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00:04Oh, my God.
00:39Excuse me. I'm in a terrible hurry. Can you tell me the best way to get to Tottenham Court Road?
00:43Well, if you're in a hurry, the best thing to do is go very, very quickly.
00:45Thanks for watching.
00:49I've always been asked for advice, you know. I think it's because, essentially, I'm very practical.
00:53A few years ago, I was driving to a party with my girlfriend when she got a ladder in her
00:57stockings.
00:57I didn't hesitate. She spent the rest of the evening wearing a fan belt.
01:03I've got a problem. I want some advice. My next-door neighbour keeps staring at me.
01:07Yeah, but I'm your next-door neighbour.
01:08Yeah, and you're doing it again.
01:10Yeah, well, I like it.
01:11Stare, stare, stare, stare, stare. Go on clear off.
01:13You're staring at me all the time.
01:14Look, I'm staring at you with my eyes shut. That's how good I am.
01:17Stare? I'll stare at you when you're not even looking.
01:19Oh, I'll stare at you when you're not even here.
01:22How about that? You won't be able to work that one out.
01:23You're not a head case you were staring.
01:24Yeah, you know what? I didn't see you yesterday.
01:26What?
01:26That was me staring at you.
01:29I used to be an actor, you know.
01:30Oh, yeah, yeah.
01:31I once played the part of Julius Caesar.
01:34At one point, as I was being stabbed, I had to say the line,
01:37Et tu, Brute?
01:39Which translated means, don't you start.
01:42Don't you stare at me?
01:43I'm staring at you.
01:54I'm staring at you.
02:04Look, we've got to stay awake.
02:06If we can stay awake, there's a chance we'll survive.
02:08Let's have another round of trivial pursuit.
02:12Right, Curtis.
02:13Who won the Eurowritten Song Contest in 1967?
02:16You can't answer, sir. He's dead.
02:18Sure.
02:19Come on, Curtis. Have a guess.
02:21He's been dead for two hours.
02:23All right, then.
02:24Sport. Curtis.
02:25Who scored the limbo in the upper God's sake?
02:27Why didn't you put him over the side?
02:29You're the captain, aren't you?
02:31That's right.
02:32I am the captain.
02:33I still give the orders around here.
02:36May God rest his soul.
02:41You unfeeling swine.
02:44Curtis is dead.
02:46Yes.
02:46So why did you push Nugent over the side?
02:49Nugent?
02:52He was only having a nap.
02:53All right, anyone can make a mistake.
02:55Yeah, but you keep making them, don't you?
02:56What do you mean?
02:57It was you that took on a cargo of half a million bags of custard powder.
03:01I didn't know the hold had sprung a leak.
03:03I didn't know custard was a bore till it started coming through the air conditioning.
03:07I've never seen so much custard.
03:09You should have closed the watertight doors.
03:10They were no good.
03:11We needed custardtight doors.
03:13All right.
03:13Stop going on about the custard.
03:15Custard on the floor?
03:16Look, let's change the subject.
03:18You.
03:18Which sign of the zodiac is represented by a pair of scales?
03:22If you don't answer, I'll deduct five points.
03:24That's Curtis, sir, and he's still dead.
03:27All right, then keep the points.
03:29Now, who's on lookout?
03:30Oh, nothing to report, sir.
03:32Except for a 15-mile custard slick heading this way.
03:37Wait a second.
03:38There's a ship on the horizon.
03:39Quick, send up a flare.
03:40Who's got the flare gun?
03:41Uh, Curtis has got it.
03:42It's in his trouser pocket.
03:43Well, get it.
03:44I'm not putting me hand in a dead man's trousers.
03:46Besides rigor, Mortis is settling.
03:48You'll never get it out now.
03:49Look, all you've got to do is put your hand in his pocket,
03:51point his leg up into the sky and pull the trigger.
03:52Well, I'm not doing that.
03:53That's an order.
03:54Well, I'm disobeying that order.
03:56And what's more, I'm taking command of this vessel.
03:58I'm relieving you of your captaincy.
03:59All right, you'd better have the hat, then.
04:00Right.
04:01Now that I'm in charge, I order you to get the flare gun.
04:04I'm disobeying that order.
04:05And what's more, I'm taking command of this vessel.
04:07I'm relieving you of your captaincy.
04:08Well, you'd better have the hat back, then.
04:09All right, then.
04:10Now, get that flare gun.
04:11Oh, it's too late.
04:12The ship's gone.
