Anthony Rodia - Totally Relatable (24) - video Dailymotion

Fyah TV Comedy

This comedy special explores the absurdity of societal norms and personal dilemmas, deconstructing parenting chaos and marital feuds. #comedy #standupcomedy #standup #anthonyrodia #anthonyrodiacomedy #anthonyrodiastandup

Transcript

00:00:15First comedy special.

00:00:22I'm pumped.

00:00:23First time I'm actually nervous for a show, but it's good nerves.

00:00:29Found you on Instagram on The Pandemic, and I've been watching you ever since.

00:00:34Anthony, you're the best.

00:00:36Can't wait for your show tonight.

00:00:38He's hysterical.

00:00:40Yeah, got the goal.

00:00:42You always make us laugh.

00:00:45You are hilarious.

00:00:47It's sauce, not gravy.

00:00:50My mom and I have been watching your videos since during COVID, and we've loved them.

00:00:55Hysterical.

00:00:56Anthony, we love you.

00:00:57I hope I'm not going to laugh with my ass off.

00:01:00Kick some ash.

00:01:08Long after New York, make some noise.

00:01:13Give it up for my man, my friend, Anthony Rodia.

00:01:36What's up, Long Island?

00:01:46This is uncharted waters for me, okay?

00:01:49I'm not used to this.

00:01:50I'm used to you guys being there.

00:01:51I'm not used to a bunch of people watching me at home.

00:01:55So I don't know what they're going to think, what they're going to say, okay?

00:01:58Now, hopefully, there'll be millions of people across the world that watch this.

00:02:03And I want them to know that their opinion matters, kind of.

00:02:07So, I know how you guys are, but for the people at home watching this, I want you to know

00:02:14I'm aware that there are different types of people in this world.

00:02:16I'm aware people have different tolerance, different sense of humor.

00:02:20I know.

00:02:20So, I want you to know that if you're watching this, and for the next hour, I trigger you, I

00:02:25offend you, you feel attacked, or I piss you off, I want you to know, I don't give a fuck.

00:02:39I don't care.

00:02:40And I got news for you.

00:02:42Neither does anyone else.

00:02:44I don't care.

00:02:47You know how entitled you have to be to sit there and go, I don't like this, I want to

00:02:51change.

00:02:52Shut the fuck up.

00:02:55I was a little kid.

00:02:56I'd walk in the living room.

00:02:57My father would be watching TV.

00:02:58I'd go, Dad, I don't like this.

00:03:00Okay, close your fucking eyes.

00:03:05People got to stop, man.

00:03:07Especially when it comes to comedy, because comedy should never be looked at as an attack.

00:03:11We all deal with shit.

00:03:12No one's living a perfect life.

00:03:13You're dealing with shit, I'm dealing with shit.

00:03:15You got people that's dealing with worse shit, and when you come to a comedy show, you shouldn't feel attacked.

00:03:20You should feel able to escape all the bullshit out there, and in here, we laugh.

00:03:29That's it.

00:03:32I can't stand it, man.

00:03:34And I, listen, I'll admit, I'm not normal, okay?

00:03:38I got a messed up mind.

00:03:40I create comedy from every situation in life.

00:03:43I wake up laughing in the morning.

00:03:45My wife hates it.

00:03:47She's like, why are you so happy?

00:03:48Why are you so miserable?

00:03:51I find comedy in everything, okay?

00:03:55Now, there are times that I want to be serious, and comedy finds me.

00:04:03Perfect example.

00:04:04Two weeks ago, went to a wake.

00:04:07Not a place for comedy.

00:04:09Although the lady that saw me walk in didn't think that.

00:04:12As soon as I walk in, oh my God, oh my God, I love you.

00:04:17What are you doing here?

00:04:18I'm performing.

00:04:19What do you think I'm doing here?

00:04:25What do you think?

00:04:26I'm going to jump on the casket and do a quick set?

00:04:31So I go into the wake.

00:04:33I'm sitting in the back of the room.

00:04:34I'm hanging out with a couple of my friends, my cousins.

00:04:36And I'm trying to behave.

00:04:38I'm trying to act mature.

00:04:40And out comes the deacon to give the mass.

00:04:44Four and a half foot Asian guy that looked exactly like Mr. Chow from Hangover.

00:04:50Okay?

00:04:55I look up.

00:04:56I'm like, why you got to do this to me?

00:04:58I'm trying to behave.

00:05:00So I'm saying to myself, we're still good.

00:05:03We're still, so he looks like Mr. Chow.

00:05:05There's no way this guy is going to have a full-blown Asian accent.

00:05:11He had the strongest Asian accent.

00:05:17The guy's first word was hallelujah.

00:05:20Why do you have to pick a word with so many letter L's in it?

00:05:31He came out.

00:05:32Hallelujah.

00:05:36I looked up.

00:05:37Why are you doing this to me?

00:05:39I'm trying to behave myself.

00:05:41I got my wife here.

00:05:42Why are you doing this to me?

00:05:44So now I'm trying to keep it in.

00:05:47Then he starts talking and telling everybody the difference.

00:05:50Between a deacon and a priest.

00:05:53He goes, I know some of you are looking at me.

00:05:58And you're thinking, why does he have a ribbon going across his chest?

00:06:04Because I'm not a priest.

00:06:07A priest have a round shoulder.

00:06:12I'm a deacon.

00:06:14We go across his chest.

00:06:17Cross, a priest cannot get married.

00:06:20I'm married.

00:06:32I'm sitting there going, like, I'm praying.

00:06:35I'm making up my own prayers.

00:06:37Our Father, who are in heaven, please don't make me laugh.

00:06:42I'm like, I'll keep it in.

00:06:43I'll only grin, because my wife will kick my ass.

00:06:48Then he goes up to a friend of mine, like a pop quiz at Awake.

00:06:51I've never seen this before.

00:06:52He goes, hey, you, what do you do?

00:06:55He goes, I'm a firefighter.

00:06:57Oh, good, big man.

00:07:02Do you live around?

00:07:09He goes, yeah, good.

00:07:12What if you had a million dollar in your closet?

00:07:15And somebody was breaking into your house to take your money.

00:07:20Are you prepared?

00:07:23He goes, I don't know.

00:07:26Well, do you have a dog?

00:07:28He goes, yeah, what dog?

00:07:30He goes, a German shepherd.

00:07:31Oh, that's a big dog.

00:07:35But if that dog don't save your life,

00:07:37are you prepared to stop this man?

00:07:41He goes, no, I'm not prepared.

00:07:43Exactly.

00:07:43And that brings me to my question for you.

00:07:46When it come time for God to bring you to the kingdom,

00:07:50are you going to be prepared?

00:07:51What?

00:07:54How the fuck did you just connect those dots?

00:08:01And then he blew my mind.

00:08:03He goes, I don't know what your plan is for this person.

00:08:06But you can either bury her or cremate.

00:08:11And when the people cremate, they ask me question all the time.

00:08:16Can we share the ashes?

00:08:18Meaning, can my brother have some?

00:08:20My mother have some?

00:08:22My sister?

00:08:23No.

00:08:26Because when God come to resurrect this body,

00:08:31the body part is going to be all over the place.

00:08:35What?

00:08:41It's not my fault sometimes.

00:08:43Okay?

00:08:45But I do try to look at life from a comedic standpoint.

00:08:48Okay?

00:08:49Like, what's going on now, you have to laugh.

00:08:52Shit is so dumb right now.

00:08:55It's comedy everywhere.

00:08:57Everywhere.

00:08:58I mean, look what's going on.

00:09:01You got guys that think they can have babies.

00:09:07I got approached by a guy after one of my shows.

00:09:09He said, yo, man, I like your comedy.

00:09:12I don't like your views.

00:09:14I was like, oh, I like your hair.

00:09:15I don't like your shoes.

00:09:18What are we doing?

00:09:20I said, what's the matter, dude?

00:09:21What did I say to piss you off?

00:09:22He goes, you said on your podcast that men cannot give birth.

00:09:25I said, well, I still stand by that.

00:09:29I've had plenty of sex in my life,

00:09:31and I've never gotten pregnant.

00:09:35He goes, well, I'm going to prove you wrong,

00:09:37and he shows me a picture of a Calvin Klein ad,

00:09:39and it's a woman with her arms wrapped around

00:09:41her pregnant husband's stomach.

00:09:43And I said, what makes you think that pregnant person is a man?

00:09:46He goes, open your eyes, asshole.

00:09:48He has a beard.

00:09:50I said, so do three of my aunts in Italy.

00:09:55You've never seen an Italian woman before?

00:09:59My wife is Calabrese.

00:10:00If she doesn't get laser once every three months,

00:10:02she'll have a goatee.

00:10:05You want to see baby pictures of my daughter when she was born

00:10:08and we thought we gave birth to a capucho monkey?

00:10:14People are out of control, man.

00:10:16They're out of control.

00:10:17I can't, I don't even know what to say sometimes,

00:10:20how to react.

00:10:21Like, I read an article.

00:10:23This is twisted, man.

00:10:25Two people meet on Tinder, right?

00:10:28They go on three dates.

00:10:29The woman tells him on the third date,

00:10:32I like you enough to be fully honest with you.

00:10:34I was not born a woman.

00:10:37I'm a transgender, and I'm still equipped with a penis.

00:10:40I hope that doesn't change things.

00:10:52Let me tell you something.

00:10:53When I was 26, I was dating a girl that was a 12.

00:10:55Girl was a knockout.

00:10:56Went to the beach after her third week of dating.

00:10:59I broke up with her because she had a fucked up big toe.

00:11:02Do you understand what I'm saying?

00:11:05I said, what is that looks like, A.T.?

00:11:07We can't see each other anymore.

00:11:10You think I'm letting a dick slide?

00:11:15What if it's bigger than mine?

00:11:18Now I can't even take mine out.

00:11:20You drop your drawers.

00:11:22Oh, God bless.

00:11:23I can't give it to you now.

00:11:29He stopped seeing her.

00:11:30She went on the internet, called them transphobic, homophobe.

00:11:34Why?

00:11:35Like, if I go into Carvel or any ice cream store,

00:11:38and I go, what's up, man?

00:11:39What flavors you got?

00:11:40We have vanilla and dick.

00:11:41I'm gonna go vanilla.

00:11:45I'm not afraid of the dick.

00:11:47I just want to put it in my mouth.

00:11:53So stupid, man.

00:11:56And you know why everyone's acting like this?

00:11:58You know where the stupidity came from?

00:11:59The stupidity came from the pandemic.

00:12:01After the pandemic, all the assholes and the stupid people came out of the woodworks.

00:12:06Everybody.

00:12:08Everybody came out of the woodwork.

00:12:16But everybody was at each other's throats.

00:12:18Wear a mask, don't wear a mask, get vaccinated, don't get vaccinated.

00:12:21It was bullshit.

00:12:22Everybody should mind their fucking business.

00:12:25Okay?

00:12:25Everybody.

00:12:31Do what you want to do for you.

00:12:34Okay?

00:12:35That bullshit, that bullshit said,

00:12:36protect thy neighbor.

00:12:38Sure, I don't like my neighbor.

00:12:40I don't even talk to my neighbor.

00:12:42Okay?

00:12:43Ever since he kept blowing his leaves on my property, I don't like my neighbor.

00:12:47Okay?

00:12:48Plus, he's a penis popper.

00:12:49I don't like my neighbor.

00:12:51I'll explain to you what a penis popper is,

00:12:52because you didn't even realize you have friends that do this.

00:12:55You didn't know there was a name for it.

00:12:56There is.

00:12:56Penis popper.

00:12:58Every time he talks to me, he gets very awkward, pops his penis at me.

