- 8 minutes ago
First broadcast 20th March 2009.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Jimmy Carr
David Mitchell
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Jimmy Carr
David Mitchell
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Oh, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, and welcome, welcome to QI, where this week, this week our food for thought
00:10is food.
00:11Surfing on a smorgasbord of succulents, ce soir is our delicious panel.
00:17The rarest of truffles, David Mitchell.
00:22The choicest of cups, Rich Hall.
00:27The strangest of fruits, Jimmy Carr.
00:34And something furry that's fallen down the gap between the oven and the dishwasher, Alan Davis.
00:45Well, now, we're all sitting comfortably, so let's ring for service.
00:48David goes.
00:50Jimmy goes.
00:54Rich goes.
00:59Alan goes.
01:07Right, now, before we tuck in, I've had a tongue down your, I've put a tongue.
01:14I've, you will find the tongue, I've tongue, I've put a tongue, is there a tongue under there?
01:19You see?
01:20Is this what you're referring to?
01:22There's a tongue, that is actually what's known as a tongue map.
01:25And during the course of this evening's festivities, I would like you to fill in the areas of the tongue
01:31that are responsible for which flavours.
01:33You may know a certain number of flavours that the tongue can detect.
01:37So you're saying that each area is a different area of taste?
01:40So if you had that bit of your tongue, you know, lopped off, you wouldn't be able to taste certain
01:45stuff.
01:46That's the theory of a tongue map.
01:48But there are only five things that a tongue can detect.
01:51How does the, uh, food know where to go?
01:58Well, anyway, while you're thinking about that, let's have a question.
02:02What kind of animal can you eat without killing it?
02:07Which?
02:08Crabs, unintentionally.
02:12In the south.
02:14Yeah.
02:15In the deep south, in the bayou.
02:17On the bayou.
02:18On the bayou.
02:19Yeah, uh-huh, yeah.
02:21Uh, freshwater mussels, they just...
02:23pick them right out of the water, and they'll have these tiny pink crabs crawling on them,
02:27and they're considered a delicacy, and they're alive.
02:30They're alive when you swallow them.
02:31These are things you can eat fully, in animal foodstuff, but you don't kill the animal.
02:36So something that sort of comes through like sweet corn, except it's still running around.
02:42Is that what you're saying?
02:43No.
02:44No, I'm not saying it passes through the entire heart.
02:47It comes through the digestive system.
02:48Oh, right.
02:48No, no, this...
02:49But it stays in you, and this sets up a community.
02:51Whatever they put in Yakult.
02:54Well, they cheer on about that, don't they?
02:56Yes, Bifidus Digestival, or L-Cassi Amunitas.
02:59How stupid do they think we are?
03:01Don't you know these things?
03:02I'm so impressed.
03:03Well, that's why I spend a lot of time watching television.
03:05Yeah.
03:05And listening to the new made-up science is very entertaining.
03:08I love the made-up science where they go,
03:09do you want to buy a tiny pot of off-milk?
03:12Yes.
03:14It's always such a good deal.
03:15Just try it for nine weeks, and then if you don't feel better, then give up.
03:19Because actually, if everyone tries it for nine weeks, we're in the money.
03:21And do ladies sit around discussing bloating a lot?
03:25Is that a thing that happens in the air?
03:28If there are ladies watching this, and they've been talking about bloating,
03:31haven't they tried farting like a doctor?
03:36Because it works remarkably well for me.
03:38Well, they're trying to get someone to pull their finger.
03:41Lady bloating.
03:41Lady bloating is different, I believe.
03:43Oh, they bloat differently.
03:44I believe so.
03:45They also talk increasingly on the television about being constipated as well.
03:48I know.
03:49In general, the standard of female conversation seems to be plummeting.
03:54That's true.
03:55What happened to the little ladies who used to be so refined?
03:59Anyway, no, because, I mean, actually, in a sense,
04:01you're probably right about bacteria, which would possibly pass through us
04:04and all the way and not be killed, but this is actually a delicacy.
04:08I'm inclined to give the point to Rich,
04:09because he's sort of accidentally right, only he's sort of wrong as well.
04:13It's not a story of my life.
04:15It's one of the most popular foods,
04:17almost a national dish in some ways, of Florida.
04:20Tapeworm.
04:24Not tapeworm.
04:25No, that, again, is a sort of candidate for the answer.
04:28Didn't a tapeworm used to be a dieting thing?
04:30Yes.
04:30At the turn of the century, people.
04:31When people went dieting and exercise, well,
04:33there'd be a tapeworm.
04:34There'd be a pill with a tapeworm.
04:35And it would take it down, it would eat things.
04:37How did, that must work.
04:38Why don't we do that?
04:39It works very well.
04:39Well, there's the awkward moment when you,
04:41this tapeworm's got a bit large.
04:43The time has come to remove this, yeah,
04:4510 yards of worm.
04:47Yeah, you want to tie a string to it.
04:49You have to tempt it out with a little salty drink near your mouth.
04:53You can tempt it out with a salty drink.
04:54I don't know what you're doing.
04:55No, but apparently, no, that's how they deal with tapeworm.
04:58One end or another, you tempt it out with a bit of food.
05:00It's getting...
05:01Well, I know which end I would prefer.
05:03Yes?
05:05Which end would you...
05:08What I'm just saying...
05:09Which?
05:10What?
05:10You'd rather pull it out of your mouth and your ass?
05:12I think I'd go ass rather than mouth and the tapeworm.
05:15Oh, that's all I'm just saying.
05:16I think I'd have to have experienced a giant worm coming out of both orifices
05:21before I'd decide which was the least unpleasant.
05:24Well, I don't know what...
05:26That's it.
05:26And it turns out that's actually a question I don't want to know the answer to.
05:30You tempt it up like that.
05:32Tempt it up a bit.
05:34Get it up there.
05:35Get its head out.
05:36And if you don't like it, let's take the thing away and put it down the other end.
05:41And it'll do a bit of a ewee and...
05:44Well, that could be agony.
05:46Yeah, it could be agony.
05:47Tapeworm turning round inside you.
05:49Does it sort of reverse into the appendix and go around or...?
05:53I think it can go, but they don't really move anyway.
05:56They just sit with their mouths open, don't they?
05:57And they clamp themselves onto your...
05:59That's the thing.
