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Short filmTranscript
00:00:11okay time for the last race let's go parents roll those kids on over
00:00:17don't you think we're getting a little too old for this sort of thing
00:00:20from the last year the potato sack luge and the endless wheel rail race
00:00:27okay time to separate the real champs from the armchair apple bobbers it's the wheelbarrow race
00:00:35hello oh yes well i'm feeling that in the past you have been torn between
00:00:40prior commitments new goals go for the fresh start you're gonna find love you're gonna find support
00:00:45you're gonna find profound happiness thanks but i just want some popcorn bon appetit
00:00:52oh come on dad we've won every other event can't we just sit this one out no way did ted
00:00:57williams sit out the last game of the season to protect his 400 average i don't think so
00:01:01he went to the plate and batted three four five who's ted williams ted williams
00:01:10never mind i feel that in the past you have been held back but at the first of the month
00:01:15you're gonna have a chance to put down some new emotional roots and you're gonna find some major
00:01:19challenges in your future i'm just a kid what am i gonna be when i grow up
00:01:25oh well you're gonna be a dancer who wants to be a dancer all right uh that's not what i
00:01:33meant
00:01:33i mean they um try astronaut astronaut well you're so sure of yourself you don't need me
00:01:41okay so who's gonna be my wheels
00:01:46sam we're kind of on a roll here what do you say you want to bring home the gold
00:01:50time to make the family proud
00:01:56hi what do you want to be dancer astronaut popcorn take it and go
00:02:03hi oh hi emma honey i just don't get it why doesn't anybody want to hear about my predictions
00:02:09i don't know mom but i predict that dad will never choose me to be on his team
00:02:17now i'm telling you this my girls i don't want to jump with the oddball song
00:02:22wait kids do this say it again my boy selector
00:02:26come on don't come on don't come on don't come on don't come on we're almost there
00:02:32come on we got it we got it we're doing it all right
00:02:44and continuing their father-daughter dynasty in the wheelbarrow competition jerry and sam stanton
00:03:09don't even think about it
00:03:11oh come on denise i'm on fire the wheelbarrow race the three-legged race the potato sack
00:03:18the kid and moi we were great yeah which is exactly what i have to talk to you about
00:03:23okay but get out of the way i bet i can sink all four of these in two seconds timey
00:03:27come on move move
00:03:30okay jerry sink those dishes
00:03:33what are you nine
00:03:37it was just a stupid wheelbarrow race
00:03:40you know what there's a gene pool problem here
00:03:43excuse me i must have missed the good athlete gene
00:03:47come on we have to talk
00:03:50all right
00:03:51race to the couch
00:03:54win victory
00:03:58okay are you listening
00:03:59this is important
00:04:00okay
00:04:01okay you have got to stop pigeonholing the girls
00:04:05there's more to sam than sports and there's more to emma than pretty dresses
00:04:09don't be so hard on yourself
00:04:11i mean you're pretty decent at sports
00:04:15decent
00:04:16i'm the only kid in the history of evansville to strike out in t-ball
00:04:21honey i think i know my daughters pretty well and i've never gotten the feeling that emma's really big on
00:04:25sports
00:04:25well you should have seen the look on emma's face when you chose sam for the wheelbarrow race
00:04:29well you know that wheelbarrow race is a pretty physically demanding event and
00:04:34emma had that hand injury a few weeks back
00:04:37emma had a broken nail
00:04:39exactly and i thought that it might throw her game
00:04:43jerry come on we both know why you chose sam it's because you wanted to win
00:04:47you always want to win
00:04:48we don't
00:04:50yes you do
00:04:51don't
00:04:52are you making fun of me
00:04:53huh
00:04:53no
00:04:54show what you're doing
00:04:54give it up
00:04:55you win
00:04:56well mark mcguire used to strike out in t-ball
00:04:59is that true
00:05:00no
00:05:01but if it makes you feel any better
00:05:03i would trade every single one of those trophies for just one of the looks you get from all the
00:05:07guys at school
00:05:09what are you talking about guys are always coming up to you
00:05:12em
00:05:13the only guy who's approached me lately
00:05:15was a middle school football coach
00:05:16and he was looking for a place kicker
00:05:21ouch
00:05:22what was that
00:05:24that's it
00:05:25i'm holding a garage sale
00:05:32uh dad think you could drop us off a couple blocks away next time
00:05:36oh i get it
00:05:37you're at that age where you're embarrassed to be seen with the old man
00:05:40say no more
00:05:44i guess when you get older you have a higher tolerance
00:05:46for humiliation
00:05:47that must be it
00:06:11how about kayaks we have a special today on kayaks
00:06:19i can do what
00:06:21no why don't you take the kayak
00:06:51dave
00:06:54end of an era
00:06:54end of an era what are you talking about
00:06:56oh you might want to sit down for this jere
00:06:59what's going on
00:07:00what's going on
00:07:01i don't quite know how to tell you this i could tell it to you fast or i could drag
00:07:04it out
00:07:04or i could
00:07:05dave we close at six
00:07:07two words jere
00:07:09co-ed
00:07:10that's one word co-ed what
00:07:13one more word
00:07:15co-ed soccer league
00:07:18are you telling me there are going to be girls in our league
00:07:20this poses a threat to our very existence
00:07:23i mean you know how expansion dilutes the talent pool in baseball
00:07:26we're not talking about some pint-sized underachiever who's just lucky to be in the league
00:07:32we're talking girls
00:07:33face it jere we're heading into the great unknown
00:07:37girls bring a whole other component into the game
00:07:42tears
00:07:44passion
00:07:45their moms
00:07:51wait a minute
00:07:52i'm covered
00:07:55i got sad
00:08:02how did you find out about the league going co-ed
00:08:04oh margie peters told me anyway
00:08:06i think it's a perfect opportunity for you to get involved with both the girls
00:08:09i mean what better way to put them on equal footing
00:08:13coaching the girls a youth soccer
00:08:15i don't know if that's such a good idea
00:08:17what's not such a good idea
00:08:18your father's soccer league has gone co-ed
00:08:21and he wanted to ask you both if you'd like to play on his team
00:08:24well denise i never
00:08:24cool i'm sick of being stuck in those dippy girl leagues
00:08:28emma
00:08:29um
00:08:30i guess so
00:08:32that is if dad wants me to
00:08:35terry
00:08:36oh you kidding
00:08:37i'd love to have you on the squad
00:08:39you'd
00:08:40you'd um
00:08:41bring to the team a whole lot of um
00:08:44you know you got all that
00:08:47well you guys would be
00:08:49an unbeatable pair
00:09:12hey guys
00:09:16so which one of you is coming in second this year
00:09:18i wouldn't be so overconfident if i were you
00:09:20yeah mike it's not the same league now
00:09:22you know what they say about girls huh
00:09:24they're great equalizers
00:09:26uh-huh
00:09:28do you think the me pods really go through his pants
00:09:31you look like a million bucks them
00:09:33one little tip though
00:09:35you may want to lose glasses
00:09:38okay
00:09:38how about everything else
00:09:41a little much
00:09:43okay
00:09:44see i hope emma's gonna be okay with this
00:09:46you know the draft can be pretty intense
00:09:48draft what draft
00:09:50draft you know when we pick the players
00:09:51jerry you didn't tell me there was gonna be some sort of pecking order here
00:09:55can't you just
00:09:56divvy them up or something
00:09:59denise these are players not playing cards
00:10:01well i realize that
00:10:03well then naturally you're going to pick emma first
00:10:08jerry you were going to make emma your first pick
00:10:11uh look denise don't take this the wrong way
00:10:13but there's a real good chance you'll still be available by the third round
00:10:17good idea sam
00:10:18now what can i do about the list in my case
00:10:20i'm not believing what i'm hearing here jerry
00:10:22if you don't pick emma first
00:10:24it defeats the whole purpose
00:10:26yeah but there's no guarantee sam will still be around by my last pick
00:10:29well that's just a risk we're gonna have to take won't we jerry
00:10:34won't we jerry
00:10:36yeah yeah
00:10:38please
00:10:40here you go
00:10:48this is just a warm-up drill we can't get back and forth
00:10:52ah
00:10:54hey
00:10:58can you say
00:10:59block that kick
00:11:01why
00:11:02cause that's what you mamby pambys gonna be chanting when they demote you to cheerleaders
00:11:08what's his problem
00:11:09not enough love as a child
00:11:11no
00:11:11his younger sister beat him up on the playground once
00:11:14and he's never been the same
00:11:16here give me the ball
00:11:17i'll show you how to do a header
00:11:21okay
00:11:21you know the drill
00:11:23this cool way thing doesn't change things a bit
00:11:27just more players for the coaches to watch
00:11:29more draft picks to make
00:11:31let's get started on the tryout right away
00:11:35let's go
00:11:36does it
00:11:45we'll do it
00:11:46yeah
00:11:48Oh, there you go.
00:12:08He's letting tickets.
00:12:18Let's go.
00:13:01All right, coaches, you've seen the players, time to make your picks.
00:13:05Jerry, the champ last year, you get to start us off.
00:13:08Okay.
00:13:10With our first pick, the Hurricanes choose...
00:13:18Emma, Stan.
00:13:23Dad, are you sure?
00:13:27Of course I'm sure. We're going to do great.
00:13:33Mitch, Sal, you're up.
