- 9 months ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Music
01:25Thank you, Pa.
01:25What is for being drunk and disorderly?
01:28I mean, what the hell is the point of being drunk
01:31if you can't be a wee bit disorderly?
01:35I mean, I come from going.
01:37You need a wee bit of escapism in your life.
01:41That's why I started to head through Lynn Polly's window.
01:45I'll tell you, that's the nearest thing I'm going to get you a holiday this year, you know.
01:54Well, what's this?
01:55A blanket.
01:57Oh.
01:57The match in Valance and Duckdown Dovey will be here any minute later.
02:03Don't wait up.
02:04Well, I must say, I like a good listener.
02:17I also like some bugger that opens his yap noon again and utters a few syllables, but then one out of two's no bad.
02:28Only I don't like a quiet room, you know.
02:31Do you like a quiet room yourself?
02:38Aye.
02:39Do you like a quiet room?
02:41Only I cannae stand being in my cell, you know.
02:45And I need, I need other punters on me, no.
02:51Other people that I can rip the piss shit and immediately abuse, abuse, mentally and emotionally.
03:01Because you see, that's me.
03:03I'm a people kind of person.
03:07In fact, I've seen me, I've seen me go in the house tonight.
03:12Like, realise there's nobody in the house.
03:16And then, and then go straight back out and walk with shoes again.
03:19Until the family gets back, you know.
03:23Then, then I go back in.
03:25Take one swatch at them.
03:27Realise what a bunch of ugly cruds they are.
03:31And go straight back out and walk with shoes again.
03:36Know that that, know that there's anywhere to walk in government, you understand.
03:39I mean, once, once you've clocked the kebab shop and the underpass,
03:46hell, you've exhausted the scenic splendor that time, don't you?
03:53You, you sleeping, pal.
03:56This is going to do my boxing.
04:06Stuck in here, my Jack Jones and the freezing call.
04:11Never mind, never mind.
04:13Come on.
04:14Think positive.
04:16You can whack in with the right attitude.
04:19Eh, who was I telling you about you?
04:24Oh, I, the family.
04:27No, no, like I say, think positive.
04:33Have, eh, have you got a family yourself, pal?
04:40I say, have you got a family yourself?
04:42You think about it.
04:46Think about it.
04:48You know, you take your time.
04:49Take your time.
04:50Because I wouldn't want you rushing too long into a nigh or an oar.
04:54A wee grunt or something, you know.
04:56Something you might regret in later life.
05:00Shh.
05:02Sheesh, God, this place, this place would freeze a chuff up, you sort of.
05:07You think, you think a fat bastard let me review it?
05:12Stand in the call.
05:13I can't.
05:15I can't stand in the call.
05:19Can you stand in the call, pal?
05:22Eh?
05:25Oh, boy, they should have remembered, you know what I mean?
05:28So?
05:29Don't let the bastards get you.
05:34That's me, we...
05:35Grenade.
05:59What?
06:00You're here, I'm here.
06:05They know full well that the height of the average Briton is 5 foot 8, so what do they do?
06:12They make the regulation blanket 5 foot 5.
06:16That is as good an insight into the psychology of the penal system as you'll get.
06:23I mean, once you've come up to the fact that half of this country is run for people with the mentality of the average seaside landlady,
06:31a lot of stuff falls into place, you know?
06:35Hey, Nisbet, are you comfortable?
06:39Yes, thank you.
06:41Yeah, yeah, yeah, just one thing.
06:44I'm a wee tate on the warm side.
06:46I've got to keep flinging after this, either down.
06:49Then you could turn the central heat and do the wee tate.
06:53Sacky swine.
06:56Whammy me!
06:58Whammy me!
07:00Yeah, yeah!
07:02Don't let the bathers get in.
07:05Always let them underestimate you.
07:07And that way, you catch them on the hop.
07:10Excuse me.
07:11Excuse me.
07:12Excuse me.
07:13Excuse me.
07:14Oh!
07:15That's one of the advantages of being a monkey swipe.
07:17Even the HIV squad is too fit to have got that digit-cut mark ivory.
07:18Excuse me.