06:00The wall of your tummy.
06:01They hang on.
06:02Aren't you supposed to sort of...
06:03When you tempt them out, which...
06:05At the end of your preference,
06:06don't you then sort of roll it around a biro or something?
06:10You know a lot about this.
06:11For a man that's never tried it from either end.
06:14Yeah.
06:15I don't know if it's a visionary to tie it around a biro.
06:18I don't think you have to.
06:19I mean, have you heard somewhere that...
06:21What if you didn't, it would...
06:22What I heard is that you tempt it out.
06:24It's head or whatever, one end of it comes out,
06:27and then you sort of roll it around something.
06:30There must be nothing more depressing than to hear a tapeworm snap.
06:34And you think, well, that is stuck down there.
06:36No!
06:37You're thinking of the guinea worm,
06:38which is the one you pull out with a biro.
06:40Oh, right.
06:41Is it some sort of a shellfish seafood item?
06:44Like a crawfish?
06:45No, it's really exactly what...
06:47It's a crab, but it's a particular kind of crab.
06:49Very popular in Florida.
06:51It's a stone crab.
06:52Oh, right.
06:53Stone crab claws are very popular.
06:55There is a stone crab.
06:56And the fishermen catch the crab,
06:58they snap off the claws,
06:59and throw the crab back in.
07:01And it takes about a year for its claws to grow back.
07:03But it is considered a great delicacy,
07:05usually served with a sort of butter and mustard sauce.
07:07Very popular, indeed, in restaurants up and down America,
07:10but particularly, as they say, in Florida.
07:12Oh, what does it do for a year, then, armless down, wandering about?
07:16I mean, he's up to himself.
07:18So the crab is dismayed when it loses its claws,
07:21saying, no, I can't get any work done.
07:24All that stuff, I'm trying to rearrange the seabed.
07:27It'll be a year before I can do any of that.
07:29I'm just going to have to lay up.
07:33It's almost like they're sort of fruit-bearing animals, aren't they?
07:37That's pretty similar to that, exactly.
07:38Like an apple tree has its apples taken off,
07:41but next year it grows more apples.
07:43So maybe they're trees.
07:47They're just seafoody trees.
07:49They can walk around.
07:50They can walk around.
07:50They can tame DNA.
07:51You could have given me an answer as well.
07:53There are certain tribesmen in the Masai Mara
07:55in northern Tanzania and Kenya
07:57who will drink the blood of cattle.
08:00You know, not kill them,
08:01but sort of slit the throat a bit
08:02and drink the blood.
08:03Mix it with milk, actually.
08:05And then they bind up the wound again
08:07so they don't kill the cow.
08:09But that practice is dying out a bit.
08:10They mix it with milk
08:11so they think that cattle have two drinks.
08:15They can have one or the other
08:16or a mixture of the two.
08:18Fantastic, these two drink animals.
08:21Anyway, stone crabs it is.
08:23They're returned to the sea alive
08:24and their claws have been taken off.
08:26Over the next year they grow a replacement,
08:28although it's never quite as good
08:29as the first one.
08:30Now, what can you usefully teach an oyster?
08:35Yes.
08:36Is it, you know, not to get its hopes up?
08:39Or to, you know, expect lemon juice and death?
08:44Then try and put up a struggle,
08:45it'll never work?
08:46Do you teach it when you get lemons,
08:47make lemonade?
08:49Oh, that's true.
08:49And when you get lemons,
08:51you're seconds away from death.
08:54Because you're not like that kind of crap.
08:56Well, when you think about it,
08:57there's not much an oyster can do, really.
08:59You can teach it to blend into parties
09:01and make it look like it was invited.
09:04That's true.
09:05Could you teach it...
09:06Because if you went to a party
09:07and there's a snack tray,
09:08no one ever says,
09:09Who invited the oysters?
09:13That's true.
09:13No one says that.
09:15Can you teach them how to do impressions?
09:16They do a brilliant impression of a whelk.
09:20They do.
09:20You can probably teach it rudimentary percussion.
09:23That's...
09:24It probably would just,
09:25if you showed it a castanet,
09:26it would probably think,
09:28I can do that.
09:30Well, you're very close now.
09:32What it is,
09:33is that out of the water,
09:34oysters will stay fresh
09:35so long as they're closed.
09:37But, of course,
09:38they live their lives
09:39opening and closing their shells
09:41in order to let nutrients
09:43in which they filter.
09:44So, the thing is to teach them
09:46to keep their mouths closed
09:47for long periods of time.
09:49And they...
09:49You do that like...
09:50Well, the French do, yeah.
09:52The French simply
09:53chip them with metal rods,
09:55which makes them close.
09:56And they would do that
09:57for longer and longer times.
09:58And they would learn.
09:59They would respond
09:59because they know
10:00they got hit all the time.
10:01The French really have a gift
10:02for cruelty.
10:03They do, don't they?
10:05Very special.
10:06But what happened in New York,
10:07when they first arrived
10:08in what is now New York,
10:09the settlers,
10:09they had never seen
10:10such a profusion of oysters.
10:12Some of them are a foot long.
10:13But they couldn't transport them
10:15around any other parts
10:15of the States
10:16because they would go off
10:17because they had their things open
10:19and there was no ice around.
10:20So, what they did was
10:21they would move them up the bank
10:23at each tide
10:23so that they had more and more time
10:25in the air
10:27and that would
10:28teach them
10:29to have their mouths closed
10:31for longer.
10:31So, they would learn
10:32to have their mouths closed
10:34for longer and longer
10:35and longer
10:35until they had them closed
10:36all the time
10:36long enough
10:37for you to transport them
10:38and sell them
10:38and eat them
10:38without making people ill.
10:40Well, there we are.
10:41That's your oyster.
10:42Now,
10:42how did the Mounties
10:44use fruit machines
10:45to get their man?
10:47When you say fruit machines,
10:48is this a friend of yours?
10:50Oh, sorry.
10:53He's a fruit machine.
10:55Like a fruit machine.
10:56Well, you're right in there
10:57says fruit machine.
10:58The fruit machine was a nickname.
10:59It wasn't actually
11:00a one-armed bandit.
11:01It wasn't a gambling machine.
11:02It's going to be something
11:03to do with actual fruit,
11:05is it?