04:16It's 0800 hours.
04:17Who's got the rations?
04:18Nugent has.
04:19And you've pushed him over to side.
04:22All right, then.
04:22There's only one thing for it.
04:24Ellis.
04:28Now, who wants custard?
04:34That's not bad, actually, is it?
04:43Well, it's all right.
04:43I can sell that.
04:45I never trust the meat in hamburgers.
04:48The number of times I've lent it money.
04:52You never get it back.
04:54You know all the meat that's not good enough to put into hamburgers?
04:57Well, what they do is they get it all together, press it down, and make hamburgers out of it.
05:02And the bits that are left over from that are made into suits.
05:07Now, there are people walking around wearing beef suits.
05:11Beef suits with pork trousers and ham shirts.
05:15Spot them on a hot day.
05:17They're the ones sweating gravy.
05:20Excuse me, these are photographs you developed for me last week.
05:23What about them?
05:24Well, there's a sort of orange light all over them.
05:26Yeah, but that's your fault for trying to take pictures on Neptune.
05:29Nobody told me.
05:30Oh, go on, clear off.
05:36I was watching television the other night, and the newsreader said,
05:39for those of you who don't want to know the result of tonight's televised FA Cup tie,
05:44please turn away from the screen.
05:46Leeds 1, Tottenham 2.
05:50Here's a good book.
05:51Statistics Made Interesting.
05:54What am I talking about?
05:55It's not interesting at all.
05:56Here's a better one.
05:57Statistics Made More Interesting, right?
06:00It says here that a swordfish has never been known to crash a car.
06:09And there are less car accidents in Peterborough than anywhere else.
06:13Well, I've never been to Peterborough,
06:15but I'm willing to bet it's full of swordfish driving mini-metros.
06:19It's got to be a step in the right direction.
06:25Well, Father, what do you suppose the new headmaster's going to be like?
06:29Mr. Beaumont?
06:31A classics man, I should imagine.
06:33I understand he recently turned down Eton.
06:36Said it wasn't traditional enough.
06:38You won't find any lack of tradition here at St. Boniface.
06:40Still, he is a bit of a mystery man.
06:43Did anybody here know him?
06:45I heard that last year he published a thesis about the influence of Plutarch on Western democracy in nine volumes.
06:53I looked him up in Who's Who.
06:56Apparently, his hobbies include translating classical Chinese into Coptic verse.
07:02Sounds just what we need.
07:04A firm believer in traditional values.
07:06Yes, but also with a supreme intellect.
07:11Oi!
07:15What burt left that bicycle lying about?
07:17I nearly broke me flaming neck.
07:20Can we help you?
07:21Yeah, name's Beaumont.
07:23Mr. Beaumont!
07:26Welcome!
07:27I'm Fowler, maths department.
07:29Maths, eh?
07:30What's two and two?
07:32Four!
07:32Good, you'll do for me.
07:34Who are you?
07:35Simpsons, sir, games.
07:36Games, eh?
07:37Tell me, Simpson, you ever done boxing?
07:38No, sir.
07:42You haven't heard that.
07:45Come on, who else wants to go?
07:46Come on, come on.
07:47Come on, you're like a bunch of old women.
07:49Women!
07:53What's the matter with him?
07:54Oh, that's Mr. Jago.
07:55He can't abide the idea of women teachers.
07:58Really?
07:58Who are you?
07:59Soper, sir.
08:00French and German.
08:02Blimey, your mum got about a bit.
08:05No, sir, I teach French and German.
08:08Oh, I see.
08:08Well, let's have a bit of French, then.
08:11Um, bonjour, Monsieur Beaumont.
08:13Et bienvenue à notre accol.
08:15That's not French.
08:17No, you're going to have to do better than that.
08:19The days have gone when you can just make up a load of mumbo-jumbo
08:22and pass it off as French.
08:24That's rubbish.
08:25Is he all right?
08:26I think he's coming round.
08:27Good.
08:28Women.
08:29Oh!
08:32Oi, Fowler.
08:33Yes?
08:34What are three sevens?
08:35Er, 21.
08:37Yeah, but you had to think about it, though, didn't you, eh?
08:38You're all right, the adding up.
08:39You can't do the multiplication, though.
08:41This place is a shambles.
08:43The trouble with this school is you don't give education to those who need it the most.
08:46Who's there?
08:47Antelopes.
08:49Do you know, in the last 20 years, how many antelopes have passed O-Level Spanish?
