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00:00The headlines tonight, bottomly refreshed after three days on cross,
00:05Branson's clockwork dog crosses Atlantic floor,
00:09and sack chimney sweep pups boss full of mayonnaise.
00:40Welcome.
00:43On the day-to-day tonight, David Owen emerges shattered from Oliver Reed.
00:49I don't think I've ever seen anything quite such, uh, so totally wanton and gutsy, mess, terrible.
00:56And Portillo's wife defends crack habit.
00:59It's cheap, very cheap.
01:05Hello, you.
01:06Prince Charles has volunteered to put himself in prison
01:09in order to highlight the plight of Britain's jails.
01:12The Prince made the announcement at some speech or other he was giving today.
01:16He said he wanted to set an example.
01:19The Prince has been preparing for his ordeal for the last two months
01:23by attending practice prison in a Rolls-Royce factory,
01:26sharing his cell with an old school friend.
01:29When he starts for real at Brixton next Tuesday,
01:32he'll be expected to muck in, just like any other convict detained at his mother's pleasure,
01:37adopting the regulation haircut and activity programs.
01:40The Prince's choice, making a brush.
01:43I am determined, as far as I'm concerned, to try at least.
01:46And in that sense, it will be my own small contribution towards a vision of Britain.
01:54The American serial killer, Chapman Baxter, is to be executed tonight in the state prison in Tennessee
02:00in the manner of his own choosing.
02:02CBN's Barbara Wintergreen reports.
02:06Tennessee State Penitentiary.
02:08For some, it's death row, but for convicted mass murderer Chapman Baxter,
02:11it's the last night at Heartbreak Hotel.
02:13Baxter's an Elvis fan, and tomorrow he dies like a king.
02:17I've always been a poor boy and never done nothing with my life.
02:20Always taken from any community he hadn't ever been in.
02:24I just figure I just want to die glorious.
02:26I just want to die like the king, like the only king that was Presley.
02:29A special death bowl has been installed for this gruesome Presley demise.
02:34He died on a toilet full of drugs and cheeseburgers.
02:37That's the way I'm going to go.
02:38I ain't going to no electric chair.
02:40I'm going to no electric toilet.
02:41Like Presley, Baxter will gorge on cheeseburgers and drugs until he reaches 650 pounds.
02:47The historic weight will trigger the electric current and see Baxter skip dessert.
02:51Among those who will be watching Baxter get all shook up
02:53is Tennessee Presley fan club president Alvin Hollow.
02:56Some people might say that this was debasing the memory of the king.
02:59Do you agree with that?
03:00No, ma'am.
03:01No.
03:01The king did that himself by dying on the john in a big nappy.
03:04But a special cheeseburger line in Grim Elvabilia
03:08has gone on sale to commemorate tomorrow's pan fry.
03:11But maybe after today, that is how people will think of the king.
03:14You can keep it right there.
03:17Press and protesters conduct a silent vigil outside this special disgraced land
03:21while inside, Baxter chooses his backing vocals.
03:24I figured Jailhouse Rock would become inappropriate.
03:27Maybe Are You Lonesome Tonight always moves me that song.
03:31At dawn, all hope of a retrial gone down the pan,
03:34Baxter prepares to return to sender.
03:36In a few moments' time, America will watch the Presley stand-in
03:39eat a sit-down meal with a difference.
03:41And if he eats too much, he may come out in a hot flush.
03:48So, as Baxter turns as blue as his suede shoes,
03:51this is very definitely one burger king with extra fries to go.
03:55Barbara Winfrey's TVM News of the Elvacution, Tennessee State Penitentiary.
04:05Tomorrow sees the opening of the London Jam Festival,
04:08selling pots of jam, some made by celebrities,
04:11to raise money for the homeless.
04:12With me is one of the organisers, Janet Breen.
04:14Janet, thanks for joining us this evening.
04:16This must have taken a heck of a lot of organising.
04:18Yes, well, it has, actually,
04:20to get all the celebrities to contribute their jam.
