- 2 days ago
1990 SITCOM "Tom really thinks that he won't have to wait for God much longer when he says he is dying and is rushed to hospital. He is discovered to have had a heart attack but he becomes very depressed and talks about suicide, writing "die on Thursday" in his diary. " IMDB Starring Stephanie Cole, Graham Crowden, Daniel Hill, Janine Duvitski, Andrew Tourell, Sandra Payne
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TVTranscript
00:00.
00:55Cooey, morning, Diana.
00:59Oh, what a lovely morning it is, too.
01:02It's been raining, you cretin.
01:03And what are we painting?
01:05The Sistine Chapel.
01:07Oh, that's in Rome.
01:08I've got a very long brush.
01:12I'm painting that new gardener, the Portuguese boy.
01:15Oh, Antonio.
01:16Mm-hm.
01:17Oh, let me see.
01:19Oh, Diana.
01:20Whatever's the matter?
01:21Oh, he's got no clothes on.
01:23Where?
01:24Oh, there, in your painting.
01:26Jane, that is a tree.
01:29Naked?
01:30Well, most trees are naked.
01:32No, I mean, it looks like a naked man.
01:35Jane, has it ever crossed your mind that you have severe psychological problems?
01:39But where is Antonio?
01:40Well, he's behind the tree.
01:41What?
01:42Yes.
01:43You see, you can't see him.
01:44All you can see is his rake leaning against the tree.
01:46Oh, that's a rake.
01:48Oh, that's a white rake.
01:50The rake symbolizes the presence of Antonio.
01:53The painting is not a representational actuality of Antonio.
01:57Oh, you mean you can't do people?
01:59I mean nothing of a kind.
02:00What do you want?
02:02Well, I'd come to see what you'd like for lunch.
02:04There's a choice.
02:05There's veal cutlets.
02:06Or?
02:07Or not veal cutlets.
02:09Why do you come on these futile excursions?
02:12Mr. Baines wants the residents to feel they have a say in how things are run at Bayview.
02:17Pure tokenism, Jane.
02:18Harvey Baines doesn't give a damn how things are run here just so long as they are run profitably.
02:23Oh, you're so negative.
02:24I certainly am.
02:25If there's one thing I'm positive about, it's being negative.
02:28Try Tom.
02:29He loves that sort of nonsense.
02:31Yes, where is Tom today?
02:33Isn't this his day for driving the mobile library woman up the wall?
02:36Oh, no.
02:37That's Tuesdays.
02:39Wednesdays is Save the Whales Day.
02:40Is his blow-up whale in the dining room?
02:44That's a point.
02:46Er, no, it isn't.
02:48He can't have been in for breakfast.
02:50Well, we'd better investigate.
02:52Er, I'll go.
02:53Alone.
02:55It's policy.
02:56What is?
02:57Well, you know, er, just supposing, er, well...
03:02You mean if Tom has fallen off the perch?
03:04Oh, please, Diana.
03:06Jane, as a one-time photojournalist with a penchant for war zones,
03:09I've seen hundreds of dead bodies.
03:11Yes, but they were foreign.
03:13Oh, gee.
03:14Come on.
03:15I'll come with you.
03:16Oh, dear.
03:18Oh, dear.
03:26Oh, dear.
03:27It's probably just slept in.
03:29Oh.
03:29Doesn't smell as if someone snuffed it in the night.
03:31Oh, Diana.
03:32Well, usually the old bow's open.
03:34It gets a bit whiffy.
03:35Oh.
03:36Okay.
03:39Oh.
03:39Oh.
03:40Call an ambulance.
03:42Tom?
03:44Tom, can you hear me?
03:46Tom!
03:47Can you hear me?
03:49Of course I can hear you.
03:51I'm not deaf.
03:52Oh, what's the matter?
03:54I think I'm dying.
03:56Don't you bloody dare.
04:00Where's the doctor?
04:01War set up at the hospital.
04:02There's nothing to worry about, Diana.
04:04Jane, contact his family.
04:05No, don't.
04:05He can't stand them.
04:07Please leave this to us, Diana.
04:08He is my friend.
04:10Then why are you shouting?
04:11Because I am going with him.