00:13:36Sam, honey, is that trick knee still bothering you?
00:13:40What trick knee?
00:13:41My kid, huh?
00:13:43Sometimes the pain is so intense, she forgets all about it.
00:13:47The Bulls choose Wyatt Peterson.
00:13:50Frankie Rodriguez.
00:13:52Wyatt Peterson.
00:13:53No, we agreed on Frankie Rodriguez.
00:13:54No, Mitch, you agreed on Frankie Rodriguez.
00:13:57The Bulls choose Wyatt Rodriguez!
00:13:59What are you talking about?
00:13:59We need a couple of...
00:14:00Guys, guys!
00:14:01Hey, I'll get you an appointment with Judge Judy, okay?
00:14:04Odds or evens?
00:14:06Evens.
00:14:07One, two, three...
00:14:08Oh!
00:14:09Frankie, come on down.
00:14:12That Rodriguez better be good, otherwise you're in for it.
00:14:15I'm telling you.
00:14:15You owe me one.
00:14:17Adrian!
00:14:17Uh, Sam, are you going to miss any games because of those Saturday morning art classes?
00:14:22From 9 to 11, right in the middle of the games.
00:14:25That was finger painting, Dad, like ten years ago.
00:14:32Adrian!
00:14:34On behalf of the Redcoats, how about you?
00:14:40Oh, man!
00:14:43Yes!
00:14:44Yeah, one to go.
00:14:45Mike?
00:14:46Yeah, yeah, I'm just going over some stats here.
00:14:49Yeah, oh, hey, that DeLuca kid, he's a regular one-man highlight reel, isn't he?
00:14:53Do you mind?
00:14:55Sorry.
00:14:56Okay, uh, based on this, I'm going to go with, uh, with that DeLuca kid.
00:15:02Okay, guys, that's the end of the first round.
00:15:05Time to do it all again.
00:15:06Very.
00:15:07That will be me.
00:15:08Hey, guys!
00:15:09Sorry I'm late.
00:15:10I didn't miss the draft, did I?
00:15:12Hello, Willard.
00:15:13Not interrupting your lunch.
00:15:16Actually, Willard, you're just in time.
00:15:17Why don't you pick someone?
00:15:18Oh, well, the Buzzards...
00:15:20Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:15:22Hey, what happened to protocol?
00:15:23We're right in the middle of the second round.
00:15:25Hey, hey, hey, relax, Jerry.
00:15:26The guy's a few minutes late.
00:15:27Willard, make your pick.
00:15:30Well, seeing as how we're going forward this year,
00:15:32I think the Buzzards will go with, um...
00:15:36How about Sam?
00:15:49I'm smitten.
00:15:51His name is Greg, and he's ridiculously hot.
00:15:54Is that the guy who transferred from Glenwood?
00:15:56Yeah, that's him.
00:15:57Hope he hasn't noticed me staring at him wherever he goes.
00:16:00Why don't you just go up to him and introduce yourself?
00:16:03Because I'd have to remember my name.
00:16:05Relax, he's just a guy.
00:16:06He's a guy to you, God to me.
00:16:10Is that him over there?
00:16:14I'm out of here.
00:16:15Oh, no, you don't.
00:16:16We're just gonna go up to him and introduce ourselves.
00:16:19I can't.
00:16:21Just stay right behind me.
00:16:24This will be easier than you think.
00:16:26Hi.
00:16:27We just thought we'd introduce ourselves.
00:16:29Well, I'm very...
00:16:31I mean...
00:16:31I mean, we're very happy to meet you.
00:16:35Oh, that.
00:16:36When I said we, I meant me.
00:16:38It's an old tradition that I started today.
00:16:42I'm Greg.
00:16:43I'm Emma.
00:16:45Well, Emma, um, I've got a class to go to.
00:16:47Bye.
00:16:48It's very nice to meet you all.
00:16:53Sam?
00:16:58There's no way we're digging ourselves out of this hole, Jer.
00:17:01Let's face it.
00:17:04The Hurricane's dynasty is over.
00:17:06Hey, let's just chalk it up to being a rebuilding year.
00:17:11Rebuilding year.
00:17:12What kind of talk is that?
00:17:14That's not the Jerry who would stop at nothing for a victory.
00:17:18Hey, look, this doesn't mean I'm still not going to try to win the championship.
00:17:21Oh, yeah.
00:17:23How do you plan to do that?
00:17:24Every year, the Hurricanes won the championship.
00:17:27They always had a star player.
00:17:29And now...
00:17:31Sam's gone.
00:17:33How are you going to do it?
00:17:38Well, I guess I'm just going to have to become a better coach.
00:17:52Blue and white?
00:17:53Yeah, traditional Hurricane colors.
00:17:55Why don't you see if it fits?
00:17:57Guess I'm not going to be winning any fashion awards this year.
00:18:00I am.
00:18:00You look great in anything.
00:18:02Look, I'll see you out in the field.
00:18:07Don't tell me we're on the same team.
00:18:09Does my dad know you got your butt kicked by your younger sister?
00:18:13She's a lot bigger than I am, and she sucker punched me when I wasn't looking.
00:18:19Okay, folks.
00:18:20Skylar round.
00:18:20I want to say a few words.
00:18:24Okay, you guys.
00:18:25You're about to embark on a great journey.
00:18:28You've been chosen to represent Jerry's House of Sports Hurricanes.
00:18:31League champion, six years running.
00:18:33Now, each and every one of you has been specially picked.
00:18:36Okay?
00:18:36Hey, Bobby here is our main scorer.
00:18:38Richie is goalie.
00:18:39You're going to be the heart of our defense.
00:18:41Now, we're going to win big, and we're going to win ugly.
00:18:44This is going to be the greatest team in the storied history of this soccer league.
00:18:48Right?
00:18:49Right!
00:18:50All right, that's what I like to hear.
00:18:51Now, let's get out there and practice.
00:18:53Oh, Em.
00:18:54Em, honey.
00:18:54Look, I want to start you on defense out there, okay?
00:18:58Dad, blue isn't my best color.
00:19:00Are you really committed to blue and white?
00:19:03Um, Em, honey, that ship has already sailed.
00:19:06No problem.
00:19:07I can live with that.
00:19:22This was the competitive boys' league I was waiting for?
00:19:26Come on, guys.
00:19:27There she is.
00:19:30Are you Sam Stanton?
00:19:33That depends.
00:19:34Well, Sam, me and the team just want to welcome you on board.
00:19:39The Longview Funeral Home Buzzards?
00:19:42Hey, they're a really cool sponsor.
00:19:44Uh, just last week they let me and Robert use the place for some bio experiments.
00:19:49Yeah.
00:19:49Oh, uh, yeah, try it on.
00:19:51After all, you are one of us now.
00:19:59One of us!
00:20:00One of us!
00:20:02One of us!
00:20:03One of us!
00:20:05One of us!
00:20:06One of us!
00:20:11Sorry.
00:20:14It's all right, Ed.
00:20:16You're just a little overaggressive.
00:20:18Try undercoordinated.
00:20:31Better luck next time.
00:20:32Okay, who's next?
00:20:33That's good.
00:20:35Okay, whoa.
00:20:35I think you've got a helmet on.
00:20:37Yeah, you've got to stay on your feet.
00:20:38Oh, well, next time.
00:20:40Okay, next.
00:20:41Easy on those rubber bands.
00:20:43Oscar, remember, orthodoxy is not a weapon.
00:21:02Keep going.
00:21:04What were you thinking?
00:21:09Okay, people, we're going to go over one of my favorite plays,
00:21:12what I like to refer to as the Stanton sneak.
00:21:15Okay.
00:21:16Now, when we draw the defense to Bobby, we have two options.
00:21:19We can either pass off to Andy, who's going to be streaking down the sidelines,
00:21:23or we can go to Emma, who's going to be cherry-picking by the goal.
00:21:26All right, let's get out there and try it.
00:21:28Come on.
00:21:28Yeah.
00:21:29Got him.
00:21:30Um, Scott, I know I'm supposed to wait by the goal,
00:21:33but what's up with this cherry-picking thing?
00:21:36Oh, it's simple.
00:21:37It's the old sleeper play.
00:21:39Oh, sure.
00:21:40The old sleeper play.
00:21:43All you got to do is make it through, and you get a piece of pizza.
00:21:46Come on.
00:21:48Come on.
00:21:51There's a weird rat.
00:21:53Ready to get my boys to let them see.
00:21:56Next.
00:21:57Next.
00:21:57Next.
00:22:10Where's your pizza?
00:22:12It's hard to eat with this thing, but I am hungry.
00:22:17Here.
00:22:18Oh, okay.
00:22:19I'll give it a shot, but you might want to turn your head.
00:22:23It could get ugly.
00:22:27Okay, team.
00:22:28Two laps around the field.
00:22:30One, two, three, kick.
00:22:32One, two, three, kick.
00:22:36One, two, three, kick.
00:22:38One, two, three, kick.
00:22:40One, two, three, kick.
00:22:42One, two, three, kick.
00:22:44One, two, three, kick.
00:22:46One, two, three, kick.
00:22:47One, two, three, kick.
00:22:53Yes!
00:22:54I'm in the zone!
00:22:55I'm on fire!
00:22:56Come on.
00:22:57Best two out of three?
00:22:58Sorry, Mr. Stanton, but I've got some homework to do.