11:05No, it is actually
11:06the meaning of it
11:06that Jimmy and his
11:07rapacious and, if I may say,
11:09politically, wildly
11:10incorrect way
11:11went for.
11:12Sorry, is...
11:13Well, the Mountie uniform
11:14is quite fruity.
11:17No, it's easy to forget
11:19with the Mounties.
11:19That's the Canadian police.
11:21If you're a policeman
11:21in Canada,
11:22you're a member
11:23of the World
11:23Canadian Mounties.
11:24Oh, that's all of them there.
11:26So they have no
11:27unmounted police?
11:28Well, I don't know.
11:29That must be difficult
11:30on raids in small flats.
11:33Ow, my head!
11:35Well, you should see
11:36the squad cars.
11:37They're a mess, David.
11:39They are a mess.
11:40Imagine trying to chase
11:41a heroin addict
11:42to have a small
11:43staircase on a horse.
11:44That's ridiculous.
11:46There's a problem
11:46of heroin addicts
11:47would know
11:47to head for the
11:48small staircase.
11:49It's like trying
11:50to police a country
11:51with Daleks.
11:54We should never
11:55work with the
11:55disabled access
11:56we've got now.
11:56The Daleks can get
11:57everywhere.
12:00Jimmy, who's saying
12:01that you think
12:03the disabled access
12:04is a Dalek conspiracy?
12:07Yes.
12:09That is exactly
12:10what I'm saying.
12:13I had a great uncle
12:14in the Royal Canadian
12:15Mounted Police.
12:16Oh, you might know
12:16about this.
12:17When you say
12:17a great uncle,
12:18your favourite?
12:19I didn't know about
12:20until I did one of
12:21these family tree things.
12:23Oh, yeah.
12:23He was in the
12:24First World War
12:24and he had his
12:25leg blown off.
12:26Oh.
12:27And he went to live
12:27in Canada
12:28and he became
12:28the chief constable
12:29of the Vancouver
12:32Canadian Mounted Police.
12:33Oh, amazing.
12:34I don't know
12:35if they were
12:35struggling for men.
12:38One advantage
12:39of being a Mounted
12:40policeman is
12:41you don't need
12:42two legs.
12:42The horse has got
12:43four to do it all
12:44for you.
12:44Essentially,
12:45their whole police
12:46force has too many
12:47legs to start with.
12:50And essentially,
12:51they've got six legs
12:52per police,
12:53which means
12:54they're policed
12:54by insects.
12:57That's not so silly,
12:58David.
13:01No, we come back
13:02to this fruit machine.
13:04In the Cold War period,
13:06they were worried
13:07in a lot of
13:08Western countries
13:09about civil servants.
13:11There'd been a few
13:12scandals about
13:12civil servants
13:13being blackmailed.
13:14For what reason?
13:16Homosexuality.
13:17For being homosexual,
13:18for being gay.
13:19Now, the Royal Canadian
13:20Mounted Police,
13:21they were trying
13:21to find out
13:22the homosexuals
13:23in the Canadian
13:23Civil Service.
13:25Right.
13:25So that they could not
13:26be honey-trapped
13:28by Soviet spies
13:29and so on.
13:30That was the theory of it.
13:32So is one of these
13:32gay then?
13:33No, no, no.
13:33Is this like,
13:34never mind the buzzcock?
13:35Number three.
13:39Was this before
13:40the RAF invented
13:41gaydar?
13:42Yes.
13:43Exactly.
13:43It was a gaydar
13:44machine, if you like.
13:45It was essentially
13:46a pretty primitive device,
13:48which, amongst other things,
13:49showed people pictures
13:50of nude men and women
13:51and measured
13:52their pupil dilation
13:54and their perspiration.
13:55But the awful thing is,
13:57if they failed,
13:58as it were,
13:59they were sacked.
14:00That was their job
14:00over with.
14:01They were deemed
14:01to be homosexual
14:02and they were
14:03out of a job.
14:03Of course,
14:04the whole system
14:05is thrown out
14:05for any civil servants
14:06who fancy horses.
14:08All the people
14:09running the test
14:10in the room,
14:11you know,
14:11riding around the room,
14:12saying,
14:12I can't quite reach
14:13down to the fruit machine,
14:15down these horses.
14:16This crude measurement
14:17device was replaced,
14:19though,
14:19by something called
14:20Dancing on Ice.
14:26Do you like
14:27Dancing on Ice?
14:28Is this a trick question?
14:30Yes, I do.
14:31You're out.
14:32Okay.
14:32You've got to answer,
14:33it's to die for.
14:36It's a plethysmograph,
14:38and a plethysmograph
14:39is an instrument.
14:41There's two versions,
14:42a male version
14:42and a female version,
14:43because you're trying
14:43to count lesbians
14:44here as well,
14:45apparently.
14:45Oh.
14:45So,
14:46the male version
14:47is basically
14:47a kind of cock ring,
14:48is the only way
14:49I can describe it,
14:49that measures
14:50the tumescence
14:51of the male member
14:52when certain images
14:53are played to it,
14:54and for women,
14:54it's a sort of dildo
14:55that measures
14:57lubrication.
14:59I wouldn't mind
15:00doing that.
15:00What?
15:03Do you know
15:04me, so much
15:05is coming out here.
15:05I'm just saying,
15:06the testing,
15:07who'd like to do that,
15:08would you?
15:09Well, yeah,
15:09who got the testing job?
15:10That sounds brilliant.
15:11Ooh, doesn't it?
15:12Ooh, lovely.
15:13Here you go,
15:13I didn't,
15:15well, I'm just saying,
15:16be a giggle.
15:17When was this?
15:18When did they invent that?
15:19Well, surprisingly recently.
15:20I mean,
15:20it was used up
15:22until the 80s.
15:23To the 80s?
15:24Yeah.
15:24Surely it was legal
15:25in the past board
15:26in the 1980s.
15:27Well, exactly.
15:27It seems so odd.
15:28It seems weird
15:29that they would just go,
15:30well, we'll just double check that.
15:31The odd thing about
15:32the fruit machine
15:33was the guy
15:33who brought it together,
15:34who was called Kurt Freund,
15:35had actually invented it.
15:36He was a German
15:37living in Czechoslovakia,
15:39had invented it
15:39in order to do
15:40the precise opposite.
