- 21 minutes ago
First broadcast 14th October 2011.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Sean Lock
Nina Conti
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Sean Lock
Nina Conti
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:02and welcome to qi where tonight we'll be putting sliced bread to shame and reinventing the wheel
00:08in a show all about inventions and joining me at the lab bench we have a world first
00:14nina conti and gran
00:21the peculiarly innovative sean loch
00:29the patently absurd bill bailey
00:37and i'm afraid it's back to the drawing board alan davis
00:47now panel if you have any bright ideas you wish to share activate the light bulb in front of you
00:52bill goes sean goes nina or gran go
01:00and alan goes
01:06so you brought your grandmother with you
01:08yes
01:09is she familiar with our rule we have a in this series we have a don't know rule
01:14we have a nobody knows rule
01:16all right
01:17there's a joker which you have there which is the nobody knows
01:21nobody knows
01:21ah you see and there may be a question to which nobody actually knows the answer there is no right
01:26answer
01:26the answer is nobody knows can she
01:28yes there you go gran
01:29i can hold it look
01:30oh look it's it's it's it
01:32yes
01:32she's got a little bit of arthritis in the fingers
01:34that's mesmerizing look at that
01:36yes it's it
01:37do you want to hold it for you
01:38no dear
01:39oh all right
01:40you strap me on the bottom with it dear
01:42oh
01:42great
01:43i won't be like that i'm just excited
01:46fair enough
01:47good
01:48now my first question is
01:50why should you be glad that you didn't invent the flying car
01:54the parachute suit or the web rotary press
01:57what i've got a feeling the guy with the parachute suit
02:00yeah
02:01didn't he die
02:02he did
02:03um and then it does follow that they all died
02:07they were all killed by their own invention
02:10the inventor of the web rotary press for example which was a huge advance
02:14yes
02:15and it revolutionized printing and unfortunately the inventor fell into the works
02:18and um got gummed up in them and died
02:21really
02:22yeah
02:22yeah
02:23very sad business
02:24very sad business
02:25but it did change printing
02:26he was called william bullock
02:28oh
02:28which bit of it did he fall in
02:30well into the sort of gearing
02:31i can't imagine how he would have managed it
02:33there was a bloke the other day
02:34went through a machine
02:35and his whole body went through a tunnel the size of a cd
02:39what
02:39and he survived
02:41what
02:44was it
02:44was it ronnie corbett
02:47no
02:49that would explain it
02:50no
02:51his whole head went in
02:52broke every bone in his body
02:54but he did live
02:55but he lived
02:56wow
02:57to tell the tale
02:57unfortunately though
02:58he is now in a redundant format
03:10well anyway that was the fate of william bullock and when it comes to the parachute suit
03:13it was a man called franz reichel who was an austrian who was convinced that he could jump off the
03:17eiffel tower
03:18this is 1912 wearing a parachute suit
03:21people warned him that it was not a good idea
03:23he was utterly confident
03:25ripped a page out of a book to test which way the wind was going
03:29his last words were
03:30a bianto
03:31unfortunately that was the instruction manual
03:35he jumped off and hit the ground a little bit too hard and was dead
03:39so that was not a good result
03:42that's not actually an invention then is it
03:44well
03:45that's just a really stupid thing to do
03:48yes
03:49where's the actual sort of grey area where inventions just become suicide
03:53it was a parachute suit that might have worked from higher up
03:56right
03:57I mean the principle behind it was sound as we know from parachutes they do work
04:01but he just
04:02he invented jumping off things
04:04he invented jumping off things badly
04:06badly
04:07yeah
04:07a flying car you ought to know about
04:09oh
04:10now this was a californian engineer called henry smalinski
04:12look at that
04:13oh it's lovely
04:14it is lovely
04:15I can't fly or drive though
04:17because I can't see because my eyes are gargles
04:20yes
04:20but I can point where I want to go
04:24look
04:24oh
04:25there
04:25higher
04:26there's buildings down there
04:28here
04:29sit
04:30hello
04:30hello
04:32pull the finger dear
04:33ok
04:34oh nothing happened
04:35oh
04:37oh
04:37you've got a very very warm finger there gran
04:40oh no don't say that there
04:42draw attention to it
04:44alright
04:45where it's keen
04:46ok
04:46alright thank you
04:48thank you
04:49thank you gran
04:51um yes
04:52I mean on the face of it it's rather a marvellous idea
04:54smalinski's idea was that you drove to an airport
04:56you collected the wings
04:58you'd fly
05:00500 miles odd to the next city
05:01where you'd take the wings off and then you'd drive off again
05:03and it worked really well
05:05and then in 1973 he was on a flight and one of the struts broke and he and his co
05:10-pilot plunged to their death
05:11yes
05:12and the idea was never thought of again but I think it should be brought back
05:15I thought it would have died when he when he was up in the air and then he got up
05:19to go around the with the drinks trolley
05:23I mean I think it's rather simple
05:24it's all right
05:25it worked with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
05:26yes
05:27yeah
05:27so do they have two sets of controls then
05:30well you've asked an intelligent question
05:32it's extraordinary
05:33yeah I know
05:35hooray
05:40joysticks and they all turn over like in Thunderbirds or something
05:43the car
05:43the big switch
05:44playing car
05:46yes
05:46the car steering was modified to control the ailerons so you could fly from the driver's seat
05:51so it was all pretty much all in one
05:53so you could actually steer it with the steering wheel
05:55basically yeah
05:55I'd love one of those wouldn't you?
05:58I'd love one too
05:59difficult to park dear
06:00yeah difficult to park
06:02I think it's a brilliant idea
06:03yeah
06:04I don't like flying
06:05don't you?
06:06but I was bought a flying lesson for my 40th birthday
06:09my entire family clubbed together and bought me a flying lesson
06:12yeah
06:13it was 99 pounds
06:15your entire family spent 99 pounds?
