- 6 minutes ago
First broadcast 6th February 2009.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Phill Jupitus
Dara Ó Briain
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Phill Jupitus
Dara Ó Briain
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
00:03Welcome to QI.
00:05Tonight we're all fingers and thumbs, faces and feet and other physical features beginning with F.
00:11And to help us we have four familiar phys-ogs.
00:14We have Joe Brand.
00:19Daryl O'Brien.
00:24Bill Jutidus.
00:27And Alan Davies.
00:30Bill Jutidus.
00:36So it's fingers at the ready, please.
00:39Let's face the music and buzz.
00:42Phil goes.
00:43Tiny tiny fingers, very tiny toes.
00:49Dara goes.
00:50The foot bone's connected to the metal.
00:54Oh, very good.
00:55Joe goes.
00:56It's a nut so bad.
01:01Oh, and Alan goes.
01:04This little pig said, wee, wee, wee.
01:06All the way home.
01:14Now, we have a special forfeit word.
01:17If you use a particular F word at any stage of the season.
01:29It was almost like a subtle double bluff that it couldn't possibly be that word.
01:34It was.
01:35So there's your forfeit, I'm afraid.
01:38Now, Alan, do you enjoy fargling?
01:43Am I fargling now?
01:45No, I hope you're about to.
01:47They're fargling.
01:47F-A-R-G-L-I-N-G.
01:50Is it a foreign word for saying amusing things?
01:53It's an American word that's sometimes used for a game that involves your hands and fingers.
02:02Oh, it could be a rock, paper, scissors.
02:04Yes.
02:05Paper, scissors, stone or rock, paper, scissors.
02:07We're going to play it tonight, because any time any one of you gets a forfeit, you have
02:12a chance to go double or quits with paper, scissors, stone.
02:14But, Stephen, I can only get a forfeit if I say f***.
02:22Paper, scissors, stone then.
02:25And you'll double your forfeit if you lose, and you will halve it if you win.
02:31One, two, three.
02:33Oh!
02:35It's a draw.
02:37By the way, does anyone know, Stanley, what is the best opening move of paper, scissors,
02:41stone?
02:42If you say, you go first.
02:47Very good.
02:48Very good.
02:49Is it having a real rock?
02:53That might work.
02:56I bet people do stone first.
02:59Yes.
02:59Is stone the most common?
03:01Interestingly, people think stone is the most common sometimes, so they, I mean, supposedly,
03:07they go paper, so you go scissors.
03:08According to the new scientists, the best tactic is to play scissors, because many people
03:12know that rock is a common opening, so they play paper.
03:16They think you'll do rock.
03:17Though now everybody knows that, everyone will start with scissors, of course.
03:20Always making sure you play it with a Saudi shoplifter.
03:26They could only do rock, couldn't they?
03:28Yeah.
03:29Yeah, yeah.
03:37Yes, exactly.
03:39Avoid playing it with Abu Hamza, because then you, Abu Hamza can only do question marks.
03:49Rock, paper, quizzical expression.
03:53He can do, question mark, corkscrew and a thing for digging stones out of horses' hooves.
03:58He's not a Swiss army, Clary.
04:03Okay.
04:04Now, in India and Indonesia, they don't use paper, scissors and stone.
04:09They use animals.
04:10Do you know what animals are?
04:11Right, so they play elephant, cow.
04:13Yes.
04:14Elephant, cow.
04:15Kestrel.
04:16Kestrel?
04:17Yeah.
04:17Does a kestrel carry off the elephant, or does the elephant eat the kestrel?
04:21Elephant covers kestrel.
04:24Kestrel eats hent.
04:26You've got two of them, amazingly.
04:28Ant, elephant, and dodo.
04:29Human.
04:30Human?
04:31Human.
04:32Elephant beats human.
04:33Right, okay, so that is the mime for elephant, okay?
04:36Right.
04:36There's human.
04:37Yeah.
04:37There's ant.
04:38Yeah.
04:39But which beats which?
04:40Elephant beats human is one.
04:42Human beats ant?
04:43Please tell me human beats ant.
04:45Yes, human does beat ant, but ant beats elephant.
04:48How does ant beat elephant?
04:49They're scary.
04:50In the same way that mice supposedly frighten elephants, ants frighten elephants.
04:54No, they don't.
04:56Well, they're said to.
04:59All right, suspend disbelief.
05:01Because, after all, paper doesn't really beat stone, does it?
05:05And it does in the game.
05:06That's an engineering question I'm not prepared to answer.
05:10Fair enough.
