- 3 minutes ago
1975 SITCOM "The Brandon family and The Three Great-Aunts From Glossop assemble for Auntie Edna's funeral; after 25 years of marriage, Annie wants Les to take her on a second honeymoon; Carter's girlfriend Pat decides it's time they got engaged." IMDB Starring Robin Bailey, Liz Smith, Ray Mort, Stephen Rea, Anita Carey
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00To be continued...
00:50I hope you don't mind me meeting you outside the billy door, Carter.
00:54No.
00:56Did you win?
00:57No.
00:58I'm sorry.
01:00So am I.
01:02Who are you playing?
01:03Linda Preston.
01:05Linda Preston?
01:07I see.
01:09Aye, well, you'd best be...
01:11Well, is Jenny good, Carter?
01:13I mean, does she hold the billiard cue proper?
01:15Oh, aye.
01:16And she's red hot on the cushions, too.
01:18I see.
01:21You've never asked me to be red hot on the cushions, Carter.
01:25No.
01:26And I never asked you to choke the end of me cue, neither.
01:30You never.
01:32What does your mother say about us breaking off the engagement?
01:35It's met her badly.
01:36She's gone to bed.
01:38So has my auntie Layla.
01:39I think she's come out in sympathy.
01:41Oh, but I could come round and help you out if you want, Carter.
01:44I can iron your string vests, and I could do all the cooking.
01:47Now, do you like real wine with egg and chips?
01:49No, we'll manage on our own, too, all the same.
01:51Well, you could come round to our house for your supper.
01:53We're having sheep's brains.
01:55No, I'm playing pitching putt tonight.
01:57With, um...
01:58Linda Preston, that's right.
01:59Well, then, you might as well know it.
02:02Know what?
02:03I'm sorry.
02:04What for?
02:05I'm sorry for being so hasty and breaking off the engagement.
02:09I just flew off the end.
02:10I didn't know what I was saying.
02:12What with all the worry of saving up and trying to get you interested in draft excluders and waste disposal
02:18units and...
02:30Is that all you've got to say?
02:33I've poured me heart out to you, I've humbled myself in front of you, and all you can say is,
02:38I will, hmm.
02:41I will, hmm.
02:44Oh, Carter.
02:47Carter.
03:00There's what happened to my barley water.
03:11There's...
03:12It's time for me to take me iron pills.
03:15It's time for Lilt to take a coddle of roils.
03:24Nerd!
03:26What are you doing down there?
03:30Nerd!
03:42Hold your hush, woman.
03:43We're busy.
03:44Don't be so impatient.
03:45Now, don't be so inconsiderate.
03:49Women.
03:50They've no idea how to behave when they're sick.
03:52Well, they don't get as much practice as what we do, Lilt.
03:57It's a well-known medital fact is that men are more prone to sickness than what women are.
04:04Except on bank holidays and works weeks, of course.
04:09It's the way nature made us.
04:11I mean, men are born to be martyrs.
04:12Women are born to be bombastic.
04:14That's why they never get sick.
04:16The germs are frightened to death of them.
04:19Liz, where's me calf's foot jelly?
04:22Where's Lilt's junket?
04:26Hey, can I smell someone burning?
04:29You've not dropped cinders on dog again, have you?
04:34I lost all enjoyment after being sick once my mother died.
04:39Why's that?
04:40Because she pampered me.
04:42She didn't bully me like what a wife does when you're poorly.
04:46She treated me more like a pet dog what's been run over by a trolley bus.
04:52That's efficacious, is that?
04:54Nothing with too much trouble for my mother when I were poorly.
04:57When I went down to bookies, she wouldn't let me lift a finger.
05:02She'd even licked indelible pencil for me before I wrote out my bed.
05:06What a wonderful woman.
05:07And when I took to my bed again after racing were over,
05:11she'd be dashing hither and thither.
05:13She'd be first in queue at jug and bottle.
05:16She'd run all the way back from chippies or cheese and onion pies with piping up.
05:21And I'd only had to stand on top of the stairs and bellow once
05:25and she'd be in that bedroom hurling coal on fire
05:29like Chief Stoker on Mauritania.
