- hace 6 meses
Field Marshal Haig's new plan is to commission a man who can do a splendid painting for the front cover of the next issue of the King And Country propaganda magazine, which Blackadder hates. When Blackadder is made the new Official War Artist, he is allowed to leave the trenches, for No Man's Land.
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00:00Fight that center!
00:02Trick dodge!
00:16I...
00:18Right!
00:25I...
00:26Right!
00:30I...
00:36I...
00:38Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
01:01I'm carving something on this bullet, sir.
01:04What are you carving?
01:05I'm carving Baldrick, sir.
01:08Why?
01:09It's a cunning plan, actually.
01:11Of course it is.
01:13You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it.
01:19Yes.
01:20Well, I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'd never get hit by it.
01:26Because I won't ever shoot myself.
01:28Oh, shame.
01:29And the chances of there being two bullets with my name on them are very small indeed.
01:35It's not the only thing around here that's very small indeed.
01:39Your brain, for example, is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head
01:46open, there wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.
01:49Tally-ho, Pip-Pip, and Bernard's your uncle.
01:55In English, we say good morning.
01:57Look what I got for you, sir.
01:59What?
01:59It's the latest issue of King and Country.
02:02Oh, damn inspiring stuff.
02:04The magazine that tells the Tommies the truth about the war.
02:06Or, alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since Vows of Fidelity were included in the
02:11French Marriage Service.
02:14Come, come, sir.
02:15Now, you can't deny that this fine newspaper is good for the morale of the men.
02:18Certainly not.
02:19I just think that more could be achieved by giving them some real toilet paper.
02:24What with you at all, sir, what could any patriotic chap have against this magnificent mag?
02:28Apart from his bottom?
02:30Yes.
02:30Well, look at it.
02:32I mean, the stuff's about as convincing as Dr. Crippen's defence lawyer.
02:37The British Tommies are all portrayed as six foot six with biceps the size of Bournemouth.
02:43Thoroughly inspiring stuff.
02:44I know, sir.
02:45It's also just a ride for you this morning.
02:50Hmm.
02:50Do you know what this is, Lieutenant?
02:52Oh, it's a good old service revolver.
02:54Wrong.
02:54It's a brand new service revolver, which I've suspiciously been sent without asking for it.
03:00I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.
03:08That's funny, sir, because we didn't order those new trench climbing ladders, either.
03:12New ladders?
03:13No, it came yesterday.
03:14I issued them to the mail, and they were absolutely thrilled.
03:17Isn't that right, men?
03:18Yes, sir.
03:19First solid fuel we've had since we burned the cap, sir.
03:23Something's going on, and I think I can make an educated guess what it is.
03:27Something which you, George, would find hard to do.
03:29Huh, true, true.
03:31Where I was at school, education could go hang as long as a boy could hit a six, sing the school song very loud,
03:37and take a hot trumpet from behind without blubbing.
03:40Now, on the other hand, I'm a fully rounded human being, with a degree from the University of Life,
03:45a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, and three gold stars from the kindergarten of getting the shit kicked out of me.
03:51And my instincts lead me to deduce that we are at last about to go over the top.
03:58Great stutter!
03:59You mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give Harry Hun a darn good British-style thrashing, six of the best, trousers down?
04:06I mean, are we all going to get killed?
04:09Yes.
04:10Clearly, Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin.
04:18Bravo-issimo!
04:19Well, let's make a start, eh?
04:21Up and over to glory.
04:22Last one in Berlin's a rotten egg.
04:24Give me your helmet, Lieutenant.
04:25Yes, some sort of clever hat camouflage might be in order.
04:42Permission to speak, sir?
04:43Granted, with a due sense of exhaustion and dread.
04:47I have a cunning plan to get us out of getting killed, sir.
04:51Ah, yes. What is it?
04:52Cooking.
04:53I see.
04:55Now, Staff HQ's always on the lookout for good cooks.
04:59Well, we go over there, we cook them something, and we get out of the trenches that way.
05:04Baldrick, it's a brilliant plan.
05:06Is it?
05:06Yes, it's superb.
05:08Permission to ride home immediately, sir.
05:10This is the first brilliant plan a Baldrick's ever had.
05:13For centuries we've tried, and they've always turned out to be total pig swill.
05:18My mother will be as pleased as Punch.
05:21If only she were as good-looking as Punch, Baldrick.
05:23There is, however, one slight flaw in the plan.
05:28Oh.
05:28You're the worst cook in the entire world.
05:31Oh, yeah, that's right.
