- 1 minute ago
1975 SITCOM "The Brandon family and The Three Great-Aunts From Glossop assemble for Auntie Edna's funeral; after 25 years of marriage, Annie wants Les to take her on a second honeymoon; Carter's girlfriend Pat decides it's time they got engaged." IMDB Starring Robin Bailey, Liz Smith, Ray Mort, Stephen Rea, Anita Carey
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TVTranscript
00:28Let's get started.
00:46Hey, Carter, haven't we got a smashing view here?
00:49Hmm.
00:50Aren't we lucky to have a home of our own in such a select area?
00:54Hmm.
00:55It'd be lovely to have a roof over your head
00:57and your own front door you can lock behind you and shut out the world.
01:01Hmm.
01:03Oh, you've no sense of visualisation.
01:06I have. I can see it all.
01:08The lounge diner with the wall-to-wall carpets,
01:12the French windows opening onto a patio
01:14and our next door neighbour hanging out a washing.
01:20Carter.
01:23Carter, love, come and see the master bedroom.
01:26I don't mind.
01:32Of course, it's not finished yet.
01:34I've still got to fix...
01:35Don't stub your cigarette out there!
01:38There's going to be some very expensive carpet in there
01:40when I've been to the co-op.
01:41Show a bit of pride in your own.
01:44Now, what about the decor?
01:47What colour should we have the walls?
01:49Eh, I'm not mithered.
01:52You should be.
01:54It's a very well-known fact
01:56that what you have on your bedroom walls
01:57can affect the whole of your future life.
02:00Hmm.
02:03It's a matter of interest, Carter.
02:04What did you have on your bedroom walls when you was a boy?
02:07Damp patches.
02:09Honestly, Carter,
02:11there's not a scrap of romance in you.
02:14No.
02:15This used to be open country when I were a lad.
02:18I used to build dens here.
02:21Dens?
02:21They're spoiling the countryside,
02:23building all these houses.
02:25Why can't they leave it to the rabbits
02:27and the stoats and the pit ponies
02:29coming up to surfers for their summer rest?
02:31Pit ponies?
02:33It's been like this here for centuries.
02:35There was mastodons wandering round here
02:37till he became extinct.
02:39Well, I'll be extinct
02:41by the time you take an interest in the house.
02:43Come on, let's be getting you home.
02:45Oh.
02:50Hang on.
02:51Haven't you forgotten something?
02:53What?
02:54You've left the front door open, haven't you?
02:57There's no need to be sarky.
03:02You know, lad,
03:03this room's a disgrace.
03:05I know.
03:05I mean, look at paintwork.
03:07Look at cracks in the ceiling.
03:10Look at stated wallpaper.
03:12That's what I keep telling Annie.
03:15Butch your notch,
03:15you have to bloody self
03:16and get to work on it.
03:17No.
03:19Women, they're bone-eyed, aren't they?
03:21Do you know what, lad?
03:23Year before she died,
03:24I bought Edna a blackened deck of drill
03:27for her birthday.
03:29She never even took it out at box.
03:32I bought her a set of spanners
03:34for Christmas.
03:35Took her to least it
03:36and meant mandle.
03:37I says to her,
03:38I says,
03:40if that's all the gratitude I get,
03:42I says,
03:42I might as well sling me hook
03:44and leave home.
03:44And then where would you be
03:46without a man about house?
03:50Hey, Hope,
03:51where have you two been?
03:52Inspecting the site
03:53for our new house.
03:54House?
03:55You want to buy yourself a tent
03:56and live in it like a Bedouin.
03:59I would have done,
04:00only I was worried
04:01Mrs. Wood Frightened Campbell.
04:04Sit yourself down,
04:05you're making the place look untidy.
04:06Do you fancy a game of dominoes?
04:08No, thank you.
04:09How about a game of crib, then?
04:11No, thank you.
04:12We've got more important things to do
04:14than play crib.
04:15Good God,
04:15what can be more important
04:17than playing crib?
04:18Tell him, Carter.
04:21Aye, well...
04:23Hmm...
04:24Well,
04:25we were sort of thinking...
04:27Well, I mean,
04:28this is the back parlour,
04:29ain't it?
04:29Eh?
