- 2 days ago
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00:01I don't know.
00:32In Spain, it's still wet, but in Inglaterra, they're enjoying the clouds with a warm air.
00:40It's more or less the same in Europe. And that's all for now.
00:46We're at 6. Good afternoon.
01:00We're at home. I'm fed up with Spain.
01:01Well, we can't. We've booked for a fortnight and we're staying for a fortnight.
01:21Granny!
01:27Mum? Mum?
01:31Your hearing aid's whistling.
01:34Pardon?
01:35Your hearing aid is whistling.
01:38I can't hear you when the hearing aid's whistling.
01:41What did you say?
01:43Doesn't matter. It's all right now.
01:45I think it needs a new battery.
01:47I put one in for you yesterday.
01:49Pardon?
01:50I put one in for you yesterday.
01:53I thought you put one in for me yesterday.
01:57She left it on all night. I took a cup of tea in this morning and it was lying on
02:01the table next to her teeth. Whistling.
02:05It might have been her teeth whistling.
02:08Don't be rude.
02:10Is that Michael Fish?
02:11No, it isn't.
02:13Put your glasses on.
02:15Pardon?
02:15Put your glasses on.
02:17I can't find them without me glasses.
02:22Can we go home?
02:24No, we can't.
02:25Honestly.
02:26Can't see it.
02:26Can't hear it.
02:27There's not much pointing us sitting here.
02:29Short to go to bed.
02:32It's about time you went to bed too.
02:38Oh, no.
02:39It's not him.
02:40Shhh.
02:44Hello, hello, hello.
02:46It's him.
02:47We'll go and watch it on the little one.
02:49He never stops talking.
02:51Buenos dias.
02:52Hello, Uncle Paul.
02:54Yeah, goodbye, Uncle Paul.
02:57Oh.
02:58Not all over the floor.
03:00Oh, I'm sorry.
03:01There was a duck swimming around it just now.
03:04It's Scorcio in Manchester.
03:07Here I am.
03:10Evening, Granny.
03:11No ball-fighting lessons this evening, then.
03:15Evening, Granny.
03:17Oh, it's him again.
03:20Ah, it is our thespian friend.
03:22Good evening, Sir Lawrence.
03:24Hello.
03:25You still on holiday?
03:26Or are you waiting for El Dorado to start up again?
03:30Leave my brother alone.
03:31Gavin is resting.
03:38I see Donald Wolfe, it's dead.
03:41It's Steve, hon.
03:43He's up on the roof, mending a leak.
03:45Oh.
03:47I'll be up in a minute.
03:48Give your hand.
03:50Didn't expect to see you round here tonight.
03:52Mm.
03:53It's right.
03:53See me round here for a few more nights.
03:55Really? Why?
03:56Camping site's been washed out to sea.
04:00Our caravan will be in Tunisia by now.
04:04Next week, there'll be a family of Bedouins living in it.
04:07How's Brenda?
04:08I just come back from the hospital.
04:10She should be all right.
04:10She'll be out the day before we go.
04:12Mind you, it's her own fault.
04:14First day of sunshine when we arrived, straight into her bikini.
04:17Three hours later, the Malaga Fire Brigade had to scrape off the tiles around the swimming pool.
04:22So I thought I'd come round and drag you all out for a drink.
04:25It's Spanish night down the English pub.
04:28No, not in this weather.
04:30We're going to stay in and watch the television.
04:32There's a film on in English.
04:34Oh.
04:34I might join you then.
04:36No.
04:37No, no, no.
04:37Don't let us spoil your evening.
04:39You go and have a drink.
04:40No, it's all right.
04:41I don't mind watching a bit of telly.
04:43Right.
04:43Well, don't talk all the way through it.
04:45I'd like to follow it for once.
04:46I won't say a word.
04:50What's on?
04:52It's a Western.
04:53It's coming from Gibraltar.
04:54There's football on the other channel.
04:56We're watching the film.
05:01No, your colour's all wrong.
05:03It's these Spanish sets that are a load of rubbish.
05:05Leave it alone.
05:06There's too much red in it.
05:08Why don't you just go down the pub?
05:09They'll be sending out search parties for you if you don't turn up soon.
05:12You can't watch it like this.
05:13Look at John Wayne.
05:14He looks like he's been boiled.