05:32There are amoeba on Saturn who could boil a better egg than you.
05:36Your filet mignon in sauce bearnais look like dog turds in green.
05:43That's because they are.
05:45Your plum duff tastes like it's a molehill decorated with rabbit droppings.
05:49I thought you wouldn't notice.
05:52And your cream custard has the texture of cat's vomit.
05:56Again, it's...
05:57If you were to serve one of your meals in Staff HQ, you'd be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning
06:03since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close friends round for a wine and anthrax party.
06:08Now we'll have to think of a better plan than that.
06:12Right.
06:12How about a nice meal while you chew it over?
06:15What's on the menu?
06:18Rat.
06:19Sauté or fricassee?
06:22Oh, the agony of choice.
06:25Sautéed involves?
06:26Well, you take the freshly shaved rat and you marinate it in a puddle for a while.
06:32Mm-hmm.
06:33For how long?
06:34Till it's drowned.
06:36Then you stretch it out under a hot light bulb.
06:39Then you get within dashing distance of the latrine and you scoff it right down.
06:43So that's sautéing and fricasseeing?
06:46Exactly the same.
06:47Just a slightly bigger rat.
06:50Well, call me old Mr. Unadventurous, but I think I'll give it a missus once.
06:55Fair enough, sir.
06:56More for the rest of us, eh, sir?
06:58Absolutely private.
06:59Tally-ho, barf, barf.
07:03Hello, the Savoy Grill.
07:06No, it's you.
07:08Yes.
07:09Yes, I'll be over in 40 minutes.
07:11Who was it then, sir?
07:13Strangely enough, Bullrich, it was Pope Gregory IX.
07:16Inviting me for drinks aboard his steam yacht, the Saucy Sue.
07:20Currently wintering in Montego Bay with the England cricket team
07:24and the Balinese goddess of plenty.
07:27Really?
07:28No, not really.
07:29I've been ordered to HQ.
07:31No doubt that idiot General Melchett is about to offer me some attractive new opportunities
07:36to have my brains blown out for Britain.
07:47What do you want, darling?
07:48It's Captain, darling, to you.
07:54General Melchett wants to see you about a highly important secret mission.
07:58What's going on, darling?
07:59Captain Blackadder to see you, sir.
08:01Ah, excellent.
08:03Just a short back and side today, I think.
08:05That's Corporal Black, sir.
08:08Captain Blackadder is here about the other matter, sir, the secret matter.
08:11Ah, yes, the special mission.
08:13At ease, Blackadder.
08:15Now, what I'm about to tell you is absolutely tip-top secret.
08:21Is that clear?
08:22It is, sir.
08:22Now, I've compiled a list of those with security clearance.
08:25Have you got it, darling?
08:27Yes, sir.
08:28Read it, please.
08:29It's top security, sir.
08:31I think that's all the captain needs to know.
08:32Don't judge.
08:33Let's hear the list in full.
08:35Very well, sir.
08:37List of personnel cleared for Mission Gainsborough, as dictated by General C.H. Melchett.
08:41You and me, darling, obviously.
08:46Field Marshal Hague.
08:47Field Marshal Hague's wife.
08:49All Field Marshal Hague's wife's friends.
08:51Their families.
08:52Their family's servants.
08:53Their family's servants' tennis partners.
08:55And some chap I bumped into in the mess the other day called Bernard.
08:59So, it's maximum security.
09:02Is that clear?
09:03Quite clear, sir.
09:04Only myself and the rest of the English-speaking world is to know.
09:08Good man.
09:08Now, Field Marshal Hague has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field.
09:17Ah.
09:18Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy, sir?
09:24How could you possibly know that, Blackadder?
09:26It's classified information.
09:28It's the same plan that we used last time and the 17 times before that.
09:34Exactly.
09:36And that is what is so brilliant about it.
09:38It will catch the watchful Han totally off guard.
09:42Doing precisely what we've done 18 times before is exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time.
09:48There is, however, one small problem.
09:51That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first 10 seconds.
09:54That's right.
09:55And Field Marshal Hague is worried that this may be depressing the men a tad.
10:00So, he's looking to find a way to cheer them up.
10:03Well, his resignation and suicide would seem the opposite.
10:08Interesting thought.
10:09Make a note of it, darling.
10:10Oh, yes.
10:10Take a look at this.
10:12I'm sure you know it.
10:13King and country.
10:15Ah, yes.
10:16Without question, my favourite magazine.
10:18Soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent.
10:22Chopper, Blackadder.