05:11There you are.
05:11That's fargling for you.
05:13Now, right.
05:13From fingers to facial features.
05:15We're going to try a scientific experiment now.
05:17So, you will have a pencil in front of you, I hope.
05:20I'd like Phil and Dara to put the pencil between your teeth.
05:25Actually, if you would.
05:27That's it.
05:28Okay.
05:29Tight between your teeth.
05:29Wouldn't you rather we had a ball gag, Steve?
05:36It all started innocently enough with pencils.
05:39They woke up in Dortmund four days later.
05:44Could you put your pencils in a hole in the morning with your lips?
05:47Not your teeth.
05:49This reminds me of my husband.
05:54It's so difficult.
05:55No, he's got a pencil like that.
05:56Oh, has he?
05:59Well, now, you may not remove them until I say so.
06:01That's quite important.
06:03And my question is this.
06:04On the face of it, which is funnier?
06:07Quack or moo?
06:11Quack.
06:12Quack.
06:13Quack.
06:14Quack.
06:14Can I take it out then?
06:15No, you can't take it out then.
06:15That's what I say.
06:17That's what I say.
06:17Because it's got a K in it.
06:18Yes, it's the right answer.
06:20You know this.
06:21You're professional comedians, most of you.
06:23It is not like a bad move in a spoken word comedy show.
06:30I'm choosing my words very carefully here.
06:34To essentially disable the four contestants.
06:38Could somebody please call some some services?
06:45Any idea why a K is funny?
06:47It is related to the pencils in a strange sort of way.
06:51Quack.
06:51The shape of your face is the right answer to say a K.
06:56You have to smile.
06:58It's a smiley place.
06:59Absolutely.
06:59And people think that you're going to be funny.
07:02They did an experiment with people putting pencils in their mouth in the way you have,
07:07which makes you smile, in which...
07:09You're not making me f***ing smile.
07:16All right, one, two, three.
07:17One, two, three.
07:19One, two, three.
07:19Oh!
07:22Can someone do a rock?
07:27Do a rock!
07:28Do a rock!
07:29Do a rock!
07:29What's a rock?
07:31Take a rock!
07:31Take a rock!
07:31Take a rock!
07:32I can hardly do a...
07:33A kicker!
07:35I can hardly do a kicker!
07:36A kicker!
07:37A rock!
07:38A rock!
07:39Rock!
07:40You can take your pencils out of your mouth.
07:42No!
07:42No!
07:43No!
07:43No!
07:43I like it!
07:44I'm thinking of a rock yourself!
07:47Very good!
07:48I've got a picture in your mouth!
07:49Let's see how the rest of the series goes!
07:54Oh, very well!
07:55Leave your bed now, Fry!
07:57I like it!
08:00According to psychologists, the words containing the letter K are the funniest because they force
08:05you to smile.
08:05It's called facial feedback.
08:07What else can you tell us about a duck's quack?
08:09Do you know anything interesting about a duck's quack?
08:12It has no echo!
08:18It is commonly held misapprehension, unfortunately.
08:22A man from Salford University actually put a duck in a reverberation chamber in order
08:28to find out if this is true.
08:29Because it is so prevalent a myth, but they do have an echo.
08:34They do echo.
08:35Duck's echo.
08:37I'm going to take one to Canterbury Cathedral.
08:39I'm just going to get a big old duck and take them to poke it.
08:43Just try it out yourself.
08:44Why should we believe the things you say on this question?
08:47A man took one to a chamber and tested them.
08:51No!
08:51Let's test ourselves.
08:52I approve of your empirical zeal.
08:55Now, back to faces.
08:56What's the ideal way to kiss a Frenchman?
08:59A Frenchman?
09:01I don't know.
09:04With their consent?
09:07Very well put!
09:09Excellent.
09:10What a nice young man.
09:13I really mean just as a greeting in the way that French and European people do.
09:17Oh, yes.
09:17How many?
09:18Two in Paris, three in rural France.
09:20And if you go to very rural France, it can be kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.
09:24Yeah, very good.
09:25I will give you your points there.
09:26I have it as two in central and southern France and four in the northern country parts.
09:32Well, I clearly found an intermediate place.
09:34There may be a three.
09:35Three is true in Belgium and Holland.
09:37Yes, you're absolutely right.
09:37They always do three of them.
09:39And now the snogging forecast for France.
09:44Brittany, one, some saliva.
09:48Paris, two, occasional tongue.
09:53And flying areas, four, some pregnancy.
09:58Yes.
09:58And five is Corsica, I suppose.
