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00:00The headlines tonight, Euro MP's new headsets play the sound of screaming women,
00:07Brian Ferry bath mat poisonous say lab,
00:10and bouncing elephantiasis woman destroys central Portsmouth.
00:15Those are the headlines. Happy now?
00:46Hello, sir.
00:50On the day-to-day tonight, MP in heartless outbursts after a bomb goes off in herds bath.
00:56Well, one bomb's going on in the Foreign Secretary's hand,
01:00but all he does is say, well, I didn't need that hand anyway.
01:02And a warm handshake from Michael Heseltine for the children he is about to release into the woods and shoot.
01:08How do you do? Nice to say hello to you.
01:14The Bank of England is in chaos following the discovery that the pound has been stolen.
01:19As the news broke, trading rooms were plunged into chaos.
01:22What's happening?
01:23Even seasoned campaigners, known for grace under pressure,
01:26reduced to squawking the day's panicked cry.
01:29What's happening?
01:30What's happening?
01:31The pound was stolen at 1.30 this afternoon by thieves dressed as cleaners.
01:35They drove a white Montego.
01:38Helicopter police gave chase, but despite the shunt,
01:41the men escaped, making good with their legs across open ground.
01:45And as city markets crashed and flew off,
01:49the government tried to stabilise the economy with an emergency currency based on the Queen's eggs,
01:54several thousand of which were removed from her ovaries in 1953 and held in reserve.
02:00This meant anyone mad enough to seize on the panic selling of dead pounds could become a dollar millionaire in
02:07less than an hour.
02:08How much money have you personally made today?
02:10Probably about 10 million.
02:12Wow.
02:12Throughout the day, bank officials have refused to confirm the rumours that the pound was only vulnerable at all
02:18because they removed it to play with at lunchtime and forgot to put it back.
02:24Later tonight, we'll be asking Malcolm Rifkin for his view
02:27and asking him why he likes pulling the legs off live dogs and shooting foreign policemen.
02:32The Day Today. Homicidey News.
02:37I'm Alan Partridge. Hello.
02:40Rally driving.
02:41The championships start tonight, but here's what I got up to this morning.
02:46Hi, you join me with Susie Herper, one of this Britain's top lady rally drivers.
02:52Susie, you're going to be subjecting me to some atrocious punishment. What's that?
02:57Well, I'm going to take you around the course that I won the rally on recently.
03:01Right, fantastic.
03:02And the stickers, what are the stickers for?
03:05Advertising.
03:06It's as simple as that?
03:08Yeah.
03:08Really is that simple.
03:11Before we go around the course, just to explain,
03:13this is a modern camera that will be watching all my facial movements.
03:16It's the size of a slim Panatella cigar.
03:20One more thing.
03:21It's a great model.
03:22It goes like a bomb.
03:23And the car's not bad either.
03:25Come on, let's go burn some rubber.
03:28I see you quite, sir.
03:32Oh, hey.
03:33Hey, spunky lady.
03:36Hits the bumpiness.
03:38Yeah.
03:38Let's see if you know how to handle this bitch.
03:42You keep her in line.
03:43I like it.
03:44It's good.
03:45You've got to check the car.
03:46You can't afford, really.
03:48You take another scrap of the neck and you let it know who's the queen.
03:51The car's the bitch.
03:53You are the queen and I like it.
03:56Yeah, whoa.
03:57Yeah.
03:59Now, uh, I just don't have a breeze here.
04:02Okay.
04:02Easy.
04:03Easy.
04:05Whoa.
04:06What's up there?
04:08What's up there?
04:09What's up there?
04:25It's been revealed that the junior treasury minister, Michael Portillo, carries a sawn-off shotgun
04:30to constituency meetings, corners children in parks and chews their cheeks, and has frequent
04:35sexual intercourse with stray animals, claiming, as long as it's got a backbone, I'll do it.
04:41That story we reported last week and have since discovered it to be untrue.
04:51Do you feel that young people are taking the right cues from their culture?
04:55I think young people make a contribution and indeed form the culture in which they live
05:01and in which we all live.
05:04How do you feel about some of the more dangerous elements of their cultural melee?
05:12I don't know what you mean by their more dangerous elements.
05:16We're talking bang.