04:30And it is more or less
04:31the only room in the house
04:32that's vacant at the moment,
04:33isn't it?
04:33Eh?
04:35And, well...
04:36Hmm...
04:38We are sort of caught in
04:39at the moment,
04:39aren't we?
04:40Eh?
04:41Well, then, you know.
04:42I don't,
04:42haven't a clue
04:43what you're talking about.
04:44Oh, yes, you have.
04:46I mean, you know
04:47what you and Auntie Edna
04:48did in the back parlour
04:49when you was caught in,
04:50don't you?
04:51Eh?
04:51Well, that's what
04:52me and Carter want to do.
04:53Oh, I see.
04:54You want to put in
04:55a new fireplace, do you?
04:57Come on, Mark.
04:58Let's leave them to it.
04:59Oh.
05:01All right, then.
05:03You, youngster,
05:05you've no sense.
05:07You know what
05:07the pundits say,
05:08don't you?
05:09Every time you have a kiss,
05:11it takes a second
05:12off your life expectancy.
05:13And if you're muggy enough
05:15to enjoy it,
05:16that's a minute
05:16gone down the old swanny.
05:18On that count,
05:20I reckon your dad's
05:20going to be bloody immortal.
05:22Uh-oh.
05:24Don't all look
05:24the start of the battle.
05:26Huh.
05:27Kissing and cuddling.
05:29You're signing
05:29your own death warrants.
05:32Come on, then, Carter.
05:34Do your stuff.
05:35Right-o, then.
05:37Now, before you start,
05:38you've got nothing sharp
05:39in your pockets,
05:40have you?
05:41No.
05:42Right, then.
05:42Let's be romantic.
05:46Oh, Carter,
05:47I love you.
05:48Mm.
05:49Mm.
05:51Mm.
05:51Mm.
05:52Mm.
05:53Well, you might show
05:54a bit of enthusiasm.
05:55I don't like enthusiasm.
05:57Oh, yes, you do.
05:58You always show enthusiasm
06:00when Linda Preston's around.
06:01No, I don't.
06:02Yes, you do.
06:02Don't argue.
06:03Is it because of
06:04her low-cut jumpers?
06:06No.
06:06Oh, yes, it is.
06:07Don't argue.
06:08I've seen the way
06:09that you squint
06:09down the front
06:10of her cleavage.
06:13Carter.
06:14What?
06:15Would you like me
06:16to wear low-cut jumpers?
06:18Yee, I'm not my-vid.
06:21How low would you
06:23like them to be, love?
06:25Go on.
06:26Show me.
06:29Not on you.
06:31On me.
06:37Oh, you rude thing, Carter.
06:40You'll have me
06:41walking around
06:41half-naked.
06:42I'll look like
06:43something out of
06:44the world about us.
06:47Aye, well, hmm.
06:49Oh, Carter.
06:51Carter.
06:55Will you tell me
06:56something, Carter?
06:57Yes?
06:58Which do you like
06:59most?
07:01Pineapple chunks?
07:04Or crushed gooseberries
07:06in the sea?
07:08You what?
07:09What are you on about?
07:10Tint of fruit for tea
07:12on Saturday afternoon.
07:13Saturday afternoon?
07:14That's when your mum
07:15and dad and your uncle
07:16Mart are coming round
07:17to tea to meet
07:17me mother.
07:18On Saturday afternoon?
07:20Yes, love, yes.
07:22Oh, I knew you'd be
07:23enthusiastic about
07:24something sooner or later.
07:32Saturday afternoon.
07:34What a time to go
07:35visiting.
07:36The lads are playing
07:37Wakefield Trinity
07:37Saturday afternoon.
07:39There'll be a bloodbath
07:40with a bit of luck.
07:42Typical of women,
07:43is that?
07:44They've no sense
07:45of reality.
07:46They've no sense
07:47of practicality.
07:48Look at day
07:50your car to a ball.
07:51Saturday afternoon.
07:55Six round
07:57at FA Cup
07:58versus Sheffield Wednesday.
08:00A 60,000 gate.
08:02Your dad and me
08:03stood on terraces.
08:05And then this voice
08:06comes over
08:07at loudspeakers.
08:10Will Mr. Leslie Brandon
08:12kindly report
08:15to the city maternity home?
