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00:00And then at half past ten, we'll be going out on the road with Janice,
00:29who's going to be doing a series of live reports from some celebrity bathrooms.
00:34And of course, there's our phone-in, which today is all about divorce.
00:37Very serious subject.
00:38Absolutely. So if you've got anything you'd like to say about divorce...
00:41Or anything you'd like to ask...
00:42Or ask, yes. Thank you, Sally. Why don't you give us a call?
00:45And the number is coming up on your screen right now.
00:48Right now.
00:50Divorce.
00:51A very serious subject.
00:52Absolutely.
00:54People often wonder about the meaning of life.
01:01Its purpose.
01:03Its function in the cosmos.
01:07People ask, why am I here?
01:14What's it all about?
01:16What is life for?
01:18Okay. I'll tell you. And I'm not joking.
01:39The meaning of life.
01:41Remember this, now and forever.
01:44It will save you a lot of pain.
01:48Life is nature's way of keeping meat fresh.
01:58By the way, I'm a little depressed.
02:13Becky and Trevor.
02:23Disgusting, repulsive Trevor.
02:38Trevor.
02:45Gangrenous midget.
02:47Trevor.
02:54Estate agent. Trevor.
03:01Hello? Oh, hi.
03:03My wife and Trevor.
03:07Shh! It's Trevor.
03:11Who was that singing?
03:12Nobody. It was the radio.
03:15Oh, right.
03:17So, what's wrong?
03:19Nothing, nothing's wrong. I'm just calling up just to check you're okay.
03:24For about the 14th time. I'm only house-sitting. What could happen to me?
03:28What did Robert and Tracy need a house-sitter for anyway?
03:31Because they were burgled. They've been paranoid ever since.
03:35Well, why couldn't I house-sit with you?
03:37Because, Trevor, then all the burglars would have gone round to our house.
03:41Unless we got a house-sitter.
03:43And, of course, our house-sitter had a house-sitter.
03:45Where does it all end, Trevor?
03:477.30 last night, the entire country would have swapped house.
03:50Burglars would be wandering the streets in confusion
03:53before going home and discovering they'd been burgled
03:55because there was no one available to house-sit.
03:59I'm sorry.
04:01You know, sometimes you sound just like Mark.
04:11You okay?
04:12Oh, well, let's see.
04:14I've left my husband for a lover on whom I am now cheating
04:18with my other lover in my best friend's bed.
04:21My best friend, I should add, having been on at least one occasion
04:25my estranged husband's lover.
04:27Becky.
04:28If I ever become pregnant, it's going to be a packed delivery ward.
04:31Thank God they all wear masks.
04:34Listen.
04:35Go to work.
04:36What's wrong with you?
04:38That's a complex and far-reaching question.
04:40And who gives a shit?
04:42I do.
04:43It's very unwise.
04:44So, er, when do your friends get back?
04:49Sometime this afternoon.
04:51You've got plenty of time.
04:52Yeah.
04:53Go to work, Michael.
04:57And have a good day at the office.
05:02You gonna watch the programme?
05:04You're running a little late for that, aren't you?
05:07No, it's only a phone-in.
05:08I've got my mobile.
05:09Oh.
05:10Maybe.
05:14What am I doing?
05:27Oh!
05:28Stop that at once!
05:32Don't be a naughty!
05:33I'm trying to open the door!
05:38You're just being a bingering naughty!
05:40Oh!
05:41Oh!
05:42Oh!
05:43Oh!
05:44You're naughty, Robert!
05:45Oh!
05:46You're heading for a big smack, you are!
05:47Oh!
05:48Oh!
05:49Now, stop that!
05:50You're frightening Becky!
05:51Oh!
05:52Bad boy!
05:53Oh!
05:54Oh!
05:55Becky!
05:56Becky, darling!
05:57We're a little early!
05:58Oh!
05:59Oh!
06:00Oh!
06:01Oh!
06:02Oh, Becky!
06:03Hello.
06:04I hope we didn't give you a fright.
06:06Oh, Tracy.
06:07We're just a little early, I'm afraid.
06:09So?
06:10How did it go?
06:12Well, I think it was a success.
06:14Oh!
06:15Oh!
06:16Oh!
06:17Oh!
06:18Oh!
06:19Oh!
06:20Oh!
06:21Oh!
06:22Oh!
06:23Oh!
06:24Oh!
06:25Oh!
06:26Oh!
06:27Oh!
06:28Oh!
06:29Oh!
06:30Oh!
06:31Oh!
06:32Good boy.
06:36Good boy.
06:37Nice boy.
06:41Cheap me down in a minute.
