- 4 days ago
Experience Top Gear Season 2, Episode 8 with daring stunts, car reviews, and the trio’s signature mix of banter, speed, and unforgettable entertainment.
Episode 8 brings Top Gear Season 2 fun with the Nissan 350Z, a lineup of convertibles (e.g. VW Beetle, Audi Cabriolet), and supermodel Jodie Kidd in the celebrity lap
Episode 8 brings Top Gear Season 2 fun with the Nissan 350Z, a lineup of convertibles (e.g. VW Beetle, Audi Cabriolet), and supermodel Jodie Kidd in the celebrity lap
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TVTranscript
00:00Tonight, Rich and James enjoy life under canvas.
00:08An Alfa Romeo waving its arms around.
00:12And Darth Vader in a Honda Civic TIE Fighter R.
00:19Good evening. Now, back in the late 60s, Nissan, or Datsun as they were called back then,
00:25decided to make a sports car. This is it, the 240Z.
00:28It was a very simple recipe. Three parts E-Type Jaguar, two parts Corvette,
00:34and a sprinkling of Japanese reliability. Fabulous car.
00:39But unfortunately, they kept changing it, and each time they changed it, they made it a little bit worse.
00:45There was the 260Z, which was plump, the 280Z, which was John Prescott,
00:52and then, finally, they ended up with this enormous thing, the 300ZX.
00:58It's all on Brando, really. The horror.
01:01The horror.
01:03And I believe we've been joined here by some people from the Nissan Z Club, yes?
01:08Yes.
01:09Which is yours?
01:10A 280.
01:11In the name of all that's wholly possessed you to buy that.
01:15I bought it 15 years ago, and it looked good then.
01:18It didn't look good, it's beige with red seats.
01:22Are you from Birmingham?
01:23Yes, how did you guess?
01:25Which explains it all.
01:27Have you got one as well?
01:28I have so, yeah.
01:29Yeah.
01:30And you've got a beard.
01:31And you're from the Z Club?
01:32Yes, indeed.
01:33And you've got a beard.
01:34There, that explains the view of the Z car.
01:37Happily, however, Nissan has now gone back to basics with the 350Z.
01:43And I was so keen to give this a go, that when the very first one arrived in Britain months ago, I grabbed the keys and went for a drive.
01:49Part of the reason why Nissan's Z cars became so fat and so heavy over the years is that they were designed principally for the American market.
02:13And the ideal American car, as I'm sure you know, is an enormous sofa.
02:24This one, however, wasn't just designed for the Americans, it was designed in America, in California.
02:31Home of the palm-fringed, no-smoking, six-lane boulevard.
02:35And that's great, except we don't have any of that here.
02:39What we have is Sheffield.
02:43So, how does the surfer boy go down in the steel town?
02:59Well, to be honest, I think it looks a bit of a mess.
03:03But then it would, because it's a Japanese car designed in America.
03:07And the head of the whole project was a chap called AJ Panchal, who's an Indian, from Leicester.
03:15And the engine? Well, that's French.
03:18Incongruously, it's the 3.5-litre V6 from the Renault Velsatis.
03:22We've had fusion food before, but this is the first time that I've ever encountered a fusion car.
03:31Think of it as being a raw hamburger curry, served in a disinterested way on a bed of garlicky juice.
03:40Not that you can concentrate on the ingredients because of the stereo.
03:50You don't hear it so much as feel it, pulsating through an enormous subwoofer in the small of your back.
03:55If you're the sort of person who likes to cruise the streets, annoying everyone with your drum and bass, this is definitely the car for you.
04:05I'm afraid, however, I'm more interested in how a car goes.
04:16So I pointed its nose at the road which snakes out of Sheffield and up onto the moors.
04:22It doesn't take very long to work out that this car has a few weak links.
04:39And the biggest, weakest link of them all is the French bit.
04:44The engine.
04:45The engine.
04:48First of all, there's the noise, which is just a noise.
04:53A sort of wearisome drone.
04:55Listen.
04:57It just gets on your nerves.
05:00And then there's the performance.
05:03They say it'll do 0-60 in six seconds and on to a top speed of 150, and I'm sure it will.
05:09But it never really feels that fast, somehow.
05:18There's something else, too.
05:20When you look at the 350Z, you think it's going to be light and agile and spotty.
05:26I was expecting it to be like a Nikon camera, all kind of delicate and clever.
05:32I thought it'd be like a Mazda MX-5, but with more power.
05:37And it just isn't.
05:39Not even slightly.
05:44What it is, is a tonne and a half of ironmongery.
05:48It's a muscle car.
05:51Which should be good fun on a road like this.
05:54I could go very, very berserk at this point.
05:58But two things are stopping me.
06:01One, the noise. It's driving me mad.
06:03And secondly, it was on this very road that the drummer with a band called Def Leppard crashed his muscle car, a Corvette.
06:12And as a result of that, he now has to drive with a knob on his steering wheel.
06:17I also have to say that after a day behind the wheel, I am neckered.
06:26A hard ride and the effort of driving it makes it one of the most exhausting cars I've ever come across.
06:35And I haven't finished mauling it yet, either.
06:40The look of the interior is fine.
06:41I've got a big rev counter right in front of me, three ancillary dials over here.
06:46Driving position is good.
06:48But what's not so good is this.