00:23:01I'll see you around.
00:23:03Hey, next!
00:23:05Who's next? Step right up.
00:23:07How about you? Come on.
00:23:08There he goes again.
00:23:10Well, I guess I was kind of hoping that playing for Dad would...
00:23:14You know, what a stupid commercial say, bring out the athlete in me.
00:23:18But it didn't quite work.
00:23:20And I was hoping to kick butt at practice.
00:23:23I'm not eating Bullard's stupid pizza.
00:23:25You get pizza at practice? Cool.
00:23:28Sounds like you'd be better off with Willard.
00:23:29Sounds like you'd be better off with Dad.
00:23:32Here, change places.
00:23:37What do you think?
00:23:39Why not? Remember that time in the second grade?
00:23:42We fooled everybody.
00:23:44I bet we could still pull off the great sister swap.
00:23:46And I'm sure Dad wouldn't mind.
00:23:48And Willard's so laid back, he probably wouldn't even notice.
00:23:51There's just one problem, though.
00:23:54Mom.
00:24:00Are you sure we just can't switch finder back?
00:24:02Are you kidding? She's coming to all the games.
00:24:05Might as well just tell her that this soccer thing's not working out.
00:24:08Tell her. She's a psychologist, Sam.
00:24:11Better we hint and let her draw it out of us.
00:24:14Okay.
00:24:16Hey, Mom. Could we talk to you for a sec?
00:24:19Yeah, it's kind of important.
00:24:20Sure you can. Come on in.
00:24:26So what's up?
00:24:27Well, to tell you the truth, Mom,
00:24:29as far as this whole soccer thing goes,
00:24:32I'm not sure I'm quite up to Dad's speed.
00:24:35Oh, honey, but you will be.
00:24:36Your father's promised me that coaching you is his number one priority.
00:24:42How about you, Sam?
00:24:44Well, Willard's team is a little... informal.
00:24:48I mean, he orders pizza at practice.
00:24:51That sounds great.
00:24:52So nice to see a man who's not obsessed with winning.
00:24:55Mom, guess what Sam and I are saying is...
00:24:59Well, we just think that'd be better if maybe we could...
00:25:03Look, girls, about the soccer league.
00:25:05I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell you.
00:25:12My family dynamic seminar, it just got changed to Saturdays,
00:25:15and I don't think I'm going to be able to make any of your games.
00:25:19You're not?
00:25:20I mean, that's too bad, Mom.
00:25:26Yeah, we could really use you out there cheering us on.
00:25:30You know, in the excitement of the game,
00:25:33nothing really gives you that extra boost like having your mom...
00:25:36Well, homework beckons.
00:25:38Yeah, as always, thanks for your sympathetic ear.
00:25:42I can see why people think you're the coolest shrink around.
00:25:46Oh, girls, didn't you have something to tell me?
00:25:50No, you covered everything.
00:25:52Yeah.
00:25:59Yes!
00:25:59Yes!
00:26:00Yes!
00:26:10Easy with those laces.
00:26:11Maybe you'd like to try the ones with the Velcro.
00:26:14Velcro?
00:26:15Why don't you just fit me for a pair of polyester sweats while you're at it?
00:26:19Now, Taylor, the salesman is only trying to be helpful.
00:26:24Watch it!
00:26:25I have a very delicate bone structure.
00:26:27That's interesting.
00:26:28My cousin Maury has a delicate bone structure.
00:26:31Who cares?
00:26:32Not you.
00:26:33Not me.
00:26:35I'll be right back.
00:26:41Hey, Dad.
00:26:42Hey, look who's here.
00:26:44Oh, you guys just made my day.
00:26:47I love surprise visits.
00:26:49So, what's up?
00:26:51Well, Em and I were thinking about this whole soccer thing.
00:26:54Yeah.
00:26:55Well, for starters, playing for Willard hasn't exactly been the jump to the big league I was expecting.
00:27:00And, Dad, I really wanted to play for you, and I appreciate you picking me and all, but let's face
00:27:05it, I stink.
00:27:07Oh, Emma, I think you're being a little hard on yourself.
00:27:10I just think of you as a work in progress.
00:27:16Better cut to the chase.
00:27:19Dad, what do you say to a trade?
00:27:22A trade of what?
00:27:23A trade of us.
00:27:26Wait a minute.
00:27:26You guys want to trade places?
00:27:28It's brilliant.
00:27:30I'll play for Willard, and Sam will play for you.
00:27:34That way, everybody gets what they want, and everybody's happy.
00:27:39Except Willard.
00:27:40You could trade Willard, and he wouldn't even notice.
00:27:44Oh, I don't know, you guys.
00:27:47I mean, this is crazy.
00:27:48Even if I were to agree to pull off a stunt like this, and I'm not saying I would, we'd
00:27:53never get it past Mom.
00:27:55You said she has to find out.
00:27:57So you're not going to tell Mom?
00:27:59Well, it's not like we're quitting the league or anything.
00:28:02We're just switching teams.
00:28:03So you guys have this all figured out?
00:28:06Complete with daily alibi.
00:28:08On the days when the Buzzards practice, I'll go as Sam, and Sam will go to the library.
00:28:13And on the days when the Hurricanes practice, Sam will go as me, and Emma will hit the books.
00:28:19That way, we'll both be out of the house, and Mom won't be able to tell.
00:28:23Oh, I've certainly done your research.
00:28:30Uh, I'm not sure about this.
00:28:34Time for the hard sell.
00:28:36Dad, this is bigger than all of us.
00:28:43Isn't it beautiful, Em?
00:28:44It's so pretty.
00:28:45Hey, you won't want the Hurricanes to lose the championship the first year the league goes co-ed, would you?
00:28:52Oh, not really.
00:28:56This is really important to you guys, isn't it?
00:28:58It's really important.
00:28:59You have no idea for both of us.
00:29:01Because, you know, this is all just a silly soccer league to me, right?
00:29:03No matter what your mom says.
00:29:06But if it's that important to you.
00:29:09Totally, Dad.
00:29:10Okay.
00:29:10Because I'm doing this for you guys.
00:29:12This isn't some way for me to get Sam on the team just so I can win a few silly
00:29:17soccer games.
00:29:19Dad, that thought never even crossed our minds.
00:29:23Good.
00:29:24As long as we're straight on that.
00:29:32We're going to have a great front line.
00:29:40You really think we can pull this off?
00:29:43Em, we're identical twins.
00:29:45Being able to pull off the switch is our birthright.
00:29:50Come on, my grandmother kicks harder than that.
00:29:53Want to know something?
00:29:55My grandmother's dead.
00:29:55How about that, pal?
00:29:58Get out of here.
00:29:59What is that?
00:29:59You got nothing.
00:30:00Come on, show what you got, Billy.
00:30:01You got what?
00:30:02You got nothing, too.
00:30:03Get out of here.
00:30:03It's worse than Andy.
00:30:04Stop it.
00:30:05You're making me laugh.
00:30:06Joe, come on.
00:30:07Stop making me laugh.
00:30:08This is funny.
00:30:09Hey, Emma.
00:30:10No hands.
00:30:13No hands.
00:30:24Did I just score a goal?
00:30:27Beginner's luck.
00:30:31Okay, guys.
00:30:32We're going to run play 32.
00:30:33Now, Emma, I want you to flank the striker
00:30:36and break out of the pack
00:30:38when Andy here centers the ball by the goal.
00:30:39Okay?
00:30:40Break.
00:30:44Why don't we run to play for that door, Kat?
00:31:04Way to go!
00:31:06Must be her lucky day!
00:31:19Daphne, darling,
00:31:20I'm in the middle of a very important game.
00:31:24Are you sure this can't wait?
00:31:28All right, let's go with the cesarean.
00:31:31Go on, sweetheart, go!
00:31:32No!
00:31:34No fucking shit!
00:31:57She broke the more than three!
00:31:59Let's hoist her, fellas!
00:32:01Sam!
00:32:10We're number one!
00:32:11We're number one!
00:32:13We're number one!
00:32:15We're number one!
00:32:19We're number one!
00:32:19Bye, Mom. I'm off to soccer practice.
00:32:21I am.
00:32:22Wait a minute! Sam!
00:32:24You don't have practice today. Where are you going?
00:32:26The library. Where else?
00:32:29Sam!
00:32:31Since when did you spend your afternoons in the library?
00:32:34Not that I'm objecting.
00:32:35Since, um...
00:32:37Since I woke up one morning and realized that I know absolutely nothing about the Dewey Decimal System.
00:32:45Bye!
00:32:50You and me both!
00:32:54I think you need to prepare for each one.
00:32:55Here we go.
00:32:57Take your arms out.
00:32:59Remember, when you dance, you're going through.
00:33:01When I scored that goal, Richie was positive I was you.
00:33:05He felt so good because he called me a dorkette.
00:33:07I would have given anything to see the look on his face.
00:33:10You know, Richie's kind of mean to me, but he's sort of cute.
00:33:13Yeah.
00:33:15Did you see that lucky shot I had?
00:33:17I just hope the Buzzards don't think that I can bounce it off the goalpost and hit his head all
00:33:21the time.
00:33:22So, do you think the switch is working?
00:33:24It's brilliant.
00:33:25I love how good you make me look, Sam.
00:33:27Cool.
00:33:30There it is.
00:33:31All right.
