- 16 hours ago
First broadcast 19th November 2011.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Dave Gorman
Ronni Ancona
Lee Mack
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Dave Gorman
Ronni Ancona
Lee Mack
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, welcome to
00:05QI.
00:06Tonight we're all going to be pretty infantile.
00:09Playing mummies and daddies tonight are daddy cool Dave Gorman.
00:17Yummy Mummy Ronnie Ancona.
00:24Pappy Pappy Lee Mack.
00:30And the curse of the mummy's tomb, Alan Davies.
00:38So, why don't you give me a ring sometime? Dave goes.
00:44Ronnie goes.
00:48Lee goes.
00:52And Alan goes.
00:54For sales inquiries, press 1.
00:56For service, press 2.
00:57For two hours of irritating music, press 3.
01:00For more options, press 4.
01:02For fewer options, press 5.
01:04To see if one of our operatives emigrate to Mumbai.
01:08Thank you, Alan.
01:09And don't forget your nobody knows joker.
01:13Nobody knows.
01:14Yes, there may be a question tonight to which the true answer is that nobody knows.
01:18And if you can play your nobody knows joker, you get extra points.
01:22Your ignorance might indeed be bliss.
01:24So, here's an intimate question to start with.
01:27What did the Pope's father say to the baker's daughter?
01:32Who is the current Pope?
01:34It's German, is he?
01:35Ratsenberger.
01:36Ratzinger.
01:37Oh, yes.
01:37Yusuf Ratzinger was born in Germany, as we know he's a German Pope.
01:42And there he is.
01:43That's him on the right with those killer eyes that he still has.
01:46Someone say the far right.
01:47Yes.
01:48Yes.
01:52And his father, too, was called Yusuf.
01:54So, Yusuf Ratzinger Sr. married a baker's daughter.
01:59That's the mother in the middle.
02:00The question is, how did they meet?
02:02On the interweb.
02:03Yes.
02:04It was the equivalent.
02:05Speed dating.
02:06They were speed dating.
02:07Before the interweb and speed dating, there were.
02:10Singles ads.
02:11Singles ads.
02:13Would like to meet good sons of human required.
02:15Absolutely.
02:15This is what the Pope's father, Yusuf Ratzinger, who was a Bavarian policeman, wrote.
02:22He wrote, middle-ranking civil servant, single, Catholic, that's a relief, 43, immaculate
02:28past, from the country, is looking for a good, Catholic, pure girl who can cook well, tackle
02:34all household chores, with a talent for sewing and homemaking, with a view to marriage as soon
02:39as possible.
02:40He added, fortune desirable, but not a precondition.
02:46He was 43, she was 36, she was called Maria Pintner.
02:51They met up at a coffee house and were married four months later.
02:54Life was simple then, wasn't it?
02:56Life was simple then.
02:57It wasn't, that was not so much a single advert, more a job.
02:59Yes.
03:00It would be great if the Pope actually had an entry himself in the Lonely Hearts column,
03:06because then it would be something like, um, single guy, likes to wear a dress, drives
03:11a slow forklift truck, expects you to kiss his ring.
03:20E-Y-T-K-H-R, that would be, wouldn't it, E-Y-T, expect you, I expect you, I
03:25expect you,
03:26haven't they got abbreviations, like three letter abbreviations.
03:28And I have a list of abbreviations to test you on, to see how much you use, um, these
03:33singles and wanted ads, and, um, Craigslist and similar.
03:37So, uh, D slash D, what would that be?
03:40A, a divorced deviant?
03:44Nice idea.
03:45Divorced, a divorce, a D, D.
03:46Does it stand for large breasts?
03:49Don't maybe perhaps point, oh, C double D, oh, yes.
03:53Never got all nice, David.
03:54I've got, I've got you in the back, sorry.
03:56Can't quite my area of expertise, but I do understand that.
04:00Drugs are disorderly.
04:01Yeah, no, it actually means drug and disease free.
04:04Is it?
04:05Yes.
04:05Uh, in the code of these things, yeah.
04:08If you feel necessary to put that, that's just going to, really, that's just going to raise suspicions.
04:16NK?
04:17No knickers.
04:17Massive knockers.
04:20Sorry, I had an M.
04:22Massive, massive knockers.
04:24Yeah, no, he's no kids.
04:25A W-E?
04:27Weekends.
04:28That would be nice, but I'm afraid it's a little bit more physical than that.
04:31Well in doubt.
04:32Yes!
04:33No!
04:34It's been right on the show.
04:35I can't believe that.
04:36Why would you say that?
04:39Well in doubt.
04:39Just put that, wouldn't you?
04:40Just put well in doubt in the box number.
04:46Possibly, A-L-A-W-P might be the thing to do with W-E.
04:50A large and wavy penis.
04:54All letters answered with A-L-A-W-P, all letters answered with a penis.
05:03Photo.
05:05Sorry, photo.
05:05Dave is earning points.
05:06You know an awful lot about everybody, Colin.
05:10I-P-T?
05:11So you might get, for instance, I-P-T-BB-W.
05:14Big-breasted woman.
05:16Oh, so you know BB-W.
05:17Very good.
05:19Very good.
05:20Is partial to.
05:22Right.
05:23Yes.
05:23I-P-T-BB-W is partial to.
05:25I don't know if it's going to help me or not, but some of these acronyms are shared by the
05:28world of pornography.
05:30So you can take your pick as to how I know them, it's either from Lonely Hearts or from porn.
05:35That's right, yeah.
05:36Which would you rather we assume your knowledge comes from?
05:39I'm going to leave you guessing, Ronnie, I'm going to leave you guessing.
05:40So what would be W-E-S-H-M-W-L-T-M-BB-W for NSA fun?
05:47Does that stand, uh, no strings attached fun?
