- 2 days ago
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TVTranscript
00:00If You Think It's Over
00:30Five Years Into Our Marriage My Wife Told Me She Had A Lover
00:34I Was So Pleased She'd Noticed
00:37She Said We Never Did Anything Together
01:01She Said The Whole Time We'd Never Actually Done One Damn Thing Together
01:05And We Might As Well Split Up
01:06I Said You First
01:09Mark
01:13Mark
01:19I First Met Becky At A Funeral
01:29It Wasn't Difficult To Impress Her
01:31Everyone Else Was Dead Boring
01:34Or Both
01:35Oh Sorry I Was In The Shower
01:43Oh God Sorry I'm Early
01:44No No I'm Behind
01:45No No It's My Fault
01:46It's My Fault
01:47No Really I Got Up Too Early This Morning
01:49And I Haven't Been Able To Lose The Time All Day
01:50How Would You Thought You Were The Type
01:53To Get So Hyper On A First Date
01:55Oh Be Fair So Far You've Only Seen Me At A Funeral
01:57We Could Visit The Grave Later
01:58If It Would Help You Relax
01:59Wasn't He Cremated
02:00Come In And Sit By The Fire
02:02Look If You're Not Ready Yet
02:04I'll Just Go For A Wander
02:05Oh Trust Me There's Not A Lot To Do Round Here
02:07Kind Of The High Spots
02:08The Post Box At The End Of The Road
02:10I'll Pass On That
02:11There Are Some Bikers Hanging Around It
02:12Oh Look This Is Terrible
02:15You Haven't Even Had Time To Tidy Up
02:16Yes I Have
02:18Well I Suppose It Is A Bit Of A Mess
02:23Now That You Bring It Up
02:24I'll Just Uh
02:24No No Look Becky It's Fine
02:25I'll Just Straighten Things Out A Bit
02:26Don't Trouble Yourself
02:28It's No Trouble
02:28But You've Got To Get Back In Your Shower
02:30You Don't Think I'm Clean Enough
02:33No Look
02:34Are You Some Kind Of Hygiene Nut
02:36No Honestly
02:37No No I'm As Big A Slob As You Are
02:39What Do You Think Of This Is The First Date So Far
02:43I Mean Just Say If You Want To Start Going Steady
02:44Well I'm Not Sure Mark
02:46The Standards Are Very High Round Here
02:48Are You Wearing Clean Underwear
02:50Not Now
02:52How Are You Feeling Now Mark
02:59Oh A Lot Better Thank You
03:01Yes Those Ten Minutes Since My Wife Left
03:04Have Been Really Good For Me
03:05In Fact It's Still Early
03:07Maybe I'll Phone Around And Get A Date
03:09I Mean Why Write Off The Entire Evening
03:11See
03:13Oh You're Just Being Brave Mark
03:15No Tracy That Was Sarcasm
03:17The Lowest Form Of Wit
03:18As I'm Sure You Realise
03:19But That's About As Far Up As I Go Right Now
03:21On Account Of The Fact That My Life
03:22Has Just Collapsed About My Ears
03:24The Woman I Love Is In The Arms Of Another Man
03:26And I Want To Die
03:27I Thought It Was Puns
03:31What
03:31The Lowest Form Of Wit
03:33I'm Sure Sarcasm Was The Second Lowest
03:37We Were Talking About It At Work
03:39Maybe They've Changed It
03:40But I Expect You Know Being A Writer
03:43I'll Check My Wall Chart
03:44Look Mark
03:45What Tracy Was Thinking Was
03:47You Shouldn't Be Alone Tonight
03:49That's Right
03:49I'll Be Fine Now
03:50If You Don't Mind
03:51Mark
03:51No Listen I'll Be Okay
03:53Honestly
03:53You Mustn't Be On Your Own
03:54It's Very Important
03:55Tonight
03:57You've Got To Be With Friends
03:59Well I Promise I'll Phone Sam
04:01As Soon As You've Gone
04:02Thank You Check Me
04:03Oh You Went You
04:19Compare And Contrast
04:23The First Night Together
04:26The First Night Apart
