- 4 minutes ago
1975 SITCOM "The Brandon family and The Three Great-Aunts From Glossop assemble for Auntie Edna's funeral; after 25 years of marriage, Annie wants Les to take her on a second honeymoon; Carter's girlfriend Pat decides it's time they got engaged." IMDB Starring Robin Bailey, Liz Smith, Ray Mort, Stephen Rea, Anita Carey
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TVTranscript
00:29I'll see you next time.
00:44What are you thinking about, love?
00:46This and that.
00:48I know what you're thinking about.
00:50I bet you're thinking about walking with me down the aisle in your best arch supports
00:54with Connie Watkinson looking livid cos I've beaten her to it.
00:58No, I'm thinking what a smashing day it is for some good healthy exercise.
01:02We should be tramping the moors a day like this.
01:06Sun shining, cloudless skies, soft breezes, couple of pigeons billing and cooing.
01:12You never bill and coo with me, Carter.
01:15Why can't we be like them pigeons?
01:17We can if you don't mind climbing to the top of Mr Warrander's wash house roof.
01:21Honestly, Carter, there's not a scrap of romance in you.
01:25Me? I'm just bursting at the seams with it.
01:28You know what I'm thinking about now?
01:30No, what?
01:31Unsworth's pork pies.
01:33What?
01:34I've entered the Sweethearts and Springtime competition, sponsored by Unsworth's pork pies.
01:40You've got to pick out the five most desirable qualities in the typical family butcher.
01:45You know what I've chosen as top?
01:47No.
01:48A highly infectious laugh.
01:50Well, that's not the only highly infectious thing about Unsworth's pork pies, is it?
01:54It's a marvellous first prize, Carter.
01:57Much better than the one for Chatterton's current loaf.
02:00It's a weekend for two in Cleethorpes, with candlelight provided.
02:04Plus, as many Unsworth's pork pies as you can eat in the next annual year.
02:10If that isn't romantic, I don't know what is.
02:13Neither do I.
02:15Tell me something, Carter.
02:18Which do you think's most romantic, candles or nightlights?
02:22Don't stand there shrugging your shoulders, looking like some other cat dragged in.
02:26What's the matter with you?
02:28I'm just wondering what the first prize is for Chatterton's current loaf.
02:32Good.
02:33I'm glad to see you're taking an interest.
02:35You can help me think up a winning slogan.
02:37Do you want to know the one I made up this morning while I was cleaning the bath?
02:41I had this sudden flash of inspiration just as I got to the cold tap.
02:44I usually do.
02:46Go on, tell us your slogan.
02:48Large or small, big or tall, with Unsworth's pork pies, you'll have a ball.
02:55How's that for poetry, Carter?
02:58Perfection.
02:59It's got real rhymes in it, too.
03:02It's nearly as good as them that cheerful Charlie Chester reads on the radio in the morning
03:06when the oeuvre's on and you can't hear the words proper.
03:08Aye.
03:09It's much better than the one I've just thought up.
03:11Oh, what's that, love?
03:12Large or small, big or tall.
03:16Unsworth's pork pies will make your shoulders droop.
03:19There you are.
03:20Not a scrap of romance, in you.
03:22Me?
03:23Oh, I get all romantic just thinking about your mum and dad,
03:26making all them arrangements for the second honeymoon.
03:29When we've been married 25 years, will you want to go on a second honeymoon with me?
03:34It depends on what the first one was like.
03:37Do you sometimes think we're a couple of funniosities, Carter?
03:40How do you mean?
03:41Well, going to our nuptial bed without having first, um...
03:46Well, you know.
03:48I mean, you didn't buy your car without having a trial run first, did you?
03:52No.
03:54Well, I'm like your car in that respect.
03:56I hope not.
03:57When I had me trial run, we'd only be going off a minute when the two front headlights fell off.
04:02LAUGHTER
04:06Do you ever, er...
04:07Do you ever wonder what it'll be like on the first night of our honeymoon?
04:11I do.
04:12I've got it all planned out.
04:14There'll be mandolins playing in the soft Spanish moonlight.
