- 2 days ago
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TVTranscript
00:00Oh, if you think it's over
00:08Because you said goodbye
00:13Oh, if you think it's over
00:17I'll tell you why
00:27My wife left me
00:29She went through our entire marriage
00:31Constantly complaining
00:32That we didn't spend enough time together
00:33Or so I heard
00:35Love the way you laugh
00:40Especially your blouse
00:43I said stop it
00:44Becky
00:47Yes
00:48Will you marry me?
00:51No
00:52My wife left me
00:54She said I was incapable
00:56Of taking anything seriously
00:58I just laughed
01:01You don't smoke at moments like this, do you?
01:11Well, I certainly feel quite warm
01:12I hate men who smoke after sex
01:17Yeah, me too
01:17The first guy I was with lit up within about a second of finishing
01:23My first orgasm and I smelled burning
01:26Boy, was I impressed
01:28And now?
01:30Now?
01:31Well, Becky, this was our first time
01:32I'd be grateful for some input
01:34Oh, yeah, I love that too
01:36Has anyone ever told you you're disgusting?
01:39Are you kidding?
01:40That's one of my favourites
01:42Yeah?
01:42Would you marry me?
01:44No
01:44My wife left me
01:47She asked me if I'd ever really understood
01:49A single word she'd ever said to me
01:51I said, first on the left, just past the chemists
01:54You bastard
02:04Mark, it happens
02:10You utter bastard
02:12This is pointless, stupid and juvenile
02:16Are you listening to this?
02:18A simple sorry darling would be sufficient
02:21Can we lose the comedy routine?
02:23You don't like my material?
02:24Not since you became a double act
02:26Sorry, show's over
02:28It's okay
02:29Anyone can have a flop
02:31Bitch
02:34It's better
02:35Oh, you know, like
02:39You know when you're out with all your girlfriends
02:41And you start talking about sex and stuff
02:45Mark, I won't tell them about this
02:48So, who was on the phone?
02:52What?
02:52Didn't I hear the phone ring when I was in the loo
02:55Before we got all distracted
02:56Oh, sorry, I completely forgot
02:58It was Tracy for you
02:59Oh, have I had to phone her back?
03:01No, she said she'd hang on
03:02Hello?
03:03Hello, Mark
03:08Hello, Tracy
03:10Hello, Mark
03:13Do you think she was listening? Do you think she heard?
03:17Do you think she was listening? Do you think she heard?
03:29So, Mark, how are you?
03:33Shit, I certainly hope you had a good laugh at my sexual dysfunction
03:39Oh, of course not
03:40Oh, of course not
03:41Did we, Robert?
03:43Oh, no, no, no, no, not at all
03:48Jesus
03:49It happens to everyone
03:51You know, Robert and I sometimes skip a night
03:54Or morning, whichever's more convenient
03:57Or evening
03:59We've skipped the odd evening, haven't we, Robert?
04:01Um, yes, yes, we have
04:03Especially now that Robert comes home for lunch
04:06Stops him getting in trouble for speeding later on
04:10Could you possibly tear yourself away from the subject of Robert's endless virility
04:13And tell us why you actually phoned?
04:16Well, we've got exciting news for you both
04:18Really?
04:19I'm pregnant
04:19Of course you are
04:20Oh, Tracy, that's wonderful
04:22I didn't even know you were trying
04:24I don't think they'd be doing a lot else
04:25It's a wonder their house is to the standard
04:26Well, we knew it wouldn't take long
04:28When we found out about Robert's unusually high sperm count
04:31God, make it stop
04:33I was going to tell you first, Becky
04:34But I thought Mark needed cheering up
04:36Oh, well, we're both absolutely thrilled for you, really
04:39And never mind what he says
04:41I haven't seen Mark this excited in ages
04:43Sure
04:44Well, certainly not this evening
04:46And now I'll pass you over to Mark
04:49And he can tell you how pleased he is himself
04:51You're obviously an amazingly fertile young couple
04:57I feel like ploughing you both into a field
05:00You're so sweet
05:03Anyway, that was all
05:05Better be getting off
05:06Yes, indeed
05:07It must be about time for that
05:08Night, then
05:09Night
05:11Good night
05:12Where are you going?
05:17Home
05:18Oh, fine
05:19Terrific
05:20The sex isn't working
05:21We fight all the time
05:22We just about hate each other
05:23I mean, hell, let's make it official
05:24Are you saying we should split up?