00:33:31Here we go.
00:33:32There it is.
00:33:33Look at this.
00:33:37Who's that guy with the red beard?
00:33:38He's really good.
00:33:40Yeah, he kind of looks like Alexi Lawless.
00:33:42Who's Alexi Lawless?
00:33:44Oh, he's a great player and he plays for Kansas City.
00:33:46He's cute.
00:33:47Think we'd get him to play for one of our teams?
00:33:48I don't think so.
00:33:54Okay, coaches.
00:33:55These are the standings so far.
00:33:58The Hurricanes are winning.
00:34:00My, my, what a surprise.
00:34:03I just don't get it.
00:34:04How'd Jerry turn Emma into Pele?
00:34:06You mean Alexi Lawless?
00:34:08No, Pele's the best player to play the game.
00:34:10Yes, but Alexi's the best player currently.
00:34:13Yeah, but if Pele was playing now, he'd be the best player playing the game.
00:34:17And if Alexi was playing then, he'd be the best player playing the game.
00:34:25Okay, guys, bring it in.
00:34:26Let's get some rest for tomorrow's game, huh?
00:34:28Oh, hey, honey.
00:34:29You played real good today.
00:34:31Thanks, I'm gonna go change.
00:34:32All right, I'll see you at the van.
00:34:33Okay.
00:34:34Just want you to know, I still officially hate you, but you're not the world's worst player.
00:34:41Looks like my stock is rising.
00:34:44Emma!
00:34:48Emma!
00:34:50You completely ignoring me, or you just weren't an invisible Walkman?
00:34:53Greg!
00:34:54Yeah, that's right, Emma.
00:34:55I was calling you.
00:34:56Didn't you hear me?
00:34:57Emma!
00:34:58That's right!
00:34:59That's my name!
00:35:01So, how'd you know I was here?
00:35:03Well, I heard you were playing for your dad's team, so I figured I'd have a better chance
00:35:07of talking to you here than in the hallway when you're surrounded by a bunch of other guys.
00:35:11Oh yeah, I hate when that happens.
00:35:13So you busy Friday?
00:35:14Nope.
00:35:15Are you?
00:35:16No, I meant like a date.
00:35:19A date?
00:35:20With me?
00:35:21Yeah, who else?
00:35:22So what do you say?
00:35:24Uh, sounds great!
00:35:27Cool, I'll see you at Tacky's.
00:35:37Huh.
00:35:44What is Emma's jersey doing in Sam's ba-
00:35:47That's funny, I could have sworn I could put them in the mer-
00:35:56No, I haven't had a chance to research the topic, but I'm planning on going to the library
00:36:00later this week.
00:36:01Oh, that's my fax.
00:36:02Alright, talk to you soon.
00:36:09Oh, Evansville Junior Soccer League standings.
00:36:14Hurricanes 4-0!
00:36:22Oh, that was great.
00:36:23Mom, can we be excused?
00:36:25Yeah, we have homework.
00:36:26Sure.
00:36:29Greg asked me out for Friday tonight.
00:36:31I'm your homework.
00:36:32Great!
00:36:35Jerry, you never told me the hurricanes were in first place.
00:36:38Oh, I didn't?
00:36:39Oh, uh, well, it must have slipped my mind.
00:36:43That's so unlike you.
00:36:45Yeah, well, you know, Denise, I think I'm finally, uh, you know, getting a hold of the old
00:36:49over-competitive bug.
00:36:50Jerry, I know what's going on.
00:36:53A mother always knows her own daughters.
00:36:56Look, Denise, I can explain.
00:36:58Well, there's no need to explain.
00:36:59It's obvious.
00:37:00Your talent for coaching is making Emma a better player.
00:37:06Yeah, yeah, you know it is.
00:37:07And I think it's making me a better dad.
00:37:15Okay, let's start with the walk.
00:37:26Relax.
00:37:27Greg's taking you to a pizza parlor, not the MTV Awards.
00:37:32Okay, let me try again.
00:37:40How's that?
00:37:41Sam, it's not a tractor pull either.
00:37:44I'll never get this.
00:37:46Oh, there's something missing.
00:37:49Shoes!
00:37:50Put these on.
00:37:51It'll help.
00:37:53You have to be totally secure, yet vulnerable.
00:37:57How can I be both?
00:37:59Good point.
00:38:00Uh, let's go for secure.
00:38:07Smile.
00:38:15How's that?
00:38:17We're not quite there yet.
00:38:22Mystery.
00:38:23Woman needs mystery.
00:38:24Here, put these on.
00:38:26Really?
00:38:27Trust me, it works.
00:38:31It's a fashion statement.
00:38:33Oh, and quick tip on the menu.
00:38:35Salad only.
00:38:36Cheese strings hanging from your chin.
00:38:38Not good.
00:38:40Forget it, Emma.
00:38:41I'm not going to be able to get all this down.
00:38:43Might as well just take my place.
00:38:45Forget it?
00:38:46Is that the competitive Sam Stanton we all know and love?
00:38:50Is that the spirit of the girl who won the nine and over pump-passing kit competition at the age
00:38:54of seven?
00:38:55You're right. There's no pressure here.
00:38:58It's just a guy.
00:38:59That's what I like to hear. Now, take it from the top.
00:39:03Perfect.
00:39:08Perfect. Now all you need is one of my dresses.
00:39:12A dress, too?
00:39:24Greg?
00:39:25I thought you were supposed to meet Sam.
00:39:27I mean, me.
00:39:28I mean, I thought we were supposed to meet at Tacky's.
00:39:31Well, I thought he'd surprise you.
00:39:33Here.
00:39:35Well, mission accomplished.
00:39:37Uh, give me a sec. I'll be right back.
00:39:41Hi. You must be Greg, Emma's date.
00:39:44Hi, Mrs. Stanton.
00:39:45Oh, please, call me Denise.
00:39:46Nice to finally meet you.
00:39:47Hi, Greg.
00:39:53That was fast.
00:39:54Oh, yeah. Well, we just wanted to do quick change artists around here.
00:39:57Hi, Mom.
00:39:57Hi, Em.
00:40:02Sam?
00:40:08Some folks think I should be, like, studying for my SATs already.
00:40:11But I'm like, hey, I'm not even up in junior high yet.
00:40:14What do your folks think?
00:40:15Oh, totally.
00:40:16My parents think you can never start preparing for college too early.
00:40:19Because after all, you don't want to fall flat on your face.
00:40:23You okay?
00:40:24Oh, I'm fine.
00:40:25It's just these new heels of mine.
00:40:27I'm used to a little more lift in my shoes.
00:40:36And just be too bright in my shoes.
00:40:36Is it too bright in here?
00:40:37No, why?
00:40:40Sunglasses.
00:40:43Oh, uh, I need them for reading.
00:40:47Are you sure you don't want a slice?
00:40:49Uh, yeah, no thanks.
00:40:51I'll stick with my salad.
00:40:53Cheese strings hanging from your chin, not good.
00:40:57Do I have any?
00:40:59Oh, no, no, no, not you.
00:41:02But if you did, it would still look good.
00:41:07Hey, wanna play some video games?
00:41:13Take that!
00:41:16You beat me.
00:41:18No one's ever beat me at this game before.
00:41:21Oops, is that a bad thing?
00:41:24I'm not sure.
00:41:29Sorry about beating you and chop off the old block.
00:41:32Then, um, the ten straight games in air hockey.
00:41:35Twelve straight games.
00:41:36Twelve, oh yeah.
00:41:37Yeah, great.
00:41:39You know, you're a lot different than I thought you were gonna be.
00:41:44Well, um, see you at school.
00:41:47See ya.
00:41:54I blew it, Em.
00:41:56You didn't blow it, Sam.
00:41:58You're just a little... rusty.
00:42:01Rusty implies past success.
00:42:03Face it, when it comes to guys, I'm just one of the guys.
00:42:34Emma?
00:42:35Oh, hi, Mom.
00:42:36Oh, hi, Mom.
00:42:36Mom?
00:42:37What are you doing here?
00:42:38Well, I think the more pertinent question is, what are you doing here?
00:42:41Don't you have soccer practice?
00:42:45Soccer!
00:42:45Right, I forgot.
00:42:47You know, the book, it just pulled me into homework.
00:42:49There's just so much homework, and...
00:42:51I'll dash right over there.
00:42:53Oh, don't be silly.
00:42:54I'll drive you over there myself.
00:42:55No, you shouldn't.
00:42:58I mean, I could really use the exercise.
00:43:01Exercise?
00:43:02Well, isn't that what soccer practice is for?
00:43:04Come on.
00:43:05The car's out front.
00:43:06Dad, you've got a lot of sprainin' to do.
00:43:12Come on, Emma!
00:43:14Good job!
00:43:17That a girl, Sam.
00:43:19Mom, I don't think this is such a good idea.
00:43:21You know, Dad, he keeps a closed-door policy at all practices.
00:43:24Nonsense.
00:43:25Honey, I can't make any of your gains.
00:43:27The least I can do is come and see...
00:43:29Sam?
00:43:31All right!
00:43:32Great shot, Emma!
00:43:34That's it.
00:43:34Drive it into the goal.
00:43:35Show no mercy.
00:43:37Speaking of mercy...
00:43:39Don't expect any from me.
00:43:44Denise?
00:43:45Hi.