05:32I used to say to her, I'd say,
05:34Mother, you know, all this running around,
05:39it's enough to make me feel quite poorly.
05:44Women are all right when they're mothers.
05:46It's when they become wives and sweethearts,
05:48that's when they're upset, seem to be...
05:49True.
05:49When I was poorly, my mother used to cook for me
05:53as if I were agar-can.
05:56Brown bread and butter with crusts cut off,
06:00condensed milk sandwiches any time at day and night.
06:04And for tea, a cod steak,
06:08steamed milk between two enamel plates.
06:13Enamel plates.
06:15I reckon half the joy's gone out of living
06:17since the top used in enamel plates for cooking.
06:19Especially when they was chipped and rusty round edges.
06:24There were no greater pleasure in the world
06:25than slinking home late at night
06:27with a skin full of ale in fear and trepidation.
06:30Finding everyone asleep in bed
06:32and your dinner warming in the oven between two enamel plates.
06:36My God, aye.
06:37And after you'd burnt your thumbs,
06:39getting the top plate off,
06:41what a sight met your eyes.
06:44A thick tide mark,
06:46a rental, greasy grave.
06:51Like scum on a harbour wall.
06:55Sprouts as hard as your stepmother's fist.
06:57Roast beef.
06:59Texture of a mule saddle.
07:02A mashed spud you could go rock climbing on.
07:06It brings tears to your eyes just to think on it.
07:09Do you know what, Les?
07:12When I die,
07:13I wouldn't mind being buried between two enamel plates.
07:19Good idea.
07:20Provided you don't mind being overdone at the edges.
07:24Oh, this modern cooking's a load of rubbish.
07:28It's playing havoc with my health.
07:30You know what?
07:31You'd never believe this, Les.
07:32I've not felt poorly
07:34for a good six months at least.
07:37Good God.
07:38You want to see a doctor?
07:39That could be serious.
07:40Oh!
07:40I've had me share of serious symptoms,
07:44palpitations,
07:45throbbing in me arms,
07:47pains in me chest.
07:49Good God you don't go and see a doctor
07:51about serious symptoms.
07:53To the truth,
07:53he might tell you you've got a fatal illness.
07:55You'd drop down dead with terror.
07:57Les!
07:59Les!
07:59Les!
08:02Les!
08:04Les!
08:05Les!
08:06Les!
08:08Do you like women?
08:12Basically, Les.
08:14Basically?
08:15No.
08:16No.
08:16They're not bad superficially.
08:19I'll tell you one thing in a favour.
08:21What's that?
08:22They rarely have firm handshakes.
08:23True.
08:24Oh, that's very true.
08:26Oh, basically I like men.
08:28And what I like about them
08:29is at the very deepest core of their soul
08:31they've got this great,
08:32cold, brooding silence.
08:34Yeah, massive silence.
08:36Sullen,
08:37shifty-eyed,
08:38hangdog.
08:39Broken only by clicker dominoes
08:42and the hiss of strong ale
08:45squirting into ice-cold pine pots.
08:48Les, come on up.
08:51I feel cold.
08:54I'm feeling dizzy.
08:56I've got pains in me toes.
08:58I've got cramp in me ankles.
09:00Come on, Les.
09:01I've got earache.
09:04Max!
09:07See what I mean?
09:11Where have you been?
09:12With Pat.
09:13With Pat?
09:14Good God, lad.
09:15I thought you'd got more sense
09:16and parley with the enemy.
09:18Hmm.
09:18Keep away from her, lad.
09:20Now, don't think you've got her late
09:21because then you'll drop your guard
09:22and before you know where you are
09:23she'll work a crafty flanker
09:25and you'll be engaged again.
09:26She'll have you drinking bottle cider
09:27and smoking herbals you're out.
09:29You make it sound as if life
09:30was one long permanent battle
09:32between men and women.
09:33It is, and we're losing.
09:35It's a rout women are taking over.
09:38We've got women bus drivers,
09:40women jockeys,
09:41women judges,
09:42women doctors prodding you
09:43with cold bonny fingers.