06:18yeah
06:18on my 40th
06:19wow
06:19I was in quite a bad mood when I turned up in the air and then
06:24especially there's 99 of them
06:25yeah
06:27I just have to stay in the overhead compartment
06:30don't I dear
06:31yeah I put her in the air in the compartment
06:33aww
06:33that's a bit mean
06:34no nuts
06:35right
06:36people have to open the compartment slowly just in case you fall out and injure someone
06:40I fall out and hurt someone yes
06:41it's tragic
06:42it is tragic
06:43I'll keep going
06:44yes
06:45happy days
06:46aren't you allowed to use the loo?
06:48no I don't have any godly functions dear
06:51I just sit there for comfort but nothing happens
06:55oh
06:55oh
06:57right
06:58too much information grand
07:00there are all these other grands in the overhead compartments all grand
07:05crawling about during the flight
07:06right
07:07I don't know why you even go on the plane why don't you just post yourself
07:13too anxious dear and heavy
07:15that's not true
07:16I lost her once actually on a plane
07:18by an airline you know which I for legal reasons I'm not supposed to name
07:22Ryanair
07:27she's bad
07:32did you have to pay an extra seat for her or an extra cabin area or anything
07:36no I'm fortunate that she's a cheatskate
07:38I don't know
07:39that's why I
07:40I don't know
07:41she's a bit big for hand luggage so it's a dilemma
07:44it's always a risk
07:45yeah
07:46would you put your granny in the hold dear
07:50no I wouldn't
07:51no
07:51I have a friend who has one of those micro pigs and she
07:54she puts the pig in hand luggage
07:57and in the cabin without telling them
07:59it's only
08:01it's only a pig innit
08:02it's one of those tiny pigs
08:04are they easy to look after my wife would love one of those
08:06well you can grow them can't you in special tubes
08:08and er
08:09so they're triangular then they'll fit in a Toblerone box
08:12you know
08:13well so Toblerone
08:15no
08:17some of them will grow and grow and grow and you find you basically got a huge
08:20you've actually just got an actual pig
08:22yes
08:23what you bought was a piglet
08:27imagine being conned by a pig salesman
08:31it's called buying a pig in a poke
08:32yeah
08:33it actually is a phrase for it
08:35pig salesman used to be dishonest
08:36can you say that Nina?
08:38what pig in a poke?
08:39can I say that?
08:40is that what that means?
08:41go on say pig in a poke
08:42that is a challenge to a ventriloquist
08:44come on
08:45no if I say pig in a poke it's fine
08:47you say it Gran
08:49no
08:51no
08:51no
08:51go on Grant
08:52pig in a poke
08:53yay
08:55that was impressive
08:58how do they do that?
08:59how do they do that?
09:00how do they do that?
09:01I didn't know it meant that
09:02pig in a poke?
09:03what's a poke then?
09:04a poke is a sack
09:05a pocket is a small poke
09:07what do I say?
09:07so you haven't seen the pig?
09:08exactly
09:08could be a dog
09:09sight unseen exactly
09:11so yes the point is all those inventions tragically killed their inventors
09:15which well known invention is the wickedness which lurks in the belly and deserves to dwell in the cesspool?
09:24the wickedness which lurks in the belly
09:27the wickedness which lurks in the belly
09:29er
09:30do we know the last funny delight?
09:32no
09:32do we
09:34oh
09:34yes
09:35do we know Grant?
09:36we know because this is er yes because erm
09:38I'm a belly speaker
09:40you are a belly speaker ventriloquism
09:43ventriloquism
09:44that's it so you're a tummy speaker
09:45and it was considered to be a possession by demons
09:48if someone could
09:49have this voice come from their tummy
09:51that didn't seem to come out of the mouth
09:52or through their voice
09:53as you used to say
09:54ah
09:55and there was a patriarch of Constantinople by the name of Photius
09:58who once excommunicated the Pope
10:00and he was the one
10:02there you are
10:02have a go
10:04have a go
10:04oh
10:05we all got these
10:07here's a poke
10:08yes
10:10I'm very impressed
10:14oh hey Grant
10:14the wrong thing is
10:16that
10:16yes
10:18that
10:18puppet is a ventriloquist
10:20and its lips didn't move when you said that
10:21really?
10:22yes
10:22so it is operating you
10:25which is fantastic
10:26it really is a lot
10:28it really is a lot harder than its lips
10:31yes
10:31really hard
10:34you've had a stroke do you?
10:40it's like E.T.
10:42hey
10:42oh
10:43now don't cry
10:45oh no
10:46let's not kiss you
10:47I am Bogdan
10:48I like you very much
10:51you are
10:51you are
10:52you are an attractive lady
10:52you are too small thongy dear
10:54oh
10:55it's a shatter noon
10:56never see
10:57light as day again
10:58come with me
10:59I have oyster card
11:04are you moving your lips?
11:07are you moving your lips?
11:07how about that?
11:08it doesn't look like you have a stroke
11:14you have any time
11:17Sean let's see
11:17Sean let's see
11:18Sean let's see if you can do any better
11:23are you hoping we are going to poke?
11:24are you hoping we are going to poke?
11:24I am not moving my lips
11:26he is whispering
11:27sorry
11:28it is a left handed puppy
11:29sorry
11:31I will speak
11:32I will speak
11:33is Poke using
11:34oh
11:36that's the only thing I have said to do is
11:37oh
11:39oh
11:39oh
11:40oh
11:41what do they want to see?
11:43oh
11:43pieces of weight
11:44pieces of weight
11:46you don't actually have to stretch your mouth
11:49I can see how you want to do it
11:50it should have perfectly worked
11:51I'll do it any other way
12:06you don't have to stretch your mouth
12:13I can go
12:14oh
12:14oh
12:14oh
12:16oh
12:17oh
12:17oh
12:21Oh, dear, dear, dear.
