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00:22Oh, shut up.
00:26Any sign of him yet?
00:27No.
00:28Oh, come on, let's get on with it.
00:30We haven't got all day.
00:31Read the will out.
00:32I'm the eldest sister.
00:34Most of it will be coming to me anyway.
00:36We cannot start until all the family are present.
00:38Well, you should have been here on time.
00:40We're all here.
00:41I closed my cafe to be here.
00:43Well, if you hadn't, the health inspector would have.
00:47Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.
00:49How dare you?
00:50Our establishment is the finest and cleanest transport cafe on the A3.
00:54Oh, yeah?
00:55Well, what about those three juggernauts that jackknifed just past your place last week?
01:00That was an accident.
01:01It was food poisoning.
01:02It was not.
01:04It was oil on the road.
01:06Yeah, the oil you used to cook your chips in.
01:09Either that or a stale meat pie.
01:11I've seen you cutting the sill by date of the cellophane wrappers.
01:15That is slanderous.
01:18You are that.
01:19You're a solicitor.
01:19And I'm instructing you now.
01:21As soon as you finish reading that will, sue him.
01:24You leave my George alone.
01:27You seem to forget I worked there for a month.
01:30Helping you out when you dropped those frozen peas on your foot.
01:34I was also there when that lorry driver found a mouse in his steak and kidney pie.
01:39Leave it there, he said.
01:41It's the first decent piece of meat I've ever seen in him.
01:45You can sue her as well.
01:47Please, please, ladies and gentlemen, you have not come here to sue each other.
01:52Much as I could do with the work.
01:55You've come here to hear the will of the late lamented Enoch Merton.
01:57And as soon as his nephew gets here, we will start.
02:00His nephew.
02:02I don't know what he's been named for.
02:04He hasn't seen Enoch for 30 years.
02:06Neither of you.
02:07That is not the point.
02:09I'm his next of kin.
02:11I looked after him like a mother when he was young.
02:14It was a very sad day for me when he passed away.
02:18Good job he wasn't living at your cafe.
02:20He'd have gone years ago.
02:23Good afternoon, everybody.
02:25I'm sorry I'm late.
02:26I've just arrived from Torquay.
02:28What were you doing down there?
02:29I wasn't watching where I was going.
02:33I drove up the ramp of a park removal van,
02:35straight into a wardrobe.
02:37And I wasn't discovered until the happy couple got out of bed to get dressed this morning.
02:42My God, what a chilling sight.
02:45The masked Mertens.
02:47Look at them.
02:48Hammer Films' answer to the archers.
02:50Still as offensive as ever, I see.
02:53Aunty Frieda, the Lucretia Borgia of the Guilford Bypass.
02:59My congratulations.
03:00On what?
03:01On getting into Egon Roney's Good Food Guide.
03:03Rubbish.
03:04Oh, you've seen the classification.
03:07An unusual award.
03:09Three stomach pumps and a tombstone.
03:15Are you laughing?
03:17No, dear.
03:20I haven't laughed since me stag night.
03:24Arthur.
03:25As I live and breathe, which is more than you're doing.
03:29Thank goodness I thought it was your will we'd come to read.
03:32I thought she'd got rid of you at last.
03:34I was ready to point the frozen fish finger of suspicion at her.
03:37I suppose you're still out of work.
03:40Huh?
03:40When's he ever been in work?
03:43I recognise that voice.
03:45Those dulcet tones.
03:46Those honeyed words.
03:48That delicate trill can only belong to...
03:50Yes, it is.
03:51Foghorn Fanny.
03:52The voice that saved a thousand ships.
03:55Only a little joke, Fanny.
03:56It had better be.
03:58Oh, an even bigger one.
03:59Uncle George in the flesh.
04:01And so much of it.
04:03Well, if everybody's ready, perhaps we can commence.
04:06Which one are you?
04:07I'm the solicitor.
04:08Oh.
04:09I'll carry on then, Squire.
04:11Not that I'm expecting much.
04:12If he's left me in death as much as he gave me in life,
04:15it should buy me just about enough petrol to get me home.
04:18Proceed.
04:25The last word and testament of Enoch Ramesses Mer...
04:29Ramesses?
04:32That was his name.
04:33I hope he's not expecting us to build him a pyramid.
04:37A jar of daffodils, that's all I'll get out of this lot.
04:39Oh, will you stop interrupting?
04:41Get on with it!
04:43How much has he left?
04:45Yeah, so he up.
04:46The stock exchange shuts at half past three.
04:50I, Enoch Ramesses Merton, being of sound mind...
04:54Oh, good.
04:54He must have got better.