05:50Very good, Dave.
05:51N-S-A is a big-breasted woman.
05:53Yes, so W-E-
05:54A well-endowed.
05:56A well-endowed.
05:56S-H-M-H is an ethnic type in America in particular.
06:00Hispanic, yeah.
06:01Brilliant.
06:01So, well-endowed, single Hispanic male, W-L-T-M.
06:06Would like to meet.
06:07Would like to meet.
06:08BBW.
06:09Big-breasted woman.
06:09Big blue whale.
06:10For NSA fun.
06:12For no strings attached fun.
06:14Exactly.
06:14Which is when you're into puppetry, but of the glove puppet variety, not.
06:18Exactly.
06:19That's a sweet way of looking at it.
06:21Absolutely.
06:21Presumably were charged by the lettering newspapers, so that's why these-
06:26They used to save money, but you don't need that on the internet, do you?
06:28You could say, I have an enormous dong.
06:31You don't have to know, W-E, do you?
06:34But tiny testicles.
06:40B-T-T.
06:41B-T-T.
06:42In fact, it's actually an average-sized dong, but the testicles make it look enormous.
06:46So small.
06:48B-T-T.
06:49B-T-T.
06:50B-T-T.
06:51B-T-T.
06:51B-T-T.
06:52B-T-T.
06:53It's only the top of the show.
06:57Let's try to swim to the surface before we hit the depths.
07:02Man gasping for air seeks BBW.
07:04B-T-T.
07:06They used to be in San Francisco in the late 70s, there was a handkerchief code in the gay community.
07:12B-T-T.
07:12B-T-T.
07:12B-T-T.
07:14B-T-T.
07:14B-T-T.
07:14B-T-T.
07:14B-T.
07:14B-T-T.
07:16B-T-T.
07:16B-T-T.
07:17B-T-T-T.
07:19B-T-T.
07:26B-T-T.
07:27That's right, you're on Blackpool from the Golden Mile, but no, if you had yellow in your back left pocket,
07:33it meant you liked being peed on.
07:35And what does it mean if you were a yellow thing round your neck, hanging down?
07:46I like the idea of someone going to a club and he's got the yellow hanky and everyone else is,
07:51ugh, weirdo.
07:54I like the idea of a group of Morris dancers going on a trip to San Francisco.
07:59Send off very mixed signals wherever they go.
08:03Honestly, in the 70s there used to be cards, you'd go into a shop in Castro in the district in
08:07San Francisco and there would be these little laminated cards telling you the code so you didn't make a mistake.
08:12They'd have to be laminated.
08:20Oh wait, I don't know how this conversation has gone in this direction.
08:24Anyway, the Pope's parents met through a lonely hearts ad.
08:28What did the Viceroy of India's daughter like doing with flibbity-flop and jumpkins?
08:34If they're not rabbits, then something's amiss.
08:39If they do sound like rabbits, don't they?
08:41Flippity-flop and jumpkins.
08:43Are they body parts?
08:44They're not body parts.
08:45So who are we talking about?
08:47She was the daughter of one of the Viceroy's of India.
08:49In the days of the Raj, a man would be appointed Viceroy, i.e. Vice King of India.
08:55The last one was Lord Mountbatten before, you know, the independence of India.
08:59And this man was called Lord Lytton and his daughter Emily was quite an extraordinary Victorian figure.
09:04And she eventually ended up marrying Lutyens, the architect.
09:07He designed most of New Delhi.
09:09The huge pink palaces and things of New Delhi were Lutyens.
09:12And that's him there as an older man.
09:14And that's Emily, Emily X Lytton.
09:17He looks like she's just told a really dirty joke.
09:21This flibbity-flop and jumpkins, she had an evening playing flippity-flop and jumpkins.
09:26And I'm going to ask Ronnie to read out how she described her evening of flippity-flop and jumpkins.
09:31I assure you, no words can picture either the intense excitement or the noise.
09:36I almost scream in describing it.
09:38Look!
09:40She could be in the room.
09:41There you are.
09:43This was a description of whether she was 17 years old.
09:45She played this game, which was alternately known as flippity-flop or jumpkins, but has a much better name.
09:51Tiddlywigs.
09:51Yes!
09:52That was weird.
09:53You both said it at the same time.
09:55Absolutely brilliant.
09:56And I will give you each a little cut.
09:58It was originally called Tiddlywigs.
10:01For some reason, the second dip got dropped, so we call it Tiddlywigs.
10:05Just try hitting it into the target, though.
10:07So we have to try and get it in the hole?
10:08Yeah, you have the big one, and you have the little one that's called the Wink.
10:12Is this called the Squid Jacket?
10:13I think I went too hard.
10:14It is.
10:14Surely if that's called the Wink, this must be called the Tiddly.
10:17You'd think so.
10:19It's dry.
10:20But I do give a point to you for knowing it's called the Squid Jacket.
10:23Off the lip.
10:24It's meant to be, it's yellow and green versus red and blue.
10:28And they have, they do have lots of different, there's a squop.
10:31Yes.
10:32And a boondock.
10:34And my favourite move, there is a move, an official sort of, the language of Tiddlywigs is they have a
10:39thing called the good move.
10:40Right.
10:41And the good move is not called that because it's a good move, it's named after John Good.
10:45Oh, how wonderful.
10:46And so it's named for him.
10:47But the squop, you're right, is one of the most basic things.
10:49And what is a squop?
10:50A squop is where you're trying to tiddle your wink so that it lands on top of somebody else's wink.
10:54Exactly.
10:54Yes.
10:54And if you're, if you're weak...
10:56I can see why you're using those lowly hearts columns now.
11:05How'd you get, how'd you get the lift?
11:07No, you get the lift, actually, to be honest, we're not giving you felt.
