- 2 days ago
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00:16I am not shouting, madam. I simply said it was not good enough. I'm not losing my temper.
00:24It's my job not to lose my temper. I'm required to be patient and understanding at all times.
00:30But there are limits. I certainly did not swear. I'm not allowed to.
00:37Which word? Ah, well, that was a Swahili word. Forget a move on.
00:42I realise I'm not out there now. Yes, but... Oh, don't... Look, I did not push the natives around.
00:50I know I'm in Tulse Hill now, madam.
00:54I'm merely trying to point out that your agency promised faithfully that the babysitter would be here by 7 o
00:58'clock.
00:58It is now half past. Where is she?
01:03I do beg your pardon.
01:04You see, my wife and I have an extremely important dinner engagement with the suffrage and bishop.
01:09I don't care whether that cuts any ice with you or not.
01:12And may I add, this is the last time we will use your agency.
01:17Pardon?
01:19Yeah, and you.
01:37Everything all right, dear?
01:40What does up your pipe mean?
01:42I have no idea. What did they say?
01:45Well, apparently she's on her way. She should be here any minute now.
01:48I hope she's competent.
01:50The last girl we had was useless.
01:52You did tell the agency we've got quads.
01:55Yes, and I stress the importance of sending an experienced woman.
01:58Perhaps we shouldn't go. I mean, they're teething.
02:01It's a bit much to expect a stranger to go.
02:03We have to go. It's very important.
02:05Well, make sure you leave the bishop's number.
02:07All right, but only for emergencies.
02:09You've made out a list of instructions.
02:11Nothing can go wrong unless the woman's a complete fool.
02:15At last!
02:23How do you do?
02:24Would I be wrong in assuming I'm addressing Mrs Elsie...
02:27Oh, no, sorry, that was yesterday.
02:29The very Reverend Michael J. Faforks, Doctor of Divinity, Cantab?
02:33I am here.
02:35Your eminence.
02:38I'm sorry, I have an urgent appointment.
02:41I haven't time to bless any more motorcycles today.
02:44No, no, you've got it all wrong, Squire.
02:45I was given to understand that you wish to avail yourself of the services of a temporary infant custodian.
02:50Oh, I see. You brought the babysitter.
02:52Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?
02:55No, no, no, no. Wrong again, Squire.
02:57I am she.
02:58Or he.
02:58Or it.
02:59I would have got here sooner, but my progress was impeded by a march past of homeless people.
03:04What they've been doing on the streets is anybody's guess.
03:07I had to buy 14 copies of The Big Issue before I could get through.
03:10You?
03:11The babysitter?
03:12Here's my card.
03:13Porter J. Mermerton.
03:15Number 10 school, St Helio Estate, GCE Feld.
03:18Babysitting to the gentry and rent a blonde escort service, should you feel so inclined.
03:24Now, if you'd care to show me where your little cherub is, you can whip off your ecclesiastical booze up.
03:28Cop.
03:30I'm sorry, there must be some mistake.
03:32I was led to expect an experienced young woman.
03:35Oh, you should have tried to rent a blonde escort service then, shouldn't you?
03:39There's a trouble having them both on the same phone number.
03:42What size did you require?
03:44I want a babysitter.
03:45What, as well as or instead of?
03:46Instead of.
03:47I want a female babysitter.
03:49This is sexual discrimination.
03:51This is sexism gone mad.
03:53You've got birds doing your job.
03:54What's wrong with us being babysitters?
03:56I shall report this to the General Synod, the European Court of Justice and the Vicar of Dibley.
04:01I'm sorry, I don't think you're the right sort of person for the job.
04:04Don't let the looks deceive you.
04:06I've been responsible for more babies than a nine-year-old rabbit.
04:10Apart from anything else, you're late.
04:12And the woman at the agency was extremely abusive, anti-clerical and, in my opinion, a communist.
04:19I don't care, sir. You're talking about my mother, Red Maggie Merton.
04:22The finest woman ever to bring down three mounted policemen in one charge.
04:27She was the one charging.
04:29Ah, wonderful woman.
04:31Eighteen stone of Marxist motherhood.
04:33Not just an ugly face.
04:34A legend during the tooting riots.
04:37Loved and revered throughout the South East.
04:39The Eva Peron of Worcester Park.
04:41Nuts.