04:23It's really been quite an operation.
04:24How much of your time did you put into it?
04:27Oh, I would say at least six months.
04:28Six months?
04:29To raise money for a jam festival?
04:31Isn't that rather stupid?
04:33No, I don't think so.
04:34I mean, it's all in a good cause.
04:36It's for the homeless.
04:37Yeah, but how much are you going to raise?
04:38Well, we hope to raise at least £1,500.
04:41£1,500?
04:43That's a pathetic amount of money.
04:45You can raise more money by auctioning dogs.
04:48Well, I don't think so.
04:49I think it's all in a good cause and very worthwhile and worth doing.
04:52You've persuaded these celebrities to waste their time
04:54donating to it?
04:55Yes.
04:55Well, who?
04:56Uh, uh, Glenis Kinnick we've got and Sebastian Coe.
05:00I hate Sebastian Coe.
05:02Well, I feel he's made a very worthwhile contribution, actually.
05:05What, so the poultry sum of £1,500?
05:07Yes.
05:07Is that worth six months of your time?
05:09Well, I think it is worth...
05:10I don't think it is at all.
05:11I think the only reason you've done it
05:13is to make yourself look important.
05:15How dare you come on this programme and say,
05:17hey, look at me, I'm raising £1,500 for the homeless.
05:21You could raise more money by sitting outside a tube station
05:23with a hat on the ground,
05:25even if you were twice as ugly as you are,
05:26which is very ugly indeed.
05:28Ah!
05:29Ah!
05:31Ah!
05:32Ah!
05:33Ah!
05:34Ah!
05:36Ah!
05:37Has this been very upsetting for you?
05:40Ah!
05:42Ah!
05:43I'd have you anything else to say in your defence.
05:45Ah!
05:47Ah!
05:51Ultra News.
05:54Now comments from you, the public,
05:56in Speak Your Brains.
06:02The Law.
06:04Tightening up the law.
06:05Is it required today?
06:06I think so, yes.
06:07In what areas?
06:08Ah, certainly, we have to do something about drug peddling.
06:11If they ran into the newly tightened up law,
06:13would it smack them up sharp,
06:14or would it catch them gradually?
06:16I think it needs to smack them up sharp.
06:18To jerk the head back?
06:19Yeah.
06:19Oh, sure, certainly, yeah.
06:21Let's see if we can nail this down.
06:22In terms of this elastic band here,
06:26would you like to see the law tightened up to this tightness,
06:29tightness number one,
06:30tightness number two,
06:32or tightness number three?
06:33I think tightness number three.
06:34Tightness number three like this?
06:35Yeah.
06:35I think we've really got to hammer these guys.
06:37So that tightness being an average post office band
06:40extended over at eight inches?
06:42Perhaps, yeah.
06:43Yeah, I think so.
06:44Sport now with Alan Partridge.
06:46Alan, you're a keen fan of the law, aren't you?
06:48I certainly am.
06:49I support the law fully.
06:50Not too keen on those that break it, though.
06:52How do you support it, then?
06:54Just generally support it.
06:56What?
06:56Generally turn up on a Saturday afternoon
06:58and wave from the touch lines?
07:00What?
07:02This is Sports Desk.
07:04I'm Alan Partridge.
07:05And it's a special desk of sport now
07:07as we look back on some of the sporting highlights
07:09of the last sporting season.
07:11So lie down, relax, and let the sports commence.
07:16When it's cycling championships you're after,
07:18you can't say fairer than the Tour de France.
07:21Dive, Brandauer there, in the lead,
07:23swaying from side to side
07:24in his own inimitable bike riding way.
07:26Klaus's been there on the inside,
07:28pumping away with those gristle-like muscly legs
07:31inside those tight lycra shorts
07:34which have become his trademark.
07:36I don't know what this man is playing at.
07:38There's no way.
07:39Surely the judges must come down
07:40like a ton of bricks on that.
07:42Carrying bikes on top of a car
07:44is not a sportsman-like way to run this race.