10:01Surely they don't kiss each other five times, do they?
10:03They really have little to do in Corsica, do they?
10:06Can you tell me what sort of person kisses five times?
10:09Of course I can.
10:13I'm sorry.
10:14I'm very sorry.
10:15I think you might have to go now.
10:18At least they know what it is.
10:20I mean, I don't know what it is here.
10:21If you're unsure about whether to do one cheek or two,
10:24the best way to deal with it is to cut their genitals while you're doing it.
10:29They won't mind how many kisses.
10:31They won't even be thinking about it.
10:33Cut the genitals.
10:35Just cut them lightly.
10:37Yes.
10:37You know, uttering the words, carry a bag, sir.
10:47In America, it's strictly one cheek.
10:49They're very baffled by Europeans doing any more than one.
10:51And it's just a mind thing.
10:52You bump noses, you bump glasses, because you go to the wrong side,
10:55you go to the right first or the left.
10:56Apparently in Spain, it has to be the right cheek first.
10:59How many times?
11:00Really?
11:00Yes.
11:00So what happens if you go for the left first?
11:03There'll be a disgrace on your family.
11:06In 1819, a German travel guide to London said the kiss of friendship between men
11:13is strictly avoided in Britain as inclining towards the sin regarded in England
11:19as more abominable than any other.
11:23Yeah.
11:24Q-barging, presumably.
11:28That's all sodomy.
11:30They're the top two, aren't they?
11:32Yeah.
11:32Really.
11:33Sodomy.
11:34Dig me with a Q for sodomy.
11:37Don't cut in.
11:38Don't cut in on the buggery line.
11:39Excuse me.
11:41Excuse me.
11:41I'm due next.
11:43Thank you very much.
11:44Man, I thought the northern line was bad, but the buggery line, wow.
11:48Oh, dear.
11:49No seats.
11:50Oh, Jesus.
11:51Boy.
11:52Now, to another set of people who like to kiss one another, what can you tell about a footballer
11:57from the size of his fingers?
12:03Joe.
12:03Is it his position on the WAG penetration index?
12:10My goodness me.
12:12Mm.
12:12Very good.
12:15No, I agree.
12:17All right, hang on.
12:19There's always something about the index being longer than the one on the other side of the...
12:24Yes, you're right.
12:25It's the ratio between fingers two and four is known as the 2D and 4D.
12:29It's actually kind of difficult to do the ratio between fingers two and four without being incredibly rude to whoever
12:33happens to it.
12:34At the same time.
12:36Well, there's an academic, and isn't there always, who has devoted 35 years of his academic life to determining things
12:42about humans
12:43on the basis of the ratio of the lengths of their...
12:47Something to do with what testosterone and oestrogen do to your finger lengths seems to be important.
12:54And his name is Dr. John Manning of the University of Liverpool.
12:57Did he take the duck into the echo chamber?
12:59He was.
13:00He wasn't the same.
13:01That sounds so much like a euphemism.
13:03I don't know where.
13:06Is this the cue for taking the duck into the echo chamber?
13:10Is it true that there's so much oestrogen in the water supply now that we're being rendered impotent and lots
13:15more people are now turning gay?
13:16No, that's just you.
13:20I want an explanation for the rapidly swelling size of my man-bosoms and that may well be it.
13:26It's only when you're on the pill and they're urinating bits of oestrogen into the water.
13:30Could you not do that down the drain?
13:32No.
13:33I quite like the idea of you going into Rigby and Pella.
13:36Hello.
13:38Conceal them.
13:41It didn't separate.
13:45You should do.
13:47Just for a laugh.
13:49Because they've got a woman with a very faint trait of an Austrian accent in Rigby and Pella who can
13:54tell the size of your bosoms just by looking at them, right?
13:57Oh, wow.
13:58And I went in and she just said to me, come on and take all your top bits off.
14:02I was like, oh, okay.
14:03And I did and she went, oh, not as bad as I'd imagined.
14:06Oh!
14:07How rude!
14:08Thanks for that backhanded compliment, madam.
14:12Obviously balls in socks.
14:14So what?
14:15What did you make of my, um, what did you make of my fulsome pair of fun bags?
14:20Can you imagine?
14:21They're pretty, pretty good, aren't they?
14:24Do you?
14:25No, I think there's a fair amount going on.
14:28Please, please, Stephen, I'm already pitching a semi.
14:33Any more of this talk and I'll be knocking the desk over.