07:01I've seen better build quality on an allotment shed.
07:06Now let's talk about practicality.
07:08There isn't any.
07:12It has no back seats at all, just a sort of bulk head to which all the various speakers are attached.
07:18And if we open the boot, we find an enormous strengthening beam where your dog would normally go.
07:26All things considered then, the 350 is a C-.
07:31Three out of ten.
07:33Could do better.
07:38So, no good then.
07:40Not really.
07:41And the thing is, there's no shortage of sports coupes coming up.
07:43There's the Mazda RX8, which is very nice.
07:45Yeah, Wankel rotary engine.
07:46Very good engine.
07:47Audi TT, they're putting a V6 in that with a clever gearbox thing.
07:50There's the Chrysler Crossfire.
07:52That's a Mercedes SLK with an American body on it, yeah.
07:55The point being, it's not exactly got the feel to itself, has it?
07:57Well, no, but the thing is, is that Nissan have now said,
07:59Aha, but the car you drove was sort of for a, I don't know, a small market in the south of France or somewhere.
08:04The British ones, which are going on sale in...
08:06That's September.
08:07Yeah, September, October.
08:08Are going to have better suspension, bigger fuel tank, different aerodynamics, better interior trim,
08:14traction controller stand, could be completely different.
08:16Which rather begs the question, why did this say, there's a new car, see what you think.
08:20It won't be anything like that, obviously, but there it is anyway.
08:22Nevertheless, we'll give them, I think, we'll give them the benefit of the doubt, we'll hope the British ones are better,
08:27and then when we get a British one, then we'll give it to the Stig.
08:31Right, time for the news.
08:33Now, it's a terrible shame Jeremy didn't like the 350Z.
08:35I wondered if he might be interested in the 350Z watch.
08:39It's a very large watch with a very small face, what do you think of that?
08:43It'll probably go, TIK TOK, TIK TOK, and be very heavy.
08:48You'll have to be like this all day long with it.
08:49In the last program, we were talking about crashing and what happens, and there's NCAP crash tests,
08:53and remember, we crashed them again. Sorry, Renault.
08:57This is the Espace, the new one, and they've done it again,
09:01because this has actually been through, just put through those NCAP crash tests,
09:04which they crash into a barrier and assess how well it does,
09:06and it's got not only five stars, it's got the highest points ever in the crash test,
09:10which you've got to hand it to Renault, they're taking this very seriously.
09:12So that's the safest car they've ever tested, then?
09:14According to those crash tests, yeah, that is the safest thing they've ever tested.
09:17Still got other people carrier there, don't they?
09:19Um, but you started going on about the Hummer.
09:21Oh, that's very safe, because it's as big as it has.
09:24Really, really safe car, if you crash it.
09:26Apparently not.
09:27So here is one that's been crashed, and that doesn't look...
09:31Oh, and that's run into an American's buttock.
09:34You spilled my burger!
09:37Um, you can see...
09:38He's dropped his styrofoam, go, oh hell, oh hell, I've gone and run into my wife.
09:43One of her cheeks has done that to the front of my car.
09:46That's a mess.
09:47That's a mess.
09:48Now, listen, have you seen, they've announced now that we're not allowed to use our mobile phones
09:54while driving as of December the 1st?
09:58Yeah.
09:59Why not?
10:00What possible reason is there for you not being able to use your mobile?
10:04I mean, if you've got one hand, okay, and you talk to the phone, are they saying that one-handed people can't drive?
10:09Really?
10:10That's true.
10:11That's not right.
10:12Sorry, that's just not fair on disabled people.
10:14You know, there's plenty of people who've got one arm and can drive perfectly well.
10:16And if they say, well, it's the talking, but you talk to your passenger and you talk to kids in the back.
10:22I just don't...
10:23This is just government meddling.
10:25This is a true story, and I am ashamed of it.
10:28I was driving along Ford Galaxy Magnolia Leather curry on the passenger seat.
10:32A drunk bloke walked into the road.
10:34Instinctively, I braked.
10:36I saw the curry tip, I thought, that's my dinner.
10:38I not only took my foot off the brake, I put it back on the throttle.
10:41Anyway, if anybody here is interested, I've developed a special new car sticker that says Booner On Board.
10:48That's enough curry.
10:51Now, did you know that the British buy more convertibles than the French, the Italians and the Spanish put together?
10:56We were absolutely amazed at this, and what's more, there's a whole raft of new ones out this year,
11:00so me and Hammond here, we thought we'd take a selection of them on a typical British summer holiday.
11:06This is Buttermear, the wettest place in Britain.
11:13And this is the campsite at the wettest place in Britain.
11:18And we're staying here tonight because we're British.
11:21Right, it's the morning. I'm going to take a look outside the tent.
11:32Now, if it's raining, foreigners are going to roll about laughing at us.
11:35But if it's sunny, even if it's just dry, they will never know how good we feel.
11:40It's dry.
11:49Yes!
11:51And that is just one of the reasons why we love these cars.
11:57It's that crazy British optimism.
11:59Because you never know, any day, summer or winter, you might just get to drive it with the top men.
12:06This is the new VW Beetle. We've waited years for this to arrive.
12:10And from some angles, it does look a bit classic.
12:15I mean, look at that roof folded down there.
12:18Looks like somebody's glued a lilo to the boot.