04:13Sorry, ma'am.
04:13Can't do that.
04:14Yes, of course I can.
04:14Diana, please.
04:15Oh, he's in good hands.
04:16Tom!
04:17Just calm down, Diana.
04:19Oh, bugger-o!
04:26Oh, no.
04:58Oh, excuse me.
04:59How is he?
05:01You'll have to talk to the doctor.
05:02I just want to know how he is.
05:04Look, why don't you go and get a nice cup of tea?
05:06I have had 16 cups of tea.
05:08I want to know how he is.
05:11He's comfortable.
05:12Yes, well, I know he's comfortable.
05:13He's in bed.
05:13I want to know what is wrong with him.
05:15I'm sorry.
05:16You really will have to talk to the doctor.
05:17But where is the sodding doctor?
05:24Oh.
05:25Oh, Tom, you great buffoon.
05:31What do you think you're playing at?
05:58Oh, doctor.
05:59Yes?
06:00How is he?
06:02He's comfortable.
06:03He's comfortable.
06:03Oh, my God.
06:04Watch my lips.
06:05How is he?
06:06What is his state of health?
06:08Is he about to snuff it or does he want to go skiing?
06:11Are you the wife?
06:12The wife?
06:13What do you mean, the wife?
06:14Do you mean, am I his wife?
06:16Yes.
06:17No, I am not his wife.
06:18I am his friend.
06:20I'm sorry.
06:20I think I better speak to his wife before his friend.
06:23Then you better take a shovel.
06:25She's been dead 15 years.
06:30In the circumstances, I think that's a rather tasteless remark.
06:34What do you mean, he's about to join her?
06:36I believe his son and daughter-in-law are on their way.
06:39Oh, God.
06:40He's as thick as a plank and she's something out of Twilight Zone.
06:42Look, tell me.
06:44I'm sorry.
06:44I can only speak to family.
06:48All right.
06:49I am his wife.
06:50I am his common-law wife.
06:52We are at it night and day.
06:54That is, probably if I put him in here in the first place.
06:59Talk to me, you bastard!
07:15Doctor said we should wait here.
07:17He just simply goes in it.
07:19One night out if he has to go and mess it up.
07:22Marianne.
07:23Oh!
07:24God, look a bag lady.
07:28If he joined Bupa, he wouldn't be here with the down and ups.
07:32Just sit down.
07:37Do you want me to get you some coffee?
07:39Thanks.
07:39I might sober up.
07:41No doubt it.
07:43Smashing party.
07:45Yes, dear.
07:46That Simon person squeezed my bottom.
07:51Yes, dear.
07:52Wicked.
07:53Squeeze.
07:55Ooh!
08:00Jeffy.
08:02Yes, Marianne.
08:03Supposing.
08:05What?
08:06You know.
08:07I mean, we know.
08:10I don't know.
08:11Your dad.
08:12Yes.
08:14He's had a good run, hasn't he?
08:17What?
08:18We've got to face up to all possibilities.
08:20Not now, dear.
08:22I mean, we've been very good to him.
08:24Well, of course.
08:24He's my father.
08:25Right.
08:26Family.
08:26Yes.
08:27We're all family.
08:29Yes.
08:30What's ours is his.
08:32That's very nice of you, Marianne.
08:34What's his is ours.
08:37Sorry?
08:39Like the insurance.
08:40The little bits of silver and that nice Persian rug.
08:43Yes!
08:44It's her.
08:45Miss Trent.
08:46So nice of you to come.
08:48Eventually.
08:49What are you doing here?
08:50I'm trying to find out how Tom is.
08:52He's fine.
08:52It's not too serious.
08:54Not a proper heart attack at all.
08:55He can never get a nothing right.
08:57The doctor called it a minor occlusion.
08:59It's a sort of warning.
09:01The doctor spoke to you.
09:02Of course.
09:03Well, he didn't speak to me.
09:05Probably didn't like the look of you.
09:08I thought you were a bad lady.
09:11No!
09:12Dad.
09:14Hello, Geoffrey.
09:15Marion.
09:16We've been so worried about you.
09:18Haven't we, Geoffrey?
09:19Absolutely.