06:45And you know what, puppet?
06:46As soon as Becky's gone, I am going to let you ravish me right here on the sofa as often as you like.
06:52Um...
06:53Um... Would you like that, Mr Sex Animal?
06:57Oh! Oh! Oh, Robert!
07:04Oh! Oh! Oh! Sorry.
07:14Oh, Becky, didn't see you there.
07:16Well, look at you two. You're glowing.
07:19Maybe, um, maybe you could lend him to me sometime.
07:26What was that?
07:27Oh, it was the bathroom.
07:28Is somebody there?
07:29There was a voice at the window a moment ago.
07:36Oh, no! Robert, we've been burgled again!
07:40Um, no, actually, I left the window open.
07:44I was in here earlier this morning.
07:46I opened the window, and I must have forgotten to close it afterwards.
07:49But what happened?
07:50It must have been the wind.
07:52Oh, Becky, aren't you well?
07:54Do I have a choice?
07:55No, why do you have to open a window?
07:57I meant the wind from outside, actually.
08:01I'll just tidy it up.
08:02No, no, no, I will.
08:03Please, let me.
08:04No, it's no trouble.
08:06Robert?
08:06Now, would you like a little coffee or something?
08:15No, I'm fine.
08:16I should get dressed.
08:17Oh, darling!
08:19You've left your coat just lying about all horrid.
08:22That isn't mine.
08:23Actually, it's Trevor's coat.
08:24He's always leaving it lying about.
08:26Hmm, so little Trevor was keeping you company, was he?
08:30Well, you know...
08:31I thought that bed looked a little bit rumpled.
08:35Well...
08:35Robert?
08:36Sorry.
08:37Hmm.
08:39I'll take it back to him.
08:40Do you want to stay until we watch the morning show together?
08:43They're doing celebrity bathrooms.
08:45Well, maybe.
08:46And they've got a phone-in.
08:48You're on too many of those phone-ins, Trace.
08:51I am not.
08:52You're never off them.
08:53Well, that's not what he says in my fan mail.
08:55I mean, imagine pretending you're being shelled in the Lebanon
08:58just so you can be on breakfast time.
09:00I never did.
09:01I recognised your voice.
09:02And poor Robert in the background making explosion noises.
09:06He never was!
09:08I had a war film playing on the video.
09:10And I tell you, it wasn't easy explaining those Zulus.
09:13Tracey!
09:14You see, thought they had a bit of a scoop there.
09:16I should get dressed.
09:19See you in a moment.
09:21Or ask, yes.
09:22Thank you, Sally.
09:22Why don't you give us a call?
09:28Oh, Christ.
09:29What am I doing?
09:34Depression is a deadly and dangerous thing.
09:36It can distort our perspective.
09:38It lowers our standards.
09:40And suddenly you find yourself doing ghastly and despicable things
09:43that you have never contemplated before.
09:45This is Janice Gilray reporting to you from the first of today's Celebrity Bathrooms.
09:52Back to Rick and Sally.
09:54I can't believe I just watched that.
09:55That was fascinating.
09:56Thanks for that, Janice.
09:57I just watched a feature on a Celebrity Bathroom.
10:00Not at all like that, but no, then.
10:03Well, no.
10:05And now to our phone-in, which today is about divorce.
10:08Divorce, yes.
10:09Which, as we said earlier, is a bit of a serious subject.
10:12No!
10:14Absolutely.
10:15What kind of cretins watch this stuff?
10:17And our first caller on the line is Tracy Glazebrook from London.
10:21Hello, Tracy.
10:22Hello, Rick.
10:24Hello, Sally.
10:25I think we've had Tracy on the line before.
10:27Isn't that right?
10:28Yes, indeed.
10:29Hello again.
10:29And welcome back from Somalia.
10:34Now, what would you like to ask about divorce?
10:37Well, I just think it's horrid.
10:42Horrid?
10:43I'm sorry, but yes, I do.
10:45We've got some friends who are going through a divorce, and it's really not nice at all.
10:50So I think people ought to work at their marriages.
10:53Like me and Gilbert.
10:55What?
10:55We've had our little problems now and then, but we've just had some time away together,
11:02and we've sorted them out.
11:03Who are you talking to?
11:04Shh!
11:05I'm on the phone.
11:07I won't say it was easy, because it wasn't.
11:10But my husband has some rather nasty, horrid, and very naughty little habits.
11:16I won't deny it.
11:17But we just had to be really grown up and sensible.
11:21Didn't we, Poppet?
11:22It's not your mother, is it?
11:24Not a lot.
11:25I'm talking.
11:27It wasn't easy to cope with, but I think we women have to be strong.