15:41It was to catch out
15:43people who claimed
15:44they were gay,
15:44and used it
15:45as exemption
15:46from serving
15:47in the Czechoslovakian army.
15:48Now,
15:49you have a choice
15:49of venues
15:50for dinner tonight,
15:51Russia or France.
15:53Describe the difference
15:54between Russian
15:55and French service.
15:58Yes.
15:59In France,
16:00they give you
16:01lots of
16:03vaguely obstetric
16:04instruments
16:04to dismantle.
16:07Right.
16:07Things like frog legs
16:08and...
16:09Oh, it's a special cutlery.
16:10all the stuff
16:11you would
16:11give your backyard
16:12fumigated for.
16:14And in Russia...
16:15they just go,
16:16here's a turnip.
16:19If you don't like it,
16:20you're going to Siberia.
16:22You know what the
16:22Russian national dish is?
16:24Yeah.
16:24Empty.
16:25Oh!
16:28It's not my fault.
16:31I think I know
16:32the answer to this.
16:33I think it's...
16:34...that isn't...
16:35Almost all service now
16:36is what you call
16:37Russian service,
16:38which is sort of,
16:39you have food in courses
16:40one after another,
16:41and French service,
16:43which obviously the French
16:43don't,
16:44they have food in courses
16:45like everyone,
16:46like the Russians,
16:47but French service
16:48was everything
16:49sort of coming at once,
16:50like a kind of buffet.
16:52That is an absolutely
16:53perfect answer.
16:54David Mitchell,
16:55how about that?
16:55A handful of points.
16:59Completely correct.
17:00Yeah.
17:01And of course,
17:02there's the chakas
17:02and mozzettis principle
17:04in lots of Middle Eastern
17:05and Mediterranean cooking,
17:06but you're absolutely right.
17:07The French,
17:08right up until the 19th century,
17:09all the courses
17:10would come in one
17:11big go
17:11and you just helped
17:12yourself to everything.
17:13And then the Russian
17:14Prince Kirakin,
17:15who was the ambassador
17:16to Napoleon's court,
17:18he came and said,
17:18we have had this
17:19brilliant idea in Russia.
17:21It's used one course
17:22and then another.
17:24And this was considered
17:25absolutely staggering
17:27and revolutionary
17:27and it caught on.
17:30Then the Americans
17:30improved on it
17:31by making it able
17:32for you to drive
17:33through in a car.
17:34Yes.
17:36And get it in a bag.
17:38From a 16-year-old.
17:39They did indeed.
17:40With shingles.
17:45I think, I mean,
17:46David, I have to call you
17:47my teacher's pet
17:48and you get a special
17:49fanfare instead of
17:50a forfeit for that
17:51because that is
17:51absolutely brilliant.
17:52There you are.
17:53There you are,
17:53teacher's pet.
17:55I don't feel that cool.
17:59It's not a cool thing
18:00to be, I'm afraid,
18:01but you do get points.
18:02For some people,
18:02that's important.
18:04Escoffier was the man
18:05who introduced this
18:06into private homes
18:07and more importantly
18:08into restaurants.
18:09Would you know about
18:09Escoffier?
18:11Anything?
18:11David or no?
18:12David or no?
18:14He started Frog's Legs.
18:15You're absolutely right.
18:16And I only know that
18:17because I went on
18:18David's radio show
18:19and found it out.
18:20Oh, shoot.
18:20Also, I should at this point
18:22say, in the QI annual,
18:24I did a page on Escoffier.
18:27So, I went quite well,
18:28you know, this could be a good bit.
18:30First name?
18:31Uh, August.
18:32Brilliant.
18:33Um, and he...
18:35Died in...
18:36Oh, I don't...
18:36I can't remember.
18:37Terrible house fire.
18:3919...
18:41He died in 1935.
18:42He lived a long time,
18:4362 years.
18:44And he sort of founded
18:45the Ritz Hotel in Paris
18:47and the Carlton Hotel
18:48in London
18:49and he was the chef
18:50at the Savoy.
18:51Brilliant.
18:51And what's his most famous dish?
18:53Well, he invented...
18:53He invented Peach Melba,
18:55didn't he?
18:56Yes.
18:56For Dame Nellie Melba.
18:57For Dame Nellie Melba.
18:58Also apparently invented
18:59Melba toast for her as well
19:01because she was dieting
19:02in between Peach Melba's
19:05And who was Nellie Melba?
19:06He was an opera singer.
19:07And what was her real name?
19:08Uh, Mitchell.
19:09Yes!
19:10Very good!
19:11I think...
19:11I am so impressed.
19:12I think her father
19:12was called David Mitchell.
19:14Get out!
19:15Do you know, do you know?
19:18Gee, this is that cat...
19:22I am truly impressed.
19:24If anyone thinks it's set up,
19:25it truly is.
19:25You are tumescent,
19:26I know you are.
19:28Where's the fruit machine now?
19:30Well,
19:31talking of facts.
19:33Oh!
19:34I thought you got that.
19:36I thought you got that.
19:37I thought you got that.
19:37Talking of that,
19:38there's a fact about
19:38Dame Nellie Melba.
19:39Do you know what she'd like
19:40to have,
19:41legend has it,
19:41what she'd like to do
19:42when she was waiting to go on?
19:44She was...
19:45What was her profession?
19:46She was an opera singer.
19:47She was a great opera singer.
19:48Exactly.
19:48And what did you think
19:50was good for the voice?
19:51Oh.
19:52Oral sex.
19:53No, I am not saying that.
19:55I'm against the point,
19:56oral sex, yes.
19:57La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
20:01La, la, la, la, la, la, la.
20:05It turns from a dramatic soprano
20:07into a bass, unfortunately.
20:10Anyway,
20:10I mean,
20:11again,
20:11I don't know,
20:12can I make you a double
20:13teacher's bet?
20:13Yes, I can. I'm going to give you another fanfare, because that was so extraordinary, your day in the course
20:18of the year.
20:18Look at that. Bravo.
20:26I don't want to rain on your parade, but if you look closely, Stephen's pupils have gone ten times bigger.
20:32I am, as Adam rightly said, aroused by people who are passionate about interesting facts.
20:36Now, the fact is, until Escoffier introduced Service à la Russe to Western Europe,
20:42meals were normally served all at once and eaten in whatever order you fancied.
