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00:00I really think I should change the appointment.
00:23Dad, it's just a prostate check.
00:26Women spend their entire lives being messed around by doctors.
00:28And you're banging on about one little finger up your bum.
00:31It might not be so little.
00:32My bros do medicine at Exeter and they're all horrendous rugger-buggers.
00:36I mean, fingers like bananas, Dr! Mark.
00:40Giles can pick up a football single-handed.
00:43Right, I'm going to change my appointment.
00:46Dad, you're not changing it.
00:47But it's on the same day as the ballroom dance.
00:50I won't be able to walk, let alone do the cha-cha.
00:53I've been looking it up on the net.
00:55Apparently, the muscles can go into rigid spasm.
00:59How am I going to dance with a rigid backside?
01:02Hang on, that's not right.
01:06Excuse me, I think you're in the wrong queue.
01:10Wrong queue?
01:11Yes, this is the eight items or less queue.
01:13You've got eleven.
01:14Have you been spying on my shopping?
01:16No, I have not been spying.
01:18I've been conducting a citizen's survey and you're in the wrong queue.
01:22The four cans are one item.
01:25Only if they're in a four pack.
01:27Those will have to be swiped separately.
01:30Four of the same is one.
01:32Excuse me, but by that argument, identical quadruplets would travel on the same passport,
01:38which any UK Borders Protection Officer will tell you they don't.
01:42You're raving taunter.
01:44Pop it, or I'll get the manager.
01:47I'll remember you.
01:50Dad, I actually want to die.
01:53The ability to respect a queue is what made Britain great.
01:58It's how our sailors managed to pull so many boys off on the beaches.
02:04He's talking about Dunkirk, Vic.
02:06And never let it be forgotten.
02:11I'm collecting for my favourite charity boys.
02:13Will you contribute?
02:14Of course, Malika.
02:15What's the cause?
02:16The local hospice.
02:17Hospice?
02:18What's that?
02:19Hospital with a lisp?
02:21Wrong, probably.
02:22I know.
02:23I've done the course.
02:24A hospice is where they care for the dying, Bernard.
02:26Is that something you're interested in then, Malika?
02:28The dying?
02:29I got involved when my late husband was failing.
02:32You contributed him, so to speak.
02:34I was in Weston's Supermare when he ate the fatal meal, Clive.
02:38Saw the coroner's report accepted at the time.
02:42Ah!
02:43Ah!
02:44Ah!
02:45Ah!
02:46Ah!
02:47Ah!
02:48Ah!
02:49Ah!
02:50Ah!
02:51Ah!
02:52Ah!
02:53Ah!
02:54Brilliant, Vic.
02:55Really cool.
02:56It's a mash-up of Prince's Raspberry Beret and Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody.
03:00What me call it?
03:01Bohemian Raspberry!
03:03Oh!
03:04You really are good, you know, Vic.
03:06I love your mash-ups.
03:07It's lucky you do, babes, because they're the only one who's ever going to get to hear
03:10them.
03:11You'll get a gig in the end, Vic.
03:12You just need one to get you started.
03:13That's all.
03:14Yeah, I know, but how?
03:15I go to gigs that I dig and I'm like, dude, I really dig your gig.
03:18Can I get a gig?
03:19And they're like, dude, where can we see you gigging to see if we dig it?
03:21And I'm like, dude, you can't.
03:22I don't have a gig for you to dig.
03:23That's why I need a gig at your gig.
03:24They're like, dude, how can we give you a gig at our gig if you don't have a gig for us to dig?
03:27See if we dig enough to give you a gig.
03:28And I'm like, dude!
03:29I think I get it, Vic.
03:30It's like a total catch-22.
03:32In fact, I think I might even be a catch-23.
03:35I know it's getting you down, Vic.
03:37It's just those mean girls I told you about from when I was at school.
03:40They hacked my site again.
03:41They changed my name to Grandmaster Total Crap.
03:44This is getting stupid.
03:46You should make a complaint.
03:47There is a process.
03:48No way.
03:49I'm not running and I'm not hiding.
03:50One day I'll get a gig, upload loads of cool footage of giggers digging my gigging.
