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TVTranscript
00:06Girl, she was on the phone with PeeBee all night.
00:09All night?
00:10But Miss Cameroon, she's long gone.
00:14Juju B was sobbing so loud, I could barely see a wink.
00:18Girl.
00:22Go get dressed.
00:24This isn't a bathhouse.
00:26Kirsten.
00:28Juju.
00:28Juju.
00:29Juju.
00:30Juju.
00:31Juju.
00:32Hi.
00:34Juju.
00:35We've already collected a dozen host audition tapes, and the time is now.
00:38The show is emerging money faster than a trust fund kid at a coke retreat.
00:42Oh.
00:44Okay.
00:45Juju.
00:45Why are these cameras rolling?
00:47You said the people wanted to see how the sausage is made.
00:51Right.
00:54Wait.
00:57You know what the secret was to audience engagement in the mid-2000s?
01:00Ryan Seacrest.
01:01No.
01:03Synthetic democracy.
01:04We let the audience vote for the new host.
01:07Oh, God.
01:08The viewers get to feel like they're a part of it.
01:10It's emotional catnip.
01:11It's a viral social campaign.
01:14I'm calling marketing right now.
01:22People voting?
01:24This can go really bad.
01:25Yeah.
01:26You know the audience.
01:27Imagine it's James Charles.
01:29Or Violet Tchotchke.
01:30Or Mimi I'm first.
01:33No.
01:34Girl.
01:35Cancelled.
01:36You're out of a job.
01:38No.
01:43Drag house rules needs a new host, and the power is in your hands.
01:47That's right, homosexuals.
01:49The vote is yours.
01:51Now let's meet our contenders.
01:53Hello.
01:54I'm Kelly Mantle.
01:55My name is Alaska.
01:57And this is Drag House Rules.
02:00Hi.
02:00I'm Darby.
02:01And I'm Alexis P. Bubbles.
02:02Won't you consider me for your host?
02:05Hi.
02:05My name is Roz Hernandez.
02:07I'm based in Los Angeles, and I'm willing to shave.
02:10It's me, Sweet Tea.
02:13I'd be a great host.
02:14I host things all the time.
02:15I host my podcast, where I talk about real sexy stuff.
02:17And I host a show, where I make people take their willies out.
02:20They want us to audition.
02:21We're offer only.
02:22Please let me be your host.
02:24I promise I'll only ask for porridge and drink tickets.
02:29So wait, what am I taping for?
02:31There has never been as good of a duo host situation since Nick Lachey and his wife.
02:38Oh, okay.
02:39No.
02:39No, we're not going to do that.
02:40Um, no.
02:41Thank you so much.
02:42Uh, you can take me off the mailing list.
02:45Um, we're not going to do that today.
02:47And you get the sweetness that can only come from a mother who has diabetes.
02:52Yes.
02:52I hope, um, I hope Jujubee wins.
02:55Okay.
02:56To expose, to humiliate for your pleasure and my pleasure and their pain.
03:02Why should I be your host?
03:06Girl, I'm available.
03:07Will you be the host and can I be the special correspondent that like goes there and says like-
03:11Why don't you play the corpse?
03:12Okay.
03:13Hello, this is me, Tammy Brown with an IE from season one of Drag House of Rules and I am
03:21auditioning for the part of the hostess with the mostess if you know what I mean.
03:27You know why I should be a hostess?
03:29Because I lead with a legacy.
03:32A legacy, a finesse, a certain style that people just love and the fan letters have been out of sight
03:38if you know what I mean.
03:40Piali!
03:40That's hello in Nahuatl, yes.
03:42I speak about seven languages, particularly of love.
03:46When I was a crew chief over there at McDonald's, I'll tell you what, they picked me because I was
03:51so cool, you know.
03:52They said, oh, Tammy, you just can teach all the kids how to do this, do that.
03:56You know, clean the restrooms if you need to.
03:58I'm always good at cleaning restrooms as well.
04:00And I love the queens.
04:02I like to go around the scene.
