- 14 hours ago
First broadcast 29th December 2011.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Sean Lock
Ross Noble
Brian Blessed
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Sean Lock
Ross Noble
Brian Blessed
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:07Hello, happy Christmas, and welcome to QI on Ice.
00:13To keep us warm while Jack Frost is nibbling at our chestnuts,
00:16my stable is fairly heaving with red-nosed reindeer.
00:20Ding-dong, it's Sean Locke!
00:24And where are you, the lad's in a manger, it's Ross Norble.
00:32And bless my whistles, it's that merry gentleman,
00:35Father Christmas himself, Brian Blissett!
00:44And as the old carol says,
00:47hither page and stand by me, yonder peasant, who is he?
00:51It's Alan Davis!
00:58Well, let's hear your jingle bells.
01:03Sean goes...
01:05Very nice.
01:07Ross goes...
01:09How pleasant.
01:10Brian goes...
01:17And Alan goes...
01:20Thank you for putting us in party mood.
01:23So, don't forget that this year we are celebrating our ignorance with the nobody knows bonus.
01:31Nobody knows.
01:32Yes, identify the one question tonight to which nobody knows the answer,
01:37and you can get points galore.
01:40Can you, can you just, can you do me a favor?
01:42Can you just put that there?
01:44It really is the Riddler.
01:47It does look like the Riddler.
01:49Very good.
01:50Now, Christmas, of course, is a time for relaxing and feasting.
01:55So, answer me this.
01:56Where do they take the most days off work
01:59and have the most expensive Big Macs in the world?
02:04Er, resolute in Canada, but the Eskimos in wheat.
02:08Er, six months of the year it's dark there,
02:11and they have great big bloody Big Macs,
02:14and wonderful great big steaks, and lots of sex.
02:18Because they've got to shag all the winter, haven't they?
02:20That's true.
02:21That's like the best voiceover ever.
02:24They are bloody big, big Macs.
02:27Shag the life out.
02:30It's a good answer.
02:32Thompson Cook.
02:32It's not, it's...
02:34This is a country that is themed to our series.
02:37Iceland.
02:37Iceland is the right answer.
02:39It's quite extraordinary how many days off work they do.
02:42Per thousand people, they take off 367 days in a year,
02:46compared to about 20-odd in Britain,
02:48and one in Switzerland.
02:50And it'll probably be minus seven in Germany.
02:52Have they always got a cold?
02:54It's not, I don't think it's because they've got a cold.
02:56I think they just have that attitude to my...
02:57Because they're lazy.
03:00Possibly.
03:01No, it's the, er...
03:01It's the access to all those delicious prawn rings.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:06It's not for all low prices.
03:08They just...
03:09I'm not going to work today!
03:11LAUGHTER
03:13LAUGHTER
03:14Oh, I've got another one.
03:14I'm not going to work today.
03:16And that's how we talk.
03:17That is how we talk in Iceland.
03:20LAUGHTER
03:20LAUGHTER
03:20LAUGHTER
03:20Oh dear, he wants some more prawns.
03:22He's all a-frozen.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:24But their Big Mac is more than twice a Big Mac in Britain.
03:28It's so expensive that actually McDonald's is now withdrawn from Iceland.
03:31But Iceland is a very odd country.
03:33Have you been there, Bruce?
03:33I've not been there, it's one of the few countries I've not been to.
03:36It's full of a lot of firsts.
03:37It has more Nobel Prize winners per capita than any country on earth.
03:42Do you know how many Nobel Prize winners it's had?
03:44Fourteen.
03:45Yeah?
03:45One.
03:46Yes!
03:47One is the right answer.
03:48But the population is so small, 320,000, which is roughly the population of Croydon,
03:55that as a per capita...
03:57There he is.
03:57His name is Laxness.
03:59He won the 1955 Nobel Prize for Literature.
04:02He was the only one who happened to want one.
04:04But because it's such a small population,
04:05it's four times more on average per capita than the United States, though.
04:09It shows how useless statistics are, really, doesn't it?
04:11It's perfectly honest.
04:12It also uses three times more electricity than any other country on earth.
04:16But what's good about their electricity?
04:20Geothermal activity.
04:21100% of it is from either hydroelectric or geothermal.
04:24So in that sense, it's the cleanest electricity in the world.
04:28And doesn't everybody live on the edge?
04:30What do you mean, just like it?
04:32Let's take lots of drugs.
04:33Let's drive my cars as fast as possible.
04:36Literally.
04:37Live for today.
04:38Well, I think past our young.
04:39Living on the edge in Iceland is just going out in just your pants.
04:44I don't think you have to drive a car, either.
04:47You're not wearing your thermals for a day.
04:49No, on the coast, I mean.
04:50I think pretty much everyone lives on the coast.
04:53It's also the world's youngest country.
04:55What do I mean by that?
04:57It's volcanic, so it came up.
04:59Geologically, it's the world's youngest country.
05:01But it has the world's oldest...
05:03Parliament?
05:04Yes.
05:04Yes.
05:05Yes.
05:06947 AD.
05:07Do you know what it's called?
05:08Do that voice again.
05:09The Yackels.
