- 25 minutes ago
First broadcast 23rd January 2009.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Phill Jupitus
Hugh Dennis
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Phill Jupitus
Hugh Dennis
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Bonsoir, bonsoir, bonsoir, bonsoir, bonsoir, bonsoir, bonsoir, mesdames et messieurs, et bienvenue à QI, or QI, as we should more
00:10properly call it, because tonight, tonight we fare forth into our favorite foreign fiefdom, land of fromage, froideur, and flageolet,
00:20la belle France.
00:21Avec moi, ce soir, je suis delighted to welcome le grand légume Phil Jupitus.
00:31Et le bon joie gentillon, Hugh Dennis.
00:38Merci.
00:40La femme fatale, Joe Brand.
00:47And Baba the Elephant.
00:56But, before we laissez les bon temps rouler, les champignons musicals, s'il vous plaît, and Phil goes.
01:11Hugo va.
01:14Hugo.
01:15D'accord.
01:25There's Joe Va.
01:28Non, je ne regrette rien.
01:38And Alan goes.
01:52Colour me very touched, Norman.
01:55Can I take my onions off?
01:56You can take your onions off.
01:58And that's like a restricting Montette.
02:00Yeah.
02:01Then, of course you must.
02:04It's matette.
02:05It's feminine.
02:05Minus five.
02:12I thought I said mon, because I'm masculine.
02:15Doesn't quite work that way, I'm afraid.
02:16No.
02:17For example, the word vagina is masculine, whichever sex you are, and you're likely to be female if you have
02:21one.
02:22But you would say mon vagina.
02:25You, as it were, yes.
02:26You would.
02:26It makes it sound like a mountain somewhere, doesn't it?
02:29It's not.
02:31That's it.
02:32I must climb, mon vagina.
02:35Many have.
02:37And many have fallen off.
02:40So, bon, allons-y, my copain.
02:42So, at this moment, I'll give you bonus points, if you can answer it in French.
02:52Okay?
02:54Oui.
02:58Very good.
03:00I'm ready.
03:01Bonus points for you.
03:02Bill.
03:07Later, we'll see.
03:09Phil.
03:10How's it going?
03:16Uh...
03:16That was very nice.
03:17That is fluent.
03:20Joe.
03:21Oui.
03:21Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
03:25Uh...
03:26Pas d'aimer.
03:27Non.
03:29Excellent.
03:30Quatre points.
03:32Alain.
03:33Donne-moi un mot, s'il vous plaît.
03:37Un mot pour un mammifère marin.
03:40Qui ne peut avaler aucun plus grand qu'un pomplemousse.
03:49Un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot
04:03pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un
04:03mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour
04:04un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot
04:07pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un
04:09mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour
04:11un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot
04:11pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un
04:11mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour
04:13un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot
04:15pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un mot pour un
04:18mot
04:21Oh, I asked you, in my broken French, to name a marine mammal that couldn't swallow anything bigger than a
04:28grapefruit, and that is a blue whale.
04:30Oh, you could have had such pleasure and joy.
04:33Never mind, never mind.
04:35I'm going to show you a picture of some Frenchmen, and I just want to know what they're looking for
04:38in the swamp.
04:42Where they've hidden their cameras, I think.
04:46Has the tide come in really, really quickly there?
04:50Well, the sea is not that far away.
04:52We're in Gascony, in an area of France called Les Landes, south of Bordeaux.
04:57Je pense qu'ils cherchent un mouchoir.
05:01They're looking for a handkerchief.
05:03Yes.
05:05That's not because I think they are, but I don't know any other French words about that.
05:09Oddly enough, the first three letters of the thing you think they're searching for are correct.
05:13Handjob.
05:14Moules.
05:15No, no.
05:16You said mouchoir, and it's moules.
05:19Moutons.
05:19Moutons is the right answer.
05:20They're looking for sheep.
05:21They're shepherds.
05:23They're Landaise shepherds.
05:25No, they're not.
05:27There are all the sheep on stilts as well.
05:31Is there a French program called One Man and His Stilts?
05:36If you see the one on the left, you can see he's got two stilts tied to his legs quite
05:40clearly, plus a stick.
05:41The stick is there to make yourself a tripod so you can stand still.
05:45But essentially they can go really fast around this 4,000 square mile area of France where their sheep are.
05:50They can see their sheep better because they're higher up.
05:52And they negotiate this boggy terrain brilliantly.
05:55And they carried on doing this right up until the 20th century.
05:58And the pole finally got stuck right up their ass.
06:01I thought you'd be delighted when someone invented the Land Rover, weren't they?
06:06I don't know if any French shepherds might be watching.
06:08Get dogs.
06:10It might save you a bit of time overall.
06:14Dogs on stilts.
06:15Oh, don't get me started.
06:18Tiny dogs like corgis on 18-foot stilts.
06:23Towering over bigger dogs.
06:25Yeah.
06:26At last.
06:30Well, they'd tie them.
06:31Then they would.
06:32Because you know how the little dogs sometimes try and mount the bigger dogs, don't they?
06:35Yeah, they'd take that opportunity straight away.
06:37Well, they'd be too big so they'd probably mount buses.
06:41Imagine a corgi on stilts knobbing a bendy bus.
06:46It's real, isn't it?
06:48There was a famous shepherd who walked to Paris and climbed the Eiffel Tower in his stilts
06:53and then walked all the way to Moscow in 58 days in his stilts.
06:57What a remarkable man, wasn't he?
07:00In 58 days?
07:0158 days he walked to Moscow.
07:03That's 1,830 of your puny English miles.
07:07However, now you can go to Leyland and you can see them dancing in their stilts.
07:11It's a tourist attraction.
07:13Until the early 20th century, they used stilts to herd their huge flocks.
07:16In country, there was too rough and boggy to have tracks.
07:21Now, what did French country people like this do in the winter?
07:26There you go.
07:31Nurse!
07:33Nurse!
07:34She's out of bed again.
07:37So, Jo, Jo Brown.
07:41I'd like to quote a man that I met in the Aran Islands just off Galway.