04:03Oh, listen, you have a tag sticking out.
04:05That doesn't look so good.
04:06So let me fix that for you.
04:07Camera ready.
04:08You know, always on time, always professional.
04:13And, you know, I like to make sure that they have the best meals on set.
04:16Things like that are very important to me.
04:18I mean, I do have my little dolls and I have a little puppet and I can bring out the
04:22puppet.
04:24You know what I mean?
04:25And I have worked with the most famous puppet of all, Madam.
04:28Let me tell you, she's really not a puppet, but she just lays in Provincetown like this.
04:33You know what I'm saying?
04:34But it might seem crazy to you that I talk to puppets, but it's not the kind of crazy that
04:41is going to spell their name on the wall with their own feces.
04:44Okay?
04:45Does that make sense?
04:46I know.
04:47You're probably listening to this saying, wow, she's real cuckoo.
04:50She'll be perfect for drag house rules.
04:53And, you know, she'll probably get that other guy, the host guy.
04:56What's his name?
04:58Claymore.
04:58Oh, that's right.
05:00Claymore.
05:00Yeah, Claymore.
05:01We'll probably get Claymore going.
05:03That's someone who's helping me with this audition tape.
05:07As you can see, my production value is quality.
05:12So, I hope to be your next emcee here at Drag House of Rules.
05:19Comedy Nicholz.
05:26We'll see you running back.
05:4701 This is Mila Wraus USB Mescaz строit.
05:48As you can see, if you take a tour to the open side of your house, you can see here.
05:48There's a� in the open side of your house.
05:49Do you have to play the travel space, for example?
05:49Because you feel incredible.
06:20Hello, I am Tammy Brown and this is Drag House Rules.
06:26So excited to have you, Miss Brown.
06:29Thanks for jumping in so last minute.
06:31Well, I'm thrilled to be here back in Hollywood where it all begins.
06:34Yes, where you belong.
06:35I mean, you are a real legend.
06:37Not only am I a legend, but I have some ideas.
06:41I have some visions.
06:42I like to make things happen.
06:44Would you like to make things happen with me?
06:45Absolutely.
06:46Of course, anything.
06:47I'm so concerned.
06:48Why?
06:49I don't think Kirsten realizes what happens to Tammy when she gets a little bit of power.
06:54What happens?
06:55She becomes a giant bitch.
06:57Listen up, you squirming worm fucks.
07:00I have an immunity challenge for you all.
07:04Okay?
07:06I said okay.
07:07Okay.
07:08I said yes.
07:10Yes.
07:11Yes.
07:12Yes.
07:12I knew it.
07:14You knew it.
07:14You have something to prove and you're going to do it.
07:17Okay.
07:18Okay?
07:19Something special dedicated to the children out there that are working certain kind of labor.
07:25Mm-hmm.
07:26Little 10-year-old girls down in Brazil.
07:29All right.
07:29Let's think about Travella Vargas.
07:32Who?
07:34Travella Vargas.
07:35I went to school with her, I think.
07:36No, you didn't.
07:38She's a little girl down in Brazil.
07:41I don't think this is really for me.
07:43What do you don't think?
07:44I don't...
07:44I'm just confused.
07:45Well, you better get to thinking and you better loosen up all that confusion.
07:48You're going to get to walking like Camila Vargas.
07:52Yes, ma'am.
07:53Carrying kilos of rice.
07:56I thought you were going to say cocaine.
07:58Yeah, I did too.
07:59That's Colombia and now what's going on in Venezuela.
08:03That's a whole other story, okay?
08:05Oh, yeah.
08:05Cease fire.
08:07Oh.
08:09Sorry, Ms. Brown.
08:10Don't apologize to me.
08:11Apologize to yourself because you need it.
08:14Sorry, Scarlett.
08:14Yeah.
08:15Lick some boots.
08:17Maybe lick your bare feet.
08:18No, I don't...
08:19Because you're wearing sandals.
08:20Carrying five kilos of rice.
08:23In Brazil.
08:25In Brazil.