12:25Well, can you imagine disappointment to us, all you are?
12:31I hope not.
12:34I can't get the talking to, I can't get the talking to you.
12:38Why are you an idiot?
12:41It's very difficult.
12:43You have to look like you're listening when you're talking.
12:45You look at her when she's talking?
12:48Yes, and you have to look like you're listening when you are, in fact, talking.
12:50It's quite difficult.
12:52You know, the first rule of show business is make everything look easy.
12:55Sorry.
12:55Yes, that's true.
12:56This half lit over here.
12:59I'm looking at the wrong, it's worth it.
13:06I think, is it not, it doesn't matter if your lips move,
13:09because surely this gives the game away.
13:14In those circumstances, yes.
13:16The stick here suggests that it's not actually a real thing.
13:20It doesn't really matter whether my lips move, does it?
13:22I thought this was a high-growth short.
13:25Yes, quite.
13:25And in order to make it high, brother, I'm sure you can help us a little bit, Nina,
13:29on the history of ventriloquism.
13:30Well, I know that it has a very dark history and that ventriloquists used to earn their living as if
13:38their words were divine utterances.
13:41Yes, that's the point.
13:42Yes.
13:42Not you, dear God.
13:44I'm so sorry.
13:45I'm so sorry.
13:46I'm so sorry.
13:47I was listening, but then my hand came out and it kind of shocked myself.
13:51What happened is this.
13:52That's really disturbing.
13:53It's quite disturbing.
13:54That's really disturbing.
13:54Really disturbing.
13:56That's so fun.
13:57That's horrible.
13:58That's like aliens.
14:00Oh!
14:01It's probably like, it's like Lady Gaga's sleeves.
14:06Well, yes, you're absolutely right.
14:08It was regarded as a divine utterance or demonic possession, in fact, wasn't it?
14:12Yes.
14:12And I know one woman died from her ventriloquism.
14:16Who was that?
14:17But I don't know her name.
14:19I bet you do.
14:20With her utterances, she was objecting to the marriage of Henry VIII.
14:25To Anne Boleyn.
14:26To Anne Boleyn.
14:27Her name was Elizabeth Barton.
14:28And she was known as the Holy Maid of Kent.
14:30And she was a very good ventriloquist.
14:32And so, these voices would come without her mouth moving, as it were, from her stomach.
14:36Nice tips, too.
14:36In which she would...
14:38In which she would say things.
14:40And she became very, very popular, until she started to say...
14:43The bloke looking at her tips.
14:47Well...
14:47You wouldn't do that.
14:51You've got yours out as well tonight.
14:55Is that a distract from the lip movement?
14:59And she did very well.
15:00She was very popular.
15:00Until she said that if Henry VIII married Anne Boleyn, he would be deposed.
15:04And Henry VIII didn't like that.
15:05Also had her head chopped off.
15:07And ironically, her head was put on top of a pole outside.
15:10And carried on top of him.
15:11Well, you wonder about it.
15:12It is quite a strange fate for a ventriloquist to have their head stuck on a pole.
15:16But she was indeed.
15:17She suffered for her art.
15:19But in the 19th century, it became known to be a piece of entertainment rather than demonic spirits.
15:24But the first ventriloquists on stage didn't have dummies.
15:27Did you know that?
15:28What did they have?
15:29Well, they used to do things like voices inside suitcases.
15:32Oh, just throwing your voice.
15:33And there would be ones who would do chimney sweeps.
15:35Where there would be a chimney and they would do the sound of the chimney sweep boy going up the
15:38chimney
15:38and getting more and more smothered and quieter and more distant as he went.
15:42And they get huge rounds of applause.
15:44But it was a man called Fred Russell who came up with it.
15:47His character Costa Joe was one of the first dummies.
15:49Was he blind?
15:52He made that one afternoon.
15:53It's not the most beautiful object you've ever seen, is it?
15:56But that's when the dummies became popular.
15:59And there were many, many famous acts.
16:02And some of them, rather bizarrely, on radio.
16:06Educating Archie.
16:08Educating Archie was one of the most successful radio comedy shows in BBC radio history.
16:13And Peter Brough, there's Peter Brough, there's Archie, where it was a radio show.
16:17And he had the puppet the whole time.
16:19He never even bothered.
16:20What's the point with the puppet?
16:22It's the show that Tony Hancock first appeared on, in fact.
16:24He made the terrible mistake, Peter Brough, one television arrived, of appearing on television.
16:29And he just spoke like this while his puppet was talking.
16:32I mean, he didn't even begin to venture towards ventriloquism.
16:36Nina is a ventriloquist, apparently.
16:39Nina is, are you?
16:40And yet to see evidence of that.
16:43But my mentor, Ken Campbell, who taught me ventriloquism,
16:48he excited me by it, by saying that people don't say the first thing that comes into their head,
16:53they say the second thing.
16:55Right.
16:55And we're all barmier than we let it be known.
16:57Once your insanity starts to leak, that's when they cut you away.
17:01But the ventriloquated doll can allow us access to the madness of the ventriloquist.
17:07It's a kind of Tourette's, as it were, almost.
17:09Licensed Tourette's, dear.
17:11Licensed Tourette's.
17:12That's a very good thing.
17:13Ken Campbell was one of the two great men of the 20th century as an entertainer,
17:17a director, a showmaker, actor, comic, and ventriloquist.
17:20And he was, um, what happened to his dolls?
17:24Oh, that he betweathed them to me in his will.
17:27And I'm one of them, you see.
17:28Are you really?
17:29Yes.
17:29Were you one of Ken Campbell's?
17:30I was one of his, yes.
17:32So it's been recycled.
17:33But there is a doll heaven, isn't there?
17:35There is a doll heaven.
17:36We've just made a film about this.
17:37Oh, have you?
