- 8 hours ago
First broadcast 24th December 2009.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
David Tennant
Lee Mack
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
David Tennant
Lee Mack
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01What's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up.
00:09It's the office Christmas party at QI and we're ready to get down with a G for Groovy show.
00:16So let's hang loose, boogie-woogie, and put a donk on some awesome anecdotes and funky facts with tonight's guests.
00:23The well-wicked Lee Mack.
00:28The well-safe Bill Braley.
00:33The well-cooled David Tennant.
00:40And the well-I-never, it's Alan Davis.
00:50Now, we were slightly afraid that you may not have heard enough Christmas songs in the shops this week, so
00:57Lee goes.
00:58It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
01:03Oh, Bill goes.
01:05So here it is. Merry Christmas.
01:09David goes.
01:11Last Christmas.
01:13And Alan goes.
01:22Excellent. Well, later on, we're going to put the photocopying machine to some really imaginative use.
01:28But first, a bit of bad news.
01:29As it's panto season, we had hoped to bring you Buttercup, the QI cow, but I'm afraid she's gone missing.
01:35If you see her, you will let me know, won't you, boys and girls?
01:39She lies.
01:41Is she?
01:43No, we are the size!
01:46Ah!
01:47Boys and girls, I wish you'd warned me earlier.
01:50Hello, Buttercup.
01:52Great to see you.
01:52What I'd like you to do is to do a demonstration for the boys and girls.
01:56Can you do that?
01:57Would you like to go around the front and do?
01:58Now, what Buttercup is going to do...
02:03Buttercup does impressions, right?
02:05Right.
02:05And Buttercup is going to do an impression, and you have to try and guess what she's doing an impression
02:10of.
02:10Off you go, Buttercup, darling.
02:22Oh!
02:25Oh!
02:26Oh!
02:27Oh!
02:27Oh!
02:27Oh, they're stamping their tiny hit.
02:29There we go.
02:30And...
02:30Is it Sally?
02:31Is it the way of walking?
02:32Ah, brilliant, Alan.
02:33Yes.
02:33Is it the legs not being in no position or something like that?
02:36Yes, because cows don't normally walk like that, so she's doing an impression of a freak.
02:41A cow with an in-ear problem.
02:46Or an animal that does walk in that way. Left, right, left, right.
02:49Oh, a weasel.
02:52Lovely idea, but not a weasel. There are a couple, actually.
02:55Rhino. A tapir.
02:58The other one, you're in Africa, you're on safari.
03:01Dormouse.
03:01Dormouse.
03:02Dormouse.
03:04Dormouse is the right idea.
03:06That was Buttercup. Yes, Buttercup's very proud of herself.
03:08That was a very fine, it was a very fine imitation of a giraffe.
03:13Because giraffes and camels, in fact, do that left, right walk.
03:17But cows, like horses, would you like to do how you normally walk, Buttercup?
03:23You see?
03:24What?
03:24Is that a cow creeping up on someone?
03:35Ladies and gentlemen, a big thank you to Buttercup!
03:38Yay!
03:45Never...
03:48Never, ever, in the history of show business,
03:50has the phrase, don't milk it, love, been more appropriate.
03:54But you're right. I mean, you've got to have points, Alan,
03:56because the whole question was about the gait of four-legged animals.
03:59And do you know when it was decided, for example, there's how a giraffe actually walks.
04:04That's how...
04:05Yeah.
04:05But who was it, do you know, for extra points, extra Christmas bonuses available,
04:09if you can tell me who the man was who was responsible for basically demonstrating to the world
04:14how horses, for example, ran, progressed.
04:17Is it something to do with cinema, moving images?
04:20A French cinematographer or something?
04:22Oh, yeah.
04:22He was not French, no.
04:23No.
04:24His name was Edward Muybridge.
04:26Oh.
04:27Yep.
04:27Eh?
04:29No, he's quite well-known, and I bet lots of people in the audience,
04:31you knew, didn't you, ladies and gentlemen?
04:33Yes!
04:34Yes.
04:35And these are some of his...
04:37Lying...
04:37...some of his pictures.
04:39So...
04:39His book was Animal Locomotion, and he demonstrates the difference
04:42between walking, galloping, cantering, and trotting in horses.
04:46He not only did horses, he's best known for how horses galloped,
04:49he also did humans, and he was no stranger to controversy.
04:52He murdered his love rival in cold blood.
04:55Yeah.
04:56Did he take photos of that as well?
04:57He might have done, because he was the first person
05:01in American legal forensic history as a murderer
05:05to claim what excuse?
05:08Insanity.
05:09Yes!
05:09Points for David Tennant.
05:11Absolutely.
05:12Well done.
05:12Well done.
05:13Well done.
05:16Anyway, the point is, our lovely buttercup, the QI cow,
05:19was giving us her giraffe impression, and speaking of giraffes,
05:23what use is a giraffe bicycle?
05:30Lee.
05:31Sorry, I was thinking of the hedgehog skateboard.
05:34Sorry.
05:35Different thing, isn't it?
05:36Any thoughts?
05:37I'd like to point out that on the day I went giraffe riding,
05:40we didn't actually put pram wheels on the giraffe.
05:42No.
05:43Third point, you don't want...
05:44That's not being added in.
05:45You don't want letters.
05:46You mean a giraffe that's been fashioned into a bicycle,
05:49as opposed to a bicycle for a giraffe?
05:52A bicycle with a long neck.
05:53We've been seasonally silly, and Alan is right.
05:55It is, in fact, a big bicycle.
05:56And it was called a giraffe bicycle.
05:58It was its official name and a little badge on it
06:00saying the giraffe bicycle.
06:01And it had a specific function.
06:03But you may know that all bicycles at the beginning
06:05were very big.
06:06I mean, there it is.
06:07There is the giraffe bicycle.
06:09And there is its flag.
06:10That looks lethal.
06:11Well, that was when you get to the traffic lights.
06:12And there weren't traffic lights there.
06:13No, no, of course.
06:15Delivering papers to giant mailboxes.
06:18You're thinking that's good.
06:19Okay, thank you.
06:21For lighting lamps.
