- 2 days ago
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00:19Hello?
00:21Anybody here?
00:25Any members of the Thin Blue Line in attendance?
00:31They can't all be down a Newbury bypass, surely.
00:35Fancy leaving a police station unattended.
00:38Serve them right if somebody came in here and nicked all their truncheons.
00:42Good afternoon, sir. Sorry to keep you waiting.
00:44If I may say so, it's a trifle lax. I could have been anybody.
00:48I could have come in here straight up to this desk.
00:50I could have had this ballpoint pen away before you had your helmet on.
00:53I could have had it resprayed out of the country
00:55on Sewing Moscow by Thursday morning.
00:58I don't think so, sir.
01:02Where?
01:03Up there, sir. Oh no, not again.
01:08That's the third one this month.
01:11I'd join a local neighbourhood watch if I were you.
01:14I'm surprised nobody noticed it on the monitors.
01:17No, they went last week.
01:19So since I walked in here, I've been under surveillance by two loose wires
01:23attached to a bank of non-existent monitors.
01:25That's about the size of it.
01:27It's not our fault, sir. We are grossly undermanned.
01:30Now, how can we help you, sir?
01:32I wish to report a flying saucer.
01:36I see. From outer space, was it?
01:39No, from next door's kitchen window.
01:42Closely followed by a teapot, a red Le Creuset saucepan and a wok.
01:47This has got to stop.
01:49Every time they have a row, I get bombarded.
01:51I possess more of their wedding presents than they do.
01:54A final straw occurred this morning
01:57when flying into my breakfast room,
02:00which incidentally doubles as a kitchen, lounge, dining room and bedroom,
02:04came a commemorative mug depicting His Royal Highness
02:06Charles Prince of Wells and the Lady Diana Spencer.
02:09Didn't it break?
02:10Into more pieces than the original union.
02:13Now, I demand you put a stop to it.
02:15I'm not sure we can help you, sir.
02:16We don't normally get involved in domestics.
02:19So you can't do anything?
02:19I could send a patrol car around.
02:22Assuming you've got any left.
02:23Yes.
02:24I'll tell you what, sir, I'm off duty at four.
02:27I'll go around and have a quiet, friendly word with him.
02:29Would you really?
02:30Certainly, sir, if you'd just like to write your address down.
02:35Blimey, I'm not going round there.
02:37Oh, come on, it's not that bad.
02:39If you get there before sunset.
02:41You can go there in a Belfast Land Rover.
02:44This is ludicrous.
02:45You are paid to protect members of the public.
02:47Yes, I know, but come on, be fair.
02:50You can take a few dogs round.
02:52I'll tell you what, sir.
02:53I'll see what I can do if you'd perform a little service for us.
02:57Oh, a sort of quid pro quo.
02:58Oh, no, we can't pay you anything.
03:01Pity.
03:02What I had in mind, sir, was a way you could assist us in one of our investigations.
03:06Really?
03:07What sort of be a honorary plod?
03:10In a way, sir, yes.
03:12Quite nicely put.
03:14I wondered if you'd be so kind as to assist us for taking part in an identification parade.
03:19What, you mean lining up on a platform with the light shining in your eyes?
03:22And your height marked out on that big ruler up the side of the wall?
03:26Well, that's how they do it in NYPD Blue, but we in Tooting have our own methods.
03:30And every bit is efficient, I have no doubt.
03:32We like to think so, sir.
03:34We have a suspect and we want to put him in a parade.
03:37And you'd like me to pick him out?
03:40Well, how can you? You didn't see him.
03:43Does that matter?
03:46What are you insinuating?
03:47Nothing. We Guardian readers get very suspicious.
03:51Please forgive me.
03:52We have three witnesses, but we need people of a similar build to the suspect and you would be perfect.
03:57And afterwards we'll run you back home in the squad car.
03:59You'd have to put my bike on the roof rack.
04:01No problem.
04:03Say no more. Of course I will help you.
04:05I would consider it a privilege to assist the law in apprehending the rogues, ragamuffins and footpads of this nation.
04:11Until the jails, they keep promising us, are filled to overflowing.