11:31Do you have to tell everybody everything?
11:33And when you're confronted with your husband in a disgusting and horrid situation,
11:38well, I'm not going to elaborate, but take it from me.
11:40Right, that's it.
11:41I was found, if anyone's interested, in a maid's outfit being spanked by a prostitute.
11:46And sometimes, as it happens, I enjoy wearing women's underwear.
11:55Is that disgusting enough for you?
11:57Tell all your friends, spread it all over town, broadcast it to the nation.
12:02See if I care.
12:03Is that Mr. Gleesbrook?
12:06Yes, it bloody is!
12:07And let me tell you, I...
12:10That was my husband, Robert.
12:17You've certainly experienced some interesting problems there.
12:22We've been married for seven years in spite of all our nasty little problems.
12:26Isn't that right, darling?
12:28Any children?
12:30No, damn it, just a prostitute!
12:36Oh, I see what you mean.
12:39Well, some extremely interesting issues raised there by Robert and Tracey Gleesbrook of Fulham in London.
12:45Absolutely.
12:46But they certainly sound like a couple with an intelligent approach to their problems.
12:49Which is great.
12:50And I'd like, if I may, to ask Robert and Tracey to stay on the line while we go on to the next call.
12:55Oh, yes, we'd love to.
12:57Oh, God.
12:59What we're going to do now, as we always do with our phonings, is bring in one of our experts on our special expert hotline.
13:05Waiting by the phone is top divorce lawyer, Michael Robb, and he's going to be talking to us live from his office.
13:12And Michael's going to be talking not just about the legal aspects of divorce, but about the personal aspects as well.
13:26Absolutely.
13:26That is, er, if he answers the phone.
13:34And remember, if there's anything that you would like to ask about divorce, the number is coming up on the screen right now.
13:39Must be Trevor's.
13:40Well, you'd better answer it.
13:41Absolutely.
13:43We can't have, er, Tracey Graysbrook hogging every phone in.
13:49Hello, can I help you?
13:50Hello?
13:57Hello?
14:00Tracey?
14:02Um...
14:03Sorry, could you just hang on a moment, love?
14:09This isn't Trevor's phone.
14:11Then who was here last night?
14:13Well, er, we seem to be having a bit of a snag here.
14:17Yes, er, this hasn't happened to us before.
14:20It certainly hasn't.
14:22Who are you looking for, love?
14:25Er, Michael Robb.
14:27Um, stay with us.
14:28Of course.
14:29The divorce expert, the lawyer.
14:31Er, no.
14:32Well, we still seem to have a little bit of a problem on our hands here.
14:36She slept with a lawyer?
14:37A lawyer?
14:38A divorce lawyer?
14:40So, let's see who else we've got on the line.
14:43Excuse me, hello.
14:44Hello.
14:45I'm sorry, but Michael can't get to the phone right now.
14:49He's in the toilet.
14:52Oh, I see.
14:54Well, that's certainly a new one for the morning show.
14:58We're sorry to interrupt.
14:59I'm afraid you're live on the morning show.
15:02Er, who are we speaking to?
15:07This is, um...
15:09Maxine.
15:11Maxine, um...
15:13Desk.
15:15Maxine, yes.
15:17Yes.
15:18Erm, I'm the lawyer from the next office.
15:21Well, sorry, Maxine.
15:23This really never has happened in the history of the morning show.
15:27Oh, that's okay, love.
15:29Do you, er, handle divorces, Maxine?
15:33Oh, yes.
15:33Lots of divorces.
15:35Well, er, do you think you'd be prepared to stay on the line and fill in for Michael?
15:42Well, erm, yes, but, er...
15:45Oui!
15:45Thanks.
15:46Our first caller, Tracy, from London.
15:50But talk to me about our husband seeing a prostitute.
15:53Is this a common situation in divorce cases?
15:56Er...
15:57Tracy, are you still on the line?
16:05Hello, yes.
16:07Tracy, why don't you talk to Maxine about your difficulties?
16:11Hello, Maxine.
16:20Hello, Tracy.
16:22How are you?
16:23I'm fine, thanks.
16:24How are you?
16:25Oh, I'm all right.
16:26You know how it is.
16:27Oh, you don't have to tell me.
16:29Oh, I know.
16:31Er, Maxine, what is your view on there, Tracy's situation?
16:34And have you encountered any similar situations?
16:38Well, I think Tracy should think very hard about whether she really has accepted what's happened.
16:45It's a very hard thing to bear, is that sort of rejection.
16:50Oh, I think I've accepted it all right.
16:52Deep down, Tracy, is that how you really feel?
