- 10 minutes ago
First broadcast 16th January 2009.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Sean Lock
Johnny Vegas
Pam Ayres
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Sean Lock
Johnny Vegas
Pam Ayres
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Whoa!
00:03Good evening, good evening.
00:06And welcome to QI where tonight the crowd is baying,
00:10the adrenaline's pumping, and we're ready for fight or flight.
00:14In the red corner we have
00:17Shaun Fistoflorylock and gentleman Johnny Vegas!
00:26And in the blue corner
00:29Pam Float Like A B Ayers and Adam Sting Like A Butterfly Davies
00:39Fabulous. So on your flights of fancy tonight, you may want to buzz somebody so far away. Pam goes...
00:48Oh, wow. It's like a machine gun.
00:51Do you know, I think it actually is a machine gun.
00:54And Johnny goes...
01:01Oh, with full bodies.
01:02I think I should lean.
01:03It's all over me!
01:08And Sean goes...
01:13Pumping.
01:14And Alan goes...
01:25And so we plummet straight into our first topic, which is free fall parachuting. We've got some film for you.
01:31Pay close attention.
01:34So what happens next?
01:36That's the question.
01:38I was about to pull the ripcord and what will happen?
01:41That area around my groin, it went sort of a yellow colour.
01:45Yeah.
01:47Alan, I can understand one exciting thing at a time, but why do free falling and sodomy at the same
01:53time?
01:53It seems...
01:54You know, why not...
01:55Why not just do one and then the other?
01:57In such a reasonable price.
02:01Was it literally all in?
02:03But in fact, what is the thing that happens after the ripcord is pulled?
02:07I did a parachute jump.
02:08I know, well you did a static one, didn't you I believe.
02:10I did a static line one. I just want to put this in so that you know I'm a woman
02:14of some substance.
02:16I did one on my own, where the bloke hits you on the shoulder and says, go!
02:21And as you go, the string becomes tall and pulls off the bag and the parachute opens.
02:26That's very much...
02:27This is what you hope happens.
02:29And did it?
02:30Yes.
02:32I believe, I believe that you, as it happens obviously like Alan, felt some erotic feelings towards your instructor, is
02:40that correct?
02:40I did. I took a shine to the instructor.
02:42I think that's why I jumped out the aircraft really, because I wanted to impress him.
02:46I often do that. If I like a woman, I jump out the window.
02:52Just to show my...
02:53Are you impressed?
02:56I dig chicks in flats!
03:00No, what of course we wanted you to say, which you're not stupid enough to say, but I have to
03:05confess,
03:05this is really because I, as a child, was convinced.
03:08Because every time I'd seen...
03:09Oh, whether you shoot upwards...
03:10Yeah, that when you open the parachute, the guy goes upwards.
03:14And of course, I've subsequently learned that it's because the cameraman who's showing it is still in freefall,
03:21so relative to him, it looks as if you're going up.
03:24Oh, I see.
03:24Look, we can see it.
03:25There he goes!
03:26It looks so much as if you're just shooting upwards.
03:29Yeah.
03:29It's the most lovely feeling when the canopy opens, because you can see everything, and you've got your toggles, and
03:34you can gently...
03:35How many also, you know you're not going to die?
03:38Yeah.
03:39That was a key moment for me.
03:41Now, the euphoria when it opens.
03:43How high up?
03:45How high up?
03:46How high up?
03:46Where are you, if I can ask?
03:47Oh, it's 12,000 feet.
03:4812,000?
03:49Mm.
03:49That's pretty high.
03:50I mean, that's what...
03:51Yeah, that's 45 seconds of freefall.
03:52Two and a half miles.
03:53Do you want to know what the world record is?
03:55Do you know, in fact?
03:56Can you guess what the world record is?
03:57Well, someone went nearly to space, didn't they, and jumped out?
03:59Almost, yeah.
04:00Which is, in fact, 32,000 meters, which is something...
04:05I don't know, 18 miles up?
04:07Something like that?
04:07Don't you freeze, or your eardrums go, or something?
04:10Well, I can imagine if you had flappy cuffs, it would be very noisy on the way down, because
04:14he actually went...
04:16Who'd be, what was it?
04:18Adamant?
04:21He went as a pirate.
04:23He achieved...
04:24I'm a dandy highwayman.
04:27Well, he achieved a speed of 640 miles.
04:30Gosh!
04:31Which is pretty scary, but he said he was gorgeous.
04:33He said it's as if he'd remained stationary in the balloon and shot upwards, so it was rather
04:37that affair.
04:38Now, why did Shorty Longbottom have a pink spitfire?
04:45Who...
04:45Ooh, um...
04:46It was puffed.
04:50It was...
04:51Say again.
04:51Puffed.
04:52Puffed.
04:52It was puffed out, yes.
04:54It was exhausted from its exertions...
04:57Oh, I see.
04:59Thank God for that.
05:01I was worried for a moment that we'd strayed into territory that just wasn't quite right
05:05something.
05:07No.
05:08Actually, it was a pretty new one.
05:09It was a very light one.
05:10It was a very special one.
05:12Did he check hen-do's out on a weekend?
05:17You know when the war slowed down?
05:19Yeah.
05:20It got dull.
05:20Some lass with an old plate on.
05:22Did he get her in the back and check her out town?
05:25What were the female members of the RAF...
05:28What were they called?
05:28Wrens.
05:30Wafts.
05:30Wafts.
05:31And how would you know that?
05:32Because I was one.
05:34Oh, we seem to be in your territory again.
05:36I was one, yes.
05:36Yeah, well I joined the Women's Royal Air Force and I went to Singapore and Germany and
05:40I had a very nice time.
05:42Excellent.
05:43That's very good to know.
05:44You should do recruiting.
05:45You should.
05:47Quite a lovely time.
05:48Actually, I've always been looking for the recruiting sergeant with the bread knife,
05:51as a matter of fact.
05:52Because he said to me, what do you like doing?
05:55And I said, drawing.
05:56And he put me in a drawing office.
05:58You know, which was all maths and technical drawing and that.
06:01And I couldn't do it.
06:02What a bad man.