05:26Actually, I was talking about marriage
05:28I've been counting, Mark
05:30That's the third time you've proposed to me as a joke
05:32No, no, no
05:33As a matter of fact, no
05:34That's the third time you've taken it as a joke
05:35Would you marry me?
05:37No, no, no
05:39Come in
05:43Mark, hello
06:01Robert, come in
06:03Oh, no need
06:04I was just on my way home from work
06:06Thought I'd pop by and see if you were okay
06:08Well, how are we going to do this?
06:11Do you want to take my pulse?
06:14Well, maybe I'll just come in for a minute
06:16It's just that Tracy gets a little tense if I'm late home
06:26Well, that's only natural
06:27Tends to start breaking things and so on
06:31Well, anyone can lose their temper
06:32And, of course, she's shown me which dinner set gets it next
06:35Of course, yeah
06:37She's just going through one of her demanding phases
06:42Very demanding
06:45I see
06:46Anyway, how's things?
06:49Are you bearing up?
06:50Oh, more or less
06:50It's funny, I seem to have these dreams about when I proposed to Becky
06:55Oh, so you're sleeping then?
06:58Well, yeah
06:59Sleep, eh?
07:02Good old sleep
07:03Yeah
07:04Right
07:04Oh, God, I am going to be late
07:09Not that it's that big a deal
07:12I mean, hell
07:13She doesn't make that big a fuss over me being a few minutes late
07:17Why don't you give her a ring?
07:18No, I gave her a necklace last time
07:20I don't think jewellery would work again
07:21I mean, phone her, Robert
07:23Oh, right, yeah, good idea
07:24Actually, she may not be that uptight
07:32I did lunchtime
07:35Hello, Tracy?
07:39Yeah, yeah, it's me
07:40I can hardly hear you
07:42Are you using my shaver?
07:46Oh
07:46Oh, I see
07:48Yeah, yeah, right away
07:49I'm leaving now
07:50Got to go, Mark
07:52It's, uh, fire
07:53Why doesn't she phone the fire brigade?
07:55I'm not home soon
07:56She probably will
07:57Would you marry me?
08:04No
08:04No?
08:06No
08:06Well, don't I get a say in this
08:13I should go
08:14Let's not talk about this now
08:16No, let's
08:18I don't suppose you've considered that I might be a little more than the totally shallow bundle of wisecracks you take me for
08:23I mean, maybe a relationship that isn't a bit more meaningful and permanent than this isn't enough for me
08:28And I'd prefer that we split up
08:29Then I think we ought to split up
08:32Though obviously I'd want us still to date and have sex
08:34I don't think so, Mark
08:36Where are you going? What is this?
08:38Look, you and I are not a serious item
08:40I was determined about that from the start
08:42We can't end up together
08:44Can't you see? All we're doing is mistaking sex for love
08:47Well, no one would ever find out
08:49I'm going
08:51Look, we'll talk, I promise
08:55I'm sorry, we'll talk
08:57Oh, shit
09:01There are two kinds of men who give you advice about women
09:06Get this into your head, Mark
09:09Treat them mean, keep them keen
09:13All this niceness crap, it doesn't work
09:17Show the bitch who's boss
09:19And the complete and utter mental deficient
09:22Show her you care
09:24Show her you're hurting right now and you're capable of articulating that
09:27Mark, women are attracted to intelligence, vulnerability and sensitivity
09:31Sorry, one kind
09:33I'll tell you what's a sure thing to get you back on with Becky
09:37Go out and screw other women
09:39Show Becky that for you, sex is a physical externalising of your bond with her
09:45That jealousy thing always worked for me
09:48Remember how it really got to my ex-wife
09:51God, I miss her
09:55In the end, Alice left me because I stopped being able to externalise our bond in the way we had before
10:01We tried everything
10:03Even a maid's outfit
10:05They're all out there
10:07Ready to help your relationship
10:10Blondes
10:12Brunettes
10:13Brunettes
10:16Oh, this is all bullshit and we both know it
10:19Anyone who claims to understand all this stuff is a complete and utter mental deficient
10:23But the fact is, you love Becky and I'm pretty sure she loves you
10:26So somehow you've got to get her back
10:28Sir Shagga Blonde
10:30Shagga Blonde
10:32Dave, that is the lowest suggestion I've ever heard
10:35And you are complete scum
10:37Maybe this will sound stupid
10:40But I think if you guys spend enough time in the same room
10:43You're going to end up back in bed
10:45You really think so?