11:10Oh!
11:10Oh, darling.
11:11You have to play on felt or bays, and then it works beautifully.
11:15Because then you've got some purchase.
11:16On a card table, yeah.
11:17This is my ideal gig, where I come on QI, but I don't have to talk, I just have to
11:20play Tiddlywigs.
11:21That's great.
11:22Oh!
11:22That's it!
11:25You can't get the lift!
11:26I had a brilliant lift there, you've ruined it.
11:28I told you, you said one.
11:29A good move, which is named after Jonathan Good.
11:31Yeah.
11:32Do you know what a page ranking is?
11:34This is sort of similar.
11:34You know, in Google terms, I have a page ranking.
11:36Oh, yes, absolutely, yes.
11:37And do you know why it's called a page ranking?
11:39Yes!
11:41No...
11:46So...
11:47I'm going to point out...
11:48I honestly thought you knew the answer to Dave's question.
11:52Finally, I've got one!
11:53I know why!
11:53So are you telling me that actually a page ranking is not because it's a web page, but it's something
11:58called page?
11:58It's named after Larry Page.
12:00Oh, it is.
12:00Of course.
12:01Yeah.
12:01Now I'm going to hand out some more toys, so there's even more fun to be had.
12:06Coits!
12:06I ought to tell you, the winner gets the teddy bear.
12:09Well, the fluffy toy, shall I say.
12:11You've got to be joking.
12:12Oh, you've really raised the steak snack.
12:14You will get the fluffy toy.
12:16We'll start with Dave.
12:17Okay.
12:18Okay.
12:18Good luck.
12:21Oh!
12:24Oh!
12:26Oh!
12:26Come on, for the pride of it.
12:28Come on.
12:29I've just got a bit of dirt in my pocket.
12:31Let's have a read.
12:40Oh, the tension!
12:44Oh!
12:45Did you see that?
12:46I saw it!
12:48I saw it!
12:48I saw it!
12:48I saw it!
12:48I saw it!
12:48I saw it!
12:48I saw it!
12:49I was there!
12:49I saw it!
12:49I saw it!
12:50I saw it!
12:50I was there!
12:52He'll be unbearable!
12:54He'll be unbearable!
12:54It's all right, he's already unbearable.
12:56And he'll get the bear.
12:57I was only joking before, I've got my own dirty mags in the dressing room.
13:01Don't let him get this!
13:02Watch out for the bloke!
13:03Don't let him get this!
13:05Don't let him get this!
13:06No!
13:08Yay!
13:08Yay!
13:10Yay!
13:11Yay!
13:13Yay!
13:16Yay!
13:20And here it is!
13:21Oh, it's like the fur ground!
13:23Yeah!
13:23It's like the fur ground!
13:24I never said you'd be like that!
13:26It's like the fur ground!
13:26I never said!
13:28Oh!
13:29Anything off the bottom!
13:30Anything off the bottom!
13:31Yes!
13:33If Lee was a nice man, he'd give that to you, Ronnie, but...
13:35That's true!
13:36I would!
13:39Congratulations, Lee!
13:40Thank you very much!
13:41A bullseye 25!
13:42So, okay, why oh why oh why did they ban rifle ranges inside tubs in Birmingham?
13:51Yes!
13:52Was it, er, common sense?
13:54You think so, but no, that wasn't the reason!
13:58Price of ammunition!
14:00No!
14:00We're talking about the early 20th century, when it became very important to have soldiers who were good at firing
14:07rifles.
14:07Why was that?
14:08Because of the war!
14:08The Burr War!
14:09Right!
14:10And so, they started having rifle ranges in pubs!
14:14It adds a new dimension to getting around in, doesn't it?
14:17It's what it does!
14:18And Birmingham was the very centre of the world's gun making, you know, BSA and other such rifle companies.
14:24Erm, and so, all these pubs would have rifle ranges inside, sometimes literally inside, you'd fire over the heads of
14:31customers at targets.
14:32But they banned it, and I want to know the reason why they banned it.
14:36Well, not just because there was an accidental death or something.
14:38No!
14:39No, the answer is not what you might say today, which is health and safety.
14:43It was another more puritanical reason, in a way.
14:46Either that picture's been mocked up, or they are really casual, those days.
14:49No, they still exist!
14:50There are still pubs with rifle ranges in them, in Devizes and Oswestry and places like that.
14:55They actually have pubs that still have rifle ranges.
14:58There's one there.
14:58You pull away the centre part of the bucket, and there's a tunnel, and you fire through it, and there's
15:02a target at the end.
15:03Somewhere in the world, there's a giant dog with stitches in his neck looking for that.
15:09It's a very small neck.
15:10Yeah.
15:11It's because people are gambling on it.
15:12Yes, Dave Gorman, you're absolutely right.
15:15That's the weird thing about Britain, then.
15:16They didn't care about the fact that live rounds were being fired over people's heads.
15:21It was the fact that it caused gambling.
15:23Is that why they introduced the curtain over the scoreboard?
15:26Yes, of course.
15:28To hide it.
15:30Is that the British version of a speakeasy?
15:34No, no.
15:34That's what it is.
15:35That's the very beautiful curtain it is, and immaculately measured.
15:40But one Worcester pub, until quite recently, you'd shoot from a bar across a passageway and into an outhouse.
15:44And some teams still shoot in the open bar.
15:47We've got Swindon, Devizes, Newport, Hinkley, Maneaton, Worcestershire, still have pubs with rifle ranges in them.
15:54There you are.
15:55Isn't that quite interesting?
15:57Very interesting, yeah.
15:58Oh, that's probably more than we were hoping for.
16:00Otherwise it would be called VI.
16:01It's only quite interesting.
16:02They did try to ban darts at one point because of gambling as well.
16:06Because it was deemed a game of chance.