17:38Yes, because when Ken left me his puppets in his will,
17:40I found about this place called Vent Haven in Kentucky,
17:43where donkeys go to rest.
17:46There it is, yes.
17:48Ah!
17:50Ah!
17:52Ah!
17:54Ah!
17:54You'd never stop screaming, would you?
17:58If you're a chalurophobe, you would be, um, but that's right.
18:02Ah!
18:03Over 700 ventriloquists who've died have bequeathed their puppets to Vent Haven, Kentucky.
18:09And apart from Gran, that's where...
18:11No, I'm there, actually.
18:12I'm there now.
18:13Who's your record's murdered the most?
18:16You think you're Chucky in Child's Play, aren't you?
18:20I mean, your classic puppet was, of course, a really big, round, blue-eyed sort of thing
18:25with dark eyebrows and a very, very particular sort of look, wasn't it?
18:30Do you recognize what that still is from?
18:32Magic.
18:33Magic, the film Magic.
18:34And this story is the classic of the ventriloquist who gets taken over,
18:38ah, yes, possessed.
18:39Do you think there's any truth in that?
18:41I mean, do ventriloquists get a bit slightly too close?
18:43Does, um, Keith Harris get a bit too close?
18:45You are.
18:46I mean, you...
18:46I can't speak for him.
18:48No.
18:49No, because you're not that good a ventriloquist.
18:51No, no, no.
18:52I am...
18:53I know that I have fallen for my puppets.
18:56Really?
18:56What do you mean?
18:57Well, I have on stage sometimes looked at Granny and thought, why aren't you saying
19:02anything?
19:03It's your line.
19:03Oh, really?
19:05That's hilarious.
19:07That's hilarious.
19:14So the madness is starting to kick in.
19:16So, yeah, it must be a wildly schizophrenic profession.
19:19Though, on what dark night of the soul, Keith Harris invented a duck like that?
19:25Or a haircut too, huh?
19:26Or a haircut too, huh?
19:27Yes, I was going to say.
19:28Best of a shirt.
19:29Holy smoke.
19:31Well...
19:31I still...
19:32I love the fact that Orville was in a nappy.
19:33That's my favourite.
19:34That was the...
19:35It was hard.
19:35It wasn't a duck in a nappy.
19:38Which is the opposite of Donald Duck.
19:39Yeah.
19:39Because he always had his privates out, didn't he?
19:42Yes.
19:42Good point.
19:43Yep.
19:44There you go.
19:45Well, break your point.
19:47Break your point.
19:48I think I've made that point excellently.
19:52And, er...
19:53I'm delighted with that point.
19:54Good.
19:55I've made.
19:55I'll give you a point for that point.
19:57I've got a point for that.
19:57Yeah, you've got a point for that point.
19:58The art of acrylicism has come on in leeks and gowns since...
20:02You're doing it now.
20:04You're doing it.
20:04Yeah, I don't know.
20:06Speaking of which, which of you here has or has ever had or used to have an imaginary friend?
20:11Did you have a grand?
20:12Did you have an imaginary friend?
20:14I think...
20:14Yes.
20:15You can't tell me.
20:16I think Bill Daley, that's a hard one.
20:18I think you're my imaginary friend.
20:21Oh.
20:21You're slightly out of focus.
20:23Really?
20:23How do you kind of...
20:24Wait, so...
20:25And you, Sean...
20:26That's very strange.
20:26I mean, my reality is being called into question by...
20:31This is one of the...
20:32This is one of the odd conversations I've had, but...
20:35If your imaginary friend falls over in the forest and there's no one to hear, does that...
20:41I can't finish this sentence.
20:42That's a very good philosophical point.
20:44We're getting Bishop Barclay from Gran.
20:46I'm very impressed.
20:48Did you have one?
20:49I mean, a lot of children do.
20:50Did you have an imaginary friend when you were young?
20:51I'm not aware of it.
20:52No, your mother would have told you.
20:54They didn't use to come around much.
20:57Quite.
20:58An imaginary friend who doesn't play with you.
21:00An imaginary friend who cuts you dead.
21:04Yeah.
21:05I want it to be his friend.
21:07Oh, that's so sad.
21:09He just wasn't interested.
21:12We're all familiar with, obviously, the concept of it.
21:14And the fact that a lot of children do seem to have imaginary friends, which can worry their parents.
21:18It's really peculiar.
21:19It is peculiar.
21:20That you have to lay places at table for them.
21:22They have to be given, you know, seats on sofas to watch television and so on.
21:26And they have tea parties for them.
21:27But it seems, according to psychiatrists, that having an imaginary friend is a very good thing for a child.
21:31And that children who have had them tend to have more social and verbal skills than those who don't.
21:36Although, it must be said, a certain proportion of them are malevolent.
21:40Some people have imaginary friends who scare their children, which is a very worrying thought.
21:45And nasty imaginary friends.
21:45I hear voices.
21:46What's that, though?
21:47Do you?
21:48Well, I ignore them and I just carry on killing.
21:58And voices, they say, stop killing people, Sean.
22:01Sean, you know this is wrong.
22:02Stop it.
22:02You know this is wrong, Sean.
22:04This isn't fair.
22:05I don't deserve it.
22:07I ignore them.
22:10Yeah.
22:11It is, yes.
22:12It's quite a phenomenon.
22:13It was actually Yasser Arafat, of all people, who said the history of religious wars is the history of people
22:19fighting over their imaginary friends.
22:21It's weird.
22:21The leader of the PLO, the man who founded the Palestinian movement, which is now, of course, such a, so
22:25bound up with religious extremism, was himself rather skeptical about it all.
22:29We've, the world has hardly come on, has it?
22:31Let's be honest.
22:32Interesting thing I know about him.
22:33Yeah.
22:34He married a French woman.
22:35You wouldn't think that, would you?