04:16Well said, sir.
04:18Yes, I thought you'd like that.
04:20Now then, sir, if you'd like to step this way.
04:41That's the one, isn't it? He stands out a mile.
04:44That's the investigating officers.
04:50This gentleman has kindly agreed to make up the number.
04:53Very kind of you to spare us your valuable time, sir.
04:55No problem. I can watch Pingu any day.
04:58Let me put you in the picture.
05:00Somebody held up the news agents on the high street yesterday and robbed the till of £53, all the scratch
05:05cards and 200 cigarettes.
05:06Shocking. Those don't smoke adverts are useless.
05:09There are three witnesses, all of whom say they would be able to recognise the man if they saw him
05:13again.
05:14We have a suspect and we're going to put him into an identification parade.
05:17We've got to be fair to him, apparently.
05:20So the witnesses have got to pick him out from a bunch.
05:22It's reassuring to know that the British sense of justice is not dead.
05:26Yes, well, this shouldn't take long, sir.
05:28Line up the volunteers, please, Sergeant.
05:31If you wouldn't mind getting into line with the others. Anywhere will do.
05:34Certainly.
05:39Right.
05:54Happy where we are now, sir?
05:56Safer, shall we say.
05:58No offence, squire.
06:02Right.
06:03I shall now bring in the first witness and she'll take a good look at you all.
06:06I don't want you to say anything or try to influence her in any way at all.
06:10Any questions?
06:12Right, Sergeant, bring in the first witness, please.
06:16It's dramatic, isn't it?
06:17Who do you think it is?
06:18Well, it wasn't me.
06:20Well, I didn't think it was.
06:21That's why I'm standing next to you.
06:22I was at home in bed watching television.
06:24I was watching a film and the film starred Michael Caine.
06:27It started at 3.33 after Rosie and Jim.
06:30All right, all right, all right.
06:31I'm not asking you for an alibi.
06:32It was the episode of Rosie and Jim where they got stuck in a lock.
06:35Oh, I haven't seen that one.
06:36Oh, it's good. Yeah, I've got it on video.
06:38Do you think I could bother it?
06:39Quiet, please.
06:42Mrs Haggerty.
06:44Come here, Mrs Haggerty.
06:47Don't be frightened.
06:48I'm not frightened.
06:49Good. Now, Mrs Haggerty, you work in the newsagents and you saw the man.
06:54I'd know him anywhere, the bastard.
06:58He took all the scratch cards, 53 quid and 200 super kings.
07:03I roll me own.
07:05Well, now, I want you to look at these gentlemen very carefully
07:08and tell me if you recognise any of them.
07:10Take your time, there's no hurry.
07:11We don't want to get the wrong man if we can help it, do we?
07:14Now, I don't want you to pick anybody out unless you're absolutely sure.
07:18Right.
07:54Him.
07:58Him?
07:59Me?
08:00This is him.
08:01Are you sure?
08:02That's him, that's the man.
08:04Don't be a ridiculous woman, I've never seen you before in me life.
08:06Madam, this is a very serious charge, you must be absolutely sure.
08:10I'd recognise those villainous features anywhere.
08:13This is the man who robbed me.
08:15This is absurd.
08:16I came here to report a crime, not be accused of one.
08:19The woman's out of her mind.
08:20You've made a mistake.
08:21You've probably seen me down the gym.
08:24Go on.
08:26Have another look.
08:32Yes, it's him.
08:33Oh, I'm going home.
08:34I joined this parade in the spirit of public duty for which I am very well known.
08:38I don't have been so insulted in all my life.
08:40Good day, do you?
08:40I'm sorry, sir.
08:41You can't go home.
08:44Surely you can't believe the ramblings of a senile old till basher.
08:50She's had too many cigarettes, her eyes have smoked up.
08:53Those French ones she sells are enough to send anybody off their head.
08:55Be that as it may, sir, you have been identified.
08:58It may be a case of mistaken identity.
09:00It often happens.
09:01We have two other witnesses who were in the shop at the time.
09:03We'll just have to wait and see what they've got to say.
09:05Oh, well, that's more like it.
