- 20 hours ago
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00:00I don't know.
00:45Sorry, I'm too lazy to open them.
00:48I'd like some legal advice, please.
00:50Right, don't commit any murders,
00:52don't park on a double yellow line,
00:54and the police are the ones in a funny hat.
00:56No, it's my next-door neighbour's pear tree.
00:59It overhangs my garden.
01:01Oh, well, move his pear tree.
01:02I can't do that.
01:04Oh, well, move your garden, then.
01:06All you need is a couple of bin liners and a spade.
01:09Where would I put it?
01:10Put it in your pocket.
01:12You could grow a rose tree in your slacks.
01:15Yes, I suppose I could.
01:16Or train some ivy up your left-hand side.
01:18Thank you very much.
01:19It's a pleasure.
01:22She'll have a green fly by the end of the week.
01:25When I was 17,
01:27I got bitten by a radioactive tortoise.
01:31And I immediately developed these...
01:33I did.
01:33I'd immediately developed these superhuman powers.
01:36So I thought, um,
01:37well, I suppose I'd better fight evil then.
01:43And soon criminals trembled
01:45whenever they heard the name Tortoise Man, right?
01:48As soon as a crime was committed
01:50within a five-mile radius,
01:52I would immediately spring into action.
01:54I would develop a very hard shell on my back
01:57and walk very slowly towards a lettuce leaf.
02:02Enough to frighten anybody.
02:05If I had some arch enemies, I can tell you.
02:07Decorator Man, he was the worst.
02:09He was an evil genius
02:11who had the uncanny ability
02:13to transform himself
02:14into a roll of ready-pasted vinyl wallpaper.
02:18What he'd do is,
02:19he'd get himself pasted up
02:20into somebody's bathroom,
02:22sort of like that,
02:23and then in the middle of the night,
02:24he'd peel himself off
02:27and run down the street
02:28with a video recorder.
02:30And if anybody saw him,
02:31any eyewitnesses,
02:32they'd have to go down
02:33to the police station, you know,
02:34but instead of looking through
02:35a book of mug shots,
02:37they'd get one of those
02:38large books of wallpaper pads.
02:41So the other...
02:42Excuse me.
02:43Have you got a copy of Psychic News?
02:48You tell me.
03:14You tell me.
03:34You've been waiting long?
03:39No, I just arrived, actually.
03:41Didn't you see me come in?
03:42No, I thought I was your twin brother.
03:44No, I don't have a twin brother.
03:46The Pope's got a twin brother.
03:48Really?
03:49He's called Gary.
03:51He lives down on the Beethoven Housen estate.
03:55I don't think I know it.
03:56Yes, you do, yeah.
03:57It's just off Treble Cleft Terrace.
04:00Around the back of Semi-Quaver Street.
04:03Opposite the Nessum Dormer Community Centre.
04:07I dare say.
04:08Anyway, every Friday night,
04:09he dresses up as the Pope and goes down to karaoke club.
04:12He must be very popular.
04:14He is, yeah.
04:15Mind you, it's the real Pope I feel sorry for.
04:17Every time he leaves the Vatican,
04:18people expect him to sing Strangers in the Night.
04:22He does it and all.
04:23He's like, he's quite good.
04:25It must be a constant strain.
04:28Are you after planning permission?
04:29Yes, I want to build an extension onto my kitchen.
04:32So do I.
04:32But why should I want to build an extension on your kitchen?
04:34I've no idea.
04:39Last year, I applied to extend one of my bookshelves.
04:43You don't need planning permission for that.
04:45You do if you want to extend it to Gibraltar.
04:49Gibraltar?
04:49Yeah, I wanted to put every book that Barbara Cartland's ever written on one shelf.
04:55When I tried it, all the books fell off.
04:57Right under the Bay of Biscay.
04:58There was a book slick, 22 miles long.
05:03Seagulls covered in romantic fiction.
05:05It must have been a logistical nightmare.
05:08It was, yeah.
05:10Mind you, this planning permission, Lark, is a lottery.
05:13It's not who you are, it's who you know.