00:44:01You traded our children.
00:44:03I wonder what the penalty for something like that is in Singapore.
00:44:06Yeah, let me explain.
00:44:08No, Jerry, you let me explain.
00:44:09Because you see, when one trades one's children, there are no explanations.
00:44:13I mean, you have done some outrageous things before in the name of winning, but this...
00:44:16Will you please just let me explain?
00:44:20Okay.
00:44:21Go ahead.
00:44:22Try to explain how you could trade Emma and Sam for each other to win a few soccer games.
00:44:29It was their idea.
00:44:32Jerry, you're their father!
00:44:35I realize that being an adult does not come easy to you, so let me remind you that the
00:44:38job of parenting does come before that of coaching.
00:44:42Okay, let me tell you a little bit about coaching, because there's probably something
00:44:44you know nothing about.
00:44:46Okay?
00:44:46It's not all about winning games.
00:44:48You try convincing a thirteen-year-old who'd rather be out playing spin the bottle
00:44:51that bouncing a soccer ball off your head is really cool.
00:44:56I mean, to be a good coach, you gotta be a teacher, a shrink, and a great motivational speaker.
00:45:01Oh, aren't we the triple threat?
00:45:05I can assure you as a parent and a psychologist, as we refer to ourselves in the profession,
00:45:10that your parents were too good to you!
00:45:14The bottom line, Jerry, is that you traded our daughters for a shot at the championship.
00:45:19What do you want me to do?
00:45:20Tell the girls the trade's off?
00:45:22No, I'll take care of that.
00:45:24What I want you to do is the honorable thing.
00:45:26I want you to come clean to your fellow coaches.
00:45:29And who says that I wouldn't know the first thing about coaching?
00:45:40Trading siblings.
00:45:41I don't know how the league is ever going to recover.
00:45:42This is worse than the soccer scandal of 82.
00:45:44No, that was 83.
00:45:46Pathetic.
00:45:46The length some people will go to win.
00:45:48Trading twins, huh?
00:45:49What a great scam.
00:45:50I wish I would have thought of that.
00:45:52All right, all right, let's have some order here.
00:46:00Jerry, you have committed a disgraceful act.
00:46:04Absolutely.
00:46:06Not only against the league, but against Willard here.
00:46:09Oh, you're supposed to be a friend of yours.
00:46:11How could you? What were you thinking for God's sake?
00:46:13Who I'm sure is outraged and incensed by this.
00:46:16No, he must be.
00:46:18He's asleep.
00:46:21In any case, punitive action must be taken against Jerry here.
00:46:26Here, here.
00:46:31Jerry, do you have anything to say in your defense?
00:46:36Look, I know what I did was wrong.
00:46:38Okay?
00:46:39And I...
00:46:41...throw myself at the mercy of this kangaroo court
00:46:44full of imbecile wannabe-crups!
00:46:46He's a wannabe!
00:46:49Jerry, I hope that's not your idea of penance.
00:46:58Penance?
00:46:58Anyway, since the Hurricanes played under false pretenses,
00:47:03they hereby forfeit their first four victories of the season.
00:47:10Four games? That is so unfair!
00:47:13Chair, you're this close to making it six.
00:47:20Meeting adjourned.
00:47:32Well, I guess it was fun while it lasted.
00:47:35Yeah, at least I got a few good kicks in.
00:47:39Look, major grass stains.
00:47:45Hurry up, girls. You're going to be late for school.
00:47:48We really got Dad into some hot water with Mom, didn't we?
00:47:52Try boiling.
00:47:53What should we do?
00:47:55There's only one thing we can do.
00:47:57Dad, we're quitting.
00:47:58Absolutely not. I'm not letting you quit.
00:48:01Dad, I'm ruining your season.
00:48:02And I'm going to Camp Buzzard.
00:48:05Look, Dad, we feel really bad about getting you in this mess.
00:48:08You didn't.
00:48:10We didn't?
00:48:11But the swap was our idea.
00:48:14Well, maybe so, but...
00:48:16You guys are doing it for all the right reasons,
00:48:17and I was doing it for all the wrong ones.
00:48:21Trust me, we'll find a way to make this work.
00:48:28Who's dealing?
00:48:29How many cards, Jerry?
00:48:30Two.
00:48:31You know, I've been thinking about this twins thing.
00:48:34We all make mistakes, Jerry.
00:48:35It's not like you're a bad person.
00:48:36No, it's not.
00:48:38Thanks, guys.
00:48:39How many cards?
00:48:40I'll hold them.
00:48:41Look, a guy's got two kids.
00:48:43One is just a better soccer player than the other.
00:48:45Perfectly understandable.
00:48:47Dealer takes three.
00:48:49Just because you're willing to exploit
00:48:51one of your daughter's skills over the other,
00:48:53who can fault that, huh?
00:48:54Nobody.
00:48:55Absolutely.
00:48:56Water.
00:48:56I'm in.
00:48:57Of course, you had to lie to Denise.
00:48:59Oh, yeah.
00:49:00No, it sure isn't wrong.
00:49:01Of course he had to.
00:49:03I mean, it's not as if lying to your wife
00:49:06makes you a bad person.
00:49:10And he had to lie to his close friends
00:49:12who love and support him.
00:49:15What is it that makes a good person
00:49:17snap and go bad?
00:49:27Oh, look, you guys.
00:49:28Come on.
00:49:29That was then.
00:49:30This is now winning.
00:49:31Who cares?
00:49:34Who cares?
00:49:35Two, three of a kind.
00:49:37I was bluffing.
00:49:38Full house.
00:49:39I win.
00:49:40I win!
00:49:41I win!
00:49:42Yes!
00:49:43And you lose.
00:49:44You lose.
00:49:45You lose.
00:49:45You lose.
00:49:46You lose.
00:49:47Hey, Sam.
00:49:49Hey, Oscar.
00:49:51Listen, we heard all about the swap,
00:49:53and, you know, we just want to let you know
00:49:55that we don't take it personally or anything.
00:49:58I mean, we realize we're not exactly
00:49:59the greatest bunch of players,
00:50:01but hopefully we won't crap your style too much.
00:50:03Thanks.
00:50:04That's real cool of you guys.
00:50:06Buzzards!
00:50:08Not only are we welcoming Sam back,
00:50:11but we're also adding a proud new addition
00:50:13to our coaching staff.
00:50:15Folks, meet Coach Stanton.
00:50:20Mom?
00:50:26Mom, you can't coach the Buzzards.
00:50:28Why not?
00:50:29I spoke to Willard.
00:50:30He was all for it.
00:50:32Well, yeah, given his lineup,
00:50:33he needs all the help he can get.
00:50:35But, Mom, since when is soccer your thing?
00:50:38You know, actually, I've always been
00:50:39a little interested in sports psychology.
00:50:44Sam, honey, I know that you miss being on Dad's team,
00:50:47and I just thought that maybe I could make your situation,
00:50:50I don't know, a little more challenging.
00:50:52That's nice, Mom.
00:50:53But the Buzzards don't need to shrink.
00:50:55They need a miracle worker.
00:51:04Hey, look who's here.
00:51:05With you back, this team will surely go down the drain.
00:51:09Don't listen to him.
00:51:11Why not?
00:51:11He's right.
00:51:12No, he's not.
00:51:13You're Stanton.
00:51:15Which means you're a winner, honey.
00:51:22Hi, Willard.
00:51:23Hi, Denise.
00:51:23How you doing?
00:51:24Fine.
00:51:25I'm just enjoying a little quiet time by myself.
00:51:29Well, just having a breather.
00:51:30Yeah, just, you know, for me.
00:51:31That's nice.
00:51:32Alone, reading.
00:51:36You know, I've been working a lot,
00:51:38so I just needed this time.
00:51:41What exactly is it that a therapist does?
00:51:44Well, we listen to people's problems all day long.
00:51:48Well, that can be hard.
00:51:50Yeah, it is.
00:51:50And that's why it's really important to have time alone,
00:51:54because it's so rare to get that opportunity,
00:51:56so when you do, you just want to really grab it.
00:52:01All right, get the ball.
00:52:05Good steal.
00:52:05Good steal, Candace.
00:52:08Okay, Em, you're up.
00:52:09What am I supposed to do?
00:52:10Just go out there and do what she did.
00:52:11How do I do that?
00:52:13Well, it's not as hard as it looks.
00:52:14Just go out there and be bold.
00:52:16Bold.
00:52:16Okay, got it.
00:52:20All right, Daddy, bring it on down.
00:52:27Dad, this isn't working.
00:52:29Okay, it's okay.
00:52:29Look, go out there, keep your eye on the ball, okay?
00:52:32Use your feet, just wind up and give it a good hard kick.
00:52:35Okay.
00:52:37All right, bring it down, Ari.
00:52:43Oh, I am so sorry.
00:52:46Are you okay?
00:52:47I'm okay.
00:52:47I'm sorry.
00:52:47I'm okay.
00:52:48It was a good block.
00:52:49I'm fine.
00:52:49Sorry.
00:52:50It's all right.
00:52:52I didn't mean to.
00:52:53I'm sorry.
00:52:53No, it's okay.
00:52:53It's okay.
00:52:56You okay, Willard?
00:52:58Well, I've been under a lot of stress myself lately.
00:53:01What with the soccer team and all,
00:53:03and, I mean, we're not doing as well as Uncle Arden had hoped,
00:53:05you know, and I think it's my fault.