20:46Now, since I gave up Greco-Roman wrestling a few years ago,
20:50I've put on quite a few pounds, as you might be able to tell.
20:53Do you have any tips on how I can turn this fat back into living muscle?
20:58When you say you've given up Greco-Roman wrestling, you can't change who you are, Stephen.
21:02No, I know.
21:03Who do you think invented Greco-Roman wrestling?
21:06Er, Greeks and Romans.
21:09Oh, Carlos.
21:14Now all you have to say is Mr. Wrestling.
21:17No, actually, it was the French, and they thought they'd give it a classical sort of thing.
21:20We want the men rubbing against each other.
21:24There was freestyle wrestling, catch-as-catch-can, as it was called.
21:28And they wanted this other form which didn't involve, you couldn't do anything below the waist, as it were.
21:33You couldn't hook people, you couldn't use your legs, you couldn't hook people onto the ground.
21:36You know what Mae West said about all-in wrestling?
21:39If it's all-in, why wrestle?
21:40But, erm...
21:44Go on, yes, just think about it.
21:46Finally, the show gets back on firm, heterosexual footage.
21:50Yeah, exactly.
21:51Yeah, yeah.
21:52You can't turn muscle into fat into muscle.
21:55Thank you, Alan Davis.
21:56Two different things.
21:57That thing about if you must leave, if you don't keep doing it, it turns into fat.
22:02That's nonsense.
22:02You're so right, and that's precisely what I wanted you to say, Alan.
22:05That is brilliance on your part, and I'm very, very pleased with you.
22:08Well done.
22:09I think I might give you a teacher's pet fanfare as well, as a matter of fact.
22:13I have still written semen on my tongue, though.
22:18Well, at least you've just written it.
22:20As I used to...
22:24You know, boys who rub me up the wrong way come to a sticky end.
22:30So, this idea that fat turns the muscle into muscle fat, it's nonsense.
22:34It's like saying your toenail can turn into your ear.
22:36I mean, they're just two completely different substances and parts and metabolisms and structures of the body, and they're not
22:43the same.
22:43Now, what is the worst thing to eat for tooth decay?
22:49Crystal meth.
22:52There is some truth.
22:53Certainly, crystal meth addicts have a calling to...
22:55Have you seen the ad for crystal meth?
22:56No.
22:57It doesn't make me want to do...
22:58Add against it, surely.
22:59Oh, is it?
22:59Yeah, I think so.
23:02No, that makes perfect sense, because I've looked at it and went, who's buying that?
23:05It's horrible.
23:06In fact, they sell it in vials.
23:08Yeah.
23:08The worst thing you could do would be to...
23:10To eat.
23:11Because I saw this on TV, is to put them in salsa, and then run a current through it.
23:19That must be bad, I grant you.
23:21I broke out of jail in Mexico.
23:23It took him six years.
23:24He just kept wiping salsa on the bars.
23:26Oh, my God.
23:27And eventually, after six years, the acid broke down the steel.
23:30Oh.
23:30And then they went...
23:31It was that Mythbusters show.
23:33Oh, wow.
23:33And then they ran a current through it, and it just happened in days.
23:37Good gracious.
23:37How brilliant.
23:37So you wouldn't want to do that?
23:39If your teeth were like iron bars.
23:41I would just say, don't run a current through your teeth.
23:43No, that's a good full start.
23:45You're right.
23:45You're right.
23:46I know.
23:46It's not going to be sugar, is it?
23:47You're trying to make it say sugar.
23:48The point is, there's something worse than sugar.
23:51Sugar is quite bad, but the thing about it is it dissolves quite quickly in your saliva
23:55and is out and away from the teeth.
23:57Whereas potato starch is just about the worst thing, because it hangs around in the teeth
24:02much more than sugar.
24:03Crisps are a particularly bad thing.
24:05The bits of them stay up in there.
24:06And you may think, oh, well, at least it's not sugar.
24:08It's not like having an opal fruit stuck in there.
24:10But actually, actually, it's really bad.
24:13Do you know having gum disease doubles your chance of coronary artery disease?
24:17It's a bit scary, isn't it?
24:18Does it double your chances, or is it just there's a correlation between the two?
24:21No, there is a direct causal link.
24:23Bacteria from the mouth find their way to the heart.
24:25A lot of disease in the heart actually is disease.
24:27It is infection, not just bad lifestyle and being lazy.
24:31It is actually...
24:32You can get a virus in the heart, you can kill people very commonly, or bacteria.
24:35So flossing is good for your heart?
24:37Yes, that's a good thought, isn't it? How about that?
24:39Well, don't try and floss your heart.
24:42I saw in America anal floss.
24:46Here we go again.
24:47It's a way of...
24:48It's not a gay thing, Rich.
24:50It's an American thing.
24:52It's a way of drying your intimate cracky pants.
24:54God bless America.
24:55Yeah.
24:56Right through hamburgers and anal floss.
24:59That's his...
24:59Isn't that just your towel?
25:00Yeah, a towel, but it's a special one that's...
25:02You were doing the wrong way, though.
25:03Sorry, what's that?
25:06It's a special...
25:07It's a special towel with a gusset.
25:09Yeah, basically.
25:11Sorry, putting your sleeves up worried me.
25:13I thought you were going to...
25:15I'll show you anal floss.
25:16Some of the things...
25:18I thought I was going to be veterinarian was going to happen.
25:20Anyway.
25:21Surprisingly, sweets and chocolate aren't the worst thing for your teeth.
25:24Potato starch sticks to teeth for far longer,
25:26providing a feast for the acid-producing bacteria that erode your teeth.
25:30So that bag of chips might not just make you fat,
25:32it might make your teeth fall out too.
25:34Now, while we're digesting that terrible truth, how about a story?
25:37Tell me, if you would, the tale of the miracle of the herrings.
25:41Is it a miracle as in the act of an interventionist God?
25:44I can tell you it didn't happen.
25:45Yeah, you're right.
25:46It so didn't happen, but it is an official miracle.
25:48It's just one of them rather more pathetic.
25:50Did they fail from the skies at one of those raining fish stories?
25:54Was it the feeding of the three?
25:55No.
25:56It's really sad.
25:58The feeding of the one person who didn't like herring.
26:00On herring.
26:01And he says, not too bad, actually.
26:04The feeding of the 5,000, like it's 5,000 people,
26:07and there weren't some bread and fish.