04:18And we won't have eaten no garlic,
04:20because we'll choose a no-tell that does real food with chips and a choice of veg.
04:24Now, do you want a choice of veg, Carter, or do you prefer a tossed green salad?
04:29I'd prefer the garlic.
04:30It'll take away the taste of all that lousy ale I've been sopping.
04:33You'll not be drinking beer, Carter.
04:36You'll be sitting on the balcony of our bedroom,
04:39drinking champagne with real, genuine bubbles.
04:43And then...
04:44And then, when we've, er...
04:47Drunk our Orlicks and taken our iron tablets...
04:50LAUGHTER
04:50You can go into the bathroom and clean your teeth
04:53while I slip into my wet-look negligee.
04:58And then, when I've got it on,
05:00you can come out of the bathroom
05:02and I'll watch you change into your midnight blue pyjamas
05:05if you promise to turn your back on me at the crucial moment.
05:10Oh, aye.
05:11I'll bring some of my mates with me
05:12and they can stand round me like they do in the rugby league.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:15There's no need to be sarky.
05:19Oh, Carter.
05:21I can hardly wait till we get married.
05:23I just can't sleep thinking about it.
05:26Hour after hour after hour,
05:28I'm tossing and turning and...
05:30Oh, I hope it doesn't last.
05:32Why?
05:33Well, I don't want to spend all my honeymoon
05:36suffering from night starvation, do I?
05:41Oh, kissing.
05:43You know you can catch germs kissing at this time of the year.
05:46Come to that, you're at grave risk most times of the year.
05:49By rights, you should wear a smog mask...
05:51What do you want?
05:52You two, in the front parlour, now.
05:54They're just in the process of arriving.
05:56Who?
05:56The three great ants from Glossop.
05:58And God have mercy on our souls.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:05They're just turning into Toppet Street.
06:08You can feel the change in the atmosphere already, can't you?
06:12The three great ants from Glossop.
06:15Oh, come on, them words is almost biblically the horror.
06:19I'd sooner have one at Plagues of Egypt any day at week.
06:23Mona, Mona and Mary.
06:25They sound like a trio of tugboats on Manchester Ship Canal.
06:28They bloody look like a trio of tugboats on Manchester Ship Canal.
06:32Lesser that talk.
06:34Why can't you be more generous to them in their old age?
06:36It's not their fault they're right, cantankerous.
06:39It's not their fault they're cold-hearted and completely humourless.
06:43So would you be if you were as ugly as they was.
07:13Why the hell do they always have to travel in separate taxis?
07:16For the same reason that royal family always travel in separate aircraft.
07:20And if there's a fatal accident, there'll always be somebody left to carry on the dynasty.
07:25LAUGHTER
07:26Well, they're flogging a dead horse there, aren't they?
07:29There are hardly dynasty stakes at their age.
07:33Three virgins all over 70.
07:36I know they've got some revolutionary stuff for putting on your roses these days.
07:41I wish you wouldn't use the word virgin in front of Carter.
07:45You know how he comes out and eat lumps when he gets excited.
07:48It's a perfectly legitimate word.
07:51Some at most aristocratic and respectable ladies in land have been virgins in the time.
07:58Not many, I'll grant you.
08:01Oh, I could know that sound anyway.
08:04Nobody knocks on a door quite like great-auntie Mona.
08:07When she goes up to heaven, she'll have pearly gates off the ringers in no time.
08:11You can tell a person's character, by the way, they knock on the front door.
08:14Can you?
08:16How do you knock on the front door?
08:18I lean against it, grunt softly and hope no-one lands it.
08:23You know, Les, I think she must have gone to night school to learn how to knock us out as
08:27that.
08:28Oh, for God's sake, answer it, Annie.
08:33If she keeps on going like that, she'll have hot putty out of the windows.
08:36Last time she was here, she bloody near cracked the chimney breast.
08:40Three great-aunts from Glossom.
08:44My mother used to dread them coming round to our house.
08:47Did she?
08:48Oh, aye.
08:49She said it were more like a visitation than a visit.