00:53:07I mean, I don't go out there to win.
00:53:09I'm not very competitive.
00:53:10I just go out there to teach the kids how to play soccer
00:53:12and have some fun.
00:53:13Willard, I think that's just wonderful.
00:53:15That means you're okay.
00:53:17It doesn't mean it's your fault.
00:53:18It means you know who you are.
00:53:20Oh, well, that's a load off my mind.
00:53:24Okay, this first.
00:53:28All right.
00:53:31Good shot.
00:53:32Next.
00:53:33Great.
00:53:35Next.
00:53:40Sorry.
00:53:42Look, honey, we'll just, uh,
00:53:43we'll stick around after everybody leaves
00:53:44and we'll practice some shots.
00:53:47Except for this reoccurring dream I've been having.
00:53:50Why don't you tell me about it, Willard?
00:53:52Well, it's England, 1920.
00:53:54And there's this big ship.
00:53:56Like the Titanic.
00:53:58No, it isn't anything like the Titanic.
00:54:00Okay.
00:54:03And they're sailing from Portsmouth to New York.
00:54:06And there's these ballrooms and they're having this big party.
00:54:09And I'm there.
00:54:10I'm waltzing with my mother.
00:54:12I'm three and she's 52.
00:54:15We're on the bow of the ship.
00:54:17And she's leaning out over the bow, pretending to fly.
00:54:22And I'm holding her around the legs with my little arms.
00:54:26And all of a sudden, we run into this great big...
00:54:29Big iceberg.
00:54:31No, whale.
00:54:32Big blue whale.
00:54:34You think it means anything?
00:54:35You know, Willard, I've never put much faith in dreams.
00:54:40What about my overwhelming craving for cheese?
00:54:43Are you having it now?
00:54:45Yeah.
00:54:45Go get some, Willard.
00:54:46Go.
00:54:47Okay.
00:54:48You're good.
00:54:59Sorry about the feel, Dad.
00:55:01Oh, hey, you're getting it.
00:55:03Besides, I'm used to it.
00:55:04It's like being on the fairway with Dave.
00:55:06Dad, maybe my best position is at the end of the bench.
00:55:10No, no way.
00:55:11Look, you're getting it.
00:55:12Trust me, we'll find a position for you.
00:55:14Yeah, try groundskeeper.
00:55:17We'll just keep working on it.
00:55:20I'll finish the rest of this up.
00:55:22Okay.
00:55:22I'll go put the gear away.
00:55:28Hey, Emma.
00:55:29Craig, what are you doing here?
00:55:31I just took my bike out for a spin and I saw you here.
00:55:35Hey, so you busy Saturday?
00:55:37Oh, um, I'm afraid so.
00:55:39I've got a game.
00:55:41I'll meet you afterwards.
00:55:42No, you can't.
00:55:44I mean, I have to support the team.
00:55:47Look, Emma, you're not avoiding me, are you?
00:55:50Well, not really.
00:55:51Well, good then.
00:55:51I don't know about you, but I had a fun time the other day.
00:55:54That's great.
00:55:54So did Sam.
00:55:55I mean, when I say Sam, it's kind of like a family expression thing that we say when we're happy.
00:56:00So we're on for Saturday?
00:56:03Yeah.
00:56:04Sure.
00:56:04Great.
00:56:05I'll see you after the game.
00:56:07Easy for you to say.
00:56:21So, I've got good news and I've got bad news.
00:56:23The good news is you were a hit with Greg last week.
00:56:27Really?
00:56:27But I thought I blew it.
00:56:29Men, Sam, gotta learn to read between the lines.
00:56:32Great.
00:56:32So what's the bad news?
00:56:34The bad news is he wants to take me out on Saturday.
00:56:37So what's the problem?
00:56:38Just pull a quick change like last week.
00:56:41Sam, that's not such a good idea.
00:56:43But the cool thing is he liked me as you.
00:56:47We're in enough hot water as it is.
00:56:49So what am I going to do?
00:56:51I'm just going to have to tell him.
00:56:53He's in the cafeteria right now.
00:56:54Emma, I can't tell him.
00:56:55How do I tell him I'm not you?
00:56:57Start off by talking about anything.
00:56:59Like what?
00:57:00Will you talk about movies, weather, school?
00:57:03Then you just slide it right in there.
00:57:05Go.
00:57:13Hi, Greg.
00:57:15Oh, hey, Emma.
00:57:17Sit down.
00:57:20So, how's it going?
00:57:22It's great.
00:57:24Great for me, too.
00:57:29I love the weather.
00:57:32Weather?
00:57:33Yeah, like when it's sunny outside, it's great for a run.
00:57:37Oh, yeah.
00:57:41So, what's your favorite subject?
00:57:43Science.
00:57:45Me, too.
00:57:45I love dissecting things in lab class.
00:57:47I know.
00:57:48It's so much fun.
00:57:49I got 97 on my last test.
00:57:50Not to be, uh, bragging or anything, but I got 98.
00:57:58Greg?
00:58:00Yeah.
00:58:01Would you excuse me for a moment?
00:58:06Sure.
00:58:10So, how'd it go?
00:58:12Not bad.
00:58:13What'd he say?
00:58:14He said he got a 97.
00:58:17You told him about us, and he said that he got a 97?
00:58:20What's that?
00:58:21Emma, I couldn't do it.
00:58:22You're going to have to do it.
00:58:24Please.
00:58:38So, where were we?
00:58:40Um, science, dissecting.
00:58:43Science?
00:58:44Chuck, I hate science.
00:58:46Got an 87.
00:58:47I thought you just said you love science.
00:58:51Oh, well, that was then.
00:58:52This is now.
00:58:54Um, can we talk about something else, like the weather?
00:58:58Again?
00:59:01Okay, um, it's a perfect day.
00:59:04Not for me.
00:59:04Give me some snow and rain, cuddle up right by the fireplace, and never move.
00:59:10Emma, you like it when it rains, you like it when it's sunny.
00:59:13First you loved science, now you hate science.
00:59:15You're driving me crazy.
00:59:17Greg, there's something really important I have to tell you.
00:59:28Sam, what are you doing?
00:59:29I was just about to tell him.
00:59:31Emma, you're right.
00:59:32No matter how hard it might be, I have to tell him.
00:59:37Tell me what?
00:59:39Emma?
00:59:41Emma?
00:59:47Hey, what's this I hear about you being Willard's new assistant coach?
00:59:49Well, part assistant coach, part team motivator.
00:59:53What are you saying?
00:59:54The team needs a shrink?
00:59:55No, I'm saying the coaches need a shrink.
00:59:58Oh, come on, Denise.
00:59:59Haven't I suffered enough for this whole trade thing already?
01:00:02What's that supposed to mean?
01:00:04What's that supposed to mean is a guy cannot go out there and coach against his own wife.
01:00:07Oh, if that isn't the most chauvinistic macho pizza hooey I've ever heard.
01:00:12All right, our family dinner is going to be just a little tense around here.
01:00:15I mean, we're talking about a house divided.
01:00:17No, we're not.
01:00:17Because there's only one of us here who puts winning above everything else.
01:00:41So how's it going, Helmut, Robert?
01:00:44Good.
01:00:48You know, it sure is fun watching you run up and down the field like that.
01:00:51Yep.
01:00:52With your cute little helmet on.
01:00:55Thanks.
01:00:56Do you wear it all the time?
01:00:58Not when I shower.
01:01:02Did you ever just fall down on your head and hurt yourself?
01:01:05No.
01:01:06Nope.
01:01:09Do your siblings tease you about it?
01:01:12I don't have any siblings.
01:01:14Does anybody tease you about it?
01:01:16Just my brother, Ken.
01:01:19Does that hurt your feelings?
01:01:21Who cares what Ken thinks?
01:01:27Robert, does it hurt you when your team members call you Helmut Head?
01:01:31What do they call me?
01:01:38Helmut Head.
01:01:40Cool.
01:01:41Yeah.
01:01:42Okay.
01:01:42Bye-bye, then.
01:01:57Willard.
01:01:58Willard.
01:01:58This is going to sound like a silly question, but...
01:02:02What exactly does a coach do?
01:02:04You just coach.
01:02:07I know, but what does that mean?
01:02:08What do you do?
01:02:09Hmm.
01:02:10I tell them things.
01:02:11Tell them what things?
01:02:13Oh, good story.
01:02:14Joke I heard.
01:02:15They love a good joke.
01:02:17Dream I had.
01:02:18Stuff like that.
01:02:20Really?
01:02:20That works?
01:02:21Never works.
01:02:22But they seem to enjoy it, and I really like it.
01:02:25Good.
01:02:25Willard, um, would you mind if I took a shot at this coaching thing?
01:02:31Okay.
01:02:32You better have some good jokes up your sleeve.
01:02:54All right, the most important thing is to get rid of the negativity.
01:02:58So you know what?
01:02:59Forget about the old buzzers.
01:03:00They're gone.
01:03:02You are the new improved, victorious buzzards.
01:03:06Okay, go with me on this one.
01:03:07Close your eyes.
01:03:08And imagine winning.
01:03:10Imagine how that feels.
01:03:13Imagine soaring like an eagle.
01:03:16Well, no, like a buzzard.
01:03:18Imagine soaring like, well, buzzards don't soar.