22:38It's not, it's not beyond the bounds of reason.
22:40Why are you, you think he's very interested in helping his local area?
22:45Yes.
22:45Yeah.
22:45He'd choose one of his local women.
22:48Yes, but the very nature of being a Palestinian meant he had no homeland in which to live, so it's
22:52quite likely he would choose someone from a homeland where he had had to reside in exile.
22:56Right.
22:56And many did in France, in fact.
22:59Or maybe she was just an imaginary wife.
23:01Maybe she was an imaginary, or maybe she was just damn hot.
23:05She was cocky.
23:07Foxy.
23:07Foxy, exactly.
23:08Renard.
23:08Was he a, was he a, was he a, was he a, was he a, was he a pussy hound?
23:11I don't know.
23:11I, um.
23:13I've never seen that.
23:16I haven't got, something's gone wrong.
23:21I'm just, I'm intrigued, I want to know that, I'm intrigued to think that you thought that was what I
23:25was about to say.
23:28You looked into my eyes and thought, he's going to say pussy hound.
23:32I'll beat him to it.
23:33I'll beat him to the punch.
23:35Now, is a pussy hound like a liger?
23:40It's a kind of a cat and a dog together.
23:45It was like a dog that we used to actually, the gentleman would send out the fine ladies.
23:53It's a combination.
23:54So it's kind of both independent yet loyal.
23:57Yes.
23:58Yes.
23:59I like the idea of that.
24:01Very good.
24:02Now, um, Candice Bergen, actress.
24:05Oh, yes.
24:06She, she was an actress.
24:07She was an actress.
24:07She's very, very beautiful.
24:09And still is.
24:09Very, very beautiful.
24:10Didn't happen so much of an imaginary friend as an imaginary brother.
24:13Can you imagine why that might be?
24:14It was Charlie McCarthy, wasn't it?
24:17Charlie, exactly.
24:18Because the most famous American ventriloquist was?
24:22Edgar Bergen.
24:22Edgar Bergen.
24:23He was a huge star.
24:25Huge star.
24:25And his puppy was called Charlie McCarthy.
24:27And in the house, he had his own bedroom, his own wardrobe, monogrammed clothes.
24:34And Edgar Bergen's real daughter, Candice, was brought up basically as Charlie McCarthy's brother in a rather freakish and extraordinary
24:41way.
24:41It's amazing she's turned out the same as she is.
24:43Now, you all have, uh, an invention under your benches, and, uh, we'd like to know what they are.
24:50What are we looking at?
24:51Well, it's some kind of measuring device.
24:53Uh.
24:54We've given it to you for a reason.
24:56Oh.
24:56Oh, really?
24:57Yeah, you, a particular quality you have, you might be more likely to guess it than others.
25:01Oh, I see.
25:02Uh, is it a beard measuring device?
25:04No, I wouldn't have called your beard a quality.
25:07I mean, it's a lovely beard, but it's not a quality.
25:10Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
25:10It's a feature.
25:11Hey, you trust a line, Fry.
25:13It's a feature.
25:14Don't test the beard.
25:15It's a lovely, charming, facial feature.
25:17It has a musical connection.
25:19It has a musical connection.
25:20Oh.
25:20Um, if you were a certain kind of instrumentalist, you might be born, as it were, with limitations
25:25that annoy you.
25:26Ah.
25:26Wait a minute.
25:27Is this something which stretches the reach of a pianist?
25:30Yes.
25:30So he can reach a...
25:31Exactly what it is.
25:32Yeah.
25:32Well done.
25:33Well done.
25:34You put it down, that's right, each time you stretch it, because most people might be able
25:40to imagine an octave, you know, one C to C kind of thing.
25:42Right.
25:43And some, as you know, can do C to E.
25:45I can do C to E.
25:46Can you?
25:46That's a wide reach.
25:47It is a wide reach.
25:48I see.
25:49So that's it.
25:49So the hand would go in there.
25:50Yeah.
25:50And then you just undo this thing here.
25:52Yeah.
25:52And that's right.
25:53And stretch, and stretch, and stretch.
25:54And then...
25:55Stretch, and stretch, and stretch.
25:57Like that.
25:58Yeah.
25:59Supposedly would give you...
26:00Ow.
26:01Exactly.
26:01Ow.
26:02So, um, what have you got there, Sean?
26:05It's a bottle, Stephen.
26:07And what do you think it was for?
26:08For putting stuff in.
26:11Okay.
26:11So, um, Max, moving on to you now.
26:15What have you got there?
26:17Is this one nine?
26:18It's a causatory for charling a cafe.
26:22Well, do you know the bizarre thing is you're not far off.
26:24Oh, really?
26:25Yes, if you can unscrew the bottom.
26:27If you unscrew the bottom part.
26:28You'd have to help me, Graham.
26:29With my teeth, you know.
26:32Can you help me?
26:33I can't get a tip.
26:34Maybe Bill will help.
26:35You get one of those with a...
26:36I can't do it, Liam.
26:38Yes, Preparation H.
26:39You get one of the...
26:41Alan's on it.
26:41Wait a minute.
26:41Has this been up for someone's ass?
26:43Yes.
26:43Yeah.
26:47Alan has exactly got it.
26:48You screw...
26:49When you get Preparation H, you screw a plastic one of those on the top.
26:52You insert it in your rectum.
26:54Yep.
26:55And the, er...
26:55Out of the holes.
26:56Charcoal comes out of the holes.
26:58Comes the hemorrhoid treatment.
26:59Exactly right.
27:00For the treatment of hemorrhoids.
27:01Right.
27:02So what happens?
27:02This unscrews.
27:03Yep.
27:04And you pop in the ointment.
27:05You pop the ointment goes in there.
27:06Yep.
27:07Then you screw it up.
27:07Then you put the thing up your body.
27:09Up the old...
