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00:00Excellent.
00:22Another pint, Steve. I'm really thirsty today.
00:28Certainly, Terry.
00:29I'm also stricken with an inexplicable dryness.
00:33I may be forced to order half a pint of bitter beer.
00:36I'm getting hot flashes.
00:38I think I'm going through the change.
00:41That's a strange alien sensation I'm experiencing.
00:45Oh, I remember now. It's warmth.
00:47Keep away from me, you naughty Australian.
00:50I don't know what's with me today.
00:52I'm as roundy as a dog in an artificial leg factory.
00:55And that's so out of character.
00:57Stop it!
00:59Resistance is futile, Steve.
01:01No one can tame the she-beast when the season of spring is upon us.
01:05It's October.
01:06You're forgetting she's Australian.
01:08All her seasons are topsy-turvy.
01:10It's because she comes from the southern hemorrhoids.
01:14And her thermorones are rubbing off on everyone.
01:17There is something in the air.
01:19And I, for one, am feeling pretty frisky.
01:23Even that ticket's starting to look pretty good to me.
01:26Ah!
01:27Shit!
01:28I only meant to think that.
01:30Look into my eyes and you will see what you mean to me.
01:37Dum-de-dum-de-dum and I will do dum-dee-da-da.
01:43All them weeks of number one, you'd think I'd know the bloody words by now.
01:47Hello, Steve.
01:49Mwah!
01:50I love you, son.
01:51Everything okay, Gov?
01:52Never better.
01:53Never better, Steve.
01:54Yeah.
01:55Ours operation make the punters drink more by gradually turning up the thermostat without them realising going.
01:58Great.
01:59I think we should think of a snappier code name.
02:01Maybe you're right.
02:02Crank her up another notch, Steve.
02:04Do you think we should?
02:05Go on.
02:06All right.
02:07Hey!
02:08Hey!
02:09Look at me!
02:10Back in the saddle!
02:11Return of the master!
02:13King of the castle!
02:15Aren't they the bucks that make up the Lord of the Rings?
02:17Lord of the Rings?
02:18That was my nickname in the army.
02:21I was never so good at gymnastics back then.
02:24Janet, give everyone another drink.
02:26On the arse.
02:27Ooh, there go the prophet.
02:28Are you all right, Gov?
02:29Oh, yeah, Terry.
02:30I'm the king of the world!
02:31The king of the world!
02:33I have got a date.
02:36A date?
02:37A date.
02:38With a woman.
02:39Of course with a woman.
02:40I was never confused.
02:42Get in there, my son!
02:44Go!
02:45But Gov, I thought you were sworn off women for life.
02:48For life?
02:49For life after what happened with your wife.
02:51I know, Stephen.
02:52What happened with my wife?
02:54My wife!
02:55My wife!
02:57Has left some minor scarring, yes.
02:59The whore!
03:00But...
03:01Time is a healer, and it's been a year.
03:05A whole year.
03:06We're talking some serious back pressure build-up here.
03:10You've got to be careful where you point it.
03:12Could go off in someone's face.
03:16Am I imagining it, or is it getting rather hot in here?
03:19You're imagining it!
03:21I'm surprised you haven't had a date in so long.
03:24Me and you own your own pub.
03:26You're a prime catch for an alcoholic.
03:28Janet, please don't call them that.
03:31We prefer the term, those for whom a public house is a public home.
03:36So, who's the lucky lady?
03:39I'm being sarcastic.
03:40The bird at the checkout, the cash and carry.
03:43Tina, I've been working on her for months.
03:45Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
03:47Today, today, today, she finally, actually, spoke to me.
03:53What did she say?
03:54Do you want the receipt?
03:56Result!
03:57She wants it, she wants it!
03:59But then, from running my fingers over the receipt, her token of love and sniffing it for her delicate perfume.
04:05I noticed the cheeky cow had shortchanged me.
04:08Oh, that's a good sign.
04:09She pleaded with me not to tell her boss, and I said I wouldn't, as long as she promised to come out with me tonight.
04:16Oh, what a shithouse thing to do, you mongrel.
04:19You just don't understand women, do you, Janet?
04:24She wanted me to notice, didn't they?
04:26All them months waiting for me to speak to her.
04:28You see, women like us men to think we are the hunters.