03:54Those bitches can kiss my funky white mash-up.
03:57So, let us proceed to today's agenda, which is, as ever, to eliminate risk.
04:11Clive, speak to me.
04:13Well, Gerald, as you know, the American coffee chain Moonbonk's Barista is opening a new branch
04:19in Basilicay High Street.
04:21Has applied to open a new branch, Clive.
04:23Whether that application is successful is up to us.
04:26Oh, well, I say let them in.
04:27I love a Moonbonk's.
04:29And rest assured, Clive, the needs of the coffee-drinking community will loom large in our deliberation.
04:38Not, however, as large as risk management.
04:41There'll be no scalded lips or little wooden stirring sticks stuck up people's noses on my
04:51watch.
04:52Moonbonk's is subject to UK DOE workplace legislation.
04:58We must therefore ensure that they deliver a failsafe, accident, neutralised and nullified
05:07industrial environment, acronymically, F-A-N-N-I-P.
05:22If Moonbonk's cannot guarantee that their coffee will be served out of a fanny, then the people
05:32of Basilicay won't be drinking it.
05:35Clive, speak to me about how we ensure the enforcement of a properly regulated fanny.
05:44Well, as you know, the principal fear is the danger of scalding liquids being carried about
05:52the streets in insufficiently robust containers.
05:55We therefore ask Moonbonk's to supply us with examples of their cups.
06:00This is the tool.
06:04Well, it's big.
06:06Dangerously big.
06:08Picture the scenario.
06:10A crowded pavement full of busy commuters.
06:14Each carrying a litre of boiling liquid inadequately secured with an ill-fitting lid.
06:20That's been semi-clamped on by a distracted Spanish student.
06:27With his mind on the girl who's toasting the paninis.
06:32The commuters are in a hurry.
06:34They're anxious to get to work.
06:36They don't see the cracked paving stone.
06:38Bang! Splosh! Coffee flavoured gonads. We've all been there.
06:41It's a nightmare scenario.
06:44We will insist that the tool is reserved for in-house customers
06:49and that only the short is offered for takeaway trade.
06:53This is the short.
06:54I thought you said it was the tall.
06:56I did, but it's the short.
06:57Then show me the tall.
06:58This is the tall.
06:59You just said it was the short.
07:01It is.
07:02It's the short and the tall?
07:03Yes, the tall is the short.
07:05How can the tall be the short?
07:07Because it's the smallest one they do.
07:09Small is actually big.
07:11That's what my late husband used to try to tell me.
07:14Shortly before he ate the fateful meal.
07:17I don't know, Bernard.
07:18I told you.
07:19I was in Western Supermare.
07:20As the coroner's report accepted at the time, I need two subsequent inquiries.
07:24This is the Vesuva.
07:26What is happening to this country?
07:32We used to be happy with a cup of coffee.
07:36It was adequate.
07:37It did the job.
07:38No-one ever said, actually, have you got a bucket?
07:43I could murder a bucket of coffee.
07:46Well, I think moonbonks are wonderful.
07:48My favourite's a butterscotch, double white choc, vanilla bean, caramel frappy crappy with M&Ms on top.
07:55Whatever happened to one lump or two?
07:59There's no restraint anymore.
08:02We're descending into decadence.
08:05This is what happened to the Roman Empire.
08:08What?
08:09Big coffee cups?
08:10I didn't notice that big gladiator.
08:12Mass slaughter in the Colosseum.
08:15Emperors marrying their horses.
08:18Smarties in your frozen flurry.
08:21All evidence of cultures that have lost their way, Bernard.
08:26Decadence comes in many guises.
08:30Anyway, I nearly got started there.
08:35So, we have the small cup or tall and we have the big cup or Vesuvai.
08:43Vesuvai isn't the big one, Gerald.
08:45It's the medium.
08:46This is the big.
08:47It's called grandissimo.
08:53Oh no, I'm not happy.
08:56I'm really not.
08:58What's your main area of concern, Gerald?
09:00Quite frankly, I think what we might be looking at here is not a cup, but a small portable pond.
09:09A pond?