27:10Then you screw that.
27:11And as you screw it up, the ointment squirts up reaching all the places it needs to reach.
27:16Oh wow.
27:17That's quite clever.
27:18Because...
27:19Because at least half the people on the planet will be afflicted with hemorrhoids at some point in their lives.
27:23Yeah.
27:24Um...
27:24Do we do something you could, er...
27:26Self-medicate or...
27:28Yes you could do it.
27:28You don't need to.
27:29Oh yeah.
27:30I'll do it.
27:30I'll do it.
27:30I'll do it.
27:30I'll do it.
27:31I'll do it.
27:33I'll do it.
27:52I'll do it.
27:54But C...
27:54Straight ahead.
27:55So are they for an artist or a painter?
27:58No actually they're more, they're more sort of lazy than that.
28:00They're called lying down spectacles.
28:02You'd lie in bed and you put a book on your chest and you'd be able to read...
28:05Oh right.
28:05...like that.
28:06Lying down.
28:07It's rather elegant.
28:08Actually that's exactly what you need when you're sunbathing and you always have to hold the book like that.
28:12Wouldn't that be ideal?
28:14Actually yeah you can do it.
28:15Absolutely perfect.
28:16Yeah it doesn't look weird at all.
28:17It's great.
28:19If you caught the sun on the mirror you'd be instantly blinded.
28:22You'd be blinded.
28:22That would be the problem.
28:23This is a surprisingly clear image isn't it?
28:25And here I have this little device, er...
28:29With a cork on the end and...
28:30Ooh!
28:31And this, it's in the shape almost of a policeman's whistle which is a hint because...
28:34A policeman would carry these around with them.
28:37That's for blowing bubbles.
28:39It does look like it.
28:40Doesn't it?
28:40There would be a liquid in there.
28:41You're absolutely right.
28:42Oh right.
28:43Liquid be a sort of a salts of ammonia.
28:45Salvolaterally.
28:46Oh smelling salts.
28:47Smelling salts.
28:48Exactly.
28:49And these, this was called a policeman's lady reviver.
28:52So...
28:53I need that.
28:54You need a lady reviver.
28:56So when a lady fainted in the street, the policeman would whip it out.
29:00There and just...
29:03Please.
29:04Oh.
29:06And...
29:08He'd whip it out and wave it under...
29:11He'd whip it out and wave it under the lady's nose.
29:14And...
29:14That would wake her up.
29:16Yes.
29:18The sharp smell of ammonia.
29:19Which was what was in the smelling salts.
29:21I see.
29:21And have you, have you come to a more sensible decisionist about what your, your flask is for?
29:25It's got it written on it if you took the trouble to bloody read it.
29:31Hardened star.
29:32Hand grenade.
29:34Yeah.
29:34It's a hand grenade.
29:35It's a kind of hand grenade.
29:37Yes.
29:37It's actually a fire extinguisher hand grenade.
29:40It's a water grenade.
29:40You'd fill it with aqueous solution and you would throw it at a fire.
29:44And that was the idea.
29:45Right.
29:45Yeah.
29:46Well there you are.
29:47Those were our inventions.
29:48Lots of very imaginative ones there.
29:50And they're kindly lent to us by the Morris Collins collection in all beautiful condition.
29:54Thank you for that and thank you for not breaking them.
29:57And how did Edwin Beard Budding's invention affect an army of men with wooden blocks strapped to their feet?
30:04Did he invent duckboards?
30:06No.
30:06But at least you're thinking.
30:08Because...
30:08No.
30:09No.
30:09In a non-patronising way.
30:12Er...
30:12Nobody knows.
30:14He's put up the card backwards.
30:17No.
30:19Cheapskates.
30:19He's put it on one side.
30:21You cheap bastards.
30:23Yeah.
30:24That's right.
30:24It's their fault.
30:27No.
30:28That doesn't count.
30:29I put it out the wrong way.
30:30We do exactly know why.
30:31You do know.
30:31Alright.
30:32There was a profession which employed many, many people.
30:34And in order to fulfil their profession, to practise it, there were blocks on their feet.
30:39But Edwin's invention got rid of the needs of these people all the time.
30:42No.
30:42It's rather weirder than that.
30:44There's a hint for you, darlings.
30:46Oh.
30:46Grass.
30:47Grass.
30:48Yes.
30:49How, if you wanted a lawn in olden days, how would you...
30:53You'd mow...
30:53The roller.
30:54You'd mow it with a roller?
30:56No, the roller.
30:56The roller flattens.
30:58It doesn't cut the grass.
30:59It's scything.
30:59It's scything.
30:59You'd scything.
31:00You'd have armies in grand country houses.
31:02You'd have scythemen.
31:03And they had, like a golf swing, a very precise action.
31:06And so the grass was according to how high they were.
31:10So they'd wear blocks for the higher grass and the shorter blocks for the lower grass.
31:14And that's how they would scythe away.
31:16And this man, Edwin, he invented a little machine for sort of cutting the nap of cloth on soldiers' uniforms.
31:22And he thought, I wonder if that would work on grass.
31:26And he eventually came up with the lawnmower.
31:28And you may say, well, it's a pretty good invention, but actually it altered the world in the most amazing
31:32way.
31:33It allowed football, cricket, all kinds of games to be played, public parks, everybody could suddenly have a lawn.
31:39So, yes.
31:40So he was rather a human benefactor, in a way.
31:42Yes, he was.
31:42And where did he do this?
31:43In Stroud.
31:44In Stroud?
31:44Oh, in Gloucestershire.
31:45Did he celebrate it there?
31:46Edwin Budding, I'm sure he is in Stroud.
31:48Edwin Budding, I hope anyone Stroudian's watching.
31:50Probably up there with Laurie Lee as one of the great Strouders.
31:53Of course.
31:54Yeah.
31:54It's a shame for the men.