07:44And I said to him, what do you do in the winter?
07:47And he went, fishing and ****.
07:49Nice.
07:50So, is that possible?
07:52You look like the lady was wearing stilts for a start.
07:55That is a major problem.
07:57Or a lady in a first floor window.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:10Are you tempted?
08:12Oh, here they come again, the bastard shepherds.
08:16Now, it's very extraordinary that, again, until very recently, a lot of French country people
08:21did this, not extraordinary for certain animals, but pretty extraordinary for humans.
08:26They're hibernated.
08:27Hibernated, yes.
08:28I mean, not true hibernation, their body temperature didn't drop and so on, but they essentially
08:33kind of slept.
08:35They would wake up once or twice, have a biscuit and go back to sleep again.
08:40Did they have to go in a cardboard box with a lot of straw?
08:44A lot of shared bodily walls.
08:44You got them out in March and had a look and looked underneath, and, no, no, not ready yet.
08:49So, they didn't hibernate as such, they were students?
08:53LAUGHTER
08:56Basically.
08:56Basically, yeah, that's true, they all crammed together for bobbing.
08:58Ooh, Lorraine Kelly's on, quick, get up.
09:01LAUGHTER
09:04LAUGHTER
09:04Can I do, that is a really shit life, isn't it?
09:07It's been six months of the year on stilts, and the rest of it is asleep.
09:10It is tough.
09:11How's that?
09:12As long as the other six months you're watching Lorraine Kelly, pad the problem.
09:16LAUGHTER
09:17Well, there you are, so French peasants used to hibernate in rural France until well into the 19th century.
09:22Now, what were 80% of French people unable to do in 1880?
09:28Count, add up.
09:29No, we're in the wrong discipline, as it were.
09:32Write their own name.
09:33Well, they couldn't write their own name and they couldn't read their enemies to them,
09:36but more importantly, if they could read and write, 80% of them didn't read and write in...
09:41French.
09:42Exactly.
09:43That's odd.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:45120-odd years ago, 80% of French people did not speak French.
09:50It was not the majority language of France.
09:52What, do they have all kinds of regional dialects?
09:54All kinds of regional, not just dialects, but languages.
09:57Those banks in the land, they probably spoke sheep, didn't they?
10:00A bit of a stilted version of it, yes.
10:04Yeah, yeah.
10:05Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:08They spoke Occitan, Breton, of course.
10:12Oxy-10's what you put on spots, didn't they?
10:15It does, well, there was something called that, didn't there?
10:17There used to be a language you knew.
10:18Yeah, particularly acne-ridden area of France.
10:24Franco-Provençal, Flemish, Basque, of course.
10:29There were some of the major languages which are completely unrelated to French.
10:32And this is a sort of map of linguistic areas of France, yeah.
10:35And there were 50, at least, dialects and hundreds of sub-dialects.
10:39So, Le Bon Francais, as they call it, proper French, was only spoken by 20%.
10:44Where did they speak Flemish, then?
10:46Up near the Belgian border.
10:48What's the difference between a Belgian kiss and a French kiss?
10:51Go on.
10:52A Belgian kiss is like a French kiss, but with more phlegm.
10:55Hey, very good.
10:58Why, thank you.
11:00Are we accurately representing the French?
11:02I don't think we are.
11:05I'm wearing ladies' knickers.
11:06That's probably a more accurate...
11:09Are we more accurately representing the cast of the film, The Wild Geese?
11:15Yeah.
11:15Yeah, Special Forces.
11:18Lord, sword, calling, Danny Ball.
11:20No, that's not The Wild Geese.
11:22That's very good.
11:24Excellent.
11:25Man has gone.
11:29That's what you do when you play in Germany.
11:33I can do one from The Great Escape.
11:35Go on.
11:35Let me come with you.
11:36I can see.
11:37I can see perfectly.
11:44Very good.
11:46Donald Pleasant, to a T.
11:48Joe, do you have anything to offer in the world of war films?
11:52Mary Poppins.
11:54Get back to work, you slag.
12:00Maybe I'm thinking of the porno verse.
12:03Mary Popshot, I've seen that.
12:07Oh, dear.
12:08Mary Popps in.
12:11Mary Popps in and out.
12:12Yeah, right, right.
12:14So, please, let's pull ourselves together.
12:19It's so nice to fornicate with Mary.
12:25Oh, dear.
12:28In 1880, most French people couldn't speak French.
12:31According to a census in that year, only about one in five residents of what we now call France were
12:36fluent in French.
12:38French famously has only a quarter of many words as English.
12:41So, they quite often have to use ours, but sometimes they get it a little wrong and a little lost
12:47in translation.
12:48So, traduise, s'il vous plaît.
12:50What means earn people?
12:53Look at that typical English person.
12:55This programme is really normally effective.
12:57We in no way confer to stereotypes here.
13:00The new hierarchy lie.
13:02Yes, here is an accountant and, for some reason, Arthur Daly.
13:07That's not a Frenchman.
13:09And it's like, oh, I'll tell you, I've got two fingers for you here, you c*****.
13:12Look at that.
13:16Look at that.
13:17Look at that s**t in the hat over there.
13:18F*****.
13:18Look at that.
13:21That's a tall French.
13:23I don't know, the white polonix is quite French.
13:25He dropped his fag and he doesn't even know it.
13:29Do you know, I wouldn't be surprised if he had a cigarette.
13:34An invisible cigarette?
13:35But it's been photoshopped out because the British public aren't allowed to see cigarettes.
13:40The only advert I would agree to do is one for fags.
13:45They're bloody lovely and you might not get cancer.
13:49I mean, you know.
13:50That's a very fine slogan.
13:53Excellent word.
13:54But don't listen to me.
13:55Listen to Swery Bob.
13:57Yeah, it's a f***** right.
13:59Look, they photoshopped this f***** out.
14:04I can't be over there right f***** about him, we do.
14:06Because it's f***** lovely.
14:09He's not French, Stephen, please.
14:11Okay.