12:21Now, you can buy a Beetle Cabriolet for 15,400 quid.
12:36Now, that's for the 1.6.
12:38This is the two-litre engine version, which is 17,500.
12:42And that's about 17,500 too much.
12:46It looks cute now, but it's a fashion statement that'll be out of fashion very soon.
12:52It might have been saved if it was good to drive, but it's not that either.
12:56It's only virtues are for good seats and the fact that it's German.
13:01This does feel very well put together. You can't deny that.
13:03It's really, really solid. And I like the plastics. Yeah, they're nice.
13:07I like the body, colour, repeat, panel on top of the door.
13:10All I've got to do is make it in the shape of a proper car, and it'll be terrific.
13:14Right, here we are now driving into the rain, which in some ways is beneficial.
13:18People will tell you this in the pub all the time.
13:21You take the top of your convertible car, you drive it in the rain,
13:24you get above a certain speed, and you're fine. You don't get wet.
13:27It's rubbish. I'm soaked.
13:30I'm not sure this is such a smart idea.
13:33Why do you think that? You just think we're a pair of screaming...
13:35Well, exactly.
13:36Yes.
13:39I'm going to have to put the roof up.
13:41Ah! Stop!
13:43What happened?
13:44I've had enough.
13:45It's got a squall in the face.
13:55What we want in Britain is a convertible car for sunny days
13:58and a hard top for the other 364, which is why we like folding metal roofs.
14:04This is the smallest and most ingenious yet, the Daihatsu Kopen.
14:09It's so ingenious, we might not notice that this toy car costs almost £13,000.
14:14Now, the ride's a bit rock hard on this thing, but apart from that, it's really rather good.
14:19It's got red leather seats and a Momo steering wheel.
14:22The engine goes to 8,500 revs and there's a really nice cold metal ball on top of the gear stick.
14:28So all we have is a sort of Sony Ferrari.
14:32Same sort of thing, but much smaller.
14:35660 cc's and a turbocharger. It's brilliant.
14:40Ah, the new Audi A4, the benchmark four-seater Cabriolet.
14:45Normally, the A4 Cabrio is a fabulously discreet car.
14:50But in this case, they've spoiled it by painting it in a colour called Cosmic Yellow,
14:55which is also known as Premium Beige.
14:58Right, now it's not just the colour that lets this car down.
15:02Cos here we go. We're in the country.
15:04This is nice.
15:06Gentle tweeting of birds.
15:07Slight breeze to the undergrowth over there.
15:10Let's have another country sound.
15:13Ah yes, Massey Ferguson.
15:16It's a diesel!
15:17Somebody decided, let's make a discreetly glamorous four-seater Cabriolet
15:22and equip it with a tractor's engine.
15:24It is a good diesel engine.
15:27Well, in truth, it's a fantastic diesel engine.
15:30And actually, it's not that noisy, isn't it?
15:33No, it's not. Not on the move.
15:35But when you're going slow, or you're just creeping through town,
15:39most significantly just pulling up outside a nice bar.
15:43Yeah.
15:46You were going to say, that's nice, where's the taxi?
15:48No, it's just not right.
15:50A diesel Cabrio is like a supermodel smoking a pipe.
15:54Audi should have stuck with the formula, like Mercedes have with their new CLK.
16:03This one, for example, has a big, extravagant and completely illogical 5-litre V8.
16:11Like the Audi A4, this Mercedes CLK convertible dwells deep in the heartland of the posh German car.
16:18But there's a difference.
16:21This one's wearing a huge Rolex.
16:27And it wants you to know it was really expensive.
16:29Prices start at £30,000, which is where the A4s stop.
16:33This one cost £58,000.
16:36Smaller Mercedes convertibles have metal folding roofs, the SL and the SLK.
16:41This one's got a canvas one because, well, a four-seater folding roof just wouldn't fit in the boot.
16:47But what a canvas roof.
16:50I mean, compared with our tent, 280 components just in the roof frame and a lightning conductor.
16:56So, a Cabriolet can be big or small, flash or a shrinking violet.
17:04Or maybe it can be nearly all those things.
17:07Citroen reckons its new Pluriel can be anything you want it to be.
17:11This is the convertible stage.
17:16That's the convertible.
17:17Yeah.
17:23Oh, no.
17:25Yeah, that's it.
17:29That's...
17:30Cabriolet.
17:32Ow!
17:34Ow!
17:38Where's the flaps?
17:39They're not under the floor base, are they?
17:41No.
17:42Are you sure they're not under the floor base?
17:43No.
17:46A bit like that.
17:47Oh, I see.
17:48You have to...
17:49Look.
17:50Yeah, I'm done.
17:51I'm doing it.
17:52Try that.
17:54You spoiled that!
17:56That's the spider.
17:57Shut the door.
17:59Great.
18:00Look good with it.
18:04Being French, most of the trim will drop off.
18:07But what's underneath is pretty tough.
18:09It costs from $12,000 to $13,500, and you can have a 1.4 or a 1.6 engine.
18:15But if you go for the 1.6, you have to have the flappy paddle gear shift.
18:21And...
18:22It's hopeless.
18:23I'm changing gear.
18:24Right, I'm going to put it in second to go around this corner.
18:26That's okay.
18:27Now I'm going to wait for third.