00:13:01And you don't understand.

00:13:02I'm attracted to motion.

00:13:04So now...

00:13:10Every time he sees me...

00:13:12Hey, what's going on, Ant?

00:13:13How's the comedy thing going, huh?

00:13:14Still touring around the world?

00:13:20That's good.

00:13:21How's the family?

00:13:22How are the little ones?

00:13:24I don't know what little ones you're talking about.

00:13:25My kids are your balls.

00:13:26What are you talking about?

00:13:31Then he's always that person to pull me in and tell me a secret.

00:13:34A deep, deep personal secret.

00:13:37I don't know him like that.

00:13:39Calls me and goes, come here, come here, come here, come here.

00:13:42Last night, me and my wife went out to a bar and we took a woman home.

00:13:48You kidnapped somebody?

00:13:49What are you talking about?

00:13:52No.

00:13:53God forbid.

00:13:54No.

00:13:55Once in a while, my wife allows me to bring a woman home, have sex with her, as long as

00:14:03my wife is in the room with us.

00:14:13I said, Chris, I usually ignore everything you say to me.

00:14:20But right now, you have my undivided attention.

00:14:29No wonder why you pop your penis.

00:14:32I said, my wife doesn't let me golf twice in the same week.

00:14:36How'd you pull that off?

00:14:38What is that, like a permission slip I can get her to sign?

00:14:41He said, come on, man.

00:14:43You have the gift of gab, funny guy, good looking.

00:14:44You don't think you can convince your wife into allowing you to sleep with another woman

00:14:48as long as she's in the room?

00:14:50No.

00:14:53I got enough trouble trying to convince my wife to sleep with me when she's in the room.

00:15:00What do you think?

00:15:00She's going to let another participant join in?

00:15:03And what do you think my very Italian, collar-brazed, thick-headed wife is going to do?

00:15:07Sit there with a notepad and take notes?

00:15:11She's going to be sitting there taking jabs at me, trying to embarrass me at my most vulnerable point.

00:15:15Okay?

00:15:16Yeah, he breathes heavy.

00:15:17Did he tell you he has sleep apnea?

00:15:21Sleeps with one of those masks on.

00:15:23Looks like a fighter jet pilot.

00:15:25I actually call him Maverick every night before he goes to bed.

00:15:33But all the shit during the pandemic, man, I couldn't stand it.

00:15:35And a lot of us did stupid shit, right?

00:15:37Most of us stopped when it didn't make sense, right?

00:15:41We started thinking, wait a minute.

00:15:43If I walk into a restaurant, I can take off my mask once I sit down.

00:15:49So that means the virus is here, but not here.

00:15:57So stupid.

00:16:00A lot of us dealt with it, though, right?

00:16:02At the beginning, we would run to a store, get to the front door,

00:16:05realize we didn't have a mask, flip out, run back to the car, put it on.

00:16:10After three months, we'd stop.

00:16:11We'd walk to the door.

00:16:13Oh, yeah, you know what?

00:16:14Fuck this.

00:16:18What I loved most were the social distancing mats.

00:16:21That they told you where to stand, where we're safe.

00:16:24I felt like a Monopoly game piece.

00:16:27Sir?

00:16:28Right, the red one.

00:16:32I can advance.

00:16:39The funniest thing is you couldn't sneeze or cough in public for two years.

00:16:43People would lose their shit.

00:16:44I remember I went to go pick my daughter up from school.

00:16:46There was 19 parents standing there.

00:16:48I had a mask on with everybody else, and I feel a sneeze come on.

00:16:53I'm like, oh, my God.

00:16:57Oh, my God.

00:16:58Because if you sneezed in public, they would think you were infected.

00:17:00They'd flip out.

00:17:01Kill him!

00:17:06So I'm trying to hold it.

00:17:08I'm doing that stupid sneeze hold.

00:17:13It wasn't working.

00:17:14This thing was coming out.

00:17:15It came out.

00:17:16I squeezed my fucking nose and my mouth so hard, I almost shit my pants.

00:17:22As soon as it came out, oh, my God.

00:17:27I did that thing you do when you think you shit your pants.

00:17:28You poke some of your jeans into your ass to see if it's wet.

00:17:37The lady next to me, she goes, sir, did you just sneeze?

00:17:41I said, no, I think I shit my pants.

00:17:44Oh, thank God.

00:17:45He just shit his pants.

00:17:48Like, what kind of world are we living in?

00:17:50You could shit your pants, but you can't sneeze?

00:17:54It was insane, man.

00:17:56Crazy.

00:17:58Crazy times.

00:17:59And people are still doing shit.

00:18:01And here's the thing.

00:18:01You do what you want.

00:18:02I'm not going to bother you.

00:18:03You want to wear a mask, wear two masks.

00:18:04Go ahead.

00:18:05Go ahead.

00:18:05I'm not going to bother you.

00:18:06But if you go overboard and do something stupid, it's my job to tell you you're stupid because

00:18:11then you're going to reproduce and I need to stop you from doing so.

00:18:14I need to call you stupid before you reproduce, okay?

00:18:17Like, there was a guy at the airport who almost got kicked out.

00:18:19I'm checking my bags.

00:18:20He's next to me.

00:18:21He's got two masks on.

00:18:23But then he's got that plastic shield.

00:18:26Like, he's about to weld metal together.

00:18:30So, I chose a way to tell him he was stupid.

00:18:33I knocked on it.

00:18:39What are you doing?

00:18:40Seeing if anyone's home.

00:18:42What are you doing that for?

00:18:43It's safety.

00:18:45No, it's not.

00:18:45It's stupidity.

00:18:47How do you figure?

00:18:47I don't know.

00:18:48I can slide my hand underneath and tickle your nose.

00:18:53People are out of control, man.

00:18:55But the trophy, if there was a stupidity trophy, that trophy is handed to one type of person

00:19:01out there.

00:19:02The person that's driving by themselves with a mask on.

00:19:14What the fuck?

00:19:15I want to interview one of these people.

00:19:17Like, what is in your car that has you so scared?

00:19:21Would you shit your pants?

00:19:23You don't want to smell it?

00:19:23What's wrong?

00:19:25Because I get scared when I pull up to them in a red light.

00:19:27They got the steering wheel underneath their chin.

00:19:31I'm like, what do you have, a car full of midgets with COVID?

00:19:33What is in your car?

00:19:37It's nuts, man.

00:19:39Crazy world that we live in.

00:19:40And I'm raising kids in it.

00:19:41And that's even scarier, man.

00:19:43Like, I don't mind.

00:19:43Like, listen, adults are weird.

00:19:45Adults are assholes.

00:19:46But what gets me is when adults allow their kids to be weird and don't tell them that,

00:19:50hey, you're going to get the shit kicked out of you once you get to middle school for

00:19:53doing this.

00:19:54Right?

00:19:55Like, a lot of kids are doing weird shit.

00:19:57They're going to school dressed up as animals when it's not Halloween.

00:20:00Right?

00:20:01And you always think it's never happening until it happens at one of your kids' schools.

00:20:06So my daughter comes home one day, tells me this kid Vincent that was at my house a year

00:20:09ago for a birthday party and was perfectly normal, now thinks he's a kitty cat, and he no longer

00:20:15speaks.

00:20:16He meows.

00:20:17Okay?

00:20:18I said, what?

00:20:19Yeah, he meows, Daddy.

00:20:21He doesn't talk to anybody.

00:20:22Have you tried to speak to him?

00:20:23Yeah, but when you get too close, he hisses and goes to scratch you.

00:20:28I said, okay.

00:20:29What should I do?

00:20:30Should I ignore him?

00:20:31No, no.

00:20:31Go to school tomorrow and fucking bite him.

00:20:36He wants to be a cat, let him get treated like a cat.

00:20:39What if the teacher yells at me?

00:20:40Tell her you identify as a Rottweiler.

00:20:42Okay?

00:20:50My wife's looking at me, she's going, if she does this, you're going to school and you're

00:20:54dealing with it.

00:20:55I know.

00:20:56And I'm going to bum rush the principal's office like I'm one of these weird parents

00:20:58that support everything their kid does.

00:21:00Okay?

00:21:01Yes, I know what my daughter did, but who the hell thought it was a good idea to put a

00:21:04dog in the same classroom as a cat?

00:21:05Who?

00:21:10We've been training her to be a service dog, you piece of shit.

00:21:18And that comes from how you raise your kids.

00:21:20I was raised old school.

00:21:20Can you imagine me walking home from school, going to my house, and my father asked me how

00:21:25my day was, and I'm meowing at him?

00:21:28Can you imagine?

00:21:30Hey, what's up, son?

00:21:32How was school?

00:21:33How was school?

00:21:42I said, how was school?

00:21:44Oh, you're a cat.

00:21:50Oh, that's beautiful.

00:21:52Do it again.

00:21:53Oh, come here.

00:21:55Let me show you something.

00:21:56Come here.

00:21:57I want to show you something outside.

00:22:00Now you're a stray cat, you piece of shit.

00:22:10So stupid, man.

00:22:15Scary times, man.

00:22:17And it's tough enough raising kids.

00:22:19It's tough.

00:22:20It's tough, man.

00:22:21My kids are like me.

00:22:22My daughter repeats everything.

00:22:24So I got to watch what I say constantly.

00:22:27Constantly.

00:22:27And I got to watch what my dad says to her.

00:22:30Because my dad slips a lot, and he don't realize what he's saying.

00:22:35Okay?

00:22:35A couple weeks ago, he's at my house.

00:22:37He's in the pool with the kids.

00:22:39I come outside.

00:22:40I'm like, Dad, you need anything?

00:22:41No, I'm having a good time with my grandkids.

00:22:44So my daughter's in the deep end, right?

00:22:46Well, I call it an Italian deep end.

00:22:48It's five and a half feet.

00:22:49Right?

00:22:53I can dive.

00:22:54I don't care about anyone else.

00:22:55My pool.

00:22:58My father is on the steps in the shallow end.

00:23:02My daughter goes, no, no.

00:23:03Can you come into the deep end with me?

00:23:05He goes, no, I'm comfortable over here.

00:23:07I said, no, no, can't swim.

00:23:09He goes, who told you that?

00:23:10I said, my childhood.

00:23:14I wasn't allowed to go in the water past here on your thighs.

00:23:18He goes, oh, yeah?

00:23:19Watch this, you tougher guy.

00:23:21Goes on the water, swims sideways to the other wall.

00:23:24Sideways, though, not the length of the pool.

00:23:25Comes up.

00:23:26How do you think I go over here?

00:23:27I take a hoover?

00:23:33I said, very good.

00:23:34Now swim to your granddaughter.

00:23:35I can't.

00:23:36I know, because you can't swim.

00:23:37Just admit it.

00:23:38Hadn't any of the problem, but you know I can't swim.

00:23:40I can't breathe underwater.

00:23:46That's not swimming!

00:23:48So I go inside, and all of a sudden my wife sees him on the ring camera.

00:23:53Goes, aunt, you gotta go outside.

00:23:54I said, why?

00:23:55He's teaching Gabriella how to swim.

00:23:59Mind you, my daughter's been in swim class since she was two.

00:24:01She's like a fucking dolphin in the water.

00:24:03He's gonna erase all that.

00:24:04So I run outside, and I see him with his arms out.

00:24:08She's laying across his arms.

00:24:10And he's going, okay, kick your feet now.

00:24:14Beautiful.

00:24:14Kick-a, kick-a, kick-a, kick-a, kick-a, kick-a, kick.

00:24:17Yay!

00:24:18Kick-a, kick-a, kick-a, kick-a.

00:24:19Okay.