14:13Let's at least get someone with onions in.
14:15We're no closer.
14:16We're no closer to discovering what les people means.
14:19Oh, the in crowd.
14:20The kind of the hit now.
14:22It's even worse than that.
14:25What is our current obsession with in England?
14:28Celebrities.
14:28Celebrities.
14:29Celebrities.
14:29Celebrities are the people.
14:31Oh, pathetic, isn't it?
14:31Oh, mares.
14:32What is brushing?
14:36Brushing?
14:37Brushing.
14:38Brushing.
14:38Is it a dental thing, is it or not?
14:40It's not dental, but it is, it does involve the, the heddle area.
14:44Cut your hair.
14:45Someone would do it to you in a salon.
14:47Oh, how lovely.
14:49Somebody licks your hair in a salon.
14:52I pay for it.
14:53Fair enough.
14:55Maybe 40 quid for lick it.
14:59Oh.
14:59Oh.
15:02Oh.
15:02Stop it.
15:06For 50 quid we'll get a cow, I'll come in and lick it.
15:08Yeah, yeah.
15:10I'm not talking about the hair on my head.
15:12Oh.
15:13Oh, no, please.
15:14Enough already.
15:16It's a blow dry.
15:18Blow dry.
15:19Brushing is a blow dry.
15:21And what is urn re-looking?
15:23A blow job.
15:25No.
15:26Is it a double take?
15:30It's an example of the breed of it, I may say.
15:33A repeat.
15:34Not a repeat.
15:35It's another thing which was very popular.
15:37There were television shows devoted to it.
15:39Oh, a clip show?
15:41No, no, no, that's more logical.
15:44It's, it's weird.
15:45It's, it's a...
15:46It's a sort of reinterpretation or something?
15:48Yeah, it's a makeover.
15:50Oh, right, okay.
15:52A makeover is a re-looking.
15:54Is it?
15:55A re-looking is a makeover.
15:57How does this...
15:58A re-looking extreme.
16:00Yeah.
16:00How does this...
16:01How does this Academy Francaise allow this?
16:04It doesn't.
16:04The Academy Francaise would not accept these.
16:07They wouldn't go into a French dictionary.
16:08But they are used all the time.
16:09Usage, in the end, is the arbiter final, surely.
16:13Finally, Vaseline.
16:16To grease yourself up, Stephen.
16:18Oh, dear.
16:19No.
16:20Vaseline, that's like the two Spanish firemen,
16:22Jose and Jose B.
16:24That's the point.
16:27Oh, very good.
16:29Jose, Jose.
16:30To buffer someone up.
16:31Yes, exactly right.
16:33Yes.
16:33To flatter, to buffer someone up.
16:35Very good.
16:36Excellent.
16:38Excellent, excellent, excellent.
16:40Now, this is the original design
16:42for a familiar French object.
16:44What is it?
16:48Oh.
16:48There's an elephant in your room.
16:50Oh, no.
16:50How did you find that elephant?
16:52That's from Lasso.
16:54That was like a year ago.
16:55We were offering bonuses for elephants.
16:59Must have been there for a year.
17:00That's all I can survive.
17:01Well, just for cheek, I'll give you ten points.
17:04I think it's brilliant.
17:06Extraordinary.
17:08Um, this, this was a design for an object
17:12that was going to go in a place
17:14where now a more familiar landmark.
17:16Uh...
17:16Est-ce que c'est le Torre Eiffel?
17:18Non, ce n'est pas le Torre Eiffel.
17:20Arc de Triomphe.
17:20Ah, c'est, uh, le Moulin Rouge?
17:22Not the Moulin Rouge.
17:23The Arc de Triomphe.
17:24The Arc de Triomphe.
17:25Well, the Arc de Triomphe now is
17:26in l'Etoile at the end of Champs-Elysées.
17:28This was a design to celebrate
17:30the glorious achievements of Louis XV
17:33in the shape of an elephant,
17:34as you may have noticed.
17:36Really?
17:37Yes.
17:38It was a grand kiosk
17:40to the glory of the king.
17:41Um, and...
17:43A kiosk?
17:44Yeah, they called it a kiosk.
17:45Selling fags, is it?
17:49It...
17:50It was to have a form of air conditioning
17:52and furniture that folded into the walls,
17:54a drainage system in the trunk,
17:56which would also serve as a fountain.
17:58You could hold balls and banquets inside it.
18:01A drainage system serving as a fountain.
18:03Well, kind of, I guess.
18:05There is a large elephant, I believe, in Bangkok,
18:07a building in the shape of an elephant in Bangkok.
18:09Huge building.
18:10But this sadly never happened.
18:12Instead, the Arc de Triomphe,
18:14which is the largest triumphal arch in the world,
18:16was placed a little later,
18:1850 years later, by Napoleon,
18:20to celebrate...
18:21You see, now the Arc de Triomphe just looks shit.
18:24Doesn't it? So dull.
18:25It's basically the marble arch, isn't it?
18:27It's not much more than Wellington's Victory Arch,
18:29but it's bigger.
18:30Do you know what it celebrates?
18:32Which victory?
18:33Austenitz.
18:34Austenitz is exactly right, yes.
18:36Crikey, well done.
18:37Very smart.
18:40And in 1919, Charles Godfoy, an aviator,
18:43flew his plane through it
18:44to celebrate the end of the war.
18:46I bet he was pleased there wasn't an elephant there.
18:48Very.
18:49And unfortunately, of course,
18:51Hitler marched there.
18:52To celebrate the beginning of the war.
18:54Well, kind of, yes,
18:55to celebrate his occupation.
18:56New found friends.
18:57Yes, his new friends, exactly.
19:01So the answer was the Arc de Triomphe.
19:03It was planned in the shape of an enormous,
19:06high-rise elephant
19:07with air conditioning,
19:08a spiral staircase draining system in the trunk.
19:10Now then,
19:11what are the symptoms of Paris Syndrome?
19:14It exists?
19:16Paris Syndrome.
19:18I had to explain to me who that was.
19:20Yeah.