06:23Yes, David Tennant.
06:24More points.
06:27This is all the time travel he does.
06:29He knows something about every era.
06:31Yeah.
06:32He's acting.
06:34So...
06:35It's not real.
06:36What?
06:36What do you mean?
06:37Don't listen to me.
06:38What do you mean?
06:38I'm sorry.
06:39Have I upset you?
06:39Someone tell me.
06:40Don't listen to the bad man.
06:42Don't listen to the bad man.
06:43It's a documentary.
06:44I know.
06:44Yes, exactly.
06:47I saw one in the corridor upstairs looking for him.
06:52It's a tenant.
06:54Can I just ask a question about that?
06:56Yeah.
06:56If they offer lighting lamps, you must have to do it on the move.
07:00You must go, whoa.
07:01Otherwise you'll be all over when you stop.
07:02You get to the lamp.
07:03You lean against the lamp.
07:04You've got a torch.
07:05You've got an assistant.
07:06And you raise your lit torch to lit.
07:08It's gas lamps we're talking about, obviously.
07:10All right.
07:10Yeah.
07:11And then when you get home or back to the depot, your assistant dismantles you.
07:14What if you're leaning on the lamp?
07:18We've got a very Christmassy audience.
07:20Oh-ho.
07:21If you were leaning on the lamp post and a book-toothed man with a ukulele walked past,
07:24would there be anything that you saw in the lamp post?
07:26Just lean down and set light to him.
07:29Oh, Mr. Wu.
07:30Ow!
07:32Burning pair!
07:33But if you got a lick-up, you could use the post to swing around.
07:36You could do like a figure of eight between them all.
07:38Yeah.
07:38That would be brilliant.
07:39And you've got a TV show, basically.
07:41Giraffe biking on ice.
07:43Celebrity.
07:43Yeah, celebrity giraffe biking.
07:44Celebrity giraffe biking on ice.
07:46Celebrity giraffe biking on ice.
07:46So, the thing is, early bicycles were all very tall.
07:49What was the first...?
07:50Well, you know, the classic sort of bicycle.
07:52Penny farthing.
07:53Penny farthing.
07:53And that was actually known as an ordinary bicycle.
07:55This looks lethal.
07:56It does, doesn't it?
07:58But, amazingly, the first bicycle, which is the kind we would know, i.e. with a chain
08:03that drove the back wheel from pedals, was known as a dwarf safety.
08:08And that was considered a really tiny bike.
08:10So, it just shows, most bicycles, for a long time, were like this.
08:13I always wonder, how did they get on those things?
08:15I guess it was a leany thing, like horses.
08:18I guess they're used to...
08:18I don't have a first-floor window.
08:21Get down onto it.
08:22Yeah.
08:23There were novelty big bicycles.
08:25And the Clark brothers built floodbikes, which were to go above floodwaters, so that you
08:30could get around...
08:30See, now that's what I thought that other one was.
08:32Yes, that would have been a good guess.
08:33I thought that was going to be...
08:34Well, higher than the penny farthing.
08:36I guess it was, yeah.
08:37How flooded did it used to go?
08:38High than the penny farthing, you say?
08:41Then, of course, there was the cross-channel bike, which was a quarter of a mile up into the sky.
08:48But there are people on tall bikes, to this day, who re-enact sort of tourneys, you know, like jousting,
08:55with lances on bikes.
08:56That really does look dangerous.
08:57Yeah, highly.
08:58We used to, at school, we used to do what we call quad hockey, which is like a polo, only
09:02on bikes.
09:03You use a hockey stick and a ball, and you just go round on...
09:07On quad bikes?
09:07No, not on quad bikes.
09:09No.
09:09It was in a quad.
09:10In a quadrangle.
09:11In a quadrangle?
09:11Yeah.
09:12And you were playing hockey in a quadrangle.
09:13But, yeah, like...
09:14You had a very different sort of schooling.
09:17Why?
09:18Well, how is that different?
09:19Well, at my school, we used to set fire to cars.
09:21Yeah.
09:22We were...
09:23In a novel pit.
09:24With a dead bag.
09:25We just paid Quidditch.
09:27No!
09:29There you are.
09:30It's all right, I suppose.
09:31Yep.
09:31Fine.
09:32Giraffe bicycles were a boon to the weary lamplighter.
09:35How do you react, team, to queue barges?
09:40Oh, very unfavorably.
09:42Very badly.
09:43Very unfavorably.
09:44Very unfavorably.
09:45Very...
09:45Yes.
09:46It goes against the very bedrock of Western society.
09:49Also, the late mergers.
09:51You know, in lanes.
09:52Oh, yeah.
09:53In the motorway, and there's a coned-off lane, and you think,
09:56well, I'd better conscientiously merge now.
09:59And somebody will go right the way down the end of the...
10:01Yes, I do.
10:02I got worse than that.
10:03You!
10:03You do that!
10:06Curse you, Link Merger Davis.
10:08To be fair though, Alan is a part-time ambulance driver.
10:11Do you know, ironically, in America, in some states,
10:13they have, when two lanes have to merge like that,
10:15they go, like a zip, exclamation mark,
10:18because that's...
10:19Oh, you merge.
10:19...1-1-1-1-1.
10:20It's rather brilliant, that, isn't it?
10:22I hate the late mergers and the bar queue.
10:24That's worse.
10:25When you're six deep at a bar, they just get on the edge.
10:27Oh, I hate the bar.
10:28Especially football.
10:29When you're at the bar, and there's someone at the back
10:30who taps the bloke next to you and says,
10:32get us a couple of pints, will you?
10:34Oh, or when you're at the bar and someone leans forward with money
10:38and they get served first just because they're on television.
10:40Yeah.
10:43Mr Fry, go away, Scott.
10:46Make way, make way.
10:48No!
10:50Lord Fry.
10:51No!
10:52Yes.
10:52Come for a port.
10:54On his bicycle, with his hockey stick.
10:56Make way!
10:57Make way, I say.
10:58There's a special bottle here, Mr Fry.
11:00Oh, I shouldn't have spoken.
11:03Clear that table, get up, get out.
11:09Can anyone here sing the Lord's Prayer in Latin?