09:19And we really think that when you get out of here,
09:21you ought to come home and stay with us.
09:23Only if you want to, of course.
09:29No, thank you.
09:30I'll go back to Bayview if it's all the same to you.
09:33But why?
09:33Well, you know how it is.
09:35Want to keep an eye on things like my little bits of silver
09:38and my nice Persian rug.
09:42Got the Porsche old thing?
09:44Certainly have.
09:45Then let's go.
09:45Dad.
09:47Tom.
09:48You should have been eating just like this.
09:49No.
09:50Well, then maybe you shouldn't.
09:51Of course I shouldn't.
09:52Well, then why are you?
09:53Oh, God, woman.
09:55Don't you ever listen to your own lectures?
09:57To stay alive, one must be bloody-minded and contrary at all times.
10:00Maybe I was just theorizing.
10:01Oh, hold this bag and shut up.
10:04Oh, yes.
10:05A little weary.
10:06Please, Tom, go back.
10:07Oh, no.
10:08I've got to get out of here.
10:09I can feel the clammy hand of something or other crawling along the walls.
10:15Oh, I've been there, you know.
10:16I've been there.
10:17We must get out of here.
10:19Oh, dear.
10:20Oh, dear.
10:24Do you think the part is still going?
10:28Well, he's had a good long sleep and despite discharging himself in such a cavalier fashion,
10:34he seems to be recovering quite well.
10:37Physically, that is.
10:38More than I am.
10:40Do you do head transplants?
10:43Physically, you say?
10:44Yes, it's the state of his mind that gives us most cause for concern.
10:48You see, when he was in the hospital, he asked us to pull the plug on him.
10:52You should have listened to him.
10:53Mary, what if he's required?
10:55It's not an uncommon request.
10:57He went on to say that most of his chums had died and he wanted to be able to join
11:01them.
11:01Yes, we get a lot of that round here.
11:04Death seems to come in waves.
11:06One goes and the others all pop off in sympathy.
11:11Not that we encourage it, of course.
11:13Oh, no, it's not policy, is it?
11:16It would appear that there is one person that he likes.
11:19Yes, that's me.
11:20He likes me.
11:21I'm his son.
11:23Someone called Diana Trent.
11:25Yes, Tom and Miss Trent do spend a lot of time together.
11:29More's the pity.
11:30Well, maybe she could help to get his head sorted out.
11:34She couldn't get her underwear sorted out.
11:36Marianne, how do you mean, Doctor?
11:39Well, is this Miss Trent by any chance a kind, considerate, caring sort of person?
11:47No.
11:50He's what?
11:51He's sort of in shock.
11:53Well, of course he's in shock. He thought he was going to die.
11:56Well, apparently with Tom it goes much deeper.
11:58What do you mean?
11:58Well, you know, Dad's a bit odd, a bit of a fantasy dreamer.
12:01Aren't we all?
12:02We've got to have a dream.
12:04To make a dream come true.
12:05What?
12:06South Pacific.
12:08Pennsylvania.
12:08Yeah, yeah.
12:10Happy talking, talking, happy talk.
12:13Talking about things you'd like to do.
12:22Who did you say was disturbed?
12:26Apparently Tom has gone into a bit of a depression.
12:28Well, it won't do him any harm.
12:29He's always been far too cheerful.
12:31The doctor feels you're the one to get him out of it.
12:34Me?
12:34He seems to think that Tom has developed some sort of psychological dependence on you.
12:39What am I supposed to do about that?
12:40Well, we were hoping you could cheer him up.
12:42Cheer him up?
12:43Me?
12:43I spend my life trying to depress people.
12:46Well, it is rather important.
12:48What if I don't succeed?
12:50Well, he isn't very stable right now.
12:58Cheer him up.
13:01Cheerful, cheerful, cheerful.
13:04I haven't been cheerful since 1975.
13:08That was only because I got typhoid.
13:21What a wonderful day.
13:23What a splendid day.
13:27Oh, God.
13:28Bloody awful day.
13:33Hello, Tom.
13:34What a wonderful day.
13:41What's wrong with your face?
13:44I'm smiling.
13:46Then don't.
