- 2 days ago
مسلسل After Life مترجم - Episode 1
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00:12If you're watching this, then I'm not around anymore.
00:14I couldn't say any of this to your face.
00:16It's too embarrassing.
00:18For you, not for me, obviously.
00:20You're never very good at hearing how lovely you are.
00:23But you are, you are, you're lovely.
00:26But you're absolutely fucking useless.
00:29So I thought I'd leave you a little guide to life without me.
00:34You've got to turn the alarm off in the morning, yeah?
00:36Because if you open the door, it'll set it off.
00:37And then the alarm company think we're getting broken into.
00:40If you do set it off, you've got to ring them.
00:42The number's in your phone under alarm.
00:44The alarm code is 8645.
00:46That's your PIN code.
00:48You know this.
00:50And put it on perimeter, otherwise the dog will set it off.
00:53And feed the dog, yeah?
00:55First thing in the morning and when you get in from work.
00:58And what else?
01:00Got to put the bins out Tuesday evenings.
01:02Black bin is household waste.
01:04Green bin is resod...
01:26When I wake up in the morning, love.
01:31And the sunlight hurts my eyes.
01:36Something will I want in the night.
01:41That's heavy on my mind.
01:45Then I look at you.
01:48And the world's all right with me.
01:54Just one look at you.
01:58And I know it's gonna be...
02:03I love you.
02:05I love you.
02:06I love you.
02:09I love you.
02:19I got my knife, I got my knife.
02:27I got my knife, I got my knife.
02:35Where's your bowl?
02:38Where is it?
02:42Oh fuck.
02:49No dog food? Baked beans or vegetable curry? Thought so. Oh, sorry. I'll get some real
03:00food later. Fucking hell. Vegetable curry for me then. Oh.
03:35Hello. Hello. I'm starting here today. I'm starting work here today. Okay. Do you have
03:42a name? Yes. Sandy. No, I mean, who are you meant to meet here? Who hired you? Oh, Mr.
03:49Braden. Come here. Good girl. Your dog should be on a lead. What? Dog should be on a lead.
04:13Can't you read? The park's for everyone. Oh, right. Oh, sorry. Thank you. Come here,
04:18girl. Come here. What? He is not a fat, hairy, nosy cocksucker. Bad girl, Brandy. Sorry
04:26about that. Disgusting. See you later.
04:49What's up?
04:51Can't you read?
05:25Right.
05:31I've got to go to work.
05:33See you later.
05:35I'll bring you some food.
05:37Good girl.
05:38Good girl.
05:39Good girl.
05:50Hey, guys.
05:52What?
05:53What's your post?
05:55Print it through the door.
05:57Well, you're here so it saves me a trip.
06:00I don't want to walk with it, do I?
06:01Why not?
06:03You're new, aren't you?
06:04Yeah, I was transferred.
06:05No, no, no.
06:06I don't care.
06:07But presumably in your old round you used to put things through the door, didn't you?
06:10Mate, there's no need to get all airy.
06:12Why are you talking to me like this?
06:13What, are you going to report me?
06:14Yeah.
06:14What's your name?
06:16Your law.
06:17Trust me.
06:20It's Pat.
06:22Postman Pat.
06:23Yeah.
06:25Put it through the door.
06:35That was easy, wasn't it?
06:37You could have done that.
06:38No, I couldn't.
06:39Why not?
06:39I'm not a postman.
06:42Go on.
06:52Hi, George.
06:54Hi.
06:55Who's that?
06:56He's my uncle.
06:58Pee-do!
07:00What?
07:01Pee-do!
07:03I'm not a pee-do, and if I was you'd be safe with tubby little ginger cunt.
07:11Welcome.
07:12Great to have you.
07:13I remember my first day, and it is exciting, isn't it?
07:16Yeah.
07:17Yeah.
07:17Great place to work this.
07:18Very dynamic.
07:19Lots of people in and out all the time.
07:21Really excellent bunch of people.
07:23Hard working.
07:25Hard working.
07:26It's very rewarding as well.
07:27You get to go out into the community.
07:29And that could be anything from local stories, you know, entertainment, finance.
07:36So, yeah.
07:38Cath does the advertising.
07:39Be nice to her, and she might take you out to the opening of a new restaurant, give you
07:42a free meal.