05:18I'm talking guns.
05:19I'm talking about people like Uzi MC, the blood rap movement, Herman the Tosser.
05:25How do you feel when young people are presented with the sort of stuff that they're churning
05:29out?
05:29I think it's rather sad.
05:32What, when somebody listens to Herman the Tosser?
05:34And I think that they are, there are very many young people who are turned off by that
05:39violence, by that sexism, by that racism and by that homophobia.
05:44Are you levelling all those accusations at Herman the Tosser?
05:47No, I'm not.
05:48Herman the Tosser is not someone who has invaded my own particular consciousness.
05:52And if he...
05:53Although clearly, he has invaded yours and is a concern of yours.
05:57It sounds to me, it sounds to me, rather...
06:00It sounds to me, too.
06:01It sounds to me, rather, and unpleasant name, but he may be a delightful and offensive person.
06:07The day today, the last scintilla of doubt just rode out of town.
06:15The American serial killer Chapman Baxter is to be executed today by the dead body of his
06:19last victim.
06:20Barbara Wintergreen reports.
06:23Florida State Penitentiary and killer Chapman Baxter has dug deep into his past for tomorrow's
06:28execution ceremony.
06:30The best kind of justice would be if my last victim, Colin Acavito, could be dug up and
06:37he could kill me.
06:39At Oregon's Manomatronics Center, Dr. Travis Dately has been fleshing out Chapman's unusual
06:44carcass request.
06:45Do the arm movements once more.
06:47Coffin-boffin Travis has undertaken to manomatrise Colin Acavito.
06:51The man who Baxter blasted in the past.
06:54He's even helping him to speak from the grave.
06:56There's three sample voices.
06:57The first one is a kind of generic voice.
07:01Justice.
07:02The second one is Martin Sheen.
07:06Justice.
07:07And the third one, it's my favorite, Louis Armstrong.
07:10Justice.
07:11All of America is electrified by this vigilante victim.
07:15He's appeared in a cadavercade of front covers and chat shows and has squeezed new life into
07:19fruit juice ads.
07:20Dangiest fruit juice you've ever tasted.
07:23Then there ain't no...
07:25Yeah, it is.
07:27Live Wire Acavito is dating supermodel Kendall Ball, who seems stuck on the stiff.
07:32Colin's kind of cute.
07:33He's strong and silent.
07:36And, um, he doesn't bullshit me like other guys.
07:40Do you get to spend a lot of time alone together?
07:42Uh, well, no, because Travis is always with us, but I kind of like it that way.
07:47I've got this little dream whereby there's a whole village of reanimated corpses, and if
07:53you like, a kind of control tower in the center of that village with a bank of monitors, and
07:57I control all the corpses.
07:59Why use corpses?
08:00Why not normal people?
08:01Why don't you just leave things the way they are?
08:03Because normal people, because I wouldn't have my tower.
08:08I want a tower.
08:10The day of justice, and Baxter gets to renew his acquaintance with a body of evidence.
08:23Colin needs a few moments to decompose himself before delivering a stiff charge to Baxter.
08:28Justice.
08:36So, as Chapman Baxter came here to bury his past, looks like his past has come to bury him.
08:42This is Barbara Winogreen, CBM News, of the Corpsecution of Florida State Penitentiary.
08:50BBC mandarins are bleating again, this time because their new soap opera, The Bureau, has
08:55just plummeted out of the ratings.
08:57A BBC spokesman said, don't read too much into the fact that we're sending them out on
09:02tour to the regions on the back of a truck.
09:05It's not to drum up support, it's just standard policy for all programs.
09:09Have a look, shall we?
09:19Maria?
09:20Yeah?
09:22You know I'm gay?
09:24Yeah.
09:24Well, do you think it's possible for a gay man to love a woman?
09:30Of course it is, Guy.
09:31There's no rules to love.
09:32You've got to follow your heart.
09:35Maria?
09:36Yeah?
09:38I love you.
09:39Watch out, it's Hennity.
09:41Oi!
09:42I'm trying to run a high-class Bureau de Changes, not some two-bit nipple peep show in Rio de
09:47Janeiro.
09:49Ange!
09:49Where have you been all day?
09:50We've been worrying about you.
09:51It's not Ange anymore, actually.