18:28And now it's changed.
18:30I'm going to select fourth.
18:31No.
18:32Oh, now I've got it.
18:33What?
18:34Have you got something else on?
18:35And there's another problem.
18:38Ow, ow, ow.
18:39Ow, ow.
18:40I'm going right left.
18:41Ow.
18:44Citroen has the belief that most people will prefer to drive it with the roof rails in place.
18:48Well, I can see why.
18:49Yeah, because it's really...
18:50Because it's in place or in your crotch.
18:53So is it going to rain then?
18:54Yeah.
18:55Almost certainly.
18:57Well, I brought the roof.
18:58Just to be able to save size.
19:04So, judging by the film there, you didn't much go for the pluriel.
19:08No.
19:09It's a shame.
19:10I really wanted to like that because it is quite kind of cutesy looking and it is clever with all that adaptation stuff.
19:15But you just...
19:16The roof is such a faff.
19:18Driving you mad.
19:19Excellent hire car.
19:20Yeah.
19:21Oh, on holiday, yeah.
19:22Because then you can give it back.
19:23At the end.
19:24On that gearbox, it's just driving you mad.
19:26I thought it was quite safe though.
19:28It's very safe.
19:29It did very well.
19:30End cap crash test four stars, which is about the safest supermini.
19:33And that was...
19:34That was with the roof rails off.
19:35So it's a four-star cabrio.
19:36The thing that worries me most of all about it is...
19:38Listen to this.
19:39It's hollow.
19:40Yes.
19:41Because there's nothing in it at all.
19:43Has it got an engine?
19:44Yeah, you have a 1.4 or a 1.6.
19:46But...
19:47So we wouldn't have that.
19:48Right.
19:49Let's just run through the others very quickly.
19:50The dihats you cope in a good car or a bad car?
19:53Good car.
19:54Good car.
19:55He's mad on it.
19:56It's fantastic.
19:57No, you're not going to get this, I know.
19:58But that car, it's small.
19:59It's silly.
20:00All it does is make the rest of the world massive.
20:02You know like the Incredible Shrinking Man in that film where the telephone keeps getting
20:06bigger in his hand?
20:07No.
20:08Alright.
20:09But I'm sure it happened.
20:10It didn't happen.
20:11I just don't remember it.
20:12It's a bit like that.
20:13You sort of drive around amongst these massive road signs and huge hatchbacks.
20:15It's absolutely brilliant.
20:16I noticed it myself.
20:17I thought it was alright.
20:19Beetle.
20:20Would you buy one or not?
20:21No.
20:22Nope.
20:23No.
20:24Bluriel we've done.
20:25What about this finished in lovely baby diarrhea here?
20:27What is it?
20:28In any other colour, that is a fabulous four-seated camera.
20:31Yeah.
20:32It really is the business.
20:33Yeah.
20:34It is.
20:35I see I've driven this.
20:36I know it's to be a very, very good car.
20:37Super.
20:38The Mercedes.
20:39Would you buy one of those?
20:40Possibly, but not with that engine.
20:42That's the 500 V8.
20:43I don't know about you, but driving a convertible, I sort of think you either have a performance
20:47car, and you drive it vigorously, or you take the top off and you smell the cow pat.
20:52So you might as well have a little engine.
20:53You might as well.
20:54But if you have a little engine, why have that?
20:55Why not have the Audi?
20:56I was about to say, you might as well have the Audi, frankly.
20:58I can't see why you'd take the murk over the Audi.
21:00Have the Audi.
21:01So of all of them, which do you like the most?
21:03Audi, Köpen.
21:04So we've basically decided, of all these convertibles, we like the Audi and we like
21:08the Köpen.
21:09Yeah.
21:10Excellent.
21:11But I could, I can't drive that Köpen.
21:12You would look spectacularly ridiculous.
21:13I hope you do one day.
21:14I'd love to see it.
21:15I've got to try this out.
21:16I've got to see what this looks like.
21:17I've got to see that.
21:19It's not so much a car as a shoe.
21:21Oh, look at that, that's fantastic!
21:25Do you know the really, do you know the really funny thing is, is that if I did more
21:31than 500 miles in it, I'd end up with hair like this guy.
21:34Look!
21:35Look at this!
21:36Who came in a Köpen?
21:39Yeah.
21:40Oh dear.
21:41I don't know.
21:42I think you should just work harder and buy an SL.
21:45But there we are.
21:46Now, my guest tonight is very, very tall and a global fashion icon.
21:51Kind of like me, really.
21:53Ladies and gentlemen, supermodel, Jodie Kidd.
22:00Now look, this is what we've been waiting for, really.
22:14God, I can't tell you how nice it is to have someone on the show who's a proper size.
22:18I know, I don't have to look down the whole time.
22:21No, exactly.
22:22But what about cars?
22:23Do you have trouble getting in them?
22:24I do indeed, actually.
22:25But, yeah, I'm quite nimble.
22:28I can fit in.
22:29You know, I'm not that big, big.
22:32You know, I'm tall.
22:33No, because there was, I mean, I have a rule.
22:38I basically always say, I can get into anything I want to get into.
22:41Yes, that does help.
22:42A bit of a Ferrari.
22:43Yeah, you're going to say I'll do it.
22:44That does help.
22:45I don't mind driving with my knees up here.