05:16He looks worse than my missus.
05:19You got a screwdriver?
05:20Leave it alone.
05:21We like it like that.
05:22Oh.
05:25Why does he keep coming round here?
05:28His caravan's been washed away.
05:31Petitier wasn't in it.
05:39He was looking his age.
05:41James Stewart.
05:42Wouldn't he?
05:45You could die of thirst in this house.
05:52You've got a lot of wear out of that dress, haven't you?
05:58Well, thanks very much.
06:00Not having one yourself?
06:02No, thank you.
06:02I'm trying to watch the film.
06:04How about Glinda Jackson?
06:06So am I.
06:07Stop talking.
06:09The nearest you ever got to television was watching it.
06:12If you want a job down the garage washing the buses, just say the word.
06:15Be quiet.
06:21Hello.
06:22It's Burt Reynolds.
06:24What's he doing in a park like that?
06:26Who?
06:27Burt Reynolds.
06:29Where?
06:30There, just getting off the horse.
06:32That's not Burt Reynolds.
06:34That's John Wayne's park horse, isn't he?
06:36No, no, not him.
06:36Not him.
06:37The other one.
06:37Him.
06:39Burt Reynolds.
06:40That's not Burt Reynolds.
06:42It is Burt Reynolds.
06:44That's nothing like Burt Reynolds.
06:46Look, I know Burt Reynolds when I see him and that is Burt Reynolds.
06:50Oi, Gilgud.
06:52Tell her, isn't that Burt Reynolds?
06:54It's nothing like him.
06:57It is Burt Reynolds.
06:59It's not.
07:00It is.
07:01He hasn't got hair like that for a start.
07:03What's that got to do with it?
07:05He's wearing a syrup.
07:07It was made years ago, this was.
07:101976.
07:11Oh, of course, you'd know all about it.
07:12I was forgetting you're in the business, aren't you?
07:14Cubby Broccoli has spoken.
07:17I know Burt Reynolds when I see him.
07:20Of course you're on speaking terms.
07:21Look, I say it's not Burt Reynolds and so does Gavin.
07:24It doesn't make you right, does it?
07:28That is Burt Reynolds.
07:30Why doesn't he go round the pub?
07:34Granny, you saw him.
07:36Eh?
07:37You saw him.
07:39Oh.
07:39Burt Reynolds.
07:41Oh?
07:42Burt Reynolds.
07:43Where?
07:44There.
07:46That's not Debbie Reynolds.
07:50Burt Reynolds.
07:52Who is?
07:53He is.
07:53Him.
07:57It's not.
07:58All right, come on then.
07:59Put your money where your mouth is.
08:00I'll bet you your week's doll money, that is Burt Reynolds.
08:03Here we are.
08:0428,000 Mercedes.
08:05Cover that.
08:06I'm not betting with you.
08:07No, because you know I'm right.
08:09That is Burt Reynolds.
08:11Oh, he's gone.
08:12Right, sit down and be quiet.
08:14Forget about it.
08:15Doesn't matter.
08:21That was Burt Reynolds.
08:22Yes, Paul, shut up.
08:23I wanted a quiet night in.
08:25I've lost the thread as it is.
08:26Well, I'm sorry, but he bet me that it wasn't Burt Reynolds.
08:28He didn't bet you.
08:29You bet him.
08:30He accepted it.
08:31I did not.
08:32Oh, they're not so sure now.
08:33They're backing down now, aren't they, eh?
08:36Well, it didn't look like Debbie Reynolds to me.
08:40Think I'll go and watch it with the kids?
08:41No, no, no, no.
08:42I won't say another word.
08:44No.
08:48I've made my point.
08:50What point?
08:51I was right.
08:51That was Burt Reynolds.
08:52You were not right.
08:53That was not Burt Reynolds.
08:55Look, Jill, how many years have I been going to the pictures?
08:57Eh?
08:59I've seen every film Burt Reynolds ever made.
09:01Yes, but you're not seeing one now because he's not in it.
09:03He could be quiet as well.
09:04Don't encourage him.
09:05You know what he's like.
09:07Well, who's that?
09:09Hello.
09:10Oh.
09:11I see what you mean.
09:13Look at you.
09:13You're soaking wet.
09:14Yeah, well, I've replaced half a dozen tiles on the roof and cleared the guttering out.