09:11There are very strict legal limits concerning the size at which a domestic body of liquid requires fencing.
09:20And I think this cup may breach them.
09:23A word, please.
09:24A word, please.
09:25Right, mister.
09:26Right, mister.
09:27Please.
09:28A word.
09:29Heard I have that you out carrying our safety checks absurd on the new franchise Moonbonks.
09:34As is duty, my mayor, mister.
09:35Well, over get it with by the night ballroom big, right, mister, and make sure a licence give you them or for it answer, will you?
09:47I'm collecting for the local hospice.
09:49Will you donate?
09:50I don't believe in charity.
09:52They spend it all on admin.
09:53I've heard for every pound donated they spend £2.50 on envelopes and blue tack.
09:57That's what I should offer.
09:58Exactly.
09:59So why bother should we?
10:00Eh?
10:01Eh?
10:02Eh?
10:03Come along, Cheryl.
10:04Along, Cheryl.
10:05Come.
10:06Cha-cha.
10:07What a couple of arse tights.
10:10Blimey.
10:11I may spontaneously ejaculate.
10:16What site are you looking at?
10:23Medicalfacts.com.
10:25It can happen when they touch your prostate.
10:28Oh.
10:29Maybe don't wear anything dark.
10:32It says here there is a possibility of actual arousal.
10:37A bloke giving you a prostate probe.
10:40I can't see it myself.
10:42Might be a woman doctor.
10:44Blimey.
10:45I hadn't thought of that.
10:47Which would you prefer, dude or chick?
10:50Interesting question.
10:51Erm.
10:52For a professional encounter such as this, dude, I think.
10:57Less chance of arousal, certainly.
11:00And let's face it, he'd have shorter fingernails.
11:05For bigger fingers.
11:07Yep.
11:08Yep.
11:09You're right, Victoria.
11:10It's a percentage gain.
11:12Oh, here I am.
11:15What do you think?
11:16It'll be better in heels, but I'm not very steady in them yet.
11:19Your mum's dress?
11:21Yeah.
11:22She lent it to me.
11:23We couldn't find anything in the Oxfam shop.
11:25You don't mind, do you?
11:27Susan, you look lovely.
11:29Like your mother did.
11:31Dad, when I picked up the dress, mum said she wanted to see us.
11:35Just you and me, said she had something to tell us, but she didn't say what it was.
11:40She's probably going to tell you that she's going to elope with her handsome, fit, buff Aussie boyfriend.
11:47Or she just really wants to hang out with you, Gerald.
11:50So, team health and safety, when do people crave coffee?
11:56Well, it's clearly a question of individual taste.
12:00My Yvonne likes a cup after her lunch, but only if I've given her one.
12:05Well, hello.
12:06Yeah, she's a bit of a princess like that, bless her.
12:09Won't get it herself, but if I've given her one, she's happy.
12:13I imagine she is.
12:14Team, Moonbonk's offer.
12:16Three sizes of coffee deliveries.
12:18Tall, being the least copious container, will be level one.
12:23Grandissimo, being the largest and most dangerous, will, of course, be level three.
12:30She'll be level one.
12:31I knew you were going to say that, Malika. I knew it.
12:34Because it's obvious. One is high and three is low.
12:37Go and stand on an Olympic podium.
12:39Go and stay in a one-star hotel.
12:44Clive, with me.
12:48You are our designated and hypothetical member of the coffee-drinking community.
12:56Here we have a liquid-filled grandissimo.
13:01So, action, the controlled immersion exercise.
13:07Pardon.
13:09Stick your face in the bucket.
13:13Glasses, Clive.
13:14And, as you can see, our hypothetical beverage imbiber has completely immersed his respiratory organs.
13:27It actually seems to have created a seal.
13:33Interestingly, there's a suction effect. In fact, I think he might actually be, erm...
13:38Drowning!
13:39Abort!
13:40Abort!
13:41Abort!
13:42Man down!
13:47I saw my whole life pass before my eyes!
13:50What, in 20 seconds?
13:51Yes.
13:52In fact, I think it went round twice.
13:54This is a highly dangerous cup, which clearly requires fencing.