19:21Is it auditory hallucinations in the third person,
19:25night's move thinking,
19:26and an inability to crochet?
19:30No.
19:32It's very specific,
19:34and I like that.
19:35You have to picture the Japanese
19:37who are taught,
19:38as many people are around the world,
19:40that Paris is the center of sophistication,
19:44elegance, artistry,
19:45cosmopolitan,
19:47élite,
19:47and savoir-faire.
19:48And they arrive in Paris,
19:50and almost everything the French do
19:52is something that Japanese people find very difficult.
19:56Almost everything in the French language
19:57and the way it's spoken
19:58is to them somehow kind of offensive.
20:01Plus, they have to walk miles,
20:02they've got jet lag,
20:03and they suffer from Paris Syndrome,
20:05and at its most serious,
20:06an average of 12 people a year
20:08have to be expensively repatriated to Japan.
20:11There is a 24-hour helpline
20:14in the Japanese embassy in Paris
20:16for Japanese people
20:17who are traumatized by the experience,
20:20the disappointment,
20:21the horror,
20:22the offense to their sensibility of Paris.
20:25That's extraordinary.
20:25Isn't that fabulous?
20:27That is fabulous.
20:28I think it reflects well on the Japanese myself.
20:31I'd definitely had that when I went there.
20:33Yeah.
20:34Miserable bastard.
20:36If you are traumatized by Paris,
20:38you're going to be traumatized
20:39by the French medical system, aren't you?
20:41Because what the French always do,
20:43whatever ailment you have,
20:44they give you a suppository.
20:45Up the bottom,
20:46you're quite right.
20:47Don't they?
20:47Because they want to get it.
20:48That's their answer for everything.
20:49Yeah.
20:50So Paris Syndrome
20:51is an extreme form of culture shock
20:53that affects Japanese tourists.
20:54Now, who were described
20:56as a bunch of lunatics
20:58and a woman?
21:02The words right out of my mouth.
21:04Yeah.
21:05We're in France still.
21:06In Paris, in fact.
21:10Nice.
21:12Was it the first revolutionary committee?
21:15No.
21:15In that long?
21:16No, it wasn't.
21:17Nice thought.
21:18The woman's name was
21:18Berthe Moriseau.
21:19Does that help?
21:22Who was Berthe Moriseau?
21:23She was the sister of someone,
21:26wasn't she?
21:26She was.
21:26She was the...
21:28She was a painter
21:29in her own right,
21:31an impressionist painter.
21:33It was the impressionists.
21:36The impressionists generally
21:37were described as this.
21:38Now, of course,
21:39amongst the most valuable art
21:40in the world
21:41and amongst the most
21:42agreed upon
21:43in its lusciousness.
21:44But at the time
21:45was considered
21:46absolutely horrific.
21:48Horrific,
21:48unfinished,
21:49nonsensical,
21:50drivel,
21:51artless,
21:52in fact,
21:52and valueless.
21:54And the word impressionist
21:56was an insult.
21:57It was given
21:58by a critic.
22:00Hello.
22:04Karen Weiss.
22:06It was just getting
22:07really itchy.
22:08Oh, well,
22:08we can't have that.
22:17You look like
22:17a Greek Orthodox minister there.
22:20That's exactly
22:21what I was looking for.
22:22You were going for the
22:23argumentary, look.
22:25It's odd.
22:26Bishop Macario.
22:27I miss Macario.
22:28Yeah.
22:28Lovely.
22:30Super.
22:31Um, anyway, yes.
22:33Um, anyway, yes.
22:36in the world of
22:40the impressions,
22:41do you like them?
22:43No.
22:44Well,
22:46I've made no impression
22:47on these demons.
22:48And, uh,
22:49they've not done their work?
22:50No.
22:51No.
22:51The reason I knew
22:52the answer to that
22:53was because when I was,
22:54uh,
22:54when I was 18,
22:55when I finished my
22:56a-levels,
22:57about four mates
22:58and myself
22:59went to Paris
23:00for a week
23:01and went to
23:03the Giro de Pomme
23:04or wherever
23:04the Impressions Museum
23:06was at that point
23:06and stood in front
23:07of all these pictures
23:08by Manet
23:09and the kind of views
23:10of Rouen Cathedral,
23:11Rien's Cathedral
23:12or something
23:12and started doing
23:13that really awful thing
23:15of going,
23:15oh, what tremendous
23:16use of light.
23:16And at that point,
23:17I actually did think,
23:18not for the first time
23:19in my life,
23:20I just thought of myself,
23:21what a tosser
23:25I am being.
23:26And it sort of
23:27effectively cured me
23:27of that sort of thing.
23:29We had Mr. Bradshaw
23:30for art.
23:31Yeah.
23:33And on the first day,
23:34he gave us all,
23:35this is double art,
23:36so it was 80 minutes
23:38of art.
23:39Mm-hmm.
23:39And he gave us each
23:40a copy of the Observer
23:41Book of Artists
23:42and told us to read it
23:44in silence.
23:47I was really bored.
23:48We were all bored
23:49and started actually,
23:50ironically, doodling.
23:54Very ironic.
23:55And doing stickmen
23:56football matches
23:57and things like that.
23:57And then he said,
23:58do a size of a postage
24:00stamp painting
24:01of something you'd like
24:02to paint properly.
24:03And I did a steam engine.
24:05I was quite pleased
24:06with it,
24:06but I couldn't,
24:08after a while,
24:08I didn't like it so much.
24:09And I did a black line
24:10all around it.
24:12And then I thought
24:13it looked great.
24:14Quite dramatic.
24:15And he came and said,
24:16there wouldn't be
24:16a black line around it,
24:17would there?
24:17And painted it out.
24:19What?
24:20And then I went
24:21to an art gallery
24:21somewhere one day
24:22for no reason
24:23other than it was
24:23raining probably.
24:25And there was
24:26some really famous
24:26painter,
24:27and everything in all
24:28of his paintings
24:28had a black line around it.
24:30Yes, the famous painter,
24:32Bradshaw.
