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00:00The heads tonight, teenage boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly,
00:06Hesseltine fading fast, and headmaster suspended for using big face child as satellite dish.
00:14This is the news.
00:43This is the news.
00:47Coming up, why can't I be king, bleeds Patton.
00:51What is unreasonable about that proposal?
00:55And Mad Lord says it's not too late for Freddie Mercury.
00:58I'd recommend she went to her local benefits agency office,
01:03sought advice there, and I'm sure she'd find, as likely as not,
01:06by getting hold of family credit, she might find herself considerably better off.
01:14News.
01:15London transports say they may have to close the underground system due to an infestation of horses.
01:21A report described the conditions in the equine plague as like an abattoir in a power cut.
01:26Ted Moore reports.
01:28For years, the system of tunnels and shafts has harbored a small population of wild horses
01:33without bothering the commuters.
01:35The only pest control necessary was performed by the teams of fluffers,
01:40who to this day remove clots of hair from the tracks.
01:43See the hair.
01:43Then in 1970 came the crackers, special staff who had to patrol the darkened tunnels every day
01:50and kill the horses with hammers.
01:53But now say officials the horses have become a menace.
01:56Due to a large pile of horses blocking the line of the marble arch,
02:00all services have been cancelled.
02:02Many of the drivers are heavily traumatised.
02:05Only one today could describe the conditions.
02:09Loads of horses, at least 30 I'd say.
02:12As a train approaches, they start running away from the train.
02:16Stampede in the opposite direction.
02:18And what the drivers say they fear most of all
02:21is a head-on collision with a blind tube mare.
02:25Well, it's an instant death.
02:27It comes straight through the cab window, crushes you to death.
02:30Personally, I think the management should round them up.
02:33Get rid of them.
02:35And in a statement issued just ten minutes ago,
02:38the Home Secretary announced that he personally will be going into the tunnels this weekend,
02:42armed with a special gun.
02:45The Day Today.
02:46News from telly to belly.
02:50Now from the Day-to-Day travel tower, a mile above the centre of Great Britain,
02:54here's Valerie Sinatra.
02:55Valerie, how's it all looking?
02:57Nice?
02:58Well, a bucket load of mixed blessings for you down on the ground, Chris.
03:02Let's take a look, first of all, at the M18.
03:04That's starting to clear now after that quiet stretch of the A49
03:08was brought down from Stirling earlier on, so that's very good news.
03:12The M11, on the other hand, is still very busy indeed.
03:15It's nose to tail, coaches, cars, pedestrians.
03:18And in fact, if you take a close look,
03:19you might just be able to make out a piece of pie down there on the road.
03:22That's not going to be helping anyone at all.
03:25You'll have heard earlier on on the news about the motorway pile-up this afternoon.
03:29The M6, the M58, the M61 and the M56 all collided,
03:33so safer to avoid that altogether.
03:35Good news, however, on the A12.
03:37Those earlier congestions have now cleared,
03:40so you should have no problems at all if you want to go there and bathe a child.
03:44Finally, a warning to speeding motorists.
03:46Police marksmen have now been stationed on all major roads in and out of London.
03:51That means anybody caught speeding can be shot in the chin,
03:54so best to avoid that too.
03:56Back to you, Chris.
03:57Thanks, Riley. That was great.
03:59Thanks a lot. Take care.
04:00You take care too, all right? See you tomorrow?
04:02I will. I hope so, yeah.
04:03Okay, thanks.
04:04Take care. Ciao, Chris. Bye.
04:20All right.
04:26Hi, Alex.
04:28Oh, hi, Maria.
04:30Didn't see you there.
04:31I just popped in to see how you were.
04:34Don't talk a minute. We'll discuss it later.
04:36Yeah, well, that's simply just fine.
04:38It's a nice colour you've got on your hair range.
04:40What is it? Chilli hot pepper?
04:41No, just a bit of hella.
04:44You've got a problem?
04:44Look.
04:46You bloody child!
04:49They'll be here!
04:50They'll be here!
04:50They'll be here!
04:50They'll be here!
