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TVTranscript
00:30Honey, I'm home.
01:01One badge, one gun, three horns, and Triceracops.
01:06Triceracops, you're unconventional!
01:08One more stunt like that and I'll have your badge!
01:10Have this.
01:14Anything else, Lieutenant?
01:19Triceracops, coming this fall on ABC.
01:22Wow, a maverick cop who can't work within the system.
01:26I think that's unprecedented.
01:29Yeah.
01:30Yeah.
01:36Oh!
01:37Oh!
01:38Jeez!
01:41Oh!
01:42Jeez!
01:43Yike!
01:44Oh!
01:49Yep, it's me.
01:51Need a change.
01:52I guess you're feeling pretty proud now, aren't you?
01:55Made it all by myself.
01:57Oh!
01:59I think you better do something about this, Polly boy.
02:02I'm beginning to feel a little bit woozy.
02:07Yeah, all right.
02:08I guess there's no avoiding the dirty work.
02:11Cran, we need a diaper change in here, pronto.
02:15Three and four and five and six and...
02:18Okay, okay, sweet ladies.
02:21You've laid your eggs.
02:22Now it's time to shake those tails and tighten those tushies.
02:26And one and two...
02:29Grandma, you could do some exercise in your chair, you know?
02:32Believe me, sweetie.
02:33At my age, waking up is all the exercise I need.
02:38Franny, you gotta change the kid.
02:40The wallpaper's starting to peel in here.
02:42Okay, Earl, I'll be right in.
02:47Fran, why can't he do it?
02:50You mean Earl changed the diaper?
02:52Yeah.
02:53Oh, no.
02:53It's not like he's real busy in there.
02:55I don't know.
02:56Watching TV, burping, scratching himself, his plate's pretty full.
03:02Yeah, Mom.
03:03Why don't you let Daddy change the diaper once in a while?
03:05Oh, I couldn't do that.
03:06Why not?
03:08Well, because...
03:10I don't know.
03:12I just never have.
03:13Fran, if you're ever going to have a life of your own, you've got to train Earl to take
03:17a little responsibility.
03:19Train him?
03:19But that sounds so cold.
03:21Nonsense.
03:22It's a perfectly normal part of marriage.
03:24Here.
03:25If he gives you any trouble, just smack him on the snout with this.
03:29Mother, please.
03:30Franny, get in here.
03:32And bring a beer while you're at it.
03:34And some pretzels, too.
03:35Give me that.
03:37I've changed every diaper in this house for the past 15 years.
03:42Now it's your turn.
03:43Well, we're skipping my turn.
03:46I'm not getting any pressure over here.
03:50You know, Dad, Mom's got a point.
03:52It is kind of sexist to expect her to change all the diapers just because she's a female.
03:57Well, we don't want to be sexist now, do we, son?
04:01Uh-huh.
04:01Here.
04:02Knock yourself out.
04:03I'm waiting.
04:05Earl, this isn't Robbie's responsibility.
04:07Oh, thanks, Mom.
04:08Later.
04:09I'll be back in 10 minutes.
04:12What?
04:13Does it stink in here?
04:14Or is it me?
04:16All right.
04:18Let's get this over with.
04:19Roy, give me a hand.
04:21Daddy.
04:22Easy.
04:22Careful.
04:24Let's see what we got here.
04:27Easy.
04:29You sure you know what you're doing?
04:32Having a clue.
04:33Mommy!
04:34Hey.
04:36Don't you worry, little guy.
04:37You're incapable hands.
04:39You can see your dad and Uncle Roy have everything under control.
04:42Yes.
04:43Yes.
04:44Hey, hey.
04:45Watch it.
04:45Watch it.
04:45Watch it.
04:46Watch it.
04:46Let's open her up.
04:47Easy.
04:47Oh, no.
04:50Oh, no.
04:51Oh, no.
04:52Oh, no.
04:52Oh, no.
04:52Oh, no.
04:53Oh, no.
04:53Oh, no.
04:54Oh, no.
04:54It's okay.
04:55It's okay.
04:55We can get through this.
04:57Let's just breathe through our mouths and think of daisies.
05:03Roy.
05:04Roy.
05:05Roy, don't leave me alone here with this.
05:07No.
05:08Don't you point that thing at me.
05:11Oh, God.
05:13Gotcha.
05:19Oh, jeez.
05:20Oh.
05:21Earl, it couldn't have been that bad.
05:23Oh, friend.
05:24It was horrible.
05:26I mean, I heard stories.
05:28But nothing could prepare me for that.
05:31It was no picnic for me either.
