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00:27I love romantic fiction.
00:30This is a good one. Hold back the dark.
00:34Sir Henry entered the drawing room.
00:37He spoke to Lady Dashwood, gruffly.
00:41Lady Dashwood, gruffly, got up and left the room.
00:46Sir Henry stood on the balcony.
00:48The air was heavy with cherry blossom.
00:50He was next door to the shoe shop.
00:54Have you got the latest Barbara Cartland novel?
00:57Well, I've got the one that was published yesterday, but there's probably been two or three or more written since
01:02then.
01:03These are past eleven now.
01:05Is there anything else you could recommend?
01:07Yes, I've got Lord Havisham's Revenge.
01:10Revenge. It's the story of a cavalier in the English Civil War who's accidentally frozen into a block of ice
01:17and wakes up 300 years later at a car boot sale in Peterborough.
01:20What's it about?
01:22Well, it's about a little boy who meets a magic weasel in the woods.
01:26And they have a series of adventures together which lead them to the buried treasure underneath the enchanted abattoir.
01:31I don't want anything political.
01:33Well, it's more of a cookbook, really.
01:36A thousand and one ways to cook a peanut.
01:39Mind you, I wouldn't do them all at once.
01:41Otherwise, you'll end up with a very hard, burnt peanut.
01:44That sounds good. I'll have that.
01:45Here we are. Seventeen and six.
01:49This is a dictionary?
01:51That's right, yeah.
01:52You can take all the words, put them in any order you like and then have any book you want.
01:56That's handy. I can throw all my other books away now.
01:58Of course you can.
02:01If you're a ruddy nutter.
02:10I'm sick of these books lying round all over the place.
02:13Why don't you do something about it?
02:15All right.
02:32Quatre noirs, four black.
02:36The gentleman on table four is having a remarkable run of luck.
02:39We've been watching him all night, boss.
02:41And if he is cheating, we've not been able to spot him.
02:44Twenty-six black.
02:47Ah, monsieur, you are lucky again.
02:55Mesdames, messieurs, place your bets, faites vos jeux.
03:00Thirty-two red.
03:02Are you sure that's thirty-two?
03:04But of course, monsieur.
03:08Monsieur, it is your night.
03:11You must have some kind of a sister.
03:14Yes.
03:15There's something that I've noticed he does every time.
03:18What's that?
03:19He wins.
03:21Dissette noirs.
03:22Seventeen black.
03:26Monsieur, I cannot tell which number you have placed your chips on.
03:32Seventeen black.
03:34Seventeen black.
03:36Monsieur, it is incredible.
03:38You win again.
03:40You win again.
03:40This is no good.
03:41He's bankrupting me.
03:43We're going to have to get much closer if we're going to catch him out.
03:46What are you going to do?
03:48I'm going to disguise myself as a tiny little ball.
03:51I'll just get changed in my office.
03:54Come in.
04:01Where are you?
04:02I'm over here on the blotting paper.
04:07Don't just stand there.
04:09Get me onto table four.
04:18Mesdames, messieurs, put your bets, faites vos jeux.
04:30There goes another three quarters of a million pounds.
04:33Right.
04:34I want you to follow him.
04:35Find out who he is and where he lives.
04:37Right.
04:38And disguise yourself.
04:39I don't want him getting suspicious.
04:52Wait.
04:54Discreately.
04:56Hey.
05:08Hey.
05:57Well, thank you very much.
05:59Yes, it would.
06:00Oh.
06:01That would explain it then.
06:03Haven't you heard?
06:04Officially, since four o'clock this afternoon, time has been running backwards.
06:07The hands seem to be going around the wrong way.
06:09Is there?
06:11There's something wrong with my watch.
06:13There's something wrong with my watch.
06:24I don't know.
06:26I don't know.
06:28I don't know.
06:31I don't know.
06:34I don't know.
06:38I don't know.
06:40I don't know.
06:41I don't know.
06:54I don't know.
06:57Clearing north, north, west, speed.
06:59Rising.
07:04Rising.
07:06Drops.
07:12Drops.
07:14Or slide.
07:23Clearing.
07:37Well, Sheriff, you sure did a good job running the McGillicuddy twins out of town.
07:43So that's who it was.
07:45I thought it was the same fella twice.
07:47Hey, Sheriff, ain't that new preacher arriving in town today?
07:52Yeah, that's right.