26:08I reckon that was just about 4,500 people going,
26:10what have we got?
26:11Bread and fish.
26:11I'm all right, thanks.
26:13I'll let someone want to get home.
26:15It's also the other interesting thing about that story
26:17is that out of the 5,000 people,
26:19only two of them had thought to bring any food.
26:22Yes.
26:22And so in a way, it's okay, good miracle,
26:24but the other side of it is 4,998 idiots.
26:30No sense of foresight at all.
26:32And Jesus doesn't make them learn a lesson from that.
26:36It's all fine.
26:37It's all fine.
26:37This is a sermon on the mount.
26:38This isn't Glastonbury, you could have said, couldn't it?
26:41But you know, you used to say, you didn't bring any food?
26:42Of course there's not going to be any food.
26:44Think about it.
26:45Yeah.
26:45Plan next time.
26:47Judea would be better if people planned.
26:50But no?
26:50Yeah, no.
26:51It always works out fine.
26:52Jesus will magic up some grub.
26:55You're going to get crucified one day,
26:57and then what are you going to eat?
26:58Yes.
27:00As you know, Roman Catholic churches,
27:02it likes to appoint, after they're dead,
27:06it likes to do this thing to holy dead people
27:08that makes them a saint.
27:09They're fast-tracking one at the moment.
27:11I read about this Padre Pio.
27:12They're trying to fast-track it.
27:13And they're trying to fast-track Mother Teresa, of course.
27:15Yeah, Mother Teresa.
27:15But this is one of the great 13th century divine creatures,
27:18as it were, a theologian philosopher called Thomas Aquinas.
27:21And they wanted to make him a saint.
27:23Now, he's a Dominican friar,
27:24but he didn't mortify his flesh, as you're supposed to.
27:28There he is, Thomas Aquinas.
27:29So they couldn't, you know, that was a bit bad.
27:31And he didn't seem to do any particularly good works
27:34while he was around.
27:35He wrote splendidly.
27:36He was a great philosopher.
27:37And they had to try and find a miracle for him.
27:40And there was no miracle,
27:41until someone told a story that, apparently, on his deathbed,
27:45he said,
27:46Oh, I really fancy a herring.
27:48Some herrings.
27:49Have you got some herrings?
27:50Now, they're in the Mediterranean,
27:51where there are no herrings.
27:52So they thought,
27:52Oh, we'll bring him some pilchards.
27:53He won't know.
27:54And so they gave him some pilchards,
27:56and he went,
27:56Mmm.
27:57Very.
27:58They're the best herrings I've ever tasted.
27:59And so, this is genuinely true.
28:01The Catholic Church decided to interpret that
28:03as the miracle of the herrings,
28:05that the pilchards had turned to herrings in his mouth.
28:07And therefore,
28:08he qualified as a saint,
28:09and therefore,
28:10he is to this day,
28:10St. Thomas Aquinas.
28:11The thing is,
28:12if you're going to make it up,
28:13you might as well make up something better than that.
28:16You'd think, wouldn't you?
28:17You know,
28:17suddenly magicked up a unicorn.
28:19Yeah, I know.
28:20I think that's not so sweet and feeble about it.
28:22Yeah.
28:22They're just groping for a miracle.
28:24And so, anyway, they made him a saint.
28:25Yeah, they like a saint.
28:26You like a saint, do you?
28:26Oh, I like a saint.
28:27Yeah, what's the matter with a saint?
28:28Nice.
28:29If you're going to have imaginary friends,
28:31have loads of them.
28:33The great thing is,
28:34it's something for people to collect,
28:35isn't it?
28:36Yes.
28:37You know,
28:37it's like Star Wars.
28:39Yes.
28:39There are all the figures.
28:40There's a merchandising opportunity.
28:42Oh, yeah.
28:44Anyway,
28:44there we are.
28:45The miracle of the herrings
28:46was attributed to Thomas Aquinas
28:47so that he would qualify for sainthood.
28:49Now,
28:50before we head below the salt,
28:52let's have a look at your tasting maps.
28:54Oh, I know.
28:55What have we got here?
28:56We'll start with you, Jimmy.
28:57What have you got?
28:58I imagine you would taste failure there
29:00and success at the back.
29:01Ah.
29:02A bitter taste of resentment.
29:04Ah, so bitter at the back, you think?
29:05Well, what are the tastes?
29:06Salt,
29:07sweet,
29:08sour,
29:09bitter.
29:09And then, didn't they invent one,
29:10which is MSG?
29:12Yes.
29:12But they didn't discover it until 1911
29:14or something bizarre?
29:15Well, it's umami.
29:16It's the brothy, mushroomy,
29:18slightly...
29:18I love it.
29:19Savory, exactly.
29:20Sweet, salt,
29:22sour,
29:23bitter.
29:25And, yeah, that's it.
29:25Is that it?
29:26Five, yeah.
29:27Five.
29:27What's Gordon Ramsay wittering on about
29:28in all those shows?
29:29If that's it?
29:30That's on the tongue.
29:31There's a rainbow of things
29:32in the olfactory bulb in the nose.
29:34That's where all real flavours
29:35and things can be detected.
29:37But the tongue is only for those,
29:38those five.
29:39What have you got, Rich?
29:41Guilt.
29:42Remorse.
29:43That's where you face guilt.
29:44Crabby.
29:46David, what have you got, Rich?
29:48I've got, um,
29:49be sick,
29:50because it does make you be sick.
29:52And that's forgotten names.
29:56Very good.
29:58Very good.
30:03Excellent.
30:04Alan?
30:05I got bitter, sour and sweet,
30:08and then I ran out of ideas.
30:09I had savoury.
30:10I didn't think it was right.
30:11That is umami.
30:12It's pretty savoury, yeah.
30:12And then I had, I had one left,
30:14so I just put jam in.
30:17Well, for all we know,
30:18your tongue made.
30:19Are any of these right?
30:21No, the fact is,
30:22actually,
30:22all this,
30:23the whole tongue map idea
30:24is actually nonsense.
30:26Yeah, thank you.
30:28Throw your tongue over your shoulder,
30:30because...
30:31Well, if I could do that...
30:32Yeah, exactly.
30:32It wouldn't be worth it here for a while.
30:34It wouldn't be being a happy man.
30:35Yeah.