00:24:19Now move your arms are like a doggie style.

00:24:27I said, what'd you just say?

00:24:30I'm gonna teach you your daughter how to swim.

00:24:32Yeah, no, no, no.

00:24:32What'd you tell her to do with her arms?

00:24:34Doggy style, that make you swim.

00:24:36No, doggy paddle makes you swim.

00:24:40Doggy style is how I made her, okay?

00:24:45I said, Gabrielle, I'll get inside the house.

00:24:49The kids are tough, man.

00:24:50You try to give them everything.

00:24:52But I'm learning.

00:24:53I'm learning certain things that are not worth it.

00:24:55Like vacation.

00:24:56Not worth going on vacation with little kids.

00:24:57It's not worth it.

00:24:58They shouldn't even call it a vacation.

00:25:00They should call it an aggravation relocation.

00:25:04Because all you're doing is taking the aggravation,

00:25:06you deal with that home,

00:25:07and you're bringing it closer to the equator.

00:25:08That's it.

00:25:10And you're paying for it.

00:25:12That's the funny thing.

00:25:13You pay for it.

00:25:16I also didn't know you can't get laid

00:25:18when you take little kids away.

00:25:20I don't know why.

00:25:21But every time you're in the mood,

00:25:23who can't sleep, who's having nightmares.

00:25:25I even got a two-bedroom suite.

00:25:26We went away.

00:25:27Two-bedroom suite.

00:25:28Went to the Bahamas, right?

00:25:30Beautiful resort.

00:25:30I just didn't like the layout.

00:25:32Didn't like the layout.

00:25:33Didn't appreciate the layout.

00:25:34They had the singles resort

00:25:35right next to the family resort.

00:25:37And you had to walk past the singles pool

00:25:39to get to the family pool full of piss.

00:25:41Okay?

00:25:44On my vacation, I don't need a glimpse

00:25:46on what my life could have been like.

00:25:48Okay?

00:25:50All right?

00:25:51See a bunch of people

00:25:52sitting there with no fupa,

00:25:54full metabolism,

00:25:56dancing around, happy.

00:25:58They look like they all got laid the night before.

00:26:00Girls are on guys' shoulders

00:26:01having chicken fights.

00:26:03My wife's like,

00:26:03we can do chicken fights.

00:26:04I'm like, after two kids,

00:26:05you've got no control of your bladder.

00:26:06You're going to piss right down

00:26:07the center of my back.

00:26:09One bounce, boom,

00:26:10right down the center of my back.

00:26:15But I wouldn't mind if I got laid.

00:26:17Every night I struck out.

00:26:19Finally, the last day,

00:26:20she wakes me up at 7 a.m.

00:26:22Hey, you want to have sex

00:26:23before the kids wake up?

00:26:24You thought you had to ask?

00:26:28All these years we've been together,

00:26:29have you ever asked me for sex?

00:26:30And I said,

00:26:31no, not tonight.

00:26:32I have a headache.

00:26:33My back hurts.

00:26:34My legs hurt.

00:26:35My wrists hurt.

00:26:35My nose hurts.

00:26:36My hair hurts.

00:26:37It's raining out.

00:26:38It's snowing out.

00:26:39It's dry out.

00:26:40It's humid out.

00:26:40My mom doesn't feel good.

00:26:42My father lost his job.

00:26:43My best friend got a divorce.

00:26:44I watched something scary on TV.

00:26:45I had too much ice cream.

00:26:46I'm bloated at my period.

00:26:47Have I ever said

00:26:48any of those things to you?

00:26:53You women don't need

00:26:54to seduce your men.

00:26:55You don't need romantic music.

00:26:56You don't need candlelight.

00:26:57All you got to do is look at them.

00:26:57Want to fuck?

00:26:58Yep.

00:27:00Yep.

00:27:02So I said, let's go.

00:27:03She goes, okay.

00:27:04Keep your clothes on.

00:27:05No need to get undressed.

00:27:06The kids are going to be up soon.

00:27:07You have to make it quick.

00:27:09I said, okay.

00:27:10She doesn't even know.

00:27:11She just activated rush mode.

00:27:13I have two modes

00:27:14when it comes to sex.

00:27:15All night mode.

00:27:16That's when I know

00:27:17the kids are even sleeping out.

00:27:18I'm not going to get interrupted.

00:27:19I can do everything I want to do.

00:27:20I can have it all about her.

00:27:22I can get the hips involved.

00:27:27I can raise my leg

00:27:28on different levels

00:27:28to change the angle of insertion.

00:27:31I can get scuba gear on.

00:27:33Go deep sea diving for a bit.

00:27:36But rush mode,

00:27:37I don't even care that she's there.

00:27:40My eyes are closed the whole time.

00:27:41I don't care.

00:27:42I got one goal in mind

00:27:44and that's to finish as quickly as possible

00:27:46and go on with the rest of my day.

00:27:48Okay?

00:27:48And I'm telling you right now,

00:27:49it's not going to be sexy,

00:27:50romantic, cute.

00:27:51You might look up and see this.

00:27:55I don't care.

00:27:56I know what I look like.

00:27:57I also know what noises I make.

00:27:58I sound like the Tasmanian devil.

00:28:00Okay?

00:28:01Okay?

00:28:06She stops me.

00:28:08She goes,

00:28:08stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

00:28:10I go, what?

00:28:12What are you doing?

00:28:13I'm trying to finish.

00:28:14I want to finish too.

00:28:15We don't have time for that.

00:28:17I'll get you when we go back home.

00:28:20She goes,

00:28:20at least give me a chance.

00:28:21I said,

00:28:22how am I not giving you a chance?

00:28:23She goes,

00:28:23you're going so hard and fast,

00:28:24you're making the headboard hit the wall.

00:28:25It's going to wake up the kids.

00:28:27They're going to wake up sooner.

00:28:28Plus, you're talking a lot,

00:28:29aunt.

00:28:29I don't need instructions.

00:28:30Shut up.

00:28:32And I keep telling you,

00:28:33stop putting my legs all the way back.

00:28:35I'm not flexible.

00:28:36Do you not understand?

00:28:38I said,

00:28:39I understand.

00:28:40But I get confused

00:28:41because then sometimes

00:28:42I'll walk past the bathroom

00:28:43and I'll see you sitting

00:28:44on the shower floor,

00:28:45shaving the back of your thighs

00:28:46with your fucking leg back here.

00:28:53I didn't know

00:28:53that was only for the shower.

00:28:56I said,

00:28:56but no problem.

00:28:57If I have to do that,

00:28:57I'll do that.

00:28:58Okay?

00:28:59I won't go hard.

00:28:59I won't go fast.

00:29:00I won't talk

00:29:01and I won't touch you.

00:29:02She goes,

00:29:02thank you.

00:29:03I looked like I was shivering.

00:29:19I almost get there.

00:29:21I'm almost at the finish line.

00:29:22I make the mistake

00:29:24to look to my left.

00:29:25Three-year-old son

00:29:26standing there the whole time.

00:29:30Why don't kids say anything

00:29:32unless you make eye contact?

00:29:33What is that about?

00:29:35The kid's standing there

00:29:36like a zombie.

00:29:40Now, I'm almost there.

00:29:41I'm not stopping.

00:29:42It puts me in a bad mood.

00:29:43So I got to continue to go

00:29:45and talk to my son.

00:29:47What's up, Luca?

00:29:47What's the matter, bro?

00:29:48You can't sleep?

00:29:51Now he's getting mad

00:29:52because I'm doing something

00:29:53to his mom.

00:29:53He don't know what it is.

00:29:54What are you doing

00:29:55to my mommy, daddy?

00:29:57I'm dancing.

00:30:00That was the dumbest shit

00:30:01I could have said.

00:30:01He loves to dance.

00:30:03The kid jumped on my back

00:30:05and started doing

00:30:05the same shit to me.

00:30:08Thank God he had pajamas on.

00:30:10Got me in a bear hug.

00:30:12Good morning, daddy.

00:30:14Am I doing okay, daddy?

00:30:17My wife looked up at me.

00:30:18She goes,

00:30:19Anthony!

00:30:19I go,

00:30:20oh my God,

00:30:21I forgot.

00:30:21I'm sorry.

00:30:22Luca,

00:30:22you can't go hard,

00:30:23you can't go fast,

00:30:24you can't.

00:30:29I was finishing!

00:30:36It is not easy

00:30:37to be married to me, boy.

00:30:39I got an imagination,

00:30:41smart-ass attitude,

00:30:43but whatever, man.

00:30:43You got to make fun of it.

00:30:44Listen, marriage is marriage, man.

00:30:46It'll be 10 years for me next year

00:30:47and I don't think I'm going to make it.

00:30:48Don't clap.

00:30:50Don't clap.

00:30:54I just graduated fat camp.

00:30:55It's fucking marriage.

00:30:57She already has it planned.

00:30:58Oh my God,

00:30:59can we go to Aruba

00:30:59on our 10-year anniversary,

00:31:00invite our family

00:31:01and renew our vows on the beach?

00:31:02I go, yeah.

00:31:03Do I have to give the same answer?

00:31:07I don't know how it works.

00:31:08If I say no,

00:31:09am I free to go?

00:31:13But marriage is very similar

00:31:15for a lot of us, man.

00:31:16You know,

00:31:17the only people

00:31:17that have a really good marriage

00:31:18are the people

00:31:19that lie about it

00:31:19on social media.

00:31:21Okay?

00:31:21Like the Valentine's Day posts,

00:31:23I love those.

00:31:24This is my forever,

00:31:25my only,

00:31:26the air I breathe.

00:31:27Oh,

00:31:28bullshit.

00:31:30All you women

00:31:31show your husband,

00:31:32look at these fucking liars,

00:31:33look at that.

00:31:34Guy looks at it,

00:31:35yeah,

00:31:36I know for a fact

00:31:36he's got three cool months.

00:31:37That's bullshit.

00:31:40And I hate Valentine's, man.

00:31:42Valentine's Day

00:31:42is a made-up holiday

00:31:43and all the single people

00:31:44get mad at the people

00:31:45that have someone.

00:31:46So you guys try to post shit

00:31:47online to fuck us?

00:31:48My wife looked at me,

00:31:49she was on the couch

00:31:50on Valentine's.

00:31:50She goes,

00:31:51oh my God,

00:31:51do you see this?

00:31:51Do you see this meme?

00:31:52I go,

00:31:52what is it?

00:31:53It says,

00:31:53if you trust your spouse,

00:31:55trade cell phones

00:31:56for the day.

00:32:03No.

00:32:06She goes,

00:32:06you wouldn't trade phones

00:32:07for the day?

00:32:08No.

00:32:09I wouldn't trade phone

00:32:10for an hour.

00:32:12Right away.

00:32:12She goes,

00:32:13who's the bitch?

00:32:15I said,

00:32:15why has it always

00:32:16got to be a woman?

00:32:16I said,

00:32:17actually,

00:32:17it's not a woman,

00:32:18it's ten times worse.

00:32:20She goes,

00:32:20what are you talking about?

00:32:21I said,

00:32:21Michelle,

00:32:22I'm in group chats

00:32:24with my friends

00:32:25and cousins

00:32:26and we send each other

00:32:27the sickest shit

00:32:30that if you saw it,

00:32:31you'd probably try

00:32:32to get the kids

00:32:33taken away from me.

00:32:35There's times

00:32:36I look at them

00:32:36and I'm going,

00:32:37what the fuck

00:32:37am I doing in here?

00:32:41She didn't believe me,

00:32:42so I gave her my phone.

00:32:43I said,

00:32:44here's a group chat

00:32:44that's been going

00:32:45for two years.