05:10The Yackels.
05:11Ye olde Parliament.
05:14Shall we pass laws?
05:16No, we live on the edge.
05:19We don't need no laws.
05:21We've got a prawn ring and all that.
05:23What is a prawn ring?
05:25You don't know what a prawn ring is.
05:27No, I don't.
05:28It's prawns or rings in a ring.
05:29Is it battered?
05:29What is it?
05:30It's a ring of prawns.
05:32It was the original...
05:37I ran around a bit.
05:38That's what the old comedy system said.
05:40I ran around a bit.
05:40I paid for two.
05:42There should be one over there.
05:45The...
05:47So it's party food?
05:48It's a...
05:48Yes.
05:49I can't...
05:50I've had you down as an Iceland man.
05:52No.
05:53No.
05:54Sadly not.
05:54It comes in like a little plastic circle.
05:58Circular sort of...
05:59It's a...
05:59It's a...
06:00It's a...
06:00In a layer.
06:01Imagine a show called One Man and His Prawn.
06:05Right?
06:05And you whistled and they all perfectly got themselves into a circular pen and then were photographed.
06:13That's what you're looking for.
06:13So they're all aligned.
06:15Yes.
06:15But it's like when they get attacked, that's what they do.
06:17They go into a circle.
06:20You want to get yourself a tiny sheepdog and a...
06:25No.
06:26You need a prawn dog.
06:27You need a prawn dog.
06:28You need a prawn dog, not a sheepdog.
06:30Of course.
06:31It's the equivalent of a sheepdog.
06:32What are you talking about, Ross?
06:34You're talking absolute nonsense.
06:36If you're a sheepdog for prawns, you don't get a sheepdog, you get a prawn dog for prawns.
06:42Right.
06:43That is, one, why I keep losing that competition.
06:47Two, why prawns are all over this shop.
06:50I've got prawns everywhere and I've been banned from Crufts.
06:53Yes.
06:54It's out of order.
06:55It's appalling.
06:56Very good.
06:57That's it.
06:58I can get it.
06:59Get back to it.
07:01Right.
07:02The point is, Iceland is a world leader in all kinds of surprising areas.
07:07Now, here's something quite interesting.
07:08Two points for anyone who can tell me this.
07:10In what way is Iceland's most recent volcano similar to Genghis Khan?
07:18I think they're both shag-nasties.
07:22Genghis Khan apparently has shagged everything that moves and that he is the father and mother of all populations in
07:29Europe and Asia, so he's shagged everything that moves.
07:33And the volcano, of course, has spurted out, had an orgasm of ammonia and has fertilized Europe.
07:49I have to be brutally honest and say that's not what's on my car.
07:52Oh, shit!
07:54If there was no such thing as science, you'd be right.
07:58I think I know what it is.
08:00Yes, go on.
08:00I think, obviously, that volcano stopped lots of transport going on.
08:04He must have stopped something happening, which the volcano stopped happening.
08:07You're in this right here.
08:08The odd thing is, it's both very beneficial, especially at the moment.
08:11It's a thing we talk about a lot.
08:13Now, that volcano poured out, they reckon, between 150,000, 300,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide.
08:21So there's a huge amount of carbon that came out as a result of it.
08:24But, but, if you remember, no one flew for however long it was, and the lack of flying saved 3
08:33million tonnes.
08:35So, in fact, it was a huge offset of carbon.
08:38And in the case of Genghis Khan, he slaughtered his way across the world and had the largest empire the
08:43world has ever seen, four times bigger than that of Alexander, twice the size of the Roman Empire.
08:48And he killed about 40 million people.
08:50And the result was, there was so little farming that the forests grew back.
08:54And you can time a huge benefit to the world from his slaughter.
08:59But that's rather extraordinary, isn't it?
09:01The work do we have to pronounce?
09:02No, yes.
09:03That's what, that's what I was, how did you know that I was going to ask that as a supplementary
09:07question?
09:07I thought you already did.
09:08Oh, did I already say it?
09:09Oh, that or I read it off the audio.
09:20I would now like you to pronounce the name of the Volcano Man, it's written up there for you.
09:24Oh, God alive.
09:29You should have been a news reader.
09:31With your accent, you've got the best chance.
09:35It looks a bit like that, yeah?
09:37Any thoughts?
09:54I think the umlaut changes it, doesn't it?
10:00Those two little dots.
10:01The two little dots.
10:01Yeah.
10:02And I think actually the way you're supposed to pronounce it is,
10:04Itch.
10:07If only, it changes it.
10:09Apparently, it's, it's Aja Fajat Lejokotl.
10:13And is that translated?
10:15Big, smoky bastard.
10:17Yes.
10:18You will go by Ferry.
10:22Basically the answer.
10:23Now, what shouldn't you do with the Icelandic phone book?
10:28Is it, try and use it alphabetically?
10:31Because they're all called Magnusson.
10:33It's, it's a lot.
10:35Is it just using?
10:36It's a lot.
10:37Never using.
10:37It's along those lines.
10:40How, how do Icelandic people name themselves?
10:43Son and daughter.
10:44That's right.