05:34Well, you better get used to it, Earl,
05:35because it's going to be your responsibility.
05:37From now on.
05:38Huh?
05:39I am not changing any more diapers.
05:42Neither am I.
05:44This could get ugly.
05:47This is females' work.
05:49That's why I married a female.
05:51We'll discuss this later.
05:53I don't want to lose my temper in front of the B-A-B-Y.
05:58Okay, but I'm telling you right now,
06:00I'm not changing any more D-I-P.
06:03No, wait.
06:04Uh, D-A-I...
06:05No, no, no, no, no, no.
06:06Uh, D-A-P...
06:08Oh, no, no.
06:09G...
06:10Uh, J...
06:11Earl, he's your son, too.
06:12And you're going to change every last one of his diapers
06:15until he's potty trained.
06:17That's it?
06:18Huh?
06:18Potty training.
06:19What?
06:20You got an hour before you have to cook dinner.
06:22Huh?
06:22Take him up to the bathroom, show him how it's done.
06:24We both off the hook.
06:25First of all, Earl, potty training takes weeks.
06:28And second of all, he's too young.
06:30First of all, Fran, you're wrong.
06:32And second of all, you're wrong.
06:35So I guess you'll lose this argument.
06:37You think the baby could be potty trained?
06:39Fine, you do it.
06:40Fine.
06:41I'll have this kid out of diapers in no time.
06:44Fine.
06:45What are we talking about?
06:47Now, you're a big boy.
06:49You're going to start using the potty just like Bobby and Daddy.
06:52Doesn't that sound like fun?
06:54No.
06:55Hey, is that any way to talk to your new friend?
06:58Here, watch me.
07:01Hi there, Mr. Toilet.
07:03How are you today?
07:04Oh, fine, Earl.
07:06Good to see you again.
07:09Is it our special time already?
07:11Oh, not for me, Mr. Toilet.
07:13I brought a little friend who'd like to meet you.
07:16He'd like to know how you work, Mr. T.
07:19Oh, well, if he's a friend of yours, I'd be happy to tell him.
07:23And by the way, did you lose weight?
07:26You look terrific.
07:28Oh, stop it.
07:29No, I mean it.
07:30No, you shouldn't.
07:32No, you do.
07:33You look...
07:36All right, that does it.
07:39What?
07:41See?
07:42Here.
07:42What's that thing?
07:43This is Mr. Toilet's son.
07:47Hey, there's a hole in this chair.
07:49Of course there's a hole in it.
07:51That's the whole point.
07:53Now, go.
07:55Don't want to go.
07:56Oh, come on.
07:59Mr. Toilet's a friend.
08:00No.
08:01And the best way to treat a new friend is to sit in them and give them a big present.
08:06That's disgusting.
08:08That may be, but you're going to do it anyway, because it's time for you to grow up.
08:13Don't want to grow up.
08:15You gotta.
08:16No.
08:17All right, let's see what it says.
08:24If friendly encouragement does not succeed, mental imagery can be used to induce results.
08:30No.
08:31For example, you can ask the child to imagine a babbling brook flowing forth rushing water.
08:39Or a large dam ready to burst under the weight of an immense rain-swollen reservoir.
08:47Or a gushing, rushing, splishing, splashing waterfall.
08:52Spraying forth a mighty stream.
08:54Mighty stream.
08:55Frickling, drizzling, drip, drip, drip.
08:59Oh, out of my way.
09:00I'll show you.
09:01Hurry, hurry, hurry.
09:02Take room for daddy.
09:03Watch it, watch it.
09:04Thanks, Mom.
09:05You're welcome, dear.
09:05Ooh, hors d'oeuvre.
09:07Ah.
09:07Mmm.
09:10How do you do, Earl?
09:11Fine.
09:11Now, let's eat.
09:12I'm starved.
09:13Oh.
09:18And what would you be doing?
09:20Nothing.
09:24You're going to make a poop, aren't you?
09:26Maybe.
09:30He's going.
09:31Definitely.
09:32Are you going or not?
09:36Not anymore.
09:38All right, sir.
09:40That's it.
09:41We're going back up to the bathroom, and we're not coming out until one of us is potty trained.
09:46No.
09:46No.
09:47Yes.
09:50Daddy?
09:51Don't gotta go.
09:53Tough.
09:54Have another prune.
09:56No, no, no.
09:58Warden, what brings you down here?
10:00Bad news, Rocco.
10:02The governor turned down your appeal for clemency.
10:05He said you're not civilized enough to live in society.
10:09Civilized?
10:10Who wants to be civilized?
10:11It's freedom I'm after.