16:56Look, I think I know how I feel about my own husband, Maxine, desk.
17:00Tracy, think.
17:02Are you just hiding your own hurt so as not to damage a relationship you're scared of losing?
17:07But if a relationship's that easily damaged, is it worth hanging on to, eh?
17:11Eh?
17:15I hadn't thought of that.
17:19Don't listen to her!
17:20Your relationship with Robert will never be fully repaired
17:23until you have expressed all that disgust and hurt you feel.
17:28No, I'm sorry, I'm not listening to any more of this.
17:31For God's sake, Tracy!
17:37Well now, that was interesting.
17:39Very interesting.
17:40Very, yes.
17:41And we'll be coming back to the phone-in in a few minutes,
17:44but if you'd like to speak to our expert, Maxine Desk, on the hotline,
17:48then the number is coming up on the screen right now.
17:50But for now, over live to Janice Gilray at our next celebrity bathroom.
17:55Hi.
17:56Well, you'll never guess where I am now.
17:59You can't do this, Tracy.
18:03You can't give legal advice to people on television.
18:08Tracy, can I use your phone?
18:10I want to talk to that Maxine woman.
18:12I was watching upstairs.
18:15She's good.
18:16Um, well, yes.
18:17A friend of mine was meant to be doing the phone-in,
18:21but that woman's terrific, isn't she?
18:23Listen, you might not get on.
18:25They've probably got all their calls forked now.
18:27Oh, I know someone who works on the show.
18:29What?
18:30You know the weatherman that comes on the end?
18:31I used to go out with him years ago.
18:33I'll see if I can get a message to him.
18:35Oh, he'll be far too busy at the moment.
18:37It's raining.
18:38No, it isn't.
18:38Shh.
18:40Hello?
18:41Can I speak to Jack Arthur, please?
18:44Well, could you give him a message for me?
18:56Which just goes to show
18:58you don't know what you're going to find
19:00in a celebrity bathroom, Rick and Sally.
19:03Well, a few surprises there, eh?
19:06Absolutely.
19:06But now, back to our phone-in.
19:09Now, I believe we have Becky Johnson on the line.
19:10Hello, Becky.
19:11Hello.
19:12Our weatherman sends his love.
19:14Oh.
19:16Right.
19:17You've been going through a divorce yourself, Becky.
19:20Is that right?
19:20Yes, it is.
19:21Before you tell us about it,
19:23let's bring in our hotline expert.
19:24Today, we're talking to Maxine Desk,
19:26who's one of Britain's leading experts on divorce.
19:31We had a little bit of trouble getting through earlier on,
19:33so let's hope it's okay this time.
19:36Not again.
19:41Oh, well.
19:42Never mind.
19:45Hello, Michael Robb.
19:48Michael?
19:49Becky!
19:50Oh, thank Christ.
19:51I thought it'd be that bloody stupid television program.
19:54Um, Michael?
19:55Listen, Becky, I've got myself in a bit of a jam here.
19:58Please, don't say anything right now.
20:01Becky, why do you have to be like this?
20:03I'm putting my career on the line for you.
20:05I'm a divorce lawyer.
20:07I'm not supposed to shag my clients.
20:08Um, um, this is the television program.
20:15Shit, shit, shit.
20:17I'm absolutely sick of that kind of language on television.
20:20I'm going to complain at once.
20:23In the bathroom.
20:24Hello, this is Maxine Desk.
20:30Normal service has been resumed.
20:32Hello, Maxine.
20:33Hello, Maxine.
20:34Now, listen to me, Becky Johnson.
20:35I've got some words for you.
20:37Well, good.
20:39Oh, God.
20:40I think it's time you worked out what you really feel, young lady.
20:44Because it's perfectly obvious to me what the truth is.
20:47Hi, I was just, uh...
20:49You're still in love with Mark.
20:54Well, Becky, isn't that right?
20:57Isn't that what all this nonsense is about?
20:59My God, you've put our divorce on television.
21:02Mark?
21:05As it happens, I do not love Mark Taylor.
21:08He is a selfish, egotistical, insensitive bastard
21:13who regards commitment as an exotic form of incarceration
21:16and would have sex with anything with breasts,
21:19no matter how many.
21:22Becky likes doing it in handcuffs.
21:24First day home from the honeymoon, I found his stash of porny videos.
21:27And watched them?
21:29Well, at least I've done some of the things in them.
21:31And most of the cast.
21:34Oh, please, let it stop.
21:36Now, you two, just stop being so horrid.
21:40Yes, it does seem to be getting rather lively.
21:43Absolutely.
21:48Hello, Trevor.