14:02Outrageous!
14:03Right, Mr. Absurd and Sird Ab.
14:06Have I here your report interim on the Moonbonks barista's fanny excessive?
14:11Cups?
14:12Coffee?
14:13Subject to same rules as pools?
14:15Swimming?
14:16This is madness.
14:17Right, Mr. Madness?
14:18This is.
14:19Issue Moonbonks a licence with before the ballroom night, or for it answer, will you?
14:24I am my job doing just, Mayor Mister.
14:28Job yours, yes.
14:30But long for how?
14:31Right, Mister?
14:33Long for how?
14:35Come along, Cheryl.
14:37Along, Cheryl.
14:38Along, Cheryl.
14:39Come.
14:40Nuttis.
14:46I'm dying to hear what it is you want to tell us, Mum.
14:48Well, let's just get our salads first, shall we?
14:51Oh, look, some selfish swine's hogging half the bar.
14:55One of those bowl-pilers trying to squeeze on an extra sunflower seed and garlic crouton.
15:01The salad bar is a communal facility, you know.
15:05Oh, yes.
15:07He's building a little platform out of cucumber slices, stuck together with blue cheese dressing, supported by carrot batons used as flying buttresses.
15:20That old trick.
15:21Excuse me, but do you have a problem?
15:22I...
15:24Oh, it's you again.
15:26The angry little man.
15:27Do I have too many items again, Mr Grocery Counter?
15:31Yes, as it happens, you have.
15:34Look, you've scraped out the last of the Thousand Island dressing, you've used up all the herb breadsticks and there's only five kernels of sweet call left.
15:46What are you, a 14 stone rabbit?
15:49I didn't have the last breadstick.
15:51She did.
15:54Kyle taught me how to do this.
15:56Brilliant, isn't it?
16:00All right, Mum, you've put this off long enough. Now, what did you want to tell us?
16:04Kyle and I are going away.
16:06Away?
16:07Yes.
16:08He's going to show me the world.
16:10What, all of it?
16:11We're going to backpack across Europe and into Asia and then we're going to see if we can pick up some work crewing and head down to Australia.
16:19You were always happy, caravanning in Normandy.
16:22Was I, Gerald?
16:24What will you do when you get to Australia, Mum?
16:26Well, they always need skilled people and as a dental nurse, Kyle says I'll easily get a work visa.
16:31Exciting.
16:32Well, Sue's all grown up, got a life of her own with Victoria and you and me, we're divorced, so why not?
16:42Why not? Indeed.
16:45Look at this, Mrs Maha. The ballroom night's going to be a bit different this year.
16:51There's going to be a DJ and a prize for the best dancing couple.
16:55Well, £500 and a year's supply of coffee.
16:59The mayor's got moonbonks to sponsor our ballroom night.
17:03And he's dancing with Cha Cha Cheryl, the Cha Cha Champs.
17:06I think we all know who's going to win that £500.
17:09Excuse me.
17:12Now we know why he was pushing through our moonbonks inquiry.
17:16Someone's going to have to outdance him.
17:18Not me and my Susan, I fear.
17:20Oh, me and my Yvonne. She has a weak bladder. We can never finish a routine.
17:25Right. You!
17:27You're dancing with me.
17:29I will teach you a two-step if it kills you.
17:31Please don't say that.
17:34Well, big day tomorrow, eh?
17:37Yes, Dad. Our special dance.
17:40Actually, Susan, I was talking about me prostate.
17:44Cheer up. You might get aroused.
17:46You can't just give up, Dad. It's why Mum left.
17:51And if there's ever going to be a chance of getting her back,
17:54you have to rediscover your fire, your passion.
17:57She's not coming back, Susan.
17:59I could be as fiery and as passionate as Gary Barlow.
18:04And your mother wouldn't notice because she'll be in Australia
18:08with a man who shaves his body hair.
18:11Dad, please, not the wax scrotum again.
18:13Yeah, you are a bit obsessed, Cheryl.
18:15I'm not obsessed. I'm just perplexed.
18:18I still don't get it. I mean, why? Answer me that.
18:21Why would a man possibly want bald testicles?