08:20Where his wife
08:21has given birth
08:22to a bambino.
08:27You should have
08:28heard the cheer.
08:29We didn't know
08:29where to put a cent.
08:31We had to wait
08:31ten minutes
08:32for the next free kick
08:33so we could school
08:33count
08:34and no one noticed him.
08:35And when we got
08:36to hospital
08:37your mother plays
08:38merry her up
08:38about us
08:39not bringing
08:39no flowers.
08:41Well you tell me
08:42this,
08:42where can you get
08:43flowers
08:43at a bloody
08:44football night?
08:46Women all over
08:47is that?
08:48They've no sense
08:49of reality.
08:50They've no sense
08:51of practicality.
08:52I shall never forget
08:53that day
08:54as long as I live.
08:54Yes you will
08:56memories like
08:58a pint
08:58of London beer
08:59it don't last
09:01forever.
09:03Thank God.
09:05I wish marriage
09:07was the same.
09:0825 years
09:09of it I've had
09:09now she's
09:11given me
09:11the ultimate
09:11punishment
09:12second bloody
09:13honeymoon.
09:15You should take
09:16heed of all
09:16this Carter.
09:17Hmm.
09:18Trouble with you
09:19youngsters today
09:20you get
09:21carried away
09:22with glamour
09:23a marriage
09:25nights in
09:26boudoir
09:27see-through
09:28negligence
09:29how's your
09:30father before
09:31pubs open
09:31on Sunday
09:32morning
09:33but you forget
09:35one fundamental
09:36fact about
09:37marriage
09:37What's that?
09:39It involves
09:41sleeping with
09:42a woman
09:44So I've been
09:45told
09:45What you
09:47don't realise
09:48is
09:48that as soon
09:50as a woman
09:51falls asleep
09:52she automatically
09:53doubles her
09:54body weight
09:57You can
09:58bank on it
09:59As soon as
10:01she shuts
10:01her eyes
10:02and starts
10:02snoring
10:03she keels
10:04over on
10:04top of you
10:05and
10:08It's like
10:09sleeping under
10:10a mound
10:11of bicycles
10:13Women
10:15women
10:16Hey you
10:17Carter
10:17What's
10:18healthy
10:18young lad
10:19like you
10:19doing
10:19with a
10:20couple
10:20of
10:20old
10:20codgers
10:21like
10:21them
10:21Watch it
10:25Watch it
10:25Hello there
10:26sunshine
10:27I should
10:28play me
10:286-4 if I
10:29was you
10:29love
10:30Hey
10:31is this
10:31smashing piece
10:32of good
10:32your dad
10:33Carter
10:33What a
10:35cracker
10:35Now I can
10:36see where
10:37you get
10:37your good
10:37looks from
10:39You're going
10:40the match
10:40on Saturday
10:41Wait for
10:42Trinity
10:42Be a bloodbath
10:44with a bit
10:44of luck
10:45Hey tell
10:45you what
10:46I'd buy
10:47you all
10:47a pint
10:47if I
10:47wants
10:48a skint
10:48If I
10:49get out
10:50at this
10:50next
10:50throw me
10:51darts
10:51you'll
10:51be on
10:51Treble
10:5219
10:53treble
10:5317
10:54double
10:54top
10:54and
10:55the
10:55be
10:55a
10:55leg's
10:55mine
10:56Ta-ra
10:56then
10:56I'll
10:57see
10:57you
11:02She
11:02were
11:02right
11:03you
11:03know
11:036-4
11:05I've
11:06beat
11:06you
11:06left
11:07You
11:08have
11:08big
11:08God
11:09Who
11:09is
11:10she
11:10Carter
11:10Linda
11:10Preston
11:11Well
11:12I'll
11:12give
11:12her
11:12one
11:12thing
11:12she
11:13certainly
11:13knows
11:13her
11:13rugby
11:14league
11:14And
11:14the
11:14dominoes
11:15And
11:15she
11:15can
11:16suck
11:16fights
11:16like
11:16a
11:16good
11:17in
11:17By
11:18gum
11:18she's
11:18half
11:19way
11:19to
11:19be
11:19in
11:19my
11:20idea
11:20at
11:20perfect
11:21woman
11:21And
11:21what's
11:22that
11:22A
11:22bloke
11:23with
11:23big
11:23knockers
11:32Look at
11:32it
11:32all
11:33Bloom
11:34Muck
11:36Desolation
11:37Ugliness
11:38Aye