06:03Yeah, it was a bad man.
06:04Evil.
06:05Evil.
06:05They didn't answer me at school.
06:07They said, what do you want to do?
06:08I said maths.
06:08They put me in a maths class.
06:11No.
06:11I mean, can you believe that?
06:13That's not good enough.
06:14And I was obviously built for dancing.
06:18Just outrageous.
06:22What's your drawing anything to do with aerial photographs?
06:25That sort of thing.
06:26Yes, that sort of thing.
06:27And I can give you a little bit of inside info here.
06:30Go on.
06:31If you are studying aerial photography and you see a photograph which contains a cricket pitch
06:38and you happen to know the focal length of the camera, you can calculate the scale.
06:43I thought you were going to say cackle at the score then.
06:48Because you know cricket pitch is 22 yards, therefore, but obviously, presumably when the
06:52Spitfire is flying over Germany, the Germans are the kind of utter swine who won't play cricket.
06:58So it was tricky if you didn't have a cricket pitch on the photograph.
07:02Right.
07:03But suppose in the early days of the war you wanted to send an aeroplane over to take photographs.
07:08Some sort of disguise?
07:10Camouflage?
07:10Camouflage is the right answer.
07:12Pink skies or pink?
07:13Yeah.
07:14Actually, they first made it blue and that stood out.
07:17And there it is.
07:18Shorty Longbottoms.
07:19Pink Spitfire.
07:21Well, if it did get spotted when it was taking pictures, wouldn't the other planes just naturally
07:25flirt with it?
07:28You'd think this would be the biggest disadvantage.
07:30The pilots would have abandoned the dogfighting skills and just go, hello.
07:35It came out from the damn busters thing, pregnant.
07:39Well, it certainly shows you've got to love your country to be prepared to go up in one of those.
07:43But when it's a cloudy day, the sky has a sort of pink tone to it.
07:48Pink fairly tone, doesn't it?
07:49Or, alternatively, if you wanted to camouflage your aircraft, you could paint it as a ship.
07:55Yes.
07:57It was at that point that Ayres has asked to leave the rat.
08:02Exactly.
08:04The whole of Germany turned into that blow from the love of the Nardi films.
08:09You're throwing booze away.
08:12Exactly.
08:13Stephen, I must point out, I can't hear anything you said.
08:19You're welcome to stay like that or take it off.
08:22If the show's going well, let me keep talking.
08:26Well, there we are.
08:28Reconnaissance Spitfires were painted pink to match the clouds.
08:30Now, who gives a flying fish?
08:34There they are.
08:35Aren't they amazing?
08:36They're lovely, aren't they?
08:37Beautiful animals.
08:38I was told that flying fish only ever fly alone.
08:40That sounds like a code, Alan.
08:44Flying fish only fly alone.
08:50I've seen them, they fly in shoals.
08:53I was on a scuba diving trip when I met a German, he was adamant.
08:56Well, they only fly alone.
08:58They would fly on their own, wouldn't they?
09:00What do you mean is they don't fly in like a formation, like the Red Devils?
09:04They don't leap out and pass on another like that.
09:07No, they don't do that.
09:08Do you want a French for flying fishes?
09:12Poisson d'air a plane?
09:15It's actually, it's slightly more creepy for those of us of a certain generation.
09:19It's Exocet.
09:20Oh, gosh.
09:21And what do you know of the Exocet?
09:23It's a missile.
09:24It was a missile, yeah.
09:24It was used against us in the Falklands War.
09:27So, do they fly or glide?
09:30Neither.
09:31I've seen, I've seen them and they fly for, sorry Johnny, I'm so excited, I must say this.
09:36They fly for ages.
09:38When I saw them, my first flying fish, I couldn't believe they were really fish.
09:43Because they flew for so long and they weave and they sort of duck and dive like that.
09:48And I thought they cannot possibly be fish because they flew for so long.
09:52They flew for minutes and minutes and minutes and then suddenly they all go plonk and they're gone.
09:57So you know they were really fish.
09:58I don't know what you were eating or drinking on that occasion.
10:02I have it here on pretty solid authority that 30 seconds is a long time and then to stay in
10:07the air in one go.
10:09Which is a long glide, 30 seconds.
10:11It appears that they glide.
10:13But even if they move these pectoral fins that have become their wings, even slightly, then that would count as
10:19flying.
10:20But it seems they seem to be fixed.
10:22Who's going to tell Pam that she probably witnessed a duck?
10:36It wasn't a duck.
10:38Well, I heard what he said. It wasn't a duck.
10:41It was not a duck at all.
10:44No.
10:44Is that what he said?
10:45He meant that.
10:47My sister breeds duck so I know the difference between a duck and a flying fish.
10:54It just looks to me like you keep telling me to F off.
11:00You, duck, duck, fish, fish.
11:05I didn't realise you'd notice.
11:06That kind of language, pal.
11:08I'm glad my ears are cut off.
11:12Apparently the people who most love them are the people of Tao, which is an island off Taiwan, where it's
11:16their staple diet.
11:18Do they taste nice then?
11:20It's hard to catch, I thought.
11:21Well, exactly. Do you use a 12-bore or a nest?
11:25One in each hand.
11:28Well, you just make a little landing strip.
11:32Put some lights on it, you know, some tea candles.
11:35And then just sit there with a stick, wait a minute to go.
11:39You talk it in.
11:40Oh, they've all got grandeur ideas of being jumbo jets.
11:43Yeah.
11:45Here's a supplementary question.
11:47I'm never.
11:47What's the opposite of a flying fish?
11:50Tunneling flamingo.
11:55Is it going to be some sort of bottom-dwelling thing?
11:57What do fish do usually?
11:59Is it a sink in bats?
11:59Fish usually swim.
12:01What usually flies?
12:02Birds.
12:03A swimming bird.
12:04A swimming bird would be...
12:06Come on, that's a point.
12:06There's loads of them.
12:07There's millions of them.
12:07There are loads of them.
12:07But which birds are particularly astonishing?
12:09Chocolate biscuits.
12:10Cormorants.
12:11Chocolate biscuits.
12:12Chocolate biscuits.