08:53Strange things used to happen, you see.
08:56Water would curdle at goldfish bowl.
09:02Bantams would stop laying.
09:05Pigeons would stop homing.
09:08So would me father.
09:11That were our only consolation.
09:21Manners, if you please.
09:23Sure.
09:25Manners.
09:26Oh.
09:29I should think so, too.
09:31This way.
09:37Sit.
09:39Sit.
09:43I should think so, too.
09:46Oh, you're Carter's fiancé, aren't you?
09:48That's right.
09:50Pleased to meet you.
09:52Isn't the price of sprouts outrageous?
09:56Where are you going for your honeymoon?
09:59Spain.
10:00Spain?
10:01Much too hot, is Spain.
10:02I endorse that.
10:03So do I.
10:04Heat inflames the passions, arouses the desires.
10:08You want to go somewhere cold?
10:10Cousin Mabel went to Scarborough in mid-December for her honeymoon.
10:14She didn't take her mittens off until the last night.
10:18What happened then?
10:19She had to mend a puncture in her husband's sidecar.
10:22Oh.
10:23I thought she went pillion.
10:25Now then, Auntie Mona, come on, take your coat off.
10:27Make yourself at home.
10:28We never take our coats off in strange houses.
10:31In strange houses, it's always bitterly cold.
10:34No, not irritant.
10:35The cooking smells keep it warm.
10:37Besides, it's mid-summer, Auntie Mona.
10:39No, to us it isn't.
10:41To us it's been mid-winter for the past 47 years.
10:44I endorse that.
10:45So do I.
10:46Well, it's nice to know you've been having bad weather in unison, isn't it?
10:50Now then, Auntie Mona, is this a social visit or shall you be stopping for a long time?
10:57We've come about your silver wedding.
11:00We've come to talk about this service of rededication and the second honeymoon.
11:06Oh, everything's well in hand there, Auntie Mona.
11:08We booked the upstairs room with the axe and cleaver for the reception.
11:11I've ordered two dozen individual fruit trifles in floated cups.
11:16I've ordered boiled ham, tongue and brawn, plus three dozen Unsworth's pork pies and 14 dozen bridge rolls.
11:24What are you doing, stocking up for a famine?
11:2614 dozen bridge rolls?
11:28The world's facing my starvation.
11:30Here you ask, one and its precious resources on 14 dozen bloody bridge rolls.
11:34I wish you wouldn't talk like that, Les.
11:37It's not my fault the rice crop failed in China.
11:40I'll tell you what.
11:42We'll keep the bridge rolls and we'll forego the Unsworth's pork pies.
11:46You can send them to the starving millions in Asia.
11:49It's truth, you can't do that, woman.
11:51They've got enough natural catastrophe there as it is without inflicting Unsworth's pork pies on them.
11:54What an attitude.
11:56All you do is grumble and grouse while I work my fingers to the bone trying to make an Indian
12:02summer of love and affection for you.
12:05You know what you get in an Indian summer?
12:06What?
12:07Drought.
12:08You're protecting an interest in nothing I've done.
12:11During the war, I was three years as an air raid warden before you noticed I was wearing a white
12:15tin helmet going to bed.
12:17I didn't notice.
12:19You used to clank every time you cut your toenails.
12:22Your old trouble is lack of ambition.
12:24You've never even been ambitious to have any ambition.
12:26Oh, give all the...
12:27If you'd have been more ambitious when we first got married, we'd be celebrating our silver wedding now in style
12:32and comfort.
12:33You won't be celebrating nothing, Annie.
12:37Pardon, Auntie Mourner?
12:38The service of rededication and the second honeymoon will not take place.
12:44Why, Auntie Mourner? Why?
12:45Because I don't approve of the match.
12:48I endorse that.
12:49So do I.
12:50What match are you talking about?
12:51The match between you and Annie.
12:53We never approved of it in the first place.
12:56We always said the marriage would never work out.
12:58Well, it has worked out.
13:00Look at them.
13:01They're both aged beyond the years.
13:03They're both look as miserable as sin.