09:45It's true these days
09:46even the Queen's a woman.
09:47Aye.
09:49Next thing we'll have
09:50a woman Prime Minister.
09:52Ah, well, they've been out new in that.
09:54Not all the Prime Ministers
09:55we've had since the war
09:55have been a load of old women.
09:59Well, I quite like women.
10:02In what way?
10:04I like the way they're put together.
10:07I like the way they always have
10:08clean teeth.
10:10I like the way they sigh
10:11when you blow in their ear.
10:13I like the way their hair's all silky
10:15and the way they grunt
10:16when you stroke it.
10:18It's true.
10:18If that's all you want,
10:19buy yourself a catty-covered market.
10:24It'll cost you a fortune
10:25at tin pilchards,
10:26but at least it'll...
10:27it'll not be frightened the mice.
10:30I think you're...
10:30being very unfair to women,
10:32I could think of worse things
10:34in the world
10:34than being married to a woman.
10:36Must be quite nice at times.
10:38What times?
10:40Well, what about
10:40the physical side of marriage?
10:42Bloody hard work.
10:44Pardon?
10:45Umping coal,
10:46papering ceilings,
10:47putting slates on the washout roof.
10:48It's bloody hard work.
10:49I'm not talking about that.
10:51I'm talking about...
10:53Well, I'm talking about
10:55what you do in bed
10:56on Saturday nights
10:57with your eyes closed.
10:59Overrated.
11:01If I had my way,
11:02there'd be a season for it
11:02like course fishing.
11:04Anyone doing it out of season,
11:06they'd be fine
11:06and have the tattle took off them.
11:09Right.
11:09How long would season last?
11:11Only a couple of weeks.
11:13I mean, you wouldn't want it
11:14to interfere with rugby league season,
11:15would you?
11:16Liz,
11:17I want a drink of water.
11:20I'm parched.
11:22Hey,
11:23me tongue's stuck
11:24to the roof of me mouth.
11:27Liz,
11:28I'm dying of hunger.
11:31Liz!
11:35Where are you going?
11:36To see if there's
11:37what they want.
11:38Good God,
11:38I took them a mug of tea
11:40only four hours ago.
11:41What mouth would they want?
11:43That's bloody heartless,
11:44that is.
11:45Heartless rubbish.
11:46Get off out, lad,
11:47and have a bit of a romp
11:48round with that there,
11:49Linda Preston.
11:50Hmm.
11:51She has everything
11:52what a bloke could desire
11:53in a woman.
11:54Bites the fingernails,
11:56knows how to subtract
11:57on the darts board
11:58and never calls
11:59round to your home.
12:00She'd give you
12:01a bloody good night
12:02on the tails, too.
12:03She'd show you
12:03all the ropes.
12:04Come on,
12:05and you'd have no trouble
12:05undoing the nuts.
12:06I thought you said
12:07you didn't reckon
12:08much to that.
12:09No, I didn't.
12:10The physical side
12:11of marriage
12:12can be faintly
12:12entertaining at times
12:13when it's performed
12:15out of wedlock.
12:16It's when it's in wedlock
12:17it gets so depressing.
12:19Liz,
12:20will you come on
12:21and say to us
12:23immediately, Liz?
12:27Hey!
12:29You're not mending
12:30your auto-cycling
12:31back parlour,
12:33are you?
12:33Hands to me!
12:35Hey, hands to me, Liz!
12:36It's no use.
12:38I can't leave them
12:38shouting like that.
12:39They'll bring all
12:39the plaster down
12:40off the ceiling.
12:43I reckon he's
12:44sitting in for summer.
12:46He is.
12:47Love.
12:47Oh, there's no chance,
12:49then.
12:49It's a fatal disease,
12:51his love.
12:51Cuts down strong
12:52men in the prime,
12:53makes them lose
12:54all their manly pride
12:55and their will for living.
12:57That's why you see
12:58so many scrums
12:59collapsing in
12:59their rugby league
13:00these days.
13:06Hello, Carter.
13:08We could be dying
13:10for all your father
13:11and your uncle care.
13:13Hmm.