08:26In the humidity.
08:27What are we actually doing?
08:29Are we going to be carrying...
08:30You're going to be carrying for your immunity challenge is kilos of rice.
08:36You're going to carry it on top of your head.
08:38And you're going to walk and walk and walk up the stairs right here in this mansion.
08:43You let her switch the immunity challenge?
08:45She's as stubborn as a bull.
08:46I didn't have a choice, Claymore.
08:48Then you're going to go into the master suite that's over there.
08:51That way, right there.
08:53And you're going to go in there and you're going to get in the king-size bathtub.
08:56And you're going to let the rice fall all over the place.
08:59And you're going to bathe in it like a Chuck E. Cheese bean ball.
09:02Oh, my...
09:02You're going to go round and round because I'm Tammy Brown, okay?
09:06Okay.
09:06You're going to pick it all back up in the bag like little Miss Camilla because she had
09:10a hole in her bag.
09:11She had to go backwards, okay?
09:13And get all that rice, scoop it up, and then take it down to the market.
09:17I'm going to go.
09:18I'm going to go.
09:19Where?
09:19Cry in the closet?
09:21Yeah, because it's going to prevent me from slapping the dog out of you.
09:27At the end of the challenge, you're going to be in the backyard.
09:31Whoever transports the most bags of rice wins this challenge, okay?
09:37So we're carrying rice masturbating with flies.
09:42I don't care if you finger your hole or not.
09:44I don't do that.
09:45Oh, is that an extra bonus?
09:47I was just kind of...
09:48Yeah, they were asking if I was to draw my...
09:50So obsessed.
09:51Yeah, and then do one thing to another, you know, it went viral or whatever.
09:55Uh-huh.
09:55Yeah.
09:56Oh, my God.
09:57Oh, but sorry.
09:58Work emergency.
09:59No, it's fine.
10:00Oh, God.
10:05Fuck me.
10:07Right now?
10:08What?
10:09Huh?
10:10Someone on Top Cook stuck their hand in a deep fryer.
10:13You got this right?
10:15Yeah.
10:16Of course.
10:17No, seriously.
10:18Please just get through the episode without a bomb going off.
10:20Yeah, sure.
10:21Also, I love Scarlet Envy.
10:23I want this for her.
10:25Top three at least.
10:25Just don't let her go home tonight, okay?
10:28You got it.
10:31Right.
10:32I gotta go, but I got you, okay?
10:34Okay.
10:40All right.
10:41All right.
10:56Make it up that you don't get a hole in that sack of rice and then have to turn around
10:59and pick every little granule of rice up and put it back in your bag and take it down to
11:04the market where your parents are waiting for you.
11:05Now, on the count of one, two, three, four, five!
11:22This is animal cruelty to people. What is this?
11:26So I have an immunity pen tonight.
11:29Hurry up.
11:29And I'm thinking about playing it
11:32because I am not about to throw my back out
11:35for some 10-year-old Brazilian bitch I've never met.
11:37Sorry, girl.
11:39People would be surprised at what I can binge.
11:51I didn't get into drag to do manual labor.
11:54I got into drag to emotionally manipulate people for money.
12:02If Camila is out there watching, baby, I'm doing this for you and your glutes.
12:08Let's get going.
12:19And that's how you move a miracle, baby!
12:22How does she keep winning?
12:25Ladies and gentlemen, them, there, they, that.
12:28It was fabulous.
12:29We have a winner!
12:31Miss Trinity the Tuckeroo.
12:33Now that you're done with step one,
12:35I think we should just accelerate this to step three.
12:39Wait, what do you mean, step one?
12:40What are you talking about?
12:41Step one was for little Carmelita.
12:44You carried rice, and now you're going to carry rocks.
12:48Oh, absolutely the fuck not, Tammy. We're done.
12:51I have something very special in store.
12:53I have another story regarding a young man from India.
12:57What are you talking about, Tammy? We're done.
12:59His name is Tatuba.
13:01Girl, you're making this shit up at this point, okay?