04:57He was of sound mind, wasn't he?
04:59I don't know.
05:00Last time I saw him, he was living in a box in Fanny's garden.
05:02It was a shed.
05:03It was a box.
05:04It was a shed.
05:05You don't need to lift a shed up to get inside it.
05:09Don't listen to him.
05:11It was a shed.
05:12It was a box.
05:13About this big.
05:14No doors, no windows.
05:16Just a little hole in the top for his head to poke through.
05:18I mean, we all know he was a fruit and nut case.
05:20It was a shed.
05:21He's just trying to invalidate the will.
05:24No, I'm not.
05:25I'm just saying he lived in a box.
05:26I'm not criticising.
05:27Diogenes lived in a barrel.
05:29Nobody contested his will.
05:31Jonah lived in a well.
05:32Swore by it.
05:33Wouldn't live anywhere else.
05:35He had to cut a bit off the ceiling every now and then, but he was all right.
05:39I don't think living in a box necessarily indicates insanity.
05:43Exactly.
05:43Lots of people in London live in boxes these days.
05:45He chose to live in the garden for the sake of his health.
05:50That's why he went to Australia, for the climate.
05:53And he certainly didn't live in a box out there.
05:56That's true.
05:57Well, then.
05:58It was a kangaroo's pouch.
06:01Can't you make him be quiet?
06:04Perhaps I could be allowed to continue.
06:06Don't let me stop you.
06:09I, Enoch Ramesses Merton, being of sound mind...
06:14If you insist...
06:16Do hereby make my last will and testament to my sister Fanny.
06:21Oh!
06:21Oh!
06:22Oh!
06:23Oh, he remembered me!
06:26Dear, dear Enoch.
06:29Who is without doubt the greediest person alive on God's earth.
06:33What?
06:35That's what it says here.
06:37I bequeath the sum of one pound.
06:40One pound?
06:42Being the last week's rent of the box I used to live in in her back garden.
06:48He rented it from you?
06:50Well, he didn't have to live in a box.
06:53I offered him a room in the attic.
06:55You had 16 Irish road builders in there.
06:57Well, times was hard and I needed every penny.
07:01Oh, it's a disgrace.
07:02He was mad and I can test the will.
07:06Oh, no, you don't.
07:08You've got exactly what you deserved.
07:11Oh!
07:11I was the only one who had any real feeling for him.
07:15Read out my bit.
07:18To my sister, Frieda,
07:20who for 30 years used to feed me at her cafe on the A3 at cost price.
07:25Oh, it was a pleasure.
07:27Nothing was too good for him.
07:28I leave the lining of my stomach.
07:34Ungrateful swine.
07:35Oh, I don't know.
07:36Cast iron.
07:37Must be worth a few, Bob.
07:42As for George and Arthur, my two brothers-in-law,
07:46I leave them...
07:48Yes?
07:49...with great pleasure.
07:54Right, that's it.
07:55Come on.
07:56I'm not staying here to be...
07:57No, no, no, stop.
07:58When he went to Australia, he made a lot of money.
08:01And I want to know who's getting it.
08:05The residue of my estate amounting to the sum of 528,125 pounds,
08:15I leave to that dear, sweet, innocent child, my only son, Paul.
08:23Son?
08:24He didn't have a son.
08:26Oh, yes, I did.
08:30That can't be right.
08:31My father was his brother.
08:33Uncle Enoch couldn't have been my father.
08:35Why not?
08:35Well, I remember my father.
08:37I remember the day he left home.
08:38I was five years old.
08:39I can still see him standing there now,
08:42a tall, virile figure in high-heeled shoes and silk stockings.
08:46Good heavens.
08:48Could it be that Uncle Enoch and my mother
08:51were cohabiting in a tea chest in Fanny's back garden?
08:54A love-child conceived behind the words
08:57produce of Darjeeling use no hooks.
09:00It seems that way.
09:02Well, I can't grasp it.
09:04The thing after all these years that I'm the son of a tea bag.
09:07Then again, who am I to judge the moral lapses of a previous generation?
09:11I mean, let's face it, the geese and the silk stockings
09:13didn't need me the price of a scratch card.
09:16No, I forgive you, Mother.
09:18Now, if you care to bung the accumulated conkers in there,
09:20I shall win my way.
09:21You did say 500 grand.
09:22I think it's disgusting.
09:25Born out of wedlock and inheriting?
09:27Have a care, madam.
09:28Just a moment.
09:29I was not born out of wedlock.
09:31My mother was in wedlock.
09:32She was just locked to a different wed for a year or two.
09:36Come along, sir.
09:36The letters, if you please.