11:40Bloody
11:41marvellous
11:41isn't
11:42it
11:42Champion
11:44You reckon
11:45heaven
11:46will be
11:46like
11:46this
11:46less
11:48Certainly
11:49Thank
11:50God
11:50for
11:50that
11:51Couldn't
11:52stand
11:52it
11:52if
11:52it
11:53were
11:53beautiful
11:54Anyone
11:55want
11:55a check
11:56Got
11:56any
11:57vinegar
11:57on
11:57them
11:57Of course
11:58there is
11:59So on
11:59then
11:59Tusses
12:00one
12:00over
12:04She's
12:04got
12:05a half
12:05like
12:05Freddie
12:06Truman
12:07She
12:08knows
12:08her
12:08onions
12:09as
12:09regards
12:09the
12:10vinegar
12:11You
12:11got
12:11any
12:12cheese
12:12and
12:12onion
12:12pie
12:13over
12:13there
12:13love
12:18What
12:19an action
12:20she's
12:20got
12:20it
12:20Oh
12:21hips
12:22and
12:22chest
12:22I
12:23can
12:23just
12:24imagine
12:24her
12:24opening
12:25and
12:25balling
12:25against
12:26hosses
12:26on
12:26an
12:26overcast
12:27morning
12:27at
12:28old
12:28trappard
12:28She'd
12:29have
12:29her
12:30cheese
12:30and
12:30onion
12:30pie
12:31swinging
12:31all
12:32over
12:32place
12:33How's
12:34the wedding
12:34going
12:35Carter?
12:36All right
12:37I'll let
12:38let you
12:38have a feel
12:38of her
12:38bottom
12:39drawer
12:39shirt
12:39Give
12:40over
12:42Do you
12:43want to
12:43hold hands
12:44Carter?
12:46Do you
12:47want to
12:47walk
12:48hand in
12:48hand
12:48with me
12:49until
12:49muck
12:49his sunset?
12:52Go on
12:53lad
12:54We'll
12:54not split
12:55on you
13:12now that's the way to hold hands with a woman
13:14on either side of the canal
13:16with 15 feet of mucky water between you
13:32You mug
13:33Carter
13:34You chump
13:35What an opportunity you missed
13:37If you'd have played your cards right
13:39you could have had that chip
13:46It's not exactly a perfect day for it
13:48Les
13:49The perfect weather conditions to meet your son's future mother-in-law
13:53should be damp
13:54dull
13:56overcast
13:56and humid
13:59I'll never forget weather
14:01day I met my mother-in-law for the first time
14:05Gale force winds
14:08and sleet from the northeast
14:12Sank a dredger in Liverpool Bay
14:16Did it be good?
14:17Right
14:18All hands lost
14:22Right
14:23I wish I'd been on it
14:27What's Pat's mother like, Carter?
14:29How would you describe her?
14:31In polite language, of course
14:32Don't bother, lad
14:33She'll be like all other women
14:35Sharp fingernails
14:37hairy legs
14:37and too many bloody relations
14:41She doesn't knit fair-high pullovers, does she?
14:44I don't know
14:44Well, you'd best find out, lad
14:46You can't bring another knitter into the family
14:48It's against the laws of nature, is that?
14:50What laws of nature?
14:51The law of nature that says in every family
14:53you'll find one of the following
14:54A boozer
14:55A gungy cousin in Oil Lake
14:58Or a woman that knits fair-high pullovers
15:02Which is the role your mother plays in this family
15:04Look at this one she's knit me
15:06It's a disgraced-up profession
15:09It's too small, I can't stand up proper
15:12Given me duck's disease
15:15Here's me front, me backside's coming later
15:18That's why we can't have more than one litter in family
15:20We'd all be sent to an early grave
15:22with curvature of the spine
15:23Laid out on hillside like a row of inverted commas
15:29Still
15:31There's a lot to be said for death
15:34I'll bet it's not half as boring as life
15:38Oh, well, come on then
15:39Let's be going
15:40Sooner we get there
15:41Sooner it'll be over
15:47Come on, Annie
15:48What are you doing up there?