21:50Where's Becky?
21:52Um...
21:53I want to speak to her.
21:54I think she spent the night here with somebody else.
21:57Oh.
22:00Look, unlock the door.
22:01I can't.
22:02It's developed a fault.
22:05It would go around the back.
22:06It's developed a fault, too.
22:08Then we'll find an open window.
22:11He never satisfied me sexually.
22:13Liar!
22:14He never understood my needs.
22:16This is all very interesting and so on, but I'm not sure...
22:18Absolutely.
22:19Do you know, Becky, Mark, I think we're making a little bit of progress.
22:23Now we're talking about our real feelings, aren't we?
22:26He never thought about what I wanted, about my fantasies.
22:30Name one single fantasy you had that I didn't make happen.
22:33We never had sex in a public place.
22:38Well, isn't that interesting?
22:41And tell me, Becky...
22:43Is this public enough for you?
22:45Hello?
22:46Hello?
22:49Hello?
22:51Mark?
22:52And Becky?
22:53Are you relating to one another, Puffet?
22:56Oh, Mark.
22:57Oh, Becky.
22:58Oh, no!
23:03Tracy.
23:04Oh, God, sorry.
23:05Um, I think maybe it's time we moved on to another cor...
23:11Oh, uh, apparently the director liked this one.
23:16I wasn't listening or anything.
23:19I was just, um, having a pee.
23:22Trace, I had to come in the...
23:24I was just having a pee.
23:30With Trevor.
23:34Yes.
23:35We were all just having a pee.
23:40With Becky's lawyer, obviously.
23:42My God!
23:44What's happening here?
23:46Yes, if somebody could maybe fill us in.
23:50So, you were here last night with Mark?
23:53No, she was here last night with me.
23:56What?
23:57What?
23:58First an estate agent and now a lawyer?
24:01What the hell's going on, Becky?
24:02I don't know.
24:03I'm confused.
24:05I'm very, very confused.
24:08Yes, we're getting a bit confused here.
24:11Please, Becky, I hate it when you cry.
24:13Look now, you've set off Tracy.
24:15I'm sorry, I can't help it.
24:18Aw, Becky.
24:21Right, well, uh, this is all sounding very interesting,
24:24but I'm not quite sure what, uh...
24:27Oh, God!
24:28Look now, you've set Trevor off and he's a man!
24:33Almost.
24:35So, Becky.
24:38Have I thrown away my career for nothing?
24:41Do I mean anything at all to you?
24:43I'm sorry, Michael.
24:45I'm truly, truly sorry.
24:48Oh, this is ridiculous!
24:49Couldn't you all just pull yourselves together?
24:52And, Robert, what the hell's the matter with you?
24:54I'm sorry, it's just, when everyone's crying like this,
24:58I get sort of...
24:59Sort of...
25:00What is wrong with you all?
25:03Oh, God!
25:05Right, I'm sorry.
25:07Director or no director, I'm ending this call right here.
25:10We're going to move on now.
25:12To...
25:13Sorry.
25:16You're having an affair!
25:19What?
25:20I know you are, just listening to all this,
25:23it all becomes so clear!
25:25It's ridiculous!
25:26You're having an affair!
25:29Right, okay, uh, next item.
25:30We're going to move on now,
25:32to the next item.
25:33And I think we should have Janice Gilray
25:36in our next celebrity bathroom.
25:39Becky, what's happening here with us?
25:41Right, okay, yes.
25:45Well, here I am in the last of today's celebrity bathroom.
25:50Oh, God, I can't go on like this!
25:53Sally, Rick's having an affair with me!
25:56Are we getting back together?
26:02Is that what's happening here?
26:04No!
26:05No!
26:06No!
26:06No!
26:07Sally!
26:08Ricky, please!
26:10Are we getting back together?
26:12I don't know!
26:15I'm afraid!
26:21Maybe!
26:24Maybe!
26:26Hello, this is Maxine Desk!
26:29That's all we've got time for on the show today!
26:33So it's goodbye for now,
26:35and thank you for watching!
26:38We'll be coming back!
26:40Woo!
26:41I'm dying flame
26:44You're free again
26:48Who could love
26:52Do that to you?
26:58All dressed in black
27:01Won't be coming back
27:06Just save the tears
27:09Like yes and yes
27:14Oh, if you think it's over
27:17Because you said goodbye
27:22Oh, if you think it's over
27:25I'll tell you why
27:36Okay, let's have a look at tomorrow's weather
27:38Becky
27:43Becky, why did you have to leave?
27:46Oh, my God
27:49Oh, my God
27:51Oh, my God
27:53Oh, my God
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27:47
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