05:16Mind you, it's who you are as well,
05:17because if you're not the person you thought you were,
05:19then you wouldn't know the people that you thought you knew.
05:22That's how local government works.
05:24I suppose so, yeah.
05:27Well, mind you, there's sticklers for detail.
05:29Cool, cool.
05:30Cool, cool.
05:34Cool.
05:37Cool.
05:39Last year, I wanted to build an extension.
05:41I wanted to build...
05:45Last year, I wanted to build an extension off my bedroom
05:47and turn it into a garage.
05:48They said it was too dangerous.
05:50Why was that?
05:51I live halfway up a tower block.
05:52I could be far keep falling out.
05:54Mind you, I went ahead and build it anyway.
05:57Anyone else would have done the same.
05:58Mind you, that tower block's falling the bits.
06:01The only thing keeping it together is my letterbox.
06:03If that falls off, gourd help us.
06:05And it's loose now.
06:07Yes, well, I'm sure you're right, but I mean...
06:13I must have had a registered parcel.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:23LAUGHTER
06:44a very smart turn-up new wad thank you sir the whole staff have made a very special effort for
06:50tonight quite right after all it's a very great honor to have the king dining here this evening
06:54begging your pardon sir but is his majesty's handsome and his elegance they say he's he's a
06:59fine figure of a man emily his suave sophistication make him the most sought-after dinner guest in
07:04europe excuse me my lady the king's carriage has arrived places everyone his majesty king edward
07:13to seven that's where the party is then you're going bald mate not like me eh i've got a full
07:26head of hair
07:26haven't i yes good inside so i've got a full head of hair your majesty has a full head of
07:34hair because
07:35i've done many jokes about baldies tonight all right first one to do a slaphead gag ends up in the
07:39tower
07:40london now where's me dinner through here your majesty may i say how honored and lighted we are
07:46that you've chosen to dine here tonight who's this it's you your majesty that can't be me where's
07:53me full head of hair are you trying to make me look like a baldy well my hair goes more
08:00like this you
08:00see this is my hair look i'll show you like that see i've got a bit of a part in
08:06there oh that's my
08:07hair like that you see the resemblance now look it's quite striking yeah right well then well
08:14shall i sit here oh your majesty i believe lord mount drago has made a rather radical proposal for
08:20the solution of the sax poberg succession who told you to sit down you know the rules you only sit
08:27down
08:27when i say so i'm terribly sorry your majesty yeah well let's have less of it then all right you
08:32may sit
08:33down oh in 20 seconds no forget the 20 seconds make it 15 you may sit down your majesty yeah
08:46may i
08:46introduce lord and lady coatbridge yes you might
08:51go on then allow me to introduce lord and lady coatbridge well i've just said i've allowed you
08:58have a day it's lord and lady coatbridge blimey is that it you haven't said who i am yet i
09:06might be
09:07the muffin man for all day no your majesty needs no introduction may we congratulate your majesty on
09:14your recent accession to the throne crawler and may we convey our condolences on the tragic death of
09:23your late mother queen victoria well speaking personally i couldn't wait for her to fall off
09:27the twig it's been 40 years waiting to become king you know i thought she'd never go in the end
09:32i was
09:33putting roller skates at the top of the stairs i took a water skiing once she'll be much missed by
09:39us
09:39all not by me mate i love being king see this penny here that's me on there if you spin
09:46this coin it will
09:47always land head first do you know why because the head side is heavier because i've got a full head
09:52of
09:52hair look here how'd you become a lord oh my father was a lord it's an hereditary title well i'm
10:00not
10:00having that if i can make somebody a lord i can take it away again from now on you're not
10:04a lord
10:05nor you but there's always been a lord coatbridge oh in that case he can be lord coatbridge
10:11and your lady coatbridge oh thank you sir right i'm off you're not dining with us your majesty what
10:17eat dinner with you commoners not likely i'm gonna eat in the kitchen with lord and lady coatbridge
10:22grab the turkey will you you got any beer in
10:34of course one part of the law is insurance about a month ago there'd been a fire in a cardiff