11:13No?
11:13Well, out!
11:13All of you!
11:14All of you!
11:15Oh, that man on the phone.
11:16Cater Nostra, qui aesing, kiles sanctificatum,
11:19I won't yet know anyone.
11:21If so happens, I do know that.
11:22There you go, you see.
11:23I don't know why.
11:24But queue jumping, queue jumping, queue jumping.
11:26It is despicable, and you would think most people reacted very badly
11:29if someone were to walk in and just simply barge in front of a queue.
11:33Yes.
11:33But do you know the name?
11:35You're probably familiar with the experiments done by a behavioural psychologist
11:39in which members of the public were given white coats and asked to inflict pain.
11:45Stanley Milgram is the one best known for it.
11:47He asked people to do things that were against what they considered to be right,
11:52and yet because they were told to do it.
11:54And the person doing it had apparent authority, had a white coat.
11:57But the less well-known experiments he did were in queues, or lines, as he would say,
12:02as an American.
12:03129 different times he tried in betting shops, railway stations, elsewhere.
12:07Betting shops you'd think were people who would not be afraid to show their opinion
12:10if someone barged in.
12:12And what the experimenters had to do was one enter the queue between the third and fourth person in line,
12:17say in a neutral tone, excuse me, I'd like to get in here,
12:21step into the queue, face forward, and only leave the queue when someone admonished them,
12:25or after one minute, whichever was sooner.
12:27And on only 10% of occasions was the queue jumper forced to leave the line
12:32because they were admonished.
12:33And in only 50% did anyone so much as tut.
12:37It's extraordinary.
12:38Where was this though?
12:39This was in America.
12:40In America.
12:40Not in Tunbridge, no.
12:41Not in Tunbridge.
12:44No.
12:45Not in Peckham.
12:46No.
12:46Very, very high tut ratio.
12:48I'll tell you what annoys me.
12:50Yeah.
12:50If it's five items or fewer, then it's five items or fewer.
12:54Don't come in with six.
12:55Yeah.
12:56And stand in front of me.
12:57Don't.
12:57Yeah, but that's confusing.
12:58You count them in the bag.
12:58You look in their baskets.
12:59Yeah, you bet I do.
13:00Yeah.
13:00And then say absolutely nothing about it.
13:02Yes.
13:03So what if it's three for two?
13:05That's three.
13:06I'll give you one of those items off.
13:08So you'll give me two?
13:09I'll give you two for those three.
13:12But if there's not a special offer on, and I'm checking.
13:16You're Scottish.
13:16I know you're checking for those special offers.
13:18Awww.
13:19Careful.
13:20That was low.
13:21Go on, take him.
13:22That was low.
13:23Yeah, exactly.
13:23Get this sonic thing out.
13:26What, hey John?
13:27In the First World War.
13:28Is that it?
13:30I don't remember him being a buyer out of W.A. Smith.
13:33It's not working.
13:34Help.
13:34In the First World War, they toured, they toured a tank.
13:39Around Britain.
13:46Yeah.
13:52And it went to all the major city centres in the country.
13:56And people were encouraged for, you know, to raise money for the war, to chuck any spare
13:59change they had into the tank.
14:00Yeah.
14:01Where did they get most money?
14:03Glasgow.
14:04Oh.
14:05Yeah, because they thought it was a big fruit machine.
14:07Oh.
14:09Oh.
14:10He's bad.
14:10No, that's...
14:11He's bad.
14:13Look!
14:14I've won a soldier, Mummy!
14:15I've won a soldier!
14:16I thought it was a...
14:17Oh, he's gone again!
14:18He's gone again!
14:19One-armed bandit!
14:20Rizzing!
14:22I cannae do this!
14:24I cannae...
14:24You'll win a prize!
14:26I can do it!
14:28There's a wee chain around it!
14:30Oh dear, oh dear!
14:30Is that a Scottish accent by that?
14:32Well, there we are.
14:33Well, that was a Scottish accent!
14:34Yes, it was!
14:36Really!
14:37So, the fact is, we're more tolerant of queue jumpers than they deserve, it seems.
14:40Now, until 2008, it was legal to smoke, what I'm talking about, in Dutch coffee shops.
14:47But now they've changed the law.
14:49So, what is it?
14:50Yes.
14:51Tobacco.
14:52He's clever.
14:53He's right.
14:55You...
14:55We thought you might say cannabis, but you're too smart.
14:57No, they don't mind you smoking that.
15:00Did you carry it?
15:01Yeah.
15:02I went to Amsterdam when I was 19 years old, and I don't do drugs, and I'd never done drugs,
15:07and I sat in this cafe, and everyone was smoking, and genuinely, I said, no, I'm not going
15:13to touch that, I'll just have a piece of cake.
15:17And I ate this cake, and then someone said, you know what's in that?
15:19It's a hash brownie.
15:20But I thought, yeah, but I thought that was the same way as you have, like, brandy and trifle
15:23or something.
15:24I thought, it's not going to get you drunk, it's just a little jokey thing they say.
15:27So I had one, I said it had no effect, I'll have another one.
15:30So I ate another one, and then, at 2 o'clock in the morning, I accused the taxi driver
15:34of trying to kill me.
15:36No, you're right.
15:37The point is, it leads to rather bizarre situations.
15:40If you mixed your cannabis with tobacco in a coffee shop, you would be fined.
15:46That's what they used to sell.
15:47So you can only have pure...
15:48It's only mixed or not.
15:49Not since July 2008.
15:52Now you have to smoke your cannabis as pure cannabis in grass or hashish form, I suppose.
15:56So you can't get passive smoking from pure...
15:58No, it's fantastically carcinogenic.
16:00It's much more carcinogenic than tobacco, isn't it?
16:02Is it?
16:03Yeah.
16:03Oh, dear.
16:04It's seven times more or something.
16:05Oh, sure.
16:06It's really...
16:06So here...
16:09Well...
16:10Three joints, that's 20 fags.
16:11Oh, my goodness.
16:12But in the street, if you were to smoke, you could smoke tobacco in the street, but if
16:16you were to mix it with cannabis, you'd be breaking the law by doing that.