13:13If I should die,
13:14Carter,
13:15would you do me
13:15a favour, love?
13:16Aye, of course I will.
13:18What is it?
13:18Well, will you make
13:19quite sure
13:20that I'm buried
13:21in the family vaults
13:22pointing towards Blackpool?
13:26I didn't know
13:27you had vaults
13:28in the family,
13:29Lil.
13:29Oh, my grandad
13:31won them in a raffle.
13:32A raffle?
13:33Hmm.
13:34From the bankrupt stock
13:36of a monumental mason.
13:38You see,
13:39this monumental mason
13:41run off
13:42with a lady yodeler
13:44from Glossom.
13:45Well, unfortunately,
13:47he forgot to take
13:48with him
13:49his stock
13:50of headstones
13:51and urns,
13:51so his wife
13:52had them left
13:53on her hands
13:54when she went
13:54to live tally
13:55with a wet battery man.
13:57That's when
13:58the neighbours
13:59come in,
14:00rallied round
14:00and organised
14:01this raffle.
14:03Oh, my grandfather,
14:05he won a family vault
14:07in weathered granite.
14:08And my uncle Reuben,
14:10he won a headstone
14:12inscribed,
14:14in fond memory
14:15of Lieutenant Colonel
14:16Creech Abbasage,
14:18MC,
14:19late commanding officer,
14:21Royal Burma
14:22Frontier Rifles.
14:23What did he do
14:24with it, Lil?
14:25He kept it
14:26in the front parlour
14:27propped against
14:28the organoleum.
14:30Coming very handy
14:31for striking matches on.
14:33And then when
14:34my aunt Emily died,
14:36he chiseled out
14:37the Colonel's name,
14:39you see,
14:39and put his wife's
14:40there instead.
14:41Oh, you can see it
14:43in the cemetery
14:43to this very day.
14:45In fond memory
14:46of Emily Phoebe
14:47Garside,
14:49late commanding officer,
14:51Royal Burma
14:52Frontier Rifles.
14:53Thank you, pardon?
14:55Oh, well,
14:56that was typical
14:57of me Uncle Reuben.
14:58You see,
14:59once he chiseled out
15:00the Colonel's name,
15:01he lost interest
15:02in the rest.
15:03He never could
15:03finish a job proper.
15:05Must run in the family.
15:07I've never known
15:08how Les finish
15:09a job proper.
15:10When we got married,
15:11we set out
15:12to have three children.
15:14But when Carter
15:15were born,
15:15Les took one look
15:16at him,
15:17and it would
15:17down tools
15:18and start an allotment.
15:21Well,
15:22is that what you want?
15:23Yes.
15:24Make it up with Pat.
15:26Pardon?
15:26That's the one thing
15:28that would restore us
15:29to health and happiness,
15:31you getting engaged
15:33to Pat again.
15:34What do you say,
15:36Carter?
15:37Aye,
15:38well,
15:39mmm.
15:41Aye,
15:42well,
15:43is that all you can say?
15:45I never think
15:46you'd been to
15:46grammar school
15:47and won prizes
15:48for woodwork.
15:49Now,
15:50I think you've been
15:51talking difficult sums
15:52three years running.
15:55When you're standing
15:56at the altar
15:56and the vicar
15:57asks you
15:58if you want
15:58to marry Pat,
15:59you'll shuffle your feet,
16:01you'll scratch
16:01under your armpits
16:02and you'll say,
16:03hey,
16:04well,
16:06hmm.
16:06I've told you,
16:08I'm not marrying Pat.
16:10Oh,
16:10yes,
16:10you are.
16:11It's high time
16:12you settled down
16:12and got married
16:13with a decent mortgage
16:14and a white estate car.
16:16There's hundreds
16:17of fellas
16:18much younger than you
16:19married with a wife
16:20and family been out.
16:22Mrs.
16:22Satcheson,
16:23a clock repair shop.
16:24She's a grandmother
16:25three times over
16:26and her Wally only
16:28had his 18th birthday
16:29last week.
16:30Aye,
16:31and look at the state of him.
16:33He fell off his motorbike
16:34three times last week.