00:32:46It's five of my boys,

00:32:48five of my cousins.

00:32:49Have at it.

00:32:50Don't judge me.

00:32:53The first video,

00:32:56she looks,

00:32:57she goes,

00:32:58oh my God.

00:32:59It's my cousin Marco,

00:33:01295 pounds,

00:33:02covered in tattoos,

00:33:03standing in front

00:33:04of his sink

00:33:05in the bathroom

00:33:05with his dick

00:33:06tucked in between his legs.

00:33:12Behind him

00:33:12on the mirror

00:33:13written in steam

00:33:14is be my valentine.

00:33:19And you know

00:33:20he put work into it

00:33:21because he had to

00:33:21write that shit

00:33:22backwards

00:33:22so you were able

00:33:23to read it.

00:33:25And then you hit play

00:33:26and he goes,

00:33:27put the lotion

00:33:28in the basket.

00:33:32I said,

00:33:33you think that's bad?

00:33:34Stop scrolling right now.

00:33:36Then she scrolls down

00:33:38and she goes,

00:33:39I knew it,

00:33:39you pervert.

00:33:40Who's the girl

00:33:41taking a shower

00:33:41with the phenomenal ass?

00:33:42I said,

00:33:43watch the video

00:33:43until the end.

00:33:45She goes,

00:33:46oh!

00:33:47Same sound I made

00:33:47when I found out

00:33:48she had a dick.

00:33:49Same sound.

00:33:51The only difference

00:33:52is I watched it

00:33:53seven more times

00:33:53but same sound.

00:33:58Then she scrolls down

00:33:59to the good stuff

00:34:00and I know she found

00:34:02what I know she found

00:34:03because her eyes

00:34:05kept getting wider.

00:34:06She was going,

00:34:09what the fuck

00:34:10is wrong

00:34:11with you people?

00:34:12I go,

00:34:13what are you looking at?

00:34:14Why do you all

00:34:15send each other's

00:34:15pictures of your shit

00:34:16in the toilet?

00:34:20I said,

00:34:21I got a perfect

00:34:21explanation for that,

00:34:22okay?

00:34:23First of all,

00:34:24we don't just send

00:34:24a picture of our shit.

00:34:26It has to look

00:34:27like a letter.

00:34:34Every morning

00:34:34between the hours

00:34:35of 7 a.m.

00:34:36and 10 a.m.,

00:34:37everyone in the chat

00:34:38drops a deuce.

00:34:40If it looks like a letter

00:34:41and only if it looks

00:34:42like a letter,

00:34:43you send it into the chat

00:34:45and then you have

00:34:46until noon

00:34:47to make as many words

00:34:49with the letters given.

00:34:53We call it

00:34:54shitty scrabble.

00:34:57The person

00:34:58with the most words

00:34:59doesn't pay for golf

00:35:00the next week.

00:35:01I don't know

00:35:01if you care,

00:35:02I'm a three-time champion.

00:35:06She goes,

00:35:07how do you even

00:35:07shit a letter,

00:35:08aunt?

00:35:08How do you make it

00:35:09look like a letter?

00:35:09Well,

00:35:10there's a lot of work

00:35:11that goes into it,

00:35:11Michelle.

00:35:12Okay?

00:35:12Diet has a lot

00:35:13to do with it.

00:35:14You got to make sure

00:35:15it comes out soft

00:35:16and then you learn

00:35:17to use your ass

00:35:18like a soft serve

00:35:18ice cream machine.

00:35:21You have to lift a little

00:35:22off the ball.

00:35:23She goes,

00:35:24is that you

00:35:25with the capital letter Q?

00:35:28I said,

00:35:28how did you know

00:35:29that was me?

00:35:29I recognize the tiles

00:35:30in the background.

00:35:32How did you do a Q?

00:35:34A lot of coordination.

00:35:35You know,

00:35:36you got to lift up

00:35:37a little.

00:35:44Never touch my phone again.

00:35:47But listen,

00:35:47a lot of you women

00:35:48worry about the same shit.

00:35:49Like you women think

00:35:50that if you let

00:35:50your husband go out,

00:35:51that women just

00:35:52attack him nonstop.

00:35:53My wife thinks that.

00:35:54She thinks I get

00:35:55attacked by vagina

00:35:56nonstop,

00:35:56every time.

00:35:57I step off a plane

00:35:58and just women

00:35:58run up to me,

00:35:59touch it,

00:36:00touch it,

00:36:00touch it.

00:36:01And I'm sitting

00:36:02there fighting it off.

00:36:03No!

00:36:04No!

00:36:07I go,

00:36:08it's not that easy.

00:36:08What do you think?

00:36:09A bunch of women

00:36:09are going out going,

00:36:10I'm telling you right now,

00:36:11ladies,

00:36:11the first Italian I see

00:36:12five foot six

00:36:13with love handles,

00:36:14I'm banging the shit

00:36:15out of them.

00:36:20I said to her,

00:36:21here's my problem

00:36:21with that.

00:36:22You look at me

00:36:23and you see

00:36:24something irresistible

00:36:25that every woman

00:36:26wants to have sex with

00:36:27except you.

00:36:29How's that possible?

00:36:32If I'm so irresistible,

00:36:33how is it so easy

00:36:34for you to go,

00:36:34get off?

00:36:40She gets worried though,

00:36:41man.

00:36:41I'm on the road a lot.

00:36:43Went to Vegas

00:36:44a couple months ago.

00:36:45She was like,

00:36:46behave.

00:36:47I said,

00:36:47what do you mean?

00:36:48Behave,

00:36:48don't do anything stupid.

00:36:50I said,

00:36:50well,

00:36:50after nine years of marriage,

00:36:51we've established

00:36:52that we have different

00:36:52definitions of stupid.

00:36:54Okay?

00:36:55Because I just went

00:36:56on a golf trip

00:36:56and on the third hole,

00:36:57we took chocolate mushrooms

00:36:59and by the ninth hole,

00:37:00we were doing snow angels

00:37:01in the sand trap.

00:37:04You thought

00:37:04that was stupid.

00:37:06I thought,

00:37:06time of my life.

00:37:11She goes,

00:37:11you know what the fuck

00:37:12I mean.

00:37:13So I'm sitting in Vegas.

00:37:15I have a show that night.

00:37:16I'm sitting at the

00:37:17blackjack table,

00:37:17two o'clock in the afternoon

00:37:19and I look on the

00:37:20casino floor

00:37:20and I see a woman

00:37:22walking onto the

00:37:23casino floor,

00:37:24one of the hottest women

00:37:25I've ever seen in my life.

00:37:26Black hair,

00:37:27blue eyes,

00:37:28sick body.

00:37:30Lululemon pants,

00:37:31all my weakness.

00:37:34She's looking right at me

00:37:35with a stuck smile

00:37:36on her face

00:37:37and coming right

00:37:38towards me just...

00:37:41Now, fellas,

00:37:43you know

00:37:44when you see a woman

00:37:45that's a 12

00:37:46smiling at you,

00:37:48walking towards you,

00:37:49you're thinking

00:37:50what every other

00:37:51married guy is thinking.

00:37:52This bitch knows

00:37:53my wife I'm being set up.

00:37:57That's not normal.

00:37:58I don't pull 12s.

00:37:597 1⁄2s maybe,

00:37:59not 12s.

00:38:01Occasionally a 9,

00:38:01not 12s.

00:38:03Girl's got no body fat,

00:38:04no fupa,

00:38:05nothing.

00:38:07Comes up to me,

00:38:08sits down.

00:38:08She goes,

00:38:09how you doing?

00:38:09I go, good,

00:38:10how's my wife?

00:38:10Talked to her recently?

00:38:13She goes,

00:38:14I don't know your wife.

00:38:14Is that you on the poster?

00:38:15I said, it is.

00:38:16You have a show tonight?

00:38:17I do.

00:38:18Can I come?

00:38:18You can.

00:38:20She goes,

00:38:20what are you doing

00:38:20before the show?

00:38:21Play a little blackjack,

00:38:22gonna go upstairs

00:38:23take a nap.

00:38:23She goes,

00:38:24maybe I should come with you.

00:38:26I said,

00:38:27you sure you don't know my wife?

00:38:29She's like, no.

00:38:30I said,

00:38:30I'm good.

00:38:31This seems a little weird.

00:38:32She goes,

00:38:32well, I can assure you

00:38:33if you let me come upstairs

00:38:34with you,

00:38:34it'll be the best $4,000

00:38:35you've ever spent.

00:38:38No, you're working.

00:38:40I'm sorry,

00:38:41did you say $4,000?

00:38:42She goes, yeah.

00:38:43That's like $1,000 a minute.

00:38:44I'm not stupid.

00:38:47And that's if I last four minutes.

00:38:49If I last two minutes,

00:38:50that's $2,000 a minute.

00:38:50It's even worse.

00:38:52I said, I'm good, sweetheart.

00:38:53Thank you so much,

00:38:53but I cannot sleep with an escort.

00:38:55I'm good.

00:38:55She goes, okay, no problem,

00:38:56but I just want to inform you

00:38:57that it's 2023

00:38:59and we no longer enjoy

00:39:01or appreciate the word escort.

00:39:03We like to go by

00:39:04Woman of the Night.

00:39:06I said, oh, okay.

00:39:08I'd like to inform you.

00:39:09It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon,

00:39:11so I'm going to call you

00:39:12a midday putana.

00:39:21I tell my wife this story.

00:39:22She listens to the whole thing

00:39:23and goes, yeah, okay,

00:39:24you probably fucked her.

00:39:27Can't win, man.

00:39:29But marriage is a challenge

00:39:30and a lot of things change.

00:39:32A lot of things change

00:39:33and you find out

00:39:33how different you are

00:39:34along the way.

00:39:35Like, we know men and women

00:39:36are different, right?

00:39:37Men are just, like, listen,

00:39:39if your husband's an asshole,

00:39:40he's probably a 6-year-old asshole.

00:39:41We don't change much.

00:39:42But you women do things

00:39:43on purpose

00:39:44so you don't do them like us.

00:39:46And some things

00:39:47are not meant to be changed.

00:39:48Some things are meant

00:39:48to be done naturally,

00:39:49like farting.

00:39:51Just do it.

00:39:52Stop changing it.

00:39:53It's dangerous.

00:39:55Okay?

00:39:55Every guy in this entire theater

00:39:56farts exactly the same, right?

00:39:58Same sound.

00:40:02We get happy the louder it is.

00:40:04We get really happy

00:40:05the smellier it is.

00:40:06I don't know why.

00:40:07Right?

00:40:07You ever want to share

00:40:08your fart with someone?

00:40:09Right?

00:40:10Yo, bro, open your mouth.

00:40:17I smell my fart all the time.

00:40:19Love it.

00:40:20What I don't get is

00:40:21why do we smell it?

00:40:22Smells like shit.

00:40:22Almost throw up.

00:40:23Smell it again.

00:40:24I don't know why that is.

00:40:25You're driving in your car.

00:40:33Now, I know what a lot

00:40:33of you women are thinking.

00:40:34That's nasty.

00:40:35That is nasty.

00:40:36You smell your fart?

00:40:37Yep.

00:40:38And during the pandemic,

00:40:39it was helpful.

00:40:40I did it for you people.

00:40:41Okay?

00:40:42Every day I would leave my house,

00:40:43I would fart and smell it first

00:40:45because I knew if I smelled it,

00:40:46I didn't have COVID.

00:40:47I knew that.

00:40:50I gave myself a little rapid test

00:40:51before I left the house.

00:40:53Every day.

00:40:56Protect thy neighbor.

00:40:59But here's the thing

00:41:00about farting

00:41:01that you women don't realize.