16:09And I think it was in Leeds and it went to the magistrate and the landlord of a pub who
16:13wanted to keep his dartboard,
16:14brought in the sort of local expert and made him play and demonstrate that it was actually a game of
16:20skill.
16:20Because it was just seeing the idea was you were just sort of hitting the board like a fairground sort
16:23of game.
16:24And it was whatever you happened to hit was your score and it was well done you, you were lucky.
16:27And then he came along and hit a few treble twenties when asked.
16:30And they sort of proved it was a game of skill.
16:32Oh, that's very good.
16:33There are lots of pub games, of course.
16:35I'm sure you've played pub games in your time.
16:37You may be familiar with some of them.
16:39So you're busy drinking.
16:40Of course.
16:40Let's see if you can explain the rules of milking Cromach, Hanukin Can't Abide It or Laugh and Lie Down.
16:49Laugh and Lie Down, that is a box full of rehypnol.
16:53No.
16:55No.
16:56That's not...
17:01Well, milking Cromach, I would have thought that's a card game.
17:06Well, we know that Laugh and Lie Down and Hanukin Can't Abide It were card games.
17:10Oh.
17:10So I managed to get the only one that isn't the card game.
17:13Well, possibly because the time has now passed.
17:16But you're just in time.
17:17Nobody knows is the answer.
17:19No.
17:19Nobody knows.
17:21Yes.
17:22Nobody knows.
17:23Extra points for Dave.
17:24The fact is we only know these games exist because they're on lists of games that have been banned.
17:29So that there is statute that says it is illegal to play milking Cromach, Hanukin Can't Abide It or Laugh
17:36and Lie Down.
17:36And all you can do as a games historian is look at it and try and work out.
17:41But there is some evidence that those were card games.
17:43That's great.
17:44I looked at the idea of a barman just going, hey, are you playing milking Crom?
17:47No.
17:50But there are some we do know.
17:54Two phones running out, probably just one card going, oh.
17:59Obviously there are Dyson card games and dominoes.
18:01But there were games called Guile Bones, Noddy Board, Penny Prick, Hide Under Hat.
18:06Hide Under Hat, that would be a great game.
18:08I like it because it's self-explanatory.
18:10It is, really.
18:11It is.
18:12A massive hat or a small person.
18:16Both, really.
18:18But in 1938, a priest wrote to the Times complaining that there was a pub where they had on the
18:22billiard tables,
18:23tortoise races with little toy jockeys on top.
18:27I mean, the jockeys that make sense.
18:28I know, it's so sweet.
18:30These giant tortoises and real jockeys.
18:32Well, they sure should, you know, if only they had.
18:34That was in Weymouth.
18:35Competitive smoking was very popular.
18:37Oh, come on.
18:39That's right.
18:39See, if you can, and, and.
18:42He's a bit smug.
18:43Yeah.
18:44He's the champion.
18:45It still exists.
18:46It still exists.
18:47You obviously don't have to do it in an outside place or a smoking shelter.
18:51But who would win a smoking competition?
18:53I guess the first person to finish the pipe.
18:55No, the last person to finish the pipe.
18:57It's keeping the pipe alight for longest.
18:59Oh, it's like a real skill.
19:01It's how you pack the tobacco into the pipe,
19:02and then how few puffs you take at it so you don't burn it down.
19:07And you're telling me this didn't.
19:08It's something to give it for hours.
19:08And this didn't become a televised sport.
19:10I know.
19:10It's shocking.
19:11I know.
19:12It's terribly exciting.
19:13But it still exists.
19:14You have competitive smoking.
19:16Wow.
19:16So there are other games we can think of.
19:18And there was an ancestor of darts, you may be familiar with,
19:21a Belgian game.
19:22It was a pique in, in the French-Belgian or
19:24Streuf Vogelspel.
19:26And there it is.
19:27You use a duck.
19:28And the duck has the, has the sharp beak.
19:32It's rather weird.
19:33It's tied on the end of a line.
19:35It's a bit peculiar.
19:35You swing the bird round on a cord until the beak gets stuck in the board.
19:39That would be a good thing for a murder in Midsomer Murder.
19:42Wouldn't it?
19:43Actually, that would be brilliant.
19:45That's a good plot there.
19:46Is that the dartboard?
19:47Yeah, we can see the back of it.
19:49You swing that round and wherever the duck's beak lands is your score.
19:52She doesn't want to play.
19:53He's making her play.
19:54Yeah, she does.
19:55There was a betting game in Palms, which was rather distressing,
19:58called lark singing, which was very popular in Britain,
20:01but also particularly on the continent.
20:03And the one whose larks stopped singing last won all the money.
20:07And there was this terrible belief that if you blinded the lark,
20:09it would sing more.
20:10And there was a campaign to stop the blinding of larks,
20:13which was led by World War I blinded veterans.
20:19And some larks, I suppose.
20:20Which is where they knew that being blind wasn't a lark, exactly.
20:23But that was, unfortunately, a popular sport.
20:25Humanity's often been very cruel in its sport.
20:27I don't know why this reminds me of it,
20:29but there was an old variety act.
20:31He used to have a dancing duck on his piano.
20:33And he'd play the piano, not the right piano,
20:35and there'd be a duck that would just dance,
20:36and he'd just play a tune and the duck would dance.
20:38And then they worked out he had a hot plate in the top of the piano,
20:41and it was triggered by him playing the thing.
20:42So when he started playing it, it heated up,
20:44and then the duck would have to sort of...
20:46Oh.
20:47That was awful.
20:47Yes.
20:48And there's a magician who's still working, I think, in Spain,
20:51who does a trick where there's a goldfish tank
20:55on top of a load of face-up cards.
20:58Yeah.