31:56It's my idea of heaven.
31:57A lot of men that can't run away from you very quickly.
32:02Because it was a shame for the scythemen, I suppose.
32:06But, yeah, a happy story.
32:08I don't see a downside to that story.
32:10Apart from the fact that there is a British Lawnmower's Museum, which is a bit depressing.
32:13But, erm, the Southport British Lawnmower Museum, if you haven't been in Southport, in Merseyside,
32:20has over 300 exhibits, especially for its Lawnmowers of the Rich and Famous,
32:24where you were able to look, and possibly even touch, Vanessa Feltz's lawnmower.
32:29Not just Vanessa Feltz, Alan Titchmarsh?
32:31Oh, he'd probably have a really nice one.
32:33Yes, I bet he did.
32:33Nicholas Parsons, what sort of lawnmower would Nicholas Parsons have?
32:36Old. Heavily made up.
32:38Heavily made up!
32:40A baker-like one.
32:41Brian May.
32:43Brian May.
32:43Roger McGuff.
32:44Albert Pierpoint.
32:45And Prince Charles and Princess Diana.
32:47I can't believe they had personal lawnmowers.
32:49I don't mow my grass.
32:51What do you do with it?
32:52I threaten it.
32:54Does it work?
32:55Hmm?
32:56Shrink-shrink cow it into submission.
32:58Shrink-shrink cow it into submission.
32:59Don't you grow?
33:00Yeah.
33:01Anyway, the invention of the lawnmower put large numbers of scythe men out to grass, as
33:07you might say.
33:07The inventor of bacon and eggs also coined the phrase torches of freedom.
33:12Who was he?
33:12What were they?
33:13Sorry?
33:14The inventor of bacon and eggs?
33:15It sounds a bit mad, but bacon and eggs as a dish that is a sort of breakfast staple
33:21was invented, as it were, by one man.
33:23He made it popular.
33:24Torches of freedom is a phrase that he came up with, the same man.
33:27His name was Edward Bernays.
33:28He happened to be a nephew of Sigmund Freud.
33:31Oh, well.
33:32So it is a cycle.
33:33It is.
33:35He was employed by a food company.
33:37And American breakfasts in his day were very light.
33:40A roll, orange juice, a cup of coffee, that was it.
33:42He collected 5,000 doctors who basically made testament to the fact that a heavy breakfast
33:48was better for you than a light breakfast.
33:51And he basically persuaded America that they should eat heartily for breakfast and bacon
33:55and eggs became the staple.
33:57And this man is really responsible for what we call public relations.
34:00Two million deaths by heart disease later.
34:02As well.
34:03Not only that.
34:04But he also got women to smoke.
34:06There was a real problem.
34:08There was a real problem.
34:10In the early part of the 20th century, as far as the tobacco companies were concerned,
34:18is that women just didn't smoke.
34:19In fact, in New York City in the 20s, a woman was arrested for smoking outside.
34:24It was considered totally unfeminine.
34:26Photos from the olden days when they clearly said, now, come on, girls.
34:29Well, that's the point.
34:31Everyone's having a drag at exactly the same moment.
34:33This is the point, Alan.
34:34This is a photo opportunity.
34:35He invented it.
34:36This is his PR moment.
34:38His job was to sell cigarettes to women and to sell them to America, the idea that women
34:42should smoke.
34:43So during an Easter parade, he got these women and photographed them all smoking.
34:48And it was a scandal.
34:49It was on the front page everywhere.
34:50But what he said was, he said, this is feminism.
34:53This was during the suffrage movement in America, trying to get women to vote.
34:56And he said, this is an act of independence.
34:58These cigarettes are not cigarettes.
34:59They are torches of freedom.
35:01Torches of freedom.
35:02That's right.
35:03And so, the idea that women smoking became a proof of their independence and a proof,
35:08as it were, of their feminism.
35:10She's set back to her face, the one on this.
35:12She has, right.
35:13She has, right.
35:14Well, they got the hang of it.
35:15Not.
35:16They're very used to the smoking, as they say it wasn't.
35:18So, he was a pretty cunning devil, this Edward Bernays.
35:21Right, well, that's enough imaginative invention.
35:23Let's now turn our attention to the very real, but entirely impractical business of general ignorance.
35:28So, fingers on buzzers, those that are still working.
35:30Who invented the internet?
35:34Now.
35:34Now.
35:36Yes.
35:37Tim Berners...
35:39Yes.
35:40Oh.
35:41Fortunately, I couldn't remember the name.
35:43Oh, that's lucky you couldn't remember his name.
35:45Oh.
35:46Not Tim Berners-Lee.
35:47I think I'm safe for this answer.
35:48Yeah.
35:49Parsley the Lion.
35:53It's wrong, but there's no forfeit.
35:55But on this very program, you were telling the story of how Tim Berners-Lee invented the internet.
36:00Of how he invented the World Wide Web.
36:02Oh.
36:02Which is months later than the internet.
36:04That's not the internet.
36:04The internet has already been around for 20 years before that.
36:07It's just like one of the things that you can use on the internet.
36:10Yes.
36:10It was actually in the 1960s.
36:12Oh.
36:131960s.
36:14Early 60s.
36:15One of the Beatles.
36:16No.
36:17Looks like that's not quite how things worked.
36:20ARPANET was the original internet.
36:22It was an offshoot of the American Defence program.
36:25And the first communication took place in California.
36:28And when was that?
36:30In 1969.
36:31Two computers.
36:32And they were 400 miles apart, one in LA and one at the Stanford Research Institute.
36:36And the first message was LO.
36:38Oh.
36:40And it wasn't going to say LOL.
36:42No.
36:43It did get cut off though.
36:44It was going to say LOG IN, but it crashed after the L and the O.
36:47But it was a first worthy attempt.
36:49Do you use the computer, Gran?
36:51Yes.
