Our lawyers talk, Mark.
01:22Well, mine's certifiable, and I've got yours in casualty.
01:25I think direct communication is called for, don't you?
01:28I'm at work.
01:29It's your afternoon off.
01:30It's the afternoon. I work from home.
01:32Exactly.
01:33Anyway, I promised I'd visit Tracy. She's a bit upset at the moment.
01:36She's having trouble with Robert.
01:38You're making excuses, and you know it.
01:40Well, I'm not coming to the flat.
01:42Becky!
01:43A pub or something, all right? Some of those people.
01:46What exactly do you think I'm going to do?
01:48A pub. The one in Tower Winning Street. Half an hour, okay?
01:52I hate that place. You know I hate that place.
01:54Too bad. And, Mark, I'm warning you, if you try any sort of come on,
02:00if you so much as smile once too often,
02:03if any sexually motivated thought even considers the possibility
02:07of crossing that tiny patch of waste ground you call a mind,
02:11I will end your life in the most excruciating manner conceivable
02:15over a period of several days.
02:17You will beg for death. Understood?
02:23She's so sexy.
02:27But there is a worse horror, one of which few men speak.
02:37Something. Something terrible.
02:51Hello, this is Mark. Leave a message at the tone. I'll get back to you.
02:57Mark, it's Robert. If Tracy happens to call looking for me,
03:00could you do me a favour?
03:12Something so awful, it can shorten a man's life and scar his very soul.
03:18PHONE RINGS
03:22Hello.
03:23Hi, Alan. It's Tracy. Could I speak to Robert?
03:25The silly's left his wallet at home.
03:26He's just nipped out the office, Trace.
03:28I don't think he's planned on coming back.
03:30Oh.
03:32An experience of such terrible shame
03:35that it is seared into your mind forever.
03:38That'll be £2.50, Jason.
03:48Just a Coke, please.
03:54I am talking, of course, of the unwanted, unprovoked, immovable...
03:58Put it all in the file, and we'll see to it on Monday, OK?
04:12First thing, I've got to go.
04:17Right now.
04:22Hi.
04:25What's this up?
04:26I'm not. Honest.
04:28Look, I'm sorry. You were right.
04:29I do have stuff to pick up at the flat,
04:31and I know you hate this place. Shall we go?
04:33Er, in a minute.
04:35What?
04:36I just want to sit here for a bit.
04:39Look, the flat would be fine, and I know you can't stand this place.
04:42Oh, I think I can, actually. You know, for a bit.
04:47What's the matter?
04:48Nothing.
04:50I'm just enjoying myself here.
04:51Enjoying yourself?
04:52Don't make me prove it.
04:54OK, what's the crisis?
04:55Why should there be a crisis?
04:57Well, something strained the blood from your face.
05:00What do you mean by that?
05:02Oh, right. Fine.
05:04Did you want ice for that?
05:05Oh, for God's sake, why does everybody think I've got an erection?
05:07It's OK.
05:08Misunderstanding.
05:09I don't believe it.
05:10I'm sorry.
05:11I really don't believe it.
05:12I'm sorry.
05:13We were married for five years, and now it happens.
05:14There's nothing to do with you.
05:15I just sort of arrived.
05:16Well, get rid of it.
05:17What am I supposed to do with it?
05:18What am I supposed to do with it?
05:19Now he asks.
05:20Still?
05:21Yes.
05:22How much longer?
05:23Well, you know, the usual amount.
05:24Oh, I see.
05:25Sorry.
05:26I don't know.
05:27A bit.
05:28This is becoming acutely embarrassing.
05:29It is.
05:30A bit.
05:31I shouldn't have been to you.
05:32I get rid of it.
05:33What am I supposed to do with it?
05:34Now, he asks.
05:35Still?
05:37Yes.
05:38How much longer?
05:40Well, you know, the usual amount.
05:45Oh, I see.
05:46Sorry.
05:47I don't know.
05:48A bit.
05:50This is becoming acutely embarrassing.
05:53Do you think you've got any evidence?
05:57Cutely embarrassing. We're going to have to leave.
05:59Well, we'll just have to wait it out, OK?
06:02Here.
06:03What?
06:03Get up and put this over it.
06:05What's a contract by the door?
06:07I was thinking more along the lines of concealment, actually, so we can leave.
06:11Oh, right.
06:15What, can we just wait here?
06:19Thanks.
06:21Men are disgusting.
06:24But there's something else.
06:25Something in its own awful way, yet more humiliating.