10:45Your daughter would be called Alan Dutia, if you were Icelandic.
10:47Not a bad idea.
10:48Yes, that's a nice name.
10:49And when they marry, when they marry, the women don't take the man's name, they keep their father's name.
10:54Exactly right, exactly right.
10:56The only thing I know about Iceland, and the fact that everyone's on the edge.
11:00I'd be Roy's son.
11:02Oh, yeah.
11:02Roy's son.
11:03What's your father's surname?
11:04Eh, oh.
11:05Well, you see, we've worked it out.
11:07We've found it.
11:07Your father was Malcolm.
11:08Yes.
11:09So you'd be Ross Malcolmson.
11:10But the point is, therefore, there are an enormous number of surnames that are just identical.
11:15So what you shouldn't do is look people up by their surname, as you would in most books.
11:19You'd look them up by their first name.
11:21And often they're professional as well.
11:23There's so few people there, you could probably just poke your head out the window and go,
11:29What's your phone number?
11:32I've heard of football matches when somebody goes,
11:34Come on, son!
11:35That all the players go,
11:40Now, here's one of the oddest things about Iceland is, well, I'll show you.
11:43Have a look at this.
11:44These are Icelandic.
11:46What do you reckon they are?
11:48Legs.
11:49Yes.
11:50If I were to tell you that those are empty, does that help?
11:53Hollow legs.
11:54Yeah.
11:55Oh, they're Icelandic cockpans.
12:00Is it because, like, when you go out on the beach, everything shrinks?
12:04So you basically just put them on and then it gives you a little bit of, just, yeah, a little
12:09bit extra.
12:10Are they a pair of trousers, a pair of ski pants?
12:12They are.
12:13They are a pair of trousers made of human skin.
12:16Nice.
12:16They are on display at the Icelandic Museum of Witchcraft, which is an extraordinary place because Icelandic witchcraft is pretty
12:23odd.
12:24And what happens is you ask a friend, right, that when he dies, can you have his skin?
12:29Can I have his legs?
12:31And if he gives you permission, you then flay the skin below the waist, all of it completely in one
12:36piece, right?
12:37And you wear them as sort of tights, right?
12:39It gets weirder.
12:40You then have to steal from a widow a coin.
12:44And you put the coin inside the scrotal area, the sack there, which you see the whole thing is more
12:50or less complete, with a written incantation, and then...
12:54You open a bank.
13:03And that's how the Icelandic economy works.
13:06Yes.
13:07Well, then apparently, well, sort of do, because then the scrotal apparently fills with money.
13:11So that's the incantation.
13:14They're sort of necropants.
13:16There is an official word for them.
13:17Necropants?
13:18Yeah, dead pants.
13:19That's the sort of thing you see advertised at three o'clock in the morning.
13:23Do you want necropants?
13:25I think the name is Nabroch.
13:28But we were talking about the Icelandic phone book.
13:30I've got another interesting thing about phone books.
13:32I've got a little task for you to do, a little Christmas party game.
13:35I've got these phone books here.
13:37And what's happened is they've been interleaved.
13:40That's all it is.
13:41There's no glue or anything.
13:41They've literally, like a pack of cards, one page inside another.
13:44Oh, that must have taken ages.
13:46It did.
13:47Our props people are very proud of their work.
13:49There you are.
13:50We'll share.
13:51All I want you to do, you've got ropes there, is just pull them apart.
13:54So you can take one each.
13:56It can't be done.
13:56Go on, pull them apart.
13:58It can't be done.
13:59Go on.
14:00There you go.
14:00You can't.
14:01You can't.
14:01You literally can't.
14:03It's quite extraordinary.
14:04Strong as Brian is.
14:06Go on, Sean.
14:06Cold, Brian.
14:07Pull.
14:07All it is.
14:20Sean's a name.
14:26Sean's a name.
14:28How come your water wasn't spilt?
14:30That's magical.
14:31Yes, yes, it's an old trick.
14:33Me and Brian have been doing this trick for years.
14:37That is, I think, proof positive.
14:38I'm trying to sit on top of me, fixed up chair.
14:41A man as strong as Brian, he may be able to pull Sean off his jab, but it can't be
14:47done.
14:47In fact, you need 8,000 pounds of force in order to do it.
14:49Really?
14:50Why?
14:50It's quite bizarre.
14:52It's friction.
14:52And it's just replicated each time.
14:55I know, it's so, so hard.
14:57You've loosened them.
14:59This time it's me.
15:01This time it's personal.
15:02I mean, thank you.
15:18Still can't do it.
15:22Hey!
15:32Has anyone got a lighter?
15:35No.
15:36And you've stopped reading the escort pages as well.
15:41Very good eyesight from there.
15:43I know my Alan.
15:45Well, there you are.
15:46The fact is, yes, surprising as...
15:51Nurse, she's out of bed again.
15:55So, from Iceland to Alaska, the Eskimo Indian Olympics have been held every year since 1961.
16:02Phone books are not involved, but these are more toys for you to play with.
16:07Voila.
16:08Voila.
16:09And I'm afraid you're going to have to prepare to get a little bit sticky.
16:13These lubed rods.