16:35He hasn't got the strength
16:36to grip it proper
16:37with his knees.
16:40Excuses,
16:40excuses.
16:43You've got a girl there
16:45who thinks the world of you.
16:48She'd make a wonderful home
16:50for you.
16:51She's got smashing taste
16:53in light fittings
16:54and soft furnishings.
16:56You're the same
16:57with Pat as you were
16:57with that electric train set
16:59we bought you.
17:00Brand new it was
17:01and you only played
17:02with it twice.
17:03Oh,
17:04oh,
17:04Annie,
17:05Annie,
17:06calm down,
17:07will you,
17:08love?
17:08Oh,
17:09you're bringing the mattress
17:10out in a sweat.
17:11Carrion.
17:14Anyone at home?
17:16About time
17:16to come to see
17:17how we're going on.
17:19Oh,
17:19I've not come to see
17:20about that.
17:20Pardon?
17:21I've come to see
17:22about this second honeymoon.
17:24Oh,
17:24what about it?
17:26Well,
17:28all this running about
17:29looking after you
17:29it's fair to tighten me out.
17:31I don't think I'd be up
17:32to a second honeymoon now.
17:33Why don't you go on your own?
17:35I don't mind stopping at home.
17:36I won't be lonely.
17:37There's bound to be
17:38a darts match on
17:38at the British Legion.
17:40Oh,
17:41how good you!
17:43Oh,
17:43how good you!
17:46Now,
17:47what have I done?
17:49Search me.
17:50She's not allergic
17:51to darts,
17:52is she?
17:57They're sleeping now.
18:00Snoring their heads off.
18:03Sparko.
18:03Oh, I'll put a treble dorsal rum in the barley water.
18:10Champion. All quiet on the western front, eh?
18:12Aye. Shall we nip out for a pint, then?
18:15No, let's stop at home.
18:16Stop at home? You're not feeling badly, are you?
18:20No, I want to make the most of all this peace and quiet.
18:23No women yakking.
18:24No heavy breathing when you shake your pipe out on carpet.
18:28Aye, gum, I wish it were midwinter.
18:30Why?
18:31I'd let the fire go out just to spite him.
18:34To hear you two talk, you'd think life was one long, unrelieved misery.
18:39It is. That's what gives it its piquancy.
18:41Make the most of your misery, Carter.
18:44It's a secret to true happiness, is that?
18:47Well, surely you must have had some happy moments in your lives.
18:51What about when we were first married? Weren't you happy then?
18:55What about the happiness the children brought you?
18:58We never had no children, Carter. Your auntie Edna didn't believe in them.
19:01She said they'd play havoc with the fitted carpets.
19:05You should have had lino.
19:06That's what I told her.
19:08I says to her, I says, lay your lino in March, I says.
19:12Give it summer to settle, I says.
19:15Come September, I says, we could be thinking in terms of having a baby.
19:20She wouldn't play ball.
19:20No, she said lino were too cold.
19:23We're a cold woman herself, was you, Edna.
19:25Whenever she was around, it always seemed like the second week in January.
19:28Oh, that's why I never had much success with me indoor tomatoes.
19:32What about me?
19:34Didn't I bring you no happiness?
19:35You?
19:36All you did was howl.
19:38Two solid years of it, night after night after night.
19:41It was worse than the blitz.
19:43Towards the end, I was reduced to sleeping in the air raid shelter at the bottom of the garden.
19:47There's not it world worse than a nip of what owls all night.
19:51There's only one good thing about it.
19:53What's that?
19:53You never get trouble with burglars.
19:55Oh.
19:58I'll never forget the first time we went to see Carter in maternity hospital.
20:04I looked at Carter, I said, and I can see rubber hot water bottle, I says, but where's baby?
20:12Annie looked at me, and she says, with ace, she says, that is the baby.
20:21I told her to send it back and say she wasn't satisfied.
20:26I was only trying to be helpful.
20:29No chance.
20:30Times like that, a man's utterly helpless.
20:32You try and show a little interest in the baby by remarking how ugly it is,
20:36and the women come down on you like a ton of bricks.