07:44Lenny does all the photography, so if you're interested in that.
07:48Everyone chips in on everything, really.
07:50So what kind of thing are you mostly interested in, would you say?
07:52Writing features.
07:54Perfect.
07:54That's great.
07:55I mean, you'll definitely do that here.
07:57Lots of features.
07:58Sky's the limit.
08:01Tony's ahead of features.
08:02He's not here.
08:04He's a very good writer.
08:05Very smart.
08:06Very experienced.
08:07Good guy.
08:10He's not himself at the minute, to be honest.
08:13He's had a bit of bad news.
08:16Tony's my brother-in-law.
08:18He was married to my sister Lisa, who died.
08:24Cancer.
08:27Yeah.
08:28Sorry.
08:29He was obviously devastated.
08:33Suicidal.
08:35Why?
08:37I should warn you, he might say a few things that are a bit brutal at times.
08:45So, you know, don't take it personally.
08:48I mean, you will be working closely with him.
08:52Anyway, have fun.
08:54Yeah.
08:56Thanks.
08:58So, how are you?
09:00Same.
09:02Bad then.
09:04I've honestly nothing to compare it to anymore.
09:06But I guess a good day is when I don't go around wanting to shoot random strangers in the face
09:12and then turn the gun on myself.
09:20One of my clients fantasises about killing his ex-wife when he's masturbating.
09:28Why are you telling me that?
09:29I didn't say his name.
09:31No, I know.
09:32But how does that help me?
09:35I don't know.
09:37I guess to let you know you're not the only one.
09:41Only what?
09:42Well, the only mental case out there.
09:44I mean, you know, the only guy with mental problems.
09:49I've got problems.
09:50Go on.
09:51Oh, God, man.
09:52Where do I start?
09:53Maybe start with me as I'm paying, but...
09:59Morning.
10:00Morning.
10:01Terrible, isn't it?
10:03Scarred for life.
10:05Hardly scarred for life.
10:07She's 93.
10:08If she lives to 100, she's only been scarred for 7% of her life.
10:21You're late.
10:22You're boring.
10:24I'm joking, aren't you?
10:25I wasn't, but go on.
10:25What have you got?
10:27It's distribution day.
10:28No, I mean, why would you think I was joking about you being boring?
10:31Have you got a counter-argument or...?
10:35Why'd you let him get away with this?
10:36I don't.
10:38Tony, come on, what's going on?
10:40We're putting out a free local newspaper that no-one cares about.
10:43No, that's not true.
10:45And that's not what I'm...
10:46Can you come in my office, please?
10:47Sure.
10:48A lot of people rely on our paper, you know?
10:49Not everyone's on Twitter, are they?
10:52Back to work, everyone.
10:55What do you want me to say?
10:57That I'm sorry and I'll back my ideas up?
10:59Because I won't.
10:59Because there's no point.
11:01Look, Tony, I know that you've had issues, okay, since you lost Lisa.
11:04Do you reckon?
11:05My wife dying affected me a bit.
11:07Of course.
11:08And, you know, I get that.
11:09I even told Sandy about it.
11:10Who's Sandy?
11:11The new girl.
11:12I didn't want to think in this place was a madhouse.
11:14I had to say something.
11:17Look, I just need a bit of professionalism around here, okay, Tony?
11:19Please?
11:20I shouldn't have to explain this to you.
11:22You can't just go around being rude to people.
11:24You can, though.
11:25That's the beauty of it.
11:27There's no advantage to being nice and thoughtful and caring and having integrity.
11:32It's a disadvantage, if anything.
11:33Well, let's see, because, you know, if you carry on like this, I might have to let you go.
11:36No, you won't.
11:38You won't, that's what I'm saying, because you're a nice bloke.
11:40So I'll take advantage of you, like everyone else does here.
11:44You'll warn me.
11:45I'll ignore it.
11:46You'll give me another warning.
11:47I'll ignore it.
11:47I'll carry on doing what the fuck I want.
11:49Eventually, you'll give up and I'll win.
11:52The girls here have discovered that you won't even question women's problems.
11:57Kath's had three periods this month.
11:59She lights Fridays off.
12:00You do nothing.
12:01She gets away with it, because she's an arsehole.
12:04So I thought, right, let's have a bit of that.
12:06Why would you want to do that?