16:15Here.
16:16Which are very icky.
16:23Sorry, Stephen, but this contravenes my super injunction.
16:35All you have to do is try and work out what the sports are in the world Eskimo Indian Olympics,
16:41as they're now officially called.
16:42Well, that's obviously...
16:43You can play it with Brian.
16:45It's actually...
16:48Each one of these games is like most games.
16:51It's there really basically to hone the skills you need for the environment in which you live.
16:54Is this a two-person game?
16:56It's a two-person game.
16:56Is it fire?
16:57Is it fire?
16:58No.
16:58Leave a string for the moment and grab the stick.
17:02And...
17:03It's all right.
17:04It's very helpful.
17:12It's the one who can basically, without twisting or jerking, the one who can get the stick off the other.
17:16Oh, Christ.
17:17I've got no chance.
17:22Woo-hoo!
17:24It's all one.
17:26There you can see them doing it.
17:28Go on.
17:29Have a go.
17:30There you go.
17:30Right, this time.
17:31This time, you're going on the floor.
17:33Right.
17:35There you go.
17:36Only my hand there, Brian.
17:37Oh, sorry.
17:39I've only got a little...
17:40No twisting or jerking.
17:41I think you're on one side.
17:43My hands are too big.
17:45Can you go...
17:46Oh, look.
17:47He got...
17:47Oh, look.
17:49Oh, look.
17:53Oh, look.
17:54Oh, it's not a good one.
18:00And we have a string game yet to play.
18:03There's another game.
18:03Oh, don't worry.
18:04Let me guess.
18:05We have to wrap it around our balls.
18:07No, you don't.
18:09You do have to wrap it around an organ.
18:12Oh, that's a...
18:15Fortunately, not an organ of generation.
18:18An auditory organ.
18:19One of your ears.
18:21Each wraps it around the ear.
18:23You wrap the other end down your ear, and you pull.
18:25All right, sir.
18:28When you were ear, that's what I'm doing.
18:30All right, sir.
18:30Well, boys, be brave.
18:34Put it around your ear.
18:35It's a pain endurance test.
18:37I'll go around the other ear.
18:38Oh, look.
18:39Look at me to his ear.
18:40I don't want that to happen, I hear.
18:43As you can see from the photograph, it's endurance and pain are really the...
18:49You've got glasses on, of course.
18:51I don't know if that helps.
18:52Hello.
18:53Hello.
18:55They were quite springy ears.
18:56They were really got springy ears.
18:57Is that an advantage or a disadvantage?
18:59Are these a disadvantage because they're very, very springy?
19:01Yeah, they're wild.
19:04I've declared the winner there, Brian, and he's been winning on your side.
19:07Yeah, he's got entirely in hair.
19:08You've turned it into a plait.
19:10I cheated.
19:11Look, I tied it.
19:13Definitely cheating.
19:14These are official, official sports on the Eskimo Olympics.
19:18But it's a very fine part of the world, if you've ever been there.
19:20Very beautiful.
19:21Very beautiful.
19:21You've been there, I'm sure.
19:22Yes, yes, yes.
19:23Pricy waste, yes, yes.
19:24You were telling me of an interesting thing, which I didn't know, about Canada.
19:28Yes, I went on an expedition to the North Pole in 2004.
19:32It goes to 70 degrees below zero and 60 degrees wind chill factor.
19:37And, I mean, when you want to have a pee, you've got 25 seconds to have a piss,
19:41otherwise your cock will fall off.
19:44And the thing is, that's motivation.
19:47But the astonishing thing is that as we approach the magnetic North Pole,
19:51suddenly you could feel the magnetism and my hair stood on end and my, yes, everything was titillated.
20:03And at that moment I felt this great earthquake and up came a great Russian typhoon submarine and it came
20:12through the ice and the men got off and so forth.
20:16And they called me Father Christmas for frost.
20:19You've got to give them the fright of their life.
20:20I know, yes, I've got ice down here and I sang heroine.
20:25Yo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho
20:30-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho
20:30-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
20:31I think we're going to step into this.
20:34Ah!
20:35Wow!
20:35I've got everything wonderful.
20:39Um, very, very good.
20:41Now, in 1845, Sir John Franklin led an expedition to the Arctic to discover the North West Passage.
20:48A group of his men set off across the ice with a sled load of button polish,
20:57handkerchiefs, curtain rods and a writing desk.
21:01Why? What were they doing?
21:05Nobody knows.
21:06Yes!
21:07You are right!
21:11Well done.
21:15My assumption is that sadly none of them made it back.
21:18No, they didn't. It was one of the most disastrous expeditions in all navigatory history.
21:22Or they were off on a sled boot seal.
21:26It was 128 men all perished in this expedition and 35 different rescue parties were sent out over decades to
21:35try and find them and find out what happened.
21:37It wasn't until the 1980s until it was discovered precisely what had happened to them because their bodies were well
21:42preserved in ice.
21:43And do you know what it was that they discovered?
21:44Was it Laurence Llewellyn Bowen going, those curtains are terrible!
21:49It was discovered that their bodies were filled with toxic levels of lead.