09:37Just one moment.
09:38There is a proviso.
09:40A proviso?
09:41Hmm.
09:42To that dear, sweet, innocent child, my only son, Paul,
09:45providing that he is married.
09:47Oh, that's it.
09:50Or that he marries within seven days of the reading of this will.
09:57Fanny, my darling.
10:00Would you consent?
10:02Oh, God, no.
10:04Not for 500 million.
10:06In the hope that he will sire a son to carry on the family name?
10:10Very reasonable.
10:11I am prepared to sire multiple Mertens.
10:14And finally, that he will be named after his grandfather.
10:17Ramesses.
10:18Certainly.
10:19For 500 grand, I'd call him Ben Elton.
10:23Thank you very much, sir.
10:24You've read your part beautifully.
10:26I shall return within seven days,
10:27complete with bride and hopefully the beginning of many Mertens to come.
10:30What happens to the money if he doesn't get married?
10:33It all goes to the Casanova Cats home.
10:38Never.
10:39No moth-eating moggies getting his hands on my money.
10:42I shall now retire to the saloon bar with the free chuffs
10:44for a quick-size-up to local talent.
10:47Oh.
10:49Oh, that's a great place to find a wife.
10:51It is indeed.
10:52Most of my friends have found their wives up the chuff.
10:53Good day, dear.
11:19Good afternoon.
11:21Good afternoon, sir.
11:22You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
11:25Will you marry me?
11:26Oh, I'm sorry.
11:27I can't, sir.
11:28I'm already married.
11:29You can't be.
11:30You're the young lady on the front of the brochure.
11:32I risk life and limb troubling up on the northern line
11:34thinking I was going to meet you.
11:36What is your game, madam?
11:37Are you merely a lure?
11:38A temptress?
11:39I don't know what you mean.
11:41I suggest you do.
11:42They're using you.
11:43Like a greengrocer uses a wall of highly polished apples
11:46behind which lies the bruised and battered rubbish
11:48he serves us with.
11:50The brochure is purely for publicity.
11:53My husband and I own the agency.
11:55I'm sure we'll be able to find someone who'll make an ideal wife for you.
11:58I don't want someone to make a wife for me.
12:00I want one already assembled.
12:03Who's your husband?
12:04Peter Cushing?
12:06Are you being deliberately obtuse, sir?
12:09What does that mean?
12:11No, you're not.
12:14By asking a few questions, simple questions,
12:17my husband will be able to find an ideal mate
12:20from the many ladies we have in our books.
12:22I would warn you, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
12:24I must have one by Thursday.
12:26These flowers won't last much longer.
12:28And I don't want to have to go down the cemetery again.
12:31Yes, well, if you'd like to take a seat,
12:33my husband won't keep you long.
12:35All right.
12:53Hello.
12:54Afternoon.
12:56Is this your first visit?
12:58Yes, it's not what I expected.
13:00I thought it'd be like a used car lot.
13:02All standing around holding boards up
13:04with their age, price and mileage on them.
13:07What are you looking for?
13:09Oh, nothing special.
13:10Something homely I can take home to me solicitor.
13:13You shouldn't have any trouble.
13:15Good-looking chap like you.
13:17Oh, come now, I'm not particularly...
13:20Really?
13:21Yes.
13:23Yes, I wouldn't say I was in the Angus Dayton mode.
13:29I think you are.
13:32Admittedly, I'm taller than Ian Hislop.
13:36But then again, who isn't?
13:38A pigeon's taller than Ian Hislop.
13:41Oh, you mark my words, you shouldn't have any trouble.
13:43You've been snapped up straight away.
13:45Well, so will you.
13:46Oh, no, I don't see nothing.
13:49Of course you will.
13:50You're putting yourself down.
13:51You're a very attractive man.
13:54Do you think so?
13:57Yes, well, I mean, not to me, you know,
13:59but to somebody else who might find you.
14:01I'm sure you...
14:01How did Chelsea get on last night?
14:07Do you come here often?
14:09This is my 97th visit.
14:11Get away.
14:12Yes.
14:13That's more times than I went up for my driving test.
14:15Yes, 97.
14:16They just don't seem to be able to find anybody who likes me.
14:19Oh, how sad.
14:20I make an appointment, I take them out to dinner,
14:22then I take them home,
14:23I shake hands and say goodnight,
14:24and I never see them again.
14:27Don't know what I'd do wrong.
14:29Well, you don't do anything wrong.
14:30That's your trouble.
14:32Women like a bit of doing wrong.
14:33You want to steam in there.
14:35What do you mean, kiss them?
14:37You don't want to go raving mad.