12:07Why wouldn't you just rather get better and be happy?
12:10There's only one thing that'll make me better and happy, and that's Lisa being around.
12:13And that can't happen.
12:15So that's why I nearly killed myself straight away.
12:18Oh, right, okay, but you didn't kill yourself, did you?
12:20So clearly, you know, something needs you to stop.
12:23The look on the dog's face.
12:25She was hungry, so I thought I'd better feed her.
12:28And it gave me time to think, I should be dead now.
12:31I didn't care.
12:32So everything's a bonus.
12:34If I become an arsehole and I do and say what the fuck I want,
12:38for as long as I want, and then when it all gets too much,
12:42I can always kill myself.
12:43It's like a superpower.
12:45That's the worst superhero I've ever heard of.
12:48That's the way it is now.
12:50So what? So...
12:52My job now is to make you happy before you kill yourself.
12:55That's like a constant ticking clock for me now, is it?
12:58If you like.
12:59Well, I don't like.
13:01Anyway, that's the way it is.
13:03OK.
13:04Well, I'm glad we had this chat.
13:05Yeah.
13:06Very constructive.
13:08Right.
13:10Um...
13:10So this is, uh...
13:11Yeah, this is Sandy.
13:12She's just started today.
13:14This is her first day.
13:15Um, so, uh, Tony, she's gonna be working under you.
13:17If you could show her the ropes, tell her what's what.
13:21Here's what's what.
13:23Um...
13:23Humanity's a plague.
13:25We're a disgusting, narcissistic, selfish parasite.
13:29And the world would be a better place without us.
13:31It should be everyone's moral duty to kill themselves.
13:34I could do it now.
13:35Quite happily.
13:35Just go upstairs, jump off the roof.
13:37And make sure I land on some cunt from accounts.
13:41That...
13:41The sort of thing...
13:43You meant?
13:44No.
13:46It...
13:46Just...
13:47Ignore that.
13:48Um, Lenny.
13:49Can you show Sandy the ropes?
13:51Sure thing.
13:51Got to get the papers out, thank you.
13:53You gonna show her the ropes, yeah?
13:55Big time.
13:56Can I guess the bullet points?
13:59Get in.
14:00Eat in front of the computer.
14:02Go to the pub.
14:03Eat in front of the quiz machine.
14:05Go home.
14:05Eat in front of the telly.
14:07Go to bed.
14:08I assume you're eating in bed.
14:09We'll have emergency snacks nearby, yeah.
14:16I've got to go.
14:18Do you want me to bring you back some more donuts, fat boy?
14:20Yes, please.
14:26Do you mind him talking to you like that?
14:28No, he's a mate.
14:30It distracts him.
14:32You don't take any shit of him, all right?
14:35I don't.
14:36Because I'm not weak like him.
14:38Uh, Julian?
14:39Yeah?
14:40Um, we've had a couple of calls from people saying that their building didn't get any papers delivered.
14:44Ah.
14:45Okay, look, that's weird, because I definitely delivered them all.
14:49You know you've got to ring a buzzer to get into the actual building, though.
14:53You can't leave them on the street outside, because a lot of the old people can't get up and down
14:55the stairs or go out.
14:57Yeah, I know that, boss.
14:58I will be extra careful with this.
15:01Okay.
15:03Um, can I get paid now?
15:08You all do a good job, aren't you?
15:10You can trust me, yeah.
15:11Yeah.
15:13£35, eh?
15:14Yeah.
15:15All right.
15:15Cheers.
15:15Okay.
15:26Hot date.
15:29Sorry, what?
15:30Just saw you washing in a puddle from a drain, and I wondered if it was a special occasion.
15:36Not really, no.
15:39Gonna buy drugs with that and dump the papers in a skip?
15:43Well, I should probably dump them first, then buy the drugs.
15:47I'll forget otherwise, won't I?
16:18No.
16:19Where's Lisa?
16:22She's dead, Dad.
16:25Remember?
16:26She died earlier this year.
16:29She was here this morning.
16:32No, she wasn't.
16:35Hi.
16:37Hi.
16:39Great.
16:42Let's get you sorted, Ray, eh?
16:47If it was a dog, you'd put it down.
16:50It?
16:51I was sort of being nice that...
16:54I feel sorry for him.