14:38Anyway, apparently, according to Dr. John Manning of the University of Liverpool, the 2D-4D ratio, such as is on
14:45that photograph behind me,
14:46is predictive of infertility, autism, dyslexia, migraine, stammering, immune dysfunction, myocardial infarction and breast cancer even,
14:55as well as perceived dominance and masculinity, but not attractiveness and including things like possibly psychopathic tendencies and ability at
15:03football.
15:04But continuing on our footy theme, what does a thorny devil do with his feet?
15:11Genev, you know what a thorny devil might be.
15:13Is a thorny, a thorny devil, is it a lizard?
15:15It is a lizard.
15:16Well, John.
15:17Is it that one that goes on alternate feet to stop the heat?
15:20It's not alone as a lizard in doing that.
15:22In fact, we may even have footage of a, they're very attractive animals doing that very thing that you're mentioning.
15:27Sorry.
15:31I'm sorry, I kind of coughed and sneezed.
15:34I wet myself all the time.
15:42I think the fiver is mine.
15:45Can I just ask, because I just don't know this, is there a facility for men to wet themselves when
15:51they cough?
15:53Is that element to glow?
15:54What do you mean, like facility?
15:56Is it like a place you'd go?
16:00There's a felicity.
16:01It's a wonderful, warm feeling.
16:04Do men wet themselves when they cough, when they get old?
16:08Sometimes.
16:10You do poo a little bit when we cough sometimes.
16:13Sometimes.
16:14Sometimes.
16:14Sometimes you wet yourself if you dream about going to the toilet.
16:19Yes.
16:20Yes.
16:20Yeah, we're all, yeah.
16:21And as you...
16:22If you're dreaming about going to the toilet, you've got to try and wake up really.
16:26I don't think it's...
16:27I think it's a dream that did it to you.
16:29I think you wanted to go to the toilet, but the dream just kind of worked itself around the fact.
16:33Do you agree?
16:34I think they're post-facto dreams.
16:36I think your body decides to go, no, I'm getting rid of this.
16:38And your dream going, well, let's weave it into the narrative, shall we?
16:42It's definitely an early warning.
16:44You were briefly an Arthurian knight, but now you're really desperately into Arthur's toilet.
16:49So, Jake was on a boat with Elvis Presley.
16:54Oh, this is within a dream.
16:55Yeah.
16:55Yeah.
16:57And I was chatting to Elvis Presley, and then I said, excuse me, I've got to go to the toilet.
17:01And I went to bed.
17:03Alan, wake up, Alan.
17:04Alan, wake up, Alan.
17:06You're being all old yourself, Alan.
17:08He was a...
17:08Didn't he wear nappies?
17:09Elvis.
17:10In his final unhappy days, I believe, he wore diapers.
17:13Well, I wouldn't be that unhappy in the nappy, would you?
17:16I would, actually.
17:17There's always the moment when he's on stage where you can actually tell, where he went,
17:20Will I have a blue?
17:25Christmas...
17:26Without you!
17:46I don't...
17:50Oh, okay.
17:51One thing, one thing, though.
17:52Here's an interesting fact from, you know, I know some urologists by marriage.
17:58And there is a thing, when you go in, if you tinkle at night, I'm not sure if there's a
18:02forefoot, if I said it any more harsh than that.
18:04There is a bit of the urethra which actually curves down before it goes back.
18:08So, some of your little business will get caught there.
18:12And that's why you go to the toilet at night, and you go, oh, bugger.
18:14And then you turn around and go back in again.
18:16A lot of people do that, and they go back in again to have a little bit more.
18:19And it's because it's been expelled by the bladder, but caught in a little U-shape within you.
18:25So, what you're supposed to do is reach in and just give us a little bit of a poip!
18:31The noise is optional.
18:32Where, where are you hoiing?
18:36You're hoiing, go, go, go all the way, go all the way down and around.
18:38To the perinatal?
18:39Down around the back, like, eh, we're not too far.
18:42Eh, then you're hoiing the wrong thing.
18:44And two days after that dinner party, Dara's mates are going, not going to believe what I told you.
18:52Anyway, it's an antipodean, rather beautiful, look at that.
18:55Hello!
18:56Isn't it wonderful?
18:57These do something unique?
18:58Well, yeah, they can take in water in any part of their body, from their feet.
19:01If they stand in a puddle.
19:03But what's impressive is that the water doesn't just get absorbed through the skin and go into their system.
19:09It goes through grooves and capillaries.
19:11It's drawn up by capillary action all the way to the corners of their mouth and into the mouth.
19:15So they actually drink water from anywhere and every part of their body has this system of grooves.
