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00:00If You Think It's Over
00:30What Would You Do If I Ran Off With Someone Else
00:43I'd Kill Him
00:47You'd Better
01:00No, No Please, No Nothing, No
01:23So, What Is All This Stuff About Respect For The Dead?
01:34Smelly Green Bustards
01:35I Mean, Don't Get Me Wrong, I've Got Nothing Against Dead People
01:46But You Should See The Church Yards Around Our Way
01:49Whole Families Of Them
01:50And What About The Pollution Thing?
01:55Have You Seen The Amount Of Smoke They Produce?
01:59For Me, The Only Good Dead Guy
02:02Is A...
02:04How Do You Get Four Dead People In A Mini?
02:23Ram it
02:23Want To Hear A Dead Guy Knock Knock Joke?
02:44Knock Knock
02:45Knock Knock
02:47Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock
03:04Knock Knock Knock
03:07Do You...
03:08Fantasise?
03:09Mark?
03:09to size? Mark? Well, about sex. No. About death. This incident this morning has obviously disturbed
03:26you a great deal. I find that interesting. Well, of course I was disturbed. He was dead.
03:34Of course, he was very old and all that, but look, I was only explaining why I was late.
03:39I wanted to talk about my divorce. Since Becky left, have you been experiencing death fantasies?
03:50Murder fantasies. I seem to have hit a nerve there, haven't I, Mark? I really don't see
03:59the relevance. What about this man your wife went off with, Trevor? Do you fantasize murdering
04:06him? Shooting him, perhaps? Stabbing him? Poisoning him? Murder fantasies are quite normal in
04:22your situation, Mark. Your wife is leaving you, your manhood is threatened, you're being emasculated.
04:29Incapitation, strangulation, garrotting, murder by fire, murder by drowning, post-mortem mutilation.
04:42These are normal healthy urges. Or am I just being a bit of a freak? Are you going to let yourself
05:01be castrated, Mark? No, no. Find somebody else. Mark. Mark. I'm talking about castration as part
05:09of divorce. She gets those, too. Are you going to take it lying down? Well, I think an erection's
05:16out of the question. I was speaking figuratively, Mark. Right. Right. Come. What I want us to
05:28do is to plan Trevor's murder. Now, go with me on this, Mark. Go with me. How are you going
05:35to do it? Where? What implement are you going to use? How are you going to dispose of the corpse
05:41dismemberment? Muriel? Acid bath? Mark, trust me. This is all relevant to your divorce. Look,
05:48I really don't feel comfortable talking to you about murdering my wife's lover. Really?
05:55Why not? Well, you're a lawyer. You're a lawyer. You know what? I've been divorced four times
06:02myself. I'm on your side. I'm on your side. I'm on your side. You're a lawyer. You're
06:09a lawyer. You're a lawyer. I've been divorced four times myself. I'm on your side. I'm on
06:27you're a lawyer. Out of his mind.
06:57Ready? Aim.
07:27Now, then, you take half a pint of water, you see? And you put it in a pirate's bowl.
07:44Gently taking your knife. You gently start at the middle and scoop. Scoop round and round
07:50round and round. Now, over to Marjorie while she chops the carrots.
07:57That's clever. Lots of violence on the telly, Trevor. Do you know why? There's too many
08:15dead bastards wanting parts. I didn't even feel my lips move. I can't feel my lips.
08:26That isn't you. I thought it was you. What was that? A bottle of beer? Shit ungood. What? Trevor, you're
08:55drunk. Little Trevor, the wife stealer, eh? What do you want? You're really pissed, aren't
09:02you? Can I come in? You can come in. As soon as you stop shagging my wife. Oh, for your
09:08sake. Sober up, Mark. She's not even here. I didn't mean now, you stupid little... Where
09:13are you going? Does that give you any sort of hint? Wouldn't a light switch be easier.
09:20Get out of my flat, you repulsive midget. We need to talk, Mark. Where did you get this
09:35objectionable little object? He rang the doorbell. Mark, I'm not going to rise to your juvenile
09:42humour. I'm sorry. As a matter of fact, it's a childhood toy of Becky's. Oh, I'll take
09:49it home to her. Not that she'll be there, of course. Hardly ever is these days. Mark, I've
09:57got something to show you. It's important for the both of us. I think she'll get some coffee
10:03down you first. Get out of my flat. Mark, listen. Out! It's about Becky. Is she all right? Coffee.