24:40I went to, oddly enough,
24:42to the Louvre,
24:43to the Hogarth exhibition.
24:45And what they don't like
24:46at the Hogarth exhibition
24:47is when you go from print
24:48to print and you go,
24:48there's Wally.
24:51There he is.
24:52Really easy to see,
24:53because he's in red and black
24:54and they're black and white.
24:54Oh, there he is.
24:55Do you think a Hogarth,
24:58the thing he must be
24:58most pissed off about
24:59is that he's basically
25:00remembered for being
25:01a roundabout on the A40
25:02of the A40?
25:03Yeah, on the A40.
25:05All that work.
25:06Poor Hogarth.
25:08I know more about theatre.
25:10Right.
25:12French theatre people.
25:13Oh, Roger Blanc
25:14and Jean-Louis Barrault.
25:16No, not them.
25:17Oh, right.
25:18Sarah Bernard.
25:21Jeunet,
25:22UNESCO.
25:23Yeah, I'll speak about them.
25:24I was just saying earlier,
25:26Jean Jeunet,
25:26a friend of mine
25:27was at a dinner party
25:28with the novelist
25:29Anthony Burgess
25:29and said,
25:30what do you think of
25:30Jean Jeunet?
25:31And he said,
25:32masturbator and
25:32excremental narcissist.
25:36Fair enough.
25:38It's a good thing
25:38to have a new gravestone,
25:39isn't it?
25:40I wish.
25:40What do you do?
25:41I'm an excremental narcissist.
25:43I thought of that
25:44in a seminar.
25:45I would run down a tree.
25:46Do you know what
25:47the great influence
25:47on the impressions was?
25:48What really, in a way,
25:50kick-started their entire
25:51way of painting
25:52and looking at the world?
25:53Was it alcohol?
25:54No, I think
25:55it had sustained
25:56many of them.
25:56It was a complete export.
25:58It's something
25:58we've been talking about.
25:59It's Japan.
26:00When Japan opened up
26:01again in the 1850s,
26:03all kinds of Japanese
26:04artefacts flooded
26:05into Europe
26:06and the British
26:06but particularly
26:07the Parisians
26:08were absolutely
26:09obsessed with it.
26:10Writer of Van Gogh
26:11had an enormous
26:11collection of Japanese
26:12prints and they
26:13particularly were
26:13astonished by the
26:14wrappings.
26:15The ordinary wrapping
26:16paper that was used
26:17for objects that came
26:19in combs and
26:20hairbrushes were
26:21wrapped and they
26:21had this extraordinary
26:22way of this rough,
26:24simple way of painting
26:25and conveying things
26:26that completely
26:27transported these people.
26:29And how do they
26:30reward them?
26:30by being rude to them
26:31in restaurants
26:32and not serving them.
26:34Now, what comes
26:36from Paris,
26:37has short legs
26:37and a big head,
26:38wears a permanent
26:39grin and refuses
26:40to act its age?
26:42President Sarkozy,
26:43I think.
26:50not him.
26:52We're thinking of
26:53something that isn't
26:53human.
26:54Madame Cholet.
26:57Very good.
26:58Is it a panda or
26:59something ridiculous
27:00like that?
27:01No, it's a Mexican
27:02creature and it,
27:04if you think of a
27:04Mawa.
27:05No, it's a really
27:06nice, crunchy,
27:08Aztec-sounding
27:08word, like their
27:09mountains.
27:10What are their
27:10mountains called in
27:11Mexico, you know?
27:12Popa, popa,
27:13popa, popa,
27:14popa, popa,
27:15popa, catapetal,
27:16that, cotopaxi,
27:17popa, all that
27:18sort of name.
27:18This animal has a
27:19name like that.
27:21Axolotl.
27:23Axolotl is the
27:23right answer.
27:24Well done,
27:25Oh, I'm being so
27:25intelligent tonight.
27:27Yeah.
27:27What's come over me?
27:29Five points to
27:29Joe for Axolotl.
27:31Yay.
27:32Yeah, yeah.
27:33Aren't they cute
27:34looking?
27:34There are species
27:36of animal that
27:37sort of branched
27:40off from the
27:41mane.
27:41They stopped
27:43metamorphosing.
27:43You know the way
27:44a tadpole turns
27:45into a frog?
27:46Well, this is how
27:47this should be
27:48halfway through the
27:48life of a
27:49salamander.
27:50But instead,
27:52there's a sort of
27:53subspecies of
27:53salamander that
27:55decided it liked
27:56being halfway
27:56through and not
27:57turning in to a
27:59salamander.
27:59But it can be,
28:01if you inject it
28:01with iodine,
28:02it will turn into
28:03a salamander.
28:04It will also go
28:05bright yellow,
28:06presumably,
28:06won't it?
28:07It will go,
28:08I think it's a
28:08tiger salamander,
28:09it will go a rather
28:09mottled colour.
28:10So it's a really
28:11extraordinary,
28:12because they're very
28:12popular pets,
28:13because they've got
28:14little cheeky,
28:15grinny faces.
28:15What a great hobby.
28:17I'm an axolotl
28:18transformer.
28:18I walk around
28:19with a syringe full of
28:21iodine looking for
28:22axolotls.
28:23Salamander.
28:25Salamander.
28:27Salamander.
28:28And they have
28:29other extraordinary
28:30properties that make
28:31them very interesting.
28:32healthy, they heal
28:33without scarring,
28:34and if you cut an
28:35arm off, it grows a
28:36new one.
28:37Because in a sense,
28:38they're almost made
28:39of stem cells, so
28:40they teach scientists
28:41an enormous amount
28:42about the way stem
28:43cells work.
28:44And they are
28:44unbelievably cheerful.
28:45They're so cheerful.
28:47And they, partly
28:48because they can
28:49regenerate.
28:50They're like the
28:51cheerleader in
28:51Heroes, aren't they?
28:52Yeah.
28:53They are, exactly
28:54that.
28:54They're like her.
28:55If you inject her
28:56with iodine, she might
28:57become a salamander.