20:58And he forces a card on you,
20:59and then his goldfish selects your card by swimming to it.
21:03And he's basically sewn a little magnet into the goldfish,
21:05and he moves his knees under the table and...
21:07Oh my God.
21:07Oh my Lord.
21:09Yeah, I know.
21:09The entertainment world is cruel with animals.
21:11It is, isn't it?
21:13Anyway, the fact is the rules of milking Cromack are lost forever,
21:16but it doesn't matter because we're not allowed to play it anyway.
21:19The most popular entertainment venue in the world
21:22used to be the Coney Island Amusement Park in New York.
21:26What was its longest-running attraction?
21:29Is it an elephant?
21:31No.
21:31Was it a bearded woman or...?
21:33No.
21:34Was it a bearded elephant?
21:36No.
21:37There was one particular woman who came to see this every week
21:40for all the 37 years that it was on the show.
21:42Cliff Richard.
21:43No, no, no.
21:47It was not what you might call usual entertainment.
21:50Ah, Cliff Richard.
21:51No.
21:54I'm just trying my way of framing this,
21:56to which Cliff Richard isn't the answer.
21:57This was a really peculiar, unlikely,
22:01no, that's not going to be anywhere.
22:03This is not what you'd associate with entertainment.
22:05No, that's not going to be anywhere.
22:07Barry Manilow.
22:09What about something you go and see on your summer holiday?
22:11No, that doesn't like it.
22:12Oh.
22:12I'm just going to have to tell you.
22:14It was children in incubators.
22:16Wow.
22:16The infant incubator with living infants.
22:21Premature children were put in incubators,
22:24there they were,
22:25and the public would come and see them.
22:26they'd pay a quarter, 25 cents.
22:28Was there a grabbing hat?
22:30Yeah.
22:39You are an evil man.
22:43It's an Angelina Jolie pick and mix.
22:47It does seem really weird to us,
22:49but the fact that it was a recent invention,
22:52it was invented in 1880,
22:53and no hospitals had them in America.
22:56It was a French invention,
22:57and the French inventor went round
22:59trying to persuade people they were a good idea,
23:01and this park thought, at Coney Island,
23:04what a great thing to do.
23:05We'll get all the premature babies
23:06that are born in New York,
23:08we'll send them to the incubator,
23:09put them in the incubator,
23:10people can come and look at them,
23:11and watch them thrive,
23:12and indeed they did thrive.
23:13It's probably just warm air.
23:14Yeah, it's a ventilated, sealed off area.
23:17This must have been laid open for abuse
23:21by pushy stage school mothers
23:24who were desperate to get their kids into,
23:26get into the incubator Lorelei,
23:29go on, get into the incubator.
23:30The mom, I'm 11, so squidge up a little.
23:33And if someone comes to look at you,
23:35do your shuffle three-step.
23:37If someone was seven months
23:40and their waters broke,
23:42were they then being driven to the funfair
23:43instead of the hospital to be near you?
23:45Yes, because the hospital didn't have any incubators.
23:48Yeah.
23:48It was only when, in 1940,
23:51that the New York City hospital
23:52invested in incubators,
23:54that they kind of went out of business
23:55as an attraction.
23:56It seems utterly weird to us,
23:58but it was the longest-running attraction
24:00at Coney Island.
24:01Anyway, staying with our infancy theme,
24:04here's a parenting poser.
24:06Eleanor Roosevelt considered herself
24:07a very modern mother.
24:09Where did she keep her baby?
24:11Oh, in a drawer, probably.
24:13It's almost as weird.
24:14It was a fad in the 1930s.
24:17Was it permanently attached to her
24:18in one of those things,
24:19what they called,
24:21papoose things?
24:22No, no.
24:22That would be fairly normal.
24:23We would consider this weird now.
24:25In New York,
24:26space is at a premium.
24:27It's obviously a limited amount of space in Manhattan,
24:29hence the skyscrapers and so on.
24:32And where do you put your baby?
24:33Well, hang it out the window in a cage.
24:41The baby cage.
24:42It caught on for a while.
24:44Was this the question
24:45that Michael Jackson was trying to answer?
24:50It is a bit disturbing,
24:51the baby cage.
24:52But there were 12 of them in Poplar in London.
24:54They died out during the Blitz,
24:55because obviously they were not suitable for the Blitz.
24:59Eleanor Roosevelt got severely criticised for it,
25:02and she was very upset.
25:03She recalled,
25:04it was rather a shock to me,
25:05for I thought I was being a very modern mother.
25:07But you can get extra points
25:08if you can tell me Eleanor Roosevelt's maiden name.
25:10Before she married FDR,
25:11she was Eleanor what?
25:13Rigby.
25:15Don't say it at the same time.
25:17No, she wasn't.
25:19Roosevelt.
25:20Yes!
25:21Well done!
25:22She was Eleanor Roosevelt.
25:24Very good.
25:28She was the niece of President Teddy Roosevelt,
25:31who was a fifth cousin of the man she married.
25:35Frankly, Delaney Roosevelt.
25:36So there was no incest of all.
25:37Fifth cousin.
25:37It was a long way away.
25:39It was just an amazing coincidence.
25:40Do you think she actually changed her name?
25:43No, seriously.
25:44Do you think she actually went and said,
25:45I'm now officially changing my name?
25:46Because you're not officially then got the same name.
25:48You've got the same name,
25:50but it's not the same as registering it as a changed name.
25:52Do you know what I mean?
25:54Do you know what I mean?
25:57Do you know what I mean?
25:57Do you know what I mean?
25:57Because I'm not sure I do.
25:58No.
26:00Do you see what I mean?
26:01I sort of know what you mean.
26:02That she missed out.
26:04She missed out on the excitement.
26:09Nobody knows what you mean.