10:15Mine's white with two sugars. You little shit.
10:33You little shit. You little shit. You little shit. You little shit. You little shit.
10:38By the way, in case you're worrying, I didn't tell anyone I was coming here, so nobody knows
10:43where I am. Obviously, it could be embarrassing for you. Well, for both of us.
11:03Mark, have you got a knife? I'm just going to the toilet. Lock the door.
11:26Mr. Taylor? Yes? Dr. Strickland, I'm here about the death certificate. I had no idea I
11:47needed one. I'm sorry? You're a bit early. Shhh. He'll hear you. Well, come in. Come in.
11:57Actually, I'm several hours late. No, no, no. Lots of time. Lots of time. Just wait there.
12:08Look, where is he? Death certificate? I thought he was selling the flat where you found him. Shhh.
12:15The nurse who phoned me, I think she lives in the block somewhere, she said there were
12:20no surviving relatives and you had the flat key. Sorry? I was just wondering where the deceased
12:28is now. Oh, right. He's in the toilet. What? He's in the toilet, just over there.
12:38Exactly how drunk are you? No, really. He's in the bathroom, honest. For Christ's sake.
12:44You can't keep a dead body in your bathtub. Bathtub? How could you? Sorry? How could you use that
12:57toilet? Don't you think that's in very poor taste? Well... Not to mention incredibly unhygienic. Sorry?
13:05Do you realise that entire room is going to have to be scrubbed and disinfected?
13:10Couldn't we just use an air freshener?
13:13We're talking about a serious health risk. Look, I'm really sorry.
13:20Look, what the hell's going on in this place? I've never encountered behaviour like this before.
13:26I'm going to wait. In the kitchen.
13:32Well, don't touch any food. Your body could be leaking fluids all over the place.
13:38I'll be careful. What?
13:44Does nobody here take anything seriously?
13:47I know what you're thinking. But that isn't him.
13:57Where is the deceased, Mr. Taylor?
13:59Well, he's in the kitchen now, isn't he?
14:03The kitchen.
14:04Yeah, sure.
14:05Forgive me, Mr. Taylor, but I don't think I believe you.
14:07What are you talking about? You saw him go in yourself.
14:10Are you referring to the man I was just talking to?
14:12That's him.
14:13The deceased.
14:14Yep.
14:18Little bastard, eh?
14:20Perhaps he is, Mr. Taylor.
14:22But I couldn't help noticing, perhaps I'm being pedantic.
14:25Perhaps it's my medical training.
14:27That he isn't dead.
14:30Well, you haven't given me the certificate yet.
14:33Right. That's it.
14:35I haven't the faintest idea what's going on here.
14:37And I haven't any desire to find out.
14:41Good evening.
14:42Call yourself a doctor!
14:49Mr. Sloman!
14:50Mr. Sloman next door!
14:53Excuse me!
14:55Hang on!
14:57Shit!
15:03It's definitely Trevor's.
15:05Why would he be here?
15:10Excuse me!
15:11Hello!
15:12Sorry, got confused.
15:13He's next door!
15:14What?
15:15Mr. Sloman!
15:16What?
15:17Mr. Sloman!
15:18What's he doing?
15:19He looks crunk!
15:20Has he got a knife?
15:21What?
15:22Mr. Sloman!
15:23What's he doing?
15:24He looks crunk!
15:25Has he got a knife?
15:27Mark, what's going on?
15:28Who's Sloman?
15:29What's going on?
15:30Who's Sloman?
15:31Go away, Trevor!
15:32Damn it, Mark!
15:33We need to talk!
15:34Here, keep it in the family.
15:35Mark, listen to me!
15:36Go away, Trevor!
15:37I need to talk!
15:38Look, this affects both of us!
15:39Piss off!
15:40Look, this affects both of us!
15:41Piss off!
15:42Look, this affects both of us!
15:43Look, this affects both of us!
15:44Piss off!
15:45What?
15:46Go away, Trevor!
15:47Go away, Trevor!
15:49Damn it, Mark!
15:50We need to talk!
15:51Here, keep it in the family!
15:52Mark, listen to me!
15:57Go away, Trevor!
15:58We need to talk!
16:01Look, this affects both of us!
16:04Piss off!