04:51Take your hands off me!
04:52They'll be here!
04:52They'll be here!
04:53They'll be here!
04:53Oh, thank you!
04:54Oh, hey!
04:54What's going on here?
04:57This is supposed to be a high-class bureau de change.
05:00Not some two-bit punch-and-duty show down on the seafront at Margate.
05:05It's all right, Mr. Hennity. It's okay now. Just a little misunder...
05:08Shut it!
05:09Why?
05:11Because...
05:11Because I'm gay? Is that it?
05:14Go on.
05:16Say it.
05:17You're a borrowed time, sunshine.
05:19And as for you...
05:21You can pack your bags.
05:24You're out!
05:39Alan. Sport.
05:41Thanks, Chris. Well, there was a very amusing incident on the...
05:44Sorry, Alan. I'm going to have to interrupt you there. We've just heard news of a dramatic
05:47incident. The Queen and John Major have had a fight. It's believed to have happened during
05:52the Prime Minister's weekly meeting at Buckingham Palace. On the big screen now is our correspondent,
05:57Jennifer Gumpets.
05:58The Prime Minister's weekly meeting normally lasts an hour, but today he was seen to leave
06:03hurriedly after just 17 minutes. It's clear that a strong disagreement took place, a disagreement
06:10which may have involved physical violence. Some palace staff said they heard loud swearing
06:15voices and the sound of bodies falling against furniture. One said he saw Mr Major emerge with
06:21the red mark across his face and bleeding legs. Seconds after the Prime Minister's departure,
06:26the Queen's doctor arrived at speed and ran inside. Neither the palace nor Downing Street
06:31have issued an official statement so far.
06:34And a few moments ago, we received this amateur video footage, which seems to show that the
06:39Queen and John Major were involved in some kind of drubbing incident.
06:49And as a result of that broadcast, the crisis has deepened dramatically. I'm joined by our
06:54crisis correspondent, Spartacus Mills. Spartacus, this is huge history happening, isn't it?
06:58It's bigger than that, Chris. It's large. I mean, if you've got a history book at home,
07:01don't take it out, throw it in the bin. It's worthless. The history books now will have to
07:05be rewritten. What will they say? They'll quite simply say, John Major punched the Queen.
07:09Everything else will be a footnote. I'll push for time. Can you sum it up in a word? No.
07:12A sound? Spartacus, thank you.
07:19Alan, sport. Thanks, Chris. Well, as I said, it really was... Shut it, Alan. I want you to stop.
07:25All programs have now been suspended on all channels to allow the broadcast of this film
07:30held in reserve for times of crisis. Britain is a nation built on the very scowling face
07:37of adversity, its dauntless spirit unbowed by any crisis. This is Britain at its best.
07:47East team whatsoever, the matter of every stature, its dauntless spirit, its dauntless spirit,
07:53it's a cause of its is a cause of itsChat. practise move.
09:00This is Britain, and in this glittering sea, this perfect fusion of man and mineral, we know that conflict will
09:10always perish in the Brotherhood of Flags.
09:13This is Britain, and everything's all right. Everything's all right. It's okay. It's fine.
09:33During that film, we've been watching number 10. There isn't much going on there at the moment, but both sides
09:38have now agreed a solution to the crisis, which will involve the Queen processing to number 10 and returning several
09:44punches to Mr Major's face.
09:46That won't happen for a while now, so let's take the business.
09:49Calataly sisters, how many number 10s are there in your report?
09:53Thanks, Chris.
09:55There was a big smell of fear in the city today when leisure conglomerate Bottington Fiasco fell 10% of
10:00it, leaving the cup open for a hammer bid from Silica Fistfruit at 12.
10:04There were no dollars today. I'm Calataly sisters.
10:07On to the money markets. Quick look at the currency kidney. There's a lot of pressure there on the Bundeswessel,
10:13leading to a slight inflammation in the exchange tract, causing a negative flow of waste pounds across all international membranes.
10:19So in summary then, seven's a bit younger. Chris.