09:54It's Mrs. Hennity to you.
10:06A cat meows, a horse neighs, a lion roars, a bird sings, a snake hisses, a human barks.
10:18Time now for business with Collatley Sisters.
10:21Thanks, Chris.
10:22You do it!
10:23Get it now!
10:23No, you get it!
10:24It's over there!
10:25Arguments like that broke out on the international markets today when economic talks collapsed
10:30and Spain withdrew from the world and began trading with itself.
10:33The peseta burst open at four.
10:36The pound was barely audible this morning.
10:38It rotted by 3.9 points against the dollar.
10:40And there was further bad news for coat developers Watney Heckbulb, who were ordered to cease trading
10:46because of bad burping.
10:48Chris.
10:48Chris.
10:50On now to the money markets and a quick look at the international finance arse.
10:53And there you can see the U.S. and Japanese cheeks started off with a gap of 2.4,
10:58but increased trading forced the two together to form a unified arse at around lunchtime,
11:02which held for the rest of the day.
11:05In summary then, oh no.
11:06Chris?
11:07For a second night running, London's police are out in force clamping the homeless.
11:12The new measures have been in operation since Monday and are already proving successful.
11:17The clamps are bolted on to any homeless person found asleep or motionless after 9 p.m. at night.
11:23This is the time when London's street people start accumulating in doorways,
11:28many of them drunk and pissed up on booze.
11:31The clamps ensure that any homeless who has caused a blockage is forced to stay put when
11:36they wake up.
11:36They've probably been sick too.
11:39They are then prosecuted and punished.
11:42And reaction to the new measures has been strong.
11:44So far, we've spoken to Kim Wilde.
11:46Does it make you feel bad when they clamp homeless people on the strand?
11:50When they clamp them?
11:51Yeah.
11:54Businesses on the strand getting in people to clamp them so they can't move away and then
11:58they're persecuted.
11:59And then they find them for being in the way.
12:01I didn't know that.
12:02That's awful.
12:03Would you call for clamps to be illegalised?
12:06Certainly on human beings.
12:07It's obscene.
12:09Environation from me, Rosie May.
12:12A revolution in household heating is sweeping across America.
12:16Frozen fire.
12:17Normal fire is solidified in special cold furnaces and packaged for home freezer storage.
12:23It can then be defrosted at a later date and poured onto logs.
12:27Frozen fire saves heat.
12:29The echo from the nuclear bomb which destroyed Hiroshima is set to devastate the city again.
12:35Half of the original blast has ricocheted off Jupiter and will strike Japan in 2041.
12:42It's not yet known whether the city will be evacuated.
12:46I'm Rosie May.
12:47Tread not on the forest leaves.
12:49For you tread on my face.
12:52Today is the anniversary of 1944.
12:55People did different things then and lived different lives.
12:58This day-to-day reminiscent package features contemporary memories and footage from a time when a five-speed, three-litre
13:06Ford Capri was the stuff of a madman's dreams.
13:13What was the food situation like in those days?
13:16Oh, it was dreadful.
13:17Of course it was dreadful.
13:21Sometimes we even had to eat bits of the house.
13:25Bricks.
13:26And the mortar was tastier than the actual bricks because, I mean, after all, it had been mixed up once
13:33and so you could mix it up again.
13:36You used to try to get it off other people's houses, of course, first.
13:41And houses that had been bombed and broken down.
13:43But sometimes you had to eat your own house.
13:46And it was better to find yourself without a house than without food.
13:52Electricity was very, very expensive.
13:54But you had to have a light of some kind.
13:57So we had the, perhaps, I don't know, we thought it was quite a good idea.
14:00You see, babies have such a lot of energy.
14:03They're always on the go.
14:05So we used to connect the house to a baby.
14:09And that used to keep the lights going.
14:12I don't remember much about 1945 because that was the year, that was my hibernation year.
14:18Can I have your name?
14:19Noble Vickery.
14:20You'd go and get your ticket and find out when you had to hibernate.
14:24And then you'd be given just a few weeks to get yourself organized.
14:28And, you know, you knew you had to keep going.
14:30We got into a box and curled up and you went to sleep.
14:36It was our bit of the war effort, really, to keep ourselves out of the way.