04:42Magic powers have been attributed to her.
04:45Old men with aft right just queue up to touch the end of her tracksuit.
04:49Stick to theology, Vicar. You're dealing with something you don't understand.
04:52Ah, but time is of the essence.
04:54I am being paid by the hour,
04:56and you are in danger of missing your half a melon with a cherry sack in the middle.
04:59If I may first inspect the premises.
05:02Ah, yes. Very nice. Very pontifical.
05:06Large screen TV. Good.
05:09Comfortable set-y.
05:11Excellent.
05:12Now, where is it?
05:14Ah.
05:22What are you doing?
05:24You can't fool me. I've seen these in the colour supplements.
05:27Open up at the equator to reveal a well-stocked cocktail cabinet.
05:30That happens to be an 18th century terrestrial globe.
05:34Then where is the liquor, Vicar?
05:37The cocktail cabinet is over there.
05:42It's locked.
05:43Yes.
05:44And it's going to remain locked.
05:46Very sensible.
05:47Nothing more reprehensible than a drunken babysitter.
05:51Ah, reeded matter.
05:52Good.
05:53Nothing too liturgical, I trust.
05:55Through darkest Africa with sketchpad and torch.
05:59From Cairo to the Cape with cassock and camel.
06:03The Pygmy Nation is Christianity above their heads.
06:07There are no such titles up there.
06:10Oh, no. I was testing you.
06:11See if you read them off. They're just up there for show.
06:14One side, please.
06:20Could you move the television round a bit?
06:27A bit more.
06:31Perfect.
06:32I accept the engagement.
06:36Who is this?
06:38This is the babysitter.
06:41All right.
06:43I'm not going.
06:45You're not, madam.
06:47That's a lovely daughter you've got here.
06:52She is not my daughter.
06:53Oh, you don't need to rent a blonde escort service, do you?
06:57She is my wife.
06:58Oh, the vicaress.
07:00We've been going in for a little bit of font snatching, haven't we?
07:04And why not?
07:07There's many a good hymn come out of an old organ.
07:11Michael, I will not let this person take charge of my babies.
07:14Babies?
07:15Do I detect the plural?
07:17You mean to say there is more than one for forks?
07:19We have four.
07:21Four for forks?
07:25Fantastic.
07:26One more and you're entitled to a star in the Michelin guide.
07:29So you can see it's quite out of the question.
07:32Nonsense.
07:32I, too, come from a large family.
07:34My mother had eleven children.
07:36Five boys, five girls and a steward on the QE2.
07:39You have no choice, darling.
07:41We're already very late.
07:42Look, you go.
07:43I'll stay.
07:44Your concern for your offspring is very touching, madam.
07:47Allow me to allay your fears.
07:49This is my Bible.
07:50I never go on an assignment without it.
07:53I've read that from cover to cover ten times.
07:56Dr Spock.
07:57Yes.
07:57And I don't mean the bloke with the funny ears.
08:00I mean the world's foremost expert on childcare,
08:03if you'd like to read the inscription.
08:07To Paul, thank you for all your help.
08:11Regards, Spocky.
08:13Can't say fairer than that, can I?
08:15Property of Wandsworth Public Library.
08:17Yes, I know.
08:19Right, well, do I get the job or not?
08:22Well, we'll never get anybody else at this time of night.
08:24I'll tell you what I'll do.
08:25I'll do you a special offer.
08:26I'll look after four for the price of one with a built-in guarantee.
08:30If, when you come back, they're not all here,
08:31you can have your money back.
08:32Now, I can't say fairer than that, can I?
08:34Now, what are the names of my little charges?
08:37They're quads.
08:38Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
08:39Went to bed with their napkins on, eh?
08:42The jokes are included in the overall price.
08:45No, no, I'll get it.
08:49Hello, you have reached the Fafox residence.
08:51This is the infant minder speaking.
08:54It's for you, Vic.
08:56It's the bishop.
08:57I think he's got the ecclesiastical lamp.
09:00Hello?
09:02Yes, I'm terribly sorry, Your Grace.
09:04Yes, we're on our way.
09:05Yes, I'm sure you are.
09:07We're quite hungry ourselves.
09:10In about 15 minutes.
09:12Bye.
09:13The old ecclesiastical guts rumbling, are they?
09:15We must go, dear.