19:20They just put their hand in a pint.
19:23A thorny devil is an Australian lizard that can drink through its feet and indeed any other part of its
19:29body.
19:29Now, how could I tell that Alan is a criminal just by looking at him?
19:33Do any tiny fingers?
19:36Do any tiny fingers?
19:38A merry criminal?
19:39Yeah.
19:39He's wearing your shirt.
19:42That would be one way.
19:43Well, let's imagine his naked, well, no, alright, not naked, but let's imagine it's nothing to do with clothing.
19:48Is it the shifty little eyes, pointy nose and general sort of little pug face?
19:55Interesting.
19:57Um...
20:01A totally unfair reading, surely.
20:03I've never seen you happier.
20:04I've never been happier.
20:06I've never been happier.
20:07I've never been happier.
20:07I've never seen you.
20:09That one's been building up for over 12 years.
20:15One day, I'm really going to tell you what I think of.
20:18One real opportunity arrives.
20:20Oh, God.
20:21Is this like the phrenology?
20:23Well, in fact, I have a phrenological...
20:26Everyone has one of these.
20:27Everyone has one of these.
20:28This is a copy of the original.
20:30The Melbourne Jail, they've got casts of Ned Kelly and all the murderers.
20:34Absolutely, because in the 19th century, not only phrenology, but...
20:37Of the face, physiognomy, the art of reading character through the face,
20:42was taken terribly seriously.
20:44Is it his ears?
20:44Something to do with his ears?
20:45Nose?
20:46Well, I'll tell you.
20:48The father of physiognomy was, of course, one of Alan's best friends, Aristotle.
20:53According to what he said about the face and character,
20:55your curly hair signifies someone who is dull of apprehension,
21:00soon angry and given to lying and mischief.
21:03You thought Joe was bad?
21:04Yeah.
21:06The distance between your eyebrows, as worked out by the QI elves,
21:09is that you are hard-hearted, envious, close and cunning,
21:13addicted to cruelty more than love.
21:15Oh.
21:17Dara.
21:18Yes?
21:18He who has a large full forehead and a little round with all,
21:21destitute of hair, or at least that has little on it,
21:24is bold, malicious, high-spirited, full of collar,
21:27apt to transgress beyond bounds, and yet of good wit and very apprehensive.
21:32There you are.
21:32You threw me a little bun there at the end, didn't you?
21:35Like, you are scumbag, scumbag, scumbag, scumbag, couple of gags.
21:38Scumbag, scumbag.
21:40Exactly.
21:41Basically.
21:42Whereas Phil, he whose hair grows thick on his temples and his brow,
21:46is by nature simple, vain, luxurious, lustful, credulous,
21:50clownish in his speech and conversation,
21:52and double chin shows a peaceable disposition,
21:55but...
21:56Think of.
21:57Vain, credulous, a great supplanter and secret in all your actions.
22:01And not to mention, peckish.
22:02Yeah.
22:06Well, there is that.
22:08Joe.
22:09One whose hair is of reddish complexion, is for the most part,
22:12if not always, proud, deceitful, detracting, venorous and full of envy.
22:18Venorous?
22:19Yes.
22:19As in venereal, sort of...
22:21Disease?
22:22Yes.
22:23To do with...
22:24Uh-huh.
22:30Oh, God.
22:33Anyway, there we are.
22:35It's one of the pseudo-sciences.
22:36Of course, phrenology is the other.
22:37This is Lorenzo Fowler's head.
22:39It covers all these supposed emotional and various other cognitive things
22:43and you're supposed to feel for bumps and people.
22:45Uh, now, largely and indeed if not wholly discredited.
22:49Duncan, of course.
22:50Do you remember Duncan in Macbeth?
22:52Tell me, do.
22:52There's no art to find the mind's construction in the face.
22:56So even then, Shakespeare knew it was nonsense.
22:59A huge silence.
22:59If only Shakespeare had said something about the duck's echo.
23:03You could have saved everybody a lot of time.
23:06You could have saved one trip to the chamber.
23:08Start with ratio, take your duck into the cathedral and there make it sound off.
23:12She quacketh not.
23:14Does the reply come back from Brother Warlove?
23:18She quacketh not.
23:19That would be dust.
23:21Oh.
23:22That would be doth, not dust.
23:24I do, that's annoying when I get that wrong.
23:29And doth you or doth he?
23:32No.
23:33Doth thou.
23:33It's not difficult.
23:35Art thou.
23:36English lit U.
23:38Lacy.
23:38English language C.