09:07It's him.
09:08It's him.
09:09I know it's him.
09:11Perhaps you'd all like to change places.
09:19Why don't you own up?
09:20I want to go home.
09:26Here.
09:28When you get out, there's a job waiting for you and my gang.
09:33I'm not interested in your gang.
09:36Oh.
09:36A lone wolf.
09:38I am not a lone wolf.
09:40I've never been in prison in my life.
09:42Then where'd you learn to talk out the corner of your mouth?
09:44I'm not talking out the corner...
09:45Oh, blimey.
09:47No talking.
09:49Mr Hardacre.
09:50Oh, come in.
09:51Now, Mr Hardacre.
09:52I want you to tell me if you recognise any of these men
09:55as the man who robbed the newsagents yesterday.
09:58Take a good look at them and take your time.
10:00There's no hurry.
10:00We're all on overtime.
10:17Yeah!
10:18It's him!
10:20Oh, God.
10:21Not him as well.
10:22He hasn't seen the rest of them yet.
10:24Yeah.
10:24I want protection.
10:25And now I've identified him, he'll put out a contract on me.
10:29What does he mean, contract?
10:31You've made a mistake.
10:32No, I haven't.
10:33And don't you shout at me, you...
10:36You skinhead!
10:39Skinhead?
10:40He's got cataracts, never mind contracts.
10:42Make him look at the others.
10:44I think you had better take a look at the other men as well, Mr Hardacre.
10:47Oh, all right.
10:49No, no, no.
10:50Him.
10:51He's the one.
10:52You have absolutely no doubt about it.
10:54None at all.
10:55It's him.
10:56I'm innocent.
10:57This is a conspiracy.
10:58Mrs Haggerty and Mr Hardacre have positively identified you, sir.
11:01I can't help that.
11:02They're both wrong.
11:03They're trying to zimmer frame me.
11:06It's a plot to try and get me out of the way.
11:08For what reason, sir?
11:10Well, I don't know.
11:11They might want to get married.
11:13That's it.
11:13They're after my flat.
11:14They've got nowhere to go and they want my flat.
11:16Nonsense.
11:17I don't know so much.
11:18People would do anything for us.
11:19Sergeant, we have one more witness.
11:21He should put the matter beyond any doubt.
11:23He was within two feet of the bandit and got a totally unobstructed clocking of him.
11:28Another witness?
11:28What good would that do?
11:29Two out of three, it's like the ashes.
11:30I've lost already.
11:33Why don't you just make a confession and save wasting any more time?
11:36Oh, so this is British justice, is it?
11:38You want me to admit the things I haven't done just so that you can have the rest of the
11:41week off?
11:43Bring in the last witness, Sergeant.
11:45Wait a minute.
11:46I want another change round.
12:04What are you shaking for?
12:06I've never been this close to a desperate criminal before.
12:09Go on, get out of here.
12:13What do you do with the money, then?
12:15Don't you start.
12:16I've had enough of this as is.
12:17You think this is funny, don't you?
12:18Well, I don't.
12:19I am very annoyed.
12:21Well, that's only natural.
12:22Everyone gets annoyed when they're caught for the first time.
12:24I've not been caught for the first time.
12:26I haven't done anything to be caught for.
12:27Just a fantastic coincidence that two independent witnesses should pick me out when I wasn't
12:32even there.
12:33It's ludicrous.
12:34Oi!
12:35You!
12:36Shut it!
12:37See?
12:38Their attitude's changed.
12:40They've already convicted me in their own minds.
12:42It was my dear sir when I arrived.
12:44Now it's all you.
12:45Shut it.
12:47Well, don't worry about it.
12:48If you didn't do it, the third witness will settle it.
12:50He saw the man face to face.
12:51He'll clear you.
12:52Yeah, of course.
12:53Three people couldn't make the same mistake.
12:55It's beyond the law of averages.
12:57Bring him in.
13:00Bring him in, Sergeant.
13:04That's him.
13:06That's the man.
13:08The one with the funny haircut.
13:09Funny haircut?
13:10How dare you?
13:12This is trendy.