14:42Well, during the war, everybody was called up to be in the war cabinet.
14:46And I was called up to be the foreign secretary for a month.
14:51So there I was in meetings and having to express opinions.
14:56And I had to travel abroad.
14:58I went over to France and I met the French foreign minister.
15:04And he was really quite impressed because my French really was rather good.
15:08So we had conversations with me understanding everything he said and answering him.
15:13But whether I answered him properly, I don't know.
15:19This is the day-to-day.
15:20Still to come, controversy over new treasury appointment.
15:24I'm sick to death of this.
15:25All I ever get, treasury, treasury, treasury.
15:27That's all I ever hear.
15:28I'm sick of it.
15:29I've had enough.
15:29Just all of you.
15:30F*** off.
15:31And new anti-shoplifting measures for a B&Q store in Bracknell.
15:35If I catch anybody stealing anything from the shop, then I shoot them through the mouth with this.
15:45The number of MPs in Westminster suffering from Slemel's disease has risen to 22.
15:51Slemel's disease is caused by a brain virus that affects the victim's ability to read.
15:56They can see the words but have no idea what they mean.
16:00Baroness Trumpington was the first to show signs two weeks ago.
16:03She may have caught it from a badger.
16:05Then John McGregor.
16:06The virus is highly infectious and lives in peppermints.
16:09This was the moment Peter Lilly realised he too was in trouble.
16:14Slemel's also affects leg-eye coordination, causing victims to walk straight past places they intend to stop.
16:21By last Friday, William Waldergrave had little control over his body.
16:25Teddy Taylor followed.
16:28And Jimmy Knapp severely.
16:31Most seriously of all, on Monday, John Patton showed unmistakable signs.
16:36Failing to recognise familiar surroundings and objects.
16:43Clearly having no understanding of the day's briefs.
16:50The second document proved equally mysterious.
16:53And the third he couldn't even be bothered to try.
16:56And the disease shows no sign of stopping.
16:59This morning, Malcolm Rivkind appeared lost when he was just 20 yards from his office.
17:04Doctors say the only treatments they can offer so far are rubbish.
17:09A man sees gold in his car.
17:12He crashes.
17:13Today's historic trade agreement between Australia and Hong Kong marks a new season of hope for the future of world
17:19trade.
17:20The two countries have been at each other's throats for years, but now the hatchet's been buried by a treaty
17:25which allows unrestricted trading between all parties at all levels.
17:29I'm joined now by Martin Kreis, the British Minister with special responsibility for the Commonwealth, and Gavin Hortrey, the Australian
17:34Foreign Secretary in Canberra.
17:36Gentlemen, this is pretty historic stuff.
17:38Well done.
17:38A future of unbridled harmony then, Australia?
17:41Yes, I think Martin Kreis and I can be pretty satisfied.
17:45It's a good day.
17:47And if, as in the past, Australia exceed their agreement, what will you do about it?
17:52This is a very satisfactory treaty which I'm sure will work well.
17:55Naturally, if the limits were exceeded, then this would be met with a firm line, but I can't see this
17:59being necessary.
18:00Mr Hortrey, he's knocking a firm line in your direction.
18:02What are you going to do about that?
18:03Well, in that case, we just reimposed sanctions as we did last year.
18:07Sanctions? Hang on a second. They've only just swallowed their sanctions, and now they're burping them back up in your
18:11face.
18:12I think sanctions is rather premature talk. Certainly, if sanctions were imposed, we should have to retaliate with appropriate measures.
18:19I think appropriate measures is a euphemism, Mr Hortrey. You know what it means. What are you going to do
18:25about that?
18:25Well, I'd just have to go back to Cabinet.
18:27And ask them about what?
18:29Well, I don't know. Maybe it's a matter for the military.
18:31The military?
18:32I think military measures is a totally inappropriate reaction, and I think this is way, way over the top.
18:37Sounds like you're being inappropriate, are you?
18:39Of course I'm not being inappropriate. Martin Crace knows that full well.
18:43This is the sort of misunderstanding that I thought we'd laid to rest during our negotiating period.
18:46Misunderstanding it certainly is. It's certainly not a treaty, is it?
18:49You're both at each other's throats. You're backing yourselves up with arms. What are you going to do about it?