16:19So it's a very complicated system.
16:21You don't know whether to go indoors or out.
16:23Magic mushrooms.
16:24Magic mushrooms.
16:25Or a version of magic mushrooms, since you're talking about drugs, the fly agaric.
16:29Oh, yes.
16:30Which is that sort of...
16:31Toasty.
16:31Like the mushroom you get in a fairy tale.
16:33Toasty.
16:33Like a big tree toasty.
16:34It's sort of red with white spots on it.
16:36The fly agaric in Siberia was eaten by the reindeer.
16:40And so the reindeer would eat the fly agaric and they'd bounce around.
16:44Off their face.
16:45And that is where they reckon the legend of flying reindeer came from.
16:49Oh.
16:49That's a Christmas Eve story.
16:52Thank you, David.
16:53Oh, drug-addled reindeer.
16:56And then, because it's highly toxic to humans, so they would collect the reindeer urine and
17:02drink it and get a secondary buzz.
17:06It hit.
17:06Oh, that's good.
17:07And then, you could drink the wee of the man who had drunk it.
17:12Just a mile ago.
17:13It's a nice feeling.
17:15Yeah, yeah.
17:15Eventually, it would come down to a tiny little, just a cube.
17:18A cube, wouldn't it?
17:19And then we'd pop it in your drink.
17:20And it'd be like a little sort of pro-plus.
17:24Fabulous.
17:25We're actually going to move on to various forms of narcotic in a moment,
17:28but I'm just going to finish off the smoking business.
17:31All right.
17:33Now, tell me when smoking bans were first introduced into Europe.
17:37Christmas.
17:38Yes.
17:40Three years ago?
17:41Four years ago?
17:42No, it's earlier than that.
17:43Five years ago.
17:44Much earlier.
17:44You're thinking...
17:45I'm not an idiot.
17:45Ten years ago.
17:46What the hell?
17:47Fifteen years ago.
17:49Try 79 years ago.
17:51Almost...
17:51I've got an idea.
17:5276, aren't you?
17:5279 years ago.
17:55Almost 79 years ago, yeah.
17:56You're the one that said it!
17:58No.
17:58You've got to say that.
17:59Try 79 years ago.
18:0079 years ago.
18:00No, almost 79 years ago.
18:02I mean, that's the first time on the show.
18:04Cut me some slack.
18:04Ah, but if you rewind, you'll find I then corrected myself and said,
18:07no, I should make it 76 years ago.
18:08But that's all right.
18:10If only I could rewind?
18:12Yes.
18:1276 years ago.
18:13Well done, Alan.
18:14Very good.
18:16I hate this game.
18:17Cut.
18:18Who's experienced?
18:19It was the Nazis.
18:21It was the Nazis.
18:21The Nazis banned smoking?
18:23The Nazis.
18:23Yeah, they had very strong anti-smoking.
18:25The more I hear about them, the less I know.
18:28Well, that's the final straw.
18:31Yeah.
18:31Up until this point, I've been prepared to...
18:34Oh, I could rationalise everything else.
18:36Yeah.
18:37Wrong way.
18:37Bans on smoking in public places, smoking advertising, restrictions on tobacco rations for women, and linking tobacco use with lung
18:44cancer.
18:45Hitler called tobacco the wrath of the Red Indian man against the white man for having been given hard liquor.
18:51He even suggested that Nazism might never have worked if he hadn't given up smoking.
18:56Is that crazy?
18:57It's true, though, isn't it?
18:58Because if you're doing that, you've got a fag in your hand.
18:59It's got less impact, doesn't it?
19:01You've got to put a fag in your mouth.
19:03Yeah.
19:04Maybe that's how that started.
19:05He didn't like to smoke.
19:07Yeah.
19:08Whoa!
19:09The first smoking ban we could find, 1640, Psalm Michael of Russia declared smoking a deadly sin.
19:15Smokers were flogged, had their lips slit.
19:18Ooh!
19:19That's strong.
19:20Whoa!
19:21Your lips slit.
19:22Like when you lick an envelope.
19:27Oh, what about in Jackass when they did paper cuts between the toes?
19:30Oh!
19:30Oh!
19:32I was kneeling on my seat in the cinema, facing the other way, going, tell me when it stopped!
19:38Oh!
19:40Sorry, do you go to see Jackass at the cinema?
19:42That's commitment.
19:43I don't mind watching it later at night when I'm coming from the pub.
19:46I wouldn't go to the cinema.
19:47There was a movie.
19:47Jackass the movie is the funniest film ever made.
19:50I prefer Jackass the novel.
19:54Jackass the ballet.
19:57Yes.
19:58Oh, did you do that?
19:59Oh, very amusing.
20:00I jumped in a trolley, I believe.
20:05But it was James the first of England and sixth of Scotland who was the first real anti-smoking tyrant.
20:12He wrote a pamphlet called a counterblast to tobacco, which he damned it and damned it and double-damned it.
20:17Well, he wasn't wrong.
20:18Fair enough.
20:18Yep, for being injurious to the eyes and the lungs and the nose and everything.
20:22He kind of spotted that it wasn't a good thing to do.
20:23I don't want to pick you up and be some unspancy, but you can't damn it and damn it and
20:27double-dammit, can you?
20:28You can damn it and damn it and triple-dammit.
20:30Yeah.
20:30Sorry.
20:31That was his mistake, obviously.
20:43Oh, no.
20:45The smoking bang in the Netherlands means you can smoke cannabis but not tobacco in a coffee shop and tobacco
20:49but not cannabis on the streets.
20:51So you can't smoke tobacco in Dutch coffee shops, or libraries come to that matter.
20:56But do you get a kick out of book sniffing?
21:00Book sniffing?
21:01Yeah.
21:02Why would you sniff a book?
21:03Is it a form of glue sniffing? Is it the adhesive?
21:06It's not the adhesive.
21:07It's, when a book ages enough, what would form around it?
21:12Mildew and mould and general fungal matter.
21:15But mushrooms are great on books.
21:17Yeah, one of the, well, fungus, yeah.
21:18One of the fungi that grows is a hallucinogenic fungus.