12:13Pick upods.
12:15A stalk.
12:18It is indeed a penguin.
12:20And the fact is...
12:21They have their wings, which are now perfect flippers for swimming.
12:25But the fact is, to a scientist, swimming and flying are absolutely no different.
12:30It's the same muscles, the same principles.
12:32That work.
12:33It's just the medium of one is water and the medium of the other is air.
12:35So as far as the penguin's concerned, it's doing what all birds do.
12:38Just doing it in the water.
12:39Stephen, it looks magnificent.
12:41But what's the point of developing that?
12:42and no other birds can see it.
12:46Why would it want other birds to see it?
12:47Well, you're going, it's magnificent.
12:49It's swimming round going, look at this, look what I've done.
12:52And all the other birds going, look at that fucking idiot.
12:57We're the only creatures, Johnny, that like to show off, I think.
13:01I don't think animals like to show off, do they?
13:03Apart from peacocks and quite a few others, come to think of it now.
13:08All of them, and the ones with the spies and the pawns, yeah.
13:11So, from flying fish to the fishing fly, ho, ho.
13:17Why do women make the best fishermen?
13:22They're all descended from mermaids.
13:28It's a very sweet voice.
13:30I don't know that that's true.
13:32Imagine you whispering that into a girl's ear.
13:36And in 1654, they negotiated a deal with the octopus witch
13:41to let them also have the voices back to you.
13:46I'm still asleep.
13:49I need to write this down.
13:53If I can teach my kids this.
13:55It must be.
13:56This is what?
14:00It was a massive summit.
14:02It was.
14:04You might be right, Johnny.
14:05I'm not sure.
14:06It was like, I'll check.
14:07It was like rivers of blood speech, because, uh, a lot of mackerel were told to fuck off.
14:11I'm sure.
14:12What?
14:13I see that now.
14:14Okay.
14:16Okay.
14:16I think I actually know this.
14:18Yes, go on.
14:19Tell, tell.
14:21I didn't know a bloke.
14:22He used to get his wife to give him a discarded pubic hair,
14:26because there was a chemical in it,
14:28and he used to hair rig his boilies for ship of a car,
14:31because they think that it gives off.
14:33You're absolutely right.
14:34This is what people think.
14:35No.
14:40You're right.
14:42He called him a pervert for years.
14:44You're right that this is what people think.
14:46As it happens, it is completely untrue.
14:51Someone wrote a letter to the field in which they,
14:54he said he'd had huge success using his wife's pubic hairs,
14:57and the whole generation of fishermen copied this,
15:00and there was a belief that pheromones,
15:02which are probably the chemicals you were after,
15:04pheromones that women give off.
15:06But there are a number of problems with this,
15:07chief of which is that there is absolutely no evidence
15:09that humans give off pheromones of any kind.
15:12So why are women?
15:14The fact is, the British record for the largest fish caught
15:18on these islands is held by women.
15:20There was a 64-pound salmon caught by Miss Georgina Ballantyne.
15:25But the fact is, she was a very experienced angler.
15:28Why does she think it's a saxophone?
15:32I will be in a relationship.
15:35Oh, dear God, throw me back.
15:36In fact, there was a 66-pound catfish caught at Andal
15:45by another woman, Bev Street.
15:46The point is that if men had caught these enormous fish,
15:49no one would be groping around for reasons
15:52as to why men were such good fishermen.
15:54The fact that women happen to hold the record
15:55is everyone suddenly going,
15:56well, there must be some explanation for that.
15:58It can't be because they're good at fishing.
16:00It must be because they give off a chemical.
16:02Because they don't use a crack at the fish.
16:04Oh, they're right.
16:05Yeah.
16:05Well, there you have it anyway.
16:07Fantastic.
16:07Now, when lions fight bears, which one wins?
16:13Sorry about our picture.
16:15Yes, John.
16:16Which one's up the stellar?
16:18LAUGHTER
16:22Let's leave your sponsor out of it, if we can, John.
16:25To a customer name, will they never meet
16:27because they're on different continents or something?
16:28Well, they wouldn't naturally meet,
16:29but as it happens, they have met.
16:31It's been organised.
16:33A very sick human...
16:33It's been organised!
16:35In a car!
16:37Well, kind of in a car back in California
16:39by, I'm afraid, it was during the...
16:40I'd back a lion.
16:42I'd go lion.
16:42You'd go with a lion, would you?
16:44No, no.
16:46It is the bear every time.
16:49Really?
16:49The skull of the lion is pretty thin
16:51and although it's muscular,
16:52it has no real bone strength
16:54in the way that a bear does.
16:55And a bear can just crush the skull of a lion like that
16:57and the lion never gets a chance to get in there
16:59and do its thing on the neck.
17:01And the bear would win every time.
17:03It was during the gold rush,
17:04the Californians, to entertain the prospectors
17:07and the miners,
17:08started with bears against various other animals.
17:11Against a bull, for example.
17:12Oh, yeah, horrible.
17:13It's so cruel and unpleasant.
17:14And people got bored with the bear always winning
17:16so they shipped in African lions
17:18and the lions put on a brave show to start with
17:21and everyone thought that the noise they made,
17:22they're bound to win
17:23and they roared in there
17:24but the bear was just too much...
17:26Every time it just banged on.
17:27Poor old lion.
17:28Crushed its skull.
17:29Talking of these match-offs,
17:30I mean, the bear and the lion is just sick
17:32and unpleasant
17:32and I'm sorry that it never happened
17:33but people obviously imagine various ones.
17:36Muhammad Ali versus Bruce Lee
17:38is one that's imagined a lot.
17:39Who do you think would win in such a face-off?
17:42I think for speed and agility,
17:44I'd go with Lee.
17:45Again, you see,
17:46most people would consider you hugely wrong.
17:49As far as speed, no.
17:50Boxer speed, especially Ali's,
17:53infinitely faster than any kicks or moves
17:55that Lee could make.
17:57Are you suggesting that in those films
17:58his prowess was exaggerated?
18:00I'm afraid it was speeded up
18:02and I don't want to upset any martial arts fans here
18:05but Ali was 6 foot 3 and 236 pounds.