28:58That would be
28:58interesting.
28:59She might, well.
29:00Season three.
29:01Yeah, season three.
29:02They're popular pets,
29:04especially in Japan,
29:05oddly enough.
29:06They're not smiling
29:07when they get there,
29:08are they?
29:09No.
29:09They come from Mexico.
29:11There's one particular
29:12lake, well, two,
29:13but one of them's
29:14dried up, and the
29:15other one is now a
29:15series of canals and
29:16things.
29:17It's under Mexico City.
29:18And in the 19th
29:19century, six axolotls
29:21were taken to this
29:21French scientist who
29:23examined them.
29:23And almost all the
29:24axolotls in the world
29:25that are used as pets
29:26and everything are
29:27descended from those
29:28six.
29:28They breed them,
29:29do they?
29:29And you can buy them
29:30in Paris,
29:31as a parent of loot.
29:32They're very popular
29:33pets.
29:34They live underwater,
29:35and they're cheerful,
29:37as you see.
29:38And have they all
29:39got dreadlocks?
29:41Well, that's the
29:41ferny bit I mentioned.
29:43It is ferny, isn't it?
29:44And what does it do?
29:45It's those are gills.
29:46External gills.
29:46Yeah, yeah.
29:48My ears are starting to
29:49look a bit like that
29:49now.
29:52Now, axolotls was the
29:53answer.
29:54A species of salamander
29:55that have refused to
29:56grow up.
29:57Most of the world's
29:57surviving population
29:58are descended from six
29:59that were imported into a
30:01Parisian lab in 1863.
30:04Napoleon once said an army
30:05marches on its stomach.
30:07Why would you want a
30:08Frenchman by your side in
30:10a fight?
30:12There is a Frenchman.
30:13Give me five points if
30:14you know who that
30:15Frenchman is.
30:16That's Andre the Giant.
30:16It is Andre the Giant.
30:18You're absolutely right.
30:18He was a well-known
30:19wrestler.
30:20Yeah, yeah.
30:21And also starred in an
30:23excellent film.
30:24Called The Princess Bride.
30:25The Princess Bride.
30:26You're right.
30:26Point for you, I think.
30:27Trivia points, yes, but
30:28not real points.
30:31Excellent.
30:32Which is his normal
30:32body colour?
30:34I think...
30:35He's going to a party
30:36at Judith Chalmers' house
30:37in one, and then in the
30:38other, he's going around
30:38the Smurfs.
30:40I'll give you 50 points
30:41if you can tell me who
30:43used to drive him to
30:44school when he was a
30:45boy.
30:45Was it...
30:46President Sarcosi.
30:47Vanessa Feltz's arms?
30:49No.
30:50It was a Nobel Prize
30:51winner.
30:52And who's in Wisden.
30:54As a cricketer.
30:56Allons, on ne peut pas,
30:57pourquoi on attendes
30:59Godot?
31:00Oh, Beckett.
31:01Samuel Beckett.
31:02Is he in Wisden?
31:03Yes, he is in Wisden.
31:04The only Nobel Prize winner
31:06in Wisden, I believe.
31:07What's he in Wisden for?
31:08He was a fine cricketer
31:09in his day.
31:10In Ireland, as a young man.
31:11He was an excellent
31:12cricketer.
31:13The Mick doesn't play
31:14cricket skier.
31:17What did he used to do
31:18to Andre, the wrestler?
31:20He used to drive him to
31:21school.
31:21And he had this condition,
31:23Andre, which meant that
31:25his growth hormone
31:26couldn't be stopped.
31:27And so he had 13-inch
31:28wrists, for example.
31:30He was huge.
31:30He was really huge.
31:32But we use him as an
31:33example of a French
31:34soldier, which he wasn't
31:35really.
31:35But why would a French
31:36soldier be a good person
31:37to have by your side?
31:39Are they good at fighting?
31:40Well, that's really
31:42the point.
31:42Yes, they are, despite
31:43their reputation for being
31:45miserable cowards.
31:46Always losing.
31:47Yeah.
31:47After always losing,
31:48they didn't.
31:49It seems, according to
31:50Niall Ferguson, the historian,
31:52of the 125 major European wars
31:55fought since 1495,
31:56the French of 1450,
31:58more than Austria,
31:59which is 47,
32:00and England, 43.
32:02And they achieved an
32:03impressive average.
32:04Out of a total of 168
32:06battles fought since 387 B.C.,
32:09they've won 109,
32:11lost 49,
32:12and drawn 10.
32:14Yeah.
32:14That's pretty good.
32:16Put the glasses back on.
32:18Yeah.
32:18Just pop them back on.
32:20Yeah.
32:21Now, people flicking over
32:22the channel may suddenly
32:23think that they're seeing
32:24a Benny Hill retrospective.
32:29Hello, viewers!
32:33There's a touch of that.
32:34Oh, if only Henry McGee was on
32:36tonight.
32:36What a show you'd have.
32:38Yeah.
32:38We are speaking with
32:39Mr. Fred Scuttle.
32:41Yes, we are, sir!
32:43I have been hosting quiddies
32:46for some 20 years.
32:49My father used to build
32:51concrete barriers to stop
32:52cars, ballards.
32:53It's true, sir!
32:57We miss him.
32:57We miss him dearly.
32:58The world needs Benny.
32:59Anyway, that's the point.
33:01Despite, what did
33:01groundskeeper Willie
33:02famously call them?
33:04Ah, cheese-eating
33:05surrender monkeys.
33:05Cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
33:08Despite that reputation
33:09for not being...
33:09In fact, there was a time
33:11when if you googled
33:11French military victories,
33:14Google returned,
33:15because someone had written
33:15a very clever little
33:16program inside it,
33:17they returned,
33:18did you mean
33:19French military defeats?
33:22It was extremely unkind.
33:24They've had a bad
33:24recent record there,
33:25haven't they?
33:26Well...
33:26They're going from
33:27387 B.C.
33:28Obviously, Napoleon
33:30ultimately lost.