09:18Should last the rest of the week.
09:20I wouldn't have been up there to help you, but I'm taller than you.
09:23I might get struck by a lightning.
09:26He's here again.
09:27Yes, I know.
09:28Oh, Steve.
09:29Just the man we've been waiting for.
09:30Oh, don't start all that again.
09:32Let him get in.
09:32No, no, no.
09:33Settle the dispute.
09:34Oh, not another one.
09:35Um...
09:35It won't take a second.
09:37Sit down.
09:38All right.
09:38What's this about?
09:39He seems to think that...
09:41No, no, no.
09:42Say nothing.
09:42No clues.
09:43Don't put words into his mouth.
09:44Now, Steve, I want you to watch this programme.
09:48John Wayne?
09:48Yeah, yeah.
09:48That is, yeah.
09:50There's someone else in this film, and I want you to tell them who it is.
09:55James Stewart?
09:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:56Not me.
09:57The person in question is not on screen at the moment, but when he or she comes on, I will
10:04say,
10:04who is that?
10:05And I want you to tell them.
10:06Right?
10:06Yeah, all right, then.
10:08Get your money ready, Vanessa.
10:12There he is.
10:13Who's that?
10:15It's Richard Boone.
10:16No, no, no.
10:17Not him.
10:17The one behind him.
10:18Him.
10:19Oh, I don't know.
10:20Of course you do.
10:21I mean, look at him.
10:22He's famous.
10:22Well, look at me.
10:23He's not.
10:23I've never seen him before.
10:24Yes, you have.
10:25Dozens of times.
10:26We went through all this with Goldfinger.
10:29Every time someone came on, there's a face, there's a face.
10:32Who's that, then?
10:33You ruined that film.
10:34He's not just a face.
10:35He's a star.
10:36What's he doing standing behind Richard Boone, then?
10:38Because he wasn't a star, then.
10:39This was made years ago.
10:411976.
10:42Don't use stars.
10:43No.
10:44I saw it at the beginning.
10:45It said copyright MCMLXXV1.
10:49That's 1976.
10:51Typical.
10:52A blind slave in Caesar and Cleopatra, and he's an expert on Roman numerals.
10:56All right.
10:57All right.
10:58All right.
10:58All right.
10:58I give up.
10:59Who is it?
11:00Well, that is Burt Reynolds.
11:05Who?
11:06Burt Reynolds.
11:09Burt Reynolds?
11:11It's nothing like him.
11:13Why am I the only one who's got two eyes?
11:15That is Burt Reynolds.
11:17Three against one.
11:18Shut up.
11:18Why doesn't he go down the pub?
11:22I'll prove it's Burt Reynolds.
11:24Where's the LTV Times?
11:26Mum's sitting on it.
11:27Granny?
11:29Granny!
11:30Oh, you're off down the pub.
11:33Good night.
11:33The LTV Times, yo.
11:35You're sitting on it.
11:36Eh?
11:36The TV Times.
11:38I'm sitting on it.
11:39Yeah, I know.
11:40Would you mind getting up?
11:41You're not having my seat.
11:42I don't want your seat.
11:43I want the TV Times.
11:45Oh!
11:45Right.
11:45There.
11:46Right.
11:47This'll settle it.
11:49Martes Ogdo Julio.
11:50Oh.
11:52The Valley of Dust.
11:53Starring John Wayne, James Stewart, Lauren Bacall, Richard Boone.
12:02Bloody stupid paper.
12:04What?
12:04No Burt Reynolds?
12:05No, of course not.
12:06They don't put all the cast down, do they?
12:08They don't put all the bit players down.
12:09You ought to know that.
12:10Your name's never been in there.
12:13It would have been if it was Burt Reynolds.
12:15You?
12:16They wouldn't put your name on a roll of toilet paper.
12:18That is Burt Reynolds.
12:24Enda parte uno.
12:25I haven't followed a word of that so far.
12:27Is that Michael Fish?
12:30It's dinner, Eddie.
12:32I'll go and see how it's getting on.
12:35I'll come with you.
12:37I'll make the salad.
12:40Don't leave me here with him.
12:45I'll tell you it's Burt Reynolds.
12:48That was Burt Reynolds!
13:04Hello?
13:05Generali ospitale?