13:03You're quoting UNICEF brochures.
13:05If you want me to make shit up,
13:06I'm going to make shit fly out of your ass with this paddle right now.
13:09Tammy, Tammy, stay away from me with that paddle.
13:11Come on. Come on.
13:12Don't hit me again with that paddle, Tammy.
13:13Tammy, you crazy bitch, stop her.
13:16You want it too?
13:17I'm good.
13:17You want it.
13:18Right over here.
13:18You're doing great.
13:19I know I'm doing good.
13:21Yeah, keep her away.
13:21Okay, look.
13:22I think this is actually groundbreaking stuff.
13:24It's really creative.
13:26Jujubee, this isn't groundbreaking or creative, okay?
13:28It's abusive and idiotic.
13:30You're supposed to be a producer for the Queens,
13:32and instead you're humoring this fucking loony bitch.
13:35Oh, loony bitch?
13:36Yeah, we're out here taking orders from the Hunchback of Notre Dame, bitch.
13:41Yeah, okay.
13:42Girl, fuck off.
13:42Have a little bit of this, huh?
13:44You want to fuck off?
13:45Tammy, don't fucking do it, bitch.
13:46Uh-huh.
13:46Okay?
13:47Uh-huh.
13:47I'm going to light that dry-ass wig on fire and you're going to burn, hoe.
13:50Oh, well, I hope your bald-headed ass has some hairspray.
13:52Go back to fucking hell, bitch.
13:54Uh-huh.
13:54Listen, darling Jujubee, I'm not going to take this.
13:57Oh, Tammy, please stay.
13:58No, you can stay here.
14:02You're a winner, baby.
14:04You're a winner, okay?
14:04Thank, thank.
14:07Vaya con Dios.
14:10Adieu as the French say.
14:14That, uh, that host in position got a high turnover rate, huh?
14:18I leave for one margarita at Applebee's and you lose a host?
14:21We should let her cool down and then we could send Petey to go find her.
14:24It's residential blocks for five miles.
14:27Where does she even go?
14:28Calm down, Claymore.
14:30Chaos is a part of the brand now.
14:33Right.
14:34Right.
14:35Well, maybe, maybe if someone would let me run the show that I created,
14:40instead of treating me like some glorified note-taker,
14:42we wouldn't be losing hosts every 30 minutes.
14:44You think I like patching holes on a sinking ship?
14:47I'm just trying to keep this place from burning down, Claymore.
14:50No!
14:50You're trying to keep your version of the show alive.
14:52Oh, and while you're busy playing firefighter,
14:54remember who built the house in the first place.
14:56You built the house, sure, but I'm the one keeping it standing.
15:00If you want to take credit for the foundation,
15:02maybe you should be here when the walls are cracking, Claymore.
15:20What is that?
15:23What is this?
15:23This?
15:24This is iceberg salad.
15:28Oh, delicious.
15:30It's my specialty.
15:31Mmm.
15:32You guys!
15:32Look!
15:39Hi!
15:40Oh!
15:40Oh!
15:43I didn't see you there.
15:44Sorry, I should have made my presence.
15:46It's okay.
15:51Does your back itch?
15:52What's going on?
15:53Oh.
15:53Um, uh...
15:56Oh.
15:59Thanks, BD.
16:03It's a rose.
16:05Like the one on your inner thigh.
16:08You noticed.
16:10Yeah, I mean, I always noticed.
16:14Your hair looks good today.
16:16Thank you!
16:17I put gel in it.
16:18That's cool.
16:22I...
16:23I...
16:23I really like you.
16:25And I was hoping to go on a date with you.
16:33Sorry, I...
16:34I'm probably impressing.
16:35No, I...
16:36If I was saying that...
16:39I'd...
16:39I'd like that.
16:42Really?
16:43Yeah.
16:43I mean, because if you don't want to, that's totally fine by me.
16:47And like...
16:49You guys!
17:04Do you need help?
17:06Um...
17:06Yeah.
17:07Okay.