13:13This is known in the trade as a Mel Rachel.
13:16Back in line, you.
13:18Is this the man?
13:21Yes.
13:22I was as near to him then as I am now.
13:25And this is definitely the man who robbed the shop.
13:27I'm not.
13:28You're mistaken.
13:28I'm not the man you saw.
13:30This is a Kafkaesque nightmare.
13:32It's him all right.
13:33I recognise the voice.
13:34Nonsense.
13:35Lot of people think like this.
13:38Be quiet.
13:39You'll get your chance to speak.
13:41Right, Sergeant.
13:42They can all go now.
13:42Thank you very much, gentlemen.
13:44Not you, sweetheart.
13:45You're not going anywhere.
13:47I demand to see my lawyer.
13:48Who is he?
13:49I haven't got one.
13:50But I want one.
13:51Get me Cherry Blair.
13:52You can't treat an innocent man like this.
13:54If you're innocent, you've got nothing to worry about.
13:56Exactly.
13:57We never convict an innocent man unless it's absolutely necessary.
14:00Hold your hands up.
14:05You are entitled to one phone call.
14:23We don't need you anymore, sir.
14:24You can go.
14:25This man is entitled to legal representation.
14:28Are you a solicitor?
14:29Better than that.
14:30A barrister?
14:31He can't be a judge, surely.
14:33His hair's too short.
14:34I can see his ears.
14:36I am an usher at Kingston Crown Court.
14:39What, you tear the tickets up as they come in?
14:41No, I show the witnesses in.
14:43The point is that I'm in court every day.
14:44They're not, you see.
14:45So I know as much about law as any of those toffee-nosed toss-bots.
14:49Do you wish this man to represent you?
14:52No.
14:55Listen.
14:56Do yourself a favour.
14:57I know what they can do and what they can't do.
14:59Now, you leave it to me and I'll protect your rights.
15:01All right, then.
15:02We want legal aid.
15:03But only till Cherry Blair turns up.
15:05Very well.
15:06Sit down, please.
15:09Sergeant, take notes.
15:13Cigarette?
15:14Don't take one.
15:15He's after your fingerprints.
15:18Right.
15:20Name?
15:20Don't tell him.
15:21Why not?
15:22I'm innocent.
15:24All right, please yourself.
15:25Merton Appal.
15:27Wait a minute.
15:28Where's your tape recorder?
15:29We haven't got one.
15:30It got Nick with his surveillance cameras.
15:33Has anyone got a pencil?
15:34What a farts.
15:36Carry on.
15:38Carry on.
15:39Occupation?
15:40Resting.
15:41From what?
15:42Work.
15:43Look, can we cut to the meat?
15:44I want to go home.
15:45My client wishes to establish an alibi.
15:48Exactly.
15:49Why didn't you think of that earlier?
15:50Cherry would have done.
15:51When the felony took place, I was home in bed.
15:54Any witnesses?
15:54How dare you?
15:56What are you implying?
15:57I was having my breakfast.
15:58Do you have any witnesses?
15:59Oh, yes.
16:00The gas meter reader.
16:01Oh?
16:02He'd remember.
16:02He stood on me bed and put his foot right through me frosties.
16:06So, on Tuesday morning...
16:08Oh, no, no.
16:08That was Monday morning, but I was still in bed on Tuesday.
16:11We have three witnesses who say that you weren't.
16:13I was.
16:14I'm telling the truth.
16:16Look, take my tip.
16:18Forget the truth.
16:18What we need is a few convincing lies.
16:20Never.
16:21My mother always told me to tell the truth under any circumstances.
16:23Your mother was never had up for knocking over a sweet shop.
16:26My client pleads insanity.
16:28I do not.
16:30I'm innocent and I intend to prove it.
16:32Very well.
16:32You were home in bed.
16:33What time did you get up?
16:35About half past twelve.
16:37Always get up early on a Tuesday.
16:39The shop was robbed at 3.30 in the afternoon.
16:42Oh.
16:43What did you do yesterday?
16:45A detailed account, please.
16:47I got up.
16:48Had me breakfast.
16:49Fed the gecko.