10:24I thought it would be right up your alley.
10:25Right.
10:26Field Marshal Hague's plan is this.
10:32To commission a man to do an especially stirring painting for the cover of the next issue.
10:38So as to really inspire the men for the final push.
10:42What I want you to do, Blackadder, is to labour night and day to find a first-rate artist from amongst your men.
10:48Impossible, sir.
10:49I know from long experience that my men have all the artistic talent of a cluster of colour-blind hedgehogs in a bag.
11:00Well, that's a bit of a blur.
11:01We needed a man to leave the trenches immediately.
11:04Leave the trenches?
11:04Yes.
11:06I wonder if you've enjoyed, as I have, sir, that marvellous painting in the National Portrait Gallery, Bag Interior, by the colour-blind hedgehog workshop of Siena.
11:18I'm sorry.
11:19Are you saying you can find this man?
11:21I think I can.
11:22And might I suggest, sir, that having left the trenches, it might be a good idea to post our man to Paris in order to soak up a little of the artistic atmosphere.
11:31Perhaps even Tahiti, I do not know.
11:33So as to produce a real masterpiece.
11:36Yes, yes, but can you find the man?
11:38Now I know I can, sir.
11:41Before you can say sunflowers, I'll have Vincent van Gogh standing before you.
11:48No, no, don't stop, sir.
11:52It's coming.
11:53It's definitely coming.
11:54I just wonder whether two socks and a hand grenade is really the sort of thing that covers of King and Country are made of.
12:04They will be when I've painted them being shoved up the Kaiser's backside.
12:07Ah, now, now, this is interesting.
12:11What is?
12:11Well, Private Baldrick is obviously a bit of an impressionist.
12:15The only decent impression he can do is of a man with no talent.
12:19What's it called, Baldrick?
12:20The Vomiting Cavalier?
12:22No, sir, that's not supposed to be vomit.
12:26It's dabs of light.
12:28No, it's vomit.
12:30Yes.
12:30So, why did you choose that?
12:32You told me to, sir.
12:33Did I?
12:34Yeah, you told me to paint whatever comes from within.
12:37So I did my breakfast.
12:40Look, there's a little tomato.
12:41Oh, goodness, if only I'd paid attention in nursery art class instead of spending my entire time manufacturing papier-mâché willies to frighten Sarah Wallace.
12:53You know, it's funny, but painting was the only thing I was ever any good at.
12:56Well, it's a pity you didn't keep it up.
12:58Well, as a matter of fact, I did, actually.
12:59I mean, normally, of course, I wouldn't show them to anyone because they're just embarrassing daubs, really.
13:05But, you know, they give me pleasure.
13:08I'm embarrassed to show them to you now as it happens.
13:10But there you go.
13:11For what they're worth, to be honest, I should have my hands cut off.
13:15George, these are brilliant.
13:17Why didn't you tell us about these before?
13:19Well, you know, doesn't like to blow one's own trumpet.
13:22You might at least have told us you had a trumpet.
13:26These paintings could spell my way out of the trenches.
13:29Yours?
13:31That's right, ours.
13:34All we have to do is paint something heroic to appeal to the simple-minded Tommy.
13:39Over to you, Baldrick.
13:40Um, how about a noble Tommy standing with a look of horror and disgust over the body of a murdered nun
13:48that's been brutally done over by a nasty old German?
13:53Excellent.
13:54I-I can see it now.
13:55The nun and the hun.
13:57No time to lose.
13:59George, set up your easel.
14:01Baldrick and I will pose.
14:03This is going to be Art's greatest moment since Mona Lisa sat down and told Leonardo da Vinci she was in a slightly odd mood.
14:10Baldrick, you lie down in the mud and be the nun.
14:12I'm not lying down there.
14:13It's all wet.
14:14Well, let's put it this way.
14:15Either you lie down and get wet, or you knock down and get a broken nose.
14:19Actually, it's not that wet, is it?
14:21No.
14:26What are you going to be then, sir?
14:27The noble Tommy?
14:28Precisely.
14:29Standing over the body of the ravaged nun.
14:31I want a wimple.
14:32Well, you should have gone before we started the picture.
14:34You know, the funny thing is, my father was a nun.
14:37No, he wasn't.
14:41He was so, sir.
14:43I know, because whenever he was up in court and the judge used to say occupation, he'd say none.
14:53Right, you ready?
14:54Oh, just about, sir, yes.
14:55Um, if you'd just like to pop your clothes on the stool.
15:01I'm sorry?