07:19Excuse me.
07:20Excuse me.
07:21Excuse me.
07:22Excuse me.
07:23Excuse me.
07:24Excuse me.
07:25Excuse me.
07:26Excuse me.
07:27Excuse me.
07:28Excuse me.
07:29Excuse me.
07:30Excuse me.
07:31Excuse me.
07:32Excuse me.
07:33Oh, Christ.
07:34What would life be worth?
07:35Without a bag.
07:36Eh, you.
07:38Do you want to sell off the smoke alarms?
07:39Not the fag.
07:40Nip it.
07:41Nip it.
07:42Now.
07:43Now.
07:44Now.
07:45Shhh.
07:46Shhh.
07:47Shhh.
07:48Shhh.
07:49Shhh.
07:50Shhh.
07:51Shhh.
07:52Shhh.
07:53Shhh.
07:54Shhh.
07:55Oh, Christ.
07:56What would life be worth?
07:58With you a fag.
08:00Eh, you.
08:03You want to sell off the smoke alarms?
08:06Not the fag.
08:07Nip it.
08:08Now.
08:09On the floor with it
08:19I said on the floor
08:21Now stomp
08:26I said stomp
08:29Stomp
08:31Better
08:38I hope you're enjoying yourself
08:47I mean why don't you just fling
08:50In a wheel and a honey stick
08:51Get a flyer in the cave with you
08:54Go into the useless world of your crummy life
08:58While the forensic is up in your wife's bedroom
09:02Dusting her tits for finger
09:04You're looking for a boon pill
09:06Don't be like that
09:10Maybe you could teach me to talk
09:13Or better still
09:15I could teach you to talk
09:17Because you're like the birdman of Alcatraz in reverse
09:20What could we call you?
09:22Cuckle, cuckle
09:23Because that'd be a good name for you, wouldn't it?
09:25Cuckle, cuckle
09:27Right, you've gone beyond a joke
09:32You're gonna suffer
09:34You're gonna suffer
09:36Because that's the best you can do in conversation
09:39I'd be better petting Trill up in some high-rise
09:42With some granny wrapped in bakelfoil
09:44Flashing her gussets of me
09:47Come on
09:48You, you, are a useless daughter plankton that put me in here
09:52So the least you can do is entertain me
09:55So into bloody town
09:57You're no here to be entertained
09:58You're here because you broke the law
10:00Who, who, who said I broke the law?
10:03Who said I broke the law?
10:04Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?
10:07You were guilty the day you were born
10:09What, eh?
10:11Well, that kind of, that kind of gives the law a body swerve, doesn't it, eh?
10:15So why don't, why don't you just fling in the key here
10:18And you and Niall go way up together
10:20Have a pint up Fairfields, come on, would you say?
10:23I wanna drink with scum like you
10:25Enjoy yourself, Nisbet
10:26It's gonna be a long night
10:29Aye, for you and me both, Pa, for you and me both
10:31You'll no grind me down, you bastard
10:33You'll no grind me down
10:34We'll see about that
10:36You're my witness, pal
10:44I come in here with, I come in here with a full set of lugs
10:48And these balls is normal size
10:51Three electrodes, you know
10:52Hell of a quiet in there
11:02What are you doing?
11:03Thank you
11:06Well, think noisier, then
11:08I want to know what you're up to
11:10Think noisier?
11:16Did I not, did I not see you in the clipping factory?
11:20Well, you, well, you know the fella with a square
11:22He'd try to shove it in a run hole
11:24Don't get above yourself
11:26You're already on your last warning
11:28What's the matter?
11:36Do you know light cigars?
11:38No, no, no, no
11:39Living, living, let live
11:42That's what I say, living, let live
11:44Oh, what's the matter?
11:46Am I being insensitive?
11:48Is it a smoke you're wanting?
11:50I thought I'd gonna quiz my mind, such a style, you know
11:54Well, you should have said
11:55Here, have one of mine
11:56Can you?
11:58Oh, no, would you believe it?
12:00This is my last one
12:01Still, we can always share it
12:03Fifty-fifty, eh?
12:06Eh, you, you do that for me?