07:48You join me in the helicopter now
07:50as we look down on these cyclists
07:53that look somehow like cattle in a mad way,
07:55but cattle on bikes.
07:57And there's Sven Gunsson,
07:59closely followed by his great friend and teammate Klaus Spinn.
08:02And the man with the bikes on his car is,
08:05yes, he's disqualified, as I said.
08:07And Klaus Spinn there wins.
08:09Running non-handed.
08:10No need for that.
08:12It was a belter of a season for athletics.
08:151,500 metres there.
08:17Cram and not a lot happening,
08:20but unremarkable.
08:21Oh, good.
08:22Someone's fallen.
08:23It's Peter Elliott.
08:25Yes, he's down.
08:26Peter Elliott, no relation to the late Denham.
08:29And come on, Pete.
08:30Back on your feet.
08:32You can catch up with them.
08:33No, no, he can't be bothered.
08:35And it was upsets all the way in the dive championships.
08:39Greg Lugani.
08:41Down.
08:42Double back twister.
08:43Bangs his head and in.
08:44Text point.
08:45Lovely.
08:45Let's see it again.
08:47He points.
08:48Down.
08:49Up in the air.
08:50Double back twister.
08:51Comes down.
08:52Bangs his head on the board and in.
08:54Lovely.
08:54The judges surely will give him high marks for that.
08:58But for my money,
08:59the best punches were being pulled this season in the boxing ring.
09:03As he's affectionately known to me.
09:06Thank goodness, actually, they're wearing gloves.
09:08Because I've witnessed bare-knuckle boxing in a barn in Somerset about three years ago.
09:14And it was a sorry sight to see men goading them on in such a barbaric fashion.
09:19And I'm rather ashamed to say I was party to that goading.
09:22And two men fighting as I saw in the barn that night.
09:26Naked as the day they were born.
09:28And fighting the way God intended.
09:30Wrestling at points.
09:32I don't know if you've seen women in love.
09:33The marvellous scene by the fire.
09:35It kind of resembled that.
09:38I'm Alan Partridge and that was my sporting season.
09:42Why don't you join me for another one?
09:44Join me.
09:57Thanks, Alan.
09:58Time now for our resident humorist, Brant,
10:00the physical cartoonist from the Daily Telegraph
10:02to cast a wry eye at the week's events.
10:04And it certainly has been some week, hasn't it, Alan?
10:07Yes.
10:08And so, with that in mind, Mr. Brant,
10:11put us in the picture.
10:12Thanks, Chris.
10:14Well, this week, John Majors had to walk
10:16a bit of a political tightrope.
10:20Oh!
10:26Sylvester Sheward has today's weather.
10:29Starting in the southeast,
10:34where it'll be a misty day tomorrow
10:36with a droplet density of about 50,000 per spherical inch.
10:40That's roughly as if the mist were hugging the ground
10:42like an over-affectionate and rather damp dog.
10:45Over to East Anglia and the Midlands.
10:50There'll be a warm day tomorrow, about 20.
10:52That's the sort of warmth you might feel on a January morning
10:55walking into a heated drawing room after chopping some wood.
10:58And finally, into the north of England and Scotland.
11:03A strong and highly long-lasting day tomorrow
11:06with hail aimed vertically downwards from above
11:08and there'll be a 30% chance.
11:10The summary then?
11:11Breezes.
11:12And that's all the weather.
11:19The law.
11:21We're looking today at the letter of the law.
11:23Any problems?
11:24Um, well, I've just been worried about
11:26what I've been watching on TV recently
11:28about all these, uh, fit-ups.
11:31What about a poster campaign to promote the letter of the law?
11:34Yeah, I think that'd be a good idea.
11:36TV campaign?
11:37Yeah, possibly, yeah.
11:39How quickly would you like to see this sort of action taken?
11:41Poster campaign.
11:41Immediately.
11:42Immediately, yes.
11:43So here we are in the immediately future
11:46looking at a poster on the wall of the letter of the law.