08:54I can't say.
08:55Four.
08:57And three of them cheated.
08:59Right, we're going to have to make some changes round here, I can tell you.
09:02We're going to have some new lessons in for a star O-Level dentistry.
09:05Why would we need that?
09:10See?
09:11That could be your own work.
09:15Headmaster, I really must protest.
09:18Headmaster?
09:18Me?
09:19I'm not the headmaster.
09:21I'm the new caretaker.
09:23Caretaker?
09:23No, I'm only joking, I am the new headmaster.
09:26Or am I?
09:27You don't know, do you?
09:28Am I the caretaker or the new headmaster?
09:30You don't know whether to be happy or sad, do you?
09:32Oh, this is incolourable.
09:34Oh, I admit it, I am the new caretaker.
09:36Only come in to get your bin.
09:37Mind you, I had you going, though, didn't I?
09:40Women.
09:40Oh!
09:44Well, that's a blessed relief.
09:46Poor old Jago.
09:47Yes.
09:49Imagine someone like that being a headmaster.
09:52All right, my name's Bowman, I'm the new headmaster.
09:56My brother, the caretaker, been in.
09:58Oh!
09:59Oh!
10:20I read in the paper the other day, there's a bull in Wiltshire that's trying to have sex
10:25with an electricity pile-on.
10:28I don't blame it.
10:29I find them very attractive myself.
10:32There's a nice little number right down the end of our street.
10:34High voltage.
10:35Lovely.
10:37I thought I'd taken her to the pictures, but the trouble is she's 150 foot tall and we're
10:41bound to end in front of some bloke who complains because he can't see the screen.
10:44So I've got a little inflatable pile-on at home called Rack-Ell.
10:51She's lovely.
10:53Of course, if this bull ever does succeed in mating with an electricity pile-on, you could
10:57end up with electric cattle.
10:59And all you'd need was a single calf in your kitchen to power a food blender.
11:04Mind you, using a walkman might be a bit tricky.
11:07You'd have to walk down the street carrying a couple of nine-volt heifers.
11:13Oh, there you are, Doctor.
11:14Yes.
11:15Any luck with the Swinnerton murders?
11:17Yes.
11:18The contents of this test tube have proved that Alan Cartwright could not have committed
11:22the murder.
11:23Ah.
11:23And the contents of this test tube have proved that Brian Cartwright could not have committed
11:27the murder.
11:29Just one thing, Doctor.
11:30Are the Cartwrights?
11:31I've never heard of them.
11:33Well, as you didn't have any suspects, I've been testing the entire population of Great
11:36Britain in alphabetical order.
11:38I've had them queuing up outside.
11:40Just my luck, the murderer will be somebody called Zanook.
11:44Still, I managed to build up a psychological profile of our killer.
11:48Well, that's good news.
11:49He's a man, or woman, whose height is somewhere between three foot eight and seven foot two.
11:57That rules out Jack nine feet tall McGuinness, then.
12:00And the killer's hobbies are likely to include classical music, trainspotting, and murdering
12:07people.
12:08Murdering people?
12:09Yes.
12:10And the weird thing is, when you catch this killer, they'll probably deny having anything
12:14to do with the murder.
12:16So, all we've got to do is find somebody who denies committing these murders, and that's
12:21our man.
12:22Exactly.
12:23Well, we've got to have a bit of information for you.
12:25I don't know if it's any good to you.
12:27The killer lives at 15 Westfield Terrace.
12:30Right.
12:32Better start house-to-house inquiry, see if anybody's heard of this address.
12:36I'd start at 17 Westfield Terrace, if I were you.
12:38Just a hundred, you understand.
12:40Yeah, thank you, Doctor, but we do have our own way of carrying on these inquiries.
12:45Now, about this body we pulled out the Thames last week, still no clue as to who it is.
12:51No, there's a rather bizarre thing about that, because when you pull that body out of the
12:54river, it was no more than a skeleton.
12:56So?
12:57So somebody must have seen that skeleton walking down to the river.
13:03Or perhaps travelling on a bus.
13:07Now, he didn't get on a bus.
13:09Where would he keep his change?
13:11Hmm.
13:12Now, we've tried staging reconstructions to jog people's memories.
13:16Yes, but the trouble is, because we didn't know the exact time of death, we've had actors
13:21jumping into the river every 20 minutes on a rope system.
13:2572 actors dead.
13:28We wouldn't be able to identify them either if I hadn't made them wear name tags.