00:41:02That noise that we make

00:41:03that you hate,

00:41:03it means cover your nose.

00:41:05Air quality's about to get bad.

00:41:07It's respect for you ladies.

00:41:09Why don't you give us

00:41:10the same respect?

00:41:11Huh?

00:41:12Bunch of silent-ass assassins.

00:41:15Yeah, you know

00:41:16what the fuck I'm talking about.

00:41:18How does air come out of your ass

00:41:19at seven miles an hour

00:41:20with no vibrational sound?

00:41:21How?

00:41:23My wife almost killed me

00:41:25one night in bed.

00:41:25I didn't know what to do

00:41:26because I didn't recognize the noise.

00:41:27You ever look for a noise?

00:41:29By the time I realized

00:41:30that I was almost gone.

00:41:33Eleven o'clock,

00:41:34this is the noise I hear.

00:41:51She goes, what's the matter?

00:41:52You didn't hear that?

00:41:54What did it sound like?

00:41:55Like Superman just flew over the house.

00:41:59She goes, maybe it's the TV.

00:42:00Maybe.

00:42:02Ten minutes later,

00:42:03my eyes started burning.

00:42:05She must have moved under the blanket

00:42:07and the air pocket came up.

00:42:09I'm fucking crying.

00:42:10I'm going, what the hell is going on?

00:42:12She looks at me with a straight face.

00:42:14Oh my God,

00:42:14I had pasta for Joe at my mother's house.

00:42:18That was you?

00:42:19Yeah.

00:42:21The pfft.

00:42:21Was you?

00:42:22Yeah.

00:42:23Why didn't you say anything?

00:42:24I didn't think it was going to smell.

00:42:2942 years old,

00:42:30this was your first fart.

00:42:34What are you going to do?

00:42:35It's marriage.

00:42:37Things change,

00:42:38you adapt.

00:42:39Like sex.

00:42:40Sex changes.

00:42:41Oh, sex changes.

00:42:43I'm not talking about

00:42:43how frequently it happens

00:42:44because I like breaks

00:42:45and I like to do it by myself

00:42:46once in a while,

00:42:46but it changes.

00:42:47I'm talking about how it happens.

00:42:49Very different.

00:42:50When you dated,

00:42:51fully naked.

00:42:52Almost every time you banged.

00:42:53Fully naked.

00:42:54Shoes, socks, pants, everything.

00:42:55I haven't been naked in eight years.

00:42:59It's like my wife

00:42:59preparing for a fire drill.

00:43:01Why are we dressed?

00:43:03Sometimes she'll negotiate with me.

00:43:05Hey, I had a long day with the kids.

00:43:07You mind if I just take one pant leg off?

00:43:10With my imagination?

00:43:11No.

00:43:12In my head,

00:43:13it's going to feel like

00:43:14I'm banging someone that was amputated.

00:43:15It's going to fuck me up.

00:43:17And then I need to know,

00:43:18what are you going to do with the leg?

00:43:18What are you going to pin it up

00:43:19on your thigh like a war veteran?

00:43:23I said,

00:43:23why don't we just cut the crotch

00:43:24out of all your pajamas?

00:43:25You just keep everything on.

00:43:27And then I came up with a plan.

00:43:29You guys got to write this down.

00:43:31This is going to save a lot of arguments

00:43:32because ladies,

00:43:33I know,

00:43:33I know the one thing you hate

00:43:35is when sex is the last thing

00:43:37on your mind

00:43:37and this horny bastard wants some.

00:43:39Okay?

00:43:40I know.

00:43:41But in our defense,

00:43:42we don't know when you're horny.

00:43:44It's not like God made your nipples flash.

00:43:46We don't know.

00:43:47It's easy for us.

00:43:48We have a tent in our pants.

00:43:51So I came up with a plan.

00:43:53I'm going to buy my wife

00:43:54six to seven pairs of onesie pajamas.

00:43:56But the ones with the little latch

00:43:58that comes down.

00:44:00And I told her,

00:44:01when you want it,

00:44:02leave that shit open.

00:44:05When you don't want it,

00:44:06close up shop.

00:44:07I'll sleep in the basement.

00:44:11And then sometimes she tries

00:44:12to get me to keep my clothes on.

00:44:13I don't like that.

00:44:14I like to be naked.

00:44:15One night she goes,

00:44:16hey, the kids are still out.

00:44:17We can do it.

00:44:17But leave your t-shirt on.

00:44:18That way, God forbid,

00:44:19they run in,

00:44:19you cover up and run out.

00:44:20Wait, I'm going to go

00:44:21to a neighbor's house?

00:44:24I'm going to go watch the game

00:44:24of Penis Popper

00:44:25with a t-shirt on?

00:44:28It wasn't even a t-shirt

00:44:29that I would wear out.

00:44:30It was a house shirt.

00:44:31The thing didn't fit me

00:44:31two and a half years ago.

00:44:32It just came to here.

00:44:36So I do it.

00:44:37I keep it on.

00:44:38I'm behind her,

00:44:39trying to give her my A game.

00:44:41And also trying not to look

00:44:42at myself in the mirror

00:44:43to see what I look like

00:44:43with just a t-shirt on.

00:44:45I couldn't help it.

00:44:46Stared right in the mirror.

00:44:47Started laughing my ass off.

00:44:50She turned around.

00:44:50She goes,

00:44:51are you laughing?

00:44:52Uh-huh.

00:44:53At what?

00:44:54I said,

00:44:54do you not see our reflection

00:44:55in the mirror?

00:44:56She goes, yeah.

00:44:57It doesn't look like

00:44:57you're getting banged

00:44:58by Winnie the Pooh.

00:45:02I felt like I should be

00:45:03holding a jar of honey

00:45:03in my arms.

00:45:12Then there's certain positions

00:45:13you've got to ask permission for.

00:45:15Certain positions.

00:45:15Imagine that.

00:45:16Like I had to ask her one night.

00:45:17I said, hey,

00:45:18can you get on top

00:45:18for a little bit tonight?

00:45:19She's like,

00:45:20don't make me go up there.

00:45:22I didn't tell you

00:45:23to go on the roof

00:45:24and put up Christmas lights.

00:45:26I said,

00:45:27get on top of your husband.

00:45:28I think I had vertigo.

00:45:30Since when?

00:45:33When we dated,

00:45:34I didn't have to ask.

00:45:35All I would have to do

00:45:36is lay down on the bed

00:45:37on my back

00:45:37with an erection

00:45:38and she'd come out of nowhere

00:45:40like a superhero.

00:45:46Shh.

00:45:48Hold it.

00:45:49Hold it.

00:45:49I'm going to do something.

00:45:50Hold it.

00:45:55Now you have vertigo?

00:45:59Another thing that changes

00:46:00when you dated,

00:46:02you went a long time,

00:46:03she would call her friends.

00:46:05Yo, he rocked my world.

00:46:0745 minutes straight.

00:46:09Now you go too long,

00:46:10you ruin the rest of her day.

00:46:12I was behind her one night

00:46:13for 32 minutes.

00:46:14I thought I was rocking it.

00:46:1632 minutes as a married man

00:46:18is like three hours

00:46:20and dog years, right?

00:46:22I'm sitting there.

00:46:25She turned around

00:46:26and crushed my self-esteem.

00:46:29Hey,

00:46:30give or take,

00:46:31how much long

00:46:31do you think you're going to be?

00:46:42I don't know.

00:46:43You got somewhere to go?

00:46:45No, I didn't know you were going to be this long

00:46:47so I ended up starting a load of laundry

00:46:49in the basement.

00:46:51You never go the whole cycle.

00:46:54You mind if I go down,

00:46:55I put them in the dryer

00:46:56so they don't smell like mildew?

00:47:02I love when you talk dirty to me.

00:47:05I say, yeah, go down.

00:47:07Go down.

00:47:07When you come up,

00:47:08if he's still up,

00:47:08just back into it like a parking spot.

00:47:10Matter of fact,

00:47:11since the clothes are so important,

00:47:12take the clothes out of the dryer,

00:47:13bring them up,

00:47:14I'll fold them

00:47:14and I'll stack them on your back.

00:47:19Unbelievable, man.

00:47:21Unbelievable.

00:47:23That's marriage though.

00:47:23What are you going to do?

00:47:24And she always asks me too.

00:47:26She's like,

00:47:26why are you twisted?

00:47:27Why is your brain like that?

00:47:28I said,

00:47:29I was raised by old school Italian immigrants.

00:47:31What the fuck?

00:47:31I'm traumatized inside.

00:47:33That's why my brain is like that.

00:47:35We were raised by parents

00:47:36that didn't coddle us.

00:47:37They didn't fucking put us in safe spaces.

00:47:39We were experiments, okay?

00:47:42They didn't bring us to get allergy tests.

00:47:44They would feed us

00:47:45and watch us for a while.

00:47:48Everything will look okay for now.

00:47:54My sister ate peanut butter one day.

00:47:56Her whole face blew up.

00:47:57My father thought

00:47:57she was making faces at him.

00:48:00Stop her making faces.

00:48:00Go to your room right now.

00:48:01Go to your room!

00:48:03I go,

00:48:03she's going to die up there.

00:48:04I don't think she can breathe.

00:48:06And then we'd have family come over.

00:48:07He would act like

00:48:08it was a trick she can do.

00:48:10Rosa,

00:48:10go eat the peanut butter.

00:48:11Sean could joke

00:48:12what you do with your face.

00:48:15Watch this.

00:48:15She looks like an elephant man.

00:48:16I can't believe.

00:48:17I can't believe.

00:48:24We weren't coddled, man.

00:48:26These kids have it way too easy.

00:48:29Like, I remember how my father

00:48:30would teach me how to do certain things.

00:48:31You know what my father

00:48:32taught me how to swim

00:48:33when I was seven years old

00:48:33by throwing me off my uncle's boat?

00:48:37threw me off my uncle's boat.

00:48:39And in his head,

00:48:40if it was a life or death situation,

00:48:42I would teach myself

00:48:43how to swim.

00:48:45He wasn't even nervous.

00:48:47I'm drowning in front of him.

00:48:48He looked over the boat.

00:48:49He goes,

00:48:49Hey!

00:48:49If you keep a cry,

00:48:51you're going to die.

00:48:54Stop the cry.

00:48:56Kick your feet a little bit.

00:48:58Anthony, if you die,

00:48:59you're going to miss your birthday.

00:49:04And it doesn't change, man.

00:49:06As you get older,

00:49:07they get more twisted.

00:49:08And you know what?

00:49:08I thought it was just my family.

00:49:10And then I thought it was just Italians.

00:49:11And then I started touring around the country.

00:49:13We are so much alike

00:49:14in so many ways.

00:49:16Different, but alike.

00:49:17Right?

00:49:18It's universal.

00:49:19They're geared differently.

00:49:20Like, they love guilt.

00:49:22Oh, they love guilt.

00:49:24And they're twisted.

00:49:25My father will call me 20 times.

00:49:2720 missed phone calls.

00:49:28Then he'll leave a voicemail.

00:49:29He don't know how to leave a voicemail.

00:49:31He thinks I'm listening to it

00:49:33as he's leaving it.

00:49:35Every voicemail.

00:49:36Anthony, pick up the phone.

00:49:37It's your father.

00:49:38I've got to talk to you.

00:49:39Anthony, please pick up the phone.

00:49:41Come on, you son of a bitch.

00:49:43Pick up!

00:49:45And then he thinks if he sings,

00:49:47it's going to help.

00:49:48Anthony, pick up your phone.

00:49:50It's your father.

00:49:56I finally call him back

00:49:58after 20 missed phone calls.