11:49Red on blue, what letter is it?
11:52What single letter?
11:53The letter of the law.
11:55Eh.
11:57Hmm?
11:57Eh.
11:58What letter is it?
11:59Eh.
12:00No, no, what letter is it?
12:02Um...
12:02What letter is it?
12:03The letter of the law.
12:04J.
12:05J, in red on blue.
12:07Yeah.
12:08EnviroMation from me, Rosie May.
12:11Britain is soon to have its first portable cemetery.
12:15The cemetery, which opens to the size of a football pitch
12:18and features real soil, holds up to a thousand corpses.
12:22The portable cemetery saves waste.
12:26Scientists in Alaska have found a gap between the horizon and the earth.
12:30The gap, which is nine miles across,
12:32is believed to have been caused by recent storms,
12:34which tore the horizon from its moorings.
12:36A team of civil engineers has now set off to lash the horizon back down with steel.
12:42I'm Rosie May, and this is My Planet.
12:47Take a look at this.
12:49This is St. Barley's Church in Coventry.
12:53That sequence will be featured in a full report on the Church of England,
12:56which is coming up now.
12:59If you mention the Church of England to most people,
13:02they immediately think of the sacraments
13:04and the holy blood of our Lord Jesus Christ.
13:07But to many within the Church, there is another ritual.
13:11The ritual of the bullying ritual.
13:15Ex-curate Peter Litterton was intimidated by his very first vicar.
13:19I went to the bathroom to wash after dinner
13:22and I found my flannel in the toilet.
13:26Another time, I went into the bathroom
13:30and all the bristles, bar one, had been cut off from my toothbrush.
13:35Another time, he put bleach in my shaving cream
13:38and Mrs. Cape stifled a giggle.
13:42I see.
13:43This is St. Barley's Church in Coventry.
13:47Barley's vicar, Bobby Skye, is a former bully himself
13:50but has now decided to speak out.
13:53If a young deacon was being inordinated,
13:56then during the inordination ceremony,
13:58we would hum during his sermon.
14:02So we would be going...
14:06And he would be trying to speak
14:08and not knowing who was humming.
14:10How many of you were humming?
14:11About 200 of us, 200 vicars, all going...
14:17But while some are brave enough to speak out,
14:20others are still quietly being beaten up.
14:23Here, in the vestry of St. Champs in Coventry,
14:25we've secretly rigged up one of our cameras
14:27to record some bad ecclesiastical hurting.
14:30I'm sorry, Bishop. I'll do it again.
14:32I'm sorry, Bishop. I do.
14:34Why are you always being such an arse, hmm?
14:37I don't know, Bishop.
14:39I don't know, Bishop. I don't know, Bishop.
14:40I don't know. Fold it properly.
14:43Yes, Bishop.
14:48Yes, I was collecting up the hymn books,
14:51books very... well, these exact books.
14:53Yes.
14:54And I was stacking them, like so.
14:58Yes.
14:58And I'd stacked up to my chin.
15:00I see.
15:00So I was really at full stretch
15:02with about 30 hymn books.
15:04And he said,
15:06Come on, Peter.
15:07You can fit another one in there.
15:09I said,
15:10No, I can't, Reverend Cape.
15:11I really can't.
15:12And he pushed one in.
15:14He said,
15:14You can fit another one.
15:15I said,
15:15I can't.
15:15And he pulled my hair right back.
15:17And so my head was like this.
15:18I thought...
15:19I thought I was going to choke.
15:20And then he ran along this pew.
15:22Right there.
15:23And threw the books.
15:24Pick them up.
15:25Pick them up.
15:26You do look a rather foolish boy, Paul.
15:30Clean it up.
15:31I'll be back later.
15:36The bullying has got to stop.
15:39Stop the bullying.
15:41Start taking care of your flock.
15:44Pick on someone your own size.
15:45God's bigger than all of us.
15:49And since we've recorded that report,
15:51everybody featured in it has lost their hair.
15:55The day today.
15:56Slamming the wasps from the pure apple of truth.