15:02Just pop your clothes on the stool over there.
15:04You mean, you want me tackle out?
15:07That's not so, sir, yes.
15:12If I can remind you of the realities of battle, George, one of the first things that everyone
15:16notices is that all the protagonists have got their clothes on.
15:19Neither we nor the Hun favour fighting our battles au naturel.
15:24But, sir, it's artistic license.
15:26It's willing suspension of disbelief.
15:29Well, I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief at my willy suspension.
15:34Now, get on and paint the bloody thing sharpish.
15:37Brilliant, George.
15:42It's a masterpiece.
15:44The wimple suits you, Bullrich.
15:45By, it completely covers my face.
15:48Exactly.
15:49Now, then, General Melchard will be here at any moment.
15:52When he arrives, leave the talking to me, all right?
15:54I like to keep an informal trench, as you know.
15:57But today, you must only speak with my express permission.
16:01Is that clear?
16:02Is that clear?
16:05Permission to speak?
16:06Yes, sir.
16:07Absolutely, yes, sir.
16:09Tension!
16:09Dug out!
16:13Tension!
16:17Excellent.
16:18At ease.
16:19Now, then, Blackadder, where would you like me to sit?
16:21I thought just a simple trim of the moustache today, nothing drastic.
16:24No, sir.
16:25We hear about the paintings, sir.
16:26Oh, yes, of course.
16:28Good Lord, George!
16:30Ha, ha, ha!
16:31How are you, my boy?
16:35I said, how are you?
16:37Permission to speak?
16:38Oh, no, absolutely.
16:39Top holes are with a ying and a yang and a yippity-doo.
16:43Splendid!
16:44And your Uncle Betty sends his regards.
16:46I told them you could have a week off in April.
16:48Don't want you missing the boat race, do we?
16:51Permission to speak?
16:52Certainly not.
16:53Permission to sing boisterously, sir?
16:55If you must.
16:57Ho, ro, ro, you punt, gently down the stream.
17:00Belts off, trousers down, is a life a scream.
17:08Fabulous.
17:09University education.
17:10You can't beat it.
17:12Bravo.
17:14Now, what have we here?
17:16Name?
17:17Permission to speak?
17:19Baldrake, sir.
17:20Oh, tally-ho, yippity-dap and zing-zang spillet.
17:23Looking forward to bullying off for the final chucker?
17:28Permission to speak?
17:32Answer the general, Baldrake.
17:34I can't answer him, sir.
17:35I don't know what he's talking about.
17:39Are you looking forward to the big push?
17:42No, sir, I'm absolutely terrified.
17:47The healthy humour of the honest Tommy.
17:51Don't worry, my boy.
17:52If you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.
17:57About 35 miles behind you.
18:00Right, well, stand by your bed.
18:03Let's have a look at this artist of yours, Blackadder.
18:05Next to me, darling.
18:06Thank you, sir.
18:07Have you found someone?
18:10Yes, sir.
18:10I think I have.
18:11None other than young George here.
18:14Oh, brother.
18:15Well, let's have a shifty, then.
18:17It's simply called War.
18:21Damn silly title, George.
18:23Looks more like a couple of socks and a stick of pineapple to me.
18:28Permission to speak, sir?
18:29I think not, actually.
18:32Quite right.
18:33If what happens when you open your mouth is anything like what happens when you open your paintbox,
18:37we'll all be drenched in phlegm.
18:40Oh, no.
18:41This isn't what we're looking for at all, is it, darling?
18:43No, sir.
18:44No, sir.
18:45No, sir.
18:45This, sir, it's Private Baldrick's.
18:47He's called it My Family and Other Animals.
18:53Oh, good Lord, no.
18:55Well, I'm afraid that's about it, sir.
18:58Apart from this little thing.
19:01Ah, now that's more like it.
19:04Who painted this, Blackadder?
19:06Well, actually, it was me.
19:08Permission to speak really quite urgently, sir.
19:11Damn and blast your goggly eyes.
19:13Will you stop interrupting, George?
19:15Oh, this is excellent.
19:16Congratulations, man.
19:18Oh, it's totally inspiring.
19:20Makes you wonder.
19:21Jump over the top and yell,
19:23Ya boo sucks to you, Fritzy.
19:26Thank you, sir.
19:27Are you sure you did this, Blackadder?
19:29Of course, I'm sure.
19:30I'm afraid I don't believe you.
19:33How dare you, darling?
19:36Well, I can't let that slur pass.
19:38What possible?
19:38Low, suspicious, slanderous reason.