18:08Lee was 5 foot 7 and 135 pounds
18:11which was a big disadvantage.
18:12The kicks used by Lee
18:13are nothing like as fast as the punches
18:14that Ali was used to.
18:16The fact that they appeared so fast
18:18in Lee's films was cinematic, really.
18:19And also, punches come in flurries
18:21and the kicks are kind of one every, you know...
18:24My dad was a boxer.
18:25Was he?
18:26Yeah.
18:26Mine was an Irish setter.
18:30Anyway, um...
18:31Sorry.
18:33Was he really?
18:35Very superstitious man he was.
18:37He had this horse shoe
18:38that he took everywhere with him.
18:40Yes.
18:41And he kept in a boxing glove.
18:45You must have known, my dad.
18:48That was that fire, though.
18:49That would break your hand, wouldn't it?
18:51You feel it.
18:51Well, in fact, let's come to a question
18:53almost on that very subject
18:54because it's quite interesting.
18:55Name something that's much easier to do
18:57when you're wearing boxing gloves.
19:00Frisk a porcupine.
19:02Very good.
19:04Keep on masturbating.
19:09I...
19:09Keep on smoking.
19:11Yes.
19:12But I suppose what I was coming to
19:14is what's so bizarre about boxing gloves,
19:16in a way,
19:16is that what it really makes it easy to do
19:19is for you to kill someone.
19:20Yeah.
19:21It's a lot easier to kill people
19:22wearing boxing gloves
19:23than it was ever in the bare-knuckle days.
19:25Why?
19:25In the bare-knuckle days,
19:26almost no-one ever died.
19:27There are two recorded instances,
19:28150 years of bare-knuckle prize-fighting.
19:32I like the shorts.
19:34They're pretty splendid, aren't they?
19:36You can't hit someone as hard, can you?
19:38Repeatedly.
19:39Well, the thing is,
19:40if you try and hit someone on the jaw,
19:41you break your own fist.
19:43And so, in the old bare-knuckle days,
19:44people punched against the chest
19:46and the stomach
19:47and the arms and everything else,
19:48but they avoided that
19:48because the chin,
19:49they would hurt themselves.
19:50As soon as you put gloves on,
19:51they were battering each other in the face.
19:53And suddenly,
19:54I mean,
19:54four people a year die in America alone
19:57from boxing injuries.
19:58I mean,
19:58it's a very dangerous sport indeed.
20:00But in the bare-knuckle days,
20:01which we think of,
20:02which had no time limits to their rounds,
20:05people would survive and walk away.
20:08Do you know who those two were,
20:09incidentally?
20:09One's called Jack,
20:11I'm sure of it.
20:11Oh, you're absolutely right.
20:13The one on the right
20:14is called Arthur John Jack Johnson.
20:17How did you know that?
20:18Is it written up there?
20:19There was always one called Jack.
20:20You're right.
20:22Well, the other one
20:22is called James Jackson's Jefferies.
20:24They're all J's.
20:26What happened was that
20:26the one on the left
20:27was a world champion
20:28many times,
20:29undefeated seven times.
20:31Those shorts have been photoshopped on.
20:33I think you may be right.
20:34You did it in the nude.
20:35And it's a rather unpleasant story,
20:38but it has a good ending in a way.
20:39It's that he retired
20:41and the guy on the right,
20:42who was known as the Galveston giant,
20:44Jack Johnson,
20:45became world champion.
20:47And of course,
20:48the racist world of America
20:50didn't like the fact
20:51that this was the first black champion.
20:53And of all people,
20:55the author of White Fang,
20:57Jack London, the novelist,
20:59coined the phrase
21:00Great White Hope.
21:01And in fact,
21:02they brought the man on the left
21:03out of retirement
21:04who said,
21:05I'm only doing it
21:05to prove
21:06that a white man
21:07will always be better
21:08than a black man.
21:09And he'd be pleased to know
21:09he was pounded in the ring
21:11and lost.
21:12Yeah, about the white man.
21:13Yeah, exactly.
21:15So it took place
21:16in July the 4th, 1910.
21:19And Johnson,
21:19on the right there,
21:20went on to open
21:21a nightclub in Harlem
21:22which he sold to
21:22an Irishman who changed its...
21:24July the 4th,
21:25so it was a big...
21:25Oh, it was really big.
21:27Oh, it was huge.
21:28There's a film about it.
21:28Boxing has always been huge.
21:29There's a famous film about it.
21:30Yeah.
21:31And he was accused of rape
21:32because he slept with a white...
21:33He married a white woman.
21:34in a state
21:35and they travelled
21:36to a state
21:36where you weren't allowed
21:37to have union
21:39with the white woman.
21:40So the rest of him.
21:40Yeah.
21:41The land of the free.
21:42I know.
21:43Well,
21:44we have a pretty grim record
21:45ourselves, of course,
21:46I suppose.
21:47How dare you?
21:47Well, no, I...
21:50You can sleep with anyone you like.
21:53Take a pick.
21:56No, boxing gloves.
21:57Boxing gloves allow you
21:59to hurt your opponent more.
22:00The introduction of boxing gloves
22:01made boxing a far more dangerous sport
22:03than bare-knuckle fighting ever was.
22:04In the words of the British boxer
22:06and former world middleweight champion
22:07Alan Minter,
22:08Sure, there have been injuries
22:10and deaths in boxing
22:11but none of them serious.
22:13Now,
22:14to something a bit nicer.
22:15I am a fluffy little duckling
22:17and you want to take me
22:18to the cinema,
22:19all right?
22:20And if I go to the cinema with you,
22:23which part of the following film
22:24is the scary bit?
22:26Well,
22:26there are two
22:26little moments in it.
22:29There's scene one.
22:30That's scene one.
22:34And there's scene two.
22:41There you are.
22:48Which bit would a little fluffy duckling
22:50like me be scared of?
22:51So is this to do with birds of prey,
22:54predator birds,
22:55and then one way...
22:56It's to do with the fact that ducklings,
22:58even newly hatched ducklings,
22:59have an instinct of fear
23:01for a particular shape.