22:46Exactly, I've always found that with knees around your elbows.
22:49Yeah.
22:50Actually, for you, that might, yeah.
22:52Now, you were recently described in the Birmingham Evening Post as being, and I've got it written
22:59down here, a self-indulgent celebrity setting a really bad example.
23:04Great.
23:05I'm really happy.
23:06That's exactly what I want to be.
23:09Did you know that?
23:10The Birmingham Post.
23:11This was about, apparently, you going on the Gumball Rally.
23:14Ah.
23:15I think that's a great idea.
23:16The Gumball, yeah, no, it's fantastic.
23:18How does it work?
23:19Because I've never been on one.
23:20It's just a group of really cool people that have nice cars just going for a very long
23:26drive.
23:27And it's across America?
23:28And it's across, yeah.
23:29I've done it twice.
23:30I did it from east coast to west coast, and then this year we did it from San Francisco
23:34to Miami.
23:35So it's like sort of time trials, and they say you've got to get from A to B.
23:38No, it's not, because if you did that, then everyone would start racing because you have
23:42Ferraris, you have the most serious supercars, and of course, if you're going to say to someone,
23:47right, whoever gets here the quickest is going to win, everyone's going to race.
23:50So how fast were people driving?
23:52Ah, I don't know.
23:53Well, I do.
23:54But I don't know why I asked you the question, but I'm perfectly aware of how fast.
23:58I don't know.
23:59There was one guy who took a Koenigsegg.
24:00Oh, God, you know about it.
24:02220 miles an hour.
24:04I thought it was 40.
24:05240, was it?
24:06240.
24:07I'm sorry, I'll stand corrected.
24:08And so how fast did you go?
24:10I know the answer to this one as well.
24:15I did about 95, in a Dodge Viper.
24:20I think it was 140.
24:22Because you have the truckers all help out, don't they?
24:25Yeah, the truckers are great.
24:26The truckers tell you where all the police are sitting.
24:29We went the last year.
24:32Why would you need to know that?
24:34I don't know.
24:35It was warning all the people behind me, you see.
24:38Okay, yeah.
24:39So I had to, you know, the Ferraris and all that.
24:42So...
24:43They have the Gumball in Europe now as well, don't you?
24:48Yes, well, they're taking it back to Europe again next year.
24:51But I've just done, I literally, last week, did a five-day rally.
24:57And so what were you driving in that?
24:59I was driving my car as the Maserati Spider.
25:01You've got a Maserati Spider?
25:03I do indeed.
25:04Surrounded by people with Maseratis.
25:06Because they're good cars, Jeremy.
25:08No, you see, no, they're not.
25:09Yes, they are.
25:10No, they're not.
25:12Have you driven one on the track?
25:15Yes, I have.
25:16How did it feel on the track?
25:18It was different on the track to on the road.
25:20I think we've got some footage, actually.
25:23Oh, Jodie, having a little bit of a run with the Stig, yeah?
25:25Yes.
25:26Who'd like to see that?
25:27No.
25:28Let's put it, here we go.
25:30Oh, it's beautiful.
25:31Oh, it's beautiful.
25:47That's really insane.
25:48He's got mental as well.
26:01So where did the love of cars come from?
26:08Um, I don't know.
26:09I mean, I've always been, I always rode horses my whole life, and I just, I feel that when
26:16I got behind a wheel of a really fast car, it was that kind of same adrenaline, that feeling
26:22you get when you're riding a horse and you're playing polo, and it's just a, it's a great
26:26freedom, I feel.
26:27So, no, the polo is, because the one thing that I, I'm genuinely, or don't understand,
26:33is if they play on polo ponies.
26:35Yeah, but they can be horses.
26:36Oh, you can?
26:37It's just the name.
26:38Because I was thinking with you, it has to be a shark horse, really.
26:40Yeah, no, I've got the six-legged horse.
26:42How tall is your horse?
26:43Um, it's, you probably won't understand, but about 15'3".
26:47But that's small, I have to have 17.
26:48How do you know what 15'3 is if you don't know anything about horses?
26:51I know everything about horses.
26:52I don't know anything about polo.
26:54Okay.
26:55I have three donkeys at home.
26:56Do you?
26:57Jeffrey, Eddie, and Kristin Scott donkey.
27:00I do.
27:01I adore my donkeys, they are my life, they're everything.
27:06I just think they're fantastic.
27:07Very noisy.
27:08Depends what you do to them.
27:09I mean, I'm not mine.
27:11I'm not mine.
27:12I'm not mine.
27:13I'm not mine.
27:14I'm not mine.
27:15I'm not mine.
27:16I'm not mine.
27:17I'm not mine.
27:18I'm not mine.
27:20I'm not mine.
27:21Now, I can tell you're chomping at the bit, if I may use a horse expression, to find out
27:22how you did-
27:23Yeah.
27:24On your Suzuki Liana, that.
27:25Yeah, I-
27:26Burned.
27:27Okay, because as you probably know by now, we get a celebrity on every week,
27:28we put them in the same car, Suzuki Liana, star in a reasonably priced car, it's cool,
27:30and we send them round the track.
27:311 minute 48 and then at the bottom we've got richard wikley who took two weeks and six days
27:38So where do you think you're going to fit?