13:05They both loathe going out with each other and drinking in the same pub.
13:09If that's not proof of perfect marriage, I don't know what is.
13:13Well, Leslie wasn't cut out for perfect marriage.
13:16Pardon?
13:17He was cut out for perfect bachelorhood.
13:20He wasn't cut out to be cheerful and sanguine like he is now.
13:24He was cut out to be surly, silent, sour and celibate.
13:28Just like Carter is now.
13:30I beg your pardon?
13:32That's not my Carter at all.
13:34He might be silent, surly and sour, but he'll not be celibate for long once I get my hands on
13:40him.
13:40Hold your tongue and put that bosom away when you talk to me, young lady.
13:45There's nothing further to be said.
13:47I've made my decision.
13:48The service of rededication will not take place.
13:51I endorse that.
13:53So do I.
13:53I see.
13:54I see.
13:56And how are you going to stop it, Auntie Mona?
13:58Simple.
13:59By going to the church and causing the biggest disturbance you've ever seen in your life.
14:03We're very good at causing disturbances, you know.
14:06I endorse that.
14:08So do I.
14:09I see.
14:17I see.
14:18And how, Auntie Mona, how do you expect less to manage for the next 25 years as there's no one
14:24to bully and badger him
14:25and make sure he leaves the bath as others would wish to find it?
14:29Simple.
14:30He'll come and live with us.
14:31What?
14:32They live in our house and sing hymns, take cold baths and think pure thoughts
14:37and prepare himself to meet his maker, sound in wind and limb, set for death.
14:43Oh, no, he won't.
14:45Oh, no, he won't if anyone's got the right to make him miserable and glum for the next 25 years.
14:50It's me.
14:50I've worked hard at it.
14:51I'm not giving up now.
14:53He's stuck in here.
14:54Oh, yes, he is.
14:55He's stuck in here, won't he?
14:56Hold on.
14:57Hold on.
14:58Hold on.
14:59Right.
15:01Now, tell me something.
15:02Do I read the situation right?
15:04Are you about to have a bloody good row?
15:06Yes, we are.
15:07Right, then.
15:07Well, family rows and wrangle to women's work.
15:09You don't want those men under your feet.
15:11I mean, every man to his trade.
15:12So before you get started in earnest,
15:14how about Carter, Mort and me leaving the scene to you and going out and having a...
15:18Get out!
15:18Oh, clear off!
15:19I endorse that.
15:20So do I.
15:42Do you think we'll be safe here?
15:44Of course we will.
15:46Impregnable.
15:46You don't think we should post pickets and outriders?
15:49No, they'll still be at it when the pub's open.
15:52Then we can beat a tactical retreat to the axe and cleaver.
16:03The three great ants from Glossop.
16:06The older they grow, the worse they get.
16:09You see, Carter, basically, and at heart, they're not more than a trio of man-eaters.
16:17And the whole trouble is they've had to live on short commons all their lives.
16:20And that can be very dangerous to a man.
16:23Look what Lyon did to young Albert at Blackpool Zoo.
16:28Right, then.
16:30Who's for tea?
16:31That's the best idea yet.
16:33How do you like it, Carter?
16:35Hot out of a tin mug, else cold out of a china cup.
16:38Hot out of a tin mug?
16:40And what do you want in it?
16:41Condensed milk or some of that bloody awful stuff that comes out of a bottle?
16:45Condensed milk, of course.
16:47Good lad.
16:48You're one of us.
16:52You know, I've just been thinking.
16:54Oh, Struth, don't you start acting peculiar.
16:57I've been thinking, I said.
16:59Well?
17:00Was it right what they said about you not being cut out for marriage?
17:03You tell me, the man that is.
17:05I mean, marriage is a right unnatural institution.
17:09You're signing your whole life away there.
17:13I mean, look at it this way.
17:15Hey, when a man signs on to play rugby league for Rochdale Hornets,
17:18he doesn't promise to stay with them for the rest of his life.
17:21In sickness and in health, in promotion and relegation, does he?
17:25No, you're right there.
17:27Well, marriage is just the same as rugby league.