07:53What this town needs is a preacher man.
07:56Someone the town folk can turn to for spiritual guidance.
07:59Somebody who can put a stop to all this gambling and womanising.
08:03A good man.
08:04An honest man.
08:06A man of God.
08:10Ah, shut your face.
08:13Oh, what a bleeding dump.
08:15Here, son, do you want to make a contribution to the church run?
08:18Hey, come on.
08:20Right, that should get me pissed tonight.
08:22All right, say, colleagues, have a beer down here, then.
08:24Coming right up, stranger.
08:26That's right, yeah, lovely.
08:30Blimey, has the price gone up since you served me?
08:33Thanks very much.
08:34Cheers.
08:34Say, who are you, stranger?
08:38Gould, you've got some ugly-looking women here, haven't you?
08:41Well, I'm the new preacher, as a matter of fact.
08:43Where are you from, partner?
08:45Partner?
08:46We're not married, are we?
08:48I'd have remembered you.
08:50I'd have remembered that tongue, anyway.
08:53No, I'm from a one-horse town.
08:55Why did you leave?
08:56Somebody shot the horse.
08:57That finished my fun on a Friday night.
08:59No, what the old-timer means is what brings you to Tombstone.
09:03Tombstone?
09:03Oh, that's a depressing name for a place, isn't it?
09:06What's the next town along called, then?
09:07Bleeding Miseryville.
09:09Here, let's have a game of cards.
09:10Yeah, but you're a preacher, man!
09:12Yeah, and you're overacting.
09:13That doesn't stop us playing cards, does it?
09:17There's a little special shuffle here.
09:18Here we go.
09:20All right.
09:21You want to see it again?
09:22Here we go.
09:25These cards are marked.
09:26Well, of course, they're marked.
09:27That's how you play the game.
09:28Look, there's a seven of hearts.
09:29There's a three of hearts.
09:30You wouldn't be able to play if it was all blank, would you?
09:32I reckon the old-timers should deal.
09:34Yeah, go on, then.
09:35Ready?
09:36One for you, and one for you, and one for me.
09:38One for you, and one for you, and one for me.
09:40Here.
09:41Twist.
09:42Talk about building up your part, blimey.
09:44Bust.
09:46Twist.
09:47Twist.
09:49Twist.
09:50Twist.
09:52Twist.
09:53There we are, 108.
09:5721.
09:59Sorry, sandwich.
10:01Wait a minute.
10:02This here's fool's gold.
10:04Yeah, that's why you've got it.
10:05Right.
10:07Let's have another beer up here.
10:11Oh, I can't wait all night for this.
10:13I'll use me magnet.
10:13Here we go.
10:15I'll be.
10:15Cheers.
10:20What brings you to town, preacher man?
10:23Oh, I'm here on a cat drive.
10:24What do you mean?
10:25Cattle drive?
10:26No, no.
10:27I've got a thousand head of tabby outside.
10:30It's a hell of a job branding them.
10:31You've got to lift the tail and mark their owner's name with a red-hot iron.
10:35Luckily, his name's O'Leary, so that saves a letter.
10:37Do you know what I mean?
10:38I don't know what I mean.
10:39I don't know what you mean.
10:40Listen, stranger.
10:43This town ain't big enough for two breaches.
10:49You carry a Bible.
10:51You've got to be prepared to use it.
10:53Now you do.
11:13Right, now I'm really angry.
11:33I'll give him a net egg in the morning.
11:34That was 60% proof.
11:37It's all right.
11:38Yeah, I'm throwing it.
11:38Get your hands.
11:49Good morning, sir.
11:52I've had a tip-off that those toffees have been stolen.
11:55Of course they haven't been stolen.
11:56There they are there, look.
11:57Do you see?
11:59Right.
12:00Well, thanks for clearing that one up.
12:01That's all right.
12:02Sorry to have tumbled you.
12:03Always a pleasure to help the police.
12:06Newspaper, please.
12:07There we are.
12:08What's this?
12:1022nd of October, 1954.
12:12That's right.
12:12Today's newspaper.
12:13This is 40 years out of date.
12:15Oh, I see what's happened.
12:17You've fallen asleep in your armchair and you're having a dream.
12:19Your dream and it's the 1990s.
12:21It doesn't feel like a dream to me.
12:23Well, I can show you.
12:24Is this the sort of thing that happens in real life?