04:29Who Can Forget Their First Date
04:32With The Woman Of Their Dreams
04:34Simultaneously Blushing With Embarrassment
04:36And Rampant With Desire
04:37Your Blood Just Doesn't Know Where To Go
04:41Listen Becky
04:44This Place Is Fine
04:45It Won't Take A Month
04:46Oh Becky
04:46I Wouldn't Have Thought You Were The Type
04:53To Get So Hyped On The First Date
04:55Fair Point
04:57Look I Was Late Home From Work
04:58I Threw Off My Clothes
05:00And Jumped In The Shower
05:01I Wasn't Pitching For The Colour Spread
05:02In A Home Care Omnibus
05:04Obviously Not
05:05Fairly Obviously
05:07Look
05:08Let's Get One Thing Clear
05:09From The Start
05:10I Don't Like To Be Embarrassed
05:13I Saw At The Funeral
05:14What Kind Of Sense Of Humour You've Got
05:17I Regard Dinner With You
05:18As A Calculated Risk
05:20So
05:20Rule One
05:22Don't Make Me Feel Uncomfortable
05:24Clear
05:25Absolutely
05:26Yes
05:27Good
05:27Have You Got A List Of Conditions
05:29We Could Both Sign
05:30I Mean
05:30Maybe With A Penalty Clause
05:32I Feel I Should Have Brought My Lawyer
05:33So He Could Draw Up An Agreement
05:35Before We Eat
05:36No I Just Think He'd Be Your Type
05:37I Like Men With A Sense Of Humour
05:40But
05:40I've Kind Of Been There
05:42You Just End Up Being The Laughter Track
05:44Look Becky
05:45Shit
05:46You Seen Any Underwear Lying Around
05:48No
05:49None
05:49Oh This Is So Embarrassing
05:54You're Not The Type That Goes Around Stealing Ladies Knickers
05:59Are You
06:00No It Wasn't Me
06:01Mark I Was Only Joking
06:02Good Thanks
06:03Thanks For Letting Me Know
06:04Well Here We Are Then
06:07Mark
06:08What Have You Got Behind Your Back
06:11Pardon
06:11You're Holding Something Behind Your Back
06:13What
06:14Nothing
06:14I'm Just Standing Like This
06:16You Think I've Got Your Underwear Behind Here
06:21Yes
06:24Oh
06:29We're Not Getting Off To A Great Start Are We
06:32Well I'm A Writer
06:33This Is All Good Material For Me
06:34Mark
06:35If You Ever Put This In One Of Your TV Things
06:37I'll Kill You
06:37You Have My Solemn Word
06:38You Booked The Table For Eight
06:41Right
06:41Sure
06:42Yeah
06:42I Better Get Ready
06:43Oh Shit Now She Looked Here
06:56Oh Shit Now She's
07:26Mark? Are you all right?
07:34Yeah, I'm fine. I just tripped.
07:36OK.
07:50Ouch!
07:56Mark?
08:01Would you like some coffee?
08:09Mark?
08:11Sorry, I was miles away.
08:14Thinking about Becky.
08:16Yeah.
08:18And handcuffs.
08:25Coffee?
08:26Yeah, thanks.
08:35How is he?
08:36I think he's feeling very bitter towards Becky.
08:39He wants to arrest her.
08:44Aren't you going to go and talk to him?
08:46What? Now?
08:48Oh, he's very upset.
08:50We mustn't leave him on his own.
08:52We don't want him to do anything silly.
08:54Well, um, I could keep an eye on him from the door.
08:58Oh, go and talk to him at once. You're his oldest friend.
09:00Well, I've only known him about five years.
09:03How can you say that? His wife's just left him.
09:05It's true.
09:07Well, you're close in other ways.
09:10I've always thought you and Mark have a very similar turn of mind.
09:15But what if he starts talking about, you know, Becky and everything?
09:20Well, change the subject.
09:22We mustn't let him get upset.
09:23Just be nice to him.
09:28Say nice things.
09:31Put your hand on his shoulder.
09:32All friendly.