17:29You get the same knocks and bruises on the shins.
17:32You get that same feeling of being all clapped out after five years of it.
17:36I mean, in marriage, well,
17:38you don't get the big bath to splash around in, I'll grant you.
17:41Well, Katie's not bad at times.
17:44And you never get anywhere in poking his nose in, do you?
17:46No.
17:47No?
17:48Well, with all these similarities,
17:51why don't you sign on for marriage the same way as you sign on for rugby league?
17:55Exactly.
17:56And come to end that first year,
17:58you hope like hell you're placed on the not-retained list.
18:01I never had no such luck.
18:03And I certainly didn't have the initiative to do a bunk.
18:10I nearly did a bunk.
18:13About eight years after I married Edna.
18:16Who with?
18:18I don't quite recall her name.
18:21I know she had big feet and a rather...
18:24rather bulbous nose.
18:29Olive Furnival?
18:30Olive Furnival, that's her.
18:33You're the ugliest woman in the cul-de-sac.
18:36She had a face like the front of a siege gun.
18:38I know, I know.
18:40I used to say to her,
18:42after we'd had relations,
18:44I used to say to her,
18:46ah, go on, Olive,
18:48they ought to make you take out a license
18:51to keep a face like that.
18:54You had relations with Olive Furnival?
18:57Why?
18:59To see what it were like
19:00with a very ugly woman.
19:04And how was it?
19:06Same as with a very pretty woman.
19:11Slightly better than Whippet Racing.
19:16Not as good as balls.
19:20Hey, I don't know.
19:21Life's not worth living, is it?
19:23No.
19:24I wish there was someone else who could do it.
19:27You know, Carter,
19:28you want to do a bunk now
19:29while you've got the chance.
19:30Ah, make your escape now, lad,
19:32while iron's still up to your soul.
19:34Don't be like me
19:35and wait till it's turned into clinkers.
19:38I'll come with you.
19:39Hey, that's it.
19:40I'll come with you.
19:41We'll be off on the way tonight.
19:43Being me, father and son,
19:44couple of mates.
19:45We'll show them
19:45who's master of their destinies.
19:47We'll show them...
19:47I don't want to do a bunk.
19:48What?
19:49I want to stay here.
19:50Stay here?
19:51Why?
19:52I want things to be simple
19:53and uncomplicated
19:55like they was when I was a nipper.
19:57There was no decisions then.
19:58It was grey flannel shorts
20:00with braces all winter
20:01and khaki shorts
20:03with your underpants showing all summer.
20:05If you didn't wash your feet
20:06in the slipper baths,
20:07you got chinky rot.
20:08If you spent too long in the bogs
20:10with health inefficiency,
20:11you got bloodshot eyes
20:12and hairs on the palms of your hands.
20:15It were all so simple
20:17and uncomplicated.
20:19That's what I want now,
20:20a simple, uncomplicated life.
20:23I see.
20:25Well, if you want something simple
20:26and uncomplicated,
20:27here you are.
20:28I'll do a bunk on me own.
20:30You?
20:31That's right, me.
20:32I'll go up to the house
20:33this very minute.
20:34I'll tell Annie
20:34I'm working out on her
20:35for good and all.
20:36And would she please be sure
20:37to pack my new bristled toothbrush?
20:39You realise, Les,
20:41you've just committed
20:42one of the most cardinal sins
20:44what a man can make in marriage.
20:46What's that?
20:47Making a decision
20:48and taking positive actions
20:50action on it.
20:53Well, I'm on
20:54Mrs. Brandon's side.
20:55I'm for her and her men.
20:58Pray tell me,
20:59young lady,
21:00with your tart little lips
21:01and your fidgety chin,
21:02what do you know
21:03about men?
21:05I like them.
21:07Pardon?
21:08I like them.
21:09I like the way they're made.
21:10What a disgrace.
21:12Look, listen,
21:13how disgusting.
21:14I endorse that.
21:17So do I.
21:19I like the way they behave.
21:21I like the way they smile
21:23without showing the teeth.