23:39Good f***ing luck, my friend.
23:44One, two, three.
23:47Oh!
23:48You were stoned!
23:50You were stoned!
23:56Now, how would you describe the famous Thatcher effect?
24:03Yes, you get the country to bend over.
24:09And you give it one until it's eyes watered.
24:12It was great, actually, when she became Lady Thatcher, because then she sounded like a device for removing pubic hair.
24:20And she couldn't take that seriously after that.
24:24It's true!
24:27Absolutely.
24:28The Brazilian Lady Thatcher.
24:29The Brazilian Lady Thatcher.
24:29She has strictly pubic hairs with the ladies Thatcher, you know.
24:33We need a Margaret Thatcher.
24:34It will be, it will be, it will be.
24:36Here is the Thatcher effect.
24:37Do you now know what it is?
24:38Oh, I know the picture's the right way up.
24:39She's too frightening, so we have to put her that way.
24:41Well, the eyes look the same upside down as they do the right way up.
24:46No, they only look sympathetic.
24:48Ah, it's an interesting point.
24:49Now, what it is, it's our ability to read faces.
24:52Some people in the audience, some people at home may have noticed that on one of those pictures,
24:55two of the major features of the face are actually inverted in her upside down picture.
25:01So if we were to turn them around now, you'll see what you were looking at was...
25:06that.
25:08Barn the witch!
25:13This was Peter Thompson at the University of York, largest plastic bottom lake in Europe.
25:19Sorry, it's just...
25:20You said that for a bet.
25:23I'll be able to get it in.
25:24I knew someone who went to the University of York, and every time he said he was there,
25:29he couldn't help giving this fact.
25:30He didn't know that he told everybody this entirely banal, hopelessly uninteresting fact.
25:35And so he went, I can't help hearing the phrase University of York without going,
25:39largest plastic bottom lake in Europe.
25:43So anyway, Peter Thompson at the University of York,
25:46largest plastic bottom lake in Europe.
25:49Wouldn't it be awful if we discovered it's now been supplanted by some other lake,
25:52plastic bottomed or not?
25:54In what way would that possibly be awful?
25:56Well, it would just be so sad for York, what if does it have it to boast now?
25:59There's a bloke from the University of York's third largest plastic bottom lake in Europe.
26:03It just doesn't have the same bloke from the University of Baden-Baden.
26:07Hello?
26:08What happened there?
26:10Oh, gross and lake, big and plastic.
26:15Right.
26:16Ha ha York, ha ha.
26:19So there we are, that's the Thatcher effect.
26:21We can only do it when the face is the right side up.
26:23If you discovered that when it's the right side up, we'd instantly see which items are upside down,
26:28but when it's then turned upside down itself...
26:29I'm racking my brain trying to think of any kind of application.
26:32Short of, you're in the middle of a swasson neuf, and then you turn and go,
26:37well, how would that be?
26:37Oh, God, you're hideous.
26:39Jesus.
26:40You looked fine when we started, but this is ridiculous.
26:44Application's hard to say, but as you know, these things sometimes emerge.
26:47There's a question there. Here, for example, there's Alan.
26:50Turn it upside down, please, now.
26:55You never would have guessed, would you?
26:58That's astounding, isn't it?
27:00That's a face you don't want to see after a 69, isn't it?
27:05It's a real worry.
27:09Facial recognition is indeed a natural human instinct.
27:14We see faces everywhere, in cloud formations and so on.
27:17Here are some little examples.
27:18Perhaps you can tell me what you think the faces are.
27:21Oh.
27:22They're always, by the way, Jesus or Mary.
27:24Well, that's right.
27:25The middle one is a Virgin Mary in a piece of toast.
27:28Actually, most people see Marlena Dietrich in the middle one.
27:30Oh, yeah, yeah.
27:31If you look closely, I think it does look like Marlena.
27:33On the left, the moon.
27:35It's actually Mars.
27:36And people see, yes, the Madonna or something in there.
27:38And on the right...
27:40Jesus.
27:43You can only say Jesus like that when you say the baby before.
27:46I know, it's usually equal baby Jesus.
27:49Baby Jeebus.
27:49Baby Jeebus.
27:50Oh, baby Jeebus.
27:51My saviour, actually.
27:54You make Richard Dawkins look like a Buddhist.
27:58Oh-oh.
28:06One, two, three.
28:09Oh!
28:13So good.
28:19Thank you, Jesus.
28:21Thank you!