09:16We'll have to take a chance.
09:17Yes, all right.
09:19We're going to have to trust you.
09:22Now, this is an intercom in direct contact with up there.
09:31Goodness me, sir, that's where you get your guidance from.
09:34What's he like?
09:35Is he really an old man with a white beard?
09:38The children's bedroom.
09:39Oh, sorry, says silly me.
09:40Yes, yes.
09:41Can you hear anything?
09:43No.
09:44That means they're asleep.
09:45If they wake up and start crying, you'll be able to hear them.
09:48Remarkable.
09:48So keep it switched on all the time.
09:51Roger.
09:51We'll be home by 11 o'clock.
09:53Now, you're not to worry about a thing.
09:55Your four little disciples will be in very safe hands.
09:58I've never lost a baby in 28 outings.
10:01Clear round every time.
10:02Now, can I suggest you go that way and miss the marchers?
10:05You don't want to be trampled by a horde of homeless heretics.
10:09Have a good evening.
10:10Enjoy the party.
10:11And no wife-swapping.
10:14You'll be on the lose who I've seen is.
10:41Go up!
10:42Go up!
10:46Go up!
10:47Go up!
11:03Go up!
11:05His taste in wine is similar to his taste in women.
11:09Full-bodied and fruity.
11:14Oh, what load of old pony.
11:16I can't watch this rubbish all night waiting for the monkey adverts to come on.
11:19So that follows a party political broadcast.
11:22Blimey, they are on.
11:26Another couple of hours.
11:37I don't know what to do.
11:40I wonder if Mum's got any rent-of-bloms left.
11:43No, no, not with that medical conference on.
11:46There'll be a few cases of physician heal thyself next week.
11:53Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish.
11:59Confessions of a stripper?
12:03Confessions of St Peter?
12:07Oh, I don't know.
12:09I wonder what he's got in here.
12:23Correspondence, personal and private.
12:27Dear Vicar, I am one of your parishioners and I have a problem.
12:30I am too embarrassed to go to the Marriage Guidance Council and you are the only one I can turn
12:35to.
12:36This sounds good.
12:38I am 27 years old and I enclose a photo of myself.
12:43Very nice.
12:45My husband has lost interest but I haven't.
12:47It is causing me a great deal of mental stress.
12:49What shall I do?
12:50Oh, dear.
12:55Dear parishioner,
12:56I am sorry to hear about your problem.
12:59Unfortunately, I am very busy at the moment.
13:02However, I will be sending my verger, Mr. Merton,
13:08round to administer to your spiritual needs one afternoon when your husband's at work.
13:15Place a copy of the TV Times in the window if it's safe for him to enter.
13:20Yours sincerely,
13:21Michael for Forks,
13:23D.D.,
13:23Canteen and Bar.
13:30I am in the wrong business.
13:33Dear Vicar,
13:34Welcome to the parish.
13:35I saw you on Sunday.
13:37I know it is wrong but I have fallen in love with you and I would like to...
13:44He ought to get danger money.
13:49Dear parishioner,
13:50This is madness.
13:51It cannot be.
13:52I will be sending my verger, Mr. Merton,
13:56round to administer to your spiritual needs.
13:59Hang your app on the door knocker if it's safe for him to come in.
14:02Yours sincerely,
14:04I don't know.
14:05That's Monday and Tuesday taken care of.
14:08Dear Vicar,
14:10Could you please christen our little Ronnie on...
14:13Oh, that's more like it.
14:15Wednesday,
14:16Thursday,
14:17Friday,
14:18Saturday and...
14:20No, no, no.
14:21Sunday is a day of rest.
14:26It's a good job I've got a motorbike.
14:33All quiet on the western front.
14:36I suppose I'd better go and have a count-up.
14:47One, two, three, four.
14:49All present and correct.
15:03Oh, yes.
15:04Very beautitudinal.
15:18I've always fancied myself in one of these.
15:21Peace be with you, my son.
15:24Very dodgy falling off the motorbike in one of these collars.
15:28The ambulance men are liable to try and twist your head back the right way.
15:34Now, what else has he got?
15:50Oh, thank God, Vicar!
15:52Oh, Vicar, Vicar, help me, help me!
15:54Madam, please control yourself.
15:55Close the door!
15:56Don't let her get me!
15:56Oi, don't go in there!