27:43Seriously competitive so I went round and round and round until I got a good practice left
27:47Yeah, Tara came Tara Palmer Tomkinson. You've got to beat her
27:52She did say at one point. She got distracted by she thought she saw a good-looking man
27:56unlikely frankly here
27:58And that slowed her down a bit 154 but you reckon you're going to beat her. I hope I meet Tara. Well, should we find out everyone?
28:05This is Jodie's lap
28:14Subaru Suzuki
28:22That was the best I've ever seen anyone go around
28:28I
28:30I
28:32Love people's faces at this point everybody comes out. I don't really care. You said you're a bit competitive
28:49You're a bit competitive and I'm actually nervous
28:51You're actually nervous you want to beat Tara. Yes one minute 54. Yes, you beat Tara
28:57You want to be Steve Coogan?
28:591 minute 53. Of course you beat Coogan. Oh
29:03Don't be Jamie Oliver at 1.50 particularly as very much. I'm 1.50 and Gordon Ramsay's 1.50
29:07Yeah, go on
29:09Oh my god
29:11You want to beat J.K. Yes. You did
29:13No!
29:15We don't have points on this but actually you were 0.3 of a second faster than J.K.
29:27I would expect him to be back next week. I don't know
29:29I should explain we don't have points on this but actually you were 0.3 of a second faster than J.K.
29:41I would expect him to be back next week. I don't know
29:45Ladies and gentlemen, Jodie Kidd!
29:59Now, have you ever wondered who would be faster in a Honda Civic? Darth Vader or Ming the Merciless?
30:08We have. So we set out to find the fastest master of the universe.
30:15So, here we are. One car. One track. And of course there can be only one master of the universe.
30:25So you go straight up through the gearbox. 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th. So it'll be quite rapid as you get to the 1st kink.
30:31As you pass the tars, you're in 3rd gear. Hard on the brakes down to 2nd. Turn in, follow the right hand line.
30:38The marked line. Pass the tars, you're in 3rd gear. Hard on the brakes down to 2nd. Turn in, follow the right hand line.
30:43Nice, exciting finish. Any questions on that?
30:52First up in the Civic Type R is Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith, Master of the Dark Side.
30:59Now, Darth, no messing about, all right? No dirty playing.
31:02Go on, Darth. Use the force. Go on. Oh, he's lifted.
31:17Well, he may be having family problems at home, but he's still put in a cracking lamp.
31:32Next turn, from Earth's twin planet, Mondas, ruthless and emotionless, the Cyberman.
31:40Three, two, one, go!
31:49Slight problem with his helmet, but apart from that, he's on for a good lap.
31:53But, oh no! What's this?
32:05Well, whatever happens now, he knows his lap time is ruined.
32:10He'll be complaining to the stewards about that, and frankly, who can blame him?
32:14Next up, Ming the Merciless, Emperor of the planet Mongo, half-human, half-lizard.
32:24His hobby is destroying planets...
32:27...and tyres.
32:29...and tyres.
32:36That is looking pretty tasty, actually, for me. I think it could be quite better.
32:40Shut up, wait. Shut up, wait.
32:46Yes, indeed. Ming's on a hot one.
32:50But Darth and the Force have another plan.
32:53That will.
33:12Now that is how you get to rule galaxies. Never give up.
33:20What are you, Ming the Merciless?
33:21Ah, a goodie. Doctor Who.
33:26Um, um, just got one note as you clamber in.
33:29No time travel, OK? None of that messing about.
33:31Looks a bit smaller on the inside.
33:33Disappointment for you, that. I can understand.
33:42First you came, remember, kick to the middle line.
33:46Obviously, you're not going to be, um, wanting him to do too well out there,
33:48because when you'll want to do better than him.
33:52Because you'd be upset.
33:54Can you get upset?
34:00I think he's on for a good time.
34:06And now, from the planet Klingzai, the ill-tempered and humorless Klingon.
34:11OK, no cheating.
34:13Sure, man.
34:14And almost immediately, the Cornish pasty-faced villain resorts to cheating.
34:25You know, I knew he'd do that. He's cloaked.
34:32So, a dastardly lap time there from the Klingon.
34:38But will it be enough to defeat the most evil being in the galaxy?
34:42Oh, dear. He's not going to like that.
34:57Exterminate!
34:59Exterminate, exterminate!
35:00Exterminate, exterminate!
35:02You will be exterminated!
35:10EXTERMINATE!
35:14Well, it turns out, then, it turns out that Daleks aren't just flummoxed by stairs.
35:35Absolutely.
35:36Completely beaten by the Honda Civic, so I'm afraid our Dalek didn't even finish.
35:40She was so evil.
35:41Well done.
35:42Then, in fifth place, Ming, you plonker, you crashed.
35:46One minute forty-nine, decent effort, certainly not you, he's going to be a master of the universe.
35:50In fourth place, the Doctor, one minute forty-three, very good time, sir.
35:53Are you pleased with that?
35:55I don't know, I haven't heard the others yet.
35:56Yeah, but you're in fourth, that's not good.
35:58And for an automatic, it was very noisy, I have to say that.
36:01Yeah, glad to see no time travel messing around in there.
36:03Not yet.
36:03It wasn't an automatic.
36:05Oh, wasn't it?
36:05Oh, that's why it was so noisy.
36:07Now I understand.
36:09Just thought I'd chip in there.