21:54And they had gone on the expedition with some very early examples of canned food.
21:58And the solder they used in the canned food was lead solder.
22:01And lead poisoning, amongst other things, can make people have mass delusions.
22:05And so these poor people loaded a sled with button polish and handkerchiefs and a writing desk and went off
22:13into the waste.
22:14I know it sounds funny, but it is awful, isn't it?
22:17I can imagine they went to open a really disappointing shop.
22:21What have you got?
22:22The point is, we know from the archaeology of it that that's what they did, but as Adam rightly said,
22:26nobody knows why they did it, except that it was some sort of delusion that they must have had.
22:31But at the other end of the world, what did Captain Scott take to the Antarctic to keep his lads
22:38entertained?
22:39A first edition of Razzle.
22:42Yeah, because he was going to take strippers, but out there, so many clothes.
22:47He just sat there going, oh, come on.
22:50It was some musical entertainment.
22:51A gramophone?
22:52There was a gramophone on the second one, but more extraordinarily.
22:55Triangle.
22:56No, much more extraordinarily.
22:57A piano?
22:59Not just a piano.
23:00Hammond organ.
23:01A player piano, a pianola.
23:03A pianola, you know, the kind that plays itself like so with a piano roll.
23:07God, but they were delighted.
23:09I mean, they choose to have one of those and you do it with your fingers.
23:11That's right, you power it with your pedals and the punched paper goes through and it plays itself like that.
23:17I suppose they figured that out there it's so cold, you wouldn't want to be playing the piano, would you?
23:21Well, oddly enough.
23:22And if you did have your gloves on, it'd be a right racket.
23:25On one of his first expeditions, he took a real piano only to discover that nobody on board could play.
23:30So when he went on the second one, this company were very pleased to furnish him with the piano,
23:35being an exciting piece of modern technology and 20 rolls.
23:38And on the final expedition, the one in which they all perished,
23:41another company got in and gave him another pianola with 250 rolls,
23:46each one being a different piece of music, of course.
23:47And he actually took it off the ship.
23:49It took real effort to get it on land to the first base camp, just so they could have music.
23:54Oh, they didn't drag it to the pole, was it?
23:55They didn't take it all the way to the pole.
23:57That would have been a bit silly.
23:59Leave it there.
24:00You get there as loads of others.
24:01Amundsen's taken the whole band.
24:03It was very interesting to put a kind of sad note to the story.
24:07Of course, Scott got there and he went on the known route, which was tough,
24:13going up the glaciers and so forth.
24:15But Amundsen, of course, went a different route and found it was easy.
24:18And he was lucky.
24:19So he got there days before Scott did.
24:22And when Scott got there, of course, he discovered the Norwegian flag.
24:24And when Scott got there, he saw the Norwegian flag.
24:27And then Scott coming back was depressed and so forth.
24:29And they all died gradually, one by one, et cetera.
24:33But Amundsen got back to Norway and he was in the bath.
24:37And his wife came into the bathroom and said,
24:40Scott has died on the way back from the South Pole.
24:45And Amundsen said, he's beaten me.
24:48Yes, because he meant by dying, it was Scott of the Antarctic and not Amundsen of the Antarctic.
24:54He just became a hero.
24:55He became a hero.
24:56What he should have said was, can I have his piano?
25:01Well, the one on the left of the photograph is the famous Oates,
25:04who, if you remember, was the one who sacrificed his life,
25:06who left the tent, said there may be some time.
25:08There may be some time.
25:09Yeah, and there's Scott in the middle.
25:11Do you remember the, rather moving, the last words he wrote in his diary,
25:13which when they discovered...
25:14We took risks, we knew we were taking them, and things have come out against us.
25:18Therefore, we have no reason to complain.
25:21He ended with the words, for God's sake, look after our people.
25:23Yes, she's rather captured.
25:25And while we're in the Antarctic, what happens when a penguin steps on a landmine?
25:31Oh, I dare say nothing at all.
25:33It flies.
25:36It either goes off or it doesn't.
25:38I'm going, it doesn't.
25:39Surely the landmines would be frozen, wouldn't they?
25:43So it would just, just cruise over.
25:45I know if a human stood on them, they would be blown up.
25:48Alan is absolutely right.
25:49Nothing happens.
25:49They tap dance, don't they?
25:50They're too light.
25:51They're too light.
25:52They're too light.
25:52Now, that may seem rather irrelevant, except for the fact that there is a particular place
25:56on earth where thousands of landmines were laid, which is...
26:00Falklands.
26:00The Falklands, by the Argentinian army when they occupied.
26:03And so no humans can go there.
26:05And most importantly, no whalers.
26:07There was a big whaling industry.
26:09And rather sadly, because there are not many trees on the Falklands, what the whalers did
26:13is they captured the whale, and what they wanted to do was to burn the, you know, to boil
26:18it up so they'd get the whale oil, which is where all the money was.
26:21And there are no trees to burn, so they used to burn penguins.
26:24They used to kill the penguins.
26:25Penguins have a lot of oil under themselves as well.
26:27So they'd use the penguin oil to make the fire to burn the whales, and the population
26:32went down from 10 million to a very, very small number.