23:03Basically,
23:04the one that's going left to right,
23:05there,
23:06it would be scared stiff of that.
23:07Why does it look like a hawk?
23:09But that
23:10looks like a goose going
23:12right to left.
23:12I see.
23:13Right, right, right.
23:14You see what you mean?
23:14Oh, I see.
23:15And it knows that
23:16from the moment it's hatched.
23:17And goose is like a family.
23:19Yeah?
23:19Goose and five,
23:20well, they don't attack.
23:21They are.
23:21They're poultry.
23:22They don't savage young ducklings.
23:24My brother-in-law's got a gander.
23:26Your family
23:27is quite similar.
23:31Your brother-in-law
23:32has got a gander.
23:33It's got a gander
23:34and it's got a very,
23:35very nasty disposition.
23:37And when my brother-in-law
23:38approaches it,
23:39he has to approach it
23:40while brandishing a dustbin lid
23:41to protect himself.
23:43Geese are pretty savage animals.
23:45Yeah, it's very nasty.
23:47They can be.
23:47They can be.
23:48So who'd win between those two?
23:50I fear the hawk would probably get the better.
23:52I fear it would.
23:52Because mind you,
23:52a lot of geese can frighten off
23:54just about anything.
23:55Yeah,
23:55I've seen a swan chasing a goose
23:57and that was fantastic.
23:59That was in Glissau Park
24:01in North London
24:01and then suddenly
24:02there was a bit of commotion.
24:04Only a couple of swans.
24:05There was quite a lot of geese
24:05and then it kicked off
24:07and then they took off the geese
24:09but they were so frightened
24:10they didn't really get very high.
24:12So they were kind of coming
24:12about head height
24:14through the park
24:15scattering families
24:17and then once you got ducked from them
24:19then this really livid swan
24:22and then after them
24:23part in your head
24:24like ahhh!
24:28I don't know what they've done.
24:30It doesn't take much
24:30for the swan, does it?
24:32It doesn't take much
24:32for the swan.
24:34They are very touchy.
24:35The fear of hawks
24:37in newly hatched ducklings
24:38appears to be innate.
24:39Now,
24:39what would you do
24:40with five dozen French balloons?
24:43Pop them.
24:44Pop them.
24:44That's a good answer.
24:45Yeah, they're big balloons.
24:46Big balloons.
24:47If I give you the date, 1871
24:49does that help you out?
24:50What happened to Paris
24:51in the Franco-Prussian War
24:52in 1871?
24:53Well, there was a siege
24:53and they had to eat
24:54everything in the zoo.
24:55Yeah, absolutely.
24:56Oh, yes.
24:56Absolutely right.
24:57There was a terrible siege.
24:57I can feel points out there.
24:58Very good.
24:59Definitely points.
25:00Actually, while you're
25:01on the subject of that
25:01I think I even have the menu.
25:03What, printed on a napkin?
25:04Yeah, well this was
25:06they had all the animals
25:07including the two elephants
25:08Castor and Pollux.
25:10There you are.
25:11Plum pudding, a rum
25:12and the moelle
25:12that's the marrow of a horse.
25:15Gigaud, a dog.
25:16Dog flanks.
25:17They still made it sound fancy.
25:19Yeah, don't they?
25:20Shoulder and fillets
25:21of braised dog.
25:23Weird thing is
25:24all tasted like chicken.
25:27And salamis of rat.
25:28They were under siege
25:29in the printed menus.
25:31Well, because although
25:32they were received
25:32they were still rich people
25:34who were prepared to pay
25:34and I guess the fancy hotels
25:36that had their sauces
25:37and their techniques
25:38just changed from using...
25:39What, because I was with
25:40a wife going,
25:40you know what,
25:41let's shut the bistro
25:42open up the zoo.
25:44We're in the Dragon's Den.
25:46Going, look,
25:46we've got this idea.
25:47What?
25:50Elephant stew.
25:52I don't know.
25:53Your business is
25:54relying on a...
25:56on a siege.
25:57Well,
25:58so do they try
26:00and break the siege
26:01with flying balloons in?
26:03Well, no.
26:04What they do
26:04is fly balloons out
26:05with mail.
26:06Please send herbs
26:07and spices
26:08and spices
26:08this dog.
26:14They probably did
26:15because unbelievably
26:16what would happen...
26:16They'd send these balloons out
26:18and they would go
26:19to certain central bases
26:20outside France
26:21which were still
26:21controlled by the French
26:22and these letters
26:23would go at...
26:24And, extraordinarily,
26:26they had mastered
26:27microfilm by this time.
26:281871.
26:29I don't quite know
26:29how you'd believe...
26:30But they were able
26:31to ring little pigeons
26:33and send the pigeons
26:35in with these
26:35microfilmed letters
26:37and over a million
26:39pieces of personal
26:40correspondence
26:40got into Paris
26:42that way
26:42through ballooning
26:43them out.
26:44And they made
26:44the cracking starters.
26:45Exactly.
26:46And although
26:47the Germans had...
26:48Dinner's here
26:49and a message.
26:52Poor pigeon,
26:53it's true.
26:54If you were a pigeon,
26:56wouldn't you
26:56change the message
26:57to,
26:58whatever you do,
26:58don't eat the pigeon?
27:01That would be
27:01the smart move.
27:02We've tattooed
27:03the plans
27:03on the inside
27:04of his kidney.
27:05Make him live
27:05a natural life.
27:06That's who you
27:07look like,
27:07though,
27:08the pigeon
27:08in the wacky races.
27:11That's it.
27:14Not the pigeon.
27:17Grab him.
27:17Grab him.
27:18And that was me
27:19going for Tom Cruise.
27:22I dream about flying.
27:24It's over June 12,
27:25isn't it,
27:25it is very common.
27:26Yeah.
27:27And does it go well?
27:28Yeah, it does.
27:29It does.
27:30Right.
27:30Because it is based...
27:32But it's...
27:32I think I'm a given person,
27:34I'm trying to tell other people
27:35how easy it is.
27:36Yeah.
27:36So I go,
27:37look,
27:37all you've got to do
27:38is open your arms
27:39and do this
27:39and you fly.
27:40And then...