10:40-based
10:40onion ring factory and the manager of course could i have a box of chocolates with soft centers please
10:45oh i'm sorry i've only got hard centers well give me a box of hard centers and a blow lamp
10:57she won't get five yards when i was at school i used to hate taking exams you know and then
11:03somebody
11:03gave me a really good piece of advice they said all you've got to do is just learn everything about
11:09the
11:09subject and then cheeks obviously my maths o level i had pythagoras's theorem tattooed on the inside of
11:19my eyelids i still got it there i'll show you the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum
11:27of the
11:27two squares on the opposite sides and you know what you can half pull the women with that
11:33they can't get enough of it they think they can but they can't they say i've seen enough
11:41and you do it again and they say frankly i was wrong
11:46now for another exam i had a two-way radio here disguised as a wasp right
11:55and so when i got the questions i sort of read the questions into the wasp and there's my mate
12:00outside in a van right and he sort of relays the answers back through the wasp and i you know
12:06i passed
12:07that exam with flying colors it was only later that i actually realized it was a real wasp
12:13i've left the two-way radio at home still it just goes to show how much a wasp knows about
12:18english
12:18literature if it had been a bumblebee i'd have been well stuffed for my history o level i wanted
12:26to copy the answers of the cleverest boy in the class but he was like sitting six rows in front
12:32of me so i thought well how am i going to do this because somehow in the examination hall i
12:35had to get
12:36up move over to where he was so write the answers down and get back about anybody noticing you know
12:43so i thought well the way to do it is to be sort of like rather nonchalant about it so
12:47i thought what i'll
12:47do is i'll pretend like i'm getting a bit of exercise you know so i just sort of stood up
12:52and
12:52just stretched like that and didn't just pretended to faint and sort of stumbled forward
12:59i'm sure i didn't walk like that i'd have remembered walking like that that's that's just
13:03a walk i do now i think i couldn't walk like that when i was 16. somebody would have mentioned
13:08it to me wouldn't they so i found myself next to this this bloke's desk there and so i wrote
13:13down
13:14the answers in the examination hall like that and then sort of like just sort of moved back
13:17i'm doing it backwards now move back to where i was you know and i thought well i can't keep
13:22this
13:22up because sooner or later somebody's gonna spot me then i suddenly remembered that in my back pocket
13:29i had a magic boomerang and if i threw it time stood still which is exactly what i needed to
13:36get
13:36backwards and forwards so i threw it and time stood still well it stood still for the examiner because it
13:43hit him on the back of the end he was unconscious for six weeks and finally and tragically when they
13:50eventually brought him round they found he had the iq of a grapefruit so they made him a pe teacher
14:17um excuse me i'd like this film developed oh right uh well i'll have it done by this afternoon
14:23then but your sign says photos developed while you wait yeah well you'll have to wait four hours
14:27then wouldn't you yeah well i'll wait all right please still
14:38i'll have to get that clock fixed it keeps doing that we still have to wait four hours
14:44about a month ago i decided to grow a tropical rainforest in my living room
14:51so i sort of soaked the carpet with water scattered a load of seeds over it and turned
14:55the central heating up and about a week later i went back in there and i had to use a
15:00machete
15:01to cut my way through to the television set you know isn't you uh yes yeah and
15:09and so i and i went to sit down i sat down in front of the television set when suddenly
15:14out of nowhere a puma grabbed the remote control and ran off with it so well i thought well i'll
15:22forget the television so i decided to follow the river upstream around the back of the set here you
15:27know as i walked alongside the meandering water the filtered sunlight illuminating the undergrowth
15:34through a canopy of green i remembered the words of rudyard kipling
15:38if the rainforests are the lungs of the planet what part of the body is birmingham city center
15:47then i heard the sound of singing from a nearby lagoon
15:51i was drawn towards it like frank boff towards a load of cocaine
