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00:00I'm from Iraq.
00:01You're from Iraq?
00:02What's your name?
00:03Tito.
00:04Tito?
00:09Where you from?
00:10Iraq.
00:11What's your name?
00:11Tito.
00:14I have big muscles.
00:15I kill you.
00:18Tito?
00:21Mohammed, change your name.
00:24Find something better.
00:27He is really Mohammed?
00:31How did Mohammed become Tito?
00:35With all those muscles?
00:38How did you pick Tito?
00:39Seriously.
00:41How did you pick Tito?
00:42By accident?
00:45Where you had a gay club.
00:48You look like a Tito.
00:51Oh my goodness, I like Tito.
00:53I take the name.
00:59Indians.
01:00Where are my Indians at?
01:02Oh, nice to see you, buddy.
01:07I like that guy.
01:08What's your name?
01:09Suck dick.
01:10Suck dick?
01:19I appreciate the offer.
01:26Thank you so much for coming tonight.
01:28I'm sure you're very busy all day.
01:37I'm going to talk to you for the rest of the show.
01:41You're in a relationship?
01:46Uh, what's his name?
01:55Oh, you're straight.
01:57Just suck dick.
01:58I get it.
02:03My brother, I love you, man.
02:05From the bottom of my heart, you have a great sense of humor.
02:08But please, change your name.
02:13There's a beautiful Indian name that I can help you with.
02:16It's one of my favorite Indian names.
02:18Eat pussy.
02:20It's a much better name.
02:23Eat pussy.
02:25Eat pussy.
02:28Much better than suck dick.
02:31Only because you're straight.
02:33Now, if you weren't straight, that would have been a perfect name.
02:37Wow, you would have been the luckiest gay guy ever.
02:39Suck dick.
02:40Okay, no problem.
02:44What do you do for a living?
02:46I suck dick.
02:49I'm joking.
02:50That would have been fucked up.
02:52I would never stop.
02:53Max, stop!
02:55I'm going to stop.
02:57Because you're...
02:58I mean...
03:02I love how you're laughing so hard.
03:04You're amazing, dude.
03:05What's your job?
03:05What do you do?
03:06I'm a sap analyst.
03:07You're a...
03:08Sap analyst.
03:10SAP.
03:10SAP?
03:13Do you know what that is?
03:15He has no idea.
03:16I.T.?
03:17Are you also Indian?
03:19She translated for me.
03:23Max, I mean, you're stupid.
03:26Everybody knows what that is.
03:28I tell you the abbreviation stands for I.T.
03:33I appreciate it.
03:34Do you know suck dick?
03:38He's the nicest guy in the world.
03:41In Australia, when you say your name, do people like joke with you?
03:47Nobody.
03:48They get scared, huh?
03:49They're like, oh, shit.
03:51Now am I?
03:52Now am I?
03:54He run away.
03:56Ah!
03:58I, my guy, will suck my dick!
04:02All right.
04:03We're going to stop here, okay?
04:06Can I be honest?
04:09You have super power with the name suck dick, you know?
04:13To be able to live in a society, English-speaking country, and you're like, no, I'm not going to change
04:18my name.
04:19I am suck dick.
04:21It's a beautiful Indian name.
04:23You don't like it?
04:24Suck my dick.
04:33And I want to say, I swear to God, Indians, not only the nicest people, but they have the best
04:39sense of humor in the motherfucking world, and you're the prime example of it.
04:46What a dude, man.
04:48Ten minutes, we talked about his name, and he didn't even give a shit.
04:55Are you Greek?
04:56Yes.
04:56I want to learn some Greek names.
04:58What's your name?
04:58Mario.
04:59Mario?
05:00Oh, that's Italian.
05:03You guys have very interesting names.
05:05What's your name?
05:06Spiros.
05:06Spiros.
05:07I love that.
05:09Why didn't you get a cool name like Spiros?
05:14Right here.
05:15Right here.
05:16What's your name?
05:17Kiriakos.
05:20No.