06:46A dark and vengeful god looked down and saw that our humiliation was not enough.
06:51Yet more shame, yet more ghastly embarrassment was necessary.
06:55So, this dark and vengeful god got together with some other dark and vengeful gods and said,
07:09Listen, girls.
07:10So, they already look dumb when they're aroused, but how about this?
07:20Let's make them put a balloon on it.
07:21Robert?
07:31Oh, my God.
07:33I mean...
07:34Hello.
07:35Robert, hello.
07:38I'm not really here.
07:41I'm at the office.
07:42Right.
07:42Sure.
07:43So, er, you two together, eh?
07:49That's nice.
07:50Strictly business, I'm afraid.
07:53Great.
07:55Well, I'm just going to the toilet, in case you're wondering.
08:00I happen to be passing.
08:02Just thought I'd nip in and, you know, go.
08:05That's all, actually.
08:07Just need to have a bit of a pee.
08:09Well, would you like a drink?
08:11No, no.
08:12I think I manage.
08:16So, er...
08:18Have you two been to the toilet at all?
08:21Well, don't leave it too late.
08:24Thanks for that.
08:25Keep it in mind, Robert.
08:28How's Tracy?
08:30Okay, I should think she went first thing this morning.
08:34That's quite a good phone and reminder.
08:36I'm sure that won't be necessary.
08:38Well, no, of course not.
08:40Nine times out of ten.
08:42As long as there are no sudden noises.
08:44She doesn't think of anything funny.
08:47I just wish she wouldn't watch those cartoons with the kids.
08:51Set such a bad example.
08:53Dill wants a carpet.
08:56Yeah.
08:59Anyway, er...
09:00See you in a moment.
09:04Brilliant.
09:04That did it.
09:05There's definitely something wrong.
09:07Well, isn't he always like that?
09:09Tracy says he hardly talks to her anymore.
09:11Just sort of grunts now and then.
09:12Yeah?
09:13Anyway, look.
09:14Why don't you go in and talk to him and see what you can find out?
09:16What, in the toilets?
09:17Why don't men do that?
09:19Because I'm here to talk to you.
09:20Well, I just made a condition.
09:23Hi.
09:23I...
09:24I...
09:25I thought it was a urinal.
09:45Well, I've got to take some of it.
09:48Oh, look.
09:50You've got change.
09:51Ah, yes.
09:52Well, um...
09:52Tricky things to put on, aren't they?
09:54Especially the first time.
09:55Hmm, yes.
09:56Do you know, a mate of mine warned me I should practice on my own.
09:59You mean you'd been practicing on his?
10:00What are you so embarrassed about?
10:04I mean, you know, frankly, I've always suspected you and Tracy of having sex.
10:08The children, they were my first clue.
10:10Still, they're easily prevented.
10:12Sorry, yeah, being a bit stupid, I suppose.
10:17A bit?
10:18I always get, you know, embarrassed about this sort of thing.
10:23Silly, really.
10:25Listen, um, Becky was wondering, is anything wrong?
10:29Oh, of course not.
10:34It is tricky putting them on, isn't it?
10:37So, make it an occasion.
10:39Ever had it done by mouth?
10:42Well, actually, Tracy suggested that once.
10:45Yeah?
10:46Gave it a try.
10:46It's good, eh?
10:47Don't really know, actually.
10:48I couldn't reach.
10:50Put my back out and swallowed the condom.
10:53I think the idea is that Tracy does it.
10:55No, I did suggest that once.
10:57She punched me and phoned Mother.
10:59She phoned you Mother?
11:00No, mine.
11:01Did I get a talking to?
11:04I'll tell you this.
11:05Every time we have sex now, I just thank God she's on the pill.
11:12Ah, right, yes.
11:14Look, Robert...
11:15Must be off.
11:15Gotta go.
11:16See you around, Mark.
11:17Bye now.
11:22Robert!
11:23What's he doing?
11:41Look what he found in the gents.
11:43But, Mark...
11:45Tracy's on the pill.
11:47I think she should tell you.
11:48Oh, there must be an explanation for this.
11:50Can't fault you so far.
11:52Maybe he just went in there for a pee and...
11:55And thought he'd wear one of these instead.
11:57Yeah, actually, it reminds me of mine needs changing.
12:00Listen, and don't tell Tracy about any of this, OK?
12:03Why should I?
12:04Well, just don't.
12:05She's really wound up at the moment and she doesn't need this.
12:08Could be a perfectly innocent explanation.