16:58Why don't you ever feel sorry for him?
17:02I worry when they cry.
17:05We say there's nothing going on inside to make ourselves feel better, but there's definitely something going on.
17:11Eh?
17:15You married?
17:18No time for that.
17:21I'll give you a good scene, too.
17:23I'm sorry.
17:24It's all right.
17:27Never heard any complaints.
17:30Kept the wife happy.
17:36Oh, I've got to go.
17:39No.
17:41See you, Dad.
17:43Hey, bring Lisa with you.
17:45Fuck me.
17:46Yeah, all right.
17:48Jesus Christ.
17:51Good girl.
17:59Oh, fuck no.
18:03No balls.
18:05For fuck's sake.
18:23No fucking milk.
18:26No fucking milk.
18:48Don't wallow, eh?
18:50Stay active.
18:52And keep our house tidy.
18:54Our lovely house.
18:56And don't get drunk all the time.
18:58All right?
18:59Because it'll only make you feel worse in the long run.
19:02I'm not a doctor, but I have spoken to loads of them over the last few months.
19:05And they all reckon it's not ideal to be a fat, lazy, self-pitying lump.
19:12If you put the dishes straight in the dishwasher, it doesn't build up.
19:15And change the salt every now and then.
19:17The salt's in the garage.
19:19The garage is that massive thing on the side of the house.
19:29Oh, fuck's sake.
19:32You all right? Yeah?
19:34I was worried about you.
19:35Why?
19:36What do you mean, why?
19:37Because you're always talking about killing yourself.
19:40Also, you should be at work.
19:41But, you know, I'll let that slide.
19:43Have you come to the pub?
19:44Me and Lenny going for lunch?
19:45No.
19:46I've had lunch.
19:47Come on.
19:48We used to go to the pub all the time.
19:49No.
19:50Someone will make me angry and that's the day ruined.
19:52Yeah, I'll take that chance, Bruce Banner.
19:54It'll do you good.
19:56Come on, please.
19:57All journalists go to the pub for lunch.
19:58We're not journalists.
20:00We are journalists.
20:01We work for a newspaper.
20:02Yeah, and that newspaper is used to line cat litter trays by old ladies once a week.
20:07And they read it before they do that?
20:09We're not journalists.
20:10Yeah, we are.
20:10Of course we're journalists.
20:11No, we're not.
20:11Yes, we are.
20:12Not.
20:13Stop saying that we are.
20:14Not.
20:14Fucking hell.
20:16Can you hear that?
20:18Fucking fat cunt eating like a fucking slug.
20:22Doing my fucking head in.
20:24All right.
20:25Look, why don't you throw yourself into your work?
20:27Sorry, I can't concentrate with that.
20:29Fucking hell.
20:30They're crisps.
20:30They're crunchy.
20:31Yeah, but why do they have to do all that?
20:36Well, this is fun.
20:37Told you.
20:38You told me.
20:39Great.
20:40Always someone who spoils it in there.
20:42Yeah, and do you think that might be you on this occasion?
20:44No.
20:46Look, just ignore him, okay?
20:48As I was saying, why don't you throw yourself into your work, okay?
20:50It's what depressed people do sometimes.
20:52It's hard for me to throw myself into my work when my work is often talking to a plumber
20:57on the estate who's grown a potato that looks like Lionel Richie.
21:00That made the front cover.
21:02It did look like him, though.
21:03You know what?
21:04Actually, this is a good sign.
21:05We've got quite a lot of exciting leads.
21:06Leads?
21:07Yeah.
21:08Like with Woodward and Bernstein?
21:09Yeah, they are leads.
21:10Go on, what leads?
21:11What leads do we have?
21:12All right.
21:12A woman called in the other day.
21:13When she drags her dustbin, it sounds like Chewbacca.
21:18No, all right.
21:20A woman on Blagden Road woke up Chinese.
21:24And she wasn't before.
21:26No, I get the angle.
21:27Okay.
21:27A man who got sent the same birthday card five times.
21:31Really?
21:31Yeah.
21:32Really?
21:32Yeah.
21:33Right, let's get to the bottom of that ASAP.
21:36Well, yes, why don't you?
21:38Because that is your job.
21:40I know.
21:40Yeah.
21:47Ring the doorbell.
21:54You're disgusting.