33:31A lot of victories
33:31on the way,
33:32but then we got
33:33the cane out
33:34of the cupboard
33:35and we gave him
33:35a damn good thrashing.
33:43Now, les jeux sont faits,
33:45rien ne va plus.
33:46Nous sommes arrivés
33:47à la pointe
33:48in le show
33:49where the TGV
33:51of savoir-faire
33:52hits the brick muir
33:53of je ne sais quoi
33:54avec la ronde
33:56qui s'appelle
33:56general ignorance.
33:58So, fingers on buzzers,
33:59Alain,
33:59what did the Romans
34:00like to wear?
34:03The Romans.
34:03Togas.
34:07Sandals.
34:08They wore sandals.
34:09Sandals.
34:09They did wear sandals.
34:10But Togas,
34:12although they did wear
34:13Togas,
34:13they expressly
34:14did not like
34:14wearing them.
34:15They were huge
34:16and unwieldy.
34:17Sick of this thing.
34:19They actually,
34:20Augustus the Emperor
34:20had to pass a law
34:22making Romans
34:23wear them
34:23within the Forum
34:24because he didn't
34:25like them not wearing them.
34:26But they were huge things.
34:27They were vast
34:28and they were very hard
34:29to put on.
34:30You had to keep
34:30your left arm up
34:31in order for it
34:32not to slip off you.
34:33And they were
34:33totally unwieldy.
34:34That is a toga.
34:35That semicircle,
34:37sort of,
34:37that mandarin slice
34:39there is a toga
34:40next to a human being.
34:41It's a great
34:41semicircle of material.
34:43That's a man
34:43windsurfing.
34:46We had a toga party
34:47at my house
34:48in 1982.
34:49And I'm sure
34:50you used much more
34:50convenient togas.
34:52Sheets.
34:52Sheets,
34:53exactly.
34:54Duvet covers
34:55with a hole in.
34:55My friend Danny
34:56had a pink sheet
34:57with Pontine's
34:57holidays
34:58embroidered.
35:01He did not
35:02get off with anyone.
35:05I laughed all night
35:07every time I thought.
35:09Would they have
35:10different toga ratings
35:11of toga
35:11for the winter?
35:13The old Romans
35:14just like...
35:15Well,
35:15they had the toga
35:16puller,
35:16which was a dark toga,
35:17and they had the
35:18toga picta,
35:19which was a
35:19patterned toga,
35:20and they had the
35:21toga candida,
35:22and candida
35:23is the Latin
35:23for white.
35:24But the toga
35:25candida was worn
35:26by those who were
35:27entering an election
35:28from which we get
35:28the word?
35:30Candidate.
35:31Candidate.
35:31Comes from that.
35:33Points.
35:33Definitely a point
35:34or two for that.
35:35Now,
35:36why do racing
35:37cyclists
35:37shave their legs?
35:39Well,
35:40I hesitate to say
35:41for aerodynamic purposes.
35:44You may want
35:45to hesitate.
35:47But you still said it.
35:48That's what they do
35:49in their film,
35:49Breaking Away.
35:50No, you should know.
35:50Well, yeah,
35:51but you see,
35:52I've done the leg of it,
35:54yeah,
35:54but I believe
35:55that it was for the
35:56reason Alan said,
35:56I'm not going to let
35:57the buzz go off again.
35:58No, no,
35:58went twice,
35:59don't worry,
35:59you're safe now.
36:00Is it a sweat thing?
36:01Not quite that.
36:02It's a sort of odd
36:03series of reasons,
36:04it appears,
36:05but there's absolutely
36:06no aerodynamic advantage,
36:07and they know it,
36:08apparently,
36:08because they all
36:09obviously have their
36:10doctors and scientists
36:11helping them.
36:12Swimmers,
36:12of course,
36:12they have a 2% advantage
36:14by shaving in water,
36:15but the main reason given
36:16is that it makes it easier
36:17to clean out a wound,
36:19is one reason.
36:20Sticking clusters
36:20stay on better
36:21and pull off
36:22less painfully.
36:23They also,
36:24cyclists have their
36:24calves massaged
36:25an enormous amount.
36:26He also looks far better
36:27in stockings.
36:28And it's more comfortable
36:28than the shaving.
36:29And, yes,
36:30you're right,
36:30personal aesthetic
36:32considerations may also
36:33be a consideration.
36:34It's part of Le Look.
36:36Austrian cyclist,
36:37René Hasselbacher,
36:38had his shorts ripped off
36:40in the 2003 tour,
36:41and it emerged that he
36:42shaved the whole area,
36:43as you can probably see.
36:45Rather a Brazilian...
36:46Oh, I know.
36:46But still design a stubble.
36:49How odd is that?
36:50Yeah.
36:52Shaved from neck to toe.
36:53It's a shame
36:53it doesn't make any difference,
36:55because I've been using
36:56the fact that I didn't
36:56shave my legs
36:57as an excuse for going
36:58five hours slower
36:59than the guy who won.
37:01Which stage did you do?
37:03I did what was the...
37:04There's an open stage
37:05every year.
37:06Yeah.
37:06An amateur stage.
37:08And you're allowed
37:08to join in?
37:09You do it two weeks
37:10before they do it.
37:11So 8,000 of us did it.
37:13Oh.
37:14And by the end,
37:15there were 4,000 of us left
37:16at the end of it.
37:17I started in 2,400th place,
37:19and I finished in 3,400th place.
37:22Oh, no!
37:23You mean 1,000 people
37:24over to the house.
37:26By 1,000 people.
37:28And it took me...
37:30It took 11 hours
37:31to do this stage.
37:32The winner of the actual
37:33proper stage,
37:34when they did it
37:35the next week,
37:35was a guy called
37:35Vinacoroff,
37:36I think his name is.
37:37He did it in five hours,
37:38but he was using
37:40someone else's blood,
37:41and he was...
37:42He was thrown out
37:43the stage that night
37:44for blood doping.
37:45But it took me
37:46nine hours...
37:47It took me nine hours
37:49to catch up
37:50the bloke
37:50with the one leg.