15:59which is quite a lot obviously and then i saw her she was beautiful i was i was transfixed by
16:08you
16:08you know how it is don't you no no you're still here yes and i was transfixed by her she
16:13was beautiful
16:14she she showed me the tricks of the jungle she showed me how to make a canoe out of a
16:19rowing boat
16:21and she winked at me and i winked at her the square of the hypotenuse
16:25squares on the other two sides and she couldn't get enough either
16:36good afternoon i'm a hospital visitor oh good i don't get many visitors the only visitors i do
16:43get just sit there reading a newspaper excuse me oh sorry sorry um what's the matter with you then
16:53well actually i've got a rare disease really it's called garrett headley syndrome oh garrett headley
17:04syndrome oh i saw a documentary about that the other night oh really what was it called um hopeless
17:11cases that was it what oh no don't worry they found out something new about it the other day oh
17:16what
17:16was that it's incurable but the doctor said i'd be out of here in a week oh you probably will
17:22be
17:23won't be going home on the bus though do they provide an ambulance then yeah long black one
17:31do you fancy a toffee yeah so do i
17:37are you religious at all well actually i'm a seventh day adventist oh you'll be lucky to see six of
17:43them
17:45mind you they're still working on an antidote they're using white mice they reckon the doctors
17:50haven't had much luck so they might as well let the mice have a go and they'll have a job
17:54holding
17:54the test tubes still you'll know when the end arrives will i oh yeah your face turns green your
18:02tongue turns blue and you're screaming a bloody place down it's really horrible being stuck in the
18:07same room somebody's got that still there is one good thing about your illness what's that i haven't got it
18:23hello good evening and welcome again to paul murden's golden years of hollywood tonight we pay
18:29tribute to one of the greatest british film studios of its day bloomsbury films although never a giant
18:35in world cinema it nevertheless produced a series of films that made it a giant of world cinema
18:43bloomsbury films was the brainchild of that brilliant promoter george bloomsbury films
18:50he's very first film was made on a shoestring budget in 1937 the titanic story
19:11impressive stuff bloomsbury films followed up this success with a big budget blockbuster the
19:18bible filmed in its entirety from beginning to end in this dramatic excerpt noah builds his ark
19:33this film was so successful that two years later bloomsbury films remade it as a musical
19:45bloomsbury film
19:47bloomsbury films spent the war years making a series of propaganda films designed to boost morale
19:52unfortunately he made them for the nazi party
20:03after spending 15 years in prison bloomsbury films made what proved to be his very last movie
20:10he went over budget by 20 million in a desperate attempt to recapture former glories
20:24and so as the ice cream ladies with the illuminated trays make their way back up the aisle
20:31i bid you farewell from paul merton's golden years of hollywood
20:58this is a good newspaper the liar some good stories in here
21:02a woman attacked by silkworm cocoon taken to hospital
21:09drunken pterodactyl found in garage
21:13two more cafes two more cafes blimey i've only just opened up this one
21:21two more coffees well hang on i'll go down to the kitchen and get them for you
21:39an
21:41of joy and belle,
21:42Au coin de la roue là -bas,
21:46Elle a un clientèle
21:48Qui ne touche pas.
21:50Quand son bouleau sa chère,
21:53Elle s'en va à son tour
21:54Chercher un peu de rêve
21:57Dans un balle.
22:00Son nom est un artiste,
22:03C'est un rôle de p'tit gars,
22:06Un accordéoniste
22:08Qui sait jouer
22:09Jouer la java.
22:14Elle écoute la java,
22:16Mais elle me regarde,
22:18Elle ne regarde même pas la piste,
22:20Mais ses yeux amoureux,
22:22Tu veux leur chanter,
22:24Elle croit ce que l'on de la piste,
22:27C'est un privant dans la peau,
22:29Car la peau, car la ronde,
22:30Elle a envie de chanter, c'est p'tit gars,
22:33On est redondus,
22:34Sans couplé, c'est pendu,
22:36C'est un autre règle de la musique.
22:50C'est un autre règle de la musique.
22:54C'est un autre règle de la musique.
22:57C'est un autre règle de la musique.
23:04C'est un autre règle de la musique.
23:40C'est un autre règle de la musique.
23:54C'est un autre règle de la musique.
23:57C'est un autre règle de la musique.