16:01The Home Secretary's new measures for dealing with neighborhood noise
16:04have been introduced this week by Broxbourne Police.
16:06And it looks like they're working.
16:09Noisy people have been a problem in Broxbourne for years.
16:11But now if the police receive more than five complaints
16:14against a single household,
16:16they just turn up and release a tiger through the front door.
16:20So far, they say,
16:22the Home Secretary's new measures
16:23have been 100% successful.
16:27This weekend, BBC Two celebrates changing attitudes
16:30in the last 35 years of television
16:32in Attitudes Night.
16:34Well, here we are at the hanging.
16:36It's a very somber atmosphere.
16:38The condemned man has just arrived
16:40with the executioner, Mr. Albert Marsh,
16:42who's highly respected.
16:43The evening begins with a chance to savour again
16:46Great Britain's last televised hanging.
16:48He's using a nylon hemp mix rope tonight
16:51for the first time ever.
16:53That's what he wanted.
16:54That's what he's got.
16:55It's to guarantee extra strength.
16:56All right, Mudge, what can I do you for, then?
16:58The 60s saw television breaking taboos again and again
17:02with Frampton Row, the first popular weekly serial
17:05to use swear words.
17:06I'm not made of money,
17:07especially not since Eddie Copsie
17:09and his bloomin' lives.
17:10Oh, aye.
17:11Go on, then.
17:11I'll have the express.
17:13There you are, you big hairy cock.
17:15Ciao.
17:16Ta-ra, Stan.
17:17Ta-ra, you shitter.
17:20These days, it's very fashionable
17:22among young people
17:23to do what I'm doing now.
17:24I'm being fellated by a young girl
17:27known as a groupie.
17:29It's an interesting feeling
17:31and certainly quite relaxing.
17:37Well, it's half an hour later.
17:40My initial reaction was one of intense joy,
17:43but that's now been replaced
17:45by a vague feeling of inadequacy and gloom.
17:48It's not an experience which I can see catching on,
17:51but neither is it one which I regret.
17:53But while some programmes broke taboos,
17:56others, like them next door,
17:58would in time become taboo themselves.
18:01What's he want now, eh?
18:03Ah, Mr. Erty,
18:04I was wondering if I could be borrowing
18:06a cup of sugar for my lunch.
18:08What did he say?
18:09He says he wants you to give him a punch.
18:11Oh, all right.
18:13You're misunderstanding me.
18:15I'm asking for sugar.
18:16That is why I'm here.
18:17I can't understand a bleeding word he's saying.
18:19He says he wants you to give him a thick ear.
18:21Oh, right.
18:23Oh, no, no, no, no.
18:24The same went for Channel 4's Kiddy Stare,
18:27the show which featured naked two-year-olds
18:30romping for the pleasure of adults.
18:35Must say it's looking in excellent condition.
18:38And, yes, yes, the lights have gone out.
18:41It's a good clean drop.
18:42There's the hanging.
18:43Well done.
18:44Well done.
18:45They'll be pleased with that.
18:46And to play us out,
18:48we have Johnny Stoppard.
18:49Johnny, what are you going to play for us tonight?
18:52Fancy lady.
18:53Fancy lady.
18:54Well, fancy that.
18:56This is Corinne Piper bidding you good night.
18:58Good night.
19:02So join us for the start of the evening with the hanging.
19:05That's Attitudes Night this Friday on BBC Two.
19:12Coming up, more cathedral dumping in Leicester.
19:15Well, there was two of them, two bishops,
19:18who come along and just dumped it here
19:21and let it go down the road.
19:24And Manchester police powerless against new weapon menace.
19:28Well, basically, one of these and one of these
19:31have a range of 50 feet and can bring down a helicopter.
19:38Time now for business with Collatley Sisters.
19:41Thanks, Chris.
19:41Take her off the monitor.
19:42I don't want to see her face.
19:43And no let-up today for British manufacturers.
19:45There were large profit slumps for Securivage and United Ha Ha.