18:25Duh.
18:27What? Duh.
18:29I have no idea what you're durin' about, Victoria.
18:31Dude, it makes them more sensitive.
18:33Sensitive? Sensitive to what?
18:36Duh!
18:37Duh-in', Victoria. I will not be der-ed in me own home.
18:41Besides which, how could a man's testicles be more sensitive?
18:45Did none of these blokes get sack-smacked at school?
18:49Your eyes were still watering at bedtime.
18:52Well, I might as well tell you,
18:54Kyle's bringing his bald balls to the ballroom
18:56because I've invited Mum.
18:58Mum's coming? Yes.
18:59And if you want to stand a chance of stopping her going to Australia,
19:03you have to put on a good show.
19:05Susan.
19:07I don't think that seeing me cha-cha in me spandex
19:11is gonna rekindle the love light in your mother's eyes.
19:16Quite frankly, I'll be happy if I can dance at all
19:19after me prostate test.
19:21I just hope he'll be gentle with me.
19:24Blimey!
19:29Oh, hello again!
19:31The mills of God grind slowly, Mr. Right,
19:36but they grind exceeding small.
19:39Don't you think that our previous relationship
19:43precludes a professional engagement?
19:46Oh, please, do not insult my ethics.
19:48What I think about a patient has no relevance
19:51to how I treat them.
19:52The fact that you forced me to change cues at the checkout
19:59should, of course, have no bearing
20:02on the manner in which I explore your anus.
20:06When you choose to confront
20:11and insult a blameless individual
20:14in a pizza restaurant,
20:16you should in no way have to consider
20:17that you might shortly be subjected to an exhaustively forensic
20:22rectal examination by that very same man.
20:27I will treat you as I would anyone else
20:33and hopefully give you the big thumbs up.
20:36Are there any questions?
20:40Well, I have heard that this examination can cause an erection.
20:46Well, Mr. Right, I'm not going to deny
20:48that I'll take great satisfaction from it.
20:50But I doubt that I'll get quite that excited.
20:54Well, I didn't mean you, I meant me!
20:55Oh, yes, yes, no, I see, yes, that's true, that can happen.
21:01Some men actually find the experience pleasurable.
21:05However, I can assure you, you won't.
21:07So, please, bend over the couch.
21:22Eight items, eleven items.
21:28Did it really matter?
21:30No!
21:31No!
21:32No, not at all!
21:33No!
21:34I was stupid!
21:35I can see that now!
21:37And that last breadstick.
21:40Who took it?
21:41Me while!
21:44And feeling for the prostate.
21:48And all done.
21:51I said all done, Mr. Right.
21:54I've spasmed!
21:55Yes, I can feel that, Mr. Right, but I want my finger back.
22:06You're going to have to relax.
22:09I can't relax!
22:11I'm locked on!
22:13Like a...
22:15Like a hungry clam!
22:20Me bum's gone into defence mode.
22:24I think it's making a citizen's arrest.
22:29Mr. Right, I said relax.
22:32I can't relax!
22:34You can have me relaxed or you can have your finger up me.
22:38The two things are mutually exclusive.
22:41Mr. Right, I am a very busy man.
22:44I cannot be stuck here all afternoon.
22:46No, well, I'm dancing tonight and I've already got a partner.
22:49Put your foot on me bum and tug!
22:55Blimey!
23:08Well, how was it?
23:12Everything all right?
23:14Your backside is fine.
23:16You can continue talking out of it for years.
23:17I've put my Yvonne in a cab. She's having one of her turns.
23:20I'm not surprised.
23:21She's drunk.
23:22I thought she was going to strip off and dive in.
23:23She only had two cups.
23:24Yeah, but they were grandissimo.
23:26And as for you, I think you broke about six of my toes.
23:27Please don't kill me.
23:29Don't kill me.
23:31I've put my Yvonne in a cab.
23:41She's having one of her turns.
23:43I'm not surprised.
23:43He's drunk.
23:45I thought she was going to strip off and dive in.
23:46She only had two cups.
23:48Yeah, but they were grandissimo.
23:50And as for you, I think you broke about six of my toes.