13:47But I can't help it.
13:48I feel wonderful.
13:49I'm full of...
13:50full of inner...
13:52joy.
13:53Have you been putting gin on your cornflakes again?
13:57I'm happy.
13:59You've no reason to be.
14:00You look like a giant clam.
14:03Only older.
14:04Don't you call me old.
14:06That's better.
14:07More like your usual foul self.
14:10What makes you...
14:12happy?
14:13I like the way my painting is going.
14:15Oh.
14:17Do you want to see it?
14:17No, thank you.
14:19I wouldn't want to see something that is still going to grow after I've gone.
14:23Gone where, Tom?
14:25Gone across the Stygian waters to the other side...
14:28of the Black River.
14:30You mean Battersea?
14:34The empty beyond.
14:37How do you know that the beyond is empty?
14:40I went there yesterday at the hospital.
14:42I left my body, you know.
14:43I was looking down at me.
14:46Then I was out in the corridor looking down and listening to you all.
14:49That's how I knew what that dreadful Marion was up to.
14:53Absolutely.
14:54Cold.
14:55And did you see the tunnel of light and the heavenly choirs and all those ghastly relatives you thought you
15:01got rid of?
15:03No.
15:04I was alone.
15:05Oh, well, then it was a shock reaction, Tom.
15:07If it had been a near-death reaction, you would have had all the other jazz.
15:11But you don't believe in the afterlife.
15:13Well, I...
15:14I keep an open mind.
15:16I think...
15:16Well, I think you probably get what you believe in.
15:19And you've got your faith.
15:20So, for you, death should just be the beginning of another big adventure.
15:24But suppose I'm wrong and you're right.
15:26Suppose they do just rot in a box, or even worse, suppose heaven is really like some sort of...
15:30What did you call it?
15:31Albanian Disneyland, where everyone is so nice you just want to throw up?
15:36I'm just talking, Tom.
15:38I'm sure heaven is fine.
15:39There's different things to different people.
15:42But to you, heaven would be some sort of...
15:44Some sort of Shangri-La, full of heroes and optimists and people shoving flowers in their ears.
15:51And to you?
15:52To me?
15:53To me, heaven would be a noisy New York bar full of cynical, drunken, loud-mouthed journalists
16:00all pretending to be Hemingway, all telling huge lies to one another.
16:04Then again, maybe this is it, here.
16:08Maybe the Bayview Retirement Village is the afterlife.
16:13Maybe we died at the pearly gates at the bottom of the drive.
16:16I'll be going to St Peter.
16:19The thing I really hate about death is the lack of a timetable.
16:24You can't look up when your last train is leaving.
16:28The Bayview to Heaven Express.
16:34Then again...
16:35Wait a minute.
16:38Maybe I can look it up.
16:40If I write my own timetable, then I can decide when the last train leaves.
16:45No, Tom, not suicide.
16:46Yes, that's it.
16:48Then I'll know when it's going to happen and I can put it in my diary.
16:52Yes, that's it. Wonderful.
16:56See you later.
16:58Or not as the case may be.
17:03He what?
17:04He wants to kill himself.
17:05Oh, dear.
17:06What did you say to him?
17:07I asked you to cheer him up, not push him over the edge.
17:10Well, I failed, didn't I?
17:11We've never had a suicide at Bayview.
17:13Plenty of deaths, but never a do-it-yourself job.
17:17Maybe I should have a word with him.
17:19I don't think he's in that much of a hurry, Jane.
17:23We'd better get his family back.
17:24Oh, don't be so thick.
17:26Spending all those years with that gormless troglodyte of a son
17:29and his screeching parrot of a wife
17:30that has made him into the unbalanced old bat he is today.
17:33Leave it to me, I think.
17:35What do you know about anything?
17:38Diana, I'll have you know, I trained for over three weeks to run this place.
17:42And people management was a very important part of that training.
17:46I should be able to sort this out.
17:48I am a man of action.
17:50Aren't I, Jane?
17:51Oh, yes, you are.
17:53Jane, you're touching me.
17:58Tuesday, heart attack.
18:00It wasn't a heart attack, Tom.
18:02Wednesday, discussed life and death with Diana.