21:21Ah.
21:22And it seems it maybe has been responsible for affecting quite a lot of scholars and antiquarians.
21:28One of the leading mycologists of Europe, he's actually said,
21:31the source of inspiration for many great literary figures may be nothing more than a quick sniff of the bouquet
21:37of mouldy books.
21:38Who's buying books that look like that?
21:40Well, but they've been libraries.
21:42All books are rotting.
21:43They rot faster and faster.
21:45There's a real problem with books because the paper breaks down into an acid which makes them rot even faster.
21:51Hmm.
21:51So you have to get quite close to it.
21:53You get quite close.
21:54You have to do it for quite a long time.
21:55Yeah.
21:55It's a rather unusual way for it.
22:02I can't help do that.
22:03You know when you get, if I go to the dentist, right, and there's a magazine from like three years
22:06ago.
22:06Yeah.
22:07And I'm having a look through and they've got one of those aftershave things.
22:10Oh, yeah, a little scratchy thing.
22:11I can't help, I always have a little.
22:12Yeah.
22:13And I always think because if it smells after three years, it must be a good one.
22:17Because I always have a problem that aftershave stops smelling after about three or four hours.
22:21So I think if it's survived three years, I'll buy it.
22:23Yeah.
22:23Yeah, you can't buy class, can you?
22:25No.
22:25No.
22:26Well, the fact is it would take a long time to get truly high on one of them.
22:30But it is a real fungus and it is truly hallucinogenic.
22:34Oh.
22:34Like the one you mentioned, shrooms.
22:36What is the proper name for shrooms?
22:38The magic mushrooms.
22:39Oh.
22:40The hallucinogenic ones.
22:41You've mentioned flyer garrings.
22:42Which is like that.
22:43Yeah.
22:44But the magic mushroom, psilocybin.
22:46Oh, psilocybin.
22:48Oh, psilocybin.
22:49Interesting experiments have been done with magic mushrooms, encouraging some to believe that religious
22:53experiences, all told, are based on some sort of hallucinogenic experience.
22:58It's an interesting thought.
23:00Yeah.
23:00Is there some sort of theory in America that there's a kind of a religiosity, there's a kind
23:04of a God spot in the brain.
23:06Yes.
23:07Yes.
23:07Some people have kind of.
23:08There's some part of the brain which actually induces some sort of spiritual.
23:12Which may be accessed by things like magic mushrooms.
23:15And do you know who it was who rediscovered the magic mushroom?
23:17Albert Hoffman is now.
23:19Albert Hoffman, yes.
23:19And he was the first person to take out, to formalise acid.
23:23Acid.
23:24LSD.
23:25LSD.
23:26That was his even more famous thing.
23:28And do you know where he got LSD from, as it were?
23:30Do you know where?
23:30It was a byproduct of something, wasn't it?
23:33Yeah.
23:34Marmite.
23:35Yeah.
23:35Yeah.
23:36Oddly, oddly not that far off.
23:38Pegemite.
23:39Well, no.
23:40I mean, a little further than that.
23:42Yeah.
23:42But a kind of bread.
23:43Bread would have a mould which would cause...
23:46Yeast of a bat.
23:48It was called ergot.
23:49Ergot, yes.
23:50You've heard of that?
23:51Yes.
23:51It grows on wheat.
23:53And rye.
23:54And rye, yeah.
23:54Rye in particular.
23:55And ergot has lysergic acid in it.
23:57And it was while looking at this that Hoffman basically absorbed some into his skin without
24:02knowing it and had these extraordinary hallucinations.
24:05Yes.
24:05And so he thought, three days later, he took what he thought was a tiny dose, having basically
24:10synthesised the lysergic acid of diethylamide, and it proved to be a thousand times more potent
24:14than he expected.
24:15And he had a terrible trip.
24:16And he wrote, a demon had invaded me.
24:19It had taken possession of my body, mind, and soul.
24:21I jumped up and screamed, trying to free myself from him.
24:24Sank down again, helpless on the sofa.
24:25The substance which I had wanted to experiment upon that had vanquished me.
24:29I was seized by the dreadful fear of going insane.
24:32But wasn't it the fact that he actually, er, he was funded by the CIA?
24:36Because the CIA got wind of it.
24:38And thought it was it?
24:39And they thought it was some sort of drug that could enhance, perform, sort of, you
24:42know.
24:42Or truth drug, I think.
24:43Or truth drug.
24:44It was known as Project MK Ultra.
24:46That's it, yeah.
24:47And basically, they were responsible for sort of the psychedelic move.
24:50So the CIA, basically, eventually led to Jimi Hendrix.
24:55Er...
24:55Yes, essentially.
24:56Yeah.
24:57Thank God for the CIA.
24:58Yeah, in the end.
24:59Without them we wouldn't have had the purple haze.
25:00No, exactly.
25:01Anyway, old books give off a mixture of inert gases and a hallucinogenic fungus spores.
25:06A combination, much beloved, of book sniffers.
25:09Now, who is the coolest, grooviest, hippiest cat on the show tonight?
25:13David Tennant, I thought.
25:15Yeah.
25:16I'm going for Bellman.
25:17Yeah.
25:17Could be.
25:18What do we know about these words?
25:20They're jazz words.
25:21Ah, many of them are jazz words.
25:23And how old are they?
25:25Er...
25:25Since the 20s, 30s?
25:27Early...
25:2740s?
25:28No, no.
25:29Earlier.
25:29Stone Age.
25:30Stone Age.
25:32Let's take the word cool.
25:34When did it first mean, like, fashionable, do you think?
25:3760s beatnik poet era.
25:39Hitler.
25:40Hitler.
25:40Hard enough, it was the year Hitler came to power.
25:441933.
25:45But I don't think that's quite relevant.
25:47These new uniforms are cool.
25:491933.
25:54So this is Christmas.
25:57I'm joining the Nazi party.
25:59Very cool, daddy-o.
26:00Cool, daddy-o.
26:02Bizarrely, it was 1933.
26:04Besides, I have no choice.
26:05Yeah.
26:08I burned out a rice tag.
26:09Cool.
26:14Yeah.