23:53Please don't kill me.
24:01I've got to admit the mayor and cha-cha-cha really burnt up the floor tonight.
24:07Do you think they got that money in the bank?
24:10One, two, two, one, four.
24:13I think that DJ's had more punch than you, Yvonne, Clive.
24:16I know.
24:17He's dropping his records and everything.
24:19I think I'd better take him a nice coffee.
24:25Our dance, I think, Sue.
24:28She looks lovely, doesn't she, Gerald, our little girl?
24:32Ow!
24:33Oh!
24:35Oh, it's me ankle.
24:37I've twisted it.
24:38It's these blatant shoes.
24:41So, you're going to take me somewhere classy after to celebrate?
24:44Reserved, have I, my table usual at the harvester.
24:49It's terrible.
24:51Dad's been really looking forward to it.
24:53He needs to dance to get his confidence back.
24:56If only he had someone to dance with.
24:59Gerald was our last hope.
25:00Oh, I could murder that stupid girl for tripping.
25:03Have her heart, Malika.
25:04She's got her whole life ahead of her.
25:07Most unfortunate.
25:09Unfortunate most.
25:11Right, mister.
25:12Right, miss.
25:13Ankle-twisted ears.
25:14And clearly, dance cannot she.
25:16Therefore, and apropos, forfeit you are.
25:18Belongs the prize to me and Gerald Cha-Cha.
25:21There's been a change to the final couple.
25:26It will now be Gerald and Valerie Wright.
25:30Valerie, you look beautiful.
25:34Looks like Madden to me.
25:37She looks hot.
25:39Not wrong, babes.
25:40I give her a 4.5 and the K-man never rates higher than a 6, so...
25:44I'm so going to hate it if you end up being my father-in-law.
25:47They're so lovely.
25:59Breaks me heart.
26:01But...
26:01Maximum bushy-bushy droplets.
26:11Yeah, she has so blossomed under the K-man's wing.
26:15Eh?
26:38Yes, well, seems it conceived this, must I.
26:41What did I tell you, Gerald?
26:43You and Valerie were poetry in motion.
26:46You were made to dance together.
26:48And I know, because I'm a very spiritual and sensitive person.
26:51They were right, I suppose, for a couple of amateurs.
26:54Oh, shut your face, you daisy slapper!
26:56I beg your pardon?
26:57You heard, love.
26:58Cook her a meal, Malika.
27:00I was in Western Superman.
27:03Well, I suppose I should be going.
27:05Kyle's got a decathlon in the morning.
27:07Well, don't forget you're half of the prize.
27:10Oh, you and Susan should have that.
27:12I'll tell you what, we'll give it to Malika's charity, eh?
27:17Personally, I've already had my reward.
27:20Just dancing with you.
27:23Yeah.
27:24It was nice, wasn't it?
27:27I'll give you a ring sometime, shall I?
27:30Well, you know I'd love it.
27:32But won't you be abroad?
27:34Oh, not quite yet.
27:36I'm not even sure when.
27:38No rush, eh?
27:39OK.
27:40Your ankle got better, then.
27:44Yeah.
27:45Funny, that.
27:46Ooh, what's that?
27:48I'll use the bangalang girl.
27:49Why can your foxy trick-a-tricks make her mother hot to jiggy-jig with your father?
27:54Come on, then.
27:55I thought this was supposed to be a party.
27:58I think the DJ's too drunk to play.
28:00Actually, I think he's drowning.
28:03Team with me!
28:06Well, Vic, looks like this gig's in need of a DJ.
28:09And this DJ is in need of a gig.
28:12Oh!
28:13This is DJ Vicky Licky in the house,
28:16bringing it out to the buzzer Ricky Mass of y'all.
28:18Make some fierce noise.
28:20Cos we is mad sick to go licky-licky with the foxy cha-cha
28:23and the bushy-bushy talk, eh?
28:24To the world!
28:26Let's kick it!
28:33Can't touch me.
28:34Can't touch me.
28:35Minimising risk, Team Health and Safety.
29:00Minimising risk.
29:02Even where only minimal risk exists.
29:07With me.