18:06You mustn't listen to Diana, Tom.
18:08Thursday, died.
18:13Which day am I going to be buried?
18:15I don't want to leave an untidy diary behind.
18:17Well, Monday costs too much in overtime at the weekends.
18:21Monday, buried.
18:22You're not going to be buried at all, Tom.
18:25I do not wish to be cremated.
18:27You're not going to be cremated either.
18:28What are you going to do then?
18:29Throw me over the back fence?
18:31You're not going to die, Tom.
18:34Not ever.
18:35Not tomorrow.
18:36What's wrong with tomorrow?
18:37Well, it's...
18:39What's wrong with tomorrow, Jane?
18:41Well, it's Thursday.
18:43It's Thursday.
18:45And is it against Bayview policy to die on a Thursday?
18:48It is against Bayview policy for residents to die before their due time.
18:51But it is by due time.
18:53How do you know that?
18:54It's in my diary.
18:55Die.
18:56Thursday.
18:57If I die on the Friday, I'll be a day late and I hate unpunctuality.
19:00It would be bad for me.
19:02For us.
19:03What for Bayview?
19:04I mean, if people think that every time they leave their elderly relatives here,
19:07they're going to top themselves on a Thursday,
19:09well, people won't send anyone here and we'll go broke and have to close.
19:13Then my passing will not have been in vain.
19:15That's not funny.
19:16I'd miss you, Tom.
19:18That's very nice of you.
19:19But if you don't mind, it's time for my sleep now.
19:22I have a long day before me tomorrow.
19:26Well, not as long as usual, if you know what I mean.
19:30Good night.
19:36I'd like you to have that.
19:38Please accept it.
19:41It's awfully good.
19:42Yes.
19:45I'd like you to have that.
19:46You see?
19:46Yes, I want you to have it.
19:49Please.
19:49Thank you very much.
19:53Right.
19:53We'll see about that, Mr. Ballard.
20:06So you're okay, Dad?
20:08Well, I'm fine, Geoffrey, thank you.
20:10Mr. Bain said he was worried about you.
20:11Oh, probably mixing me up with somebody else.
20:14Said you were feeling a bit suicidal.
20:17Well, I was, but I'm not any longer.
20:19Especially since you didn't bring Marion.
20:23She didn't mean to say that about the silver and the Persian rug.
20:26She was just exercising the words, wasn't she?
20:30She means well, Dad.
20:34Geoffrey, suppose you never saw me again.
20:38Dad?
20:39No, no.
20:39Not that you won't, of course.
20:41But just in case, I'd like to give you one piece of fatherly advice.
20:46Yes, Dad.
20:48Marion does not mean well.
20:50She's an evil little harpy.
20:53Dad, I really must object.
20:55Take her down to the old quarry pond, tie a rope round her neck and shove her in.
21:02Dad, this is not like you.
21:04You've always been such a kind and gentle person.
21:07The kind and gentle people of this world sometimes just don't have the courage to be as bloody as they'd
21:11really like to be.
21:13I don't know what to say. I'm shocked.
21:15And I blame myself about you too, Geoffrey.
21:18What's wrong with me?
21:20You're wet, Geoffrey.
21:23Desperately wet and spineless.
21:25You're hell-bent on being as big a wishy-washy nobody as your dad.
21:30I think I'm going.
21:31You're obviously not yourself today.
21:33And the first thing you must do to regain a smidgen of self-respect is to get rid of that
21:38woman.
21:39Wire her up to the national grid or something.
21:44Goodbye, Dad.
21:47This is all your fault.
21:49He was a nice old man till he met you.
21:51Go away.
22:00Don't you go away.
22:09I want you to have these.
22:12No, thank you.
22:13But they're all I've got.
22:14My most treasured possessions.
22:16Well, no good to me.
22:17Why not?
22:18Well, because I'm coming with you.
22:20Your what?
22:21Yes, you're right.
22:23What is the point any longer?
22:25We're just a waste of space.
22:27I'm bored rigid most of the time.
22:29Might just as well join you on the last great adventure.
22:34So, how are we going to do it?
22:37Do what?
22:38Well, croak ourselves.
22:43Pills?