16:50I put me hat and coat on.
16:51I went down the street.
16:52I'm not going too fast for you, am I?
16:53You got the bit about the gecko?
16:54Come on.
16:55Get on with it.
16:56Where did you go?
16:56I went to the pictures.
16:58Ah, now we're getting somewhere.
16:59If you can prove that, you may be able to clear yourself.
17:01Have you got the ticket stub?
17:02No.
17:02I put my chewing gum in it while I was eating my popcorn
17:05and I put it in the hood of the duffel coat
17:06and a bloke sitting in front of me.
17:08Well, that wasn't very nice.
17:10Well, I couldn't tell.
17:11It was dark.
17:11It was hanging over the seat.
17:12I thought that's what it was there for.
17:14It wasn't just me.
17:15There was three empty Coke cans, a banana skin,
17:18two half-eaten hot dogs and a copy of Time Outlet.
17:21The trouble started when he put his hood up.
17:23He must have read about it.
17:25Riot in cinema, man thrown through screen.
17:28So you haven't got a ticket stub?
17:30No.
17:31You're in trouble, sunshine.
17:32I didn't do it.
17:34The magistrates will decide that.
17:36Oh, you're joking.
17:37The magistrates around here have got no chance.
17:39Last year, I was fined £300 for doing 71 miles an hour.
17:4371 miles an hour.
17:44£300.
17:45Where was that?
17:46The third, fourth and fifth floor of Bentrell's car park.
17:50Not even in the street.
17:51It's outrageous.
17:53You must give him a chance to prove his innocence.
17:56Supposing you put him in jail and he never did it.
17:58You'd never forgive yourself, says he naively.
18:01Give him Baal.
18:02Have you any objection to Baal, sir?
18:05No, as long as he doesn't leave the district.
18:07Shall we say £100?
18:09£50.
18:10£75.
18:11£62.50.
18:12Done.
18:14You won't regret this.
18:15You've given an innocent man a chance to clear his name.
18:17Remember, don't leave the district.
18:20There's only chances I find the real culprit.
18:22There's got to be someone who looks uncannidly like me.
18:25I'll do any model agencies round here.
18:28What we need to do is retrace your steps on that fatal day.
18:32You're right.
18:33Come, Watson.
18:34The game is afoot.
18:39You're right.
18:40Mm-hmm.
18:46Now, this is the place.
18:48I was in here all yesterday afternoon.
18:50James and the Giant Peach.
18:52I watched it round twice because I didn't understand it the first time.
18:57Now, if the girl in the box office recognises me, I'm in the clear.
19:01Why should she remember you?
19:03Because I gave her my telephone number on the way in.
19:05And she gave it back to me on the way out.
19:09You wait here.
19:10I'll go and ask her.
19:11If she remembers, I'll call you over.
19:15Excuse me, miss.
19:17Would you remember a tall, scruffy bloke in a raincoat who bought a ticket and gave you his telephone number
19:22yesterday afternoon?
19:23Why should I?
19:24Why should I?
19:24This place is full of scruffy blokes in raincoats.
19:27Call him in.
19:28Psst!
19:31There.
19:32Do you recognise him?
19:34Yes.
19:34That's him.
19:35That's the man.
19:36I'd recognise him anywhere.
19:37See?
19:37She remembers me.
19:38Last week he helped me up at gunpoint and stole all the takings.
19:40Oh, this is ridiculous.
19:42It's him!
19:43Police!
19:44Police!
19:45Stop this!
19:47Police!
19:58She's mistaken, I tell you.
19:59It was somebody else.
20:00They can't all be wrong.
20:01They are, I tell you.
20:03I've got a double wandering around.
20:05A doppelganger.
20:08Maybe even a triple ganger.
20:10How many other jobs have you done?
20:12I'll be doing one on you in a minute.
20:14Oh, there's gratitude for you.
20:15I'm taking a chance being seen with you.
20:18A criminal with your record.
20:20Yeah.
20:21You realise where this is, don't you?
20:24Yeah, the newsagents you robbed.
20:26Exactly.
20:27They didn't rob it.
20:29They've identified me.