26:35But since the landmines...
26:36Took another penguin on the fire.
26:40That's a brilliant thing.
26:41What are you doing?
26:42I'm just burning some penguins so I can boil up this whale.
26:46I know.
26:47It was absurd.
26:48That's a job.
26:49But the beauty of it is one of the sort of laws of unintended consequences.
26:53Because of these landmines, the whalers can't go anywhere near it.
26:57They can't get the penguins anymore.
26:57The penguins are now multiplying and doing really well.
26:59The penguins have now...
27:00They're really happy, aren't they?
27:02They're really happy, aren't they?
27:04The penguins are now laying more mines.
27:07Yes, exactly.
27:11Now, where's the best place to look for the abominable snowman?
27:15I think this is an area of your expertise.
27:17Yeah, you're looking at me.
27:19I'll start it all off for the lads.
27:21Yes, yes, yes.
27:22Of course you're looking at one.
27:24I think it's called Sasquatch Bigfoot in Canada.
27:28And in Russia it's called the Almus Giant or the Yeti, Sukpa or Metama.
27:33Then in China they have their own hairy men and it's Sukpa, Metama out there as well.
27:38Yeti.
27:38And then in Sumatra it's called Orang Pendek or upright man, not meaning an orangutan.
27:45There is no doubt at all that Yetis obviously do exist.
27:51There are great parts of the world that we don't know about.
27:54I mean when I was in Mongolia, the Mongols are telling me that frequently in the late autumn that you
27:59get migrations of dozens and dozens and dozens of Almus Giants.
28:06And they see them in the distance.
28:07So I want to go out there one day and go to Northern Mongolia and just go...
28:15And then I think that might scare them off.
28:17Brilliant.
28:18Well that's fantastic.
28:19Thank you very, very much.
28:21Brilliant.
28:24So there are some who are disbelievers, unlike you, but you are a believer.
28:27Yes, completely a believer because all the different people I meet and different trackers I meet, I think.
28:31You have to remember that the large mountain gorilla was only discovered about 90 years ago.
28:36Yes.
28:36There's a giant mountain gorilla, you know, in Rwanda.
28:40And so we, there are so many, we're discovering them all the time.
28:43There's so much to discover.
28:45So I think, I don't think we've scratched the surface yet.
28:47And there are indeed centres for the study of them, one in Siberia and one in the Bhutanese area.
28:53Bhutanese and a Yeti park.
28:54Yes, that's right.
28:55It's a hell of a thought.
28:57Well that is a brilliant answer and completely correct, of course.
29:00Where, now, where did Queen Victoria get her ice from?
29:06She liked ice, she liked ice in her drink.
29:08But would it come down the Thames, would it come down the Thames?
29:11It was imported, I'll tell you that.
29:13From icebergs?
29:14Not from icebergs, no.
29:15For a time it was the most famous lake in the world because it provided ice for the royal families
29:19and the rich of all of Europe.
29:21And its name was synonymous with ice before electrical and mechanical refrigeration allowed us to make ice ourselves.
29:26And it was called Lake Wenham.
29:28And it still exists, Lake Wenham, it's now a reservoir outside Boston, Massachusetts.
29:32There was a man called Tudor who had the brilliant idea of chopping it all up.
29:36There it is, all being chopped up and sent to Britain.
29:38And there was a shop in the Strand that had a huge block of ice in it.
29:42And, and they had a newspaper behind the ice to show its clarity.
29:47And crowds would gather round and you could read the newspaper through the clear ice.
29:51And it was, it was the wonder of the age.
29:53And obviously you had to be very rich to afford it because it had come a long way.
29:55But it would last a long time.
29:57And it was Lake Wenham ice.
29:58Gosh.
29:59It's got a bit of an American enterprise.
30:01Very well.
30:02Interesting.
30:03I bet he was, I bet he was pissed off the day they invented the refrigerator.
30:06I'm sure he was.
30:07They tried to suggest that, that frozen lake ice was actually better for you.
30:11It was clearer and more pure.
30:13Now, why did the Spanish Duke of Alba order 7,000 pairs of ice skates?
30:19Yes.
30:19Because he was a millipede.
30:28You can't see from that picture.
30:31Thousands of legs.
30:33Any thoughts as to why he might have ordered 7,000 pairs of ice skates?
30:37He wanted to wipe it out.
30:38He went, I hate ice skating.
30:39I'm going to buy all the boots.
30:41And it would just die out.
30:43We're talking the 17th century.
30:45That's what I'd do.
30:46We're talking the 17th century.
30:48I'd do it for show jumping though.
30:49Right.
30:51Lies by all the horses.
30:55And all those funny blocks that look like walls you've never seen before.
30:59Buy all those.
30:59And then show jumping would be finished forever.
31:02So you think he was trying to wipe out ice skating as a sport?
31:05Yes, yeah.
31:06It'd be a good James Bond plot, wouldn't it?
31:07We're in the 17th century.
31:09Instead of trying to take over the world, I'm trying to stop show jumping.
31:13James Bond's got to get me and kill me before I...
31:16The trouble is you've got all them obstacles.