19:41Get this, office boy,
19:43have for thinking that I didn't paint the picture.
19:45Well, three reasons, as a matter of fact.
19:47Firstly, you're in it.
19:48It's a self-portrait.
19:52Secondly, you told us you couldn't paint.
19:54Well, one doesn't like to blow one's own trumpet.
19:56Permission?
19:57Denied.
19:57And thirdly, it's signed, George.
20:12Well spotted.
20:14But not signed, George.
20:17Dedicated to George.
20:19King George.
20:21Gentlemen, the king.
20:22The king.
20:23Where?
20:25Bravo, Blackadder.
20:27I have absolutely no hesitation
20:29in appointing you our official regimental artist.
20:32You're a damn fine chap.
20:33Not a pen-pushing, desk-sucking,
20:36blotter-jotter like Darling here.
20:38May, darling?
20:39No, sir.
20:40No, sir.
20:41Well, accompany us back to HQ immediately.
20:43Attention!
20:45Permission to jolly well speak right now, sir.
20:47Otherwise, I might just burst like a bloody balloon.
20:49Later, George.
20:52Much later.
20:55Congratulations on your new appointment, Blackadder.
20:57Thank you, sir.
20:59And may I say, Blackadder,
21:00I am particularly pleased about it.
21:02Are you?
21:03Oh, yes.
21:04Now that you are our official war artist,
21:07we can give you the full briefing.
21:10The fact is, Blackadder,
21:11that the king and country cover story
21:13was just a cover story.
21:15We want you, as our top painting bod,
21:19to leave the trenches...
21:21Good.
21:21...tonight...
21:22Suits me.
21:23...and go out into no-man's land.
21:29No-man's land.
21:30Yes.
21:32Not Paris.
21:33No.
21:35We want you to come back
21:36with accurate drawings of the enemy positions.
21:39You want me to sit in no-man's land
21:42painting pictures of the Germans.
21:44Precisely.
21:46Good man.
21:47Well, it's a very attractive proposition, gentlemen,
21:49but unfortunately, not practical.
21:51You see, my medium is light.
21:53It'll be pitch dark.
21:54I won't be able to see a thing.
21:56Ah.
21:56Ah, that is a point.
21:57I'll tell you what,
21:58we'll send up a couple of flares.
22:00You'll be lit up like a Christmas tree.
22:03Oh, excellent, excellent.
22:04Glad I checked.
22:05All right.
22:08Total and utter quiet.
22:10Do you understand?
22:11So, for instance,
22:12if any of us crawl over any barbed wire,
22:13they must, on no account,
22:15go...
22:15Ah!
22:17You've just crawled over some barbed wire, sir?
22:19No, Baldrick,
22:20I've just put my elbow
22:21in a blob of ice cream.
22:22Oh, that's all right.
22:24Now, where the hell are we, boy?
22:26Well, it's a bit difficult to say.
22:27We appear to have crawled
22:28into an area marked with mushrooms.
22:31What do those symbols denote?
22:33Don't we're in a field of mushrooms?
22:35Lieutenant, that is a military map.
22:37It is unlikely to list
22:39interesting flora and fungi.
22:41Look at the key,
22:43and you'll discover
22:43that those mushrooms aren't for picking.
22:45Good Lord.
22:46You're quite right, sir.
22:47It says, mine.
22:49So, these mushrooms
22:51must belong to the man
22:52who made the map.
22:52Either that,
22:58or we're in the middle
22:59of a mine field.
23:01Oh, dear.
23:02So, he owns the field as well.
23:07They're boring, sir!
23:08They're boring!
23:09Ah, yes, thank you, Lieutenant.
23:12If they hit me,
23:13you'll be sure to point it out,
23:14aren't you?
23:15Now, come on,
23:16get on with your drawing
23:17and let's get out of here.
23:18Well, surely we ought to wait
23:19for the flares, sir.
23:20You see, my medium is light.
23:22Look, just use your imagination,
23:24for heaven's sake.
23:25Wait a minute.
23:26That's the answer.
23:27What?
23:27I can't believe
23:28I've been so stupid.
23:30Yeah, that is unusual,
23:31because usually I'm the stupid one.
23:33Well, I'm not over-furnished
23:35in the brain department.
23:37Yes, well, on this occasion,
23:38I've been stupidest of all.
23:40Oh, now, sir,
23:41I will not have that.
23:44Baldrick and I
23:44will always be more stupid than you.
23:46Isn't that right, Baldrick?
23:47Stupid, stupid, stupid.