01:03:20So, um, circling.
01:03:22Circling like...
01:03:24All right, this image isn't working for me.
01:03:25In our language, that means go out there and try not to get hurt.
01:03:50I'm so glad Bobby's going to be playing for your team.
01:03:52What a nice opportunity for him to be exposed to some British sophistication.
01:03:57Knock his block off, you numbskulls!
01:04:00It's not a bloody game of cricket!
01:04:12Willard, you never told me they were this... troubled.
01:04:17I think this is bad.
01:04:17You should have been here last week.
01:04:19All this and a thunderstorm.
01:04:21Got pretty messy out there, huh?
01:04:23Worse.
01:04:24Oscar and his headgear were one thunderbolt away from becoming a transatlantic semiconductor.
01:04:31All righty.
01:04:32I think it's time we rethink our pregame strategy.
01:04:36Can I call a timeout?
01:04:37Sure.
01:04:38It's their favorite part of the game.
01:04:40Um, okay, time!
01:04:42Oh, no.
01:04:43I can't.
01:04:44Okay, um, time!
01:04:45Time!
01:04:47Time!
01:04:55Hi, sorry to interrupt you.
01:04:57Um,
01:04:58What do you say we shelve the mental approach and just get down to some serious playmaking here?
01:05:02I've got an idea.
01:05:04Okay, um, Oscar.
01:05:24Oh, what do you say we're doing now?
01:05:27Oh, what do you say we're doing now?
01:05:29Oh, what do you say we're doing now?
01:05:34Oh, what do you learn how to diagram plays like that?
01:05:37Honey, I've been married to your father for 17 years.
01:05:39Some of it was bound to rub off.
01:05:41Go get him!
01:05:42Yes!
01:05:43Yes!
01:05:45Okay!
01:05:46Okay!
01:05:48Okay!
01:05:49Okay!
01:05:52Okay!
01:05:56Time out!
01:05:59Hurricanes, take a knee!
01:06:05Okay, Hurricanes, we're going into our instant offense here.
01:06:07Let's run play 47.
01:06:08Uh, coach, that's the play where we isolate our best player and, uh, seeing how Sam's not here.
01:06:14I don't see how that's going to be an option.
01:06:15Okay, number one, Richie, I'll do the coaching from now on if it's okay with you.
01:06:19Number two, this play's undergone a slight renovation.
01:06:22From now on, it's going to be a team play.
01:06:24That means everybody.
01:06:25Okay?
01:06:26Okay.
01:06:26All right.
01:06:27Now, Billy, you're going to pass off to Andy, who's going to lay the ball off to Fred,
01:06:31who's going to be dribbling past Emma, who's setting up a screen.
01:06:35A screen?
01:06:36Yeah, just, uh, take up a position in front of number 23 and stay there.
01:06:40So you just want me to stand there?
01:06:42Exactly.
01:06:43I know it may not sound glamorous, but trust me, if you block 23 from seeing our striker,
01:06:47then Billy here has a better chance of scoring a goal.
01:06:51Got it.
01:06:52Look, coach, screens are only used in basketball.
01:06:54Not anymore, they're not.
01:06:56All right, let's go get them.
01:07:00Oh, hi, are you Chris?
01:07:07No, I'm Frankie.
01:07:08Frankie, what are you doing?
01:07:09I got you.
01:07:10You're just standing there.
01:07:11You remind me so much of Chris.
01:07:14I'm sorry.
01:07:15Oh, look, we scored.
01:07:16Bye.
01:07:19Woo!
01:07:20Way to go!
01:07:27Hey, Dad.
01:07:28Hey.
01:07:33Hi.
01:07:34Hi.
01:07:35Here.
01:07:37How's your game?
01:07:38It's fine.
01:07:39Yeah?
01:07:39We won, naturally.
01:07:42How was yours?
01:07:44Uh, we won, too.
01:07:46Naturally.
01:07:47Denise, I get a hand at you.
01:07:48You've, uh, you've turned into a pretty decent assistant coach.
01:07:52That would be head coach.
01:07:53Willard couldn't take the pressure.
01:07:55See you in the playoffs.
01:07:59I think we should ground them for a week.
01:08:02And no TV.
01:08:03Yep.
01:08:06Gentlemen, and lady, it's that time of the year again.
01:08:11The time of year when we put aside our careers, our social lives, and anything else that might
01:08:18detract from the all-consuming passion that is the annual Evansville Junior Soccer League
01:08:23playoffs.
01:08:24Here, here, here, here, here, here.
01:08:28As usual, all eight teams will compete in a round robin, culminating in a championship
01:08:33next Saturday.
01:08:34I'd also like to welcome aboard a new, uh, coach, Denise Stanton.
01:08:40All right.
01:08:41Now, if that's the end of our business.
01:08:43Uh, actually, no.
01:08:44Jim, I just thought it might be appropriate to say a few words if you don't mind.
01:08:47I'll be brief.
01:08:48Um, I just wanted to say how proud I am that the league has finally gone co-ed.
01:08:53And, um, I also wanted to say how ecstatic I am to be a part of it.
01:08:57Thank you, Denise.
01:08:59When I was ten years old, I knew even then, deep down inside, that one day I was meant
01:09:04for something like this.
01:09:05Me too.
01:09:06Let's go.
01:09:06All right.
01:09:09I just should have told Greg from the start, I shouldn't have agreed to play in this
01:09:13crazy league in the first place.
01:09:14Well, speaking of this crazy league, Mom's been bugging me to take more shots.
01:09:19Mind taking goal while I practice some new kicks?
01:09:21Mean goal?
01:09:22That's you're to boost your confidence.
01:09:28Good day, Bam.
01:09:34Good.
01:09:56You're definitely a natural.
01:10:02Great.
01:10:03Good day, baby.
01:10:10Okay.
01:10:19Unbelievable.
01:10:20You're a natural.
01:10:21Natural what?
01:10:22Natural goalie, silly.
01:10:23Come on, we gotta go tell Dad about this.
01:10:25No way.
01:10:26Why not?
01:10:28Sam, the playoffs are about to start.
01:10:30And I don't think Dad wants to start goofing around with new lineups.
01:10:34Em, I know you don't think you're any good.
01:10:36But trust me.
01:10:37If you can block my shots, you can block anybody.
01:10:40I said no, Sam.
01:10:45Hi.
01:10:46I'm Emma, and I'll be setting a screen today.
01:10:48What's that?
01:10:49Tech's not a call.
01:10:50What's that?
01:10:51Are you blind, Adam?
01:10:52Are you blind?
01:10:53I'm blind, Adam.
01:10:54I'm blind, I'm blind, I'm blind, I'm blind, I'm blind, I'm blind, I'm blind, I'm blind, I'm blind, I'm blind,
01:11:17I'm blind, I'm blind, I'm blind, I'm blind, I'm blind.
01:11:23Oh, come on, you're kidding, right?
01:11:25Okay, okay, try this one.
01:11:27I'm standing in the middle of the floor,
01:11:28surrounded by six girls in bikinis,
01:11:31all with pitchforks. When they turn around...
01:11:33You know, Dave, the whole elephant thing is actually
01:11:35starting to sound good. Okay.
01:11:38Who's that actor?
01:11:40In that movie?
01:11:42You know who I'm talking about?
01:11:44What?
01:11:45With the hair,
01:11:47and the...
01:11:48and teeth.
01:11:51They both wore suits. Something about...
01:11:53weather?
01:11:55Oh, uh, the Rain Man? Yeah. Tom Cruise.
01:11:58Right, get him in here. We'll put an umpire's
01:12:00mask on him in a catcher's mitt. Oh, yeah, Dave,
01:12:02no problem. I'll just call up. Hey, Nicole,
01:12:04uh, yeah, is Tom there? This is Jerry.
01:12:06You know, Jerry's House of Sports.
01:12:08Tell him about the kayak special.
01:12:09I'm sorry, is this a business call? Because I can come back another time.
01:12:12Oh, no, no, we were just
01:12:14brainstorming ideas for the new commercial.
01:12:18So, uh, what's up?
01:12:21Oh, I just wanted to wish you luck before the game on Saturday.
01:12:24Oh, thanks.
01:12:27So I should probably get back to the office.
01:12:31But, uh, I'll see you, I'll see you at dinner.
01:12:34Hey, Denise.
01:12:36Good luck to you guys, too.
01:12:38Thanks.
01:12:43Look at this, Sal.
01:12:45Should be our team out there.
01:12:47Yeah.
01:12:48You know why we're not? Don't start.
01:12:50Because you picked Frankie Rodriguez.
01:12:51Frankie Rodriguez was the right choice.
01:12:54He just had a secret weapon.
01:12:56Yeah, a girl.
01:12:58She said hello to him, and he turned into a deer caught in the headlights.
01:13:02Bloody Yankee rats,
01:13:03as if they could even spell the word soccer.
01:13:05Should have been my squad out there today.
01:13:08I am never doing this again.
01:13:11Oh, good.
01:13:11Then you won't be here to see our bulls wipe the field with your team.
01:13:14So did you catch Mom and Dad this morning?
01:13:16Yeah, they actually exchanged smiles over breakfast.
01:13:19I think Dad's pretty much out of the doghouse.
01:13:21But just in case, let's hope for a draw.
01:13:24Okay, gang.