26:11She missed out on the excitement of saying,
26:12I'm not going to try out my new name.
26:14Maybe she might have written her signature in a different way.
26:17Now, describe the miraculous secret machinery
26:20that the Chamberlain family used for delivering babies for 100 years.
26:25Do you go?
26:27Was it the, er, what's that thing called that you suck a baby out with?
26:33What?
26:33The Bontus.
26:34The Bontus.
26:35The Bontus.
26:35The Bontus.
26:36No, that was after.
26:36That was after.
26:37It must be the forceps.
26:40Yes.
26:41Because that's...
26:41Yes, they invented the forceps.
26:43And they realized how brilliant they were.
26:46But they were terrified.
26:47This was in the 17th, 18th century, around about, for 100 years.
26:51There was no patenting laws.
26:52So anybody could have copied it.
26:54And so what they would do is they would go into a house with this huge box,
26:57covered in a cloth.
26:59And so we've got our secret device here.
27:01They would go up, they would blindfold the mother.
27:03She'd start going, one, two, three, four.
27:06Blindfold the mother.
27:07Coming!
27:07No one else was allowed in the room.
27:11And then they'd play all these sound effects to make it seem as if it was a extraordinary piece of
27:15machinery.
27:16Yeah.
27:17And then they would get out.
27:19Here's an early...
27:20They're pretty disturbing, but there they are.
27:21I'm sure.
27:22That's forceps.
27:23There they are.
27:25But for literally 100 years, they kept their secret by disguising this simple device.
27:31Then they'd get them out and smirk at a barbecue.
27:33Just turning things out.
27:35Nobody knows.
27:36Nobody knows.
27:36Nobody knows.
27:39Now, epidurals.
27:40Do you know when the epidural was first devised?
27:43I would say...
27:441960.
27:46He died in 1949.
27:47He was a man called August Beer.
27:48And he first had this idea that if you put painkiller into the spine itself,
27:54then anything below the pain signals wouldn't get there.
27:57So he tried on an assistant.
27:58He injected his assistant's lower spine with cocaine, which is a topical anaesthetic.
28:04She fell over and said it worked.
28:05Was it he?
28:05It was a he.
28:06It was a he.
28:07They played Laugh and Laugh and Laugh?
28:09You then...
28:15Could have been worse.
28:16They could have then played Milking Craddock.
28:18Yes, you could.
28:19Well, he almost did.
28:19He made sure the air was numb by pulling the man's pubic hair, yanking his testicles...
28:25And he said,
28:26Anakin can't stabide it!
28:29He hit him in the legs with a hammer and singed his thighs with a cigar.
28:34And sure enough, the assistant felt no pain.
28:36So that is how the epidural came to be.
28:38He never walked again.
28:39But he...
28:39He was somewhat bruised.
28:44The first woman in history to have a baby under an anaesthetic.
28:49She was chloroform.
28:51She was so thrilled by the painlessness of the experience.
28:54She named her baby...
28:55Not chloroform.
28:57Not chloroform.
28:57No.
28:58Anesthesia.
29:00Isn't that quite a nice name?
29:02Isn't that like Samadino and tapioca?
29:04Yeah.
29:06It does sound like the most boring dinner party guest ever.
29:10Anesthesia's coming.
29:13Not again!
29:16There were...
29:17I mean, there are stories about this.
29:18It's hard to know quite how true it is.
29:19There were biblical objections to the idea of chloroform being administered to women in childbirth.
29:24Do you know why?
29:25Because pain is good for them.
29:27Well, there's a very specific reference.
29:28In the Bible.
29:29It's right at the beginning.
29:31Do you remember Eve gets Adam into a bit of trouble by making him eat the fruit?
29:35Yes.
29:35And God says,
29:36No, you ate the fruit of the tree whereof I spake thou shalt not eat.
29:39And to the woman, he says...
29:42You will marry Tom Cruise?
29:45No.
29:46Unto the woman he said,
29:47I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception.
29:51In sorrow shalt thou bring forth children.
29:54Yes.
29:54So as if God cursed women to have pain.
29:56So some ultra-religious people felt that it was basically God's curse and they should scream in agony while giving
30:02birth.
30:03But then Queen Victoria had one of her children Prince Leopold was born when she had chloroform and then the
30:08habit caught on and then the epidural and various other such things.
30:12I didn't know Victoria had a Prince Leopold.
30:15Yes, she did.
30:15Yes, I know.
30:16She had nine children, I think.
30:17They're all named after pubs.
30:22Yes.
30:22Yes.
30:24Very nice.
30:24Excellent.
30:25Here's another intimate little secret for you.
30:27How can you tell a French baby from a German baby?
30:31Yes, Veronica.
30:34A German baby will have wrapped itself in a towel before the midwife has even had a chance to fetch
30:39it.
30:43It's not often you can do the same joke twice in one show, but is the German baby on the
30:46far right?
30:47Hey!
30:49Is there a difference in cry?
30:51Yes.
30:52They have an accent?
30:53Yes.
30:53They don't have an accent.
30:55It's not an accent exactly, it's a melodic cadence.
30:58In the womb, the baby is hearing its mother tongue and the different languages have different stresses and cadences and,
31:05as it were, melodies.
31:06And you can actually do tests in which someone will say, that's a German baby, that's a French baby, just
31:11by its gurgle.
31:11In the womb, it's heard the language.
31:13And not only that, they actually like their mother tongue.
31:15You show them videos and there's someone speaking in a language that isn't the language their mother and father speak.
31:21And someone else speaking in their own mother tongue.
31:24And they will stare at the one that's in their mother tongue.
31:26Even, it's not their parents, it's someone else.
31:27They actually are drawn to it, so they pick up on the rhythms very early on.
31:33Glad to region, baby, so.
31:34Get me out of that bloody cage!