12:08Thanks very much, thanks very much
12:11Aye, fifty-fifty
12:13I'll suck and you sniff
12:15You getting any?
12:19Wee back
12:19Wee back
12:20Wee back
12:21Wee back
12:23Wee again, wee again
12:24Sorry, Rob
12:25Just remembered
12:26They smoke detectors
12:28What a memory I've got, eh?
12:32Yeah, bastard
12:33You twisted swine that you are
12:36I told you, Nisbet
12:38You're gonna suffer
12:39You'll no break me, boy
12:42You'll no break me
12:42Look at you, look at you
12:45Stunning hell
12:46You pathetic runt that you are
12:49I'll tell you, I hope
12:51I hope you're savouring
12:52Stunning hell with you
12:53Stupid Tom Thumb in your hand
12:56Because I'll tell you
12:57See up
12:58See up in your wife's bedroom
12:59The flying squad is slipping at
13:02The luxury lens
13:05You are dead
13:07I wish I was
13:10You say something about
13:16You're awake
13:20You're awake
13:23Don't you better
13:24You're awake
13:26Click, click, click, click, click
13:27Sleep
13:32Well, I said
13:34I said
13:35I said
13:36I said
13:36I'll tell you
13:39You got a nice ass
13:42I said
13:45I like a nice ass
13:46I was just gonna roll you
13:50Go
14:01Go
14:02Go
14:03I'm mobile
14:05Up here, up here
14:07Are you Rob?
14:08Hi, hi
14:09Rob C
14:11Hi, hi
14:12Rob C Mcsevney for castle mouth
14:14No, no, no! I'm Rapsun Edwett for coming!
14:18Hey!
14:20Hey!
14:21I've got some fags for him!
14:31Bastard!
14:37I don't know what it is with him.
14:40I'm usually quite good at setting up a relationship with people.
14:50Maybe...
14:52Maybe I should try and play this a wee bit cute here.
14:57I'll be trying and greasy it myself with big sound only out there.
15:01Try and beguile him with my urbane charm
15:05and strike up a rapport with the bastard.
15:10Aye, fair enough.
15:12Fair enough.
15:14But you need a Susan's Faces for this life.
15:16And I've only got two.
15:18So that's a damn sight fewer than a lot of people, innit?
15:22Watch this.
15:23Watch this!
15:25Watch an old cow of wine alley
15:28get to work with his silky smooth social skills.
15:32Oh!
15:34Ha!
15:36What?
15:37You fancy striking up a laugh for me?
15:40You ugly wee bookbag at your house.
15:44That's an instalment.
15:46I'm a way to fix something now.
15:47See when I get back?
15:48You're a dead man!
15:50Oh!
15:51All I had to say was no, innit?
15:53No!
15:54What do you make of that?
15:56What do you make of that?
15:57Do you see that?
15:59What do you make of that?
16:09What do you make of that?
16:11You see that?
16:13It's not a bit of frighter than me, there.
16:15It's not a bit of frighter than me.
16:17Well, there'll no bit of fear of God up me, boy.
16:20There'll no bit of fear of God up me.
16:22I'm ready for them.
16:23I am ready for them.
16:26Fair enough, fair enough.
16:28He might put his foot through that door at any minute
16:31and come stomping in here with 20 uniformed auxiliaries
16:34waving rubber battens.
16:36Ha-ha!
16:37I've got something...
16:38I've got something ten times!
16:40Ten times more powerful than rubber battens on my side!
16:44I don't remember what it was.
16:47Why?
16:48Why?
16:49British justice.
16:51Let them lay one finger on me
16:54and the full weight of British justice
16:56will come tumbling down about their nappers.
16:59Ha!
17:02Mind you, the full weight of 40-odd Doc Martens
17:04and 20 other pansies will be tumbling down about mine,
17:07but come, come to the inquiry, boy.
17:09Come to the independent police inquiry!
17:11Ha-ha!
17:12Who the hell am I trying to end up being an inquiry?
17:17Christ, the Lord Chief Justice will be up there
17:20rubber-stamping my accidental death-borne
17:23before my crates have hit the morgue.