09:35Couldn't I make the coffee?
09:36Oh, Robert.
09:37We don't want him doing anything silly.
09:40Hi.
10:00Come on.
10:04Come on.
10:05Come on.
10:08so mark how's things
10:18friday nights what becky spends friday nights at your house girls night in with tracy well
10:28that's my squash night so i don't but i don't think that's what she's been doing lately
10:32i think she's been telling me that's where she goes but she's been spending the night with this
10:36other guy whoever he is right when you get back from the squash these days becky isn't around is
10:45she have you ever thought of taking that squash yourself mark i'm guessing becky hasn't had a
10:49night with tracy in quite a while am i right we've got a nice little club going actually
10:53why not come along with us sometime it's friday nights well obviously you know that friday nights
11:00every friday night with another man can you believe that
11:06i mean obviously you've got a good whippy little wrist action
11:14it's a very nice group of people
11:34i'm sure it is robert why not give it a try then eh i think you'd enjoy it
11:41bit of the old squash maybe all right would take your mind off things perhaps
11:46doesn't squash take your mind off things trace
11:49oh yes even i've started playing now that becky never comes round on friday nights
11:54here's the coffee great coffee eh great now why don't you two men sit down have a lovely chat
12:05and i'll go make some lovely sandwiches smashing oops forgot the sugar
12:10what would we do without them eh
12:14i mean we we'd probably do very well actually i could do fine without tracy i expect oh well i
12:24couldn't because i love her but i could probably do without becky oh no not that i've got becky
12:30look i play squash on friday nights for god's sake ever thought of taking up squash yourself mark
12:36so how are you feeling now i'll be okay in a bit
12:39i mean mark robert oh no he's fine
12:42well better get back to those sandwiches
13:09so um how are you feeling
13:19not so good hellish in fact
13:23like my entire life is over
13:27i see but basically still hanging in there
13:30no frankly
13:32where are you going
13:34toilet what on your own
13:36oh yeah what are you going to do
13:38um what are you going to do mark
13:41well forgive me robert but i don't usually have to go into that sort of detail
13:45mark are you going to do something silly
13:48i suppose you'd call it particularly intelligent
13:51what look if you don't have any more questions i'm going to the toilet okay
13:55yeah me too
13:56what i want to go to the toilet too
13:59well it'll only be a moment
14:00well i'll just come with you
14:01well if you're that desperate why don't you go first
14:03no we'll go together
14:04why well uh
14:06i'd like to
14:10listen
14:25i know i'm not exactly your oldest friend or anything
14:30but you know
14:32i think we're close in other ways
14:34listen um
14:42it isn't that i'm not terribly flattered
14:44don't be flattered
14:47it's just that we're men with a similar turn of mind
14:51well perhaps
14:52and you'll find there's a lot more of us in the squash club
14:55well just everybody answered on friday nights
14:58what
14:59look robert
15:01this is all very nice of you and you know as i said i'm flattered but
15:05i don't really consider myself a free man at the moment and i really think you ought to consider tracy's feelings
15:11and all this
15:14what
15:16you thought i meant
15:20you think i'm a
15:22look
15:23look i play squash damn it
15:25don't actually bother with that do you
15:27no no you've got it completely wrong
15:29right
15:30here are the sandwiches
15:31now what are you two men up to
15:33nothing
15:34honestly
15:34i think it's possible that robert and i have been having a little misunderstanding
15:37oh dear
15:38what about
15:38never mind
15:39i just said i was going to the toilet
15:41and i became involved in the most baffling conversation of my entire life
15:44why
15:44i've no idea
15:45look
15:46if i say i am going to the toilet again
15:48it's not going to start something strange is it
15:50of course not
15:51good
15:51this has been an appalling enough evening as it is
15:53i am now
15:54going to the toilet
15:55why don't you take robert
15:57i am not going to the toilet with mark