31:20You've got all them obstacles in your garden and you've bought the horses.
31:25They're going to...
31:25It's in their nature.
31:27They're going to be doing it in the garden.
31:29Yeah.
31:29You'll look out, be entertained.
31:31Hoisted by my own Patel.
31:33Exactly.
31:34Is it to do with the Inquisition?
31:36Not quite the Inquisition.
31:37It was.
31:37It was to do with the Pope who in his glory and humility and wisdom and Christian charity
31:42sentenced the entire population of the Netherlands to death for heresy because they'd gone...
31:48He caught it through.
31:49No, because they'd gone Protestant, he decided that they should all die.
31:53And Spain, being a Catholic kingdom, decided they would be the ones to invade the Netherlands.
31:58And the enterprising Dutch in one battle, when it was very, very cold, the Spaniards attacked them.
32:03And the Dutch came out on skates because they were used to skating up and down their canals and things.
32:07And they left hundreds of Spaniards dead.
32:09And Duke Valbert determined that this should never happen again.
32:12So he ordered 7,000 pairs of ice skates so the Spanish army should be prepared for war on ice.
32:18It was never used.
32:19I'll tell you what.
32:20There is a Saturday night programme on ice.
32:24It's Celebrity War on Ice.
32:28Isn't it great?
32:29Here come the Spanish.
32:30They've never skated before.
32:31Woo-hoo!
32:32Look out, Manuel.
32:33It's cold.
32:34What?
32:35It is true entertainment.
32:37But there you are.
32:38That's a true story.
32:39And an interesting one.
32:40Well, you've all done very well.
32:42So you can have a reward.
32:44And this is an ice cream.
32:45And I want you to pass yours to Sean there.
32:48And then keep one for yourself.
32:51Spoons as well.
32:52Well done, Alan.
32:53Very good.
32:54Oh, oh, oh!
32:55It is ice cream.
32:56I love a long show.
32:58And I just want you to give me some tasting notes on it, basically.
33:01Tell me what you think about it.
33:03Is it going to be breast milk?
33:05No, it's not.
33:06There was, wasn't there?
33:07There was a breast milk gum.
33:09Okay.
33:09It's Turkish, in fact.
33:11It's a Turkish ice cream.
33:11It's very lovely.
33:12Well, the odd thing is, I have to tell you.
33:14Is it a body part?
33:15Is it going to be some...
33:16It is fox testicle ice cream.
33:19Fox testicle ice cream.
33:22Oh!
33:28I knew it.
33:28I'm a...
33:30I'm a slave to a fox's bollocks cream.
33:34Well...
33:34Well, I'm playing with words here, because it's not actually from the testicles of a fox...
33:39No, I know.
33:39This is the first...
33:41I'm sorry to disappoint you.
33:43It's actual name in Turkish, if I get this right, is salepi don durma.
33:47And it means fox testicle, because salepi means the same as an English word that we use for a flower.
33:53From the Greek for testicle, which is orchis.
33:56And the orchid, because of the shape of its root, comes from the word testicle.
33:59And this is made from a particular orchid.
34:02Oh.
34:02So, do you like the taste of it?
34:04It's delightful.
34:04It's better than a kick in the orchids.
34:06Right.
34:07Exactly.
34:08Or even a testicle.
34:10We call it the early purple orchid.
34:13Oh.
34:14Very nice.
34:15I'm glad you like it.
34:16It is a delicacy.
34:17But, unfortunately, it's becoming an endangered orchid.
34:19It's now illegal to export it, I know.
34:23And now, an icy chill strikes the cocklels as we brave the frozen wastes of general ignorance.
34:30So, frostbitten fingers on your buzzers as we ask, quickly, what are igloos usually made from?
34:38Blue ice?
34:40No.
34:42No.
34:43You're going to force it.
34:44They're not made from ice at all.
34:46Made from glue.
34:49Nice score.
34:50Is it an apple glue?
34:52No.
34:53No.
34:54Eye glue.
34:55Very good.
35:03They're usually made from caribou hide.
35:06That is the usual igloo.
35:08Very, very rare for them to be made out of the blocks of snow of cartoonists' fame.
35:13And there's your typical igloo.
35:14And there's your sort of cliché igloo, which is very rare.
35:17No.
35:18Now, what do you say to a husky to make it go?
35:22No.
35:25General, I like that.
35:26It's a good shot.
35:28Most people think that you're supposed to say...
35:31Mush.
35:32Mush.
35:33Ah.
35:33But, in fact, for years that hasn't been said.
35:35And, mush actually comes from the French mush, just meaning go.
35:39I thought it was like cockneys.
35:41Come on, mush.
35:42I am.
35:43Come on, Doug.
35:44It's all in.
35:45It's all in.
35:45Yep.
35:46So there's trends in what huskies respond to?
35:48Very much so.
35:49So the huskies, if you say mush now, they just go, oh, they're so...
35:53Ha!
35:54So lost here.
35:56They've got to say, like, wicked or sick.
35:58Well, possibly.
35:59Possibly wicked or sick.
36:01They basically say hike on, or hike, or something like that.