17:25Jeez, that'll just be my luck.
17:30I'll be another statistic.
17:32See, Christ!
17:34Hell of a place this for statistics, isn't it?
17:37I mean, my father was a statistic
17:39and this father before him.
17:41I want it better for me.
17:44Don't you end up getting kicked today
17:46in police custody, son.
17:48God willing, you'll have a better death.
17:50You know?
17:51Some may be a wee bit of status to it.
17:53Some might have burst ulcer or something.
17:55I want it.
17:58I want it.
17:59I want it.
18:00His memory to go down is fine.
18:02You're no going to malky me without a struggle.
18:13Oh, nonsavory, pal.
18:14I'm just listening to your silence of blood.
18:19A chimp.
18:21I need a chimp.
18:22Oh, yes.
18:25Oh, I'm shooting this and I could hold off an army.
18:29Come on, you mother.
18:30Come on, you mother.
18:31Come on, you mother.
18:32Come on, you mother.
18:33Come on, you mother.
18:34Come on, you mother.
18:35Come on, you mother.
18:36I'm ready for you.
18:52I'm wishing a lot of good aggression here, you know.
18:59Well, maybe it's just me.
19:00Maybe it's just me.
19:01Maybe I'm just getting paranoid.
19:05Have a way to fetch something new, which I mean,
19:08because I could have been in.
19:09I mean, I could have been in these knitting for a while, you know.
19:12See, that's typical.
19:14See, I got all worked up.
19:16I got all worked up about nothing.
19:19I mean, where the hell should he have it in for me, eh?
19:23You know what I did was to suggest he was an inadequate wee runt
19:26and half the horse was podgering his wife.
19:28Where's the harm in that?
19:29Because that's where they joined the Polish horse, isn't it?
19:34So as you can feel morally superior in a thin blue line,
19:38giving it all that grace under pressure routine
19:40while some ran raider's thumping a button's dummy
19:43after a riot shield.
19:45I mean, I'm no saying they're getting above themselves or nothing,
19:50but I mean, pretty soon the Polish helmet
19:52is going to come complete with a crown of thorns.
19:55I mean, don't get me wrong.
19:56Fair enough, fair enough.
19:58I mean, they do a good job.
20:00Some of them.
20:01I mean, it's because they set us the name mentality
20:05because they don't use the noddle.
20:07They don't use the noddle.
20:08You see the buggers now?
20:10They're spending thousands, thousands on ad campaigns
20:13to try and recruit the minorities,
20:15you're blacks and you're Asians,
20:17into the Polish horse.
20:19But it's not the blacks and Asians that cause the bother, is it?
20:22It's scum like me.
20:23See, that's what they should do.
20:25They should try and recruit me a scum into the Polish horse.
20:29It wouldn't be a big job, would it?
20:31All they tough today would be to change a Polish uniform
20:34with a purple shell suit and a baseball cap.
20:36Well, it's half a government would gain up, you know.
20:41Well, he's coming and he's not.
20:43Hey! Come on!
20:45Come on, I'm a little sick for the border to put in here!
20:51Something's boring, eh?
20:53You know what I do in a room when you need one.
20:56That's just like the modern Polish horse, isn't it?
20:59Yeah.
21:00Too busy.
21:01Too busy hacking into computers.
21:03Tapping into people's personal affairs.
21:06They've lost a one-to-one reassuring intimacy
21:09or ordinary thugging the bait.
21:11They're all too bloody tame these days!
21:13Guess who?
21:14I thought you were away to hibernate.
21:21Now I'm back.
21:22The first cuckold of spring.
21:25Oh, come on.
21:26That was just a wee bit of banter there, you know.
21:29What the hell are you going to do with that thing?
21:32Get away from the door and you'll see.
21:35Is this not a wee bit of OTT?
21:39I mean, it's my oldies.
21:41How oldies?
21:42You did used to piss in my teeth.
21:44That very nice piss it was, too.
21:46Oh, my darling.
21:47It's like a wee joke.
21:48Have you?
21:49It's because you don't remember jokes, eh?
21:51Remember the time you used to have in here?
21:54Talk about laugh.