16:09you're going to think differently when you see what's in that envelope
16:17i'm really warning you okay look mark i think you should give me that knife
16:34now come on mark you're drunk you're not yourself i'm warning you just go all right
16:39come on give me the knife come on give it to me before you hurt someone mark no come on mark
16:45we're both professional people
16:47don't be stupid mark get off me
16:53mr taylor
17:07mr taylor
17:11mr taylor
17:15mr taylor i have a death certificate to complete
17:28he isn't bleeding much is he
17:49no circulation what all the blood goes to the bottom that must look a bit silly
17:56mr taylor
17:58shit try and get the knife out then what i don't know maybe he'll heal
18:04sorry i was just checking he was all right he's dead well i was just making sure
18:13mark it's tracy and robert
18:19take me now lord he's got the form
18:21this is just a moment okay just stay there mr taylor
18:29hello what are you doing here
18:31well we were passing and we saw um well is trevor here
18:39yes i mean no
18:41yes well we uh we saw his we'll just wait in your flat if you're busy
18:47well if you must i mean great
18:49fine back in a moment
18:51he had blood on his sleeve
18:54mr taylor
18:58i'm just going to check something
18:59right well there's something i probably ought to explain before you go in
19:12look the nurse told me on the phone it was a simple case of heart failure
19:16and he'd been dead for at least a day
19:18well i'd better just warn you
19:20he's got a lot worse
19:24pardon
19:25it was an accident you see i was just sort of cleaning my knife and it
19:31it went off
19:34i think i've had quite enough of your misplaced sense of humor
19:40well no one's at home
19:54isn't this becky's late night at the office
19:57right yes
20:04tracy
20:06so hello again
20:13it's probably crossed your mind to wonder why uh
20:17you see he was a keen amateur ventriloquist
20:21it isn't going to work now
20:24no no
20:25you see he was always very fond of the dummy and he sort of requested you know
20:30which is why i was giving him a bath
20:32the dummy obviously not mr sloman
20:35and that's why i thought when you first came in
20:38i'm only here for the paperwork
20:40the nurse did a full examination yes
20:42yes
20:43yes pretty much
20:44i'm sure she didn't
20:46miss anything important
20:48absolutely not
20:49no way
20:50terrific nurse loved watching her work
20:51brilliant i hope she finds me dead
20:53no way
20:56tracy
20:57is trevor with you
20:59no
21:00why what's wrong
21:01well becky
21:03can you come round to marks straight away
21:06marks
21:07look i'm with someone at the moment it's a bit awkward
21:10listen
21:11trevor's been here
21:13i think something awful's happened
21:17what's happened
21:19i have to
21:20i've got to go
21:21just get here okay
21:28look um
21:29it's okay
21:30i'm a friend of marks
21:32has uh anything uh
21:34happened
21:35no nothing
21:37perhaps i should tell you that mark has been consulting me professionally
21:42today we were discussing
21:44his murder fantasies concerning trevor
21:48i'm just
21:50rather worried that his desire for vengeance is so repressed that any moment he could surface from his subconscious and push him into some act of uncontrolled violence
21:59the murder can be a considerable emotional catharsis but it's not exactly legal
22:05is it
22:06oh
22:07so you're a lawyer
22:09exactly
22:10i'm mark's lawyer where is he at the moment
22:12the next flat
22:18well then
22:19i think you better tell me exactly what is going on
22:22i'm going to leave the
22:25certificate with you
22:27rather against my better judgment i have to say
22:30and you take it to the offices tomorrow morning all right
22:33so um so that's it is it that's all you have to do
22:36well
22:37in these circumstances
22:39it is just a formality really
22:41unless it happens
22:43i'm running rather late
22:45thank god
22:46i mean i mean thank god he's all right
22:49i mean thank god he's dead
22:52that's becky
23:05someone's been following her with a camera
23:07who's he
23:09right
23:16well thanks for everything
23:18if you ever need a death certificate
23:31thank god he's dead
23:32you really are a pillow trimmer
23:34what are we going to do now
23:36i don't know i'm thinking about it
23:38they're going to notice at the undertakers you know
23:40yeah as soon as they try closing the lid
23:42oh sorry i've forgotten about you two
23:49good evening mark
23:52hello clement
23:54what are you doing here
23:55uh becky's lawyer phoned me
23:57i thought i'd drop by and uh
23:59fill you in
24:00psst
24:01back in the moment