13:32So am I to understand that you haven't been able to identify the original body?
13:36Well, we haven't got much to go on, but by using the latest techniques available, I've
13:40been able to recreate what this man must have looked like when he was alive.
13:48That's my brother!
13:51I can see the likeness now you mention it.
14:03Do you know, there's all kinds of rubbish floating around in outer space.
14:10Bits of rocket, old satellites.
14:12But the majority of the rubbish comes from manned space stations.
14:16Well, I suppose it's obvious, really, isn't it?
14:18An astronaut puts the dustbin out late at night.
14:21He forgets there's no gravity and the lid floats on.
14:23It's only could happen to anybody.
14:25There's been murder up there.
14:27Half-eating kippers flying around at the speed of light.
14:30Have you noticed that when the space shuttle lands, you never see an astronaut get out to
14:35empty his ashtray?
14:37No, he can't be bothered with all that.
14:38He's too big for that.
14:40No, what he does, when he's on the journey, he just chucks it out the rocket window when
14:42nobody's looking.
14:43And all these astronomers looking at the Milky Way.
14:46It's really fag-ash.
14:50Do you know that one of the rings around Saturn is actually made of quality street wrappers?
14:56Well, I reckon that NASA should clear it up.
14:58It's their rubbish.
14:59But will they, will they, heck?
15:01I mean, they won't do a proper job on it.
15:02They'll just sweep it up into one big pile and stick it behind the moon when nobody's looking.
15:09What's he saying?
15:11Something about a breakout on Saturday night.
15:13It's a bit confused.
15:17Lights out!
15:25Super hologram kit.
15:27In-house entertainment for the 21st century.
15:31I expect the kids will break this in five minutes.
15:33Yeah.
15:34I never got anything like this when I was a kid.
15:36All I got was a sack of walnuts and a crash helmet.
15:41Still, I suppose we'd better get to sleep before they start screaming their heads off at
15:44five o'clock in the morning.
15:48Oh, God, they're up already.
15:51Want a cup of tea, love?
15:53Mm.
16:01Face, Megadeth, scumsocker!
16:05Billy, come here.
16:06Yes, Dad.
16:07Is this your hologram?
16:09Yes, Dad.
16:10Don't play it in the kitchen.
16:12What?
16:16Here's your present, Dad.
16:18Oh, great.
16:18What is it?
16:19Socks.
16:20Oh, lovely.
16:23Katie, I don't want a ballerina in the living room.
16:28It's so good.
16:30That's better.
16:31And where's my present?
16:34I got you some socks, Dad.
16:36Oh, what a surprise.
16:39Oh, what a surprise.
16:51Happy Christmas, Dad.
16:53Oh, lovely.
16:54Another pair of socks.
16:57Number one is the egg, because you need one egg.
17:00Number three is the egg, and number five is the flower.
17:05These holograms are ever so good.
17:07They're much better than videos.
17:09Yeah, in moderation.
17:11Face, Megadeth, scumsocker!
17:14Here, can you turn the volume off on Delia Smith?
17:17Come, fuck off!
17:17If you just let the flower go in, little by this, while you keep stirring, a little bit
17:22of flower, and another little bit of flower.
17:25Where's my Christmas present?
17:27Oh, I think I must have left it in the abattoir.
17:29I think Father Christmas put it in the shed.
17:32Dad'll just go and check, won't he?
17:34Yeah, all right.
17:35And tease yourself.
17:38Thank you very much.
17:39Oh, this is hot.
17:40I'm going to take it out of the oven.
17:44I don't know, it gets worse every year.
17:47I spend a fortune on their presents, and all I get is socks.
17:51Socks, socks, socks, socks.
17:54I wonder if I can get my feet amputated in time for next Christmas.
18:07He's not mucking about with his other friends!
18:17I'm going to turn off all these holograms right now.
18:20Liquid.
18:24Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
18:26Oh, no, not another one.
18:28How many more of these holograms have you got?
18:32I am not a hologram.
18:34I really am Father Christmas.
18:37What?
18:37You've stopped believing in me, haven't you?
18:40Christmas isn't about expensive toys and electronic games.
18:44Christmas is about simple gifts, given with love.
18:51Like an orange.
18:55Or any whistle.
18:58Or a nice coat.
19:00Or a pair of socks.
19:09Jim, you've left these holograms on again.
19:13Sorry, darling.
19:20I've just had my eyes tested by the fire brigade.