10:46I'm sure of it
10:47You know, it's probably worth a try
11:13God, that was boring
11:27I didn't know it could be that dull
11:38Dave?
11:49That girl you set me up with last night
11:50Monica
11:51I'll tell you how it went
11:54You know how sometimes you've got to say the alphabet backwards in your head
11:58To keep from firing off too soon
11:59Yeah, well that was the best bit
12:01I'm a horse's arse
12:07Hi, this is Becky
12:22Leave a message and I'll call you back
12:24Becky, it's Mark
12:28Where are you the whole time?
12:29This is the fourth day I've got your damn answer phone
12:31You said we'd talk, let's talk
12:33Look, I've been thinking
12:35That night you went off
12:37You know, I was behaving like a jerk
12:39It was just the whole thing of Robert and Tracy listening on the phone, you know
12:43I mean, somehow you don't expect a telephone to be able to screw up your life like that
12:48Sorry, love, I've got a dash
12:49Thanks for a lovely time
12:52Last night was lovely too
12:54We did some interesting stuff
12:57See you, lover
12:58Sorry, darling
13:00Didn't know you were on the phone
13:01Bye
13:02Becky
13:20I think we got a crossed line
13:23Becky, keep listening
13:28Cos I can explain
13:30Becky
13:33Just, you know, I'll be back in a moment
13:35Just keep listening to this tape
13:36Now you can fast forward this bit if you want to
13:42Hi there, stranger
13:49Christ!
13:52I cheat on her once and she's everywhere
13:54Sorry
13:57What the hell's wrong?
13:58I'm in the middle of a phone call
14:00So?
14:01Sorry, I'm a bit jumpy at the moment
14:02I'll say
14:03Come on in
14:04Thank you
14:06We need to talk
14:10Why don't I make us some coffee while you finish your phone call?
14:13Right, sure
14:14Look, I can't really talk at the moment
14:22I've got someone here
14:24It's not another woman, is it?
14:29No
14:29Then who?
14:31It's a surprise
14:32For me?
14:34Oh, yes
14:34Oh, I see
14:37Right, I'd better make that coffee
14:40Right, I'd better make that coffee
14:40Look, Becky
14:42I can't really talk at the moment
14:43You might hear me
14:44Look, Becky
14:48Our future is going to depend on me finding the right words right now
14:51So please
14:52Please
14:52Give me a chance
14:53The fact is
14:55You're the only woman that I ever
14:57Hey, Mark
14:57I bumped into that blonde girl outside
15:01Just a moment, Becky
15:05What was that, Becky?
15:09Oh, sorry
15:10You're still on the phone
15:11Oh, don't worry
15:12It's no one important
15:12Well, it is
15:14But
15:14What blonde girl?
15:17Very pretty
15:17Bit mad
15:18Presumably she lives in one of the flats
15:20I assumed you'd know her
15:21No, I don't
15:22Oh
15:23Strange girl
15:24I collided with her coming out of the lift
15:26And she said not to worry
15:28She was grateful for the excitement
15:29She'd just had the most boring time of her life
15:32That is strange
15:37Unbelievable, in fact
15:39Yeah, she was really odd
15:41She said it had been a long, dull night
15:44But at least now she knew the alphabet backwards
15:46Actually, that's a really funny thing
15:52The other day I discovered I know the alphabet backwards
15:54And I don't know where I picked it up
15:56Maybe I learned it in my sleep
15:58You're not always a riot in bed yourself, darling
16:02Oh, no, sorry
16:03I didn't mean you
16:04I meant you
16:04Look, okay, okay
16:06I'm getting confused here
16:07But look
16:08Just keep listening
16:09You've already heard what a stupid shit I am
16:11Now, please
16:12Let me tell you what I feel about you
16:14Right
16:14Here you go
16:16Actually
16:17This is a kind of personal call
16:19It's nothing you can't say in front of me, is it?
16:22Well, no
16:23Anyway
16:24I'm not listening
16:26I really admire you as an individual
16:34I feel a lot of sincerity towards you
16:38You're one hell of a human being
16:42Look, what I'm trying to say is that there's no-one else in my life
16:47Well, yes, there is
16:49No, there isn't
16:52Yes, there is
16:54Look, you know what I mean
16:56Am I ever going to find out who it is you're talking to?
17:00Yes
17:01Well, whoever it is, I wish you'd hurry up
17:03I need to phone my answering machine and check my messages
17:07Just whenever you're ready
17:13Back shortly
17:16Dammit, aren't you going to say anything?
17:32What?
17:33Aren't you just a little surprised?