36:03The fact is, they're so keen to do it, aren't they?
36:06Yes, yeah.
36:06I mean, it's quite extraordinary.
36:07They get fantastically excited and happy.
36:09And it is one of the most exhilarating things that you can do.
36:12It's fantastically good fun, isn't it?
36:14Yes, yes.
36:14It's interesting that when I did go to Mongolia, in actual fact, the Mongols have mainly huskies
36:22and wolves.
36:23They don't have dogs.
36:24And I had a firewoman bending all the fires, which is a great, big, bloody wolf.
36:30And he was in my tent, he slept with me, this wonderful wolf.
36:33Yes.
36:33It adored me.
36:34I gave it Mars bars and things like that.
36:38And she said, he will climb with you.
36:40Go climb.
36:41And I climbed 14,000 foot up this ridge, and I climbed it with a wolf.
36:46And then we came back down, got back into my tent.
36:49I mean, you have to understand, you know, ladies and gentlemen, I mean, even at my age
36:53in my seventies, I'm a randy bastard.
36:55And I was missing my wife horribly.
36:59I took this great big, bloody wolf, looked at his face, you know, and I just, I just
37:05went, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, what I cry for.
37:08You know, you got the kind of kisses that I cry for.
37:12You know, you made me love you.
37:18And he absolutely adored me.
37:20Right.
37:21Wow.
37:22Right, you know, earlier you were saying you don't suffer from altitude sickness.
37:24No, I don't.
37:26I think you do.
37:28You know, well, I think we've, I think we've worked it out.
37:31We know why Brian's huskies were going so fast.
37:35Hey, hey.
37:36Quit eating this game, ejecu�!
37:40Oh dear god!
37:41I thought I was just thinking the whole time.
37:44They all put down, they're pulling you.
37:45Yeah.
37:45He's still there!
37:46Come on!
37:48Fast and he's fast!
37:50Well
37:52They are extraordinary animals, you know.
37:54A 73-strong team once pulled a 10-toned truck.
37:58Pretty impressive.
37:59Amazing.
37:59Now what can you see here?
38:01Have a look.
38:03what's that oh ah yeah it's it's not what you think it is it's not the lot this one it's
38:10a
38:10hoax it's a very famous for do you know why the forgery was made yes i've got in the price
38:16i've
38:16read a book there must have been a cash prize for getting the people it was revenge oddly enough
38:22it was a journalist i'll give you his name marmaduke weatherall yes he um yes of course
38:30he was shut up i know something yes marmaduke weatherall was a he was a big game hunter
38:37and he was a bit there was a competition uh the the uh one of the pit shut your fist
38:46i asked years of years and years i've waited i know about marmaduke weatherall and i remember at
38:54the time i thought that's gonna come in handy sometime and i thought probably not but turns
38:58out it is there was a competition uh by one of the newspapers to prove that the loch ness monster
39:04existed so marmaduke weatherall cut the legs off a hippo and he he made fake footprints with the
39:12severed hippo legs and then presumably that he got found out it's and if you say no i'll punch you
39:19in
39:19no you're you're you're really close you're really close the point is he wanted the prize he was
39:26fooled by the hip the artificial hippo footprints and he went to the daily mail and said i've i found
39:34these footprints here they are and the daily mail publisher the natural history museum saw them and
39:39said this is a fake these are hippo footprints and he was fired by the daily mail and he was
39:43so angry
39:43that he then put together this hoax with someone else whose name was christian sperling and many
39:50people believed believed that to be nessie and finally to round off this merry edition of qi
39:57let's see if we can perform between us a christmassy song you've each got some bells
40:06now this could be a disaster put on your hats there's darling yeah i don't mean to allow me but
40:14mine has a fuse now have you got one of these cards here really tight you should have that you
40:22see
40:22your bells now your bells are numbered and you should have a card and we're going to see
40:29we're going to see if we get that's it yep tuning up tuning up have you got your numbers clear
40:33all right steven's book bless us all i've got it i've got a baton you're right we're going to try
40:40and play a christmassy tune okay and are you ready and have you got your numbers and can you see
40:47the
40:47numbers on your cards and one two three one four four five four three two two
40:57two five five six five four three one one six six seven six five four two one one two five
41:13three four
41:15well done
41:19brilliant
41:20brilliant
41:22brilliant
41:23brilliant
41:23brilliant
41:25such
41:27musicianship
41:27most impressive
41:29and with that we must look at the horrible cacophony of the schools and it makes
41:33absolutely fascinating christmas reading
41:37i'm sorry to say that in last place with minus eight it's short knock
41:45in third place
41:47with a very creditable minus three
41:50it's Ross Noble
41:54and our first timer in second place
41:58with minus two Brian Blessed
42:02but
42:04do my eyes deceive me
42:07with plus nine
42:07a runaway winner
42:08Alan Davis
42:12oh there you are
42:18so
42:19what's left to me is to thank
42:21Brian, Sean, Ross and of course Alan
42:23and to leave you with this comforting thought
42:25from RG Daniels
42:26the most delightful advantage of being bald
42:28is that one can hear snowflakes
42:31goodnight and a very
42:33merry Christmas
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