28:23but the thatcher effect makes it difficult for one to detect inverted features in an upside down
28:28face now here's an equally famous face but what happened to her eyebrows tell me they got repaired
28:35they got shaved off in a hemley count
28:41no actually i'm going to give you the points there young ellen yeah
28:44the fact is when the painting was painted in the early part of the 16th century
28:49leonardo painted a full set of eyebrows and eyelashes and indeed vasari the great art
28:54critic and biographer of the quinquicento artists he said that they were particularly fine he actually
29:01raved about the way the eyebrows were painted but successive restorations had them worn off they're
29:07now visible in x-ray so it's provable that they were there so when i go to the louvre yes
29:12see
29:12the great work i'm not getting my full money's worth it's behind glass could you not like you know paint
29:19onto the glass just like a groucho mark set of eyebrows that you could you know which was done
29:24in terms of a moustache and beard by marcel duchamp did that famous little moustache and
29:29and it had a weird nickname you have to speak french for this but it was called l h o
29:34o q which if you
29:36said in french means she's got a hot ass a la show oh cool she's hot at the ass 90
29:46of all the
29:49people who go to the louvre museum in paris go straight to see the mona lisa spend three minutes
29:55or less looking at it and then leave the museum there's so much better stuff by the corridor
30:01leading up to it one painting amazing in there do you know why me i'm like brian sewell
30:08the university of amsterdam used emotion recognition software to analyze the famous
30:12an enigmatic smile or it showed looked at her yeah emotion recognition software i don't know my
30:20money's on board what do you have it was 83 happy nine percent disgusted six percent fearful and two
30:28percent angry she was less than one percent neutral and not even a quarter of a one percent surprised
30:35sounds like a breakdown of the audience yes now at exactly the same time that leonardo was discharging
30:43his commission to make the beautiful mona lisa michelangelo buonarroti was uh putting the finishing
30:50touches to perhaps his most famous work perhaps the most famous iconic statue there ever was the david of
30:57course there it is three of them and the david is a representation of david who slingshot
31:05goliath in king david who who slew the champion of the philistines goliath exactly what use did he
31:12have 200 foreskins yes who cares it's a feminist dream he didn't make his slingshot out of it
31:22oh no he didn't uh he did fry them and invented hula hoops
31:36he said calamari there as well yeah there was a there was a rabbi who saved up all the foreskins
31:41for
31:42all his he's uh the moil you know the brisks and he dried them he made a wallet out of
31:46them
31:47and um and um yeah but it was amazing if you stroked it it became a briefcase
31:54hey no sure um you keep that up till i'll have you clean the big rooms
32:02anyway no this is uh we're biblical here who was david's great patron and whom did he actually
32:07then succeed as king of of israel king of judith saul saul king saul but good
32:14saul was as kings did in the bible grew very jealous of david although he was the one who
32:18brought him up from shepherd boy to great general say shepherd's bush
32:25david ben jesse
32:26i can't slay these four what are you thinking about
32:32so saul grew very jealous and basically wanted him slain in battle so he said to him you can marry
32:38my daughter but as a dowry i want a hundred foreskins from gentile philistines and he went
32:45into battle he got 200 would you believe then saul gave him his daughter michael in marriage
32:53unfortunate end of the bargain but there you are once he's got the hundred why did he then think
32:58i'm sure you know i want to get another hundred hundred one oh come on another one yeah you can't
33:02they are very morish they're like chocolate hobnobs you can't
33:10anyway let's put our best foot forward into the final furlong of general ignorance so be careful
33:17not to put your foot in it but put your fingers on the mushroom hoids and where would you find
33:23the
33:23world's largest organ
33:31in a cathedral somewhere like um saint peter's in rome maybe or somewhere else seville or some
33:37huge cathedral that's a good answer but that's the right one no not right blue whale
33:48i'm sorry i'm sorry no uh we didn't use the right musical instrument
33:52well it's never been a blue whale ever
33:55it's the world's largest musical instrument rick wakeman's house
34:03is it a university no it's inside a natural phenomenon and it's been turned into an organ
34:10cave something in caves and this man a man with the ridiculous name of leland w sprinkle
34:19has made these felted hammers that strike the stalactites in the cave and they are tuned and
34:26very very precise if you'd asked us where the world's biggest xylophone was then i might have
34:31been able to help you in organ no you are i would agree that anything percussive of that kind is
34:37a
34:37kind of xylophone though it couldn't really technically be a xylophone because xylos is the
34:41Greek for wood and it's not wood all right so uh the largest organ in the world can be found
34:47deep
34:48in the liray caverns in virginia now what can you tell about a man from the size of his feet
34:56size of his shoes
35:03that's not just because we thought we would say that it's genuinely not true most people wear the
35:06wrong size shoes it sounds bizarre but apparently that's true because they're unaware of how their
35:11feet change size over the size of his cock
35:16i'm sorry that isn't true because i have size 13 feet but it isn't apparently true in all cases
35:22apparently the size of your hands is in proportion to the size of your feet there are many other views
35:28one is that your foot size is the same from the point of your elbow to your arms exactly that
35:33why do people think that your cock's to do with your foot size it was a rumor started by clowns
35:42you know what i say big shoes big penis
35:46as they come in the room oh baby
35:51what do we measure feet in in britain obviously the one two three what is that you measure them in
35:59a
36:00little slidey thing yeah but what is
36:04uh a fraction of the slidey thing
36:08it's called a barleycorn it's a third of a barleycorn a barleycorn is is each one so if you're a
36:14size 12
36:14you're a barleycorn bigger than size 11 or two barleycorns bigger than a size 10.