27:41I watch me family
27:42fall to the death.
27:45Have you tried
27:45to interpret that?
27:46Can you imagine
27:47what it might mean?
27:48I'll probably
27:50kill him.
27:52In a rage.
27:53I think it means
27:54you're gay.
27:55Does it?
27:59Do you?
27:59Yeah,
28:00they put pigeons
28:00in the balloons,
28:01sail the balloons out.
28:02Pop the pigeons,
28:03Stephen.
28:05Am I gay?
28:13Maybe I left to...
28:14Maybe the wish
28:15was father of the thought
28:16in my case.
28:17I don't know.
28:18I would see...
28:19Do you believe I can fly?
28:22I would ask your boyfriend.
28:24He will be able to tell you.
28:26Only he can know
28:27in the end.
28:28How could he know
28:28his pre-op?
28:36He's too busy
28:37saving up for the operation.
28:39Do you think I'm going to go
28:40and wake him up
28:41and fill up this question
28:42to what the man said or not?
28:44No.
28:45You're right.
28:47Well,
28:48the answer was
28:48that a balloon and pigeon
28:49double act
28:50was used to ship
28:50a million letters
28:51into Paris
28:52during the Siege of 1870.
28:54Now,
28:54what kind of birds
28:55used to go out
28:56with Viking sailors?
28:59Oh.
29:00No.
29:01It's shining like
29:02your penis.
29:04I don't keep it there.
29:05You can experiment.
29:07I've gone right off you.
29:08Oh, no.
29:10No, no.
29:10I'm gay.
29:14Can I just...
29:15Sorry, sorry, sorry.
29:15bring you in here
29:16to think about
29:17what kind of bird
29:18used to go out with...
29:19Turkeys.
29:20Chickens.
29:21Geese.
29:22Spons.
29:23Birds that we didn't have
29:24here till they arrived.
29:25I didn't even hear the question.
29:26He was trying to look
29:26at my penis.
29:29Imagine if it came out
29:30that you were gay,
29:31old Compton Street
29:32would be like
29:3228 days later.
29:37There's a steep...
29:39hot dog wrappers
29:41hot dog wrappers
29:41blowing around.
29:42Doors flapping.
29:44Come past.
29:45Really?
29:45Well, they're up and down.
29:49I lost my daddy
29:51in the great outing
29:52of 2008.
29:53Oh, Lord.
29:55Sorry, what was the question?
29:57It was.
29:58What sort of birds
29:59would a Viking take out?
30:02What sort of birds
30:02would a Viking take out?
30:03Yeah, we'd have to go out
30:05with a Viking.
30:05To help them find their way?
30:07Yes.
30:08Through the fog?
30:09Not through the fog, no.
30:11It was to discover new lands,
30:12which the Vikings like to do.
30:14What would be the purpose of it?
30:15How useful would a bird be?
30:17It's really cunning.
30:17It's one that would go up high
30:18and see further than you could see.
30:20Aha.
30:20Yes, you would.
30:21A talking bird.
30:24Either that,
30:25or imagine a bird
30:26that couldn't land on the water,
30:27couldn't swim.
30:28So, when it saw land,
30:30it would head towards land
30:31and you'd follow it?
30:31But if there was no land,
30:33it would drown.
30:34No, it would get back in the ship.
30:35Because it would go,
30:36ooh, nowhere for me to go
30:37but the ship.
30:38So you take a bird,
30:38it's got to be a non-migratory bird,
30:40one that doesn't usually
30:41fly over the water,
30:43that can't land in the water.
30:44And you let it fly,
30:45it goes up to about 5,000 feet
30:47and you can still see it.
30:48And if there's land,
30:49it will shoot off to the land
30:50so you follow in exactly that direction.
30:52If there's no land
30:53and you're still, you know,
30:54right in the middle of the ocean,
30:55it would just come back down again
30:57and then you carry on sailing.
30:58That's clever, isn't it?
30:59Yeah.
31:00Is it a budge?
31:01It's not a budge.
31:02What a pity.
31:04It's actually a...
31:05Noah used it.
31:05Is it a gander?
31:07Oh, is it a dove?
31:08No, before the dove,
31:09if you remember in the Bible,
31:10he used a...
31:11Hunter's, help us.
31:13Very good.
31:14I was going to say that.
31:15I was going to say that right and stop.
31:17Oh, there it is.
31:18There's a raven.
31:19A raven.
31:20Cartman on the water.
31:21So the religious maniac
31:22in the audience got it right.
31:25I'm only joking.
31:25He was indeed, of course.
31:26Noah used that first.
31:28Isn't that a cunning thing to do?
31:30And there was a particular Viking
31:31whose name was Floxy.
31:33It's neither one with the pink ship.
31:35Yeah.
31:38Well, there was no...
31:38Hang on, I got his name a bit wrong.
31:39Very long ears.
31:40There was a group of them.
31:41They were called Faxithorov,
31:43Herjolf and Flocky.
31:45And Flocky is, to this day,
31:46apparently, Vilge Darsen.
31:47He's known to this day as Raven Flocky
31:49because he discovered,
31:50for the...
31:51at least for the Vikings,
31:52he discovered Iceland that way
31:54by sending a raven.
31:55Now, in which direction...
31:56What if the raven was going...
31:57Sorry.
31:59What if the ravens are sat in a studio
32:02now making their own show
32:03going,
32:03and it was the first raven
32:05that ingeniously used humans...
32:08I love the way your mind works.
32:10...to transport us,
32:11you know what I mean?
32:12It's the...
32:12They wouldn't say that.
32:13They wouldn't say that.
32:14They go,
32:15Ah!
32:16Ah!
32:18Think these things through!
32:22Never more, I believe.
32:23There's nothing worse
32:24than a half-baked idea.
32:27No, don't bully the poor thing.
32:30Yeah, but...
32:31In which direction
32:32do rockets accelerate best?
32:35Yes.
32:37Down.
32:38No.
32:43Just fell out doing that.
32:44Oh, fair enough.
32:46So they leave the ground
32:47quicker than they return to the ground.
32:49Is that the thing?