12:11You reckon?
12:12What is this?
12:14Do adulterers stick together?
12:15Or is that just what you tell each other?
12:18No, no, no, Becky.
12:19We're supposed to be talking.
12:20Later.
12:21What is this?
12:21Yeah.
12:52Hello?
12:58Hello, is Robert there?
12:59He's not, no.
13:01Is there something wrong?
13:02His wife's been phoning him all afternoon.
13:04She has?
13:05Yeah, she's been on about eight times.
13:07He's forgotten his wallet or something, but she sounds very worked up about it.
13:09His wallet?
13:10So, what did you tell her?
13:12Well, I said he's not here.
13:14Listen, I haven't landed Robin yet, have I?
13:17Probably, yeah.
13:18Oh, God.
13:20Anyway, thanks.
13:20I've got to go.
13:21Look, if she phones again, do I tell her he's here?
13:24Well, she'll want to speak to him.
13:25Oh, I can take the call.
13:26It's Tracy.
13:27All you have to do is grunt every few minutes.
13:29I take over when Robert goes to the toilet.
13:31Fine.
13:32I can't believe I've done this to him.
13:34She'll chop him up.
13:35Well, part of him.
13:36Why no, thanks.
13:39Okay, I'm not involved in this.
13:42I don't have to be, and I'm not going to be.
13:44I am not involved.
13:45Mark, it's Robert.
13:48If Tracy happens to call looking for me, could you do me a favour?
13:51Could you tell her I was with you all afternoon?
13:53I'll explain later.
13:54Bye.
13:57Hello?
13:58Hi, Mark.
13:59It's Tracy.
14:00Is Robert there?
14:00Shit!
14:03I'm sorry.
14:03I was thinking of something else.
14:05Oh, right.
14:06So is Robert there?
14:07No.
14:07Yes.
14:08No.
14:09Yes.
14:10What?
14:11I'm sorry, Tracy.
14:12He is here.
14:13I was just blinking.
14:15Well, could I speak to him?
14:17Well, actually, he's just leaving.
14:20Well, I need to talk to him now.
14:21It's very important.
14:23Well, apparently there's some sort of big emergency at work, and...
14:26Hang on.
14:28He's just telling me he'll phone you later.
14:31Could you tell him?
14:32It really is important that he comes to the phone straight away.
14:36He heard that as well, but he says he really does have to get back to the office.
14:40Well, could you just ask him to make up his mind, which is more important?
14:43The office or me?
14:45Ah, right.
14:46Did he hear that?
14:48Uh, yes.
14:49Well?
14:49Well, give him a chance.
14:50He's thinking about it.
14:51Oh, Robert.
14:53Robert, you big, horrid, silly.
14:55You horrid, horrid...
14:56No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
14:56He was joking, for God's sake.
14:58He's just having one of his jokes.
14:59You know Robert.
15:00Robert, will you come to the phone at once?
15:02Jesus!
15:06Did he hear that?
15:06Probably.
15:08Which is more impressive than you think.
15:09Well?
15:10Just a moment, okay?
15:11Just, just stay right there.
15:14Okay, this isn't a problem.
15:15She's going to tell me about my wallet.
15:17I'm going to grunt now and then.
15:18I can do that.
15:20I can grunt about a wallet.
15:22She talks, I grunt.
15:23I can do this.
15:26Here he is, Tracy.
15:27Here's Robert.
15:33Mm-hmm.
15:34Robert, you've got your work voice on.
15:37Hmm.
15:39Anyway, I thought you ought to know, you've left your wallet at home.
15:43Ah, hmm.
15:44And there's something else, Robert.
15:46Hmm?
15:47I'm leaving you.
15:52Oh.
15:57Well, have you anything to say?
16:00Ah.
16:02I mean it, you know.
16:04I've had enough.
16:05I mean, we just don't talk anymore, Robert, do we?
16:07Hmm, ah.
16:11Robert, say something.
16:13Hmm?
16:14Right.
16:15That's it.
16:15It's over.
16:16It's completely over.
16:18When you get home, I will not be here.
16:23Ah.
16:26And I'm taking the children.
16:28They're coming with me, Robert.
16:29You'll never, ever see them again.
16:33Oh.
16:35Shall I bring them to the phone so you can say goodbye to them?
16:38So you can speak to your son and daughter one last time?
16:41Um, ah.
16:43Oh, Robert.
16:45Can't you even talk to me?
16:48What's happening?
16:51We never talk.
16:52We don't make love anymore.