15:59i have no interest in going to the toilet with mark
16:01but darling his wife just left him
16:03will you stop this
16:05it's perfectly simple
16:06it's perfectly straightforward
16:07there is nothing strange here
16:08i am simply going to the toilet
16:10yeah
16:11me too
16:12well i'm going if you're going
16:13what is all this
16:14would it be at all comforting for you to know
16:19that i shave with an electric razor
16:21the bathroom window is too small for me to hole myself out of
16:25and there are no pills of any description in there
16:27what made you think i do anything so stupid
16:30well
16:31everything
16:32it was all so horrible
16:35oh yes
16:36i mean you and becky were so happy
16:38and now she's gone
16:39i know
16:40and we were at your wedding and everything
16:41and you were lovely together
16:43and you had this lovely flat
16:45and you
16:46don't cry tracy
16:46these things happen
16:48come on tracy
16:50i'll meet somebody else you know
16:53i'll meet somebody else you know
16:53i'll meet somebody else you know
16:54i'll promise soon
16:55it's all so terrible
16:57oh no
16:58you must be so unhappy
17:00oh yes
17:01i'm not suicidal
17:02why not
17:04tracy
17:06no wait
17:08i do actually need to go to the toilet you know
17:12you know what the hardest thing is on a first date
17:18well the second hardest
17:20to avoid mentioning sex
17:25anyway
17:26i said to him
17:27i don't know what you're talking about
17:28and he just went mad
17:30the whole day he wouldn't talk to me
17:32which can kind of make life difficult in an office
17:35anyway
17:35a week later
17:36he comes back to me and says
17:37have i thought about it
17:38and i tell him again
17:39the guy is just too stupid for the job
17:42believe me mark
17:43we're talking about
17:44an iq so low
17:46he should be stuck in a pot on the windowsill
17:48look
17:50there's a waiter
17:51get a menu
17:52oral sex
17:54and you can see me
18:02is this evening going to get much funnier
18:18i don't think i can take any more
18:20will you never know
18:22why
18:23i think that's anything that you'll see
18:26i had a lovely time
18:36thank you
18:37i had a lovely time too
18:38can i ask you a personal question
18:41can i lie
18:42when you eat
18:44why do you only use one hand
18:46i like to alternate
18:49i use my other hand at lunch
18:50you've got a great laugh
18:53you told me
18:54especially my blouse
18:56it's probably better if i don't invite you in for coffee
19:13one thing can lead to another
19:15and i'd like to go a little more slowly
19:17fair enough
19:18well all right then
19:19but just the one
19:21are you coming
19:26uh yeah sure
19:28drink
19:34i thought you were going to have coffee
19:36you missed coffee
19:37you took too long coming in
19:39thank god i'm here now
19:41another three seconds it could have been hard drugs
19:43i'm sure we'll be doing something much more interesting in another three seconds
19:48is this your idea of going a little more slowly
19:50don't let me hold you back if it's making you impatient
19:55it's entirely possible i'm a little drunk
20:07no no
20:08you're really quite tall
20:10do you know what
20:16i've just redecorated my bedroom
20:19do you want to see it
20:20why don't you describe it to me
20:22vividly
20:24i've got a better idea
20:27are you coming
20:33i was just noticing these books
20:34i see they're all um
20:37sex manuals
20:40yes
20:41they were all given to me by a boyfriend i had once
20:44just once
20:48it must have been sensational
20:51he was kind of a weird guy actually
20:53you know what he gave me for christmas once
20:55handcuffs
20:57what a pervert
21:04right
21:05thank you
21:07oh thank you
21:10oh that's lovely thank you
21:12yes well good night then
21:14thank you
21:16i was just phoning our babysitter
21:23robert and i are going to spend the night
21:26thank you
21:27i'm so sorry about getting all weepy earlier on
21:37don't worry about it
21:38oh thank you
21:40can i ask you two a question
21:43of course
21:44why are you doing all this for me
21:46because we love you mark
21:50we've always loved coming here
21:54haven't we robert
21:56you always say such funny things
21:59and we're ever so proud that we know someone who writes for television
22:03even if we never meet anyone who watches your programs
22:06that's very kind of you
22:09anyway