32:50No, it's where do they get
32:51their maximum acceleration,
32:52in which position?
32:53It's actually the point...
32:54Horizontal.
32:54Horizontal is the right answer.
32:55That's the point.
32:56Is although they have to leave
32:57quickly like that,
32:58they tip,
32:59and the moment their weight
32:59is not over the thruster,
33:00they actually become like
33:01aeroplanes,
33:02and they generate lift,
33:03and they're like planes,
33:04almost.
33:05And that's most of their work
33:06is done horizontally,
33:07not vertically.
33:09I once bought a giant rocket
33:11for fireworks night.
33:12It costs about 30 quid,
33:14you know,
33:14when you get a really big one.
33:16And you get a tube,
33:16and you have to sit it in the tube,
33:19and then you light it,
33:20and all it goes.
33:21But we stuck the tube in the earth,
33:22and then we put the rocket in the tube,
33:24and we stuck...
33:25We didn't know we'd done this.
33:26Oh, dear.
33:26Stuck the rocket in the earth as well.
33:28Oh.
33:29And then we lit it,
33:31and we were quite close to it.
33:35And then it started to sort of shake a bit,
33:37and wobble,
33:38and it was quite a long time
33:39before it took off.
33:39And then I thought,
33:40this doesn't look right.
33:41And we were about to run,
33:42and it went about 10 feet in the air,
33:43and we...
33:44Boom!
33:45Didn't see anything.
33:47There was smoke.
33:47I've lost my hearing.
33:49I've lost my hearing.
33:50I came back.
33:50I just hear everybody laughing.
33:53Calling for this smoke.
33:54Are you all right?
33:55Is everyone all right?
33:57Brilliant.
33:59You've done the same every year.
34:01No, we got a proper one,
34:02and lit it,
34:03and did it properly.
34:04And it went about 200 foot in the air,
34:05and went, poof!
34:07Exactly.
34:09You know when there's a Green In Common
34:11protest about cruise missiles?
34:12I remember that, yes.
34:13And one of the things they used to say
34:14was, oh, you know,
34:15these missiles,
34:16they're shaped like penises.
34:17They're like that man's aggression.
34:19Man, you're thinking,
34:20well, no, they're shaped like that
34:21because that's the most
34:23aerodynamic shape.
34:24They wouldn't be very successful
34:25if they were shaped like vaginas,
34:27would they?
34:28And they just came...
34:33And then just a big...
34:34And then just a big...
34:34On your head.
34:37They would behave.
34:38And it would work,
34:39wouldn't it?
34:40Yeah, I knew.
34:40It's got nothing to do with...
34:42It's like science.
34:43So...
34:43Like a big...
34:44Like a big sort of...
34:45Like a big sort of...
34:46You know if a mushroom...
34:48Like a big squashy mushroom...
34:49...land on top of you,
34:50like that.
34:51Okay.
34:53Would a duckling be afraid of it?
34:58Would you think,
34:59there's a big chunk of metallic rape
35:01coming my way?
35:04I don't know what's happened to us here.
35:09Oh...
35:09Yeah.
35:10Oh, oh...
35:10Oh, oh...
35:10Would they put, um,
35:11when the wind blows on the DVD?
35:14That would scare a duckling,
35:15wouldn't it?
35:15Yeah.
35:16Doesn't say,
35:17look, that...
35:18that shits itself.
35:21Yeah, but after...
35:22three weeks of doing that,
35:24somebody from the council
35:24comes and moves you out the park.
35:28So then you have to go home
35:29and work on a tiny DVD play
35:31with When the Wind Blows,
35:33and just gently lecture them
35:34on the dangers of any peanuts.
35:37Ducklings can float,
35:38you know, duck...
35:39I used to have a flat roof
35:40and a duck made a nest up there
35:43and had ducklings.
35:44On the roof?
35:45Yeah, on the roof.
35:46And they'd jump over the side.
35:48They were right?
35:49They're fine, they float.
35:50They're so light,
35:52they float.
35:53Good duckling.
35:54And then they land
35:55and they get gathered up
35:55and head off onto a hybrid corner
35:57and get run over.
36:00Did you get a fountain
36:02and join the mafia?
36:04No.
36:05Have a break now.
36:07Sopranos, you mean?
36:08Yeah.
36:08Johnny Soprano.
36:09He sees ducklings in his swimming pool.
36:11Right, that triggers the whole series.
36:13It's all right coming for a bit,
36:14but that's it.
36:15No, I'm just going after it.
36:17I feel it is a crucial first bit.
36:19You have cried warmly.
36:21You said the second bit.
36:23Yeah.
36:24Anyway, rockets accelerate...
36:26Okay!
36:27Yeah.
36:30Everybody out!
36:31Come on!
36:34Rockets accelerate best horizontally
36:36and towards...
36:37East, in fact,
36:38because that's where the world spins.
36:39And now to the point
36:41where, as your fright instructor,
36:43I propel you towards
36:44the yawning void
36:45of general ignorance.
36:46So fingers on your firing buttons,
36:47if you please.
36:48Which of the armed services
36:50refers to the left
36:51and right sides
36:52of an aeroplane
36:53as port
36:54and starboard?
36:56Yes!
36:57It would be the Navy,
36:58wouldn't it?
37:00No.
37:01That is the...
37:02for a very good reason.
37:32show me while we're still in the Navy
37:33and the Army.
37:34A Busby.
37:36Oh!
37:37Thank you, family.
37:38You're doing so well.
37:39No, he's not wearing a Busby.
37:41A bearskin?
37:41It is a bearskin.
37:43I was going to say a medal.
37:46It's called a Busby, though, isn't it?
37:48It's not called a Busby.
37:49We'll show you a Busby, actually.
37:51There, on the right hand
37:52and the left hand.
37:52Those are Busbys.
37:53Much shorter.
37:54But what is the bearskin made of?
37:56Burr.
37:57Nylon.
37:57Wood.
37:58Burr.
37:58You're quite right.
37:59Ostensibly.
38:00The skin of a bear.
38:02Burr.
38:03Burr.