20:38I think you're being very hard.
20:40Hard?
20:41Listen to me, lad.
20:42What's the first thing a woman does to a bloke baby after it's been born?
20:45Don't know.
20:46Get it circumcised.
20:48And do you know why?
20:49No.
20:49To get their own back on the father.
20:53I still think you're being very hard on women.
20:56I quite like them at times.
20:58I like them in winter when they're all muffled up and they smell of rain.
21:02I like them in summer when they put varnish on their toenails and you can look down the front of
21:06their frocks.
21:07I see.
21:08And does that mean you're going to surrender?
21:10Does that mean you're going to get engaged to Pat again?
21:12Aye.
21:13Well.
21:14Hmm.
21:15Aye, well, um.
21:16What's that for an answer?
21:17He are proposing mass desertion to the enemy and all he can say is, aye, well, um.
21:21Is that all you've got to say?
21:22Now, you listen to me.
21:24I don't say much for meself, I know, but right now I've just about had a belly full.
21:30Go on.
21:31Go on, Carter.
21:32Answer it, lad.
21:36There we go, then.
21:39I thought all this peace and quiet were too good to last.
21:44Untrammeled.
21:45True.
21:46I'll tell you what, Ma.
21:48If an Englishman's home was his castle, for the past 25 years I've been living in the bloody dungeons.
21:56What are you doing here?
21:57We've come to rally around the flag, haven't we, Pat?
21:59Yes, Mother.
22:00We've come to look after the invalids and we're not leaving until they're better.
22:04Now, then, where are we going to sleep?
22:06I know.
22:07Your father and your Uncle Mort can sleep on the sofas downstairs and me and Pat will take over the
22:12back bedroom.
22:13Now, then, have you been fumigated?
22:14Fumigated?
22:15Honestly, men, you've no idea, have you?
22:19I say, you men, you haven't got a clue, have you?
22:22Why didn't you call me once you was incommoded?
22:25Are you getting on with the doctor?
22:27You're not letting him bully you, are you?
22:29He's not coloured, is he?
22:30Oh, I know these coloured doctors.
22:32They've got lovely white teeth.
22:34Hey, Mrs, hey, we don't allow no racial prejudice in this house.
22:37The only prejudice allowed here is sexual prejudice.
22:39Rampant, vibrant and totally healthy for body and soul.
22:42Well, if you want to be rampant, vibrant and totally healthy in body and soul, you can put that pipe
22:47out for a kick-off.
22:48I'll have no tobacco smoke when there's sickness in the house.
22:52And there's to be no more fish and chips, neither.
22:55I'll bet that's all you've lived on since your women was took badly.
22:58No wonder you've got bloodshot eyes.
23:01No wonder you've got a shaving rash.
23:04And another thing.
23:05I don't intend to spend my time washing out dirty underpants, so you'd better...
23:09Now, there's no need to look like that.
23:12I'm very accustomed to dealing with sickness and death, you know.
23:15It's quite a hobby of mine.
23:17If there's any laying out to be done, just leave it to me and I'll guarantee total satisfaction.
23:23I hope you've got sheets ready for the shrouds, and I hope they're properly aired.
23:27We don't want the corpse catching its death of gold, do we?
23:32Now, then, I can't stand here gossiping.
23:33There's work to be done.
23:35You men can go and open all the windows and get rid of the smell of dirty socks,
23:38and, Pat, you can take Carter into the front parlour and do your stuff.
23:44Pardon?
23:45Oh, come on, come on.
23:46I can't stand men that get under my feet.
23:48Go on in.
23:49And don't come out till you've reached a unanimous verdict.
23:57Aye.
23:58Well.
24:00Mmm.
24:05It's very clean.
24:08Who did all the dust in?
24:09I did.
24:12Did you wash the pelmets, too?
24:13Yes.
24:16Did you remember to put detergent down the toilet?
24:18Yes.
24:20Oh, you're very house-proud, aren't you, Carter?
24:23Mmm.
24:24You know, when we get married, you can do all the dust in, if you like.
24:27You can do the cooking, too.