04:31But we are but flies tumbling into their juicy, swollen, bulbous, nectar-filled Venus flytraps.
04:40I'm so alone.
04:43My trap is always open, spunky nuts.
04:45I know.
04:46I heard a bloke lost a foot in there last week.
04:50Yeah, that's the trouble with you blokes.
04:52You do keep confusing a foot with three inches.
04:56So, where are you taking this unbelievably fortunate woman?
05:00Where am I taking her?
05:02Why would I take her anywhere?
05:03I've got me own pub and I should.
05:07Everything laid on for free.
05:09Where am I making her?
05:13She's coming here.
05:15You, uh, you sure that's a good idea?
05:17Oh, of course.
05:18I'll ply her with white wine, fruit-based drink for the lady.
05:21And then...
05:25Alright, that's your seduction technique, is it?
05:27Get a woman pissed then try and stick your hand up her top?
05:29Hm?
05:31Is there another way?
05:33If it ain't broke...
05:34Tops first, it's only polite.
05:36It's only polite.
05:37Exactly.
05:39Don't knock it.
05:40Works on my wife.
05:41Jesus Christ, that's fucking shocking.
05:43You tossers are Neanderthals.
05:45Without the table manners.
05:48Don't take it personal, darling.
05:50It's just the way things are.
05:52Accept it.
05:53Men and women will never see eye to eye.
05:55That's mainly because women have got tits.
06:06You see, the thing is, Prof, why can't a woman be more like a man, eh?
06:10I mean, if you wanted to have sex with me, you wouldn't have to buy me flowers and chocolates
06:14and pretend to be interested in what I thought.
06:17W-wouldn't I?
06:18Of course not.
06:20You'd just have to ask me.
06:22Well, um, in that case...
06:24Right, Steve.
06:26Everything going according to plan?
06:29I don't think so, Gov.
06:30We're taking an awful risk.
06:33Is it just me?
06:34Or is it really hot in here today?
06:37It's just you!
06:40Are you all right?
06:42I'm fantastic.
06:44That's the dog's bone, isn't it?
06:46Is it?
06:47What's got into you today?
06:49It's what hasn't got into me that's the problem.
06:52Now, Christ!
06:54Now, I think we all just need to cool down a bit, Steve-O.
06:56What do you say we take off all our clothes?
06:59I'm going!
07:01Oh, God, I think I'm gonna chuck!
07:04Terry, I need your advice.
07:06God knows I must have hit rock bottom.
07:11All them women you've managed to persuade to marry you, eh?
07:14How did you do it, mate?
07:16All right, guys.
07:18Prepare to be enlightened.
07:20The Terry Brooks three-step plan for success.
07:23Write this down, Gov.
07:24It is gold dust.
07:26Step one.
07:27Step one.
07:29Step one.
07:30Step one.
07:31Say something nice about the way they look.
07:33Flatulence will get you everywhere.
07:36Yeah, but how do I flatten her?
07:38What do I say?
07:39Well, you say something like,
07:40Ooh, I like your hair.
07:43Ooh, I like your hair.
07:45Perfect.
07:46That's it.
07:47That'll be probably enough on its own,
07:48but on the unlikely event that it hasn't worked,
07:50move to step two.
07:51Step two.
07:52Find some common ground,
07:54ask them what they really like,
07:56and say,
07:57Oh, really?
07:58I like that thing too.
08:00Oh, really?
08:01I like that thing too.
08:02That's the ticket.
08:04But what if I don't like the thing?
08:06It doesn't matter.
08:07And whatever they say,
08:08you say,
08:09Oh, really?
08:10I like that thing too.
08:11Hmm.
08:12It's foolproof.
08:13Let's try it.
08:14I'll be her, you'll be you.
08:16Ah, Tina.
08:17I like your hair.
08:19Oh, thanks.
08:23Oh, yeah, Tina.
08:24What do you like?
08:26I like flowers and stuff.
08:28Oh, really?
08:29I like flowers and stuff too.
08:32That's the way.
08:33It's easy.
08:34Now, most women would have crumpled by now,
08:36but if it's still not going good,
08:38move to step three,
08:39the last result of the desperate man
08:42only to be used in extreme circumstances.
08:47I love you.
08:50Be wary.
08:51These are powerful words indeed.
08:54Most men never say them
08:56out of respect for their awesome power.