12:32Could be a dream, I suppose.
12:33You're still not convinced?
12:34Not really.
12:35Hmm, how about this?
12:40Oh, you're right.
12:40This is the same dream that I have every night.
12:42Any moment now.
12:43Excuse me, can I have a bag of toffees, please?
12:46Oh, it's got to be a dream.
12:47No, no, no.
12:47He's a regular customer.
12:49Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you both, but actually this is my dream.
12:52At this very moment, I'm having a nap on the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.
12:56How do we know it's your dream?
12:57I don't like toffees.
13:07Well, she's a bit of all right, isn't she?
13:12Right.
13:13Tomorrow morning at half past ten, we are going to rob Barclays Bank in the High Street.
13:20Now, two minutes before half past ten, I want you, Terry, to park the getaway car here
13:24on the corner of Anscott Road.
13:26Yeah, but that's a double yellow line.
13:28Don't worry about that.
13:29We'll only be in the bank for a couple of minutes.
13:30You say half past ten?
13:31Yeah.
13:31It's a traffic warden.
13:32Yeah.
13:33As it's breakfast in that snack bar there.
13:35Every morning at half past ten.
13:37We'll park there, he'll nick you.
13:39All right, we'll park on this bit of waste ground here, look.
13:41No, you can't do that.
13:42They're building a new Tesco's there.
13:46I must say, it's about time.
13:48If I want to do any shopping, I've got to go all the way up to the arcade here, look.
13:52If we can't park there, and we can't park there, where are we going to park?
13:56No, I'll tell you what we'll do.
13:57We'll have to make sure that traffic warden doesn't have his breakfast at half past ten.
14:01Well, how are we going to do that?
14:02We'll knobble him.
14:03He lives in Pollen Lane, down here.
14:08See what?
14:09Number 27.
14:10How does he afford a place like that on traffic warden's money?
14:13I don't know.
14:13His grass needs a cut in none.
14:16Well, never mind that.
14:17What are we going to do about this traffic warden?
14:19Well, I suppose you pour a load of concrete down his front path, yeah.
14:22Here, use this porridge.
14:26Comes out of his house in the morning, walks down his front path.
14:31Look, he's covered in concrete.
14:34That slows him down.
14:35Oh, no.
14:37What's that on my feet?
14:38I don't know.
14:39It's very heavy, though.
14:40I'm starving.
14:41Here I am.
14:42By the time he gets to the snack bar, it's half past eleven.
14:45Oh, no.
14:46He'll just go through the car wash here.
14:48Look.
14:52What you want to do is keep him awake all night so he can't get up in the morning.
14:55How are you going to do that?
14:56Here's his house here, right?
15:00He sleeps up in the front bedroom.
15:02You break through the side window into his living room and you put a record on a stereo.
15:09Walk in the black forest.
15:18And then you're right behind the sofa.
15:20He wakes up.
15:22Blimey.
15:22What's all that racket?
15:25Comes downstairs.
15:28Turns the stereo off.
15:30How'd you keep that up all night?
15:32No, that wouldn't work.
15:34You had the builders in last year.
15:36Here we go.
15:40He's let the downstairs out to these people that have all night pies.
15:44He's been upstairs with cotton wool in his ear so nothing will wake him up.
15:48I've got an idea.
15:50We'll keep him awake by shining a light through his bedroom window.
15:53How are you going to do that?
15:54Well, you set up a huge reflector here to pick up the beam from the lighthouse over here.
16:05He might not see that light coming through his bedroom window.
16:08Of course he will.
16:09Look, here's his head, right?
16:11The light comes into his eye, through the corner, through his retina,
16:15is converted into electrical impulses which travel along the optic nerves
16:19into the visual cortex in the back of the brain here.
16:22So he can't get to sleep.
16:24Blimey, you think of everything.
16:26Right, that solves the problem of how we're going to park that car
16:29on the double yellow lines at half past ten.
16:31And this time tomorrow morning, we shall be very rich men indeed.
16:37Well, that's got to be one of the smoothest bank jobs we've ever pulled.
16:41Now for the share out.
16:43One for you.
16:46One for me.
17:07Excuse me, I'm a witness in the Fabrizzi case.
17:09If you'd just like to take a seat, please, sir.
17:16Can I borrow your teeth?
17:19My teeth?
17:20Yeah, it's just that you've got a nice smile, you see,
17:21and I want to make a good impression on the jury.