38:03They've tried making bearskins
38:04out of acrylics
38:06and nylons
38:06and various other things,
38:07but they get bedraggled
38:09in the wet
38:09and they stand up
38:10with static electricity
38:11and look preposterous.
38:12So, of course,
38:13you wouldn't want
38:13to look preposterous
38:14on the radio.
38:16What would win
38:17in a fight
38:17between them
38:18and them to us?
38:19Yeah.
38:21But if you go back
38:22to the first photograph
38:24of the guy
38:25in the bear skin there,
38:26do you know, Pam,
38:26because you said your...
38:27Who did you say
38:27was in the guards?
38:28My dad was a grenadier guard.
38:29He was a grenadier guard.
38:30Now, there are five regiments
38:31in the Brigade of Guards.
38:32Can you tell me
38:33which he's in?
38:35There's a way of telling.
38:36Do you know what the way is?
38:36I'm afraid I don't know.
38:38My father would not be very pleased
38:39with me about him.
38:39The buttons is the way of telling.
38:40If you're in the grenadier guards,
38:41your buttons are evenly spaced.
38:43In pairs, like this,
38:45it means he's in the coldstream guards.
38:46Oh, I didn't know that.
38:48If they're in threes,
38:49you're in the Scottish guards.
38:49Oh, there's an Irish guard.
38:50And if you're in fours,
38:51it's the Irish guards
38:52and fives, the Welsh guards.
38:53What if you've got a zip?
38:57If you've zip?
38:58Yeah.
38:59Well, you're like a stripper.
39:00It's just Velcro.
39:02I'm going to change your guard
39:04and I'm going to be trooping my colour.
39:14Well, do you know what?
39:16Of course, guards were indeed very...
39:18There were lots of stories about men
39:20doing things with guardsmen
39:21in the 50s and 60s.
39:22That story of Churchill
39:23was woken up one morning
39:24when he was Prime Minister in the 50s
39:26and he said,
39:27I'm afraid there's a bit of a scandal,
39:28Prime Minister.
39:28There's one of our backbench MPs
39:30was found with a guardsman
39:31in St James' Park
39:32in the Bushies last night
39:34by the police
39:34and the papers have got hold of it.
39:36Churchill said,
39:37last night?
39:37He said, yes.
39:39Churchill said,
39:39very cold last night, wasn't it?
39:42And the PVA...
39:43Well, yes, actually, Prime Minister.
39:44I believe it was one of the...
39:45one of the coldest
39:46February nights for 30 years.
39:48Churchill said,
39:49makes you proud to be British.
39:53I don't know how to do that now.
39:55Isn't that good?
39:56Anyway.
39:57Yes, the jaw hat
39:58worn by the foot guards
39:59is a bearskin.
40:00Short one with a flap
40:01was worn by the Hassans
40:02and the Royal Horse Artillery.
40:03That's a buzz bit.
40:05Now, how did knights in armour
40:06get onto their horses
40:07in medieval days?
40:09Winched.
40:10Winched?
40:11Yes.
40:12No, no, not winched.
40:14They weren't winched.
40:15They had a block and tackle.
40:17No, that's not to say.
40:18I know they were winched armour
40:19in there.
40:19I saw a programme about a film
40:21in which someone had to wear
40:21a suit of armour
40:22and they were winched on.
40:23Yeah, that may well be.
40:25It was a magnetic saddle.
40:28No, they just mounted
40:29in the normal way.
40:30They cut its legs off?
40:30No.
40:31Right?
40:31And then when it's got on
40:33they stick their legs back on
40:35with splints
40:36and then they realised
40:38they'd basically knackered
40:39the horse
40:39so then they'd put runners on
40:42and that's how we get
40:43the rocking horse today.
40:45They would be dragged
40:46into battle
40:48pretty much dead
40:49but it was more about
40:50the image
40:51than the horse
40:52actually working.
40:54Thank you for that.
40:56Actually, the point is
40:58oddly enough
40:58a full suit of armour
40:59only weighed
41:00I say only
41:00weighed about 55 pounds
41:02whereas today's
41:03combat soldier
41:04has a pack
41:05of about 150 pounds
41:07certainly if he's a commando.
41:09Yeah.
41:09It's a sink in the mud
41:10and a fireman
41:11with his breathing apparatus
41:12has more than 55 pounds
41:14and they climb ladders
41:15and do all kinds of things
41:16so in fact they would
41:17as that picture shows
41:18simply mount the horse.
41:19It was an entire
41:2019th century invention
41:21propagated mostly
41:22by Mark Twain.
41:23It was also the fault
41:24of Laurence Olivier
41:24in his film
41:25Henry V
41:25where he insisted
41:26on showing the men
41:28being lowered onto the horses
41:29despite the fact
41:30that his historical advisor
41:31told him it was
41:32complete nonsense.
41:32He went ahead and did it.
41:34So there you are.
41:35Anyway, that's one of those
41:36fantasies.
41:36That's one of those myths
41:37that really exists.
41:38It genuinely does, isn't it?
41:39It does.
41:39Absolutely.
41:40Everybody thinks it
41:40and it isn't true.
41:41And now, be very afraid.
41:43Be very, very afraid
41:44indeed
41:44or invite me to come outside
41:45because I'm ready
41:46to tell you the scores.
41:49Well, it's really,
41:51really interesting.
41:52In first place,
41:54would you believe,
41:54and it's only
41:55her first appearance,
41:57it's Pamela's.
41:58Oh, God.
42:03In second place
42:05with plus one
42:07is Johnny Vegas.
42:08Yes!
42:09Oh, yeah.
42:13Miles behind
42:14with minus 11
42:16is Alan Davis
42:16who's not lost.
42:21Which means
42:22that free-falling
42:24at terminal velocity
42:25this evening
42:26on minus 12,
42:27Sean Locke.
42:36So, that's all
42:37from us this week.
42:38My thanks to
42:38Sean, Johnny,
42:39Pam and Alan
42:40and I leave you
42:40with this thought
42:41on the subject
42:41of fight or flight
42:42from Michael Friedman.
42:43The scientific name
42:44for an animal
42:45that doesn't either
42:46run from
42:46or fight its enemies
42:48is lunch.
42:49Good night.
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