00:49:59Dad, what's the matter?

00:50:00You all right?

00:50:00Yeah.

00:50:01I went to go feed them

00:50:02my chickens in the backyard.

00:50:03I find the two chickens are dead.

00:50:05You know anything about this?

00:50:08No.

00:50:09If you find anything out,

00:50:10can you tell me?

00:50:11Yeah.

00:50:12I'll let you know

00:50:12after I talk to Crime Stoppers.

00:50:18Then another 20 missed phone calls

00:50:19the next day.

00:50:20Yes, Dad.

00:50:21I went to go wash my truck

00:50:22this morning

00:50:23and then this afternoon

00:50:23it started raining.

00:50:24Fucking Mother Nature.

00:50:27I said,

00:50:27what do you want me to do?

00:50:28Can you call the place

00:50:29to get my money back?

00:50:30No.

00:50:31Then he goes five days

00:50:33without calling us.

00:50:33Me, my brother, my sister.

00:50:34Nobody hears from him.

00:50:35He lives three hours from me.

00:50:37I'm the oldest.

00:50:37I get worried.

00:50:38I jump in my car,

00:50:38head up to my dad's house.

00:50:39An hour into the ride,

00:50:40he calls me out of nowhere

00:50:41like nothing's wrong.

00:50:42Hey, what's up?

00:50:43It's your father.

00:50:44Where have you been?

00:50:45I was in the emergency room

00:50:46for a couple of days.

00:50:48What?

00:50:49Yeah, I fell in the backyard.

00:50:51I twisted my ankle.

00:50:51I went to the doctor

00:50:52to make sure it was no broke.

00:50:53He did blood work.

00:50:54He found an infection in my blood.

00:50:56He sent me to the emergency room.

00:50:57They had to operate on me

00:50:58cleaning my blood.

00:50:59They said,

00:50:59if I would have never gone

00:51:00with my ankle,

00:51:01I would have probably

00:51:02died in my sleep.

00:51:07I said,

00:51:07why didn't you call anybody?

00:51:08Anthony, you know

00:51:09I don't like a body

00:51:10with bullshit.

00:51:11I said,

00:51:14I don't like a body

00:51:19Oh, let's talk about

00:51:20something important.

00:51:20You find out

00:51:20who killed your chickens?

00:51:26And the way

00:51:26they understand things, man,

00:51:28I would love to jump

00:51:29in my father's head

00:51:29one of these days.

00:51:31I'm fucked up over it.

00:51:32Like, he'll watch the news,

00:51:33he'll understand 15%.

00:51:35He'll make up the other 85%.

00:51:37Just make it up.

00:51:39He called me the other day,

00:51:40all confused.

00:51:41The way he processed this.

00:51:43I said, what's up, dad?

00:51:44I'm a little confused.

00:51:45Is everybody gay?

00:51:49I said, not everybody.

00:51:50I said, but what are you

00:51:51worried about?

00:51:51You're not on any

00:51:52gay guy's hit list.

00:51:53He goes, what are you

00:51:54talking about?

00:51:54I said, no gay guy

00:51:55wants you.

00:51:57Oh, if your father

00:51:58was gay,

00:51:58I'd probably fuck

00:51:59a lot of men.

00:52:08I said, to answer

00:52:09your question, no,

00:52:09not everybody's gay.

00:52:10Why?

00:52:11I just want to be careful

00:52:12because I want to know

00:52:13where's this closet

00:52:14that they all come out of.

00:52:20You think it's one closet?

00:52:22You walk in straight,

00:52:23you come out gay?

00:52:25I'm going to see

00:52:25if they have a large.

00:52:26I'll be right back.

00:52:27Oh my God,

00:52:28it's so nice in there.

00:52:30I said, it's not how it works.

00:52:32He goes, I don't know,

00:52:33Anthony, I see a lot of things

00:52:34I never seen before.

00:52:35Like, I was at the bank today,

00:52:36I see two women online

00:52:37who hold their hands.

00:52:38I was thinking

00:52:39it was a mother and daughter.

00:52:40Then they started

00:52:41kissing each other

00:52:41with a tongue.

00:52:43I said, they were gay.

00:52:44I know, but that was

00:52:45the first time

00:52:46I was so close

00:52:47to two Lebanese.

00:52:52I can guarantee you

00:52:53two things.

00:52:54Number one,

00:52:54they were lesbians.

00:52:55Number two,

00:52:56definitely not from Lebanon.

00:53:01They're out of their minds, man.

00:53:03But they're amazing people.

00:53:05Like, we have fun with my dad.

00:53:06You know,

00:53:07because now I make money doing it.

00:53:08When I was a kid,

00:53:09I'd get my ass kicked.

00:53:10If I didn't understand them,

00:53:12it was my fault,

00:53:12not his.

00:53:13I was 17 years old.

00:53:14I almost got the worst beating

00:53:15of my life.

00:53:16Because he comes

00:53:17downstairs one day.

00:53:17I said, what's the matter?

00:53:18I'm just too nervous,

00:53:19Anthony, please.

00:53:19I don't want to talk

00:53:20to nobody.

00:53:21I said, what's the matter?

00:53:22I gotta go do something.

00:53:23I don't want to talk.

00:53:25I've never seen my dad

00:53:26so nervous.

00:53:26I said, what's the matter?

00:53:29I gotta go get

00:53:30a hem on rye, okay?

00:53:31I never have a hem on rye

00:53:33in my life.

00:53:34I said, just toast the bread

00:53:35and put mustard on it.

00:53:37Beat the shit out of me.

00:53:40Okay?

00:53:40After my beating,

00:53:41my mother told me

00:53:42he had an MRI

00:53:43that he had to do.

00:53:46I didn't know.

00:53:52I started laughing hysterical.

00:53:54I didn't even care

00:53:54about the ass kicking.

00:53:58But we had fun

00:53:59with him, man.

00:54:00Like, my father

00:54:00called me the other day.

00:54:01I had my kids in the car.

00:54:02Right?

00:54:03I like to break his balls.

00:54:04He's a good sport.

00:54:05And he goes,

00:54:05oh, I find out

00:54:07that a lot of people

00:54:08take the same medication

00:54:09I take for the diabetes

00:54:11to lose a weight.

00:54:12I said, yeah, I heard.

00:54:14He goes,

00:54:14and they pay $1,000 a shot.

00:54:16I said, I know.

00:54:18And Medicare pay for mine.

00:54:19I don't pay nothing.

00:54:20You're not selling,

00:54:21you're not selling

00:54:22diabetes medication.

00:54:24Come on,

00:54:25just a little bit.

00:54:26No, you're not doing it.

00:54:28So my daughter goes,

00:54:30Daddy, can I ask him

00:54:31what the name is?

00:54:32And my wife right away,

00:54:33stop it.

00:54:35Because my dad,

00:54:36the only way he remembers

00:54:37the name of the medication,

00:54:38he has to sing

00:54:39the commercial out loud.

00:54:42So I said,

00:54:43let her do it.

00:54:44She goes, fine,

00:54:45but this is mean.

00:54:46She goes, no, no?

00:54:48Yeah, Gabriella.

00:54:49What's the name

00:54:50of the medication?

00:54:51I keep forgetting.

00:54:53It's, uh,

00:54:54ho, ho, ho,

00:54:56ho, Zampik.

00:54:58You know.

00:55:08Oh, my God, man.

00:55:11But the funny thing is, man,

00:55:12a lot of us were raised

00:55:13like that.

00:55:14You know,

00:55:14and it's not,

00:55:15like I said,

00:55:15it's not Italians, man.

00:55:17And a lot of people think

00:55:18you've got to be Italian

00:55:18to come to my show.

00:55:19I don't know

00:55:19who spread that rumor.

00:55:20You don't have to be.

00:55:21It helps,

00:55:22but you don't have to be.

00:55:23You don't have to be.

00:55:24Lady came up to me,

00:55:25she was like,

00:55:26oh, my God,

00:55:26do I have to be Italian

00:55:27to come to your show?

00:55:28I go, no,

00:55:28but if you say it like that,

00:55:29someone's going to punch you

00:55:30in the face.

00:55:31I don't know

00:55:32what an Italian is.

00:55:33What are we,

00:55:33an Apple product?

00:55:38We're raised very similar.

00:55:39Right?

00:55:40Like, these kids

00:55:40don't know how lucky they are.

00:55:42They don't.

00:55:43Our parents didn't fuck around.

00:55:45Okay?

00:55:46And our parents

00:55:47did something to us

00:55:48that it's almost impossible to do.

00:55:51I'm not going to tell you,

00:55:53I'm going to show you.

00:55:54Round of applause

00:55:55if you were hit as a kid.

00:56:05See how proud they made us

00:56:07that we got our ass kicked?

00:56:10Isn't that amazing?

00:56:11When you were eight years old

00:56:12getting a beating,

00:56:13did you ever sit there

00:56:14and go,

00:56:14I know this sucks now,

00:56:15but one day I'm going to clap

00:56:16that was a victim of child abuse.

00:56:19They make us appreciate it.

00:56:22And let me tell you something,

00:56:23I realize now

00:56:24why they use the weapons

00:56:26that they used.

00:56:27Because if we ever

00:56:28called the cops

00:56:29and made a police report,

00:56:30the cops would never

00:56:31fucking believe us.

00:56:33They're sitting there going,

00:56:34okay, so you're saying

00:56:35you got all those bruises

00:56:36from a wooden spoon.

00:56:39I find that pretty hard

00:56:40to believe, son.

00:56:42And it says here

00:56:43you hid behind the couch

00:56:44and the shoe still hit you.

00:56:48Wow.

00:56:51And I, it says you got hit

00:56:53by a broom,

00:56:54but it also says

00:56:55you're the one

00:56:55that gave it to him.

00:56:56Why'd you do that?

00:56:59And the worst was the belt.

00:57:01Oh, remember this shit?

00:57:05How did they all know

00:57:06how to do this?

00:57:07They didn't have email.

00:57:10What, one immigrant

00:57:10call everybody?

00:57:12Hey, you want to,

00:57:13you want to make

00:57:13your kids a shit that pants?

00:57:14Take off your belt.

00:57:15I want to show you something.

00:57:19And my father would show me

00:57:21I was getting hit with the belt.

00:57:22He wouldn't say it

00:57:22because he didn't want

00:57:23anybody knowing.

00:57:24He would show me

00:57:25with one motion.

00:57:26He would see me

00:57:27with a group of friends.

00:57:28Anthony,

00:57:29keep playing with your friends.

00:57:30Have fun.

00:57:30And when I get you home,

00:57:31I'm going to have

00:57:31a little fun with you.

00:57:34What am I going to do?

00:57:41My American friends are like,

00:57:42dude, I think your father

00:57:42has Parkinson's disease.

00:57:47But here's what pisses me off.

00:57:49Not that I got hit.

00:57:50I deserved it 90% of the time.

00:57:52What pisses me off

00:57:53is those same people

00:57:54that didn't have patience with us,

00:57:56that beat our ass,

00:57:58become grandparents

00:57:59and become the most loving people

00:58:00you've ever seen in your life.

00:58:03Where was that love with us?

00:58:05I smacked my daughter

00:58:06in the ass one night.

00:58:07My father almost flipped out.

00:58:09Hey!

00:58:10No touch, you kids.

00:58:11I don't like that shit.

00:58:16What, did you go to rehab?

00:58:20What did you say,

00:58:21Captain Child Abuse?

00:58:22I didn't hear you.

00:58:24No touch, you kids,

00:58:25because if you touch them,

00:58:26they're going to grow up

00:58:27and you're supposed to screw up in the head.

00:58:28You don't say.