17:07Um...
17:08I'm just cleaning the couches.
17:10Cool.
17:22Are you a top or a bottom?
17:26I'm not sure.
17:28Oh my god, thank god.
17:29Because I have no idea either.
17:31Yeah, like how are we supposed to know?
17:33Right?
17:34Love is in the air, I guess.
17:40I'm okay.
17:42I'm...
17:42I'm fine.
17:43I'm okay.
17:51I'm...
17:52Oh yeah.
17:55I'm fine.
18:11Claymore!
18:11What are you doing?
18:13Oh!
18:13This is me just enjoying a bottle of wine with some friends.
18:16What?
18:17Yeah, girl.
18:17Chill out.
18:18Who the fuck are you?
18:20Who the fuck are you, bitch?
18:21Huh?
18:23Jasmine?
18:24Hi.
18:25Hi.
18:26Hi.
18:26So anyway, I had told them.
18:29I was like, look, bitch.
18:30I'm not about to do this.
18:31Claymore.
18:32We're in crisis mode.
18:34Oh.
18:34I need you.
18:36Please.
18:37It seems like you have it under control.
18:40I heard what you said earlier.
18:42You need to watch your tone.
18:43Oh, tone policing.
18:45That's crazy coming from somebody like you.
18:49Moisturizing all beautiful and shit.
18:51Thank you, bitch.
18:52Ugly ass bitch.
18:54Oh!
18:54You know what I'm gonna do?
18:55You know what I'm gonna do?
18:56I'm gonna have security throw your ass out.
18:59And you too.
19:01Bitch, why security?
19:02Them two twinks down here at Time Wrestling and that damn Honda Civic down there.
19:06Our friend?
19:07Oh.
19:07Girl, please.
19:08I'm gonna flip both their asses around.
19:10In your car.
19:14You left a clip in your hair, girl.
19:17Don't mind her.
19:18Jasmine, please continue.
19:20So my friend down in San Diego is gonna help me make these in pokes.
19:23I'm gonna put my name and little logos on there.
19:25I'm gonna take them to the clubs, sell them to people so they won't get roofied and everybody
19:29can be safe.
19:31Trinity and Heidi are gonna do the thing.
19:34It's me, isn't it?
19:35Yeah.
19:35They wanna vote me out.
19:37Yeah.
19:37Those fucking guts.
19:39I mean, I just feel like I should tell you.
19:40I mean, I knew I could never trust them.
19:43You're honestly the only person in this house I can trust.
19:46It's fucked up.
19:47Yeah, it's super fucked up.
19:49This whole thing is fucked up.
19:51Um, I have this immunity pen.
19:54So I was just thinking, like, if you use it, you can stay.
20:00Heidi will go.
20:02I just think it'd be nice to be top three with you.
20:05Yeah, I see us in the top three together.
20:08You do?
20:08I do.
20:10I really appreciate you.
20:11Are you sure you would do this for me?
20:13I mean, yeah.
20:13Take that.
20:15You're so sweet.
20:17Gross.
20:24She's so scary.
20:25But fierce.
20:27It's Tammy Brown, not Sha'Carri Richardson.
20:29How far do you think she could have gone?
20:34Guys, what do you mean you can't find her?
20:36Find her.
20:38Find her.
20:38Please.
20:40Oh, God.
20:41Jujubee.
20:43Kirsten, hi.
20:45Um, we'll find Tammy.
20:47I've got Petey and Augustus all over it.
20:49They definitely, 100%, are on the pursuit.
20:53Yeah.
20:53I promise.
20:55I'm starting to suspect you're in way over your head.
20:59Do you recall my sound?
21:01Yeah.
21:02That's not peace.
21:03I've screamed past my limit and entered a new realm of silence.
21:07And from this calm, collected fury, I think I might have to fire you, Jujubee.
21:14Claymore, we're getting fired.
21:16Oh, Claymore's staying.
21:18We all know you've been the captain of this disaster.
21:20We shoved Claymore to the shadows weeks ago, but now I need someone who knows everyone's
21:24names to help me fix your mess.