05:22Your name is Kiriakos?
05:26It's a Greek name.
05:28Kiriakos.
05:32In my language, this is the worst two names next to each other.
05:41Kiriakos.
05:48Oh, his name is Kiriakos?
05:55Dude, you get this?
05:58Straight up.
05:59Where are you from?
06:01Greek?
06:02How do you say dick in Greek?
06:06Pans.
06:08Why did you change your mind halfway through?
06:11You said something and you go, no, I changed it in my name.
06:15No.
06:16A lot of words.
06:18What's the worst?
06:20Because this is the worst for us.
06:25Hold on.
06:26I don't understand.
06:26What is it?
06:27Putos.
06:28Putos?
06:31Putos.
06:32And then, what's the opposite?
06:34The worst?
06:35Muni.
06:38Muni.
06:40When you say it, do you have to do this?
06:45Yeah?
06:45You say, muni.
06:50Putos.
06:53Muni.
06:54Putos.
06:56Muni.
06:56This guy, this guy does sign language at the same time.
07:01So, the prime minister's name is Putos Muni.
07:06You get it?
07:12You come to Iran and you go, who's the prime minister?
07:15You go, Putos Muni.
07:17Putos Muni.
07:22What's that?
07:23You came from Iceland?
07:26Ask her name?
07:27Sure.
07:27What's your name?
07:28Muni.
07:33Say it again.
07:35Muni.
07:39Muni.
07:40Go again.
07:42Muni.
07:43Oh my God.
07:44Muni.
07:46I was wrong again?
07:48That's a really beautiful name.
07:52That's really your name?
07:54You were born with that name?
07:57Can I ask an honest question?
07:59Your mom and dad, do you have speech impairment?
08:02So when you're born, the nurse is like, what should we name the name?
08:11Excuse me, what is it?
08:12One second.
08:16Okay, we got it.
08:17No, no.
08:18Fuck!
08:22The nurse walks away with it.
08:25And no one can ever say her name, ever.
08:29Even the parents, they have a paper next to them all the time.
08:33Jennifer.
08:35Linda.
08:42You're so cute.
08:46That's why you have a nickname, which is...
08:52What is it?
09:00Yo, the nickname is harder than the name.
09:06She goes, no.
09:09Well, you're so beautiful.
09:10From Iceland, yeah?
09:12Yeah, it must have been cold the day you were born.
09:15That's why your parents were stuttering that day.
09:27You guys like it?
09:29Like...
09:32It's like...
09:33You cannot say her name without spitting out...
09:41How romantic is it for the husband?
09:43I love you.
09:48Give me a kiss.
09:53She's standing there like...
09:57I love you too.
10:01Oh, that's so good.
10:02Husband, what's your name?
10:05You don't have a husband?
10:06Well, if you change your name, you find love.
10:14Really, I'm so glad you guys came.
10:15What's your name?
10:16James.
10:17James?
10:18Very Chinese.
10:21What about you, honey?
10:23Sonia.
10:23Well, you guys have the easiest Chinese names I've ever heard in my life.
10:27James and Sonia.
10:28It's not your real name?
10:30What is your real name?
10:31Mu Chao.
10:32Mu Chao.
10:33I like Mu Chao.
10:35Mu Chao sounds very cool, man.
10:37And it's easy.
10:39And James, what's your real name?
10:41Hao.
10:41Hao?
10:42Yeah.
10:42F***ing easy.
10:45But very confusing, right?
10:47Hi, I'm Max.
10:49Hao.
10:53Hao.
10:53Hao, my name is Max.
10:55Well, my parents named me Max.
10:57Hao.
10:58Hao.
11:00That's why you changed his name.
11:01That's why you changed his name.
11:02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:04I love that.
11:05I love your name.
11:06Hao.
11:06Sir, you got the job.
11:07Hao.
11:10Are you not sure that you're good at this job?
11:13Hao.
11:15I love you too.
11:16I'm so happy you're here, yeah?
11:17And I love you more, honey.