22:44I haven't really thought that far.
22:46I think pills are a bit namby-pamby myself.
22:48But you don't feel anything.
22:50What a waste of time if you don't feel anything.
22:52What do you gain from it?
22:54Pain is experience, Tom.
22:56Experience for what?
22:57Well, for its own sake.
22:59Now, if we were to shoot ourselves,
23:01there would be a moment when we would know what it felt like to be shot.
23:07We would be more complete human beings.
23:11Metaphysically, that is.
23:12Physically, of course, we'd be slightly less complete human beings.
23:17No, I don't think I could switch myself in.
23:19What about the old necktie party, then?
23:21We could string ourselves up outside the dining room at lunchtime.
23:23I don't curdle their custard.
23:26I don't think so.
23:27No, no, you're probably right.
23:28All that gurgling and twitching and your eyeballs popping out all over the place.
23:32I am.
23:33Blackened tongues flapping in the breeze.
23:36Do mine.
23:38Wrists-slashing.
23:39My niece is always trying that.
23:41Every wet Wednesday.
23:43Save herself a lot of trouble if she had zippers put in her wrists.
23:45Please, Diana.
23:47I hear droning's quite nice.
23:49You get to see the whole of your life pass before your eyes.
23:52No.
23:53No, no, you're probably right.
23:54Who'd want a rerun of your boring life?
23:56Well, no, what else is there?
23:59Poison?
24:00Exhaust fumes?
24:01I don't know.
24:03Well, you'd better think of something.
24:04I haven't put us down for tea.
24:05Do you think you're starving to death?
24:07Look, it's none of your business.
24:11It's my death, my idea, my little moment.
24:15The only reason you want to join me is because you can't stand not being the centre of attention.
24:21You've ruined everything.
24:23You're not going to do it.
24:25No, I'm not.
24:26You never were.
24:28I might have done.
24:30Might.
24:31Felt like it.
24:32Not you.
24:35You think I haven't got the guts?
24:37No.
24:37I think you've got more sense.
24:40I mean, I wouldn't have done it because I...
24:42Well, I might be a late developer in something.
24:47In the art world.
24:49This painting, it could be a great painting.
24:52The first of many.
24:56See, while you're still breathing,
24:58there is still something that you can do with your life.
25:02Well, who knows?
25:03You could still be a famous bullfighter or astronaut.
25:06Not very likely.
25:07All right, you could be a famous mediocrity then.
25:13So will you be.
25:15I beg your pardon?
25:16That's the worst painting I've ever seen.
25:19It's a very hard painting.
25:20No, it's not.
25:21It's terrible.
25:22I mean, look at that tree.
25:24It looks like a naked man.
25:25Oh, dear.
25:26Oh, dear.
25:27Oh, dear.
25:27Yes.
25:27You've got no talent at all.
25:29I have got talent.
25:31No.
25:31You're hopeless.
25:32I am not.
25:32Really useless.
25:34You're as much useless as I am.
25:35Quite the worst painting I've ever seen.
25:37Oh, dear.
25:38Oh, dear.
25:39Oh, dreadful.
25:42Thank you, Diana.
25:43You cheered me up immensely.
25:46That's a terrible painting.
25:52Give it back.
25:53You gave it to me.
25:55He was just on loan.
25:57He was back.
25:58No.
25:58I want it back.
26:00You can't have it.
26:01Please.
26:01I am grateful, Diana.
26:03How did you do it?
26:04I deliberately painted a terrible picture
26:06so that you'd think he wasn't the only one with problems.
26:14It doesn't look that terrible to me.
26:16Really?
26:17Then again, when it comes to art appreciation,
26:20I'm a complete moron.
26:22See you later.
26:24Glad you'll see the saints.
26:25Pits this out, huh?
26:28Thanks.
26:38Well done, God.
26:39more than you.
26:41minutes by Air.
26:42Two to five vinces.
26:48Two to five.
26:57You can touch the ģ“ź±°ė„¼ auch.
26:57Two to five.
27:00Two to five.
27:02You better listen.
27:04Two to five in there.
27:06Why?
27:09Look how it'll meet you again.
27:09Well done, we'll show you.
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