01:13:25Time for some stretches.
01:13:26Denise?
01:13:28Oh.
01:13:29Um.
01:13:30Goodie.
01:13:31Any excuse for a little yoga?
01:13:33Okay.
01:13:34Uh, let's begin with the mountain position.
01:13:36That's it.
01:13:37And now focus in and exhale.
01:13:42Inhale up to a sudden salutation and then let's bring it down.
01:13:45Nice and easily we do.
01:13:45Excuse me.
01:13:46Oh.
01:13:47I don't mean to interrupt the pre-game stretch.
01:13:50But I was just wondering if I could, well, speak with the team.
01:13:54Very briefly.
01:13:55Uh, and you are?
01:13:57Oh.
01:13:58Forgive me.
01:13:59Arden Longview.
01:14:01Of Longview Funeral Homes.
01:14:03Let your last view be Longview.
01:14:06Oh, right.
01:14:07You're our sponsor.
01:14:07Well, he sponsors us all.
01:14:11Hi, Uncle Arden.
01:14:12Hi, Willard.
01:14:14In any case, I was just wondering if I could meet some of the team members and perhaps say
01:14:19a few encouraging words.
01:14:21Sure you can.
01:14:21That's a lovely thought.
01:14:22Guys, this is Arden Longview and he's our sponsor and he wants to wish us some luck.
01:14:27From the mortuary?
01:14:30I know you all have a big game, so I'll be brief.
01:14:34We at Longview Funeral Homes just want to let you know how proud we are of your efforts
01:14:42this season.
01:14:43Thank you so much.
01:14:44You really are a feisty little squad.
01:14:49Yeah, well, you know our motto.
01:14:51Never say die.
01:14:54Never.
01:14:56Funny.
01:14:57Our motto is just the opposite.
01:14:59Well, enough laughs for one day.
01:15:01All right then.
01:15:03What an inspiration.
01:15:03Just one thing more.
01:15:06I want you to get out there and kick some butt.
01:15:13You keep away from those kids.
01:15:14Yeah.
01:15:15Thank you very much.
01:15:16Hope to see you soon again.
01:15:17Well, not too soon.
01:15:18Well, you know what I mean.
01:15:20All right.
01:15:22Okay.
01:15:23Let's relax and focus and let's exhale.
01:15:29Stretch it up again.
01:15:32And gently bring it down.
01:15:34Hey, you guys.
01:15:35Come here for a sec.
01:15:36Come on in.
01:15:36Come on.
01:15:37Someone I want you to meet.
01:15:39One of our biggest fans and my co-sponsor Dave Island.
01:15:42Hey, Dave, why don't you give us the old pre-game pep talk?
01:15:46Well, kids.
01:15:49Today's game represents a great struggle.
01:15:52A great struggle.
01:15:54A great struggle.
01:15:54I'm sorry, Jer.
01:15:57It's just that when I see what this team overcame this season, I just...
01:16:02I just, uh...
01:16:05Sorry, Jer.
01:16:06I'm just a little overwhelmed by the moment.
01:16:08You see?
01:16:09Okay, call it in the air.
01:16:10Heads or tails?
01:16:11Tails it is.
01:16:12Ball goes to the buzzards.
01:16:14So, ready to watch the Hurricanes take another championship?
01:16:16Keep it up, Fleabag, and I'll sit on you.
01:16:18Ooh, I'm scared.
01:16:20Come on, guys.
01:16:20Shake hands and let's get this thing started.
01:16:23And here we go, ladies and gentlemen.
01:16:26The championship match of the Hurricanes against the buzzards.
01:16:29There's the whistle, and we're underway.
01:16:34And the Hurricanes...
01:16:41Come on, man.
01:16:42Keep the ball in place.
01:16:43Way to go, man.
01:16:45Yeah.
01:16:46Come on, man.
01:16:46Keep the ball in place.
01:16:46Come on.
01:16:48Yeah.
01:16:50Come on.
01:16:50I'm getting busted by the Hurricanes.
01:16:52Get up!
01:16:53Oh!
01:16:54A crazy steal by the buzzards.
01:16:57Oh, great help out the crowd.
01:16:58Oh, jerk!
01:16:59Nice shot.
01:17:00That's a great shot.
01:17:03It looks...
01:17:04Come on!
01:17:07Let's get second downfield.
01:17:10Oh, great save by the Hurricanes.
01:17:12Yeah.
01:17:14Heads with the headers.
01:17:16Heads by the Hurricanes.
01:17:17Kick.
01:17:22What a game!
01:17:29Oh, good game!
01:17:31Oh, good game!
01:17:32Oh, whoa!
01:17:36Oh!
01:17:38Oh!
01:17:40Try it again!
01:17:42Excellent game!
01:17:49Come on, go! Get out the ball!
01:17:51Thanks. Can't watch.
01:17:54It's halftime, folks, and the score remains 0-0!
01:18:09And it's kicked out there!
01:18:14Oh!
01:18:15Not again!
01:18:17Come on!
01:18:21Close call!
01:18:23Excellent save!
01:18:25Great stop!
01:18:28It's flush again!
01:18:31Whoa!
01:18:34No good!
01:18:36Did you hear the kick?
01:18:38Wake up!
01:18:41Oh!
01:18:42What a save by Richie Grenoff!
01:18:44That one almost got away!
01:18:48Oh, oh!
01:18:49Wait a minute, folks!
01:18:50It looks as if...
01:18:51Oh, no!
01:18:52It appears he might be hurt!
01:18:53Time out!
01:18:54A time out has been called!
01:18:56Hey, you okay?
01:18:57It's just my shoulder.
01:18:58I think it's bruised.
01:19:00Okay.
01:19:02I can stay in, though.
01:19:03No, no way.
01:19:04We gotta get that looked at.
01:19:05Hey, that was a nice save.
01:19:08Medic!
01:19:08Grenoff looks to be okay, but he's sideline bound.
01:19:11I think he's okay.
01:19:12That should definitely take some of the wind out of the hurricane's sail.
01:19:14Not to sound hard enough, Jer, but you got less than a minute left.
01:19:17Who's your goalie?
01:19:18Oh, good question.
01:19:20Dad, you've gotta put Emma in.
01:19:22Yeah, honey.
01:19:22She's already in.
01:19:23No, I mean in at goal.
01:19:25We were practicing the other day, and she blocked everything that came her way.
01:19:28This wouldn't happen to be a clever ploy of your mother's now, would it?
01:19:31Dad, give it up.
01:19:33I'm telling you, she's really good, and she's dying for a chance to show you.
01:19:37But you'll never have the confidence unless you give it to her.
01:19:43Yeah, you're right.
01:19:44You're right.
01:19:45I'm gonna give it a shot.
01:19:47Hey, Em!
01:19:54Yeah, Dad?
01:19:55You're in goal.
01:19:56Are you sure?
01:19:58Goalie, isn't that, like, really important?
01:20:01Oh, honey, brain surgery's really important.
01:20:03Goalie's just part of the game.
01:20:04Now go out there and do your best.
01:20:06Okay.
01:20:06Hey, Em, wait.
01:20:08Hey, Sam.
01:20:09Thanks.
01:20:10Don't mention it.
01:20:11But hey, this doesn't mean I'm taking it easy on you.
01:20:15Emma?
01:20:16What's this?
01:20:17Coach Stanton is inserting daughter Emma in Grunoff's spot.
01:20:20I wonder what the coach has up his sleeve.
01:20:22Well, I'll be.
01:20:31in early, with just under 20 seconds on the clock, we still have no goals.
01:20:43On that thought, Sam Stanton on a break away.
01:20:46All the way!
01:20:47All the way.
01:20:48All the way!
01:20:51It's taking it down the field.
01:20:56It's sister against sister.
01:21:10And it's building.
01:21:22Here's the shot.
01:21:25The kick is off.
01:21:30It's blocked.
01:21:31It's such an amazing day that time expires.
01:21:34And this year's championship ends in a scoreless,
01:21:37scoreless time.
01:21:38I swear, next year I'm doing T-ball.
01:21:41Mama!
01:21:43That was great.
01:21:45I guess you found your position after all, huh?
01:21:47That was fabulous.
01:21:50You're amazing.
01:21:52Okay, Jerry, listen.
01:21:53We've got plenty of sunlight left,
01:21:54so why don't we just go right into an overtime period?
01:21:56I don't think so.
01:21:57What do you mean?
01:21:58Nobody won.
01:21:59I don't know about that.
01:22:05Killer save, Em.
01:22:07Are you okay?
01:22:08Yeah, I broke a nail, but it was worth it.
01:22:11Hey, great game, guys.
01:22:13Nice save, Em.
01:22:14Thanks, Greg.
01:22:16Sam, you busy tonight?
01:22:18I think I can pencil you in.
01:22:19Great.
01:22:21So, how's your shoulder?
01:22:22It's okay.
01:22:23I'm still recovering from the spill I took.
01:22:25I thought I should let you know that you're okay in my book.
01:22:29Thanks.
01:22:30And, well, maybe I am kind of woozy,
01:22:32but I always did find you kind of cute.
01:22:36You're not so bad yourself.
01:22:38Maybe we can go out sometime.
01:22:40I think I know who might want to double date with us.
01:22:43I think I know who might want to double date with us.
01:23:09Not
01:23:20something.
01:23:35I pick it up now.
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