26:18It was the West Coast School of...
26:20configurations.
26:23But it was the West Coast...
26:24But jazz Nazis are people are just...
26:27It was the West Coast School of Relaxed Jazz led by Miles Davis
26:31And his album, The Birth of the Cool, was in 1957, which oddly enough is the year I was born.
26:37So maybe I am cool.
26:41I love that you saying all that as a chat-up line in a nightclub.
26:44Do you know who the coolest person in the room is tonight?
26:47No, let me explain.
26:50In 1933, cut to two hours later, and that, madam, is why I am cool.
26:57That gets another move.
26:59Well, don't go.
27:01What about groovy?
27:04Groovy, baby.
27:06Groovy, ploughing. Ploughing in the 17th century.
27:10It's got to be from records, isn't it?
27:12You're right. In the 1930s again, black jazzers in the 1930s.
27:15In the groove because the needle was in the groove of the record.
27:17Exactly, there we are.
27:19So what about hip or hep?
27:21When did that come? Hipcat, hepcat.
27:22Hip or hep?
27:24Both words are used.
27:25I've never heard hep.
27:26Not had hep.
27:26I've heard hepcat, yeah.
27:27As in hep, hep.
27:291940s.
27:29Yeah, I've read on the road.
27:31Man has just had a hep operation.
27:34Well, a hop operation.
27:36Hip or a hop.
27:36Hip-hop, hep.
27:38It first came in black American slang in 1904, hip.
27:41Or was it a bit more sexual, maybe?
27:43Well, they so often are, I'm afraid.
27:45There is a theory that in the groove is also a sexual reference to the little shape of the lady
27:50piece.
27:50Oh, hello.
27:53And I want you to see that in your chat supply.
27:57Come back, I have something else to tell you about it.
28:01What about cat meaning fellow or chap?
28:04Well, that's got to come from Topcat, hasn't it?
28:14Topcat.
28:15That's not cool.
28:17Give me a year as to when cat meaning fellow was first spotted.
28:201920.
28:21Exactly right.
28:22To the year.
28:23Brilliant.
28:23Wow, that was a guess.
28:26Alright.
28:27Good.
28:28More points.
28:29Get ready with a year to shout.
28:31Chick meaning a girl.
28:33Chick.
28:33Yep.
28:33Spanish.
28:34Chica.
28:35Chiquita.
28:36Chiquita.
28:38Chiquita.
28:38Chiquita.
28:39Chiquita.
28:39Chiquita.
28:39Chiquita.
28:39Chiquita.
28:411927.
28:42Oh, that's in Shakespeare.
28:44All my little chicks.
28:45One fell swoop.
28:46You're right.
28:46In Maccas you don't say Beth.
28:50What about dude.
28:52Dude meaning a person.
28:53Um, the Amish.
28:55When?
28:55When, not who?
28:571702.
29:00Why, let us build a barn, dude.
29:05Any other thoughts?
29:07Neanderthal times.
29:091883.
29:101883.
29:11Who?
29:12Foxy.
29:13Pardon?
29:13I beg your pardon?
29:13Foxy.
29:151895.
29:17Wicked, meaning good, meaning splendid.
29:21Silent Witch Trials.
29:22Your favourite year, 1920.
29:241920?
29:25Scott Fitzgerald used it in that sense.
29:26I know, these are all surprises.
29:27You don't mean wicked in the burner if she's a witch?
29:29No, no, of course not.
29:30That's much older.
29:31You'd rather do that in the 1920s, surely.
29:33No, no, no.
29:33No, wicked in the sense of good, cool, excellent.
29:35Wicked.
29:35Be awful, actually.
29:36If you said that in the 14th century, you'd think you're being cool.
29:38I'm wicked.
29:38And they just set fire to kill you.
29:41So much of the youth slang we associate with the 60s and 70s is actually American jazz
29:46speaks from the 30s or even earlier.
29:47Now, polygamy.
29:48Polygamy would be fairly groovy.
29:50If you were Mormons, how many wives would you have?
29:54I don't know.
29:55Christmas!
29:56Uh, up to nine.
29:58Up to nine?
29:59Yes.
29:59Oh.
30:00Oh.
30:03Well, that counts as many, I'm afraid.
30:05Oh, does it?
30:05Up to nine?
30:06Yeah, up to nine.
30:07It counts as many.
30:09It depends what you're discussing.
30:11It's several.
30:11After nine, yeah.
30:12It's totally different.
30:13If a policeman stops you and says, have you been drinking tonight, so you can't go,
30:15no, I've only had up to nine.
30:17You've had many, haven't you?
30:18No, not many.
30:19I am between one and nine, obviously.
30:22What do you mean I can't drive a tractor at four in the morning through the shopping center?
30:26I've only had many.
30:28I'm just after some shoes.
30:29But, um, as you probably know that, obviously Mormons are associated with plural marriages.
30:35Mm.
30:35Joseph Smith, the founder, had a divine revelation, apparently, telling him that he could have
30:41as many wives as he liked.
30:43But, uh, they were stopped.
30:45Oh.
30:45By the American government.
30:47Because they basically said you can believe what you like, but you can't do what you like.
30:51So you can believe you can have as many wives as you like, but you can't have it as a
30:55practice.
30:56You can have it as a belief.
30:58Does this mean it happens, but there's just no legal, uh...
31:01No, it means it doesn't happen because they go to prison.
31:03But people live together in groups of up to nine.
31:06Yeah.
31:06Without actually...
31:07They do.
31:07This is the weird thing about polygamy.
31:09I mean, we all treat it as if it's some terrible thing like incest, but actually, the weird thing is,
31:14if you deceive someone by having a mistress and a whole family...
31:19Yes.
31:20...it's not against the law.
31:22But if you said to two women, look, I love you both, you're absolutely splendid,
31:25how would it be if I married both of you, and they said okay, that would be breaking the law.
31:28Yes.
31:29It's kind of odd.
31:31Or a woman said that to two men.
31:32Hmm.
31:32It's a tricky time to bring it up at Christmas, though, isn't it?
31:37Well, I just don't see why it should be quite so illegal if people are onto it, if they willingly
31:41enter it.