00:58:31Is that why I sit in my basement

00:58:32dressed up as an old Italian lady

00:58:33and make videos?

00:58:43Crazy, man.

00:58:44But none of us

00:58:45will ever trade our childhood,

00:58:46because we are who we are today

00:58:48because of how we were raised.

00:58:49But you got to admit,

00:58:50there's some fucked up people.

00:58:52Oh, they're twisted, man.

00:58:54And they don't change.

00:58:55My father still has the same habits.

00:58:57My father doesn't even know how to whisper.

00:58:58He thinks if he puts his hand

00:58:58in front of his mouth,

00:58:59nobody can hear him.

00:59:00We were at a restaurant,

00:59:01some lady behind him

00:59:02who's chewing loud.

00:59:03Turns around and he goes,

00:59:04my God.

00:59:06My business bitch,

00:59:07I chew like a cow.

00:59:12She got up,

00:59:12gave him the finger.

00:59:13He goes, God bless,

00:59:14she got very good ears.

00:59:15Oh, my God.

00:59:16Oh, my God.

00:59:23They think everybody's

00:59:24out to sabotage them.

00:59:26My father thinks

00:59:26the cable company's after him.

00:59:28Calls me once a week.

00:59:29Henry, Verizon,

00:59:30try to screw your father again.

00:59:32I said,

00:59:33Verizon doesn't even know

00:59:34who you are.

00:59:35No?

00:59:35Then explain to me this.

00:59:37How come I just

00:59:38get off at the phone with them,

00:59:39I said,

00:59:39go fuck yourself.

00:59:41I hang up,

00:59:42I go in the living room,

00:59:43and my remote control

00:59:44is no work.

00:59:48What do you think,

00:59:49shut it off?

00:59:51I said,

00:59:51your battery died.

00:59:52What do you think you saw?

00:59:53I know so.

00:59:54Your batteries are dead.

00:59:54Go get new batteries.

00:59:55I got a new battery.

00:59:56Can you send me something

00:59:57so I'm not going to bother you?

00:59:58Yeah, what size?

00:59:59Hold on.

01:00:01Energizer.

01:00:01Not the size.

01:00:03Not the size.

01:00:04I said,

01:00:05turn the battery.

01:00:05You'll see two or three letters.

01:00:06That's the size.

01:00:07Okay, hold on, hold on.

01:00:08All right, it's right here.

01:00:09Energizer, size.

01:00:10Ah, ah, ah.

01:00:22I said,

01:00:22did he just sound out triple A?

01:00:26I said,

01:00:27what did you say?

01:00:28It's a three letter A,

01:00:29and then he,

01:00:29ha, ha, ha.

01:00:32I said,

01:00:33that's not how you say it.

01:00:34No?

01:00:34No.

01:00:35How do you pronounce?

01:00:36I go get my own battery.

01:00:37I just don't want to embarrass myself.

01:00:39I said,

01:00:40no, I'll teach you how to say it.

01:00:41It's very easy,

01:00:41that it's three A's.

01:00:42It's eh.

01:00:46I didn't think he was going to do it.

01:00:50He called me two hours later,

01:00:51pissed.

01:00:52Hey,

01:00:53I went to the store,

01:00:53these people are fucking stupid like you,

01:00:55don't believe it.

01:00:57I said,

01:00:57what did you do?

01:00:58I went over there to the first guy,

01:00:59I said,

01:01:00excuse me,

01:01:00you got an energizer,

01:01:01battery size,

01:01:02eh, eh, eh.

01:01:07He tell me,

01:01:09oh,

01:01:09I think you need a triple A.

01:01:10I said,

01:01:11fuck you,

01:01:11my truck,

01:01:11it's a brand new.

01:01:15I said,

01:01:16let me speak it to somebody else.

01:01:17I grabbed a young kid,

01:01:19I said,

01:01:19excuse me,

01:01:19younger man,

01:01:20you got an energizer,

01:01:21battery size,

01:01:22eh, eh, eh.

01:01:24He started crying.

01:01:25I said,

01:01:26why you cry?

01:01:27He said,

01:01:28why you making fun of me?

01:01:33I said,

01:01:33how the hell I know

01:01:35you got a study problem?

01:01:37I don't even know you.

01:01:40I got no time for this shit.

01:01:41Let me speak it to one of you,

01:01:43manager.

01:01:47He's out of his mind.

01:01:50There's certain shit

01:01:51my father says sometimes.

01:01:52I can't predict it.

01:01:53I don't even expect it.

01:01:55And it traumatizes you

01:01:56because I don't know

01:01:58how his brain works.

01:02:00He's at my house one night.

01:02:01We're playing poker.

01:02:02We're talking.

01:02:03He's in the living room.

01:02:04My friend started asking me

01:02:05stupid questions

01:02:05because we're men

01:02:06and we're stupid.

01:02:07My friend goes,

01:02:08yo, bro,

01:02:08for a million dollars,

01:02:09would you let a guy

01:02:10take care of you

01:02:10from the back?

01:02:11I said, yeah.

01:02:13I don't even know

01:02:13why you started so high.

01:02:14You could have locked me

01:02:15in at $150,000.

01:02:20We're experiencing

01:02:21tough times right now, bro.

01:02:24He said, all right,

01:02:25for a million dollars,

01:02:25would you let a guy

01:02:26go down on you?

01:02:26Yeah, he's doing it.

01:02:27Not me.

01:02:28I have imagination.

01:02:29I can think of something else.

01:02:31He goes, all right,

01:02:31hot shot.

01:02:32What if you're making out

01:02:33with a woman

01:02:33that gets hot and heavy,

01:02:34you take off her pants?

01:02:35She's got a piece of deal.

01:02:38A million dollars,

01:02:38you still have sex with her?

01:02:39Nope.

01:02:40Two million.

01:02:41Nope.

01:02:41Has nothing to do

01:02:42with the money.

01:02:42If that's bigger than mine,

01:02:43I can't emotionally

01:02:44overcome that.

01:02:46My father jumps

01:02:47out of the living room,

01:02:48pissed off.

01:02:49Hey!

01:02:50What do you mean

01:02:50to no?

01:02:53I said, you would do it?

01:02:54I'd do it right now

01:02:54for $500.

01:02:58I said, I don't think

01:02:59you understood the question.

01:03:01I understand the question,

01:03:02Anthony.

01:03:02I'm a no stupid.

01:03:03You kiss a DC girl,

01:03:04you take off the pants,

01:03:05you find out she's got

01:03:06a piece of deal,

01:03:07and now she's just

01:03:08one of these

01:03:09transmissional people.

01:03:09So?

01:03:14I said, who said

01:03:14she was a mechanic?

01:03:17So you're telling me,

01:03:18even knowing she has a penis,

01:03:19you're going to still do it?

01:03:20Yes, because you use

01:03:21your imagination,

01:03:22it's making you feel

01:03:23very good as a man.

01:03:25I regret to this day

01:03:26asking him what

01:03:27he was talking about.

01:03:29Because he couldn't explain it,

01:03:30he had to show me.

01:03:33He goes, first of all,

01:03:34you've got to do from the back,

01:03:35because my stuff

01:03:35cannot touch her stuff,

01:03:36that's disgusting.

01:03:38I'm not going to have

01:03:38our balls

01:03:39clicky-clacky,

01:03:40clicky-clacky.

01:03:43Then you start

01:03:44like you normally do,

01:03:45back and forth,

01:03:46nice, easy,

01:03:47taking your time.

01:03:50When you get excited,

01:03:52you want to reach around

01:03:53and grab the transmission,

01:03:54a piece of deal.

01:03:58When you grab the transmission,

01:03:59a piece of deal,

01:04:00close your eyes,

01:04:01and I guarantee

01:04:02you feel like

01:04:03your piece of deal

01:04:04is so big

01:04:04it came out

01:04:05the other side.

01:04:24I didn't know

01:04:24what I wanted to do first,

01:04:25throw up or go home

01:04:26with a zucchini

01:04:26and try it with my wife.

01:04:29Made sense.

01:04:32They're out of their minds,

01:04:33man.

01:04:34And we're going to end up

01:04:35just like them.

01:04:36Like, my whole family

01:04:37is very observant.

01:04:39Very observant.

01:04:40Right?

01:04:40Like, I have aunts,

01:04:4180 years old,

01:04:42they don't miss a beat.

01:04:43They'll come to family parties,

01:04:44notice something,

01:04:45crush your soul.

01:04:47Like, I got a cousin Maria,

01:04:48three kids with three

01:04:49different fathers.

01:04:50Right?

01:04:51My 80-something-year-old aunt,

01:04:52don't give a shit

01:04:53what she says,

01:04:54so I hang out with her

01:04:55a lot for material.

01:04:58So she comes to a party

01:04:59with the newborn.

01:05:00Marie, come over.

01:05:02This baby too new?

01:05:04I think it was a purse.

01:05:07She goes, yeah, yeah,

01:05:08this is Angelo,

01:05:08he's six months.

01:05:09God bless him,

01:05:10my God,

01:05:10the beautiful.

01:05:12Ma, can I ask you a question?

01:05:14Mind you know,

01:05:14my business,

01:05:16why you kids

01:05:17don't look the same?

01:05:20She goes, well,

01:05:21they have,

01:05:22they all have different fathers.

01:05:23All three,

01:05:24different fathers.

01:05:25It's very nice.

01:05:26You take this,

01:05:27you share it with everybody.

01:05:35And you become like that.

01:05:37The problem is,

01:05:38now I'm too observant.

01:05:39There's certain things

01:05:40I want to ignore,

01:05:41but I can't.

01:05:41I pay attention to them.

01:05:42Like flying,

01:05:43I pay attention

01:05:44to all the bullshit announcements.

01:05:45It's hard to ignore.

01:05:47Okay, it bothers,

01:05:48it ruins my flights.

01:05:50Okay, one day

01:05:50it was just boom, boom, boom,

01:05:51one after the other.

01:05:52Like I had to call

01:05:53to change my flight.

01:05:54That's where it started.

01:05:55Have you ever called anything

01:05:56after nine o'clock

01:05:57in this country?

01:05:58And you press one for English?

01:05:59You don't get it.

01:06:02I don't mind someone

01:06:04with an accent,

01:06:04but at least tell me

01:06:05your real name.

01:06:05Let's start off

01:06:06on the right foot.

01:06:08I called Delta one night.

01:06:09I pressed one for English.

01:06:11Guy picked up.

01:06:12Hello, thank you

01:06:13for calling Delta.

01:06:16How can I help you?

01:06:17My name is Kevin.

01:06:18No, it's not.

01:06:23If your name is Kevin,

01:06:24my name is Mohammed.

01:06:28I said,

01:06:28you have anything

01:06:28going back to New York

01:06:29right now?

01:06:29It's an emergency.

01:06:30Not right now,

01:06:31so maybe tomorrow

01:06:31at six o'clock.

01:06:32J.K.

01:06:32I got to have him in Newark, please.

01:06:34You want to rewind that,

01:06:34Kevin?

01:06:35I'm playing in slow-mo.

01:06:37There was a time

01:06:38I called the business

01:06:39for my dad.

01:06:39Indian guy started

01:06:40talking that fast.

01:06:41I gave the phone

01:06:41to my father.

01:06:42You two battle this out.

01:06:44Let me see

01:06:45how this is going to end.

01:06:47Two minutes,

01:06:47my father flipped out.

01:06:48I felt so bad

01:06:49for the guy

01:06:49on the other line.

01:06:50He must have been

01:06:51so confused.

01:06:53Excuse me!

01:06:54Can you stop and talk?

01:06:56I don't understand

01:06:56the nothing you say.