11:20I'm very happy that I have more and more Chinese fans, you know?
11:23It's great.
11:24I love the Chinese culture.
11:25Yeah?
11:26Hao.
11:27I explain.
11:29I love fortune cookies.
11:31And I crack it.
11:32It's just a sound.
11:33And you just pull that thing out.
11:35And it says something so positive, so beautiful.
11:38Your dick will grow longer.
11:44Drink more green tea.
11:47That's so wonderful.
11:48How long have you been living in Austin?
11:5026 years.
11:5226 years?
11:53You're kidding me.
11:54Hao.
11:57No, no, I'm not saying Hao.
11:58I'm saying 26 years.
11:59Hao.
12:01Hao.
12:02Hao.
12:03Hao.
12:03Hao.
12:03That's wonderful.
12:04And what do you do here now?
12:05I love food.
12:07You're a physician.
12:12Chinese don't age.
12:14He looks 22 years old.
12:17Wow.
12:17Okay, good for you.
12:18What kind of physician?
12:20Family doctor.
12:21Smart business, right?
12:22You meet a family, you go, I kill all of you.
12:27Hao.
12:29Let's go.
12:30I show you.
12:34What's your name, sir?
12:36Thaddeus.
12:37Darius?
12:38Thaddeus.
12:40Thaddeus.
12:41Thaddeus.
12:44Thaddeus.
12:45Thaddeus?
12:46Thaddeus.
12:47Okay, and where are you from?
12:49Virginia.
12:50Virginia.
12:51I've never heard a name.
12:53Thaddeus.
12:54It's a Greek god.
12:56Oh, really?
12:56It's a Greek god?
13:00You look like a Greek god.
13:02And are you Greek?
13:04No.
13:08You're so white, you're like, I need something interesting.
13:12I need to change my name to various.
13:15I like it.
13:16That's your lady with you?
13:18Nice to meet you, darling.
13:20What's your name?
13:20Stacy.
13:21Stacy?
13:22Oh, you're so beautiful.
13:23Thanks for coming.
13:24Do you guys work for, uh, ice?
13:33I should ask.
13:36It's a safety move.
13:38Did you?
13:39It's very rare.
13:41I have two super white, white, extra white, transparent white.
13:47Various type of white.
13:50I'm very happy you're here, even if you, uh, kick us all out of the country.
14:00What?
14:04My name is Payam, but I go by Payam.
14:09Her name is Payam, but she goes by Payam.
14:15Payam, in the Iranian culture, it's a, it's a guy's name.
14:22When she was born, they thought she has a...
14:30When she was born, her arm was between her legs.
14:34They're like, it's a boy.
14:36It's a boy.
14:37It's a big boy.
14:40Look how big this boy is.
14:42Oh, my God.
14:44Payam, in the Iranian culture, means message.
14:47Like, he's coming out with a big message.
14:52And then they're like, no, it's her arm.
14:54Oh, shit.
14:56We named her Payam already.
14:58Okay, how about Pam?
15:00Go by Pam.
15:02This guy, fun.
15:04Look how fun this guy is with his gym outfits.
15:08Buddy, you're so tall.
15:106'4 or something, huh?
15:12How tall are you?
15:136'4.
15:146'4, exactly.
15:16What's your name?
15:19Romack.
15:24His name is Romack.
15:28For my non...
15:29Let me explain.
15:30For my non-person.
15:31In the Iranian culture,
15:35Romack is a girl's name.
15:43He was born.
15:46Nothing was there.
15:50They're like, oh, my God, it's a girl.
15:53Romack it is.
15:57Two weeks later, something poked out.
16:06They're like, oh, my God, something is happening.
16:10Oh, my God, Romack is a guy.
16:16I've never met a Romack this big in my life.
16:21What's your name?
16:21Romack.
16:27What's your name?
16:28Elspeth.
16:29Aspen?
16:30I said not Aspen.
16:33She said not Aspen.
16:37I want to get your name right.
16:38Say it one more time.