08:59So, it's ooh, I like your hair.
09:02Ooh, really?
09:03I like that thing too.
09:04And only in the last result.
09:07I love you.
09:10Thanks, Terry.
09:11Any sign.
09:12You can't fail.
09:14Well, that's if you can manage it, I call.
09:17Hey!
09:18A year.
09:19It's a long time for your volcano to lie dormant.
09:23You might try and get the lava flying
09:25and find an impregnable crust of magma
09:27that's grown over the spur hole.
09:33Of magma?
09:34Of magma, yes!
09:36Or it might go the other way.
09:3852 weeks of back pressure build-up.
09:41And even before you've started.
09:43Boom!
09:45Mount St. Helens goes off in your trolleys.
09:49What was that?
09:50Ha-ha!
09:52The giant sleeps tonight.
09:55I've been waiting for this day so long.
09:58Biding my time until your defences are down.
10:03And now, I pounce.
10:05Now, Terry, are you mad?
10:06Oh, bollocks!
10:11Squat him lately!
10:17Oh, factum.
10:22Lucky punch, that's all.
10:24I'll get him for this.
10:26Me three hours to go.
10:27I'll be fine, I'll be fine.
10:29Oh, God.
10:31Magma!
10:32What's happening to me?
10:37Get away from me, Steve.
10:38I'm warning you.
10:39Go now while there's still time.
10:41Oh, I think I can handle a little thing like you.
10:45Don't make me horny.
10:48You wouldn't like me when I'm horny.
10:52I don't like you anyway!
10:55Uh, malt whisky, please, Gov.
10:58Oh, my...
11:00Uh, Gov.
11:02I like your hair.
11:05Aye?
11:07Oh, thanks, Prof.
11:09Um, Gov, what do you really like?
11:12Nothing much.
11:14Because I like nothing much, too.
11:16Huh?
11:18I'm...
11:20I'm worried, Gov.
11:21We're pushing the boiler as far as she will go.
11:24She can't handle it!
11:25It'll be fine.
11:26I tried to warn you, Steve, but you wouldn't let him...
11:28You can run, Crosby, but you can't hide!
11:30Well, not at the same time, obviously.
11:34Oh, no, I might be able to run and hide if there's a marathon going past.
11:37I'll just...
11:39Let the games come in!
11:41Oi!
11:42Come back!
11:43I've got a date tonight!
11:44Who's gonna watch a pub?
11:46Oh, no!
11:48And those are the keys for the nuts.
11:51All right.
11:52Thanks, Uncle Barry, for filling in for me.
11:53This date's very important to me.
11:55Oh, no problems, Gov.
11:56It's the least I can do for you.
11:58After that business with the bar stewards...
12:01You'll get in next time, all right?
12:03Thanks, Uncle Barry.
12:05I'd just like to wish you the best of British for tonight.
12:09Thanks, Grandad.
12:10What?
12:11What's this?
12:12A prophylactic.
12:15Electronically tested.
12:17If I'd had something as reliable as that 50 years ago,
12:20my stand might never have been born.
12:23It would have been better for everyone.
12:26Where'd you get it from?
12:27A chemist in Blackpool in 1975.
12:31I don't suppose I'll ever use it now.
12:34Take this and use it in remembrance of me.
12:37Gov, time's clock is pressing against us.
12:42You'd better go and prepare yourself for this lucky young lady.
12:45Thanks, Uncle Barry.
12:47Oh, God! She's hot in my heels.
12:49You must hide me. My life depends upon it.
12:51I know the very place.
12:52Right, so, it's I love your hair.
13:06No, no, no.
13:08Oh, really? I like hair too.
13:10No, no, no.
13:12I love your hair. Oh, bloody hell.
13:14Ha!
13:16So, I love you only as a last resort.
13:18Oh, God.
13:20Back pressure build-up.
13:22Mount St. Ellen's.
13:24Magma!
13:28He's in here somewhere, isn't he?
13:30I don't know what you mean.
13:32Don't cover for him. I can smell his funk.
13:35He's in the kitchen.
13:37Prof, you Judas!
13:38I cannot tell a lie.
13:39Clever, Steve. Maybe a bit too clever.
13:44All clear, Steve.
13:47Thanks, guys.
13:49I cannot tell a lie.
13:51Nice touch, Prof.
13:53Well, I'm glad that you appreciate it.