23:49Yeah.
23:50Stupidy, stupidy, stupid.
23:51Stupidest stupids
23:53and the whole history of stupidity does.
24:01Finished?
24:03I think the obvious point is this.
24:05We'll go straight back to the dugout
24:07and do the painting from there.
24:09You do the most imaginative,
24:10most exciting possible drawing
24:12of German defences
24:13from your imagination.
24:15I see.
24:16Now, that is a challenge.
24:17Well, quite.
24:17Come on, let's get out of here.
24:20Oh, sir, just one thing.
24:22If we should happen to tread on a mine,
24:23what do we do?
24:24Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant,
24:29is to jump 200 feet into the air
24:31and scatter yourself over a wide area.
24:35Are you sure this is what you saw, Blackadder?
24:41Absolutely.
24:42I mean, there may have been
24:42a few more armament factories
24:44and not quite as many elephants,
24:45but...
24:46Well, you know what this means.
24:53If it's true, sir,
24:54we'll have to cancel the push.
24:56Exactly.
24:57Damn!
24:58What a nuisance.
25:00Exactly what the enemy
25:01would expect us to do
25:03and therefore exactly what we shan't do.
25:06Ah.
25:06Now...
25:07If we attack where the line is strongest,
25:10then Fritz will think
25:11that our reconnaissance is a total shambles.
25:14This will lull him
25:15into a sense of full security.
25:16And then next week,
25:18we can attack where the line
25:19is actually badly defended
25:21and win the greatest victory
25:23since the Winchester flower arranging team
25:26beat Harrow
25:27by 12 sore bottoms to one.
25:31Tell me,
25:32have you ever visited the planet Earth, sir?
25:34So, best fighting trousers on, Blackadder.
25:38Permission to shout bravo
25:40at an annoyingly loud volume, sir?
25:42Permission granted.
25:43Bravo!
25:45That's the spirit.
25:46Just your kind of caper, eh, Blackadder?
25:48Oh, yes.
25:49Good luck against those elephants.
25:54Get me a chisel and some marble,
25:56will you, Bordrick?
25:57Oh, you're taking up sculpture now, sir?
25:59No, I thought I'd get my headstone done.
26:02What are you going to put on this?
26:03Here lies Edmund Blackadder
26:05and he's bloody annoyed.
26:09We're not going over, are we, sir?
26:11Yes, we are.
26:12Unless I can think of some brilliant plan.
26:14Would you like some rat-o-van
26:16to help you think?
26:18Rat-o-van.
26:20Yeah, it's rat that's been run over by van.
26:24No, thank you, Bordrick.
26:26Although, it gives me an idea.
26:30Telephone, please.
26:31I suppose Blackadder and his boys
26:34will have gone over the top by now, sir.
26:35Yes, God, I wish I was out there with them
26:38dodging the bullets instead of having to sit here
26:40drinking this Chateau Lafitte
26:41and eating these filets mignons with sauce bearnaise.
26:45My thoughts, exactly, sir.
26:48Damn this Chateau Lafitte.
26:50He's a very brave man, Blackadder.
26:52And, of course, that lieutenant of his, George.
26:55Cambridge man, you know.
26:57His uncle Bertie and I used to break wind for our college.
27:01Slightly, um, unusual taste, this sauce bearnaise.
27:05Yes, sir.
27:06And to be quite frank, these, these mignons are a little, well...
27:11What?
27:12Well, dungy.
27:14What on earth's wrong with Aunt Cook?
27:17Well, it's a rather strange story, sir.
27:20Oh?
27:20Tell, tell.
27:22Well, sir, I received a phone call this afternoon
27:24from Pope Gregory IX
27:26telling me that our cook
27:28had been selected for the England cricket team
27:31and must set sail for the West Indies immediately.
27:33Really?
27:35Barely a moment later, the phone rang again.
27:38It was a trio of wandering Italian chefs
27:40who happened to be in the area offering their services.
27:43So I had the quartermaster take them on at once.
27:46Huh? Huh? Huh?
27:47Oh, dumping juggies!
27:50Are you sure these are real raisins in this blood dump?
27:55Oh, yes, I'm sure they are, sir.
27:58Everything will be all right once the cream custard arrives.
28:03Oh, that was all jolly good fun, sir,
28:06but, dash it all, we appear to have missed the big push.
28:10Oh, damn, so we have.
28:13One thing puzzles me, Balric.
28:15How did you manage to get so much custard
28:17out of such a small cat?
28:19LAUGHTER
28:20theatre
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