21:55I didn't want to do it in the man's house, did I?
21:56Go to the doctor.
21:57You've definitely got bowel cancer.
21:58Hello.
21:59Don't come out of this fuck and shut himself.
22:00Are you from the newspaper?
22:02Yeah.
22:02Leave him there for a while.
22:03You fucking pig.
22:10Yeah, when I got the first one, I thought,
22:12well, that's a nice card.
22:14And then I got the second and I thought,
22:16oh, that's funny.
22:17Two the same.
22:18But then when I got the third, I thought, well, what are the chances of that?
22:24Astronomical.
22:25And then the fourth.
22:26Wow.
22:28Wow.
22:28But then five, I mean, I bet that's never happened before.
22:33Not on record, anyway.
22:35You taking notes?
22:36Yeah.
22:37All in there.
22:39Is this going to be in next week's newspaper?
22:42Yeah.
22:42We'll rush this through.
22:43Quite a scoop.
22:45Oh, my Denise will be tickled by this.
22:47It's my wife.
22:49She passed away last year.
22:52Light of my life.
22:54Anything that happens, I go to tell her and then I remember.
22:59Nothing's as good if you don't share it.
23:02I still have my downs.
23:04But then life throws you these interesting little things, doesn't it?
23:08You can't feel sorry for yourself.
23:11You've got to keep going.
23:14Happy birthday.
23:16Oh.
23:17Thanks.
23:22Oh, for God's sake.
23:29Excuse me, where's the dog food?
23:32It's by the cat food.
23:34Right.
23:35Well, I've got another question then.
23:37Where's the cat food?
23:39The tinned product style too.
23:41Cheers.
23:42Don't get up.
23:43Okay.
23:48Everything.
23:49Yeah.
23:50Oh.
24:05Alright, mate.
24:07You got any money?
24:10Yeah.
24:12What?
24:15Yes.
24:16I've got money.
24:17Give it to me then.
24:25Why?
24:25Because I'll fucking kill you if you don't.
24:30Does that usually work, does it?
24:32To most people, the threat of death is worse than giving you money.
24:38Or they're worried you'll hurt their family or...
24:41I haven't got any family.
24:42So I'm not going to go into it, but I don't care about anything anymore.
24:45I'm not giving you any money.
24:47Are you mental?
24:48No.
24:49I'm just tired of doing things I don't want to do.
24:51And we always have a choice.
24:52And if I've read this right, my choice is either violence or hand over my money peacefully to two useless
25:01little cunts.
25:03Are you mad?
25:04No!
25:04Oi!
25:05Fuck off.
25:06Okay?
25:09Just fuck off.
25:10Oh, fuck off.
25:16Oh.
25:19Oh!
25:21Oh.
25:24Oh.
25:29Oh.
25:45There you go.
25:47It's no-one's fault what's happened. Don't go blaming the world.
25:50You know how grumpy you get when things don't go your way.
25:53But you've got such a good heart.
25:55You're born like it. You can't contrive it. You're just decent.
25:59I knew it. First time I met you.
26:02Hit me like a bolt of lightning.
26:07And I've loved you ever since.
26:10You fat twat.
26:25Oh, it's Sunday. You can't.
26:32You're not a real vicar. I can tell.
26:34Oh, Tony. Oh, my God.
26:38Why did you do this to me?
26:40Because it's good for you. It gets your heart going. It gets your metabolism up.
26:50Satellites gone up to the skies.
26:57Things like that drive me out of my mind.
27:05I watched it for a little while.
27:08I like to watch things on TV.
27:16Satellite of love.
27:20Satellite of love.
27:24Satellite of love.
27:28Satellite of...
27:38Satellite of love.
27:39Satellite of love.
28:01Satellite of love.
28:01Satellite of love.
28:04Satellite of love.
28:06Satellite of love.
28:09Satellite of love.
28:10Satellite of love.
28:11Satellite of love.
28:11Satellite of love.
28:12Satellite of love.
28:12Satellite of love.
28:13Satellite of love.
28:13Satellite of love.
28:13Satellite of love.
28:13Satellite of love.
28:13Satellite of love.
28:14Satellite of love.
28:14Satellite of love.
28:14Satellite of love.
28:14Satellite of love.
28:15Satellite of love.
28:31You
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