19:48Down 6.4, joining Collins Perhaps units on a lower third rung.
19:53There was better news for Edge Ledge Wedge Barge,
19:55who mustered 2.41 up 88 very slightly.
19:57But Oxy McGee flew back a ninth,
19:59despite a creeping bid from connected breath dumps at four.
20:03On the currency markets, how did the pound fare?
20:05A quick glance at the currency cat?
20:08Not too well, I'm afraid.
20:10There's a disconcerting 47-degree slope
20:12against the dollar, yen and deutschmark.
20:14And if we project, in four months,
20:16the pound leg is effectively amputated,
20:17leading to a rogue leg with no hip constituency at all.
20:21Overall, then, for tomorrow's markets, good evening.
20:24Slightly fractious in the nines and sevens.
20:56Yes. Chris.
20:56It's a great deal of medieval health care
20:57and offers a range of historic remedies at 21st-century prices.
21:01Right. There.
21:04This should really get rid of the melancholy here.
21:07Sore a bit.
21:08Physical complaints, like the hardened lump on this woman's foot,
21:11are treated as symptoms of spiritual disorder.
21:14I'm going to make an incision here.
21:16Yes.
21:17And make the incision all the way round here.
21:20Yes.
21:21On the other side.
21:22Yes.
21:22And then cut through and then remove this.
21:25Yes.
21:26This foot.
21:28Right.
21:28Remove that.
21:29Yes.
21:29And take it away.
21:30Yes.
21:31And bury it with some gooseberries.
21:34We've done the tests and...
21:36This woman is a witch
21:37and is being talked through the drowning procedure.
21:40What we'll be doing is we'll be pushing you in the pool.
21:42I see.
21:43If you sink to the bottom, you're clear.
21:45Uh-huh.
21:46If you float to the top,
21:47obviously, we're going to have to attach some weights to you
21:50and drown you.
21:52You mean you want me to...
21:53Just walk down.
21:53To walk down the steps.
21:54Yeah, I'm going to be a bit of a shove.
21:56All right.
21:57Off I go then.
21:58That's all right.
21:59Just a hand.
22:02Just a hand.
22:03Dr. Philip Johansson is Europe's leading practitioner of bile chanting.
22:08He was one of the four doctors and ten patients killed in this morning's blaze.
22:13Firemen say the chances of finding anyone else alive is minimal.
22:18Real events shot by chance on amateur cameras
22:20are increasingly putting professional news crews out of business.
22:23Remedy Malahyde reports.
22:27A common studio accident.
22:29A man being electrocuted in the face by a loose cable.
22:33But what made the accident uncommon is that it was caught on one of these.
22:37A home camcorder.
22:40Hello.
22:41I'm Remedy Malahyde.
22:42And tonight I'll be showing you just a cupful of the many thousands of unattractive events
22:46poured onto a lens by you, the public, in genutainment.
22:51First, these remarkable scenes of an audacious bank robbery
22:55were captured by Mrs. Susan Briars
22:57who owns the security cameras at the Norwood branch of NatWest.
23:03The real capturing happened soon after.
23:09Our reality eye-fest continues courtesy of St. John's Ambulance Unit
23:13who filmed this disturbing spectacle of a distressed caterer
23:17who had her finger trapped under the page of a book.
23:24Photofactuality now, and Mrs. Mandy Hell captured these snaps
23:27while out walking her brother on Wandsworth Common.
23:30The unnamed woman had been pierced by a shaft of frozen urine
23:33which had fallen from the toilet facility of an overhead plane.
23:38And finally, Mr. Peter Dexey of Lancaster sent us amusing footage
23:42of a baseball attack outside his home.
23:44If you listen carefully, you can hear that Mr. Dexey's living room cuckoo clock
23:48happened to strike in time to each smash of the bat.
23:54But on now to our main visual splash.
23:56Real-life tales of danger and rescue
23:59which, thanks to this little child, it's a camcorder,
24:02we can actually show you each week on It's Your Blood.