30:36I wouldn't leave the house.
30:38You wouldn't let me.
30:40Because you could lick your shoulder blade.
30:43Well, the inference being.
30:44Right, I suppose, yeah.
30:45There was a French restaurateur,
30:47quite a famous one,
30:48in London,
30:49who's since...
30:49Don't tell me who actually could.
30:50No, no.
30:51But he used to say to women,
30:53excuse me,
30:55can I smell your pussy?
30:56And they'd go,
30:57no.
30:57He said, oh, it must be your feet then.
31:01Terrible take.
31:03How many of those people
31:04that stayed in the restaurant?
31:08He didn't do it in the restaurant.
31:10This is a horrible restaurant.
31:13I mean, how good is the soup
31:15going to have to be?
31:17You do it in relaxing off-duty.
31:20One of those jokes, anyway.
31:23We detect those five primary flavours
31:26all over the tongue,
31:27and not in that.
31:28That used to be held to be the tongue map.
31:31And amazingly, it's still in quite a lot of textbooks,
31:34but it is absolutely not true.
31:36And so, we come to the highlight of our feast,
31:39the pièce de générale ignorance.
31:41Elbows off the tables
31:42and fingers on the buzzers.
31:44Name a poisonous snake.
31:46Yes.
31:47Here's Morgan.
31:48Whoa!
31:49Whoa!
31:53Whoa!
31:54Whoa!
31:57Poison is not the same as venom.
32:00It can't be.
32:01Because there are loads of poisonous snakes.
32:03You sounded so like Jonathan Crueck just then.
32:06It was amazing.
32:08You suddenly hit it.
32:09You just sat down with a cape.
32:09It was just so right.
32:10You went,
32:11I've got it.
32:11I've got the answer.
32:13It can't be.
32:13In a locked room.
32:14There are lots of them.
32:16We haven't named one yet.
32:18I'm not going to.
32:19You're all going to be up there.
32:20I refuse.
32:21You're so right.
32:22Yes.
32:23Because we were hoping it's a cobra,
32:26and, you know,
32:26He said it!
32:27Rattlesnake.
32:28Come on!
32:30And all those sort of things.
32:31But, of course,
32:32the word poisonous does not apply to them.
32:34It means if you eat it,
32:35it makes you very ill,
32:36or kills you.
32:37But venom goes...
32:38Venom is something injected into your blood.
32:41So those are all venom snakes.
32:42But there are only two poisonous snakes
32:44we could find.
32:45Ones that if you ate,
32:46they would kill you.
32:47You know, like a poison fruit
32:48or a poison berry.
32:49And they are, in fact,
32:51there's the Japanese grass snake.
32:54Rhabdofus tigrinus
32:55becomes poisonous
32:56by eating toxic toads, in fact.
32:58And it stores them
32:59in little glands in its neck.
33:01If you eat that, you'll die.
33:02Or there's the Thamnophnes sirtalis.
33:05Oh, of course.
33:05Which is the common garter snake.
33:08Steven?
33:09Yeah.
33:09What are you talking about?
33:14It eats a poisonous newt.
33:15An orange-bellied,
33:16rough-skinned newt.
33:17Now, what shouldn't you eat
33:20before bedtime?
33:22Ah, again.
33:24Once again.
33:25It's a trap.
33:26Oh, I can...
33:29Cheese!
33:33Bad dreams.
33:35Supposedly,
33:35but apparently,
33:36according to a study,
33:37it's been debunked in 2005.
33:39Apparently,
33:40it gives you actually good dreams.
33:41On the other hand,
33:42the study was instituted
33:43by the British Cheese Board.
33:45You may have an extra grind here.
33:47Do you call the British Cheese Board?
33:49Oh, oh, yeah, I know.
33:51Oh, God.
33:51I think they're aware of the joke.
33:52No, but they make the point
33:53that there's an amino acid in cheese,
33:55as there is in milk,
33:56and all dairy products
33:57are called tryptophan,
33:58which is a thing
33:58that gives you peace and joy
33:59and tranquility,
34:00and helps you sleep.
34:01Oh, that's time as it passed.
34:02That's what it means.
34:04Tryptophan is a natural one.
34:05I don't think it makes it better
34:07that they're aware of the joke.
34:09No, that they can't.
34:09They've made their name a joke.
34:11The British Cheese Board.
34:12Manufacturing cheese is not a joke.
34:15And you make your name
34:17of your organisation a joke.
34:19It sits there, dying,
34:20like a joke on a fridge.
34:22The joke should be cracked
34:24and then you forget it.
34:25But no, it's there,
34:26on all the note paper.
34:27Stationery and everything.
34:28You're right,
34:29the British Cheese Board,
34:29and it becomes less and less
34:30funny each time, doesn't it?
34:31It's like a headline...
34:32I work for the British Cheese Board,
34:34please don't say anything.
34:36There was a headline
34:37on the BBC website
34:39when BA's profits went up
34:41and they said
34:42BA's profits soar.
34:43Oh, I know.
34:44And why is that better?
34:45No one's going to laugh
34:46because you said soar
34:47like a plane would soar.
34:49Just say go up.
34:50Just the 14 clock go up
34:52because planes go up
34:53to increase.
34:54Do anything to avoid
34:56that awful half-limping,
34:59you know,
35:00fetus of a joke.
35:02You're right.
35:03You're so right.
35:04From your lips to God's ears.
35:06Bravo.
35:10So the British Cheese Commission
35:13has determined that cheese
35:15is actually very good.
35:15What are those people doing,
35:17by the way?
35:18I don't know.
35:18Indiana Jones and the Templar
35:20did it, sir?
35:21I'm pretty sure
35:21there's an opera singer
35:22in that fridge.
35:25He's reaching in.
35:26I keep the semen in here.
35:27Yeah.
35:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:29Didn't the romantic poets
35:30used to eat off meat
35:31in order to give themselves
35:32crazy dreams?
35:34I've not heard that
35:34specifically.
35:35That's a very interesting
35:36thought.
35:36They certainly liked,
35:37obviously, toying with morphine.
35:39They used to eat really
35:41sort of gamey meat,
35:42leave it for a couple of days
35:43and eat it and they would
35:43notice that they had
35:44extraordinary dreams
35:45because the kind of rotting
35:46flesh would give them
35:47an extraordinary poos
35:48and extraordinary poos
35:49as well.