15:50From the time it takes your mother to get ready
15:52I could re-lag the cockloft
15:55Why she bothers is beyond me
15:56I mean, she's no oil painting, is she?
15:58None of us is in our family, lad
16:00If we was hung for as good looks
16:02we'd all die innocent
16:05Here she comes
16:13Well
16:20Well
16:22Well what?
16:23I'll do a look
16:24All right
16:25All right?
16:27Is that all you can say?
16:28All right?
16:29Look at me
16:31Don't you notice nothing about me?
16:33You're not wearing my string vest, are you?
16:37You're wearing a new twin set?
16:39I can tell you didn't knit it yourself
16:40Oh
16:41It fits you too well
16:42As it happens, it doesn't
16:43It's got duff armpits
16:45That's why I got it reduced 50p at Francine's Fashions, Pontefract Road
16:50I hope Pat's mother doesn't notice
16:52Is she a very observant person, Carter?
16:55She can't be
16:56Or she wouldn't let her daughter marry him
16:59There's a thing to say about your own son
17:02I think he's a marvellous catch for a girl
17:05There's not many young men of his age
17:07She'll have got the Meccano set intact
17:09I'll tell you
17:11Then shift yourself
17:12Go on
17:13We don't want to be late
17:14We don't want to have boiled ham curling up on plates
17:17Do we?
17:18Go on
17:18You see what I mean, Carter?
17:21The crafty devils is women
17:23They never knit up for the sins
17:24They save it all up
17:25And inflict it on us men
17:27Look at me
17:28Classic case of duck's disease
17:31Come September
17:33I'll be full malt
17:34And you'll be feeding me on sage and onion stuffing
17:36Come on
17:48Come on
18:04Right then
18:04Carter
18:05Which is the house?
18:07The one with twitching curtains
18:09The little twitching
18:11Well, those is the one that's twitching most
18:14Curtain twitching
18:15Might have known it
18:17All of them in the curtain twitches
18:19That's why they won't have them as lighthouse keepers
18:24Put two women in charge of any stone light
18:26What's the first thing they're going to do?
18:28I don't know
18:29What?
18:30Bung lace curtains in front of them
18:32Spent all night twitching them to see who's coming
18:34Come daylight
18:35Half the world's mercantile marine
18:38Will be wrecked on the rocks below
18:41Oh, you do talk empty, our mort
18:43Come on
18:44Let's be having you
18:47Don't straggle
18:48Look as though you meant it
18:50Look as though you meant it
18:51Look as though you meant it
18:51Look as though you meant it
19:04How do you do?
19:05You're very welcome
19:06You're only eight and a half minutes late
19:09You're not being a nuisance
19:11I'd have had to get tea regardless
19:14Oh, come on you men
19:15Don't be backward in coming forward
19:17Oh, and see, would you wipe those dog's ears off before you come in?
19:21You see, Mrs Brandon
19:22I'm very allergic to allergies, I am
19:24That's why we have to have the cockatoo put down
19:26For soul
19:27He had some very amusing ways with his cuttlefish bone, did Cocky?
19:31Isn't it funny?
19:32Isn't it funny the way birds have feathers?
19:36Well, if you don't need to make a meal of it, come in
19:40I'll not bite you
19:41Even though I've got all my old teeth out
19:50So, you're Carter's mummy, are you, Mrs Brandon?
19:53I know he's told me so much about you
19:55Isn't it funny how you can't get your Christmas cake to rise?
20:00I like your twin set, is he bought?
20:03Oh, isn't it a pity about the armpits?
20:06And who's this one, squawking in the shadows?
20:09Is that your daddy, Carter?
20:11Yes
20:11Oh, who does he look like?
20:14I'll give you three guesses
20:15You're wrong
20:16And who's this old gentleman
20:18With the bloodshot eyes and the florid complex?
20:21I'm his Uncle Mort
20:22Oh, well, I should make the most of it, love
20:25You don't look long for this world to me
20:27You're not a heavy drinker, are you?
20:29You are, I can see by your nose
20:31Now, you won't let that dewdrop drop on my new car
20:37Now then, before we settle down, does anyone want to go to the toilets?