20:31But if they saw me again, in the shop, at the scene of the crime, then they might realise they've
20:36made a mistake.
20:37It was possible.
20:38Come on.
20:40Come on.
20:43It's him again.
20:44He's escaped.
20:48Take all the money, but don't hurt us.
20:51Please don't hurt us.
20:52We haven't done anything to you.
20:54Don't shoot us.
20:55Oh, put your hands down.
20:57I'm not going to touch you.
20:59I just want to ask you a few questions.
21:03Now, what exactly happened yesterday afternoon?
21:05Well, you should know.
21:07You did it.
21:07Now, look here, missus.
21:08I'm...
21:11I came in.
21:13Then what did I do?
21:14You said, grab the skies, you guys.
21:18This is a sticker.
21:19Don't move or I'll fill you full of lead.
21:22Yeah, it sounds just like me, doesn't it?
21:25Then what?
21:26Mrs. Agatty fainted and you went round the counter.
21:30You took the money out of the till, all the scratch cards, 200 fags, and then you ran out of
21:36the shop.
21:36All right, then.
21:37We'll reconstruct it.
21:38I'll do it exactly like that, then see if you still think it was me.
21:42All right.
21:43I came in.
21:45Grab the skies, you guys.
21:48This is a stick-up.
21:51Don't move or I'll fill you full of lead.
21:56I'm only acting, dear.
21:58I went behind the counter, took the money out of the till.
22:04Not very good today, is it?
22:06Scratch cards and 200 fags.
22:10A brand which I never smoke, incidentally.
22:14Then I backed towards the door, making my escape.
22:18All right, sunshine, that's it. Come on, you're nicked.
22:20Don't you ever give up?
22:21You don't understand, officer.
22:22I was reconstructing the crime.
22:24Yeah.
22:25And I'm reconstructing the arrest.
22:27I'm trying to prove my innocence.
22:28Ask him.
22:29Do you know this man?
22:30Me?
22:31No.
22:32Never seen him before in my life.
22:34Just come in to get us some pot noodles, that's all.
22:41We caught him again, Sarge.
22:43Same place.
22:44Red-handed this time.
22:45Number 22 pounds, a handful of scratch cards and 200 fags.
22:47I can explain.
22:48I was merely trying to prove they were wrong.
22:49It's all right, sir.
22:50We know the truth now.
22:51You're a very lucky man.
22:52Pardon?
22:53Not 30 minutes ago, a man was caught breaking into a fish shop.
22:56When he was arrested, he confessed to the newsagent's job and robbing the cinema.
23:00Sergeant, there appears to have been a slight case of mistaken identity.
23:03There.
23:04Oh, I told you.
23:05Unhand me.
23:06And I'll be thrown out of the force.
23:08And now, before I sue for wrongful arrest, perhaps you'd be so good as to allow me
23:11to meet this bent-allet Guinness who so very nearly ruined me.
23:14Yes, we're very sorry, sir.
23:15We apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
23:18Oh, here he comes now.
23:25Him?
23:27How did anybody confuse me with him?
23:29We can all make mistakes, sir.
23:32Mistakes, yes, but Gordon Bennett, this is ridiculous.
23:34Oh, that's the way it goes.
23:36Is that all you can say?
23:37I shall be consulting Cherry Blair first thing in the morning to institute proceedings.
23:41You ought to be ashamed of yourself, pretending to be me.
23:44Oh, Burrocks.
23:48Help!
23:49I've been robbed.
23:50I was knocked down in the street and robbed.
23:52He was a...
23:53That's him.
23:54That's the man.
23:55That's the one who robbed me.
23:57Grab him.
23:57Don't let him get away.
23:58I've never seen this man before in me life.
24:00I think we'd better go over all this again, sir.
24:02Oh, very well.
24:03I came in here this morning to report a flying saucer,
24:05whereupon I was asked to take part in an identity break.
24:07Being a public-spirited citizen and a right child...
24:10Put it on me here, please.
24:11You get...
24:15APPLAUSE
24:18APPLAUSE
24:32Thank you very much so much, Sue, and Dave's going!
24:37Here we go!