17:24Well, I'm sure you will, anyway.
17:26You witness for the defence?
17:27No.
17:28You witness for the prosecution?
17:30Yes.
17:31I guessed right, then.
17:32I can sum people up like that, you know.
17:34I should have been a judge.
17:36Really?
17:36Mm.
17:37I've got the wig and the little hammer at home.
17:40Have you?
17:41I've got them off my brother-in-law.
17:42He's a bald auctioneer.
17:46Uh-huh.
17:49Witness for the prosecution, eh?
17:50You've got guts.
17:52Guts?
17:52I wouldn't like to give evidence against Frank Mad Dog Fabrizzi.
17:57Mad Dog?
17:58Yeah.
17:58He's Yorkshire Terrier out to see a psychiatrist.
18:03He thought he was Frank Sinatra.
18:06How could a dog end up thinking that?
18:08No, no, the psychiatrist thought he was Frank Sinatra.
18:11So he had to see another psychiatrist, and he thought he was Frank Sinatra.
18:14That's bad luck.
18:15Two psychiatrists thinking they're Frank Sinatra.
18:17No, no, no.
18:18The first psychiatrist...
18:20Right.
18:21The first psychiatrist thought he was Frank Sinatra,
18:23and the second psychiatrist thought that he was also Frank Sinatra.
18:27And, oh, I can't be bothered with this.
18:30Look, here's a summary of the entire anecdote.
18:32All right, you can read it later.
18:33It's you.
18:37I once gave evidence against Big Jack Sledgehammer McCoy.
18:41What happened?
18:42He smashed every bone in me body.
18:45Apart from the small bone in me little toe.
18:47Why didn't he smash that one?
18:49He ate it.
18:50The police had to give me a whole new identity.
18:53I used to be Scylla Black.
18:58Are you all right, Chuck?
19:00Are you all right?
19:03We go lower, lower prices, Chuck.
19:07Yes.
19:10I can see the resemblance now.
19:13Of course, these days I get called as an expert witness, you know.
19:16Oh, really?
19:17And pray, what is your particular area of expertise?
19:20Well, I can read a man's character by the patterns on his jumper.
19:23Can you?
19:24See that bloke over there?
19:26Cable-knit sweater.
19:27One sleeve slightly longer than the other.
19:29I reckon he's an axe murderer.
19:32Mr Cameron, please.
19:34Yeah.
19:37Well, he looked perfectly normal to me.
19:39Well, appearances can be deceptive.
19:48There's always someone worse off than yourself, isn't there?
19:52You're right, Chuck.
19:55Of course, it's Rudolf Hess I feel sorry for.
19:59Fancy having to spend all those years trapped inside Spandau Ballet.
20:08Forced to play keyboards against his will.
20:11During the Second World War, my uncle worked for the Ministry of Defence.
20:15He was a backroom boffin.
20:17After a couple of years, they promoted him.
20:19They made him a frontroom boffin.
20:21It was only up the corridor, but it meant a lot to him, you know.
20:24His particular expertise lay in the area of camouflage.
20:28And in 1942, he carried out a series of experiments at a top-secret location.
20:37He took the whole concept of camouflage into a completely new direction.
20:57His ideas were soon taken up by the army.
21:10And then, for the Royal Navy, he camouflaged the battleship.
21:24He was Gippel's command of the ship, because he was the only one who knew where all the controls were
21:28given.
21:31Half ahead, both engines.
21:32Half ahead, both engines.
21:39Any sign of the convoy, number one?
21:45Nothing to report, sir?
21:47Steer 190.
21:49190, sir.
21:52Are you not going to be much longer?
21:54I've got the washing up to do.
21:55Madam, may I remind you, we outwar with Germany.
21:58Oh, well, I can't hold that.
21:59I've got to get the dinner on.
22:04He then joined the RAF, where he developed a new camouflage for aeroplanes
22:08which were painted to blend in perfectly with their surroundings.
22:17Well, Professor, good luck with the test flight.
22:21Thank you, sir.
22:23Chocks away.
22:49Just look at the way he's handling that plane.
22:55In fact, his war work was so successful that Churchill himself awarded him
22:59with a special medal, heavily camouflaged as a punch in the face.
23:04LAUGHTER
23:05LAUGHTER
23:05LAUGHTER
23:07LAUGHTER
23:07Let's go.
23:39Let's go.