21:25No, but I-
21:26Maybe we don't need one.
21:28What?
21:29Um, maybe Jujubee can host it.
21:34What?
21:35I don't know.
21:36The dress is kind of broken on all fronts for me.
21:38Yeah.
21:39How about this?
21:40I'll co-host it with her.
21:42I mean, Jujubee brings the drag celebrity and I've got the emotional support clipboard
21:48and together we can stabilize the chaos.
21:53Kirsten, look at me.
21:56I know this show gets messy, but Jujubee brings the spark, the drama, the thing that people
22:07actually tune in for.
22:09And I've got structure and follow through.
22:14Let's just try it this way.
22:16Alright?
22:16Let's fix it inside instead of another replacement.
22:22Fine.
22:23I love a quick fix.
22:25Just please don't make me regret it.
22:28Okay.
22:29So, I'm not fired?
22:32No.
22:34Awesome.
22:34But you both clearly need supervision.
22:37Starting tomorrow, Gregory and I will be here to stay.
22:41In your ear, on your ass.
22:43I love you.
22:46Oh, thank you for the support.
22:52Good evening contestants.
22:54We're back.
22:55Surprise!
22:56If you're wondering why two of us are standing here.
22:59That's because the universe needed balance.
23:01That's right.
23:02Earlier today, there was a solar eclipse and legally, there needs to be two of us in order
23:07for the moon to forgive us.
23:08That's right.
23:09Science.
23:10Science.
23:14We've asked all of you to be here tonight to ruin somebody's evening.
23:18Ladies, let's get to voting.
23:21We will now read the votes.
23:23If anyone has the immunity pen, now is the time to play it.
23:27I do.
23:29And someone really special gave it to me.
23:33She earned it.
23:34Ugh!
23:36Gross.
23:39Duly noted.
23:40Plain Jane has played Scarlet's immunity pen and now is safe from elimination.
23:45Yes, that means Plain Jane is safe.
23:49Congratulations for being safe.
23:51Plain Jane, you're safe.
23:53And a whore.
23:55And not that pretty.
23:56But safe.
23:59And not that pretty.
24:07Our first vote, Heidi in closet.
24:11Our second vote, Scarlet.
24:18Scarlet.
24:21And our last and final vote, Scarlet.
24:25Oh no.
24:26Sorry babe.
24:28It was fun while it lasted.
24:30Ugh!
24:31What the fuck?
24:36Juju Bee!
24:37What the hell?
24:38That was my drought pick!
24:40Well, I didn't know they were gonna do that.
24:41I was busy looking for Tammy, Kirsten.
24:44Ugh!
24:45Kirsten, I'm sorry.
24:46I can't have one nice thing on the show.
24:48Not one!
24:48Kirsten, I'm sorry.
24:50Kirsten, I love you!
24:52But she doesn't love you.
24:55Scarlet, that means you have to go home.
24:58You've been eliminated.
25:00So you must immediately pack your bags and leave immediately.
25:04Because you lost.
25:06Which means you're a loser.
25:11Bye.
25:23Fuck.
25:25Why is this room so fucking big?
25:45You pull it, baby.
25:47Okay.
25:56Get out!
25:58I've never seen something so cruel.
26:02Treatment.
26:03If I was in Pocatello, Idaho, I'd be with Spike Nalgahyde right now.
26:08Spike Nalgahyde.
26:08Spike Nalgahyde.
26:09Spike your punch or something like that.
26:11I hope they can hear you.
26:12Because I just know they record everything.
26:16I have multiple TV shows.
26:18I love the craft service man.
26:20He's always making me peanut jelly sandwiches and...
26:25Put a little Jellipeno Jellies.
26:26There's a pepper, pepper stick again.
26:29Never.
26:31I'm such a special piece of shit.
26:35Horrible.
26:37Never.
26:39Imagine.
26:44Bitches.
26:45You will not see me again.
26:48Again.
26:49Look at this.
26:51God damn.