15:58Oh, she's after me!
15:59Who?
15:59My boyfriend's girlfriend.
16:01Well, you're your boyfriend's girlfriend, surely?
16:02I was this morning, but I'm not now.
16:04She is.
16:05And she's after me.
16:06Look at what she's done to me.
16:07Look at the state I'm in.
16:09I've been right mullered.
16:10You're bleeding.
16:11I know.
16:11I'm not surprised.
16:12She gave me a Glasgow kiss and the studs in her nose got caught in the safety pin through
16:16my ear hole.
16:17It's Jane Austen all over again.
16:19Well, she can have him as far as I'm concerned.
16:22Who?
16:22Keith.
16:24When I think of all I've done for him, he had the best two weeks of my life, that man.
16:29I'm finished with him.
16:31Very wise.
16:31Shall I cancel the bands?
16:32Here, are you got anything to drink in this, Gav?
16:34Certainly.
16:35We've got a sacrificial bottle of Nouveau Beaujolais, some whiskey and holy water.
16:40You name it.
16:41I'll have a margarita.
16:42Certainly.
16:43What is it?
16:44Cointreau, triple sec, tequila, lime juice, oh, and salt round your head.
16:49You sure you wouldn't like 20 Bensons and a packet of crisps?
16:52This is the Vicarage, not the Rat and Carrot.
16:55Here we are.
16:55You'll have to make do with this.
16:57Bottle of Blue Nun.
17:02Here we are.
17:03Get outside, that.
17:07Here, what are you doing?
17:09The thing I'm doing.
17:11Oh.
17:13Snout.
17:14Oh.
17:30Well, we'd better see her back getting you home.
17:32No.
17:33I don't want to go home.
17:35I want to stay here.
17:36With you.
17:37You can't stay here.
17:38I'm not going out there.
17:39She might be waiting for me.
17:41Well, go down to the police station.
17:42Make her complain.
17:43Why?
17:43You haven't done anything yet.
17:45Not me.
17:46Her.
17:47I wouldn't mind if you did, though.
17:49You can, if you like.
17:51I wouldn't grass on you.
17:52Will you take your hand off my cassock?
17:54There's something about Vickers that really gets me going.
17:58Oh, blimey.
17:59Not you as well.
18:00What's wrong with the women round here?
18:02Isn't it marvellous?
18:03700 pounds down the Armani Emporium.
18:06Nothing.
18:06Stick a dog collar on.
18:07You've got to beat them off with candlesticks.
18:09Don't just send me away.
18:11Let me stay here with you.
18:13You won't regret it.
18:14Get back.
18:14Get back.
18:16Back.
18:16Yes.
18:17Yes.
18:19Go on.
18:20You don't want to end up a pile of dust.
18:21Go home before I throw a load of garlic over you.
18:23I can't go out like this.
18:24I've got my reputation to think of.
18:26Oh, yes.
18:27That's worth defending, isn't it?
18:29I don't know.
18:29You're quite right.
18:30You can't leave the Vicarage in that state.
18:31Harry Seacombe might see you.
18:33Hi.
18:34Look at me.
18:35Get thee behind me, missus.
18:38Go on.
18:38Get upstairs.
18:39Tidy yourself up.
18:40Oh.
18:44Go on.
18:45All right.
18:46Sexy.
18:48Take your clothes off.
18:49Get in the bath.
18:50I'll see you in a minute.
18:53Vicar, who were you talking to?
18:55Oh, um, my children.
18:57Yes.
18:58We were given to understand your children were only six months old.
19:02That's right.
19:03Yes.
19:03And they bath themselves?
19:06It's the school milk.
19:08They're very advanced for their age.
19:11So what do I owe the company of your pleasure, ladies?
19:13Oh, yes.
19:13We have come round on behalf of the Women's Church Guild to welcome you and your family to this parish.
19:20Very ecumenical, yeah.
19:22Good night.
19:22I'll see you tomorrow at Mattins.
19:24We were hoping to meet your wife.
19:26No, she's not here.
19:27She's just popped out.
19:28We don't mind waiting.
19:29She's popped out all evening.
19:31Oh, yes.
19:31It's an all evening pop-out, this one.
19:34You are new to the parish, and you will find there is much sin to combat here in St. Olaf's.
19:41Sins of all description will find me a worthy adversary.