14:40Not on your first date.
14:42I mean, look, do you mind me being personal?
14:44Not at all.
14:49Be brutal.
14:52Well, it's all a question of image.
14:54I mean, what sort of car do you drive?
14:57Reliant Robin.
14:59Reliant Robin, they're useless.
15:01One grope in the back of them and they topple over.
15:04And I mean, look at how you're dressed.
15:06I mean, come on.
15:07What's wrong?
15:08Well, the anorak.
15:09It's all right for bird spotting, but not bird pulling.
15:12You want to get round the boutiques.
15:14Buy yourself some Ralph Lauren shirts,
15:16Armani jackets, Versace trousers, Gucci loafers.
15:19Where do you shop?
15:19Oxfam.
15:22Well, I'm skint.
15:23Till I get married, that's why I'm here.
15:24Yeah.
15:29Oh, well, there's no point now.
15:31He's probably bought the lot.
15:34Who's next?
15:35I am, if you've got any left.
15:37Right, if you come this way, please.
15:39Good luck.
15:41Oh, and, er, word of advice from me.
15:44Don't take 53, 55 or 67.
15:47Why not?
15:48That's how old they are.
15:50Thank you very much.
15:51And good luck to you too.
15:52Mr Merton, darling.
15:54Come in, Mr Darling.
15:55Oh, I think she was phoing to you, darling.
15:57I'm just plain Merton.
15:58I'm nobody's darling.
15:59That's why I'm here.
16:01Oh, yes, of course.
16:02Please, take a seat.
16:04Thank you, darling.
16:06Thank you, darling.
16:10She's a darling.
16:12Your wife, I believe?
16:13Yes.
16:14Keeping all the good stuff for yourself, eh?
16:18Don't worry, there are always new models coming off the assembly line.
16:21I must warn you, this is a bit of a rushed job.
16:23I need to take delivery and be on the road by Thursday night.
16:26Well, normally we do try to find an ideal pairing, but if we want it by Thursday, we can't afford
16:31to be too fussy.
16:32Well, I fully realise that.
16:33I'm not looking for a Julie Christie.
16:35But on the other hand, I'm hoping to do better than an Agatha Christie.
16:39Right.
16:39Well, let's take a few details and see what we can do.
16:42Name?
16:43Merton.
16:45Physical description.
16:45A torso of classical proportions, surmounted by a noble head cast in the heroic mould,
16:52with the finely chiselled features of a Roman senator.
16:55The whole, supported by legs, suggesting the grace and strength of Grecian colonnades,
17:01mounted on two of the biggest, most misshaped and bunion carriers ever to be cut out of a
17:04pair of Dr. Sculls.
17:07Hair?
17:08Light ripened corn.
17:10Pines?
17:11A delicate azure blue.
17:14Age?
17:1539.
17:16And three quarters.
17:18Teeth?
17:19The same.
17:21No, I mean, are they your own teeth?
17:23Women like to know that sort of thing.
17:24Well, the three quarters are, but the other 39 are a tribute to the dental skills of one
17:29Mr. Ranjit Patel of Harley Street.
17:31Balham.
17:33Oh, I see.
17:33You mean they've been capped and filled in?
17:35They've been capped more times than Grand Gooch and filled in more times than Frank Bruno.
17:40Religion?
17:42Lapsed hairy Krishna, but might take it up again in the warm weather.
17:46Have you heard any contagious diseases?
17:49Only those I've caught from other people.
17:51None of me own.
17:54Eyesight?
17:55Yes, both eyes.
17:58Social habits?
17:59Do you drink?
18:01Only when I'm sitting at home waiting for the pubs to open.
18:05Right, well, I think that's enough to be getting on with.
18:07Have you any particular woman in mind?
18:10Any special attributes?
18:11No, I leave it entirely up to you, Squire.
18:13All I would ask for is a woman I could take to a wife-swapping party without being charged
18:17admittance.
18:19Right, well, we'll feed the information into our computer and see who suits it.
18:23We'll be in touch as soon as we find a pairing and arrange a meeting.
18:26The rest is up to you.
18:27You shouldn't have too much trouble with a man of those qualifications.
18:30Remember, time is of the essence.
18:31I'm staying at Claridge's.
18:33Are you?
18:34Yeah, Mr and Mrs Claridge's boarding house or overnight juggernauts.
18:37Please send the applicants round at 30-minute intervals.
18:39I don't want them queuing up down the staircase and spilling out into the tooting Broadway.
18:51The Mayfair Matrimonial Agency.
18:53Yes, it is me again.
18:55And it will continue to be me again until some women start arriving.