10:23Later tonight on BBC Two, another probing interview in the dentist chair. This week's guest is Richard Branson.
10:30That's nice and wide, love it. You know, you're in the public eye quite a lot, but at home, what
10:35are you, a private? Would you prefer being a public person?
10:40Yeah?
10:42Home. Home.
10:44Well, Richard Branson, thanks very much for coming in the dentist chair. I'll just clean you up now, okay?
10:50And then at half past eight, John Fashanu, John Fashanu, John Fashanu, John Fashanu, John Fashanu.
11:05That's John Fashanu tonight on BBC Two.
11:11Coming up, the Queen marches on Downing Street. There she is in a cart, and whatever next in the bureau.
11:18The soap opera that's got them all in a lava.
11:23Oh my God! Ange!
11:26Pills! Someone call an ambulance!
11:28Don't bother! She's dead!
11:29There's a note. For you.
11:35It's Hennity's fault.
11:40Look, I never thought I'd say this, right, but...
11:42Pull down the blinds.
11:45I'm closing the bureau for an hour.
11:51A large build-up of air traffic over London has tonight jammed solid in the sky.
11:57Thousands of aircraft have ground to a halt in mid-air and may soon start falling like massive buses.
12:03The air jam started around two o'clock this afternoon, bringing chaos to Heathrow and Gatwick, both airports, today.
12:10In an air jam, there's a 3D gridlock in the air and no way out. The planes just slow down
12:15and stop.
12:17It's been known for years that air jam could happen, but no emergency measures were ever made.
12:22The last-minute efforts of Transport Secretary John McGregor this afternoon did little to help.
12:28The irony is that while these people lie around like the dead, those in the air will actually die and
12:35end up like the ratatouille these people ate at the canteens which are responding to strong demand at the moment
12:41here.
12:42Time now for our resident humorist Brandt, the physical cartoonist from the Daily Telegraph, to roast the hell out of
12:48everybody with his pomposity pistol.
12:49Mr. Brandt, do something that will make them, and I mean any politician watching this, feel really ashamed.
12:55Thanks, Chris. This week, Bill Clinton has shown that, like Icarus, he can't stand the political heat.
13:03Oh!
13:05Oh!
13:10America now, and this report.
13:13Milwaukee's state penitentiary, and on death row, it's wedding bells, not execution, yells, as condemned strangler Chapman Baxter prepares to
13:20tie the knot with female felon Charlene Gray.
13:24Can't hear me.
13:25Baxter goes to the electric chair tomorrow, but not before he wets Charlene, a convicted arsonist who set his heart
13:31on fire.
13:32I ain't never loved nobody, nobody never loved me.
13:35When I met Charlene, it was like a boat from the blue, and just fell in love, and just figured,
13:40why, hell not, why, why, why shouldn't I get married?
13:43Just like a real regular person.
13:45I'm gonna go no older, I'm just gonna get up there on this kind of double electric chair, and then
13:51I put the ring on Charlene's finger, that connects the circuit, and then when we kiss, it completes the circuit,
13:57and then he knows what's gonna happen.
14:00Meanwhile, Baxter's fried-to-be is busy with last-minute preparations for her impending ending.
14:06Did you ever kill anyone?
14:07Ollie, my dog.
14:09The preparations for the connubial killing will start at 11 a.m., when Charlene Gray will walk down the aisle
14:14and straight into a sit-down reception.
14:17There's even a wedding cake for this wedding wake, but for presiding minister Alvin Holler, it's the bride, not the
14:22cake, who'll end up with the most tears.
14:25Uh-uh, so, why she won't go do a goddamn thing like that for?
14:28Did you try to counsel the bride?
14:31Yes, ma'am.
14:32She's sure pretty.
14:34But not for long.
14:36No, ma'am.
14:37She's gonna die like a dog.
14:40It's the morning of the nuptacution, and everything's ready to give these newly deads a sizzling send-off.
15:01Place the ring on her finger.
15:05And now, for that, you man and wife, you may kiss your bride.
15:09Clear the area!
15:11So, as Chapman Maxter leaves his bride jolted at the altar, looks like this is one wedding where we all
15:16get to toast the happy couple.