36:19why do they ever tell you that down the shoe shop i think they probably are not aware of the
36:23fact
36:23if i go into dulcis tomorrow and go good vendor of shoes how many barleycorns have i this fine day
36:32and then i'll point my foot at them i'm going to get short change at like size
36:36i have size 13 feet as well which is enough to play because most shoe production goes up to 11
36:43maybe possibly 12 and you go into shops so every time i go in and go do you have them
36:47in anything
36:47in size 13. i get a speech where they go you might find it difficult to find shoes in that
36:54size
36:54and if you look at them and go really because this is the first day i've had size 13
37:03and then i played poker with the witch and previously wrong and now i've got these things but thank you
37:10thank you for sending me straight so they don't know good sir you're a barnacle too far for this
37:15we're not having a bar in a course i want to pick up freak foot outlet where the clowns buy
37:24their shoes
37:26listen brother come in you are welcome here titty feet behave yourselves now um good
37:37shoes so how many muscles are there incidentally in your fingers how many tiny fingers
37:43one if you play your cards right
37:59i cannot look at you oh this is a dreadful boy i'm not going to pay any attention to you
38:05i'll put the pencil in
38:14oh lord bless you oh we chop you a fry you're so dirty none none is the right answer thank
38:25you there
38:25are no muscles in your fingers only tendons the muscles are in the hand and in the forearm that
38:31control your fingers in fact a way of showing if you do a sort of spidery thing and then pull
38:35in your
38:35middle finger like that do that all right now lift your thumb tap it up tap it tap your little
38:42finger
38:43tap your index finger now tap your ring finger
38:52it has no muscle all it is is it but it has a shared tendon with the middle finger so
38:57so it can't even
38:58move at all there yeah it's weird isn't it there you have a picture of the musculature of the hand
39:04and
39:04arm and you can see there are no muscles there in the fingers and lastly now which is easier smiling
39:10or
39:12frowning oh smiling even less muscles and are not oh dear no in fact exactly the opposite is true it's
39:20the kind of thing people say in a banal manner to shopkeepers you know it loses you less muscle
39:24to smile than to frown i'm glad that's not true because that's the most annoying thing that
39:27probably isn't it exactly in fact nothing you use 12 muscles 12 muscles to smile and only 11 to frown
39:36like this as it happens this is an enormous number really difficult yeah you look like that photo of
39:43yourself earlier 23 muscles still 23
40:01it is it is the most hideously irritating thing going well do you know that fewer it's like the you
40:06know a friend is a stranger you haven't met yet people who say that kind of a towel yeah yeah
40:10that we go well you know and you do want to go well how many muscles exactly does it take
40:13to
40:14do that really yeah
40:18come on then all right all right just because it's a it's a it's a crazy childhood dream i've
40:22always wanted to be james it was okay so have we done one no okay sorry one two three
40:29go
40:41you're standing you might be thinking about something you might be a bit pensive you might
40:45be lost and someone you don't know this kind of goes cheer up oh
40:52cheer up
40:59place your bets
41:02what way will david go
41:07he's been talking stone all night he's been talking to all night you think it's going to be
41:34you think it's going to be a sport
42:06Which means the scissors crushed by the stone tonight with minus 42, Aaron Davies.
42:25Anyway, it's thanks to Phil, Dara, Joe and Alan.
42:30And I leave you with this face-saving story.
42:32Abraham Lincoln was once accused of being two-faced, and he replied,
42:36if I were two-faced, do you think I'd be wearing this one?
42:39Thank you, and good night.
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