20:42Sleep now or forever hold your peace
20:44You know
20:46It's not a word you're soon pleased, are you?
20:48Well, come on into the lounge then
20:51You're not being a nuisance
20:53I'd have had to you, Bank, regardless
20:57Pat, love!
21:00Pat!
21:02Pat!
21:03Come on, love!
21:05Come on, Pat, your visitors have arrived
21:08Honestly, Mrs. Brandon
21:10Young girls these days, they put more black stuff on their eyes
21:13Than we put black lead on our grates
21:15Aren't I right?
21:16I am
21:16Now, Mr. Brandon
21:18Sit yourself down in that chair yonder
21:21That's where my late husband dropped stone dead last Christmas
21:26Come on
21:29Honestly, Mrs. Brandon, it were typical of him
21:32Spoiling our Christmas day like that
21:34He was sat there, right as rain, peeling a satsuma
21:39And he suddenly gives this funny little burp and he drops forward dead as a doornail
21:44Typical
21:45Couldn't even wait for the Queen to speak
21:49And as I said to our Pat, what a waste of a satsuma
21:53Well, I mean, with the price of citrus fruits these days, every penny counts, doesn't it?
21:58Well, come on you, sit yourself down
22:04Hasn't he got grumpy features, Mrs. Brandon?
22:07Do you think his blood's too rich?
22:11Pat!
22:12What are you doing up there?
22:15Carter's busting his boilers down here to meet you
22:19Aren't you busting your boilers, Carter?
22:21Yes
22:21Oh, bless him
22:23He's a royal credit to you, Mrs. Brandon
22:27Hasn't he got lovely half-moons to his fingernails?
22:31Well, I'm just going to put the kettle on
22:33You needn't make yourselves too comfy
22:35Because you'll not be stopping long, will you?
22:39Ah, what are you doing up there?
22:42You've not got time to the bottle, are you?
22:45Ye gods
22:48Bloody hell
22:51Oh, Eck, Carter
22:53Why didn't you warn us, I don't
22:55Why didn't you?
22:56Well, what are you playing at, sat there doing nothing?
22:59Pat's been in the kitchen these past five minutes
23:01Taking the lumps out of the custard
23:03Well, come on, get on your hind legs and show willing
23:07Tease all ready, you'll not be a nuisance if you promise not to linger
23:11Now, come on, you men, get on your feet
23:24If all they had been stood here
23:26Ten seconds ago
23:31What?
23:35Right, has everyone finished?
23:37Has everyone had enough?
23:39God, then we can start siding the things away
23:43Hold on, hold on, I've not finished yet
23:45I beg your pardon?
23:46Like another slice of bread to dunk in me pears and custard
23:51Another slice of bread? Good gracious me
23:53Don't you know there's a famine at the other end of the world?
23:56There's a bloody famine at the other end of your table, Mrs Anne
23:59No, they haven't
24:01Shut up
24:02Oh, aren't men argumentative, Mrs Brandon?
24:05Oh, I don't know, Mrs Partington
24:08I've never made a murmur when I arranged our second honeymoon
24:11Second honeymoon?
24:13Mr and Mrs Brandon are celebrating the silver wedding mother
24:16They're going on a second honeymoon to Douglas Isle of Man
24:20Isn't it romantic?
24:22Second honeymoon?
24:24Well, I never
24:26I'd have thought that was a complete waste of time myself
24:28What are you inferring by that?
24:30Well, I think all honeymoons are a waste of time, Mrs Brandon
24:32I know mine was
24:33My late husband went down with German measles on the second night
24:37Lucky Devil
24:37I beg your pardon?
24:38No, I... pardon?
24:41I said to our Pat
24:43Never mind, honeymoons
24:44You want to stop at home and save the money?
24:46The money doesn't matter, Mother
24:48It's the romance
24:50Romance
24:51A honeymoon is just an excuse for unbridled lust and passion
24:56Oh, you were a devil for unbridled lust and passion for my late husband, Mrs Brandon
25:01Two halibut oil capsules and there was no holding in
25:04Oh, what a rigmarole to go through just to get pregnant
25:10All toenails and bad breath
25:13I used to make out imaginary shopping lists while it was going on
25:18I must have bought up half the co-op wholesale warehouse before Pat was conceived
25:24Well, if we're finished, the men can get out from under our feet and us women will do the washing
25:28up
25:29You can take the sink, Mrs Brandon
25:31I mean to say, it doesn't matter too much if that twin sick gets all splashed and stained, does it?