10:13Freedom to do what I want to do and go where I want to go.
10:16I want to go where I want to go.
10:18You're going to go right now.
10:20Wait, I'm going to get you some prune juice.
10:22That'll make you go.
10:25Don't be a baby, Rocco.
10:27Get in the chair.
10:27No, not the chair.
10:30Not the chair.
10:32Society has spoken, Rocco.
10:34It's time to give you the juice.
10:36No, not the juice.
10:38Not the juice.
10:40Ah!
10:43Ah, Mother Phillips.
10:51You're lying there so calm and peaceful.
10:54If only I had a tag on your toe.
11:03Baby, I'm coming.
11:05I got something for you.
11:08I'm going to go where I want to go.
11:18There.
11:20Junior, have we made a little deposit in the porcelain bank?
11:26Huh?
11:28Huh?
11:30Oh.
11:31Oh, no.
11:32Oh.
11:34Oh, no.
11:37Hold your breath.
12:04Don't worry, little guy.
12:05I'm going to get you out of there.
12:07You may feel a little pressure.
12:09Just relax and don't touch anything.
12:16Are you two still in there?
12:18Um.
12:19Oh, hi, honey.
12:21What's up?
12:23Earl, it's late.
12:24Come to bed.
12:25You can try again tomorrow.
12:26Fran, this is a delicate procedure.
12:28Ranger, I know what I'm doing.
12:30Go back to sleep.
12:33Oh, my son.
12:36Earl, did he go?
12:38Oh, yeah.
12:39He's gone.
12:40He went?
12:41Oh, that's wonderful.
12:42I'm so proud of both of you.
12:45Are you coming to bed?
12:47Yeah, in a minute.
12:48We're, uh, basking in the afterglow.
12:51Oh, I'm coming, son.
13:12Pretty.
13:14Whoa.
13:16Breakfast time.
13:17I'm hungry.
13:18Somebody feed me.
13:20Hey, pal, this is the forest.
13:22Nobody tells anybody what to do around here.
13:24If you're hungry, get yourself something to eat.
13:26Yeah.
13:27Well, okay, where's the fridge?
13:29Fridge?
13:30What's a fridge?
13:31As I understand it, it's a sort of prison for very tiny creatures.
13:34It's very cold, there are no windows, and for some reason, there are adjustable shelves.
13:38Wow.
13:39What a bizarre concept.
13:41Ah, civilization is filled with bizarre concepts.
13:44That's why I've always steered clear of it.
13:46Me, too.
13:46Me, too.
13:47Why did you leave?
13:48Daddy made me go potty.
13:49Oh.
13:51Yeah.
13:53What's a potty?
13:54Oh, another affectation of the civilized world.
13:56You see, apparently when nature calls, you've got to go to this one particular room and sit
14:01in this special chair.
14:02Wow.
14:03You're making this up.
14:04No, wait, wait, wait.
14:06It's even more perverse than that.
14:08Everyone uses the same chair.
14:10Oh.
14:13But, but wait.
14:15What if you've got to go and someone's already using the chair?
14:18Then you have to wait.
14:19What if you can't wait?
14:21You have to.
14:22Yeah.
14:22Oh.
14:23Boom.
14:23This is definitely not for me.
14:25No.
14:25Me, neither.
14:26I want to go where I want to go.
14:29Well, that's how we do it out here.
14:31Uh-huh.
14:31You can go anytime you want, anywhere you want.
14:34Yeah.
14:35Oh.
14:35Anywhere?
14:36Mm-hmm.
14:36Except over there.
14:38That's the volleyball court.
14:39Right.
14:39Oh, yes, of course.
14:41Boy, I like the forest.
14:43Hey, can I stay here with you?
14:45Oh, absolutely.
14:46Yeah.
14:46All are welcome here to do as you want, to live as you will in this verdant paradise where
14:52nature's bounty provides for all and all creatures coexist in perfect harmony.
14:57Hello.
14:59Wait, wait.
15:01Except for that guy.
15:03Oh, oh, Pat, come on.
15:06Put me down.
15:07Put me down.
15:08My pleasure.
15:10Arms away.
15:15Oh.
15:22Again.
15:25Oh.
15:26Hi.
15:27I'm the baby.
15:28Gotta love me.
15:29Oh, believe me, I do.
15:31And so are my little ones as soon as they hatch.
15:34Yay.
15:35Playmates.
15:36Not exactly.
15:37Although they do have a tendency to play with their food before tearing it to bits.
15:42Huh?
15:43Perhaps I'm being a bit obtuse.
15:45You see, when these little darlings hatch, they're going to require sustenance.