13:07Er, rumo vente ses, por favor.
13:11Private room.
13:12Boot will go potty.
13:14This'll sort it.
13:14She knows everything.
13:15She could tell you the name of Dorothy L'Amour's grandmother.
13:19Hello, Brenda?
13:20Yeah, it's me.
13:21How's your back?
13:23Oh, well, never mind.
13:25Have you got the telly on?
13:27Right.
13:27You see the bloke with the gun.
13:29Never mind the football.
13:31Turn it over.
13:31Quick, hurry up.
13:32You'll miss him.
13:33You done it?
13:34Good.
13:35Right.
13:35Now, you see the bloke standing next to John Wayne.
13:39Who is it?
13:41Well, of course you do.
13:44Is that, or is it not, Burt Reynolds?
13:48It is Burt Reynolds.
13:52Oh, cobblers, go back to your football.
13:564-1.
13:58It's the sun that shriveled her brains up.
14:01I'm surrounded by idiots.
14:03Is she going to pay for the call?
14:05Oh, look, you've just missed Humphrey Bogart.
14:07He was the Red Indian.
14:11All right, all right, you'll eat dirt.
14:13I'm not giving up on this.
14:15Why don't you just admit you're wrong?
14:17There's four against you, plus Brenda and the kids.
14:19They all say it's not Burt Reynolds.
14:23I don't understand how you can't see it.
14:25I mean, look at him.
14:26That is Burt Reynolds.
14:28The eyes, the mouth.
14:30He hasn't even got a moustache.
14:32He was too young to grow one.
14:34All right, if you're so confident, I'll increase the bet.
14:37200,000 per sake-less.
14:38You still owe me 1,000 quid from when we saw that clip on film night.
14:42What?
14:44I say we.
14:45I saw it.
14:45I can't believe you did.
14:46You got everything wrong.
14:48Wrong?
14:49Wrong?
14:49Like what?
14:50What?
14:50What?
14:51No, it doesn't matter.
14:53No, no, come on, come on.
14:54What?
14:54What?
14:55What?
14:56What?
14:58What?
14:59What?
14:59What?
15:00What?
15:00What?
15:02What?
15:03See?
15:04You've forgotten it already.
15:04Ah.
15:05The music man, right?
15:07Yes, that's right.
15:08I thought so.
15:09I thought so.
15:09I thought I'd still be wrinkling.
15:11Forgotten it?
15:12Dear, oh dear, that'll be the day.
15:13I've got a mind like a computer, mate.
15:15It's all stored up here.
15:16Complete memory bank.
15:18Just press the buttons and it all comes out.
15:20Zonk, zonk, zonk, zonk.
15:23What do you want to know?
15:25How many trombones led the big parade?
15:2877.
15:29See?
15:29He's wrong again.
15:30He's 76.
15:31No, no, no, you're getting all mixed up, mate.
15:33You're mixing it up with the American War of Independence, 1776.
15:36War, 76.
15:38Trombones, 77.
15:40I think you'll find I'm right.
15:42No, you're not right.
15:43Listen.
15:4677 trombones led the big parade.
15:48It doesn't even scan.
15:50Some numbers are right and some are wrong.
15:52It's got to have the right number of syllables.
15:54You wouldn't say two-thirds of a league, two-thirds of a league,
15:57two-thirds of a league onward.
15:59Into the valley of death throwed the gallant 597.
16:05You'd bloody well have to if that's all there were.
16:09Not when it's a poem.
16:10You have poetic license.
16:12He didn't know exactly how many were there.
16:14He said 600 because it was approximately right and it sounded right.
16:19Alfred Lord Tennyson was a poet, not a historian.
16:22Lord Alfred Tennyson.
16:27Alfred Lord Tennyson.
16:28No, no, no.
16:29That can't be right.
16:30You can't be christened Lord.
16:32It wouldn't be allowed.
16:33No vicar would stand for it.
16:35You were either born a Lord or you made a Lord.
16:37You were still Alfred Lord Tennyson.
16:40No, he wasn't.
16:40You wouldn't say George Lord Brown.
16:43Only because he hyphenated the George and the Brown
16:46to make it a surname to distinguish himself from any other Lord Brown.
16:49Be quiet.
16:49For God's sake, both of you be quiet.