13:55My dishonesty has resulted in the death of a fairy.
13:58There's a little hidey hole in everything.
14:01How do you know about this place, Barry?
14:02Well, in my younger days, I was a bit of a shagger.
14:08Sexaholic, if you will.
14:09Couldn't get enough.
14:11My brother's wife was a very accommodating lady.
14:14Oh, yes, she was.
14:18That's the girl's mum.
14:20I'm not proud, but that's all over now.
14:22But that hidey hole saved my skin a few times, I can tell you.
14:26Quick, get back up your hole.
14:28She's coming back.
14:33It wasn't there.
14:36I can't stand it.
14:38I'm out of control.
14:39I need sex now, and I don't care who with.
14:41Me, me, me. I'll do it.
14:43Not you, Terry.
14:45I'll never be that out of control.
14:46Anyone but you.
14:48Oh, bugger it.
14:49I knew I shouldn't have given away that condom.
14:52I'll be back, Terry.
14:54Save me from this hell.
14:56I can help you, Janet.
14:58Really?
14:59Yes, follow me.
15:00You're lying, aren't you?
15:01Philpott.
15:03In here.
15:05Now, then, Janet.
15:06This is for your own good.
15:08You stay there whilst I begin the calculations on a solution to your problem.
15:13Now, don't worry, gov.
15:15You're doing fine.
15:16Fine.
15:19I'm not sure I've come to the right place.
15:21Tina!
15:22You made it!
15:24How lovely to see you.
15:25What a cracker!
15:26Well, that is the woman I'm gonna marry.
15:27Sir, madame.
15:28This way, please.
15:29Your table awaits.
15:30You're doing fine.
15:31Chuck into that!
15:32She's a bit chunky for my tastes.
15:33You're a fool to yourself.
15:34Once you've had fat, you don't go back.
15:35Why sit on a rickety wooden chair when you can sink into a sofa with lots of cushions?
15:48My eighth fiancé was 49 stone.
15:50Couldn't lift herself out of bed.
15:51My ideal woman.
15:52I thought that was one woman who couldn't jilt me at the altar.
15:55How she organised that crane, I'll never know.
15:57Can I get you a glass of wheat weed for the living room?
15:58I'm not sure.
15:59I'm not sure.
16:00I'm not sure.
16:01I'm not sure.
16:02You're not sure.
16:03I'm not sure.
16:04I'm not sure.
16:05I'm not sure.
16:06I'm not sure.
16:07I'm not sure.
16:08I'm not sure.
16:09I'm not sure.
16:10I'm not sure.
16:11I'm not sure.
16:12I'm not sure.
16:13I'm not sure.
16:14I'm not sure.
16:15Can I get you a glass of wheat weed for the lady?
16:18Oh, thank you.
16:19It's that weed made from tables.
16:22None of your tats.
16:23That's very funny.
16:24Yee-haw!
16:29Put yourself together now, he'll be.
16:32Right.
16:33Step one.
16:34Tina.
16:35I like your hair.
16:36Oh, it's a wig.
16:38Actually, I'm completely bored.
16:39Oh, my God.
16:40I'm sorry.
16:41Oh, no.
16:42I'm only kidding.
16:43Oh, my God.
16:46I'll be.
16:47Of course.
16:48This is the problem depicted in the Star Trek Voyager episode Blood Feud in which Ensign Vorick experiences the Pond Farm.
16:55Oh, throw up!
16:58A light special.
16:59Prowman's Dinner.
17:00Thanks for marrying.
17:03Is it just me or is it getting a bit oty there?
17:06Step two. Ask her what she likes. Agree with it.
17:12Um, Tina, what do you really like?
17:15Hmm, I don't know. I suppose I really like a man with a tight arse.
17:22Oh, really? I really like a man with a tight arse, too.
17:28Oh, God!
17:31Now then, Janet, if my Voyager Pon Far theory is correct,
17:35then an act of extreme violence will substitute for sexual congress.
17:40Although, I am allowed to release you,
17:42in case I am the recipient in either circumstance.
17:44Right. Step three. Last resort.
17:48Here goes.
17:49I. I. I. I like pickled onions.
17:57Me, too.
17:59I. I. I. I. I. I.
18:03I don't think Claire was the best generation game hostess for my money.