36:10Thank you, Jeremy.
36:11It's a manual.
36:11Very timely.
36:12Important.
36:12See, incisive motoring journalism there.
36:14In third place, our Klingon, with one minute forty-two, which is actually pretty good,
36:20some very aggressive driving, problems with the understeer, but you seem to beat it.
36:24Are you happy with that?
36:25Right.
36:27Jeremy, you have any idea about this?
36:28I've got the Klingon thing here, the translation, you can download this from the internet.
36:33The understeer in that type R is diabolical.
36:36Yeah, I thought we had problems with that.
36:37Still, well in third place.
36:38In second place, with one minute thirty-seven, Darth Vader, very good effort there.
36:44No, probably better not shave it anyway.
36:45And that means then...
36:47Well, actually, can we have a round of applause for Darth Vader?
36:49Yeah.
36:49Can we do that again?
36:50A round of applause.
36:50Second place, which means we have a winner.
36:57It's the Cyberman.
37:04Another shoddy trophy there from the Top Gear people.
37:11Uh, people, and you must be thrilled with that.
37:18Really, really thrilled?
37:21It's like interviewing Kimi Räikkönen this.
37:23Yeah.
37:24Keep going.
37:25You're bringing him out of himself.
37:30Okay, a few weeks ago, we asked people to send us photographs of kind of bodged custom jobs.
37:36And the address we gave out was,
37:37I'm a clot and I've ruined my car.
37:40Now, funnily enough, we didn't get too many responses to that.
37:43But we did get a lot from people who addressed their envelopes.
37:47My neighbor is a clot and his room.
37:50His car.
37:52Okay, now let's see the first one here on the screen.
37:55No!
37:57What I find particularly interesting about this is the crook lot.
38:04Who the hell is he thinking is going to steal it?
38:07And then, if you must report it to the police.
38:08Yes, it's a Peugeot 205 XS.
38:12Yeah, with that, with flames going out of the side of it.
38:16Or worse still, if they find it and he hasn't told them,
38:18we've found your car, sir.
38:19You won't believe what they've done to it.
38:21I did it myself.
38:24Right, I've got one here.
38:25It's a Citroen BX, okay?
38:26Sensible car, otherwise.
38:27Look at that!
38:29I mean, clearly what's happening, he was on the ramp, having it fixed,
38:33and he just drove off and took the ramp with him.
38:35And, of course, what's interesting about the BX is it's got suspension that goes up and down.
38:40I mean, she's going to get stuck, that is amazing.
38:45Okay, now listen, there was one that was sent in, I just howled.
38:48Because, plainly, what the guy had done was magnetise his whole car and then drive through a branch of Halfords.
38:56Shall we see that?
38:58Yes!
39:00That is wonderful!
39:03What does he think he looks like?
39:06But, actually, there was another one.
39:07Okay, look at this.
39:08Some bloke magnetised the interior of his car and then went through a scrapyard.
39:12Look at this one.
39:15Oh, I think another hundred dials would be fine in that.
39:18Right, spoilers.
39:19It turns out, and I think we kind of know this, spoilers are a very rich vein here to explore when it comes to, well, spoiling your car.
39:26Thoroughly.
39:27And, here, I think this is awesome.
39:29Okay, it's on a Porsche.
39:30Look at that!
39:32Now, that, that is a spoiler.
39:34No, it isn't.
39:35No, no, no.
39:37No, this is tiny.
39:39This is a pathetic little thing.
39:41I'll show you something.
39:42Let's look at this one.
39:43Yes!
39:46I mean, this is America, isn't it?
39:49Hey, I've got a bigger one.
39:52It's going to tip over.
39:53It must.
39:54That's just extraordinary.
39:57I have to say, okay, my absolute favourite, though, is, let's just see the roof of it here.
40:03Now, this is fair enough.
40:04The guy's obviously a fan of the Dukes of Hazzard and the General Lee car with the Confederate flag.
40:09Nothing wrong with it at all.
40:11Let's now have a look at the car.
40:12Now, I'm guessing that's a Vauxhall Cavalier, isn't it?
40:20I think so.
40:20Oh, you can see through that.
40:22You can't just write Dodge Charger on the back of it at all.
40:25Next week, I'm going to turn it into a Lamborghini using the same technique.
40:29Now, long as few years, hot hatchbacks have been in the doldrums, but in the last few months, they've been coming back with a vengeance.
40:35Every other day, it seems, another one comes along, which has got more power than all the others, and a new, exciting way of getting that power onto the road.
40:43A year ago, we gasped when Ford introduced the Ford Focus RS.
40:53It had 212 brake horsepower, which was harnessed by a clever new type of front differential.
41:01Then Volkswagen came along with the Golf R32.
41:05This had 237 brake horsepower, which was kept in check with an ingenious four-wheel drive system.
41:12And now we have the Alfa Romeo 147 GTA, which has 250 brake horsepower.
41:21So, does it have a front differential?
41:24No.
41:26Does it have a four-wheel drive system?
41:28No.
41:33The result is, shall we say, exciting, in the same way that it's exciting to share your bath with a fan heater.
41:42In a straight line, it doesn't just beat the fawn of the Volkswagen, it annihilates them.
42:01It really is a massively fast car.
42:090-60 takes six seconds dead, and it would be faster still, if you could use all the power.