16:52Just sit down and let's enjoy what's left of this film.
16:57Phone calls are expensive these days.
16:59You ought to pay for it.
17:03I don't want your money.
17:05I just want you to admit that I'm right.
17:08That's the fourth one he said.
17:11I went out and bought these during the interval.
17:14Do you want one?
17:15Eh?
17:16Do you want one?
17:18No, thank you.
17:19Not if you bought them.
17:22You wouldn't have all this trouble if you wouldn't keep arguing with me.
17:25Right.
17:26The end.
17:28Someone would like to explain to me what that was all about.
17:30Hang on.
17:31Hang on.
17:31The credits.
17:31Right, let's have a look at this now.
17:32We'll see who's right.
17:33Now, when his name comes up, I want you all to apologise.
17:58He wasn't on there, Paul.
18:00Of course he wasn't.
18:02I didn't expect him to be.
18:05Why didn't you expect him to be?
18:06Well, they don't put all the bit players down, do they?
18:09It's only a small bit part, even smaller than him.
18:11If that's possible.
18:13So he thought the best thing to do was to leave his name off the credits altogether.
18:16Say nothing.
18:17Keep shtum.
18:18Nanti Polari.
18:19Hope nobody recognises him.
18:20They weren't counting on me, though.
18:22I recognised him the minute he came on.
18:24That's because I actually watch television.
18:25I do actually watch it.
18:27Unlike some people I know,
18:28who let life wash all over them without even getting wet,
18:30I actually do watch it.
18:32I don't make pronouncements lightly.
18:33I don't talk for the sake of talking, you know?
18:37Is he still talking?
18:40All right, let's forget about it.
18:41I've had enough.
18:41No, no, no.
18:42I'm not letting you get away with it as easy as that.
18:44You have challenged me.
18:45This is a confrontation.
18:47Oh, I'm not bothered.
18:48If you want a slow walk down Main Street, that's all right with me.
18:51No, I don't know what he's talking about now.
18:53Because I'll destroy you.
18:54Right now.
18:55I don't like being made a look of Burke.
19:00Look, you haven't even had anything to eat yet.
19:02No, I haven't had time, have I?
19:04What, do you want something to eat?
19:05I suppose so.
19:06Is there enough?
19:07There's enough?
19:08What have you got?
19:09Paella Valenciana.
19:10What, again?
19:13All right, if there's nothing else.
19:16Using the telephone, I'm going.
19:20Hello, did you board a television?
19:22Now we'll see.
19:23I wonder if you could give me some information, please.
19:25I saw Burt Reynolds on something this evening
19:28and I wonder if you could please confirm that.
19:30A film.
19:31Valley of Dust.
19:33Burt Reynolds.
19:35No, no, no.
19:36B-U-R-T.
19:40I know Burt Reynolds when I see him
19:42and I tell you, that was Burt Reynolds.
19:44You can't help me.
19:45All right, thank you very much.
19:48Why don't you just give up?
19:50Give up?
19:51Give up?
19:53Never.
19:53I've got a bet on with Dame Edith Evans over there.
19:56You haven't.
19:57He didn't take it.
19:58There's only one way to settle this.
20:01He's using that phone again.
20:03You ought to make him buy it.
20:05International Directory.
20:08Hablo ingleses.
20:09Bueno.
20:11The United States of America, please.
20:14Los Angeles, Hollywood.
20:16I would like the phone number of Mr Burt Reynolds.
20:19I don't believe it.
20:21Those whom the gods seek to destroy, they first send mad.
20:27Euripides.
20:28Voltaire.
20:32Yes, Burt Reynolds.
20:34No, I'm sorry, we haven't got you's address.
20:36Oh, just a minute.
20:38Oi, Helen Mirren.
20:40What's Burt Reynolds' address?
20:42Well, how should I know?
20:43You're an actor.
20:44Well, what's that got to do with it?
20:45Burt Reynolds doesn't have my address.
20:47Nobody has your address.
20:47That's why you never get any work.
20:50I'm sorry, we haven't got you's address.
20:51Yes.
20:52Would you phone him and tell him that Mr Paul Merton from England
20:57would like to speak to him on a very important matter?
21:00Paul Merton.
21:02Merton.
21:03As in Merton and Morden.
21:05Near to, Sim.
21:06Yes.