16:55Our marriage is over.
16:57And I'm very, very upset.
17:03Robert.
17:05Robert, I'm going now.
17:07Forever.
17:07I can't believe you're being so horrid.
17:10No, no, wait, wait.
17:11Robert?
17:16Robert?
17:18Sorry about that.
17:20Bit confused there.
17:21Very bad line.
17:23What?
17:24So, all right?
17:26No.
17:27I'm upset.
17:28I'm upset.
17:29Well, of course you are.
17:30I'm very sorry about that.
17:32My fault.
17:34Yes, it is.
17:35Look, um, obviously I love you very much and, um, I don't want you to, you know, leave or anything.
17:43Look, I'll phone you later with some more details.
17:47Oh, Robert, it's too late to start talking all romantic.
17:52What's that?
17:53Oh, there's someone on the other line.
17:55It'll be my sister.
17:56I'm going to be staying with her.
17:58Just one moment.
17:59Hello?
18:01Uh, hello, Trace.
18:02It's, uh, Alan at the office.
18:04Uh, sorry, I was wrong.
18:06Uh, Robert is here.
18:11Oh.
18:12Do you want a word with him?
18:13Well, um...
18:14Oh, hang on.
18:15He's, uh, just popped down the corridor.
18:16Uh, Robert?
18:18Yes?
18:20Do you want a word with Tracee?
18:21A bit busy.
18:23I'll call her back.
18:24He'll call you back.
18:26Just a moment, Alan.
18:30Robert?
18:31Yes?
18:34Where are you?
18:35I'm at Mark's.
18:36You phoned me here.
18:38Was that your sister?
18:39Trace!
18:40Oh!
18:41Oh, sorry, did I give you a fright?
18:42Uh, just a moment.
18:45Becky, come in.
18:45Are you OK?
18:47I'm just a bit confused.
18:49What's wrong?
18:51I'm trying to work out where Robert is.
18:53And I think there's something a bit suspicious.
18:55Oh, I'm sure there isn't.
18:57I'm sure there's a perfectly simple explanation for everything.
19:00Now, promise me you're not going to get yourself worked up.
19:03Um, could you just wait in the kitchen for a minute?
19:07What?
19:07I've just got to sort something out.
19:09I think I'm going to give it, um, a bit, um...
19:12See you in a moment.
19:14Damn!
19:15Robert?
19:17Yes?
19:18You're definitely at Mark's.
19:20Yes.
19:21Hang on.
19:23Now, Alan, Robert's not really there, is he?
19:26Oh, he is, Trace.
19:27Definitely.
19:28He's been here all day.
19:29In fact, he's just come back in.
19:31Want a word?
19:32Well, um...
19:33OK, then.
19:34I'll just pass you over to him now.
19:36OK?
19:36Bye!
19:36Bye!
19:40Mm-hmm.
19:41Robert!
19:42Uh-huh.
19:43But...
19:44But...
19:48Mm?
19:49You left your wallet at home, and I'm leaving you.
19:57Ah.
19:59Is that all you can ever say?
20:01I'm very, very upset.
20:02Oh!
20:03Oh!
20:04Uh...
20:04Trevor just phoned.
20:08Robert's at my house.
20:11Would you like to just...
20:12Just a moment.
20:20Just a moment.
20:24Just a moment.
20:25Just a moment.
20:31Robert?
20:32Uh-huh.
20:36Hello, darling.
20:43I'm not really here.
20:47I'm at the office.
20:48Oh, well, actually, I'm at Mark's.
20:54Soon as I can find my wallet.
20:56Must have put it down somewhere stupid.
21:03Robert?
21:05Hmm?
21:09You forgot your wallet.
21:11Our marriage is over.
21:13And I'm extremely upset.
21:16Ah!
21:17Uh-huh!
21:19Oh!
21:20Bastard!
21:22Bastard!
21:25Bastard!
21:27Bastard!
21:29Oh!
21:31Oh!
21:37Oh!
21:38You're here.
21:40Had to come home unexpectedly.
21:42But I got off pretty lightly.
21:50But where are you going?
21:52Well, you know, things to do and all that.
21:54But what about Tracy?
21:55Oh, she'll be fine.
21:57She's always getting in a state about something these days.
21:59See you later.
22:02Robert!
22:02Robert!
22:05Where's he going?
22:07I don't know.
22:07Um, to work?
22:08Why were you pretending he was at your house?
22:27Why was everyone pretending?
22:30Well, I...