18:58I've been sitting in my room for five days so far and nothing.
19:02The only two people who have come to my door have been two Bosnian lorry drivers asking for political asylum.
19:06You must have somebody that's interested.
19:09Cut out the bit about the bunions.
19:10Give the computer a kick.
19:12It's essential I'm married by midday tomorrow.
19:15You found somebody?
19:16Why didn't you say so?
19:19What's her name?
19:23Evelyn Duckworth.
19:24Is there a photograph?
19:24What does she look like?
19:26Why not?
19:27Oh, it doesn't matter.
19:28At this stage, I'd consider her a Bulgarian discus thrower.
19:32If I send her round, she's on her way.
19:35What, now?
19:36Now?
19:50Oh, it doesn't matter.
20:32Oh, that's it.
20:35She stands no chance.
20:37If Joanna Lumley came in now, she'd be mine before she got her fags out.
20:53Well, I'll be.
20:54Not tonight, you won't.
21:00What are you doing here?
21:01What do you want?
21:02The agency sent me round.
21:04I'm Evelyn.
21:05Evelyn?
21:06What sort of name's that for a fella?
21:08Evelyn, as in war.
21:10A state that now exists between us.
21:13Don't blame me.
21:14I was expecting a girl, too.
21:15Look, Paul and Merton, as in Yates.
21:18It's the computer.
21:19They don't give it enough information.
21:21Did you tell them you were a man?
21:22Well, no.
21:23I thought it would have guessed.
21:26Can I come in for a minute?
21:27Certainly not.
21:28Why not?
21:28You're not expecting anybody else, are you?
21:30It's too late now, anyway.
21:31As I won't be married by midday tomorrow, I'll forfeit my inheritance.
21:34Oh, I'm not going to bother any more, either.
21:3697 times is enough.
21:38I'm not going to be humiliated any more.
21:40I'll just devote the rest of my life to my cat's home.
21:42Yes, tragic, tragic.
21:44You have a cat's home?
21:45Yes.
21:46What is the name of this feline hostelry?
21:48Um, the, uh, Casanova cat's home.
21:51The Casanova?
21:52Did you by any chance know an Enoch Ramesses Merton?
21:56Old Enoch?
21:56Yes, he left all his cats with us when he emigrated to Australia.
21:59Come in, Evelyn.
22:01Don't you stand there.
22:03Oh.
22:05Have a glass of champagne.
22:06Oh.
22:08The light's not too harsh for you.
22:10Oh.
22:10The music's not too volatile.
22:13Oh.
22:15Oh, uh, could I keep the cork, please?
22:17I'll save them.
22:18Of course.
22:19The first of many.
22:21Oh.
22:21I will shower you with corks.
22:25Evelyn.
22:27Loneliness is a terrible thing.
22:29It shouldn't happen to a long-distance runner, let alone someone as fascinating as you.
22:35I don't know what to say.
22:36Don't say anything.
22:38Just exist.
22:40Bloat-a-paste.
22:44Evelyn.
22:45No, no.
22:46Oh.
22:47I want you to be honest with yourself.
22:49Can you face the prospect of you and the Casanova Cats home alone for the rest of your life?
22:55No.
22:56I can't.
22:56I dread it.
22:57Yes.
22:58I too am plagued by fears of impending work.
23:01Age.
23:02How silly for two lonely souls to separately travel the broad highway.
23:07I have a proposal to make.
23:09I will.
23:09Hang on.
23:11The proposal relates to the aforementioned Casanova Cats home.
23:14I'm willing to buy in.
23:15A partnership, no less.
23:17I'm willing to buy in for £2,000.
23:20What?
23:20And share with you the future, whatever it may bring.
23:23I don't know.
23:24It's all I've got for my old age.
23:25God, you look lovely by candlelight.
23:292,500 and I'll feed the cats.
23:31I don't know.
23:32I don't know.
23:32It's all so sudden.
23:33Oh, do not forsake me, oh, my Evelyn, on what would have been my wedding day.
23:39Right.
23:41I'll do it.
23:41Then fly back to your cats home and prepare my room.
23:44I'll sling this lot to skip and I'll see you up there.
23:50Farewell, my lovely.
23:51Oh.
23:56Well, Enoch, thanks to you, Andrew Lloyd Webber's not the only one to make a fortune out of cats.
24:01Just thank God my old man wasn't the one in the silk stockings.
24:04Cheers.
24:05Cheers.
24:24Cheers.
24:26Cheers.
24:38Cheers.
24:40Cheers.
24:41Cheers.
24:43Cheers.
24:44Cheers.
24:44Cheers.
24:44Cheers.