21:07Would you tell him that I am the president of the Great Britain branch
21:10of the Burt Reynolds fan club?
21:12My telephone number is Malagar 755 2626.
21:19Gracias.
21:21We'll soon get to the truth now.
21:23Oh, you don't actually think he's going to ring back?
21:26Why not?
21:27Fan clubs are very important to these people.
21:29He's a businessman.
21:30He knows which side his wig's glued on.
21:34You've got to keep him with your public.
21:36It's people like us put water in his pool.
21:38He'll speak to me.
21:40And then, Greta Garbo, it'll be up yours, won't it?
21:43Dad?
21:44Yes, darling?
21:45Who is Henry VIII's third wife?
21:47Er, Jane Seymour.
21:49No, Anne Boleyn was his third wife.
21:52It was Jane Seymour. Anne Boleyn was his second wife.
21:55No, no, Anne of Cleves was his second wife.
21:57Anne of Cleves was his fourth wife.
21:59No, it was Katherine Howard.
22:00She was his fifth wife!
22:02How much you want to bet, eh?
22:03Cos don't try having a go at me history, I'll wipe the floor with you, mate.
22:06I'm not as good at films, I'm versatile.
22:08I was top of my class in history.
22:10Good God, what were the rest like?
22:13I specialised in English history, particularly the Jacobean period.
22:16So don't tell me about Henry VIII.
22:19Henry VIII was a Tudor.
22:22Only at the beginning of his reign.
22:24He changed over when he married Anne of Cleves, his second wife.
22:27His fourth wife, Anne Boleyn, was his second wife.
22:29No, Anne Boleyn was his third wife.
22:31Excuse me?
22:33What's Charles Lawton want?
22:36Steve's right again.
22:37Jane Seymour was his third wife.
22:39What do you know about it?
22:40I was in the television series.
22:42That's how I know.
22:43Oh, yes.
22:44Which Queen did you play, then?
22:48I was the court physician.
22:50I was the one who put the leeches on his leg.
22:52Oh, that's right.
22:52You won a BAFTA award for that, didn't you?
22:55No, but I took Anne Boleyn down the canteen for a sausage and a glass of wine.
22:59And that's how I know that she was his second wife.
23:03So, what shall I put down there?
23:05The correct answer.
23:06Anne Boleyn was Henry the Ape's third wife.
23:09Jane Seymour was his third wife.
23:11Anne Boleyn was his second wife.
23:12He chopped her head off.
23:14I wish someone would chop his head off.
23:18Debbie Reynolds hasn't phoned back yet, does she?
23:24There.
23:25I told you.
23:26I said he'd phoned back as soon as he knew it was me.
23:29Now.
23:31The moment of truth.
23:34Hello.
23:35Yes, this is he.
23:37Him.
23:38Me.
23:39Oh, there.
23:40Would you put him on, please?
23:42Hello, Mr Reynolds.
23:44He's joking.
23:49Sorry, no, I'm still here, yeah.
23:51Mr Reynolds, I'm the president of your fan club in Great Britain.
23:55Pardon?
23:56Oh, I'm sorry.
23:57I'll wake you up.
23:58Mid-day?
24:00We'll all be up anyway.
24:02Look, Bert.
24:03We've been watching The Valley of Dust starring John Wayne tonight.
24:06The one you were in.
24:07And I would like you to...
24:08The Valley of Dust.
24:10Yes, you were.
24:131976.
24:14It's the one where him and Lauren...
24:15Pardon?
24:17No, it was you.
24:18It was definitely you.
24:19I'll tell you the plot.
24:20You were playing this fellow.
24:22Will you listen?
24:23You were marvellous in it.
24:24Yeah, it was you.
24:26Look, don't you take that attitude with me, Bush.
24:28I bet it was you.
24:30All right, $50.
24:31Oh, if you want to bet your wallet, then $60.
24:33All right, then.
24:34I am not some kind of nut.
24:36All right, come on, then.
24:37Let's start from the beginning.
24:38Let's go through all your films, right?
24:40Smokey and a bandit.
24:42Deliverance.
24:43Smokey and a bandit, too.
24:45Smokey and a bandit, too.
24:48I tell you, it was Bert Reynolds!
25:10You can talk to me, too.
25:10Oh, if you want to find something, you can drive up.