25:36Come on, you, shift yourself
25:39Oh, now, before you leave, does anyone want a laxative?
25:43No?
25:45You must burn yourself, please, don't you?
25:48Now, don't make yourself too comfy in the lounge, because you'll be going home as soon as we've done the
25:52washing up
25:59Ye gods
26:01It's truth
26:04Aye, well
26:06Hmm
26:07Yak, yak, yak, yak
26:10No wonder the cockatoo died
26:13I couldn't stand the competition
26:17Yeah
26:18Well, I've heard note like it, and I served all through First World War
26:24I crouched into trenches as the big guns roared all round us on the Somme
26:29I heard the scream and chatter of German machine guns at Mons
26:35But never, oh, never have I heard a noise that struck such terror in my heart as that woman's voice
26:44On, and on, and on
26:46She must have been vaccinated with a bloody gramophone ring
26:52If we'd had that voice on our side in 1914, we'd all have been home by Christmas
27:00Kaiser would have thrown in the towel and the whole history of Europe would have been rewrote
27:06We wouldn't have had none of this progress
27:09We'd still have had trams running down High Street
27:12You'd still have had the blue ribbon of the Atlantic
27:15You'd still have been able to get a good dollop of ore smoke for your rhubarb
27:21There'd be no jet planes
27:23No telephones
27:24No income tax
27:27No Eddie Wearing
27:30No Petulia Clark
27:33Aye heck, she's got a lot to answer for us, Pat's mother
27:36Still never mind, Carter
27:37There's no need to look so glum
27:39No? Why?
27:40Well, wedding'll never go through now
27:43Pardon?
27:44Your mother's just been outgunned by Mrs Partington
27:47I've never seen her struck so speechless
27:50Last time she never said a word for five minutes was, er
27:54It was in the summer of 1949 at Morecambe
27:57When she got half a mackerel stuck down her throat
28:01Women don't like being outgunned, Carter
28:03Particularly when it comes to yakking
28:05She'll not stand for a better yakker in the family
28:07No, she'll be out there now making all arrangements to cancel the wedding
28:11In ten minutes' time, lad, you'll be a free man again
28:14You'll be down at the boozer with a pint of health week's best bitter in one hand
28:17And Uncle Linda Preston, eh?
28:19All that
28:21Right then, it's all settled
28:22Mr Martin, it's all off, is it?
28:24Going down to the boozer, are we?
28:26I beg your pardon, what are you talking about?
28:28What you've settled? The rewriting of the old history of Europe
28:31I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about my friendship with Mrs Partington
28:36Friendship?
28:36Yeah, that's what I've settled, oh, we're gonna be such good friends, Les
28:39I know she talks a lot, but once I get used to her tactics, I'll more than hold me on
28:43I thought you didn't like her
28:45Whatever gave you that idea, Mort?
28:47All women like each other deep down
28:49When they find that they've got something in common
28:52What have you got in common with her?
28:54Knitting
28:54Knitting?
28:56Fair our pullovers
28:58Dear God
29:00We've decided to abandon Teddy for this evening
29:02So you can just settle yourselves down for the evening
29:05And start picking out the pullovers that we're going to knit for you
29:08And after you've done that, you can help us wind some more
29:11And after that, we'll have a hand of whist
29:13There's no need for you to settle yourself down, Carter
29:16You're going to go with Pat and have supper with her Auntie Hilda
29:19Oh, has Pat got Auntie Hilda?
29:20My sister, Mrs Brandon
29:22Lovely soul
29:24She's just got one fault
29:25Oh, what's that, Mrs Patenton?
29:28She talks too much
29:30You know, when I'm with her, I can't get a word in this way
29:34Excuse me?
29:34I simply can't get a word in this way
29:36Excuse me?
29:36Yes
29:38Have you got a pattern for a shroud, is there?
29:40LAUGHTER
29:41LAUGHTER
29:45APPLAUSE
29:49APPLAUSE
29:54APPLAUSE
30:07MUSIC
30:08MUSIC
30:25You
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