31:41Well...
31:41If it's a deception, I think it should be wrong.
31:43Should it be capped as a certain number?
31:45Up to nine.
31:47Up to nine, I think.
31:48Up to nine, I think.
31:48Up to nine.
31:48I think it should bring in the failing rule.
31:49Ten, I'm not a slack.
31:51No.
31:53Well, see, you can say, you can't actually do it, then?
31:56They don't condone polygamy at all.
31:58No, it's against the law.
31:59It's against the law.
31:59Fortunately, the head of the Mormon church, just as it was being announced as illegal,
32:03had a convenient divine revelation telling him that the practice should stop.
32:08So, God just came in at the last minute.
32:11That's good.
32:12Isn't it handy when that happens?
32:13That is handy, that's good.
32:13There are, of course, the lovely Osmonds.
32:16Aren't they lovely?
32:17The almighty fellow, is that?
32:18They're Mormons.
32:19Oh, right.
32:20They're members of the Church of Latter-day Saints, I think they call them.
32:24What teeth?
32:26Beautiful puppy dogs.
32:27They were rubbish, weren't they?
32:28Were they?
32:28Oh, were they?
32:29Apart from little Jimmy Osmond, he was a long-haired lover from Liverpool.
32:32Yeah.
32:33Of course, it was Big Graham Osmond, the one they kept in the attics.
32:39Who had terrible teeth, terrible teeth.
32:42Yeah, one massive can like a core.
32:44Yeah.
32:45But he wrote all the songs.
32:48Yeah.
32:49Like that.
32:49By groaning them.
32:50He groaned them into a tin can that was collected by a piece of string.
32:54Heeey!
32:55Heeey!
32:56Heeey!
32:57Heeey!
32:58My own healthy prison!
33:02Crazy!
33:02Crazy!
33:04Heeey!
33:07Heeey!
33:08Heeey!
33:09Heeey!
33:09Heeey!
33:10Heeey!
33:11Heeey!
33:12Heeey!
33:13What was that?
33:14What was that, Graham?
33:16Heeey!
33:18Heeey!
33:18Bring me another wife!
33:22I'm allowed up to nine, Bill Bailey's head!
33:25Bring her up!
33:27I'm only going to eight!
33:30I'm allowed to have many!
33:33Now behave.
33:35Pull yourselves together at once.
33:39The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
33:45What a great idea!
33:46I love it!
33:48I love it!
33:48I love it!
33:49That's a great idea, Craig.
33:50It's sort of Doctor Who, isn't it?
33:51Doctor Who goes into the attic and finds the elderly secret brother of the audience.
33:56And that's how they kill off David Tennant.
33:59Imagine that.
34:00What was that?
34:01Nobody's supposed to-
34:03Is that the plot of the Christmas show?
34:05Played by Bill Bailey!
34:14You're all sick puppies.
34:15Very ashamed of you.
34:17The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
34:19The Mormons to you in me has forbidden polygamy for 120 years, as it happens, which brings
34:23us neatly to the magical mystery tour that we call General Ignorance.
34:27So, if my fab four are ready, put your fingers on your buzzers.
34:31What are these gentlemen spelling out in semaphore?
34:36Christmas!
34:36Yes.
34:38Help!
34:39Oh!
34:40You'd think-
34:41Oh!
34:43Oh!
34:44Oh!
34:44One of the three of Paul McCartney died, and there's a replacement or something, is it?
34:47Oh, not quite that, but you're-
34:49I am a walrus.
34:50No.
34:51Christmas!
34:53We is George, John is all, Paul is Liv, and Ringo is the other submarine.
35:00But not in one?
35:01Not in, no.
35:02No, right, okay.
35:02That's, uh, the elderly brother of the Beatles, it's not allowed to be seen.
35:05Oh!
35:06Don't start-
35:07I don't even have a submarine!
35:10No.
35:11I don't believe-
35:13I love what the monkey did.
35:15Help!
35:16I need some money!
35:19I need some money!
35:21All right, I don't.
35:24That's very good.
35:25Well done.
35:26As it happened, the photographer who was commissioned to do the cover of Help did ask them to do it,
35:31but for some reason nobody liked the outcome graphically.
35:35So, instead, they positioned their arms in a pleasing arrangement, which ended up spelling N-U-J-V.
35:42Oh, no.
35:43Like so.
35:44Oh, no.
35:45Which-
35:45It probably meant something to them.
35:46Well, no, it gave rise to the first, as David intimated, the first of the great-
35:53Myths about-
35:53Conspiracy theories.
35:54Oh, no.
35:54This was new unknown John vocalist, people said.
35:58Oh, for crying.
35:58I know.
35:59Isn't it tragic?
36:00Claiming that John therefore died.
36:02It's always the fans ruin the band.
36:02He died and been replaced, apparently.
36:04So, John had died and been replaced, and they said, we need a way of telling the thing, so let's
36:08get John back out stuffing.
36:10Yes.
36:10I know.
36:11That was amazing.
36:12Surely a conspiracy dude, he wouldn't even, John's in it, he's not dead.
36:15I know.
36:15But actually, Help would have looked like, it seems perfectly acceptable to me.
36:20There you are.
36:21And so it wasn't Help, it was N-U-J-V.
36:23So what are the other famous, if they are, or infamous Beatles?
36:28Barefoot on the Abbey Road cover.
36:29The Barefoot on the Abbey Road cover is the absolute classic, isn't it?
36:33And what did that indicate?
36:35Dead.
36:35It's only, it's-
36:36Well, supposedly, John is said to be dressed as a preacher, Ringo as an undertaker, George
36:42as a gravedigger, why a gravedigger in denim, and Paul, with a suit but no shoes, is a corpse.
36:47You might also notice, that he's carrying a cigarette, but if you were to buy a modern
36:53copy of it, you would find that cigarette had disappeared.
36:55Ah.
36:55Where's it gone?
36:57There.
36:57Look, it's gone.
36:58Wow.
36:59Disappeared.
37:00What's there?
37:00It's gone.
37:01Anyway, photographer Robert Freeman wanted to arrange the Beatles to spell out Help in Semaphore.