18:55Mr Hortrey, let me give you a hint. Bang!
18:58What are you asking me to say?
18:59You know damn well what I'm asking you to say. You're putting yourself in a situation of armed conflict. What
19:04are you plunging yourself into?
19:06You'd like me to say it?
19:07I want you to say it, yes.
19:09You want the word?
19:10The word!
19:10I will not flinch.
19:12You will not flinch from?
19:14War.
19:15War. Gentlemen, I'll put you on hold. If fighting did break out, it will probably occur in Eastmanstown in the
19:20upper cataracts on the Australia-Hong Kong border.
19:23Our reporter Donald Bethlehem is there now. Donald, what's the atmosphere like?
19:27Tension here is very high, Chris. The stretched twig of peace is at melting point. People here are literally bursting
19:35with war. This is very much a country that's going to blow up in its face.
19:40Well, gentlemen, it seems you have little option now but to declare war immediately.
19:43Well, this is quite impossible. I couldn't take such a decision without referring to my superior Chris Patton. He's in
19:48Hong Kong.
19:48Good, because he's on the line now via satellite. Mr. Patton, what do you think of the idea of a
19:52war now?
19:54I'll take that as a yes.
19:56Very well. It's war.
19:58War it is.
20:00That's it, Chris. It's war. War has broken up. This is the war.
20:06That's it. Yes, it's war.
20:11From now on, the day-to-day will be providing the most immediate coverage of any war ever fought.
20:16On the front line and in your face, Donald Bethlehem.
20:19Standing by, Douglas Hurd.
20:21The day-to-day smart bombs have nose-mounted cameras.
20:24This is smart bomb Stephen, and that is Susanna Gekaloys.
20:27I'll be reporting from inside the fight.
20:30Like some crazy Trojan.
20:32And keeping an eye on everything that's going on out there at the day-to-day news pipe, Douglas Trox.
20:37Chris, where's the weather from Sylvester Stewart?
20:41And now the weather, starting in the southeast.
20:44Where the sun should plop through after a dull start.
20:47A bit like having your hands sewn back on after a farming accident.
20:51Let's revolve the weather collar now, 70 degrees to the Midlands, where I was first bereaved.
20:58And there'll be a large cack of heavy cloud covering the area.
21:01But it should stay dry enough for you to dance outside until our Lord Beelzebub calls upon us.
21:06Now, if we rotate the throat circle back to the west country.
21:12And you can see there'll be several gits of bad weather across most of the sky.
21:16Some rain, but no more severe than soft porn.
21:19In summary then, and that's all the weather.
21:23Back to the war, and on the front line in Eastmanstown, our reporter Donald Bethlehem.
21:27Donald, what's the latest?
21:28As I swirled the last traces of toothpaste from my mouth this morning,
21:33a soldier's head flew past the window, shouting the word victory.
21:37Seems to be a lot of action behind you there. Have you seen any fighting yourself?
21:40Today I saw an old woman on the ground.
21:43She was lying in a pool of her own tomatoes.
21:47Thank you, Donald.
21:48Earlier today I've been down among the fighting myself.
21:50This is my report.
21:53There's something about the way these people move that tells you they are a nation at war.
21:59Look into their eyes and you can read the words,
22:03I have a reservation at the restaurant of death.
22:07It's a messy bistro with a bad name for soiling its customers' clothes.
22:12We've seen only one napkin in four days.
22:15The people here are confused, spending most of their time running about like idiots.
22:22Earlier today we met a family who, thanks to this war, now have no home.
22:26A war which they feel anyway has nothing to do with them.
22:31This is not our war.
22:32We are being forced to swallow the rotten egg of an angry political goose.
22:37That boy is now a war orphan.
22:40One more victim of what they call here the Desert Confetti.
22:44I have a child about his age myself.
22:47When I phoned him ten minutes ago, I told him to move out of the house to make room for
22:52his new brother.
22:54Back live now.
22:55Progress on the day-to-day smart bomb.
22:56Jonathan, get rid of herd.
22:59Thanks.
22:59Well, as you can see, Chris, there's the missile cruising about 2,000 per second,
23:03trying to locate the target, the soldier, it's aimed at...
23:05There's a soldier that goes in through the mouth there, down the esophagus, into the stomach.