18:08Dear, it's getting a bit hot.
18:10Actually, I feel a bit faint.
18:12Is there somewhere I could lie down?
18:14In my bedroom?
18:15Yeah, please, but hurry.
18:17I really want you to be well.
18:18Right.
18:25Oh, yeah, yeah.
18:27She wants it.
18:28She wants it.
18:30You're doing great, Guff.
18:32Give her one from me.
18:33Here's Janet.
18:44You're so kind.
18:49Oh, no.
18:51I couldn't.
18:52Not in this day and age.
18:55Still, no one would ever know.
19:00Dear God.
19:01I know you're watching everything and can see what's going on here right now.
19:06In fact, you see everything.
19:07Even the really naughty and saucy stuff.
19:10No, I'm not saying you're getting off in it, mate.
19:12No, your interest is purely academic, not prurient or salacious.
19:15But I mean, some of the stuff you must have seen, eh, mate?
19:20Hey!
19:21The stories you can tell, eh?
19:22Come on, you're only human.
19:27What am I going to do, God, eh?
19:28Give me a sign.
19:29Give me a sign, please.
19:31Don't do it, Guff.
19:33God, you've finally answered me.
19:37Now, about this carvery.
19:39Nah, Guff.
19:40It's me.
19:41Crusty!
19:42Bad as old network of chimneys up here.
19:45I've already found the remains of two urchins.
19:47Oh.
19:48Steve, what am I going to do, eh?
19:50I mean, look, she's really nice.
19:51I really like her.
19:52I mean, she's pretty and she's funny and she's kind and she's there.
19:58And she might not wake up, you never know.
20:01Well, I'd love to stop her, Guff, but I think I'm in with a shout of finding Narnia.
20:06Yeah.
20:08Me too.
20:17Terry, I need you.
20:21I knew you'd come round.
20:22Oh.
20:24Come to Denny!
20:33Fact hunt.
20:36You're all right, Prof?
20:38I'm feeling much better.
20:41All right.
20:42Oh, no, I couldn't.
20:43Are you going to hang out all night or are you going to shag me?
20:48Aye!
20:50Well, that's what we came up here for, isn't it?
20:52Is it?
20:53Don't play dumb.
20:54We both know what's going on.
20:55I shortchanged you on purpose.
20:57You did?
20:58Yeah.
20:59I fancied you for months.
21:01You're gorgeous.
21:02So aloof.
21:04Mysterious.
21:05It's any way I could think of talking to you.
21:07Venus flytrap.
21:10I could really fall for you.
21:11You're just my type.
21:14I am?
21:15Oh, yes.
21:17You're not an alcoholic, are you?
21:20No.
21:21Great.
21:22Thanks, God.
21:23Now, if you could turn your almighty back for just five minutes, I'm going to break my 12-month
21:27duck.
21:27That's a dodeca duck.
21:29Crosby, piss off.
21:31I hope you don't think I'm being forward.
21:33It's just...
21:34It's been a year.
21:35Oh, this is the most glorious day of my life.
21:38My souffle is rising to the occasion.
21:39It's not collapsing.
21:42This time, I won't mess it up.
21:44Oh, Tina, I'm so glad I met you.
21:46Hi.
21:48Oh, bloody hell.
21:49The boiler.
21:50It's going to blow.
21:51Quick.
21:52Take cover.
21:52That must be the worst case of back pressure build-up in recorded history.
22:10No, I don't know.
22:11I finally meet someone who likes me for me, not for my pub, and I'll put her in hospital.
22:17Oh, she might forgive you.
22:20Terry, I used her as a human shield.
22:23Yeah, and now she's laid up in bed for three months.
22:26Just where you want her.
22:28She's in a full body cast, mate.
22:30A mouth, a mouth.
22:33Look, I'm sorry, mate.
22:34I'm back to normal now.
22:36I won't touch her.
22:37Ha!
22:37I'm not falling for that one.
22:39No, look, apparently the reason why I lost control was because somebody was turning up the heat on purpose.
22:46Well, I don't know what you're talking about.
22:48Yeah, now, who would do a daggy, shit-ass thing like that?
22:52All right, Janet, I'll come down.
22:54We can talk about it.
22:56Janet, what are you doing?
22:58Ah!
22:58Is that hot enough for you?
23:01Climb, koala boy, climb!
23:04No!