37:06Didn't like the way it looked, so they went with N-U-J-V instead.
37:09What does Puff the Magic Dragon have in common with Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds?
37:13Christmas.
37:15No.
37:16Are they both about drugs?
37:18No.
37:21They're not.
37:22A lot of people think they are, but neither is.
37:24Do you know Puff the Magic Dragon?
37:26Do you know the song?
37:26Puff the Magic Dragon.
37:28He did by the sea.
37:29He did by the sea.
37:31He did by the sea.
37:31And he ate that.
37:32And he swallowed in the sea.
37:33In the sea.
37:34In the land of Brunt and Lee.
37:36Oh, very good.
37:37Puff the Magic Dragon.
37:40Yeah.
37:40No, very good.
37:41That's excellent.
37:41Is that right?
37:42Yeah.
37:42That's right.
37:42That's the song.
37:43Yeah.
37:43It's based on the Nugden Nash rhyme called The Really Oh Truly Oh Dragon.
37:46And there was a Cornell student, Leonard Lipton, and he gave it to his friend Peter Yarrow
37:50who wrote the song.
37:51And Peter Yarrow tells us, quite specifically, even if I'd had the intention of writing a song
37:56about drugs, which I may have had at a later time, I was 20 years old at Cornell in 1959.
38:01I was so square, as was everyone else, drugs had not emerged.
38:04I know Puff was a good dragon, would never have had drugs around him.
38:06Now you've heard that from the mouth of the dragon's daddy.
38:09It is not about drugs.
38:11He thinks he's a dragon's daddy.
38:12Yeah.
38:14And he's not on drugs.
38:15Oh, where is that?
38:16It was going well until the very end.
38:19Do you know the official story of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds?
38:33No, he'd done a painting.
38:34No, he'd done a painting.
38:34The bloke upstairs goes, that's my job!
38:36He's done a painting!
38:38Get me a pen!
38:40Oh, Christ.
38:41No, he'd done, he'd done a...
38:45Little Julian.
38:46I've got Lucy up here!
38:47Oh, God.
38:49Little Julian had painted a picture of a girl surrounded by stars and it was his friend Lucy
38:52in Playgroup.
38:54And John said, what's that then?
38:55And he said, it's Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.
38:57That was the older brother that spelled out.
38:59Yeah.
39:00Yeah.
39:00And, er...
39:01Yeah.
39:02According to interviews Lennon and the other Beatles, they didn't notice that the initials
39:06spelled out...
39:07LSD.
39:07LSD.
39:08Yeah.
39:08Until after the record was released.
39:10Good.
39:10Now, finally, something seasonal at last.
39:12A man goes to the doctor.
39:14Right?
39:14Dr. Doctor, I can't stop singing Auld Lang Syne.
39:19So the doctor says, I'll have to send you to the Burns Unit.
39:22They're good.
39:23Yeah.
39:24Now, what's wrong with that joke?
39:26Is it absolutely terrible?
39:30And...
39:32And...
39:35And...
39:35And...
39:36Yes, see.
39:39Now, any other thoughts?
39:41Well, of course it's not, because Burns Night is not a New Year's Eve, is it?
39:45It's a...
39:46What is it?
39:46Yes.
39:47So, of course, you wouldn't be singing Auld Lang Syne and Burns Night.
39:51You'd be singing it on New Year's Eve.
39:53So...
39:54That's true.
39:55You'd be waiting three weeks...
39:56But most people think that Auld Lang Syne was written by Robbie Burns.
40:03Auld Lang Syne wasn't even written by Burns.
40:05Yay!
40:07That's right.
40:10Although a lot of members of the Burns Society believe he wrote it and say that it's nonsense
40:14he didn't, he himself said he didn't.
40:16He said it was a traditional song that he wrote down.
40:19Really?
40:19Yeah.
40:19Auld Lang Syne first comes up in 1724, we see it, and that was 35 years before Burns was
40:24born.
40:25It's a very popular song, though, in all kinds of places, especially in the Far East.
40:30Yes.
40:31In Japan, it's played daily to mark closing time in most large department stores.
40:36So, how did Burns sign himself?
40:39What was his name?
40:39What did he call himself?
40:41Rabi.
40:42Not Rabi, funnily.
40:43Robin.
40:43Robin, he did.
40:44Yes.
40:45Robin and Rab and Robert, but never Robbie or Rabi, oddly enough.
40:50Although everyone calls him Rabi or Robbie Burns.
40:51Oh.
40:53There you go.
40:53What does it mean, Auld Lang Syne?
40:55Oh, I don't know what it means.
40:58Long...
40:58Remembrance?
40:59Yeah, kind of old long since.
41:01It means in the old days.
41:02Long time ago.
41:03And how do the words go?
41:05Anyone who can give me the lyrics gets points?
41:06Should all the quaintry to be forgot my name.
41:10Should all the quaintry to be forgot my name.
41:12Should all the quaintry to be forgot my name.
41:13For the sake of my side.
41:15For all the things I've been for all a good late.
41:20We'll cart a carpool kindness yet.
41:23For the sake of all the life.
41:24Oh, yes.
41:25Four points.
41:26Four times.
41:27There you go.
41:29Excellent.
41:31But all that sex drugs and rotten roll brings us to the end of the QI office party
41:36And before we tell the boss what we really think of him
41:37Let's see if everyone has scored and what they have scored
41:41Well, bless my blimey
41:43With minus 29 points
41:46I'm afraid our last place loser tonight
41:49Is Lee Mack
41:57In third place with minus 6, it's Bill Bailey
42:03Oh, this is getting tense
42:07First appearance, second place, minus 4, David Tennant
42:15Which can only mean it's not only Christmas, it's a blue moon
42:18With plus 5, Alan Davis is the winner
42:23Yes, I'm ready
42:31So we are bidding a cool Yule and a gear new year to you all
42:35From David, Bill, Lee, Alan and me
42:37And tonight for some reason I thought I'd leave you with a joke about
42:40Doctors and time travel
42:42Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future
42:46And when did this start?
42:47Next Tuesday afternoon
42:49Good night and happy Christmas
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