24:02no no listen mark
24:03um i i couldn't help
24:05noticing the uh
24:07noose
24:08is there anything you want to tell me
24:10i took your advice
24:11i killed trevor
24:13don't worry he's fine
24:15back in a moment
24:17what
24:18i don't want them to see me
24:19then piss off
24:20but we still have to talk
24:22what does he mean
24:23he killed trevor
24:24i wonder if that's precisely what he has done
24:26no
24:27what was he doing next door
24:29hmm
24:30when he came back he looked distinctly guilty
24:32but he said trevor looked fine
24:33you know he he could be in denial
24:36it could be that he knows that he's murdered trevor
24:38but somehow he's convinced himself that trevor is still alive
24:41what
24:42well it does happen
24:44somehow he's brought trevor back to life in his own mind
24:48but how
24:49maybe he could take this back to bed
24:50oh
24:52hello everyone
24:54i'm little trevor
24:56what's wrong
24:58he smoked
24:59well yes
25:00of course
25:01is there a problem
25:02no no no problem at all
25:03it's just that tracy got a bit of a fright
25:05didn't you tracy
25:06yes
25:07sorry
25:08being a silly
25:09sorry mark if i seemed rude or anything
25:11well you weren't rude at all
25:12are you all right
25:13honestly
25:13and sorry trevor
25:15no big deal to me trace
25:17hell mark hanged me earlier
25:19oh
25:20what's wrong with that tracy
25:22what's wrong with you
25:23oh nothing
25:24nothing at all
25:25she's just a little emotional
25:27that's all
25:28now why don't we all just
25:29sit down eh
25:30and just try and
25:32calm ourselves
25:33down a bit
25:34good idea
25:35what are these
25:36well according to the accompanying letter
25:38it seems that
25:39trevor grew suspicious of becky
25:41and hired a private detective to follow her
25:43with the er
25:44with the results that you see
25:47so what's trevor doing here
25:49complaining my wife's cheating on him
25:53is that a question we should be asking
25:55trevor
25:56mark
25:57yes it bloody is
25:58all right then
26:06what are you doing here trevor
26:08what are you doing here
26:10uh...
26:11clement
26:12oh no
26:13sorry mark
26:15i'm talking to trevor
26:17well trevor
26:20look i
26:21let trevor
26:22answer for himself
26:23please mark
26:25has everyone in this room
26:26completely lost their minds
26:27what's he done to you trevor
26:29you must tell us
26:30you're all insane
26:31and you are all leaving
26:32this has been a hellish enough evening as it is
26:34and i'm not letting it get any worse
26:35goodnight
26:36we were only trying to help you mark
26:40i hope you'll understand that someday
26:42and there's one thing i have to check
26:44what one thing
26:45what is this
26:46we're going to stand by you mark
26:48we promise that don't we robert
26:50well could you go home and stand by me there
26:53i think i've had enough
26:54there is nothing the matter with me
27:00i just want you to go
27:02what's happening
27:03what's the emergency
27:04you brought him here
27:07you brought him to my flat
27:10easy now
27:11we just want to know what's going on
27:12well let me explain
27:13you are the latest man to screw my wife
27:15and i'm beating the crap out of you
27:17oh
27:19sorry becky
27:21you will be
27:22he's my lawyer
27:23oh jesus christ
27:25look i'm terribly sorry about this
27:26keep him away from me
27:27keep him away from me
27:28keep him away from me
27:29oh god sorry
27:30accident
27:31keep back
27:32i have a mistake
27:33i mean it
27:34look you've got entirely the wrong impression
27:36you
27:40i didn't touch you
27:42oh
27:43oh
27:44oh
27:45oh
27:46oh
27:47listen to me okay
27:48just listen
27:49i'm not even going to bother with the assault charge
27:52i'm just going to arrange becky the most evil divorce settlement of all time
27:56you're going to go down in the history books as the most stitched up husband
27:59whoever starved to death
28:00naked
28:01homeless and still paying maintenance
28:03lawyers of the future will study books about this case
28:05old men will frighten young boys with stories of the taylor settlement
28:09marriage itself may become completely illegal
28:12i'm going to finish you
28:16for your sake
28:17i hope you have a damn good lawyer
28:20you murderer
28:24well he's cheap
28:26die in flame
28:33you're free again
28:37who could love
28:41do that to you
28:45all dressed in black
28:47won't be coming back
28:51won't be coming back
28:55just save in tears
28:58like yes
29:02yes
29:04oh
29:05if you think it's over
29:08because you said goodbye
29:12oh
29:13if you think it's over
29:15I'll tell you why
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