42:17Just imagine what the front wheels are having to do in this car.
42:22They've got to do the steering, they've got to do most of the braking, and all the time they're being attacked by 250 mad Italian, overexcitable Il Paglio horses.
42:34The traction control is on, virtually constantly, trying desperately to keep power away from the wheels.
42:48There we go.
42:52You may as well have a 1.3.
42:54And the problem is, that if you turn the traction control off, all hell breaks loose.
43:03It wouldn't be so bad if the chassis was any good, but it's really very, very wobbly and loose, and all the time you've got this big, heavy V6 engine, trying to drag you in a straight line into the nearest piece of underground.
43:24It's a mess.
43:25This car is insane, but that's okay, because you'd have to be insane to buy one.
43:36No, really, I can pretty much guarantee that it will go wrong in some way.
43:41I mean, I've had this one half a day, and look, look at that wheel wobble.
43:45And that will put you in the hands of the Alfa Romeo dealer network, widely acknowledged to be the worst in all of Britain.
43:53And there's more.
43:56Alphas depreciate as fast as they accelerate.
43:59You pay $22,000 for this car now, and in three years it'll be worth way less than half of that.
44:07If you have even a modicum of common sense, you'll avoid the 147 and buy one of the other two.
44:14The Golf, probably.
44:15It manages to be very nearly as fast as the Alfa, without being completely...
44:24Right then, so, complete disaster.
44:29No, fabulous car.
44:30Wonderful in every way.
44:32Hang on, Jeremy, you said it would lose all of its value.
44:34Yeah.
44:35It would fall apart and it would probably crash into a field anyway.
44:38Yeah.
44:38Those are usually seen as bad things.
44:40Yeah, you're right.
44:41But there's another way of looking at Alphas, isn't there?
44:43And the first place to start is under the bonnet.
44:47That, you see, is not a 3.2 litre V6.
44:50It's a heart, with this kind of chrome ventricle sticking out of it.
44:54And then if you go to the interior, look at the body-hugging seats and the hand-stitched leather.
44:59And those dials are like off a Ferrari and the aluminium pedals.
45:03It's just such a nice place to be.
45:06It really is.
45:07I mean, I know that it handles like a stallion with half a hundred weight of wasabi up its backside.
45:12And I know it'll ruin you.
45:14But, if you want to be sensible, go on the bus.
45:18Look, can we just nail this down then finally, Jeremy?
45:21So, if it's the real world and it's your money and you're buying one, what are you going to choose?
45:25The golf, the focus, or this?
45:27For real?
45:27Yeah, not the focus.
45:28It's the cheapest.
45:29It is the cheapest and it's very good on the track, but in the real world, that diff just makes it, ooh, twitchy.
45:36As I said in the film, I would go for the golf.
45:38Every fibre of my body would say, buy the golf, and I'd be on my way to buy one.
45:43I'd veer off and buy one of these.
45:44Yeah, and you'd find me in the same showroom buying one as well, because it's crazy, but that's the one I'd go for.
45:49It is, it's mental.
45:50And that's the thing, of course, we're kind of women, as we keep being reminded by him.
45:54You're a man, what's it going to be?
45:56The alpha.
45:57You go for the alpha as well?
45:58But, of course, there is one more thing we've got to do, because we know nothing.
46:03Avanti.
46:04Stigissimo.
46:06So, off the line, and predictably a huge amount of wheel spin.
46:10Now, there are two big questions here.
46:11Will the alpha beat the RS focus, and will it have any front tires left at the end of the lap?
46:20Oh, there we go.
46:21Nice.
46:22The stig's gone.
46:23Easy listening opera.
46:25It's enough to bring a tear to his helmet.
46:28Okay, there he is.
46:29He's round Chicago.
46:30He's keeping surprisingly tight.
46:32I should say, of course, the stig's doing this with no traction control.
46:35If you buy a 147 GTA, please don't try it at home.
46:39Mind you, that said, the button that disengages it, traction control, will probably fall off anyway.
46:43Oh, that is very fast through there, very fast, flat out.
46:50If he tries this corner, he could end up in our studio with the understeer.
46:53It's got no, he's through it.
46:54Is he going to beat?
46:55He was four seconds off of the halfway mark, four seconds off the focus, and he beat it across the line.
46:59Okay, I've got the time here, and it's one minute, 35.6, which puts it sort of there.
47:09Yeah, now, you've got to ignore the Ferraris, the Lotuses, the Astons, because they were all done in the wet.
47:13The ones we were after are the Golf, so it's two seconds behind that, two and a half, and the focus, three seconds behind that.
47:18That's quite slow.
47:20Does that bother you?
47:21Nope, not at all.
47:22Still have it.
47:23You'd still buy the Alfa, even though it's slow.
47:24What about you?
47:25Couldn't care less.
47:26No, and neither could I.
47:28I'd still have the Alfa, even though it's slow, and that's the extraordinary thing about the world of cars.
47:32It's like the Humvee we had on a couple of weeks ago.
47:34Bad cars can be brilliant, and there's your example.
47:38And so, on that completely illogical, wildly understeering bombshell, good night.
47:44See you next week.
47:49And there's more Top Gear at the same time next Sunday.
47:52Fighting to save premature babies next on BBC Prime in Life Before Birth.
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