31:36That's right.
31:37But it is fascinating, that early on, just in the womb, they've picked up on the rise and fall, the
31:42melodic,
31:43cadences of their mother tongue.
31:44I think that's rather sweet.
31:46Yeah, beautiful.
31:46I think it's beautiful too.
31:47So they are, yes.
31:49How long do the best hugs last?
31:5220 seconds.
31:54That's a very long hug.
31:55I would start getting embarrassed and restless if someone hugged me for 20 seconds.
31:59Do you want me to test that?
32:00Yeah.
32:01Can we test that?
32:01No, please.
32:03Oh, hello.
32:04Here we go.
32:11That was lovely.
32:15I'm on the clock.
32:16I'm on the clock.
32:16I'm on the clock.
32:18That was, oh God, this is too long.
32:19It is really bad.
32:20It is really bad.
32:22It is too long.
32:22It is really bad.
32:23Oh, we're unembarrassed now.
32:23Dave, did you say I'm on the clock?
32:25On the clock.
32:27I'm lovely.
32:29That's got to be at least 20 seconds and that was embarrassing.
32:31That was very uncomfortable.
32:32Yeah.
32:33See if you can beat it.
32:34Oh, no!
32:38Oh, no!
32:40That's lovely lovely.
32:41That's nice, isn't it.
32:44oh, no, no, no, no!
32:50That was so fun.
32:53I've been waiting for you, Lula.
32:55Well, if you look all the way, I'm playing Silky Weeks and so I've got lucky.
32:59Right.
33:00I wasn't expecting that response, but it was charming. You're both wearing a very nice aftershave, by the way.
33:08Hang on, do you want your watch back?
33:11Did you like my aftershave?
33:13I certainly did.
33:13Gorgeous aftershave. Now, there have been tests. It seems weird.
33:19Four or five seconds.
33:20Well, three seems to be the answer.
33:22Three is the perfect time, you mean?
33:24It seems to be that there is a kind of in-built human moment, which is three seconds.
33:31If it's less than three seconds, it really is a bit kind of, I don't know.
33:34It wasn't really a proper hug.
33:36It was two, one, two, three, that's nice.
33:39It's just actually a rhythm that seems to be built in to the human race.
33:44This three-second period is known as a moment, and it happens in a lot of the things we do.
33:48Don't say it.
33:49I just can't wait for my great aunt to come round and give me a hug.
33:54It's all very nice, and then I'll go, it was four seconds, you bitch.
33:58Next time you'll keep it tight, or you don't come in.
34:01I think what spoils a hug is when the other person goes, and break.
34:05Yes.
34:08Well, have you heard of the five-second rule?
34:11Food.
34:11Yes, what is it?
34:12This is where if you drop food on the floor, it's okay to eat it if you pick it up
34:17within five seconds.
34:17Right.
34:18And do you believe that?
34:19No, it's nonsense, obviously.
34:20Yes, it is, of course, could be nonsense.
34:22It could be okay after five minutes.
34:24It just depends on whether the floor is contaminated.
34:27And of course, human beings tend to, if you drop chocolate or a biscuit, people will say,
34:31pick it up and eat it easily.
34:33But if it's broccoli or cabbage or something, look at all.
34:38That, with a big splat like that, though, you just think, no, I probably won't worry.
34:43But do you eat food off the floor, don't you?
34:45I mean, if you drop food...
34:46As a rule, I do.
34:46No, I do.
34:48Is this what you do at speed dating?
34:51Oh, yeah.
34:51You eat food off the floor.
34:53Move on.
34:54You eat food off the floor.
34:56Move on.
34:56You eat food off the floor.
34:56Move on.
34:57Ah, you've got a yellow hanky.
34:59Perfect.
35:00It was a presumption, it wasn't it?
35:03You eat food off the floor.
35:05So, I think not.
35:06You eat food off the floor.
35:11Once you've got a baby, food on the floor really is fair game.
35:16Well, exactly.
35:16If you didn't eat food off the floor, you're wasting about 90 quid a week.
35:19That's it.
35:21Now, Buzz, when you know, what's so damn interesting about this photograph?
35:28Yes.
35:29You said damn interesting.
35:31Oh.
35:31But what is it that's interesting?
35:33Yes, I've got it, yeah.
35:34It's a dam, yeah.
35:35It's got the goats walking across.
35:36There are goats walking across.
35:37There's a little one there.
35:38There.
35:38There.
35:39They scale.
35:41Oh, yes!
35:42Now, why would they do that?
35:43That is pretty impressive.
35:45That is pretty impressive.
35:45You've got one minute.
35:46Do you know what kind of goat that is?
35:48A dam.
35:48It's an ibex.
35:49It's an alpine ibex.
35:51Oh.
35:51An extraordinary thing.
35:52I mean, this is a south-facing dam in Italy.
35:55The Cingino Dam.
35:57And, to get a salt lick, they walk on what is an almost sheer rock surface.
36:03Isn't it amazing, though?
36:04Have their little, um, have their hoops sort of adapted?
36:08Well, you can see there's a better thing there.
36:10Yes, I mean, they are.
36:12Ibexes and, like, all goats are incredibly sure-footed.
36:15And they're alpine and they can scramble up rock faces and things like that.
36:18But it's astonishing.
36:20Do they fall off sometimes?
36:21I-I hope not.
36:22I doubt it.
36:23I mean...
36:24Wow!
36:28It's a kebab stein at the bottom.
36:34That's terrible and believable at the same time.
36:38Occasionally one does fall off.
36:42Do you know what the Pyrenean ibex-
36:44This is the alpine ibex.
36:46This is in northern Italy.
36:47But do you know what the Pyrenean ibex did in the noughties,
36:50in the decade between 2000 and 2010?
36:53There's a Pyrenean ibex.