37:52Oh!
37:54Well, I'm full of
37:56admiration for you here.
37:57I think it's absolutely
37:57wonderful.
37:58Now, why do Spaniards
38:00lisp
38:01when they speak?
38:02Because the king
38:03lisped
38:04and everyone copied him.
38:10Yeah, there is no evidence
38:12whatsoever for this,
38:13and if it were true,
38:14then they would lisp
38:14it all the time.
38:15They wouldn't say
38:16Espania,
38:17they'd say
38:17Espania,
38:18but they don't.
38:19Except there are very
38:20small areas
38:20where they lisp
38:21on the S as well,
38:22but that's considered
38:23very bumpkin-ish
38:23in Spanish,
38:24so it's just
38:25somehow one of these
38:26stories that's got around
38:27that isn't true at all.
38:28Do you know that story
38:29about Arnold Schwarzenegger
38:30when they'd made Terminator
38:32and they did a German
38:33version of it,
38:34and he said,
38:35can I please
38:35dub it back
38:36into German
38:37because I speak German?
38:39And they said,
38:41no,
38:41because he's Austrian
38:43and he sounds like a farmer.
38:46Now, where's John Connor?
38:48Are you looking for John Connor?
38:51Oh!
38:52Oh, you're coming
38:52to the future.
38:53Oh, you're back.
38:55Master of our visitor, baby.
38:57It's a hell of a
38:58thought.
38:59Oh, you want your jacket.
39:02Well, it certainly
39:03has nothing to do
39:04with sucking up
39:05to the king.
39:05It isn't technically
39:06a lisp,
39:07but a feature of
39:07pronunciation in Castile,
39:08no different from
39:09the curious northern
39:10British pronunciation
39:11of Bath and Grass,
39:12or, if you prefer,
39:13the curious southern
39:14pronunciation of Bath
39:16and Grass.
39:17Talking of kings,
39:18what did they call
39:19the man who won
39:20the Battle of Hastings?
39:21Harold.
39:23Ah, no,
39:23they'd lose him.
39:25And they lost,
39:26didn't they?
39:26Yes.
39:28William the Conqueror.
39:29William the Conqueror.
39:30William the Conqueror.
39:31Ooh, no.
39:33We call him
39:34William the Conqueror.
39:34What did they call him
39:35in the day?
39:36William Le Conqueror.
39:39But the fact is,
39:40the word William
39:41didn't exist at all
39:42as a name
39:43at the time
39:44of the conquest.
39:44He was known
39:45as Guillaume Batard.
39:46William the Bastard,
39:47in fact,
39:47was how he was
39:49universally known
39:49by the other French.
39:51it wasn't as rude
39:51to call him that.
39:53The bloke on the left
39:54appears to be
39:55riding a llama.
39:56I mean,
39:56that's definitely
39:57a horse on the right.
39:59I mean,
40:00he's got a parrot.
40:01He's a random pirate
40:03has arrived in the middle.
40:05Well,
40:05I have raved on a busy day
40:07here in Hastings.
40:09Who's that doing
40:10the embroidery
40:10over yonder?
40:11Get my good side.
40:13As you might see,
40:15in the top left corner,
40:16the word William
40:18is kind of developing.
40:19It's become
40:20Wilgelm.
40:21Wilgelm-um.
40:22Now, it's Wil-6-elm.
40:24Wil-Wilgelm-um.
40:25Normano, I like that.
40:26Normano.
40:26Is it Normano?
40:28Is that like
40:28medieval text-speak?
40:29They never put
40:30the whole thing in.
40:30They just thought,
40:31you know,
40:32see you later.
40:33We have been
40:34conquered.
40:36We've invaded Britain.
40:37Lol.
40:44O-M-G.
40:46Very good.
40:47So,
40:48they have indeed.
40:50That's basically
40:51the point.
40:51But all the Norman names,
40:52all the Saxon names
40:53disappeared within
40:5450 years of the invasion.
40:55All the earwigs
40:57and Ethelreds
40:58and all those
40:58sort of names
40:59disappeared.
40:59And it became
41:00Hugo and Robert
41:01and Richard
41:01and William
41:02became the most
41:03popular names.
41:04William,
41:04one in every seven
41:05men in England
41:06was called William
41:06within 50 years
41:08of William's
41:08conquering of England.
41:10Anyway,
41:10nobody called him
41:11William.
41:11The French
41:12called him
41:13Guillaume
41:13Le Bataard.
41:14As for the English,
41:15there was no equivalent
41:16name in Anglo-Saxon,
41:17so they just
41:18probably referred
41:19to him as
41:19the Bastard.
41:20But Sacré Bleu,
41:22and Zutalot,
41:23it is that time,
41:24ladies and gentlemen.
41:25Garçon,
41:26l'addition,
41:26s'il vous plaît.
41:27And I have the scores
41:28right in front of me.
41:30Here is the damage.
41:31Well, well,
41:31well, well,
41:32well,
41:32well,
41:32well.
41:33We have an
41:33outright winner,
41:34ladies and gentlemen,
41:35with 15 clear points.
41:37It's you,
41:37Dennis.
41:41Wow.
41:45In
41:47second place,
41:48in second place
41:49with Sank,
41:51it's Joe Brown.
41:53Look up,
41:54battle, girls.
41:58In third place
42:00with Minus Deux,
42:01it's Phil Jupiters.
42:07But with a
42:08magnifique Minus
42:10Tronc Neuf,
42:12minus 39,
42:13Alan Davis.
42:19Well,
42:20there we have it.
42:23It only remains
42:25for me to wish you
42:25au revoir,
42:27à bientôt,
42:28adieu,
42:28and to say
42:29thank you
42:30to Joe,
42:30Hugh,
42:31Phil,
42:31and Alan.
42:32I leave you
42:32with the perfect
42:34French-baiting headline
42:35from the Daily Telegraph
42:37of 1929,
42:38great storm in channel,
42:40continent isolated.
42:42Salut maintenant.
42:43Merci.
42:44Merci.
42:44Merci.
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