24:30Any good at puff pastry?
24:31No.
24:32Neither am I.
24:34I always knew we'd got a lot in common.
24:37Mmm.
24:44There's something you should know, Carter.
24:46Oh, aye.
24:47Are you ready for a shock?
24:48Yes.
24:50My mother says she's not leaving this house till you and me get engaged again.
24:53Oh, well.
24:54And there's another thing, Carter.
24:57Carry on.
24:58I've been to see Linda Preston.
25:00You've what?
25:00I've told her you couldn't meet her to play pitch-and-puff tonight.
25:03I told her your arm was too tired from chalking the end of your queue.
25:08I told her, er...
25:11I told her you wasn't ever going to see her again.
25:14I told her you was through with her because of the way you treated me,
25:17and that in your heart it was me you really loved,
25:20even though you didn't know your own mind.
25:23Oh, Carter.
25:24I did write, didn't I?
25:26Tell me I did write.
25:28And what did Linda Preston say when you told her all this?
25:31She said there's plenty more fish in the sea.
25:34She said she caught bigger ones than you in her time.
25:36She said...
25:38Hang on a minute.
25:40Did you think when we got engaged I'd just jump into bed with you regardless,
25:44like Linda Preston?
25:46I had me hopes.
25:48Oh, Carter.
25:50Carter.
25:51Aye.
25:52Well...
25:54Mmm...
25:56I've got passions too, you know.
25:58I've got red blood pounding through my veins.
26:02I go all weak at the knees and come out in hot flushes when I think about it.
26:07I want to get it over and done with just as much as you do, love.
26:11Only I want us to be married when we do.
26:15I want it to be on the first night of our honeymoon in Mallorca with free table wine.
26:21I want it to be a real, genuine thing, like it is in all those old pictures with Michael Wilding
26:27and Anna Neagle.
26:28Except it had been Technicolor.
26:30I want it to be...
26:36Carter, do you remember when we used to sit on this sofa in the days of our courting?
26:41Aye, it was always covered in dog hairs.
26:45No.
26:47You almost proposed to me 16 times on this sofa.
26:53I'll never forget the last time you almost proposed.
26:56It was so romantic.
26:59Your neck was all covered in boil plasters.
27:03And there was racing on the telly from Adop Park.
27:07You'd just finished your smoky bacon crisps.
27:10And very slowly you began to inch along the sofa towards me.
27:16All the crumbs began to vibrate on your cardigan.
27:20And it was just about to take me in your arms.
27:24When all of a sudden the door burst open, your father came in and said...
27:27Quick, come quickly, it's been an emergency.
27:33Hello, Carter.
27:35We're feeling very much better now.
27:37Oh, noodles and noodles better.
27:41Really fit.
27:42Oh, it's an absolute miracle.
27:45Do you know, Carter, I'd only been in the room two minutes,
27:47punching their pillows, opening the windows,
27:50tasting their medicine,
27:51and talking about how me Uncle Vincent dropped dead with sunstroke.
27:56And suddenly your mother and your auntie Leal
27:58rose from their bed as one
28:00and said they felt completely cured.
28:02I've not seen a recovery like it
28:04since the parrot caught pleurisy
28:06and we had to give it half a bottle of liquid paraffin.
28:09Ah, well, nice to see you on your feet again.
28:12All's well that ends well, eh?
28:14No, it isn't.
28:15That's only half of the bargain, young man.
28:18I've done my half.
28:19Now it's up to you to do the other half.
28:21What's that?
28:22You know, love.
28:23You know the engagement.
28:25Oh, that.
28:27I see.
28:29That's what it is, is it?
28:31Oh, go on then, Carter.
28:34Put us out of his misery.
28:36Are you engaged again or aren't you?
28:40I, well, hmm.
28:43Oh, Carter, Carter.
28:46Wait a minute, wait a minute.
28:49Ah, well, hmm.
28:50What's that supposed to signify?
28:52Oh, Mother, if you knew Carter like what I do,
28:55you'd know there's a wealth of meaning in I, well, hmm.
28:59That's all.
29:00October 17th,
29:00Okay.
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