17:35Five days ago, I turned down your proposal and walked right out of here
17:38Or have you forgotten?
17:39Well, as you say, it has been five days
17:41Mark!
17:43Okay
17:44Okay, this is my fault
17:45I thought it would be fun if I just came strolling in and played it cool
17:49I wanted to see your face
17:51I should have known better
17:53But sod that, anyway
17:55So
17:56Mark
17:57Keeping in mind what we were talking about the night that we partied
18:02And that I said we'd talk about it more
18:04And that I've spent a few days away to think about it
18:09And now I've turned up in person
18:11Early in the morning
18:12To give you a very sexy kiss
18:17Keeping all that in mind, Mark
18:24Is there anything you'd like to ask me?
18:28Are you still going to listen to your answer phone messages?
18:32Mark
18:32Okay
18:33Okay, I deserve this
18:36You win on the call front
18:37And the answer
18:39Is yes
18:40You are?
18:42Yes, I will marry you
18:44You will?
18:47I will
18:47Yes!
18:50Well, now you've got me up here
18:52The bedroom's that way
18:53Let's get you running
18:55As you wish, mistress
18:56My God, this place is a mess
19:02What have you been doing here?
19:03No, no, it's all right
19:04I don't mind
19:05Mark
19:06It's okay
19:07Yes, it is
19:09Let's get moving
19:12Unless you've got any other little problems
19:14Of course
19:16Oh
19:16What is it?
19:18I've just got to nip out and get something
19:19You stay here
19:20I'll be as quick as I can
19:21I nip out to her flat
19:25I steal the tape from her answer phone
19:26We've got a marriage
19:27Simple
19:28What's going on, Mark?
19:30What have you got to get that can't wait till after?
19:33Condoms
19:33I've run out of condoms
19:37I've got to go and get some
19:38You're going to go out and get condoms in your dressing gown?
19:40Well, that'll make an impression
19:42What the hell?
19:42I'll tell them we just got engaged
19:43We might get a free starter pack
19:46Ha!
19:47MUSIC PLAYS
20:17Seal the tape, put a new tape in.
20:19This'll work.
20:35Right, new tape.
20:38Oh, damn it, Becky, where do you keep them?
20:43I don't have time for this! I don't have time!
20:47Well, why don't I just ask her?
21:00Hello?
21:01Becky, it's me.
21:02Mark!
21:03I'm at the Chemists.
21:04Er, look, I don't have any particular favourite brand.
21:07No, no, no, it's not there, it's just that, you know, I thought I'd give you a ring.
21:11From the Chemists, where you are currently purchasing condoms in your dressing gown.
21:15Well, they'll certainly think that's love.
21:17I just want to ask you something.
21:19It might sound like an odd question.
21:21Uh-huh.
21:22I was wondering, where do you keep your answer phone tapes?
21:27What?
21:28It's for your surprise. I can't tell you yet.
21:30Thank you. That explains everything.
21:32Top door in my bedroom, I think.
21:34Why?
21:35Can't you be a bit more certain?
21:36Oh, for Christ's sake, Mark, just get back here.
21:39I'll ring Tracy later and ask her to look.
21:41Tracy?
21:41Yeah, she's staying at my flat at the moment.
21:59Back shortly.
22:00Hello, Mark.
22:08Hello, Tracy.
22:11Hello, Mark.
22:14Mark.
22:15Yes?
22:16This isn't the chemist.
22:19I know.
22:22What are you doing here, Tracy?
22:24Well, Robert's away on a course and I don't like being home alone with the builders in.
22:29Right, sure. Whatever.
22:32What are you doing here?
22:37Oh, Christ, I give up.
22:50Somehow you don't expect a telephone to be able to screw up your life like that.
22:53Sorry, love. I've got a dash.
22:55Thanks for a lovely time.
22:56Well, last night was lovely, too.
22:59We did some interesting stuff.
23:02See you, lover.
23:03You are a silly, Mark.
23:09You didn't need to come here.
23:11All you had to do was phone the machine again,
23:14use Becky's remote to rewind the tape,
23:17and then record a new message over the old one.
23:19That's very clever.
23:21Well, I'm not stupid, Mark.
23:22Good God, aren't you?
23:23I mean, no, of course not.
23:24I really mean, of course not.
23:29Well, Robert will be getting home soon.
23:31I'd better go back.
23:31Yeah, sure.
23:34And I think you should be going, too.
23:36And I think you should leave the tape in the machine.
23:39Don't you?