22:11we know you'd always be there for us
22:14yes
22:14yeah of course
22:16it's funny we should all end up friends isn't it
22:22when you think about how we first met
22:24do you remember that
22:27tracy i'm unlikely to forget
22:30like it
22:39well i always have before
22:41look becky
22:44can i say something here
22:46if you feel you've got the time
22:48look
22:48things are moving kind of fast here
22:50and you know we both drunk quite a bit
22:52and i just want to be absolutely sure that you know what you're doing
22:54because no way am i going to take advantage
22:56you know if you want out of this becky
22:58just say the word
22:59strip
23:04fine perfect
23:11if i run away i'll never see her again
23:14if she finds me with her pervert boyfriend's handcuffs on
23:17she'll kill me and i'll never see her again
23:19terrific
23:20i suppose i could just gnaw my hand off at the wrist
23:24if she gets any sexier i'll probably do that anyway
23:28becky i i i just fell over and you know these cuffs just happened to just leap onto my wrist
23:37maybe not
23:40oh becky
23:43i i forgot to tell you i got arrested earlier this evening and they let
23:46they let me off with just half a pair of handcuffs
23:48be serious be serious
23:51becky i just found these behind one of your cupboards you know and i thought you know just for a laugh
23:57i thought
23:59i thought just for a laugh i'd
24:04i'd try
24:06i'd put them on i mean
24:07i'd try them on i mean you know
24:10i mean what kind of total gits would get a kick out of this eh
24:14now go and get the key and stop fooling around let's start fooling around
24:19yeah she'll go for that
24:21she's got a sense of humour
24:22she's drunk
24:23god i feel stupid
24:31no this is going to work this is definitely going to work
24:36what is it
24:44some friends of mine they said they were going to pop round i completely forgot
24:48don't answer the door
24:49i'll get rid of them quickly i promise
24:51oh becky
24:52get your clothes on fast
24:54if they come in here tell them you're fixing the radiator or something
24:57becky
24:59oh robert tracy
25:02i'm sorry i completely forgot
25:04oh that's all right
25:06actually we can't stay long anyway
25:08oh come in
25:09come in
25:10come in
25:12robert did you have a good night at the squash club
25:14yes gave them all a good threshing
25:16oh good good
25:17oh becky your flat looks lovely
25:20well thank you
25:21doesn't it look lovely
25:22yes it does
25:23well i'll just put on some coffee
25:25and you've been doing that in the bedroom too haven't you
25:28i must just
25:29i'm not sure if it's quite ready
25:31by the way that's mark in there
25:41he's just fixing the radiator
25:45no the radiator eh i'm at that time
25:50let's just see if i can't help out
25:52you're getting on all right
25:58i'm just making coffee
25:59i'm tracy
26:02and this is my husband robert
26:04i'm mark
26:05i'm a friend of becky's
26:11right are you all coming
26:13this is mark
26:22how's the radiator
26:25oh i think she'll be fine now
26:28good
26:29um
26:30um
26:31oh look at the time
26:33it's
26:34it's
26:36tracy i've forgotten how to tell the time
26:39well robert and i must be off
26:43come along darling
26:45it's been lovely
26:48bye
26:50bye
26:51look
26:57how i got here is a long story
26:59and
27:00you know the way i expect you're feeling about me i shouldn't think you want to hear it
27:03i'm really sorry i embarrassed you in front of your friends just now and you've got every reason to feel pissed off as hell with me so
27:08why don't you just get the key
27:09uncuff me and i'll go i promise i'll never bother you again
27:13just uncuff me and i'm out of here
27:18becky just unlock the cuffs
27:22make me
27:27okay
27:37and
27:42Who is he?
28:12Thank you, Becky. Who's your new man? Who?
28:27Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
28:29And in closing, I'd just like to thank one very special person.
28:33My wife, without whom.
28:37Amen.
28:43We'll die in flame, you're free again.
28:52Who could love
28:55Do that to you
28:59All dressed in black
29:03Won't be coming back
29:08Just save the tears
29:12But yes, yes
29:16Fool if you think it's over
29:20Because you said goodbye
29:25If you think it's over
29:28I'll tell you why
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