19:44My credo is the family, home, and the sanctity of marriage for as long as we both shall live.
19:50Here, vicar, would your wife mind if I borrowed her underwear?
19:53Sandra Evans, what are you doing here?
19:56Oh, my God.
20:03As I was saying, sin of all description will...
20:05That, that, that, that, that girl is...
20:07What girl?
20:08Sandra Evans, naked.
20:10Girl?
20:11I see no girl.
20:12A manifestation, madam.
20:13The place is haunted.
20:14There's mystic megs everywhere.
20:16I shall personally exorcise them in the morning.
20:19You'll be thrown out in the morning.
20:21I shall go to the Archbishop myself.
20:23If you have but one shred of decency, you will send that girl home at once.
20:29Oh, your poor, poor wife.
20:32Come, Bildred.
20:35Beelzebub.
20:36Get back to Africa.
20:40Ladies, look, you don't understand.
20:42Allow me to take my cassock off and all will be revealed to you.
20:46I didn't mean that.
20:48I'm all sex mad round here.
20:57Well, the bingo's finished early tonight.
21:05Are you the new vicar?
21:07You're not Keefe, are you?
21:08I'm from the evening echo.
21:09I like your comments on what's happened.
21:11Well, I'm totally innocent.
21:12This girl came rushing in and the first thing I knew was...
21:14No, no, no.
21:15I'm talking about out here.
21:16All those people who have marched down here have been squatting on your doorstep.
21:20I can't see anything.
21:22I am talking about the poor, unfortunate wretches who have just been evicted.
21:27Whole families thrown out of derelict houses onto the streets.
21:29Is the church going to stand by and do nothing?
21:31Very likely.
21:33What has become of faith, hope and charity?
21:35They're on gladiators, surely.
21:39The big girls and the leotards.
21:40Are you going to take them in or not?
21:42That's what my readers want to know.
21:43Good night, vicar.
21:44I feel much better now.
21:47Sandra Evans?
21:48What's she been doing here?
21:49Well, she was in distress and she needed a shoulder to cry on.
21:53And you gave her one?
21:54I did not.
21:57Oh, sorry.
21:57I see what you mean.
21:58Oh, yes, yes, definitely.
21:59Do I smell a story here?
22:01No, you don't, no.
22:02Now, what about these people out here?
22:04Oh, let them all in.
22:04I don't give them monkeys.
22:05All right, Sergeant.
22:06You can let them come in.
22:07Congratulations, Reverend.
22:08The church could do with more vicars like you.
22:11Dominus Vibiscum, my son.
22:14All right.
22:18Baby's upstairs, first door on the left.
22:20Pitting on the right, land straight through.
22:22Here you come.
22:24Oh, there you go.
22:25Cheers.
22:27And he thinks I should abandon the tribe of Israel
22:29and quit the land of Egypt before the Pharaoh gets back.
22:35Now, just sit down, help yourself.
22:37There's a nice flyer there.
22:38Carpies on the floor.
22:48Oh, my babies.
22:51My babies.
22:52What is the meaning of this?
22:54Oh, there you are, squire.
22:55Have a good time.
22:56Good.
22:56I'll be off then.
22:57Who are these people?
22:58Some parishioners.
22:59They've come to welcome you.
23:01Just like to say, you're doing a very good job, vicar.
23:03Keep up the good work.
23:06My babies.
23:07My babies.
23:08Well, they're up there, surely.
23:10There are 16 of them up there.
23:12Which ones are mine?
23:13Probably the ones about any fleas.
23:15Fleas!
23:16Get out!
23:18Oh, just one thing.
23:19Two and a half hours.
23:20That'll be £12.50.
23:21Get out!
23:22That'll be 18.
23:23Out!
23:24All right, then.
23:27Who are you?
23:28My name is Keith.
23:30Good luck.
23:32Two ladies from the church women's gold.
23:34Tell me you have one of my girlfriends naked in here.
23:37Where is she?
23:38How should I know?
23:39There are dozens here.
23:41You filthy swine!
23:51I'll try and get him into a Boston Crab if I were you.
23:55Here are some of my cards.
23:56You will tell your friends, won't you?
23:57The number's on the back.
23:59God bless you.
24:01Your shoe needs mending.
24:30I'll try and get it.
24:32I'll try and get it.