23:39Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so.
23:41Well, let's be off, then.
23:43I think you should leave the tape in the machine.
24:07Any particular reason why you've been sitting here
24:10for the last five minutes?
24:12Or that you went to my flat without telling me.
24:15I looked in my bag.
24:17My keys were missing.
24:21Take me home.
24:22I want to find out exactly what's been going on.
24:40So, what were you doing?
24:43You'd better check your messages.
24:47Becky, it's Mark.
24:48Where are you the whole time?
24:50This is the fourth day I've got your damn answer phone.
24:52You said we'd talk.
24:52Let's talk.
24:55Look, I've been thinking that night when you went off,
24:58you know, I was behaving like a jerk.
25:02You know, just the whole thing of Robert and Tracy
25:04listening on the phone, you know.
25:05I mean, somehow you don't expect a telephone
25:08to be able to screw up your life like that.
25:12Hello, Becky.
25:13Just thought I'd leave you a nice little message
25:15on your answer phone to thank you
25:16for letting me stay in your flat.
25:18I saw Mark while you were away,
25:20and I'm sure he'd be pleased
25:21that I'm leaving you a nice little message like this.
25:25Anyway, I had a lovely time,
25:28and I mended those curtains like you wanted.
25:30And if you look in the cooker, I...
25:32Oh, hang on.
25:34I think that's Robert's home.
25:36Good old Tracy, eh?
25:38Since when have you had any time for Tracy?
25:40Hello, darling.
25:41Robert!
25:44The thing about Tracy, Becky,
25:46is that she's not half as thick as she seems.
25:48Oh, Robert, I must tell you,
25:50Mark Taylor had another woman at his flat last night.
25:54LAUGHTER
25:55LAUGHTER
25:56He's dead, and you'll never guess.
26:00He was leaving a message on Becky's answer phone,
26:03and this woman came right up to him
26:04and thanked him for a lovely night.
26:06And it was right there on the tape.
26:08My God, Becky's going to kill him when she hears it.
26:11Well, she won't, will she?
26:12You see, I remembered that we've got
26:14the same make of answer phone,
26:16so I used our remote to rewind the tape
26:18so I could record over it all.
26:20That's a bit much, isn't it?
26:21You're helping Mark to cheat on your best friend.
26:24Oh, come on, Robert.
26:25We both know where Becky's been the last few days.
26:27LAUGHTER
26:28Well, yes, I suppose,
26:31but it's kind of different, isn't it?
26:33Geoff's an old boyfriend.
26:34You said she was just trying to work out
26:36how she felt about Mark.
26:37Well, maybe that's all Mark was doing.
26:40That's the thing about Mark and Becky, Robert.
26:42I sometimes think they're not awfully bright.
26:44Well, you know I've always thought that.
26:46I mean, why can't they just say
26:48that they love each other?
26:50It's so obvious that they do.
26:53I love you.
26:54I love you.
26:55Well, I don't see why we should get involved.
26:57It's a piece of nonsense.
26:59Robert, you can be so masterful.
27:03Well, I have just been on a management course.
27:05Oh, Robert, show me.
27:07Well, they're not going to do it again, are they?
27:09You know what they say.
27:11If you can't beat them, join them.
27:13Oh, I feel a bit stressed out for this at the moment, Becky.
27:17Robert, what's the matter?
27:19Well, I'm sorry, darling.
27:21I'm just a bit tired.
27:23Robert, it's been two days.
27:27Would you marry me?
27:29I'll tell you in a minute.
27:30A minute?
27:31No, no, no, no, Tracy, no!
27:34I'm just a bit tired.
27:36I've been playing a lot of squats lately.
27:38I've just...
27:40Tracy, why have you left the phone off the hook?
27:42LAUGHTER
27:43My wife left me.
28:04She said I was unable to properly articulate my feelings.
28:11Oh!
28:12Karma!
28:13You're free again
28:26Who could love
28:30Do that to you
28:34All dressed in black
28:39Won't be coming back
28:43Just save your tears
28:47Not yes and yes
28:52Ooh, if you think it's over
28:55Because you said goodbye
29:00Ooh, if you think it's over
29:04I'll tell you why
29:06Bye, guys, bye
29:12Bye, bye
29:13That looks fun
29:15Bye
29:21Bye, vai
29:23Bye
29:23Bye
29:23Bye
29:24Bye
29:25Bye
29:25Bye
29:25Bye
29:27Bye
29:28Bye
29:29Bye
29:29Bye
29:31Bye
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