35:49I've not heard that.
35:50And extraordinary poos,
35:51did you say?
35:53Exactly.
35:54I dreamt I had to get up
35:55ten times last night
35:57and sit lonely squitting.
36:00That's the only kind of
36:01dreams that off meat
36:02has ever given me anything.
36:04The sight of the inside
36:05of the lavatory door
36:06at miserable hours.
36:08Maybe that's why you get
36:09so many poems.
36:10Well, no.
36:11Well, oddly enough,
36:12Byron actually wrote
36:13on a lavatory wall
36:14a very elegant classical poem
36:16which was a sort of
36:17asking for a good stool.
36:19A cloaca is the Latin
36:20for a sewer,
36:21for a drain,
36:22for a lavatory.
36:22And so he wrote,
36:24Oh, cloacina,
36:25goddess of this place,
36:26look on thy suppliants
36:27with smiling face.
36:29Smooth and consistent
36:30may their offerings flow,
36:32neither rashly swift
36:33nor insolently slow.
36:37That's a genuine poetic.
36:38Better class of graffiti
36:39at your school.
36:40You do, don't you?
36:42When he says rashly swift,
36:44is that really possible
36:45for a poo?
36:46Is that too quick?
36:47It's what's known as
36:48the pathetic fallacy
36:49in the world of poetry
36:49where you impute a kind
36:50of emotion or an ability
36:52to an object which is
36:53not capable of it.
36:54Okay.
36:55Well, that's rather...
36:56That's all right.
36:58So, the British cheese board
36:59says, let them eat cheese,
37:01but who said, let them eat cake?
37:02Oh.
37:03Yes.
37:03Is that French woman?
37:05Yes.
37:05Dawn French.
37:06Duffin.
37:09Oh, very good.
37:10She said, let them eat brioche.
37:12Who did?
37:13I'm not saying...
37:15I'm asking you.
37:16I need to know.
37:17Oh.
37:18Was it Mr. Kipling?
37:18No.
37:21No.
37:22No.
37:24No.
37:29Marie...
37:30Osmond.
37:31Marie Osmond.
37:32Kirsten Dunst.
37:32No.
37:33Kirsten Dunst in that shocking film.
37:35It's the worst film ever made
37:37since Revolution with Al Pacino.
37:39Did it involve cakes?
37:41Oh, a Marie Antoinette film.
37:42Yes.
37:42Oh, is it...
37:43So, would you say, what?
37:44Yes.
37:45Who said it?
37:45What?
37:46You...
37:46Marie Antoinette.
37:48Sorry, why are you keeping on saying Marie Antoinette?
37:52Because I wanted that to happen.
37:55No, Marie Antoinette didn't say it,
37:57or if she did say it, she was quoting it.
37:59She was born in 1755, as every schoolboy knows,
38:02and the phrase was seen in print in 1760,
38:05and Jean-Jacques Rousseau claims to have seen it in 1740.
38:09So, it's an old thing.
38:11It's this idea that it was...
38:12Marie Antoinette is not true.
38:14I think it's...
38:14You want to hear the whole conversation.
38:16Yeah.
38:17They haven't got any bread.
38:18Let them eat cake.
38:19They haven't got any cake either.
38:20Oh, I understand this is a problem.
38:22Yes.
38:23I'll, in some way, talk to the ministers about it.
38:25We'll see what we can do.
38:27Very...
38:27That might...
38:27One of the reasons.
38:29The accusation that one grand lady or another
38:31committed this particular gaffe was in circulation
38:34at least 15 years before Marie Antoinette was born.
38:36Now, what makes up more than 70% of the internet?
38:41No.
38:44You see, it's my personal collection, isn't it?
38:46Of what?
38:47Of gentlemen's special interest literature.
38:53I think you know what you're talking about.
38:56Oh, why?
38:56You're going to be like that.
38:58No, it's just quite surprising.
39:00They did a survey on behalf of the American Civil Liberties Union
39:03who were very annoyed about some legislation
39:06that Bush was trying to push through
39:07which they thought weren't prohibitive of personal liberty
39:10and they discovered that less than 1% of the internet is pornography.
39:14Less than 1%?
39:15You say that, but I was typing in a thing the other day about...
39:18I wanted to know why German people are so fastidious.
39:20So I typed in German anal and it was...
39:24I lost a week, Stephen.
39:27I lost a week.
39:28You are so fast.
39:31You emerged with bleary eyes.
39:33You finally pulled back the curtain for seven days.
39:37I need fluids.
39:39Of all email traffic, 85, in fact, up to 89%, is spam.
39:44It's as simple as that.
39:45Trying to spell your Xanax and penis enlargement.
39:48Exactly. Soft Cialis, whatever that is.
39:51The annoying thing about that is I get loads of them,
39:52most of them from my girlfriend, but...
39:54It's the ones from my mum that really hurt.
39:56Oh, Jesus.
39:57Yay!
39:59Here's a recent study that has established
40:01that the World Wide Web is less than 1% pornography
40:03and on the other hand, 89% of all emails are spam,
40:06which is good news if you're looking for cheap pills
40:08or you want to increase your extremities.
40:10The exciting thing is that that brings us
40:12to the coffee and the cures, as it were,
40:14to the end of our little dinner and...
40:17L'edition, s'il vous plaît, garçon.
40:20And let's have a look at the scores.
40:22Well, it's pretty unsurprising to those
40:24who have been paying close attention
40:25that our raraway winner with a full ten points
40:28is David Mitchell.
40:31Hurrah!
40:34It's... it's...
40:34It's well done to David with ten,
40:37and it's medium with minus two to Rich Hall.
40:41Hurrah!
40:44Minus two.
40:46And it's a very rare third place
40:49for Alan Davis with minus twelve.
40:51Yes, sir.
40:54Looking, um, looking decidedly blue,
40:57it's Jimmy Carr with minus forty-six.
41:10Oh, it only remains for me to thank my fellow diners,
41:13Rich Jimmy, David and Alan,
41:14and to leave you with the reproving words
41:16of our favourite Dame Dame, Nelly Melba,
41:18on being presented with a gelatin-based pudding
41:21which had not been allowed to set properly.
41:23There are two things I like stiff, she said,
41:26and one of them's jelly.
41:28Good night.
41:28Good night.
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