15:18Barbara Winogreen, CBN News, Milwaukee State Penitentiary.
15:24Time now for the weather with Sylvester Stewart.
15:27Starting in the southeast, where it should be dull and drizzly in the morning, a bit like waking up next
15:31to a corpse.
15:32In Wales, it should start off nice, but bits of unpleasant old weather should drift back by the afternoon and
15:37the rain will bitch down.
15:39Things should improve in the northeast and the southwest, which should collide towards mid-afternoon,
15:43and there'll be loud thunderstorms later in the evening, about the volume of a Thin Lizzy concert.
15:48In summary, then, ah!
15:51And that's all the weather.
15:54Wise words there from Sylvester Stewart.
15:56Time now for sport with Alan Partridge.
15:57Alan, you're a bit of a word man, aren't you?
15:59I certainly am, like words.
16:01Where would we be without them?
16:03Help me when you're having a chat.
16:04Yeah, do you feel them as they come out?
16:06Yeah, certainly do.
16:07What do they feel like, then?
16:10Yeah.
16:11Something like that.
16:12Do long words feel different from short ones?
16:14Yeah, yeah.
16:15What about significant words?
16:16What do they feel like?
16:18Alan.
16:19What?
16:19What do significant words feel like as they come out?
16:23Do they feel different?
16:25Yes, yes.
16:27I'm Alan Partridge.
16:28Buttress is a significant word, isn't it?
16:29Yeah.
16:30This is Sports Desk.
16:32Football.
16:33The Liverpool versus Tanners match ended last night with defeat for the Tanners.
16:37I visited their dressing room.
16:39The atmosphere here hangs heavy, like a big smell.
16:42The smell of men together.
16:44The smell of cat's musk.
16:46Bob Marino, you missed the penalty.
16:48Why?
16:48Yeah, Alan.
16:49It was a bad one.
16:50It took the top of my boots.
16:52It was all over in an instant.
16:53You look really stupid.
16:55Yeah, yeah.
16:56It wasn't a good performance.
16:57I'm going to try and take a shower now.
16:58Right.
16:59Take on to the rest of the season.
17:00Thank you very much.
17:02Are you going to wash away the stain of defeat?
17:05Yeah.
17:06Get clean now and look on to the next.
17:08Start again for the rest of the season.
17:10Yeah, but when you go home with your...
17:12When you go home and you get to bed with your wife tonight,
17:15you watch the Olauvae, you're going to sleep with her.
17:18She sees a stain on your body and she says,
17:20Bob, remove the stain.
17:21Will you remove it?
17:22I'm sorry, I don't want to keep my money.
17:25You've got a girlfriend, though.
17:29On to show jumping and I managed to catch up
17:32with the Australian dazzler Katrina Parfitt
17:34after this morning's big horse event.
17:38Katrina, quick word, let me say,
17:41you look fantastic on a horse.
17:43Thank you very much.
17:44You're like the Lone Ranger on Tonto.
17:47How do you feel?
17:49Well, I feel disappointed.
17:49I didn't quite make it this time,
17:51but, you know, that's the way it goes.
17:53I was personally gutted
17:54because I love those little touches you had,
17:57the way you turn, smile at the judge,
17:59a little wave, a little wink.
18:00He doesn't go on looks and smiles.
18:02He goes on a lot of skill and discipline now.
18:03I'm sure he does, but let me tell you,
18:05if I'd have been a judge,
18:06I would have been a complete mess.
18:08Right.
18:09What about the horse?
18:11How's that handling?
18:12Well, Sedansic wasn't doing too well.
18:14He shied away from the water jump
18:16and that's when I really began to lose it.
18:17Yeah, well, let me tell you,
18:18if you have any more problems with him,
18:20you can ride me around the paddock.
18:23Anyway, I think that next year,
18:26I'll have better luck.
18:29When, when you, when you,
18:31how do you ride a horse?
18:33How do I ride?
18:34How do you ride a horse?
18:35Well, I've been riding since the age of about five.