36:54Well, no.
36:55It fell off something?
36:56Got up to the top?
36:57Something couldn't get down?
36:58Something fell on it.
36:59Or on her, in fact.
37:01There was a violent storm on January the 6th, 2000, in northern Spain.
37:05Celia.
37:06She was the last ever Pyrenean ibex.
37:09And the branch crushed her skull and she died.
37:13And the species was declared extinct.
37:15But in 2009, nine years later, she made a comeback.
37:20She became the first cloned animal that had been extinct from a piece of her skin.
37:25It was preserved in liquid nitrogen and a little kid was born but lasted only seven minutes and died.
37:32But it is the way forward with extinct species.
37:36There are a lot of kind of frozen arcs with highly endangered species whose DNA is being kept in the
37:42hope that they will be resurrected one day.
37:44And there is an example for seven minutes.
37:46Isn't that weird?
37:47And talking about things that only show up if you look at them very closely, it's time for general ignorance.
37:51So fingers on buzzers, please.
37:52Where was Louise Brown conceived?
37:57Yes.
37:58In a test tube.
38:01What?
38:02Why did it come out of my mouth like what you thought?
38:06Louise Brown was indeed the world's first in vitro fertilized baby.
38:11She wasn't conceived.
38:12But it wasn't a test tube.
38:14It was a petri dish.
38:15So she's a fraud.
38:16She's been telling everybody she's the first test tube baby.
38:19She never claimed to be the news.
38:19She's the first petri dish baby.
38:21The news claimed she was the first test tube baby.
38:23There's another Louise Brown who's 91 years old and lives in the stewardry of Dumfries and Galloway,
38:30who has a record, we think, in the United Kingdom, which is rather extraordinary.
38:34There's no way you could possibly guess it.
38:36It's going to be the oldest something either.
38:38Well, she...
38:39Oh, is it too late for this?
38:40No, we definitely know.
38:43We could ask her.
38:44We could ask her.
38:45She's still alive.
38:47What?
38:49We think she's the most prolific library book borrower in the country.
38:56She's read...
38:57That's too much of a leap from...
38:58Yeah, it is.
38:58They just haven't been the same name.
39:00She's read just under 25,000 books.
39:03Well, she says that.
39:04She's borrowed them.
39:05No, no, they're...
39:08Yeah.
39:0812 a week.
39:10Really?
39:1012 a week.
39:11And she's never once had a late fine.
39:13That probably proves that she doesn't read them, the very fact she gets them back on time.
39:17I think it's rather charming.
39:18They're mostly Mills and Boone romances, war stories and historical dramas.
39:22But that's it.
39:2312 books.
39:23I thought Barbara Cartland was writing that many.
39:25Yes, exactly.
39:26Just for this...
39:27Just for Louise to keep reading.
39:28Yeah.
39:29I was going to say if Louise is watching, when she isn't, she's reading a book.
39:31But if Louise is...
39:33We salute her in a world of dying libraries.
39:36Where did marsupials come from?
39:40Yes.
39:41Marsupia.
39:44It could easily have been the right answer.
39:47Well, they only live in Australia.
39:50That's not true.
39:52Did you do that?
39:53We'll let you off the...
39:54We'll let you off the...
39:55We'll let you off the...
39:56They don't only live in Australia.
39:57In fact, there are marsupials in the Americas.
39:59Are there?
40:00Yeah.
40:00What are they called?
40:02Oh, yeah.
40:02They're really cute.
40:03We'll show you a photograph and see if you know them.
40:04They're tiny.
40:05They're the mammals that give the...
40:06Have the tiniest babies.
40:08Are they the echidna?
40:08That's not the echidna, no.
40:09Oh, are they finger bobs?
40:13They look like the clangers.
40:15They really, really do look like finger bobs.
40:17They are opossums.
40:19I didn't know.
40:20I thought...
40:21I didn't realize this.
40:22I thought that they were born in the pouch.
40:23I didn't realize that they're born.
40:25And they have to crawl up and get in the pouch.
40:27And in the case of the opossum, you could get 20 baby opossums on a teaspoon.
40:32They are absolutely minuscule.
40:33And the mummy licks her fur to make a line from where they're born.
40:40And they crawl up into the pouch because the babies then develop further in the pouch.
40:45But they first began...
40:46Well, that's bizarre because I was under the impression, I'm wrong as ever, but I was under the impression that
40:51marsupials evolved separately on Australia because Australia was, like Madagascar, separate from...
40:56No, but like Madagascar and like New Zealand and many others, they all originally belonged to a supercontinent which was
41:02known as...
41:02Australasia?
41:03No.
41:04That's...
41:05It was known as...
41:05Essex.
41:06Someone in the audience will know.
41:09Gondwana Land.
41:10It's a supercontinent that broke off and is now South America, Africa and indeed Australasia.
41:14We're all part of the supercontinent.
41:15And so the scientists say.
41:17So they say.
41:18But in fact, the first marsupials came from the part that is now South America, in fact, that had been
41:23Gondwana Land.
41:24But they crossed through Antarctica while it was still one continent and into Australia.
41:29So there you are.
41:30That's your marsupials.
41:31Actually originated in an area which is now part of South America.
41:34Which brings me to the matter of the scores.
41:37And they make fascinating regions.
41:41In first place by quite a long way, with plus 10 points, it's Dave Gorman.
41:49I'm speaking almost now like a proud father.
41:53With a magnificent six points, in second place, Alan Davis.
42:02And only just behind with plus five, Lee Mack.
42:10But with a very creditable minus seven, Ronnie Ancona.
42:22So, all that's left is for me to thank Ronnie, Lee, Dave and of course Alan.
42:26And to leave you with this thought from Leo Burke.
42:28People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
42:32Good night.
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