21:24I like the way they cough
21:26and shuffle the feet
21:27when you tell them
21:28you love them.
21:28You love them?
21:29How disgraceful.
21:31How disgusting.
21:32I endorse that.
21:36Mary?
21:37Oh, so do I.
21:39So do I.
21:40Right then, Annie,
21:41we've made our position
21:42quite clear.
21:43What do you propose
21:44to do about it?
21:48I don't suppose
21:49it's occurred to you
21:50to wonder
21:51what will become of me
21:52if I have to live on me own.
21:54Oh, I know I could get
21:55a budget to keep me company.
21:57But at my time of life,
21:59a woman needs a man.
22:00For what, may I ask?
22:03I need a man to love me.
22:05Love?
22:06Ah!
22:06It's just an excuse
22:08for ex-films
22:09and prominent boosins.
22:12When you're young
22:13and first married,
22:15you're too busy
22:15painting the bathroom
22:16and laying your underfelt
22:18to bother about
22:19being in love.
22:20But then,
22:21as you get older
22:22and you gradually realise
22:24that you've got
22:25nothing whatsoever
22:25in common with each other,
22:27you begin to feel
22:28the need of a bit of love.
22:31So who is the obvious choice
22:33to give it to you?
22:36Your dad
22:37and your favourite uncles
22:39will be long since dead.
22:42Your old sweethearts
22:43will all be married
22:45and your old heartthrobs
22:46will have long stopped throbbing.
22:49So who do you turn to?
22:54Well, you have to make
22:54most of a bad job
22:55and settle for your husband.
22:58And that's why
22:59I'm keeping Les.
23:01That's why I prefer him
23:02to a budgie.
23:05Oh, I know budgies
23:06can do some very comical tricks
23:09with their cuttlefish bones.
23:12But a budgie's no match
23:13for a man
23:14when it comes to
23:15downright untidiness
23:16and lack of consideration.
23:20Right, then.
23:22Right what?
23:23I've made a decision.
23:24You've made a decision?
23:26Correct.
23:26I'm doing a bunk.
23:27I'm leaving home tonight.
23:29I'm never setting foot
23:30in this house again.
23:31I'm walking out
23:32on my past,
23:32I'm walking out
23:33on my present.
23:34And would you please
23:35be sure to pack
23:35my best singlets
23:36and underpants.
23:37So there,
23:37what have you got
23:38to say to that?
23:48I think it's
23:49a wonderful idea, Les.
23:51Pardon?
23:53Go on, do a bunk.
23:54Clear out.
23:56Clear out
23:56and leave everything.
23:58You what?
23:58And I'll come with you.
24:00You what?
24:01You what?
24:03We'll elope, Les.
24:05If they don't approve of us,
24:06we'll do what
24:07all romantic couples do.
24:09We'll elope.
24:10And I'll tell thee this,
24:12Leslie Brandon.
24:13We'll do it good and proper
24:15with all the trimmings.
24:17This haryn.
24:18Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
24:34Good night,
24:36not good.
24:37Not good.
24:45Michael,
24:46we'll be having us
24:46the Kennedy
24:46and the Jake
24:46Put some
26:32All this love and romance is a devil, isn't it?
26:36Aye.
26:37I mean, who the hell am I going to sup with now for the next fortnight?
26:41Mm.
26:43Women never think of things like that.
26:53Isn't it a gorgeous evening, Carter?
26:56Mm.
26:57What are you thinking about, love?
27:00Are you wondering what it would be like for us to elope?
27:03Are you wondering if they have facilities for that sort of thing on package tours?
27:07No.
27:08I'm thinking about competition for Chatterton's current loaf.
27:11Oh, I've got a smashing slogan for that.
27:14Do you want to hear it?
27:15Go on, then.
27:16Large or small, big or tall, with Chatterton's current loaf you'll have a ball.
27:21Mm.
27:22I've got a slogan for life that goes something like that.
27:25Well, I've never thought it was it.
27:27Large or small, big or tall, life can make your shoulders droop.
27:36I endorse that.
27:39So do I.
27:41Mm.
27:43So do I.
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