24:11Every week on It's Your Blood, we feature an actual bad accident
24:15and show how you can avoid a similar fate.
24:18This week, Chopper of Doom.
24:23Helicopters. Machines with blades for cutting air.
24:26Air that's soft and easy to slice, like human beings.
24:30If a helicopter hits the ground at 100 miles an hour, it can be rebuilt.
24:34But for a man made of crushable bone and ligaments that tear,
24:37it's not quite so easy.
24:38In recreating the horrific events of the 12th of December 1992,
24:42we persuaded the original victims to face that ordeal again.
24:46We also used amateur video footage of the nightmare.
24:49All bodily fluids shown are the ones which actually emerged at the time.
24:53For this reason and many others,
24:55you may find the following sequence produces a very powerful sensation
24:58in your brain and body.
25:00Farmer Chester Johnson uses a chopper for crop surveillance
25:03and he flies it himself.
25:05It's 10 o'clock on the birthday of his sheepdog, Lindsay,
25:08and Chester has planned him a treat.
25:10It was a ride in the helicopter.
25:13I knew he'd like it, so I decided to video it for him as a memento.
25:17What he didn't know was that he and Lindsay were about to make a flight
25:21that neither of them would ever forget,
25:23even if their brains were erased with mind rubbers.
25:30At first, everything was normal.
25:32They were up and enjoying the ride.
25:34It was smooth and exhilarating like an aerial motorbike.
25:37But then Chester decided to look at his watch.
25:41A watch we later found to have a dangerous design.
25:45The aircraft was now perilously out of control
25:48and to make matters worse,
25:50it was heading straight towards a field of children looking for worms.
25:57By sheer luck, a member of the public,
26:00Mrs. Maureen Tucker,
26:01had noticed the helicopter
26:03and started shooting these valuable pictures
26:05with her own camera.
26:10After 10 minutes,
26:11she called for help.
26:16Hello, control tower.
26:18Oh, no, it's one of our helicopters out of control.
26:20Wonder who that can be.
26:22It could be Chester Johnson.
26:24And that's got a dog on board.
26:26We'd better call a shepherd then.
26:28The steel vulture of Beelzebub
26:30was now just seconds away
26:31from the children's soft heads.
26:40Come by.
26:42Move the airfield, move the stick.
26:46Where do you be?
26:47Where do you be?
26:50Come by.
26:52You're doing well.
26:55Come by.
26:58By sheer brilliance,
27:00the shepherd dog team also managed to avoid
27:02an old woman up a stick in a nearby field.
27:06While the heroes celebrated,
27:08the shepherd's unattended flock
27:09caused a pile-up on the M5
27:11in which 430 people were injured.
27:14Mercifully, the ordeal forged such firm bonds
27:17between the victims
27:17that it led in many cases
27:19that it led in many cases to marriage.
27:21If this happened to you,
27:22would you know what to do?
27:24Your chances would be improved considerably
27:26if you made sure someone on the ground
27:28had one of these.
27:32It's a pocket shepherd.
27:33It costs just £59,
27:36a small price to pay
27:37for the gift of a functioning body
27:39that works properly.
27:41News Jiffy.
27:46Just time to have a quick look
27:47at tomorrow's headlines.
27:48Aristocrats' dung
27:49saves village from flood.
27:50That's in the mail.
27:51Today,
27:52drowned Italian wins Eurovision.
27:54The Express go with
27:55Lord Mayor's pirouette
27:56in fire chief wife decapitation.
27:58Grizzly but gripping.
27:59The Sun,
28:00Robin Cock.
28:01And the Daily Star,
28:03feel my nose and put my specs there,
28:04roars drunken major.
28:05That's it.
28:06That's the day today
28:07on the day that Boris Yeltsin
28:08told the world
28:09how he milked Mrs. Thatcher.
28:11...of her floppy breasts.
28:12Good night.
28:38Good night.
28:41Good night.
28:44Good night.
28:50Good night.
28:52Good night.
28:53Good night.