18:38I don't think it's anything you can learn.
18:39I think it's something that's in the blood.
18:43Sedansic.
18:45He's my horse, yeah.
18:47And I shall be back next year
18:48and I shall win on him.
18:49You tell him.
18:55Very much.
19:00Katrina Parfit, a lady.
19:04A fact, alone and tumbling through infospace.
19:10Without help, it could vanish forever.
19:13Because only this can make it a news.
19:17Here with comments on some of the stuff we've just seen,
19:19our resident reactor, Jacques-Jacques Livereau,
19:22who's been commenting on everything
19:23since the start of the programme.
19:24He just sort of gets on with it as he go along.
19:27Let's dip into him now.
19:29If we could see politics,
19:32what would it look like?
19:35A cube.
19:36But with all its corners on the inside.
19:41Back now to the constitutional crisis.
19:44The Queen processes to Downing Street today
19:46to punch John Major back in the face.
19:48Huge crowds are gathering there already.
19:51Our reporter, down among it all,
19:52Jonathan Sizz.
19:55Thank you very much.
19:56It really is a magnificent potato of a day here today.
19:59This, of course, the route that Princess Anne will be taking.
20:02She is the Queen's second.
20:03The Queen herself will be going down the mile
20:05through Admiralty Arch around Trafalgar Square
20:07and then on down Whitehall itself to number 10.
20:11I've been meeting some of the people here
20:13who've been getting terribly excited
20:14over the last 24 hours.
20:15It's nice to see the Queen bouncing back today, wasn't it?
20:18Indeed it was.
20:19Good quality bounce?
20:20Most certainly.
20:21And do you think the Prime Minister's going to lose today?
20:25I couldn't honestly say.
20:27It's going to be a close one, isn't it?
20:29But is it quite right that the Queen should end up on top?
20:33Yes, certainly.
20:33If you were right there able to administer on-the-spot justice
20:36to somebody who had punched the monarch in the face,
20:39what would you do to them if you were right there
20:40standing next to them, bang, and so on?
20:44Well, I would immediately smother the person, whoever it was,
20:48if anybody attempted to assault the Sovereign.
20:52If you'd been there on the day,
20:54you would have smothered the man-major with your own clothing?
20:57Yes.
20:58Or anything else that came to hand?
21:00Cloths?
21:00Yes.
21:02Blankets?
21:02Yes.
21:03Even a handkerchief?
21:04Yeah.
21:06And what would you have said to him as you smothered him?
21:09No, I wouldn't have said anything at all.
21:11No words, just physical action?
21:13Physical action, that's all it's called for.
21:15Flatten the bugger.
21:16That's right.
21:17And we gather that whilst that was going on,
21:19the Queen took a secret tunnel straight into Number 10
21:22and may already be inside.
21:24This afternoon, opposition MPs turned up to weaken the Prime Minister.
21:28That was part of the deal too.
21:29And throughout the day, he'd received a stream of colleagues to use as sparring partners and tactical pain advisers,
21:36including Kenneth Clark, Michael Howard, Christopher Biggins, and Michael Hesseltine.
21:43Mr. Major then received strength from supporters and well-wishers, including pop star George Michael.
21:50And our cameras have been rolling all the time.
21:52I'm told if we turn the sound up, it is possible to hear Her Majesty's arrival and the solemn punching
21:58up.
22:07And to commemorate the end of the crisis,
22:10the post office has released a special stamp featuring the Queen and John Major kissing.
22:14If democracy is a bra, then the monarchy are breasts.
22:20And we cannot imagine a society without breasts.
22:26Elah.
22:27And it's difficult not to feel humbled or even ashamed after that.
22:38We're looking today at soul reversal.
22:39Is that a good or a bad thing?
22:42A good thing.
22:42Would you like to see it happening more often?
22:44Yes, I think so, yeah.
22:46If you...
22:47Is it the sort of thing that you can feel, or does it happen slowly?
22:51Slowly?
22:52Yeah, slowly.
22:53Definitely slowly.
22:54Can you feel it beginning to happen or no?