19:25Apparently this one's inflammable.
19:28I've got to keep crying in case a fire breaks out.
19:32The other day I said to this bloke...
19:34I've come to collect a blazer and a pair of trousers.
19:36Have you got your ticket?
19:37No, I lost it.
19:39It was a blue blazer with gold buttons
19:42and an RAF badge on the breast pocket.
19:46Well, I have got a blazer like that,
19:48but I couldn't let you have it unless you can prove it's yours, you see.
19:50Well, how can I do that?
19:51What stains are there, haven't it?
19:54Oh, really?
19:56There was some clotted cream on the right lapel.
19:59Yeah, yeah.
20:02And there's some gravy on the sleeve.
20:05Yeah, that's not the stain I'm talking about.
20:11I, uh, I don't know.
20:12On the trousers.
20:13No, that was, how can I say?
20:16It was, uh...
20:18Oh, just keep the ruddy things then.
20:21I don't know what he was so embarrassed about.
20:24It was only wallpaper paste.
20:30Gentlemen, the Queen.
20:34The Queen!
20:34The Queen!
20:38Now, we in the Royal Regiment of Cowards
20:40have survived another year without having to do any fighting.
20:45But I think this should be brought to your attention.
20:47Part in, turn!
20:52What are you standing up for?
20:53You wanted us to stand to attention, sir.
20:55Well, no, no, no, that was just a figure of speech.
20:56Oh, we didn't know that.
20:58Oh, sorry.
21:00Sadly, Lieutenant Turn cannot be with us tonight.
21:03But I think there's something you should all know about, Turn.
21:05About Turn!
21:06No, no.
21:09No, no.
21:10That wasn't an order.
21:11Oh.
21:12Well, how do we know when you're giving an order and not using a figure of speech?
21:15All right.
21:15Well, we'll have a system, all right?
21:16Just before I give an order, I shall tap that sugar bowl three times.
21:20That's a good idea.
21:21All right?
21:21Okay.
21:22Now, for the first time in our history, we have been invited to take part in the Troubin of the
21:26Colour.
21:27Now, I've spoken to the Ministry of Defence, but unfortunately, there's no way we can get out of it.
21:31Sir!
21:32I can't maintain my silence a moment longer.
21:38I see.
21:38Do you feel better now?
21:39Yes, thank you, sir.
21:40Right.
21:42Now, tonight's dinner has been kindly provided by Colonel Jago, who's just arrived back from Saudi Arabia.
21:47He has very kindly donated this plate of sheep's eyes.
21:53Yes, I know, but we don't want to upset Colonel Jago.
21:56So, I want you all to eat at least one, and that's an order.
21:59Sir!
22:00I thought you said you'd tap the sugar bowl three times before you gave an order.
22:02Oh, yes, that's right.
22:03Oh, pass the sugar bowl.
22:04If that's an order, sir, I can't do that till you tap the sugar bowl.
22:08There's a flaw in this system, isn't there?
22:10All right, from now on, just forget all about orders.
22:12Is that an order, sir?
22:13Look, just forget it, will you?
22:14I can never forget, sir.
22:16Three weeks in the baking sun.
22:18No food, no water, surrounded by sand.
22:21All right, well, we won't go to Little Hampton again.
22:24Now, I would like furthermore.
22:26Can we go to Birmingham for our holidays this year, sir?
22:28I understand they've got a marvellous beach.
22:32Oh, Lieutenant Swann, I believe you've just joined us from the Regiment of Liars.
22:36No, sir.
22:37Right, thank you.
22:39Now, may I remind you...
22:56...and he doesn't know his way around town.
22:58So I want you to take cover...
22:59Take cover!
23:00No!
23:00No, no, no, no, no.
23:02As you were!
23:03As you were!
23:04Sir!
23:04Oh, private as you were.
23:05Welcome aboard.
23:06Thank you very much.
23:07Now, the Union Jacks that arrived this morning have to be sent back because they're upside down.
23:11Surely we don't have to send them back, sir.
23:13We could just stand on our heads.
23:15Ah, yes.
23:15But there's always someone who can't stand on their head.
23:17Can you stand on your head?
23:18Yes, sir.
23:19Yeah, I told you.
23:21Now, finally, can I tell you that tonight is a charity dinner.
23:23For every sheep's eyeball consumed, a pounder will go to a special research programme to help the blind sheep of
23:30Saudi Arabia.
23:31Thank you very much.
24:18Thank you very much.