36:52I use it for dating.
36:54Oh, yes I do, yes.
36:56I've met a racing driver and he thinks I'm a 20 year old lap dancer.
37:06He's in for a shock, isn't he?
37:14According to Berners-Lee, who did invent the World Wide Web, the true fathers of the internet,
37:17he says, are Vint Cerf and Bob Kahn, who invented the internet protocol.
37:21So there you are.
37:22Now, how did dinosaurs have sex?
37:28You're right.
37:29We're right, Alan.
37:31We just don't know.
37:34You're good at that.
37:37There are no extant genitals.
37:41No, there aren't soft tissues.
37:42Well, they wouldn't necessarily be soft, but the soft tissues are the bits that don't
37:47survive in fossils, of course.
37:48It's only in the last 15 years they've been able to sex a dinosaur fossil.
37:52The female dinosaurs have a special sort of cavity for making extra calcium for eggs,
37:57and that's how you can tell from a fossil whether it's a female or a male one.
38:01But obviously that would be wrong, because that would be inter-species dinosaur sex,
38:05the weirdest kind, and would be...
38:07No, that wouldn't be wrong.
38:08I think he's just looking for a cheap thrill.
38:11I don't mean that's about procreation at all, that meeting.
38:15No, that one isn't.
38:16That's like a dinosaur S&M dungeon, isn't it?
38:18Yes.
38:19The best guess is that like most birds and reptiles, dinosaurs had a cloacal sack.
38:25A sort of single opening for both waste and reproduction.
38:28It's not a sack so much as an opening.
38:30Like sharks.
38:30Like sharks, exactly.
38:31And they were mated by a cloacal kiss.
38:34And there we are.
38:35What are the right conditions for dry rot?
38:38Well, it's damp.
38:40Yes.
38:41That's the point.
38:41It's a trick question, dear.
38:43It's a trick question, dear.
38:44It's a trick question.
38:45Yes.
38:45Have you ever had dry rot?
38:47Only on my face.
38:48Oh, right.
38:49Lovely.
38:50The latex.
38:51That's lovely news.
38:52Dry rot needs to be damp.
38:54Yep.
38:54What about rising damp?
38:55The weird thing about rising damp, the really surprising thing about rising damp,
38:59can you tell me what that is?
39:00Right.
39:01It's not damp.
39:02It goes down.
39:03Even more extraordinary than that.
39:05According to many, many people in the architectural surveying and building world, it doesn't exist.
39:13It's madey-uppy.
39:15It's mould.
39:15It's just mould.
39:16Well, yeah.
39:16It's basically normal damp, which has come from a source like a leak or something.
39:21And this idea that there's rising damp, you need to put it in a damp course.
39:24There are many people who genuinely say it honestly doesn't exist, and yet it's in the building regulations.
39:29The former chairman of the Royal Institute of Chancellor's Surveyor said it was a myth,
39:33rising damp.
39:33A building expert, written a book on the rising damp myth, says that rising damp is only possible
39:37in swamps.
39:38There's a diagnosis that it only became common in the 60s.
39:41Although, I tell you when you do see it, I've seen girls in London wearing flared jeans
39:46going over their shoes.
39:48Yes.
39:48And on a rainy day, they get down almost up to their knees.
39:52It's not to say that capillary action doesn't exist.
39:56It does.
39:57It does.
39:57The rising damp only exists in ladies' jeans.
39:59Yes.
39:59It may be the only place.
40:01But it's a heck of a controversial thought.
40:03But a myth.
40:04Name a disease spread by feral pigeons.
40:07Erm.
40:09Crumb hair.
40:11There aren't any.
40:12Exactly.
40:13Viles disease.
40:13There's nothing wrong with them.
40:14There's nothing wrong with them.
40:15Again, it's the answer.
40:16You're doing awfully well.
40:17I'm doing very well.
40:18Fire, you are on fire tonight.
40:19Yeah.
40:20Basically, this idea that they are disease infested and disease spreading vermin is nonsense,
40:27according to all experts on pigeons.
40:30But this whole thing of them as being rats with wings is considered very unfair by those
40:33in the know that they don't really spread that much disease.
40:36Though they do obviously leave a fair amount of poo, but then so do humans.
40:40Don't we?
40:41We've just got a better way of dealing with it.
40:42I don't.
40:43I tend not to leave it on people's shoulders.
40:47That's the difference.
40:49I mean, I wouldn't say I was well brought up.
40:53There was a few benchmarks we tried to set early on in my toilet training.
40:58That was one of them.
40:59That was one of them.
41:00Never on the shoulder.
41:01They had a big no to it.
41:02No.
41:03I was in my bedroom on the door.
41:05And there's a picture of a man with a turnover shoulder.
41:08He said, no, Sean.
41:11You've learnt your lesson.
41:13We're all very tidy pooers, I'm sure, here in this room, including Granny.
41:17Are you very tidy pooers?
41:18Not at all.
41:18Don't even do them, dear.
41:20Don't eat.
41:21Don't excrete.
41:22Perfect.
41:23That's the secret of a long and happy life.
41:25And that's your lot.
41:27Time to invent the scores.
41:29Oh, my goodness me.
41:30Very exciting.
41:31Very exciting indeed.
41:32I'm afraid, despite some remarkable performances, in last place with minus three, it's Bill Bailey.
41:42Right.
41:46And in a very creditable fourth place with one point, Alan Davis.
41:52In the class.
41:55Third place with three, Sean Locke.
42:02In the second place with four is Graham.
42:06Oh!
42:08Yay!
42:08Yay!
42:09Yay!
42:11Yay!
42:13Yay!
42:13And on the next five is Nina Conti.
42:21My thanks to Bill, Nina Grant, Sean and Alan.
42:24And I leave you with this from Sid Caesar.
42:26The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
42:29The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
42:32Good night.
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