22:31Oh, that's big silly.
22:32He's ever so odd these days, you know.
22:37I think it's time I phoned his parents again.
22:40They always give me a good talking to.
22:43You know where he is, don't you?
22:46Or you wouldn't have been pretending.
22:48Just like Mark.
22:50Just like Alan.
22:51Just like everyone except me.
22:53Look, I...
22:53Becky, where is he?
22:55Of course.
23:06Of course.
23:25You know where he's playing?
23:26With the backing?
23:27Oh, there you go.
23:27Okay.
23:28I think he's on stage.
23:33Hey, Ryan.
23:34Oh, you know here.
23:42Hey, Secretary!
23:43Look, I didn't get to the front of you.
23:45We might beенной.
23:47ỗ über the start!
23:48Okay, so...
23:50You should...
23:51Oh!
23:53Oh...
23:54achiever.
23:54I think a friend of mine came here, which is rather worrying because he forgot these.
24:03I don't know what you're talking about, lad.
24:05Excuse me.
24:06Hey, no! Here, I've got someone in there! No!
24:09Mistress! Yes, mistress!
24:30Mistress!
24:33Robert, what are you doing?
24:35Yes, that's it! You're getting the voice just right!
24:39What?
24:40Call me a silly!
24:41Well, you look like a silly!
24:44Perfect! That's it!
24:46Why are you dressed like that?
24:48To serve!
24:50Oh! Oh, I see. Is this your boss's house?
24:55Worshipful Empress of the Cosmos, is there any humble service your unworthy slave can perform?
25:04Robert!
25:06Anything at all, mistress?
25:08Robert, there are people here.
25:10Do you want me to make love to them?
25:12No, I do not! Now, stop being as silly!
25:14That's it, yes!
25:15I'm ever so cross with you, I really am!
25:17Yes, perfect!
25:18Do you know what I've done? Do you know how cross I am?
25:21Oh, tell me, mistress, tell me!
25:23I've phoned your parents!
25:24Oh, no, not my parents!
25:25Oh!
25:26Spank me now, Empress of Evil!
25:27Well, I might just do that!
25:28I don't care, that's about as much as I can take!
25:29Mark!
25:30Sorry, Robert.
25:31There's something you ought to know.
25:32Tracy!
25:33What?
25:34It's you!
25:35Well, of course it's me!
25:36Who else do you call Empress of Evil?
25:38What is this place?
25:39Um, er...
25:40Well?
25:41It's a kind of brothel, Tracy.
25:42Becky!
25:43A brothel?
25:44You mean...
25:45You mean...
25:46a prostitute?
25:47A prostitute?
25:48Is this why you're never at the office any more, Robert?
25:49Is this why we hardly make love?
25:50Because you're a prostitute?
25:51Is this why you're never at the office any more, Robert?
25:54Is this why we hardly make love?
25:55Because you're a prostitute?
26:00No, love.
26:01No, love.
26:02No, love.
26:03No, love.
26:04I'm the prostitute.
26:05Oh, Christ!
26:06Now, we'd Robert, your parents are here.
26:08Oh, yeah!
26:09Oh, no love.
26:10What?
26:11Oh, no love.
26:12This is why we're never at the office any more, Robert.
26:14I mean?
26:15You mean...
26:16You mean...
26:17...a prostitute?
26:19A prostitute?!
26:20Is this why you're never at the office any more, Robert?
26:21Is this why we hardly make love?
26:24Because you're a prostitute?
26:26No, love.
26:27No, love.
26:28No, love.
26:29How could you do this to me, Robert?
26:36I don't understand. How could you do this to me?
26:40Um, um...
26:42Tell me!
26:43Ah.
26:45Right, Robert. This is the last straw.
26:49I'm leaving you.
26:51Hmm?
26:56Tracy!
26:59No way! Don't go!
27:03Oh, Mark, what's happening?
27:06I don't understand what's happening.
27:11Um, Trace, you can bring my wallet.
27:19Dying flame
27:22You're free again
27:26Who could love
27:30Do that to you
27:34All dressed in black
27:38Won't be coming back
27:43Just save your tears
27:47And I guess, yes
27:51Fooled if you think it's over
27:55Because you said goodbye
28:00Fooled if you think it's over
28:03I'll tell you why
28:06tamanho
28:08Oh
28:08Oh
28:08Oh
28:10Oh
28:13Oh
28:14Oh
28:23Oh
28:27Oh
28:28Oh
28:29Oh
28:29Oh
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29:46
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