23:08There's the explosion.
23:09Absolutely bang.
23:11That's the day-to-day, bringing you another tear on the face of the world's mother, Alan Sport.
23:16Thanks, Chris.
23:17And now some late-night soccer results.
23:20I'm Alan Partridge.
23:21This is Division 2.
23:23Hull Paragraph 5, Portsmouth Bubblejet 1.
23:27Sheffield Hysterical 3, Chunky Norwich 1.
23:30Richmond Arithmetic vs Nottingham Marjorie match postponed due to bent pitch.
23:35Good night.
23:47Susanna Gekelois has broken through to the front line.
23:50This is her contribution to history.
23:53This is the very heart of the conflict.
23:56The men here have been fighting non-stop for three days.
24:00We drove in at night, straight into the middle of a rocket battle.
24:06The air now is thick, with what they call here the electric cornflakes.
24:11We are under strict instructions not to leave the vehicle, but to drive on through.
24:19With no cover, we ran across open space to a nearby house.
24:24We found an injured man.
24:27We did our best.
24:28There are always casualties in war.
24:31There was a family sheltering in the back room.
24:34We had no tongue in common, but through the universal language of mutual need, I knew she was saying,
24:39Come, set your equipment up in our refuge.
24:42The world must see this mess.
24:45These brave people are now sleeping, but they know that tomorrow our aerials and transmitters could make this house a
24:52prime target.
24:53Chris.
24:54Back to the war now, and in the noise and heat of what they call here the flying scissor beans,
24:58there is no optimism, or at least wasn't, until just two minutes ago when we received these pictures of a
25:04miracle
25:05from the front line less than a mile from where I was.
25:09This was the scented rose in the bum gut of Satan, for here at 7.13 precisely, the fighting stopped.
25:17Soldiers who moments earlier had been shooting each other's teeth out,
25:21suddenly put down their guns and joined in peaceful commune.
25:24Some played games, or like these men, planned a musical.
25:29The reason for this outburst of calm lay inside a shed,
25:33for here the massed forces of two world powers were unified by nothing more than the distress of a cat
25:39stuck on a high shelf.
25:41No one knows how it got there, but these brave fighting men, moved by the simplicity of the animal's plight,
25:47decided to forget their differences and try to get it down.
25:51But even as the men celebrated, their heads were blown clean off.
25:57For somebody, nobody knows who, had filled the cat with nitroglycerin.
26:03The day today, news from telly to belly.
26:10Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's headlines.
26:12Plastic surgeon arrested with stash of stolen mouths, that's in the express.
26:17The Halaphrodite, police chief crushes lizard with whistle, there he is looking wretched.
26:21The Daily Mail, child made of paint, wins by election.
26:24The Murdoch papers tomorrow, crazed wolves in store, a bad mistake, admit mother care.
26:29And there's the same story in the sun.
26:31And the Daily Mirror have a special pull-out note for the milkman.
26:35Five pints, please.
26:36They'll be doing three, two and four later in the week.
26:40That's it.
26:40That's the day today, on the day a man on this programme told how he was menaced by Hugh Scully.
26:45He just came in and went...
26:49then went out.
26:50That's it.
26:51Good night.
27:02Good night.
27:36Available from now, on commercial video.
27:39The day today, this is our war.
27:42Featuring the men and women who've sacrificed themselves at the altar of fact.
27:46and the beat of over a thousand pop classics.
27:50Yeah!
27:51Ooh, ooh, ooh.
27:53Get down on it.
27:55Get down on it.
27:57Fuck your hell.
27:58Dreadlock Holiday.
28:00Dreadlock Holiday.
28:02Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
28:07So young lady.
28:09You really got man.
28:10You really got man.
28:12Got to stop sucking up.
28:13Got to stop sucking up.
28:14Yeah.
28:15Yeah.
28:16Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
28:18I'm wishing on a star.
28:23Burn, burn, burn.
28:25It's going final, burn, burn.
28:28Burn that mother down.
28:30Up, side your head, say oops.
28:32Up, side your head, say oops.
28:35Hands up, baby, hands up.
28:39Give me your heart, give me, give me your heart.
28:42Give me, give me, hands up.
28:44The day-to-day, this is our war.
28:46Bang after bang after bang after bang.