21:56Do you know what this is?
21:58Well, it's no an overflow pipe for a bathroom sink.
22:01You've got me.
22:02It's a gun.
22:04You've got me with a mystery object.
22:08Now, maybe try me with something different this time.
22:10Maybe something a wee bit fluffier, eh?
22:12See this?
22:13This is going to blow your head off.
22:15Now, listen, just call me naive.
22:18But I think even a British judge is going to notice a headless corpse taken away.
22:22Shut it!
22:23I'm sick of screwing up you, Nisbet.
22:26I'm sick of being treated like an idiot being trashed.
22:29It's worked less hours in a lifetime than I've worked an average night shift.
22:32Oh, I know there's no harpsom wasters going to boot new these.
22:35Well, I said that to your story on the other day.
22:38I said shut it!
22:39Come on!
22:40You know, Brian, well, you're not going to get in with that thing.
22:43How no?
22:44How no, Craig?
22:45You've got 20 years for murder.
22:46Fair enough.
22:4715, because it's only me, but...
22:49I don't care.
22:50I don't care?
22:51Because I don't want to stop.
22:52What do you care?
22:53You'd lose your job.
22:54You'd forfeit your pension.
22:55I'll tell you.
22:56Half the force would be whacking it up your woman.
22:58You don't lose your passion.
23:00You don't understand.
23:01I don't care.
23:02What do you mean you don't care?
23:04You really got to me tonight, Nisbet.
23:06Do you know why?
23:08Because half this station really is whapping up my woman.
23:14And it's for being inside.
23:16I'm already inside, Nisbet.
23:18You're here all night.
23:19I'm here all night.
23:21We're both prisoners, Nisbet.
23:23I hate my life.
23:25I hate this job.
23:27The stress.
23:28The tension.
23:29The stupid checked hat and chin strap.
23:32But you cannae shoot me.
23:34You cannae shoot me.
23:35I know.
23:36You'd have to shoot him and all.
23:37He's a witness.
23:39No problem.
23:40I mean, if you're going to blow away one,
23:43you might as well blow away two.
23:45Use your common sense.
23:47Right enough, right enough.
23:48Sorry, I wasn't being rational there, you know.
23:50Don't worry about it, Nisbet.
23:52Because in a couple of seconds of time,
23:54you'll not need to worry about being rational ever again.
23:57What do you mean?
23:59What do you mean?
24:00I'm going to blow your brains out.
24:02You would.
24:03Oh, but I would.
24:05After three.
24:06One.
24:08Two.
24:09Three.
24:15Great joke, eh?
24:16I don't know how you dream them up.
24:21Hey, if it wasn't for a laugh in here,
24:24I'd go off my heat.
24:25I was just playing along there, yeah.
24:26Yeah.
24:27I'm just going to explain it.
24:28Yeah.
24:29Now, look at me what I'm ill.
24:31You'll scare me, boy you'll scare me.
24:34You'll scare me.
24:36You'll scare me.
24:37I'm just playing along me, yeah.
24:39Yeah, I'm scattered, yeah.
24:44You look at me when I'm out.
24:47You don't scare me, boy, you don't scare me.
25:00I don't feel half as cold, no.
25:04I don't feel my legs, no.
25:10That is my last roll of the dice this night.
25:15You'll now hear another beat, little me.
25:33I don't know.
25:34I don't know.
25:35I don't know.
25:36I don't know.
25:37I don't know.
25:38I don't know.
25:39I don't know.
25:40I don't know.
25:41I don't know.
25:42I don't know.
25:43I don't know.
25:44I don't know.
25:45I don't know.
25:46I don't know.
25:47I don't know.
25:48I don't know.
25:49I don't know.
25:50I don't know.
25:51It doesn't mean that.
25:52I don't know.
25:53It
26:13What?
26:22Because I won't tell you this time!
26:28Oh my God.
26:31Why should I tell you this?
26:34And I...
26:43Why...
26:47Why...
26:49Why...
26:51Why...
26:55Why...
27:59No.
28:01Only I don't like Aquarium.
28:04Do you like Aquarium?
28:07Yes.
29:00Pizza!
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