15:49And you, my rotund little reptile, will be their first course.
15:54I'm food?
15:55In a word.
15:57And don't even think about escaping.
15:59The fall would be most unpleasant.
16:01Ah!
16:07This stinks.
16:11Move!
16:12Get out!
16:13Go!
16:14Ah!
16:17Huh?
16:20Earl?
16:22Morning, Fran.
16:24Are you two still in there?
16:25Uh, everything's fine, dear.
16:27We're on a roll.
16:28I want you to open this door.
16:29Uh, no can do, honey.
16:31Big things happening in here.
16:32Don't want to lose momentum.
16:33Hey, mind if I cut in front of you?
16:35You know, I'm late for school.
16:36I was here first.
16:37Robbie, I want you to break down the door.
16:39Hey, you don't have to go that bad.
16:41I do.
16:42Watch it.
16:45Whoa.
16:48Dad!
16:49Earl, Snead, Sinclair!
16:50What are you doing?
16:53And where is my baby?
16:55Oh, well, that would depend, sweetheart.
16:58Where's the nearest ocean?
17:00Oh, wow.
17:01Dad flushed the baby down the toilet.
17:02Oh, I'm so sorry, Fran.
17:05I left him to get some juice, and when I came back,
17:07he'd been sucked down the toilet.
17:10Earl, that's not possible.
17:11Hey, somebody get down here and help me.
17:14Help!
17:15Now what?
17:17Help!
17:19Mom, what's wrong?
17:21Well, first of all, you married that.
17:24Oh!
17:25But I was calling because my wheelchair's missing.
17:28Hey, everybody, the back door's open.
17:30Oh!
17:32Oh!
17:33You stay here.
17:35What'd you expect, fat boy?
17:38Look!
17:39The baby's bottle.
17:42Oh!
17:42Check it out.
17:43Wheelchair tracks.
17:44Oh!
17:46Great Scott!
17:47What?
17:48Don't you see what's happened?
17:51Some fiend broke in, flushed the baby down the toilet, drank his juice, and then escaped
17:58in Ethel's wheelchair.
18:00And yet he didn't take my wallet.
18:04We're obviously dealing with someone very stupid.
18:08Robbie, take your father and find the baby.
18:11Oh, yeah.
18:11Charlene, you call the police.
18:13Right.
18:13I'll wait here in case he comes back.
18:16Comes back?
18:17But, friend, he doesn't know how to swim.
18:21Um, don't worry, Dad.
18:22I'll explain it to you on the way.
18:24Yeah, it'll be fine.
18:25Come on.
18:26Yeah, I got you back.
18:26Don't worry about it.
18:27Big gotcha.
18:27Yeah, come on.
18:30Shh.
18:31Go to sleep!
18:33Nighty-night!
18:34Nighty-night!
18:35Go to sleep!
18:38Go to sleep!
18:40Go to sleep!
18:42Make your eggies!
18:44La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
19:11this is all my fault he wasn't ready for potty training but i was too blind to see
19:16i was only concerned with my own needs why am i so selfish why why
19:22hey i think i see something hand me the binoculars no they're mine take this ah right
19:28ha what it's ethos wheelchair well come on okay here here come on daddy's here okay i'll buy the
19:41ceramic chair filled with water i'll even believe that they build the whole room around that one
19:46chair but what's the roll of paper for well as i understand it and i don't quite believe this
19:51myself they take it what have you done with my son the demanding little pink fellow wheeling
19:58about in a chair that's um what happened to him well apparently he fled civilization because some
20:03malicious bully tried to make him sit on a potty after that well we chatted a bit and then he
20:09was
20:09carried away by a large winged reptile over that way over this way come on dad
20:29job no why not you'll make me go potty no no no i promise i won't i was wrong to
20:37make you do it
20:38yeah and i won't make you do it again good so calm down no oh come on i said i
20:45was sorry
20:46i'll prove it i'll prove it to you look i'll prove it to you look i brought a diaper i
20:50surrender
20:52i'll think about it
20:59daddy oh oh come on i got you i got you i got you
21:08again nice couch dad
21:13oh are you okay son yeah boy i was scared i was so scared i i need a new diaper
21:22oh got one right
21:23here and we got plenty more at home and we'll just keep on using them until you're ready okay okay
21:31okay okay so are you ready not yet oh but you'll be ready soon right don't push me okay
21:49daddy daddy
21:53i'm sleeping i'm ready
22:02okay here's your special chair now imagine there's a fire and you are the fire captain
22:10no no no no i'm not on fire the fire is over there
22:31now
22:32fine
22:32and
23:02We're right back.
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