01:06:58I don't know

01:06:59if anybody ever tells you,

01:07:00you got a very heavy ox hand.

01:07:04I don't want to be rude

01:07:05to disrespect you, mate.

01:07:06It's impossible

01:07:07I can speak to somebody

01:07:08and talk English

01:07:08a little more better than you.

01:07:11I said,

01:07:12I don't think you're qualified

01:07:13to ask that question.

01:07:18Then I board the plane.

01:07:20Boom!

01:07:20As soon as I board,

01:07:21lady hits me

01:07:22with the emergency exit seat.

01:07:24Right?

01:07:24Like, you work for them now.

01:07:26I realized the way

01:07:27to get them to change your seat.

01:07:29Speak with an accent,

01:07:30act like an immigrant,

01:07:31make believe you don't know

01:07:31what the fuck is going on.

01:07:33Scare enough people around you.

01:07:35Mr. Odea,

01:07:36you're sitting in an emergency exit seat

01:07:37in the event of an emergency,

01:07:38are you willing to help everyone

01:07:39on board before you help yourself?

01:07:40Yeah, I think so.

01:07:41I got no problem with this.

01:07:44I want to take a nap,

01:07:45but now I got to go to work.

01:07:47Oh my God.

01:07:51It's just so funny you asking me

01:07:52because this morning

01:07:53when I wake up,

01:07:54I said to myself,

01:07:55today I want to be a hero.

01:07:58Yeah.

01:07:59Now I'm very excited.

01:08:01I hope the plane will crash.

01:08:02I want to help people.

01:08:08Then the turbulence announcement.

01:08:10If we're not going to die,

01:08:11then don't even leave an announcement.

01:08:13Just let it rock.

01:08:14Okay?

01:08:14Let the plane shake.

01:08:15We'll get over it.

01:08:16Because when you leave an announcement,

01:08:17it's too pleasant.

01:08:18We get nervous.

01:08:20Okay?

01:08:20Why is he so happy

01:08:21about the plane shaking?

01:08:22Just leave it alone.

01:08:23But if you want to scare us,

01:08:24get an immigrant to do it

01:08:25because they're very dramatic

01:08:26and they love giving bad news.

01:08:28Get one of my uncles

01:08:29to pick up the mic.

01:08:30Soon as you hit turbulence.

01:08:32Ladies and gentlemen,

01:08:32I got to talk with you.

01:08:33Holy shit, mother God.

01:08:37I don't know what's going on,

01:08:39but I promise you

01:08:39I don't touch nothing.

01:08:43In the next five or ten minutes,

01:08:44this whole plane

01:08:45is going to shake it

01:08:45like a son of a bitch.

01:08:47And I don't think

01:08:48we're going to make it!

01:08:53The water landing announcement

01:08:54is the worst.

01:08:55I laugh every time I hear it.

01:08:57I don't understand.

01:08:58They think everyone fails physics.

01:09:00In the event of a water landing,

01:09:01please locate your life jacket

01:09:02under your chair.

01:09:04Pull it over your head

01:09:05and make sure

01:09:06the indicator light is blinking.

01:09:08And then simply tighten the strap,

01:09:10pull the tab to inflate,

01:09:11or gently blow into the tubes

01:09:14to inflate your vest.

01:09:19While I'm shitting my pants?

01:09:25Who's going to be that calm

01:09:26and have enough oxygen

01:09:27in their lungs

01:09:27to inflate a vest?

01:09:29You're falling into the ocean.

01:09:31You're going to be bugging out.

01:09:33Oh, my God!

01:09:39Where the fuck is the vest?

01:09:42Oh, my God!

01:09:44Oh, my God, no!

01:09:46No!

01:09:59Who the fuck is doing that?

01:10:03Oh.

01:10:05Bring my uncle out.

01:10:07Bring him out

01:10:08to explain to everybody

01:10:09what's going to happen

01:10:10when we hit the ocean.

01:10:11Ladies and gentlemen,

01:10:12I'm going to talk to you again.

01:10:15God forbid,

01:10:16the plane crash to the ocean,

01:10:19we're going to probably be going

01:10:21like 500, 600 miles an hour.

01:10:24I don't know if you know,

01:10:26that's very fucking fast.

01:10:30And when the plane hit the ocean,

01:10:32we're going to come

01:10:34to a complete stop.

01:10:37And because of the speed,

01:10:39a couple of things

01:10:40are going to happen to you.

01:10:42Number one,

01:10:43your head and your arm

01:10:44are going to fly off your body.

01:10:49The person who's sitting behind you

01:10:51is going to fly through your seat

01:10:54and be right inside your ass.

01:10:58And everybody on the plane

01:10:59are going to get

01:11:00a really bad whippersplash.

01:11:07I'd fly that airlines all the time.

01:11:11But I'm going to leave you

01:11:12with some really great advice.

01:11:13You get a big laugh

01:11:14if you do this.

01:11:14And really do this.

01:11:15I'm not even joking.

01:11:16Really do this.

01:11:17If you have immigrants in your family,

01:11:19or you have friends

01:11:20with immigrants in theirs,

01:11:21smoke weed with them.

01:11:23Smoke weed with an immigrant, man.

01:11:25I'm telling you.

01:11:25Don't do edibles.

01:11:27I didn't know they were stronger.

01:11:28My father's still not fully recovered.

01:11:33I gave him an edible one night.

01:11:34I said,

01:11:35take this before you go to bed.

01:11:36When you wake up in the morning,

01:11:37your joints will feel better.

01:11:38I woke up at 4.30 in the morning,

01:11:39the 18 missed phone calls.

01:11:44I called him back.

01:11:44I said,

01:11:45Dad,

01:11:45what the fuck are you giving me?

01:11:49I said,

01:11:50what's the matter?

01:11:50What's the matter?

01:11:51You don't even know

01:11:52the night I just have.

01:11:55I took this thing

01:11:56at 9 o'clock.

01:11:589.30,

01:11:59I went in the backyard

01:11:59to feed my chickens.

01:12:01May you believe

01:12:02I was able to understand

01:12:03everything my chickens were saying?

01:12:11I said,

01:12:12what?

01:12:14Yeah.

01:12:15No laugh.

01:12:15I was over there for three hours

01:12:17talking to fucking chicken.

01:12:20And I learned a couple of things.

01:12:21Number one,

01:12:22the Russo,

01:12:22they speak Italian.

01:12:23I never know.

01:12:25Number two,

01:12:27the chicken,

01:12:27they don't even know

01:12:28what coming first,

01:12:29the chicken or the egg.

01:12:31And number three,

01:12:32you believe

01:12:33one of my chicken,

01:12:34it's a homosexual?

01:12:37I said,

01:12:37I'm probably going to regret asking this,

01:12:38but how do you know

01:12:39a chicken's gay?

01:12:40Because you make a different noise,

01:12:41Anthony,

01:12:41what's the matter with you?

01:12:43The other chicken,

01:12:43they go,

01:12:45this one and go,

01:12:50I said,

01:12:51when you started talking

01:12:52to your chickens

01:12:52and understanding them,

01:12:53why didn't you call me?

01:12:54I tried to call you.

01:12:56It took me three hours

01:12:57to realize I was to try

01:12:58to call you

01:12:58at the remote control.

01:13:02So be careful

01:13:03with the edibles.

01:13:04But you can smoke weed,

01:13:05smoke weed with my father

01:13:06in Florida.

01:13:07Rented a beautiful house

01:13:08on the water,

01:13:09had me,

01:13:09my brother,

01:13:10my cousins,

01:13:10my father,

01:13:11a couple friends,

01:13:12and my father's complaining

01:13:13about his arthritis.

01:13:15Oh,

01:13:16this arthritis

01:13:17is killing me.

01:13:18I said,

01:13:18why don't you try smoking weed?

01:13:19Why,

01:13:20the weed didn't make me

01:13:20forget about my arthritis?

01:13:22I said,

01:13:22you smoke the right weed,

01:13:23you forget you have legs.

01:13:26He goes,

01:13:27you go get me some,

01:13:27I want to forget

01:13:28that I got a leg.

01:13:30So I go get the weed,

01:13:31I should have made,

01:13:32I should have checked

01:13:32how strong it was.

01:13:33It was too strong

01:13:33for any of us.

01:13:35We smoke,

01:13:36ten minutes later

01:13:36we're paralyzed,

01:13:37nobody can move.

01:13:40My father stands up

01:13:41on the dock,

01:13:41scares the shit

01:13:42out of all of us.

01:13:44Shut up!

01:13:48I didn't say anything.

01:13:49Shut up!

01:13:52I didn't say anything.

01:13:55I think there's a dolphin

01:13:56stuck underneath the dock.

01:14:00I said,

01:14:00what?

01:14:01Yeah,

01:14:01I hear it,

01:14:02it sounds like

01:14:02it's a panic.

01:14:04It's a,

01:14:06you don't believe in me,

01:14:07come over here.

01:14:08I walk near my father

01:14:09on the dock,

01:14:10I put my ear into the dock,

01:14:11I hear the same thing.

01:14:12I look at my boys,

01:14:13I go,

01:14:13bro,

01:14:14there's a fucking dolphin

01:14:14under the dock.

01:14:18For ten minutes

01:14:19we're on the dock

01:14:19waiting for the dolphin

01:14:20high off our ass.

01:14:22My little brother

01:14:22comes out of the house

01:14:23who didn't smoke

01:14:24and thank God

01:14:24because we'd still be there.

01:14:26He goes,

01:14:27aunt,

01:14:27what's going on?

01:14:27I said,

01:14:28bro,

01:14:28there's a dolphin

01:14:29stuck underneath the dock.

01:14:30What?

01:14:30Yeah,

01:14:31it's bugging out.

01:14:31It's going,

01:14:33he goes,

01:14:34come over here.

01:14:35I said,

01:14:35what?

01:14:36How much did you smoke?

01:14:37Not a lot,

01:14:38not a lot.

01:14:39You assholes don't realize

01:14:40that sound's coming

01:14:40from the ceiling fan?

01:14:47I never felt dumber

01:14:48in my life.

01:14:49I looked up,

01:14:50the whole fan was going,

01:14:50ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

01:14:52I go to turn it off.

01:14:53It goes,

01:14:54ah, ah, ah, ah.

01:14:56My father jumped in the water.

01:14:59The last thing you heard,

01:15:00he's not going to make it.

01:15:04Thank God the water

01:15:05was low tide

01:15:06and only up to his chest

01:15:07because he can't swim.

01:15:08But he couldn't feel his legs

01:15:09so he started drowning.

01:15:10He thought he was drowning.

01:15:11I looked over the dock.

01:15:13He was crying hysterical.

01:15:14I'm dying laughing.

01:15:16I'm going,

01:15:17Dad, you all right?

01:15:20Please do what I got to do.

01:15:21I don't want to die.

01:15:22I said,

01:15:23Dad,

01:15:23if you keep a cry,

01:15:25you're going to die.

01:15:29And if you die,

01:15:30you're going to miss

01:15:30your birthday.

01:15:33Paramount,

01:15:33you guys have been

01:15:34a hell of a crowd.

01:15:59Hold on,

01:16:00hold on,

01:16:01script.

01:16:02I think my mini-me

01:16:03has something.

01:16:03You guys want to say something?

01:16:04Go ahead.

01:16:05Thank you,

01:16:06Long Island.

01:16:07Thank you, guys.

01:16:44Thank you, guys.

01:16:45Bye-bye.

01:16:46See you next time.

01:16:48Bye-bye.

01:16:50Bye.

01:16:55Bye-bye.

01:17:03Bye-bye.

01:17:05We'll see you next time.

Anthony Rodia - Totally Relatable (24)

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