22:56Yes.
22:56You can, and what's the sensation like as you experience soul reversal yourself?
23:02Not very nice.
23:03Would you like to see soul reversal more in crowded areas, like football matches, or...?
23:08Quiet areas, like churches, churches, churches.
23:11No, football matches.
23:12Bit of soul reversal, a football match from the players as well?
23:15Yeah, certainly from the players, yeah.
23:17By what sort of degree would you like to see the soul reversed?
23:19How much?
23:21All the way, I think.
23:23Well, let's look at it like this.
23:25Could you hold the microphone for me a second, and I'll just show you.
23:27Yeah.
23:27If we're taking a standard soul in, like that, and something to reverse it on, like this,
23:36with 90, 180, 270, or 360, how much would you like to see it reversed by?
23:44Half.
23:45Like this?
23:46I think about half.
23:47Yeah.
23:47So you'd like to see that as the ideal soul reversal for a football match?
23:51Definitely.
23:52Yeah.
23:52The Day Today
23:55Approaches the Buffet with an extremely broad plate.
23:59And more from the day-to-day special Germ in the Pipe documentary on life at St. Lamb's
24:05Swimming Pool in Acton.
24:24I'm a pool supervisor, the night supervisor.
24:27I basically watch the monitors at night to see if anything occurs.
24:33There was one incident, I remember it quite clearly, I was filling in a puzzle, and I heard the noise,
24:41it was a commotion up in the rafters.
24:43And, er, somehow, we'd never know even to this day, a pigeon had got in, it was flapping around in
24:50the rafters, they called the bird specialist, they, they removed it in the morning.
24:56I'm really sorry this has occurred, erm, if you'd like to talk to Vicky afterwards, we welcome you having a
25:06few free, free swims at the pool at our expense, because it's very unfortunate, so please do talk to Vicky.
25:11I mean, I think, I think it's far access to the health and something like that.
25:14Don't be, you'll get an early bird swim, all right?
25:18just shut it just shut it right just cut it out now cut it out now i'm never tempted to
25:26use the pool myself at night um although some time ago i used to go down and take showers
25:34um and uh on one occasion i went down and to the pool and uh found a woman's swimming costume
25:42which i put on and uh paraded around uh singing uh singing a song joan bias protest song this is
25:51procedural inaccuracy what are we supposed to do when there's a roach in the pool
25:56what are we supposed to shout say mr linus is in the pool what did you shout oh my god
26:00there's a
26:00cockerel i mean it's this is indicative of what's been going on all along it's not funny it's not
26:07funny actually this pool's been open nearly 40 years and in all that time i only slipped up once
26:17to my mind i was engaged in a particularly tricky uh word puzzle um and 40 people had broken in
26:27were in
26:28the pool playing playing around sort of ducking bombing doing all manner of prohibited activities
26:36and uh eventually someone was killed but given that your sole responsibility is to maintain the
26:46security of the pool isn't that an indictment against yourself well i i would say this i've
26:54been working for eighteen years in 1975 no one died in 1976 no one died in 1977 no one died
27:04in 1978
27:06no one died in 1979 no one died in 1980 someone died in 1981 no one died in 1982 there
27:21was the incident
27:22with a pigeon in 1983 no one died in 1984 no one died in 1985 no one died in 1986
27:35i mean i could go on
27:36no right ultra news
27:43just time for a quick look at tomorrow's headlines today you could blow notes across the holes in his
27:48head says sinatra doc the herald tribune go with boiled dog could do maths claims experimenter the
27:54european elastic song strangles hucknell the daily telegraph and other broadsheets feature tabs here
28:01down the side for ease of turning the pages and the independent go with portillo's face felt like guts
28:07says girl that's it just to let you know that police are still looking for the actor burt reynolds
28:12after he stole a dodgem and drove it out of a fairground in islington the 59 year old american eluded
28:17capture
28:18after a low-speed car chase and was last seen heading north on the m11 near saffron walden that's it
28:23good night
28:28so
28:39so
28:48so
28:51so
28:53so
28:54so
28:55so
28:58so