16:39Elspeth.
16:41Elspeth.
16:42Elspeth.
16:43Elspeth.
16:44Elspeth.
16:44Okay, I did good.
16:45Elspeth.
16:46Yeah?
16:46Okay, let's get to know a few more Norwegians.
16:50Sir, what's your name?
16:51Andres.
16:51Andres.
16:52Very easy.
16:53Even easier than else.
16:54Buh.
16:55Yeah?
16:56Andres.
16:57Buddy, what's your name?
16:58Stig.
16:59Stig?
17:01Are you sure?
17:03Why did it end?
17:05Stig.
17:07There's no ending to the name?
17:10They just left it halfway.
17:13Stig.
17:16Ask your parents.
17:18They might have forgotten to finish it on paper, yeah?
17:21Stig.
17:22Like, it should be an ending to it, no?
17:28I'm happy you came to my show.
17:29What's your last name?
17:33Dickinson.
17:35Let me tell you a story real quick, Dickinson.
17:38I did have a friend at age seven, yeah?
17:42Age seven.
17:42I brought one of my friends home.
17:44When you're a young Persian kid, you live in America, you bring your friends home.
17:47It's very scary because your white friends need to be already educated before they meet your parents, yeah?
17:55I'm seven, eight years old.
17:57I was very young.
17:58I'm bringing my friend home, and I said, hey, bro, when you come in, when you see my parents,
18:02just, if they said anything, just pretend it's cool, okay?
18:04Don't be scared.
18:05They're really nice people, but sometimes they come off scary, but they're really nice people, okay?
18:10It's like, all right, well, it's okay.
18:11So the kid walks into my house.
18:13My dad, who is this?
18:16Who are you?
18:17Who is your family?
18:18What does your father do?
18:21Where do you come from?
18:24It's so intense.
18:26Then he goes, my name is Dick.
18:27Dick!
18:29Oh my God!
18:31Your parents call you Dick.
18:35Dick!
18:35Honey, they call him Dick.
18:39How does your mother call you?
18:41Dick, come in.
18:42Dick, go out.
18:44And then he got mad.
18:46Get this dick out of my house!
18:48Get this dick out of my house!
18:52And I was a kid.
18:53I'm like, Dad, relax.
18:54I like Dick.
18:59That's the last day I saw Dick Dickinson.
19:07Buddy, what kind of piss you had to take in the middle of the most important part of the
19:10shit you got off?
19:12There was a make-out scene and you're like, I don't care.
19:14I'm going to peace.
19:17You missed the most epic part of the show.
19:20Isn't that much of an emergency, bro?
19:23You're a big guy too.
19:24You got up, the whole theater emptied.
19:28What's your name?
19:29Jihad.
19:30Jihad?
19:31Buddy, take it easy.
19:34Thank you so much.
19:37You can leave anytime you like.
19:40You want to make peace with you.
19:43My name is Allahu Akbar.
19:46Take it easy, okay?
19:49Why?
19:49Why did you even show up tonight?
19:52You're scaring everybody.
19:56You kept your name.
19:58Wow.
19:59How do you live in Canada?
20:03Who gives a job to this guy?
20:04Hi, what's your name?
20:05Jihad.
20:07Can you imagine this guy working customer service?
20:09Hello, thank you for calling Tim Horton.
20:10This is Jihad speaking.
20:15Is that your real birth name?
20:17No.
20:18No?
20:21His name was like Majid.
20:22He's like, not good enough.
20:24He's going around like, my name is Majid.
20:26Can you say, I'm like, oh, nice to meet you.
20:27Oh, it doesn't scare them.
20:30I'm going to change it to Jihad.
20:31Come on.
20:33Next, you're going to be a virgin.
20:33I'm going to be a virgin.
20:34Everybody means oh, let me be a virgin.
20:38They're going to be a virgin...
20:38They're gonna be a virgin, you're going to be a virgin.
20:40I'm going to serum in the air.
20:41Family look for a virgin.
20:42I'm gonna get up.
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